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For those going through suboxone withdrawal...
  1. #1
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Default For those going through suboxone withdrawal...

    YOU CAN DO THIS!
    I have been lurking here over the past 36 days and finally feel it is time to share my experience. I won't go into my story but I will say I tried jumping years ago at a very high dose and caved after 35 days. Now that I am on day 36 I feel that I can offer I inspiration to others. I am posting from my phone so sorry for any typos.
    I haven't taken any opiates in years and was literally using the suboxone as a crutch. I have a healthy, energetic 2 year old, am in nursing school, and work part time. I was on suboxone for almost 5 years. For the past year I was taking 12 mg. The two weeks before the jump I was down to 8, then went to 4 for my last 5 days. From what I read that is a high dose, but last time I failed I jumped from at least 12 mg!
    My thoughts on this: you have to be REALLY ready to be off this. Like set it in your head that there is no other option but to suck it up and get your life back. Last time I was not ready. I was craving all of the time and only focused on how I felt. I was forced to stay busy the whole time, and although I was cursing it at the time, it is what saved me this time!

    The first 2 weeks were terrible. RLS, anxiety, depression, lead suit for a body, everything. But I still was able to semi-function. I had a great support system in my Mom and ex husband (go figure) who took care of our daughter and my 2 year old nephew whom I have guardianship of. By day 18 (my birthday) I was able to actually enjoy myself without thinking of how I felt and went out and had a great time! The withdrawals would come in waves. This was mostly chills, sneezes, and a general restless feeling. I still had a hard time sleeping, but felt so great in those lucid moments throughout the day it didn't matter! The thing that concerned me most was I had the attention span of my toddler which is not a good thing when going through an accelerated nursing program. I was worried that I just wasn't a good student without taking anything. Proud to say that I just had my next wave of tests since I started feeling better and I did even better than when I was on subs!
    Now at day 36 I am still sneezing like a maniac, get the chills here and there, and for some reason G.I. Issues just started for me around day 23. Those are still here but not as bad. Now please don't get discouraged by me saying that because it is soooo tolerable and my good moments more than outweigh the bad.
    Here is what I did to help with the withdrawals: drank nothing but Powerade for at least 3 weeks, took B vitamins and amino acids, Valerian root when anxiety got bad, and Melatonin for sleep. I had Immodium but only used it sparingly for the first 2 weeks because I did not want to take the chance of prolonging everything.

    I know everyone's experience is different and I am not saying this was a cakewalk by any means. It was the hardest thing I've been through because I knew I was saying goodbye to the thing that made me superwoman with no back pain. It was like a grieving process went on. But guess what? I am doing everything I did before and I can feel again! It is so worth it!

    I know this is long winded but I just wanted to put this out there for everyone who is afraid of the withdrawal or having a hard time with it now. Keep pushing forward! Make it to the 2 week mark and I swear the good feelings you can actually feel now will get you through ANY smaller withdrawals you will still be feeling!
    Lo1622 likes this.

  2. #2
    Hope4Fam is offline Member
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    Hi. This is my first post...ever. First, I want to say GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!! I have been scouring Google for a couple weeks in preparation of my jump from 5mg. I like to do my research and be prepared. I am very happy for you that it is going well and that you pushed through. I have a 3 yr old daughter, and you give me hope. I don't know your reason(s) for jumping, but mine is simple. Suboxone has become just another addiction after 1 1/2 yrs. And all this for 3 months of "self-inflicted pain management" when the ER & specialists would not help me. The day after my surgery, I stopped opiates and inducted. Prior to that, I was clean for 2 1/2 yrs and had my beautiful miracle child at 29 yrs old during that time.
    I chose to stay on Suboxone cause of the changes I had read it has on the brain, and I what did I have to lose. Big mistake. If I only knew then what I know now. But why pursue answers right away when I was feeling so good. Energy like crazy, yada yada. Cue the aggression and irritability of the last year, which, according to Dr, is not a side effect of Suboxone, along with the GI problems (also not from Suboxone), and life has not been right for a long time. Also had Pseudotumor Cerebri back in May, and just realize subs, and not interferon, may have been a contributor. I was on 16mg for most of a year, after withdrawal sweats kicked in a whole month after starting sub therapy...so double the dose, right?
    Sorry so long, but I'm hoping maybe we can chat back in forth as I embark on this journey. Right now, you are my biggest inspiration, because you MADE IT. I do not worry about the withdrawals so much as my mental state and the trickery it will try. After 2 wks, I can get the Vivitrol injection which is just an opiate blocker. I want that safety net. I have no intention or craving, or want to use, but I've been down this road so many times in years past that I will take no chances. I am smart enough to know better than to say Never, ya know.
    I have been compiling a list of supplements and meds I will need. My Dr at the clinic does not agree with my jump, but she will support me in whatever I choose. She really does care and listen, and will spend an hour with me even though they (the methadone clinic) force appts on her every 15 minutes. She will be prescribing me clonidine, parafon forte (muscle relaxer-low grade, no sleepiness), and atarax (antihistamine). Is there anything else you think I should add to my list, or any pointers you can give on physically or mentally beating it?
    Lastly, I don't know you at all, but I want you to know that I am proud of you. It takes heart to go up against it, and willingly and knowingly put yourself through the wringer and come out the victor. I am overweight and eat bad, so I don't think that will help things. I am starting an exercise regimen now, before I jump, so I'm already involved and motivated. I have a bike/eliptical and the WII Fit stuff at home.
    Sorry this is so ridiculously long and all over the place. First post, so first time releasing it all. I wish you all the best, and I look forward to any updates you may provide. =) Thanks again.

