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Lost in the Shuffle
  1. #1
    BookishBG is offline New Member
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    Post Lost in the Shuffle

    I posted this in response to an old post recently b/c Im not all that familiar w/ the site yet. Telling my story helps. Listening to the stories of others helps, the Thomas Recipe helps! Im now on day 4. so here goes.....

    I'm detoxing from opiates for at least the 3rd time and have found the Thomas recipe, this site, and having a supportive companion by my side more helpful than I can say. But I will Say anyway. I really wasn't sure I could do it, but I am at day 4 and feeling better than I ever have at this stage, and confident this will be the last time I deal with this. Like many of you, I had a difficult childhood and it probably started there. Doesn't everything? I started using low-level drugs in high school, mostly to be cool and deal with some issues at home. I was always a good student and knew that college was my ticket out of the town I grew up in, which I had little love for. Despite my pot smoking and class cutting, I managed to do well in HS and get a scholarship to a really good university. But I didn't find peace there and fell in with a very fast crowd. Think mid-90s rave culture taken to the extreme. Ironically, I never became physically addicted to anything, but my mental world was a disaster. I ended up leaving school, getting myself together, and ultimately returning to get the best grades of my life. I graduated! Before long, I met an achingly charismatic man and we started painting the night red every night, party treats included. I had earned it right? To finally be having the time of my life! It took me too long to realize how bad he was for me, but I eventually did. I let go of him and the party treats, without an addiction in tow, thankfully. I had taken pain pills several times over the years, sometimes legitimately, sometimes not. I've had a ton of dental issues, a bad back, and have seriously injured my ankle about a 1/2 dozen times. But the greater pain has always been in my head and heart, and I have always known that. I distinctly remember saying to myself on the occasions that I would obtain pills legitimately or otherwise, that I was glad I didn't have easy access, b/c I would be in trouble. I liked them way too much. Fast forward several years and I meet a wonderful man who is committed to making many of our shared dreams come true. A home. Financial security. A HEALTHY family. All that I ever wanted. I have a good job too, but still, that aching void. By all outside accounts, my life is going well. But no one knows what lurks beneath. And then, that easy access that I knew would undo me, fell squarely in my lap. And I picked it up and ran with it. I wont say I never looked back. I looked back many times. 'I should stop now. It will only get worse. I shouldn't be wasting money like this. Hiding it from my husband. What am I becoming?' But it was going to be a rough w/d and I knew it. I was ashamed, didn't tell a soul. I had always dabbled in drugs, but I never let it get the best if me. I wore that like a badge of honor. A tongue out to the squares. My husband had mentioned in passing many times as we watched 'Intervention' that he could never be with someone like THAT! Little did he know that he already was. I, somehow, was simply functional. I was successful and stable. I paid my bills, excelled at work, did all the right things. But guess what... ssshh... percs helped a lot! Have a deadline? They sure help out! Need to get things done at home? Lets do it!! Unlike the party drugs of the past, percs helped me be a more productive and happy person, around the clock, 24/7. It was too easy. Pop a pill, any time, anywhere, no secrecy, no apparatus needed, no smell. Its MEDICINE after all. Until they aren't. I'm sure I don't need to explain. I tried to quit at least 3 times before with limited amounts of success. But this time, I feel strong. Thomas' Recipe is a god-send. I am at day 4 and feeling better than I ever have at this stage. I've adjusted it a bit for my needs, as should you. Please be careful w/ the benzodiazepines. The recipe calls for an awful lot. I've taken about 10 Xanax in the past 4 days, none so far today, and am feeling good. Granted, I was taking about 70mg of percs a day and I understand that greater addictions may require more benzodiazepines, but please, be careful. Eat small healthy meals including lots of bananas. Drink lots of water. Multivitamins. Hot baths... and the lavender Epsom salts from CVS made the bath extra lovely, almost like a spa! I find chocolate helps. And some may disagree, but I think Mary Jane is your friend at this tough time. And I have found reading about Buddhist teaching to help me. But the absolute biggest difference between this time and all of the others is that I came clean to my husband. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do to tell the man who warned that he would never be with a person like THAT. I hid from it and destroyed myself for 3 years for fear of saying those words and asking for help. But he reminded me that I am not a person like THAT. And neither are you. I am me. His wife. Who he loves. And I deserve compassion and help, as much as you do. So he's helping me. Asking what I need. Turning up the hot water heater so that I can take extra hot baths. Buying me chocolate.

    Don't do it alone. That's my greatest advice. Tell someone you can trust, and let them help you, if even only over the phone. When I get through this, and I will, I need to address that void. I think I've already started. Best of luck to you all. You are not alone. I would finally rather be better than only feel better, til next time. Lets help each other.

  2. #2
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Glad you are actively working towards being clean: you're right percs, hydro, oxy, whatever are the greatest thing in the world: until they're not. Always, always, always remember that. I remember after a few years, the depression got to me, the hydros didn't even work anymore: just more of a reflexive habit than anything else. So many people who are addicted don't want to face that "they are LIKE THAT!" but we're all in the same boat, the boat of addiction and it never rests. You are right that you need to tell someone else, you are lucky that you could tell your husband and get understanding and help from him. No, you are not alone, there are many of us here: best bet make a plan to stay clean. Tell your story on the need to talk boards, help others when you can and to the extent that you can. Many here cannot make it alone without some intervention: NA, AA, therapy. I wish you all the luck in the world, you are about over the first hump. Then stop the benzos because you are so right: percs are no fun, benzos are a nightmare. Hang Tough!

    Peace,

    Iloerose

    PS: that took a lot of courage to tell your husband, this is the hardest thing you will ever do and the most important thing you will ever do in your life.

  3. #3
    BookishBG is offline New Member
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    Thanks so much for your support Iloerose. I am on day 7 and going strong. I feel mostly back to normal physically, but need to stay strong mentally. I'm doing it, one day at a time. I look forward to the day that I don't even have to think about it anymore!

  4. #4
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    The cravings get further and further between, the only danger is that you need to stay vigilant. If you don't, you'll be somewhere and say to yourself: Oh, I can take just one or I can control this now. No, you can't, that is the devil of addiction speaking in your head. Make a plan to go forward: new habits, new friends, NA, counseling, whatever works for you. Keep on staying strong! Always remember the help you received from your husband, so many aren't so lucky and so, do it alone. For many this board is the only support they have. Welcome to the other side. It's uphill from here!

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  5. #5
    BookishBG is offline New Member
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    Day 18 and it feels hard today. I am sure it has a lot to do with work stress. Percs were such a big help in this area. Learning to live without a crutch is tough. But I am hanging in there. 18 days. Wow.

  6. #6
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Good for you and Hang Tough, there! You've got this. Yeah, big WOW.

  7. #7
    BookishBG is offline New Member
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    26 days clean. If I can do it... anyone can.

  8. #8
    BookishBG is offline New Member
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    One month clean. Wow.

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