  3. #3
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi! I am so glad you found inspiration from my post and replied to me! I think talking things out helps tremendously and wish I had posted sooner so of course I will chat with you! Reading through you post reminds me a lot of myself actually. I started on opiates because of a spinal disorder I had and chose to go on Suboxone about 2 years afterwards when I realized my life was revolving around my pain.
    I chose to stop the Suboxone for many reasons. Mainly I felt I was using it as a crutch and to make me the superwoman we Moms need to be! I started this nursing program and didn't want to feel like a hypocrite. I am in the medical field and know how the staff can be regarding patients on narcotics. I was so ashamed of the skeleton in my closet I decided it was time to clean it out! Not the perfect timing since I had so much going on with a new school and recently getting guardianship of my nephew who is just 10 months younger than my daughter, but it ended up helping a lot. As hard as it is taking care of 2 toddlers I honestly don't think I would have pushed through if it weren't for them. They reminded me everyday what it felt like to be human.
    With that being said, it is going to be a tough road while caring for a toddler, but I wouldn't have it any other way! I would suggest getting as many support people in place to help with babysitting, cooking, cleaning, caring for you for at least the first 2 weeks. After that most of the physical stuff will be gone except the extreme fatigue but you CAN push through!
    I am very overweight and am the pickiest eater ever so I'm afraid I can't offer much help on that side of things. I did drink TONS of water and Powerade for the first couple of weeks and steered clear of caffeine because, being the overly anxious person I am normally, it made me feel like I was ready to jump out of my skin. I am almost to day 40 now and back to my beloved coffee. I honestly didn't eat too much for the first 15 days or so, and made sure I drank nutrition shakes to keep my strength up during that time. Definitely get down as much protein as you can because it will help with the rebuilding of your amino acids. I walked a lot and spent as much time as I could outside in the sun. MUSIC helped tremendously. Florence and the Machine "Shake it Out" just about saved my life!
    Sorry this isn't broken into paragraphs but I am on my phone. I was so excited someone responded that I replied as soon as I saw it. Question for you: did your Sub dr say with a degree of confidence the irritability was not from the Sub? Only asking because my ex husband has been here with me for this withdrawal period and we were together for the entire length of my opiate excursion and he said I am much easier to get along with now. He said I was majorly irritable while on the Subs and am more even keel now, even when I was in the thick of withdrawal! I was shocked to hear this because I thought I was super-Mom on those darn things.
    Do you have a date you are planning on jumping yet?
    Thanks for the kind words and I hope I can help you get through this some; I know how daunting this task seems but it IS possible!

  4. #4
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there you 2 ladies!
    I wish you both the best and it sounds like you have done your research.
    This is most definitely a time when knowledge is power.
    I am tapering off of sub after 5.5 months on it!
    I am using Roberts plan on here 25% every 4 days or when stable with minimal withdrawals.
    I am on 1.75 mg
    I am sure you have seen it..

    I have heard of a couple of people jumping off of a high dose of sub.

    In fact I did it successfully a few years ago !
    I did not know about PAWS and after my jump when that hit it felt like it would last 4 ever.
    I did not know it will pass . It scared the cxxp out of me .
    So I went back on methadone and then sub again..

    This time I am hoping the taper will minimize the PAWS..
    Most people experience some form or another.
    My only suggestion would be to learn as much as you can about it so if and when you experience it you will be prepared.
    It will pass it is only our brains learning to fire and function without being saturated with opiates..
    It is great you are both exercising that is key!
    Keep posting the good the bad and the ugly!
    It helps so much!

    Take care
    Iluv2
    BTW Nursing is the greatest job in the world!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-05-2014 at 01:53 AM.

  5. #5
    Hope4Fam is offline Member
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    Warning: I tend to skip around a lot in my thought processes. LOL. Dr said the anger and irritability were not something she had complaints about. But then again, when I was living on laxatives she also assured me it was not from the suboxone. Being short with my boyfriend/daughter's father was normal, but when I could not sit in a car with my mom without praying she would just shut up and wanting to lash out, punch something, etc, I knew there was something up. The next step seemed like a no-brainer...Google it. Sure enough, accounts from several different people of anger on suboxone. I even went to a psych Dr and was prescribed Wellbutrin. Was also told it stemmed from my teenage years of rebellion and bipolar disorder. Right...Another theory was that my body was finally "clean" from all opiates (umm, no.) and that is just my real self coming out. I called BS on all that. I will try to do a short background then, but after being clean for 2 1/2 yrs, prior to the 3 month slip and consequent suboxone use, I know what I feel like when drug free.
    Some history. I do not compare my journey with others, because whether or not they were better or worse off is of no consequence. We are all fighting the same battle. i started my path to self destruction before i turned 13. Light dallying turned to hard partying at 18. I lost a few years of my 20's to being a blackout drinker. Throw in all the other drugs, and non-stop addiction spiraling out of control. The details are insignificant. They are the same for us all. My mom was always there, though...through calls from the hospitals all hours of the night, to visiting me in jail and double digit rehabs, to holding my hand when i was in a coma after taking a month supply of Seraquel (9000mg) with a half a fifth of Tequila. She told me when she would talk to me, my heart rate would go down a few beats. The Dr's gave her little hope. They said all we can do is wait. If my heart gave out, they would try to bring me back. So she had to sit. And wait. And pray. This is the experience that i think about most, of all the horrors I put her through. It is the one that haunts me. I did not have a child back then to truly understand what that must have been like...the emotions, the love, the helplessness. It was only a month before i was back in full blown addiction. i wanted to be a nurse. I can save everyone else, but i couldn't save myself. I was the definition of hopeless, and i just could not stop no matter how hard I tried. Clean times got shorter in length and the faith of my family dissipated. Except my mom and stepdad...unconditional love can be like that. Thank God for that.
    I met my daughter's father on a binge back in 2010 when i was 27 yrs old. 2 wks prior to meeting him, I began to wander the streets to support my habit. First time doing that, oddly enough. He was also an addict, and we clicked for a day then went our separate ways. A week later he showed up at my door. Just to go for a walk and talk. He saw through what i was doing to who i was, and knew that wasn't me. As I said, at 2 wks in you coud tell it wasn't my thing. i am a shy, bookworm type, not someone you would flag down on the street. He was also an addict, so we partied a couple months. I had gotten a criminal charge in that time, and was put on a year probation. My PO knew me from before, and she was really cool, but took no >>>>. She told me if I came up dirty on my next urine after the inital one, she would throw me in jail. No breaks. Last time she sent me to rehab. She really knew me. I am so honest that a cop once told me it was suspicious. LOL. She told me to go inpatient, that she knew i would not last the weekend and she didn't want to put me in jail. I told her I could do it. Needless to say, I got off probation a year later, and had remained clean all the way up to Sept 2012. My boyfriend got clean, too...a day after me. Of course the freebies come when you are quitting. He has remained clean for 4 1/2 yrs now.
    Holy cow, this is long. I don't have anyone but my mom to chat with these days, so you got stuck with the brunt of my ramblings. The persons mentioned above are my main supports. I have no friends, other than my 2 co-workers, but they are not really good friends, ya know. I have my family and that is all. I have no idea why I wrote all this out...now I just want to erase it and start all over. But I won't. Sorry. I know it is long.
    I guess I am feeling that desparation again, maybe. Very recently the suboxone has taken on the face of a drug. In 1 1/2 yrs i have never abused my meds. i have never given a dirty urine, nor have i used anything whatsoever recreationally. I fear when I am running out cause my Dr is only in the office 2 days a week. i have been short almost every month lately cause i would start my taper a few days into my script cause i wasn't ready to start it at that time. i cannot taper any farther because it has become a drug to me. My addictive mentally has resurfaced and I need off this roller coaster ASAP. During my clean years, I had no urge to use. It was like it just disappeared. Then, after my surgery, it went away again, though I can't say whether it was all me or the suboxone.
    I fear that my addictive personality has resurfaced. My only reason for doing long term suboxone was the changing brain chemistry part because I was terrified of going back to who I was before. Now it seems it has done more damage than anything. The only way to know for sure if I can again be myself is to stop the sub. I have one thing going for me now that I didn't before...my little girl. I realized long ago that before her, I had no reason to care. All my friends were having kids and making a life while i was slowly, then very quickly, spiraling out of control. She has changed me for the better...the best, really. I know that I will succeed and get through this and maintain my happy healthy life. Of course I will have safety nets and supports in place. After all, I'm not so arrogant anymore to think stuff could never happen, no matter how bad I want it not to.
    I have no exact date, though it will be in the next few days. I will be calling my Dr later today to call in the meds for me. I just want my life back. Again, Sorry this got so long and drawn out. It felt good to just write (type) =) I think it's time for bed. I hope that you are doing well today. Thank you very much for being on the other side of the screen. Now I really want to just delete this and write something short and sweet. Ugh. I hate indecision. Hitting send =)
    Iluv2smile, Myrtle22 and Daverss like this.

  6. #6
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Iluv2----Yea I have read about the dreaded PAWs. I look at it as payback. I've damaged my brain for so long I'd be silly to think I was going to have to pay the piper. I have researched with the mindset of getting to know the beast so I can slay it. I am not naive by any means, but just totally in the mindset that there's no going back. That I will deal with whatever I have to for however long I have to. Of course I have long ago been rid of any people places things that would even remotely help me cave in. Sad to say most of the people I knew way back when on opiates have since passed away. I got on the Suboxone at a good time it seems. Before the point of no return. Sad. So I am ready for PAWs, may even be going through some now. I am definitely not at 100% maybe pushing 70% but I can't even remember how I was 7 years ago before I started down this road it's like I'm learning about myself all over again. So I'll take 70% over 0% ME anyday.

    Hope4Fam- I'm glad you posted your story. Doesn't it feel good to get it all out? You've had a rough road. You made me tear up reading about your daughter. There really is no other love like it is there? Your Mom sounds amazing and I'm sure her love and support will do wonders for you as you go through this. Does she live nearby? Are you still with your boyfriend? Please don't think I am being bossy just trying to help but do they know what you are planning? The reason I'm asking is this: I made myself tell my mom and ex husband so that they would know to be here to help with the kids even if I didn't want them here to witness everything. I knew how hard it was for me to ask for help when I really needed it and would use all the stuff I had to do as an excuse to cave during those dark moments. I literally could NOT have done this without them.
    Now for the girl talk: are you still with your boyfriend? Don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable it just struck a chord with me. My ex husband and I both got into the opiates together; I was prescribed for my legit pain and everything just spiraled down from there. 8 years later and here we are.When I got on Subs, he had no choice but to be on them too because his supply dried up. We got married and divorced while I was on them.He stopped them like 6 months ago on his own and now that I am off it feels like we are starting a new relationship. He has been the only one outside of my mom who knows my secret and has been here unconditionally helping me through. Don't know what I would do without him. But I hated him so much just 6 months ago! Do you feel this way at all?
    Glad you are talking to dr today about comfort meds. I did take a few Vistaril during the first couple of weeks but can't honestly say whether it helped or not. Melatonin and that nasty Valerian Root really were my best friends. I didn't want to take the chance of seeing my sub dr so did this with all OTC meds (except for the few Vistaril I had stashed) but I have heard the Clonidine helps tremendously.
    Good luck today! Stay in the right mindset and you can get through anything!
    Day 40 for me now and I am doing okay. Still sneezing nonstop and the sweaty chills are annoying but all expected. My anxiety gets crazy at times but just have to focus on calming myself down and taking on tasks one at a time. Living the dream!
    Myrtle22 likes this.

  7. #7
    Hope4Fam is offline Member
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    That is great that you are tapering, iluv2smile =) From what I read, that is definitely the way to go. It sux that we will go through acute and PAWS either way, but as it has been said by madseason and so many others, it's time to pay the piper. Oddly enough, I think I will much prefer a milder, drawn out withdrawal than the alternative. Once you get that dose to crumbs, I should think it will def be much more manageable than the first time around. Definitely not as defined.

    madseason, that is so awesome that you and ur SO (significant other) are finding yourselves again. It is amazing how much this stuff, and all the stuff before it, changes who we are. That is great that he, too, cleaned up and that you two have a chance to get back what u had. It is a rare thing, I'm told, for couples who use together to make it clean n sober. It is also very true, with the exception, of course. My bf and I are still together. It has been a rough 4 1/2 yrs, mostly cause of how he treated me (very cold, emotionless), but he is the best dad I have ever seen. That alone kept me with him. My father left us, so having her dad was top priority to me. We are a work in progress.
    My mom is a town over, and since I take the bus to work n all over during the week, I get her car on weekends for the heavier shopping and such. She only gets to see Josephina (my daughter) on the weekends with our schedules, so we are together then and talk everyday on the phone. It is a very codependent relationship =) I often tried to break it and go all independent, but I learned my lesson. I wouldn't have it any other way now. My mom knows as much about the lifestyle out there as the people living it. I have always been up front...it's that honesty curse. I have told her, the bf, my Dr, and my counselors about what I am feeling now with the sub addiction thinking/feelings. If we are not honest about it, then we are definitely not ready to do something about it (in like 99% of cases. I'm sure there is the exception). It is wonderful that you have supports in place. All the rehab slogans go through my head all the time. LOL. Tell on your disease. Secrets make you sick, etc, etc. It is very sad those that have been lost to addiction. It is a wake up call and a reminder to not let the struggles be in vain.
    It is 10:30 a.m., and I am already starting the brain battle to stay away from my dose of sub. Like I said, it has become a full blown addiction. I feel so much clearer when I don't wake up and dose, but even knowing that does not keep the craving at bay. This past week I tried going to one dose instead of split doses. Well, ended up taking another one to pick me up at work, like my 2nd dose normally did, on several days so that put me up at 6 mg. It is a vicious cycle. Even I as I write this, seeing it for what it is, knowing what is going on, I feel powerless against it, ya know. Both literally and figuratively. I am fighting it, though. This is why the taper will not work. I tried going down and it consumed my thoughts till I took my reg dose. Ugh. So annoying. So...my goal today is to not take any. Tomorrow I will take a 2mg. I carry them with me everywhere, so today I will leave them. I am determined and now is the time for action. No more talk. Gotta go call my Dr and get the meds called in. The good times are coming. I hope your day goes smoothly, and I will write again later. Go enjoy that growing family. It is great that you took responsibility for your nephew. I am the caretaker of my family, too. Sick, hurt, whatever, I am the one they call. Is it the same for you? I love the stress and the small triumphs of caring for people. I bet going for nursing that is how you feel. Although so many medical professionals who go in for the job satisfaction lose their compassion somewhere along the way. Money is a strong motivator. You seem very caring, and that is what that field needs. =) I will be going for associates in Human Services in May. Second choice, of course.
    As u can see, I write...a lot. Please tell me more about yourself (you too, iluv2smile). You guys are doing awesome. Keep on keeping on. Damn slogans. LOL =)

  8. #8
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi can't post much because it's bath pajama story bedtime over here but was thinking about you. Hope you did okay today. I promise to post more once I get the babies to her. What a long day I've had. I made it though!

  9. #9
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    I am sorry it fell asleep with the kids last night. Yesterday was LONG had to get kids up fed and dressed for daycare then a 4 hour lecture class followed by work. Blah. But proud to say it was a 2 cups of coffee kind of day and not a 2 doses of Sub kind of day. I never could imagine being able to do all these things without my crutch. But I am doing it and am so proud of myself. It is super hard though, especially on those days where it takes a Herculean effort just to get myself dressed and out of bed, let alone 2 toddlers!
    How did you do yesterday? I know how hard it can be to not take that second dose. I always dosed twice in the day and you really feel like you won't make it through to bed time without it. But here's the thing YOU WILL! I couldn't taper anymore then I actually did because I was already feeling bad and felt I would prolong it. For me it was the right choice but I have read everywhere that it is much easier to taper to a small dose. You just have to be of the mind set that there's no turning back. Trust me I am no angel and I know personally how the fear of withdrawal can keep you locked in. Because of that I will NEVER judge someone for choosing to stay on or push it back. The only thing I set out here to do was to give HOPE that it is possible to overcome that fear.
    I have to get to school but I really hope you are hanging in there. Please don't beat yourself up for wanting/needing another dose. We all go through that and it will only push you further back. I will check back after school.

  10. #10
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    Hi MadSeason and Hope4,
    I've just read thru your thread and wanted to connect.
    Mad, I have so much respect for people that post on these threads I. Order to support those of us who are still in the throws of our tapers. You are just the person Hope4 needed to meet here...me too for that matter!

    I am part of a group of girls doing a taper together...we like to call ourselves "team taper" (I would have thought that was sooo queer years ago but am totally proud and grateful for it now!). Maybe you've seen our threads?!
    I'm at work but would love to write more later. I'm at 2.25 mg and planning on tapering as low as I can with the help of my friends here.
    I just wanted to ask if you've given thought to getting to a lower dose before making the jump? Looking forward to hearing your plan.
    Stay strong!
    Beth/grateful

  11. #11
    Hope4Fam is offline Member
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    I just wrote my 4th post and since I write them sporadically, it once again got deleted. This time I actually hit post, but it told me the token had expired and to refresh. Heartfelt post freakin gone. Great. Will try again later. Hope you are doing well today. I will rewrite my actual one later. Just wanted to let u know why I hadn't posted. I will start copying them before I have to go do something else, just in case. Or start posting after each paragraph. LOL. Getting on my bus to work now. Nice and dreary out here.

  12. #12
    Hope4Fam is offline Member
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    Hi Beth =) I just saw your post after I finally got mine posted. I love your screen name and makes me laugh. My daughter is Josephina and refers to herself as Phina (formerly spelled Fina) and you are Gratefulforfina. When picking names, I thought of spelling it Josefina =) Just thought i would share that. It is awesome that you are tapering, and that you have such a great support while tapering. I have gone from 16mg to 4mg over the last 6 months, though that doesn't really count for much cause it was easy. Somehow, that is not the case anymore. I have decided to go cold turkey cause I could not drop my dose. I take the pill form due to a narrow pallet and the strips were not staying put and sticking on my gums (I started having withdrawals a month after starting the suboxone). So when it was time to decrease by just a mg, cutting the 2mg pill was absurd. They are about the size of a baby aspirin. It came out uneven and I didn't want little pieces flying around, so I opted to drop right to 2mg. I made it for 2 days, took 4mg the next day, then another day at 2mg. Then i went back to 4mg and stayed there. It had absolutely nothing to do with withdrawal or feeling bad.
    I believe that this was where my sub use went from bad to worse. Something clicked in my head and it became obvious that this had gone from dependency to addiction. That is why I will be going C.T.

    "Team taper" is awesome. It is a name to inspire hope and commitment, the most necessary things to be in the group, i should think =) You are doing really great. Every day is one day closer to being free. I am gonna post this now before it disappears like my others. I had written some personal, important stuff I needed to get out so I wil have to work on that again rather than stuffing it back in where it does not belong =) I hope your day is going good, and hope you hang around =)

  13. #13
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Ladies! Hope how was your day today and yesterday? Are you hanging tight at 4mg or did you go to 2? Team Taper sounds like a great idea! Wish I could have done that with such a great support system. I am so sorry your post got erased that's terrible. I hope you can post it again I'd love to hear more of your story and how you are doing.
    Nothing like a rainy miserable day to bring out the aches and pains of withdrawal. At the end of day 41 now and just feel frustrated. My back has been acting up and my legs hurt and I am so tired I had myself convinced it was just a bad couple of days for withdraw but it's probably more the busy week I just had and I am human. The thing about this is I can feel wonderful for a few days and then I'll have a couple of days where I feel like I am back to week 2 or 3. It's nothing that I can't handle though. Still no cravings or urge to use what so ever just in pain. Took some ibuprofen and going to take some NyQuil for my cough so I can try to sleep tonight. My daughter just got over a nasty cold and I took care of a flu patient at work a little bit ago so I probably caught something.
    I have been doing a lot of thinking now that I have a clearer head and am realizing what my triggers are. The biggest is how overwhelmed I get at times when I think of all that is expected of me. What's crazy is most of the time it's ME who puts these ideas into my head that get me all worked up. Like if the kids are still in their pajamas past 10 on my day off I automatically go into panic mode about being a bad mom. I am trying to keep that in check and think I need to talk to a counselor about it so that I'm not setting myself up for failure because before when I would have those feelings I would take a dose and have all the energy needed to take the kids to the library, then the gym; then mcdonalds to play, then to the park, and shopping. It's taken me this long to realize that's not normal! It's okay to have some down time and I'm not a terrible mother for letting them play with their toys alone while I do cleaning or laundry or homework instead of putting all of that off until they went to sleep, then dosing again so I could stay up until all hours to get it done. It's a work in progress for sure.
    I hope I am not forgetting anyone's posts. It really is nice to have people to chat with/vent to. I am just beat and anxiety is getting to me which means it's time to call it a night. I'll check back in the morning.
    I hope everyone reading this had a wonderful day today and gets some good sleep tonight. Stay positive everyone you can do this!

  14. #14
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    Hi girls, getting ready for work but have to say...boy, can I relate!
    Hope4, if you lose a post, refresh your screen, hit 'Respond to Thread' at the top or bottom of the page of posts, then go to last post entry of thread and hit 'Reply' (or 'Reply with Quote') and the post box that you will type in should have a little box under it which says, 'Restore Auto Save'. That will bring up whatever you were typing last which did not get posted. I lost countless posts, many of which I had poured out many paragraphs of heartfelt honesty, before finally contacting the admins and asking if I could get it back. Works every time because of the frequent 'auto save' feature'!

    BTW, my daughter's nickname is Fina!!! We couldn't agree on whether to spell it Serafina or Seraphina (I wanted the later as it is the biblical spelling and she is aptly named for the Angel that she is...a miracle for us!).

    We do try to do it all, don't we! Best advice I can say (because I need to practice this everyday) is to do this thing just for today...that we can do!

    I don't have much time to post through the week as I to have a little one and work 45+ (I'm a nurse, go figure!...as are my 'Team Taper' friends). I need to catch up with my girls on our threads later today but will write more over the weekend. All my best to both of you. Thank you for the inspiration!

    Peace,
    Grateful

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by madseason20 View Post
    Hi Ladies! Hope how was your day today and yesterday? Are you hanging tight at 4mg or did you go to 2? Team Taper sounds like a great idea! Wish I could have done that with such a great support system. I am so sorry your post got erased that's terrible. I hope you can post it again I'd love to hear more of your story and how you are doing.
    Nothing like a rainy miserable day to bring out the aches and pains of withdrawal. At the end of day 41 now and just feel frustrated. My back has been acting up and my legs hurt and I am so tired I had myself convinced it was just a bad couple of days for withdraw but it's probably more the busy week I just had and I am human. The thing about this is I can feel wonderful for a few days and then I'll have a couple of days where I feel like I am back to week 2 or 3. It's nothing that I can't handle though. Still no cravings or urge to use what so ever just in pain. Took some ibuprofen and going to take some NyQuil for my cough so I can try to sleep tonight. My daughter just got over a nasty cold and I took care of a flu patient at work a little bit ago so I probably caught something.
    I have been doing a lot of thinking now that I have a clearer head and am realizing what my triggers are. The biggest is how overwhelmed I get at times when I think of all that is expected of me. What's crazy is most of the time it's ME who puts these ideas into my head that get me all worked up. Like if the kids are still in their pajamas past 10 on my day off I automatically go into panic mode about being a bad mom. I am trying to keep that in check and think I need to talk to a counselor about it so that I'm not setting myself up for failure because before when I would have those feelings I would take a dose and have all the energy needed to take the kids to the library, then the gym; then mcdonalds to play, then to the park, and shopping. It's taken me this long to realize that's not normal! It's okay to have some down time and I'm not a terrible mother for letting them play with their toys alone while I do cleaning or laundry or homework instead of putting all of that off until they went to sleep, then dosing again so I could stay up until all hours to get it done. It's a work in progress for sure.
    I hope I am not forgetting anyone's posts. It really is nice to have people to chat with/vent to. I am just beat and anxiety is getting to me which means it's time to call it a night. I'll check back in the morning.
    I hope everyone reading this had a wonderful day today and gets some good sleep tonight. Stay positive everyone you can do this!
    Hi Mad4,
    There's a great gal on here who has successfully tapered as well. She is very active on these forums and has been such a support and friend to myself and the other girls from 'Team Taper'...and countless others as well.
    Her username is lwantoff2013. You should check out her thread as you two have a lot in common. She still posts about her journey since her jump and is not too, too far ahead of you. Just a suggestion!

    My username is Gratefulforfina and my thread is also under the Suboxone Treatment board/forum. Instead of going into my usual long-winded (you guys think you write looong posts, just check out my thread!!!) story I thought you might just read the early posts from when I jumped on here.

    Hope you girls are doing great today!

    Grateful!

  16. #16
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hello ladies. I am at the end of day 42, and feeling pretty good. Better than last night thank goodness. I took some Nyquil and my ex husband let me sleep in a little bit and I think the sleep did wonders for me. Had another long day. I had off of school and work, but when you have two toddlers you never really have a day off do you? Cleaned their toy room out, played a lot, then had to drive 2 hours away to pick up my older nephew from his Dad's for a visit just to turn around and come right back. 4 hour drive altogether with toddlers who didn't nap. We had a good time. Lol. I made it through though! No urge to dose, just deep breathed. Got home and had to bath both younger kids and they were both screaming through the whole thing. I thought I was going to lose my patience, but my ex husband came in to take my nephew out of the tub and he immediately started peeing all over him. Ahhh comic relief! I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. Still laughing about it. I honestly can't remember the last time I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. It feels good!
    I am still getting the icky chills here and there, G.I. issues still here, sneezes have slowed down but still here, achy body and that itchy throat feeling. But it is all tolerable. The anxiety tries to get the best of me still but I am learning new ways of coping. Laughing helps. If only Cole could pee on the ex hubs every time. Lol. I kid; he is a good guy and I definitely would not have made it this far without his help.
    Hope-how are you doing? I hope everything is going well for you.
    Grateful- Thanks for the suggestion I will have to check both threads out after I finish watching these pharmacology lectures I am supposed to be watching right now. You are a nurse? That is awesome. I am in nursing school and work as a nurses aid in the ER part time. I always felt like the black sheep in my field; it is good to know I am not! Going to watch these lectures now, but look forward to getting to know more of your story later on.
    Anyone reading this wondering about withdrawal or who is going through it: Keep your chin up! This is doable. Hard as Hell, but doable! I am working, going to school, raising two toddlers, and dealing with family issues and I am still kicking and am feeling so proud. You can do this too I promise!

  17. #17
    Hope4Fam is offline Member
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    Again, wrote a post while at work and it's gone. LOL. Then I had two different computers both lose their internet connection there as well. 2 other people on their computers were fine. No internet, no X-lite dialer. I do fundraising for police org's. Go figure. LOL. My boss calls my malady my "black cloud". Murphy's law is no stranger to me. Seriously. It's sad, but true. I'm the one with the dog ate my homework excuse, and it would be true =P Anyway, I am so glad you girls are doing good. I have written so much to you both that to u have never read. I am determined to sit her and finish this one.

    So, I have been taking more Suboxone than prescribed in the last week or 2 since I decided to quit. It's like a squirrel hoarding nuts for winter. It's a flaw and how my brain works. Another example: I decided to quit smoking a few months ago. Got the Nicotrol nasal spray n everything. I now smoke more than I ever have. It's like a subconscious comes into play. I like to call it stupidity. All I have done is make my coming withdrawal worse. An average of an extra 3 mg over 2 weeks makes a big difference. I don't like to admit this as it makes me look like I won't make it through, but on the contrary, it makes my resolve to be done that much stronger. I am literally sick after I take my doses these days. When I wake up in the morning, I feel great. Once I take the pill, I feel good for a bit, then progressively crappier. I hate the feeling of addiction. I pray that once I am done with it,I can go back to the mindset and clear headed happiness I had for those 2 1/2 yrs clean.

    So anyway, tomorrow will be my first day off. I have 5 or 6 2mg pills left, which I am sending to work with my boyfriend until he can pass them off to my mom in case of OMG I'm dying severe withdrawal. I have my clonidine, muscle relaxer, and cataract. I have to hit the store for Gatorade, b-complex, and fruits. I will hold off on getting the Imodium and see how my bodily functions go.

    If there is anything I am missing on my list of necessities for withdrawal, please let me know. I am going into this with a most positive attitude. I do not really fear the withdrawal so much as the mind f* I know will come. I am prepared, though. I have supports in place and a daughter who needs me. Who, by the way, has just started a horrible 3 yr old phase of defiance and spitting and bossing people around. W#!T!#F? So that should be fun =) LOL. I will def keep updating. I thought about starting a journal on my own thread. I don't know. Still thinking about it.

    Mad- that pee happening is classic. Heck yeah that made ur day =) I am so glad you are still pushing through. I am so in awe of you, and so very proud of your accomplishments. You give all of us out here taking the leap so much inspiration and power over this =) I will def right more tomorrow to each of you personally. Just wanted to finally type one of these out n actually post it. LOL. I hear my bf coming to bed to sleep for work so I better hurry before I get interrupted yet again.

    Fina- =) I am going to have to search for those threads. I tried to retrieve my post, but maybe it doesn't work like that on mobile cause that option did not come up. Then again, I may have missed it, but I tried several times. Seraphina is a B E A U tiful name =) That is so funny we both have phina's. How are you doing with your taper? It is awesome that you're a nurse =) Will write more tomorrow. Have a great night and day .

  18. #18
    Hope4Fam is offline Member
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    LOL. That was Atarax, not cataract for my meds. Stupid autocorrect. And yay...I finally posted. Talk to you ladies tomorrow. =)

  19. #19
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Ladies. End of day 43 for me and I am good. Can't post much because I just got home and settled from a 12 hour shift and have to be back for another 12 in less than 10 hours. Bed time is fast approaching. Work was crazy busy today but I made it! Even got a compliment about how hard working I am. I always thought it was the subs that gave me that quality. Ha! It was a good day filled with many hours without even thinking about how I felt. I am so grateful.
    Hope- did you skip your dose today? How are you feeling?
    Will post more either tomorrow if I get a break at work or Monday. I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. Stay positive ladies it only gets better!

  20. #20
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Ladies. Hope-how are you doing? Still hanging in there?
    I really hope everyone is feeling well tonight. I am at the end of day 45! That's half way to 90 days ladies and gents! I am feeling pretty darn good. Sore but that's probably the 25 total hours I worked the past 2 days. Had some issues with getting up and going today but it's to be expected with everything I have going on. I am learning I can't go full speed ahead 24 hours a day like I used to.
    The sneezing has slowed up a lot. Same with the chills and anxiety thank goodness. I would say I am at least 75% at this point. And loving every minute of it. It has been a long run but so worth it! I would definitely suggest tapering to anyone who has the willpower to do it but if you are like myself please just push through about 15 days and you will see an improvement. You can do this!
    Gotta get the kids bathed and ready for bed so I can try to do some schoolwork. Just got back from a long walk and playing at the park with the kids. They are so cute and I feel like I can finally fully engage in playing with them now. I've missed it!

  21. #21
    Hope4Fam is offline Member
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    Mad- you are doing so great =) I think having kids makes a world of difference. I ended up taking 2 mg on Saturday night, and finished my last couple yesterday. I am now 24 hours in. I feel a sneezy burn and congestion in my sinuses, but I've had it off n on for days so it's not really related to this. I'm afraid I have spinal fluid built up in my brain again cause I had mistook it for sinus infection last time for a month. Medical name Pseudotumor Cerebri. I see the neurologist on the 19th so we shall see. Other than that, all is well. I don't expect to start feeling horrible for a couple days yet. I have my vitamins and a protein powder with lots of amino acids. It's for recouping bodybuilders and active people, but I think it will be good for me. My current state of diet is atrocious. Cereal is my main food group. So here's to hoping I am as strong and as willed as you are and have been. I'm at work now, but I will write more later. Thought about starting a thread for support, but don't know yet =)

    P.S. You are doing so great. You should be super proud of yourself. =)

  22. #22
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    How are you doing Hope? I hope you got some sleep last night. I am glad you have the dr appt on the 19th to get checked out. I am sure that scares you. I can't write too much because I have a massive amount of schoolwork to do today but I wanted you to know I am thinking of and praying for you. I know how scary this is in the beginning and I pray for peace of mind and strength for you during this time. Just remember this will all pass and think about how great you will feel in just a couple of weeks! If you need to vent or talk I am here for you and will check in throughout the day. Absolutely post a thread for support there seems to be a lot of people here who have great advice. It will help give you the encouragement that's needed to climb this mountain.

  23. #23
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Hope just thought of you and wanted to check in before I turned in for the night. Keep your head up you can do this!

  24. #24
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Ladies-
    Hope-how are you feeling? Still hanging tough?
    End of day 48 for me and I am doing well. Pretty stressed out because it's the end of the semester but I finally feel like I am over most of the physical withdrawals. Just minor sneezing and chills randomly throughout the day. My focus is back and energy is there when I need it to be. Still have to push myself but don't we all?
    I think I have entered the dreaded PAWS zone with all the aches and random depression and anxiety some days. Definitely not too bad. Still trucking along and loving my freedom. Keep your head up everyone it gets better and better everyday you don't dose!

  25. #25
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    Hello girls!
    So sorry I haven't posted on this thread since we met here. I usually forget that people don't tend to come to my thread and I forget to go checking for replies sometimes! Plus my dad has been seriously I'll and when not at work I'm spending most free time with him.

    Hope, I've been watching to see if you start a thread...how r u? Have you gone CT? It looks like you had your last dose on the 9th. That would put you on day 8? I hope you are doing well and that you'll come back and post. This is too much to do without support.
    I laughed out loud when you said that cereal is your main food group! I just ate a whole bag of tortilla chips and guacamole for lunch! I hope you're already taking the supplements and amino acid powder but you have to be eating well for those things to really do their job.
    Wherever you are with this, think of Josephina...you CAN do it. Keep reading and posting. I can't tell you from experience about CT or making the jump but tapering has been so doable. Honestly, after reading on these threads, I can't believe anyone could or would jump off at such a high dose (and it IS a HIGH dose) but if MadSeason could do it then so can you but you have to let her help you!
    And remember, nobody judges around here as we all have the same defect. So wherever you are, let's talk about it!

    MadSeason, I'm really happy for you that you are feeling well and things are continuing to improve physically. I don't know where you are with the PAWS that you thought you might be experiencing but you don't seem like you will let it get the best of you. For me, the blues feeling and lethargy are the worst feeling. I know I will need to take it day by day and it's people like you who will keep me inspired. Like I said, I have so much respect for the reason you came on this thread and posted your message. It really is all about paying it forward.

    I hope to read more from you both.
    Peace!
    Beth/gratefulforfina

  26. #26
    madseason20 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Beth!
    I am sorry you Dad has fallen ill. That must be tough for you to go through emotionally with everything else you are dealing with right now. You are certainly in my prayers. That is awesome you have been spending a lot of time with him though.
    End of day 52 now and I am still hanging tough! Physically feeling better everyday. I get pretty bad pains at night in my muscles but I have a spinal disorder so I am thinking I am just pushing myself too hard. Nothing a little ibuprofen, whining, and post whining massage from ex hubs can't help.
    Still dealing with some of the lack of motivation and pure exhaustion but I honestly can't say whether that is from PAWS or if it is just everything I have going on at the moment. It has been so long since I was clean of all substances that I really don't remember what "normal" is. But I will gladly take this "new normal"! Trying my best to lower the massive expectations I put on myself.
    On a positive note: no urge to dose at all! Even with all of the stress and turmoil from family issues and school stuff going on I never want to go back. The way my heart feels when I look into my daughters eyes now is so amazing there is no way I ever want to numb that again.
    The blues and lethargy can seem daunting. I have been breaking tasks into smaller ones and if I start to get too anxious I let myself sleep. There comes a point when I get counterproductive when I get all worked up and its better just to let your body heal. If you had the Flu you wouldn't be able to do all of those things. So treat yourself like you have a new strain of the Flu that lasts a month or two!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-17-2014 at 06:44 PM.

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by madseason20 View Post
    Hi Beth!
    I am sorry you Dad has fallen ill. That must be tough for you to go through emotionally with everything else you are dealing with right now. You are certainly in my prayers. That is awesome you have been spending a lot of time with him though.
    End of day 52 now and I am still hanging tough! Physically feeling better everyday. I get pretty bad pains at night in my muscles but I have a spinal disorder so I am thinking I am just pushing myself too hard. Nothing a little ibuprofen, whining, and post whining massage from ex hubs can't help.
    Still dealing with some of the lack of motivation and pure exhaustion but I honestly can't say whether that is from PAWS or if it is just everything I have going on at the moment. It has been so long since I was clean of all substances that I really don't remember what "normal" is. But I will gladly take this "new normal"! Trying my best to lower the massive expectations I put on myself.
    On a positive note: no urge to dose at all! Even with all of the stress and turmoil from family issues and school stuff going on I never want to go back. The way my heart feels when I look into my daughters eyes now is so amazing there is no way I ever want to numb that again.
    The blues and lethargy can seem daunting. I have been breaking tasks into smaller ones and if I start to get too anxious I let myself sleep. There comes a point when I get counterproductive when I get all worked up and its better just to let your body heal. If you had the Flu you wouldn't be able to do all of those things. So treat yourself like you have a new strain of the Flu that lasts a month or two!

    I'm so glad to hear from you and that you're doing well. Thanks you for your kind thoughts and the prayers are wonderful. He needs them.
    I am blessed that we live close and we've always shared a very stong relationship. I don't let this taper keep me from him, especially when I don't know how much longer he will be with us. It is breaking my heart to watch him suffer. He can't go 5 feet without getting exhausted so I cannot complain about my fatigue and malaise. I've shared some of this with him recently and he appreciates my honesty. My siblings are treating him like a sick child and don't tell him much. Sad.

    Way To Go on Day 57!!!
    Seemed impossible at one time for sure and I know you must be amazed at your strength. You have two children (yes, your nephew counts fully!), go to school, work in the ER,....and I see you're dealing with personal stuff too. Life sometimes gets in our way, but that's life! You get total credit from me cause I remember how tough it was in nursing school and being a grown up with a full time job and a busy life all at the same time. Sometimes I look back on that time in my life and think, "wow, how did I pull that off?!" Once I'm off of Subs I can say the same thing!

    I too am an over zealous supermom! Can't sit still really. My husband is always saying "you know it won't kill her to stay home and veg on a Saturday once in a while!" And as far as massive expectations, no mystery you're in nursing school! I found that we feel so much better about ourselves when we"re solving everyone's problems...especially when we can't solve all of our own! I realized this about myself long after nursing school. Years ago, my AA sponser told me that the only reason I was always so busy taking care of everyone else's needs (sick parents, suffering addicts in the rooms, lost animals!!) was that it was a diversion which enabled me to ignore my own issues. She always saw right through my stuff!

    Ok, so it's 2:30 am and I started this post at work today!
    Enough of the insomnia already.
    I dropped to 1.5 mg today and although I know you're not supposed to feel the symptoms for a few days, I think I'm really in for a rough couple of nights. I'll really need to hear from people who say, "Oh well, just push through it!"
    I guess I just have that new "strain of the flu" that's been going around!!!

    Thank you for staying in touch!
    Peace.
    Beth/grateful

  28. #28
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there mad
    Dropping in to see how you are?
    Day 57 you are doing great!
    I remember Nursing school , working full time and raising my children how tough it was and I was not even detoxing!

    That would of pushed me over the edge!
    I am a team taper nurse with Beth
    We started in September at 6mg all 3 of us..
    Now we have gone down a lot considering I did not know if I could do this..
    I was doing ok at work then I broke all 4 of my toes on my left foot ..
    I work in ICU and was running to an emergency well not running but definitely not paying attention to where I was walking and twisted my foot and ended up breaking my toes..
    My cast is off now and hopefully I will be back to work in < 3 weeks..

    Now Unlike Beth I have not been running around that busy..
    I don't know it may be better to have no choice but push through!!

    When your days are really hard ...just know how blessed you are to be going through this now so you will be done with this opiate ordeal ... before you are a RN..
    There is a big problem in the medical field and being a nurse doesn't help..
    We are so good at taking care of others that it is easy to get hungry, angry, lonely or tired and those are huge
    Triggers for most people ..

    Have fun in school .. It really does fly by..
    It doesn't seem like it while you are there but you will look back say it was quick..
    I will check back later
    Iluv2
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-18-2014 at 06:56 AM.

  29. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iluv2smile View Post
    Hi there mad
    Dropping in to see how you are?
    Day 57 you are doing great!
    I remember Nursing school , working full time and raising my children how tough it was and I was not even detoxing!

    That would of pushed me over the edge!
    I am a team taper nurse with Beth
    We started in September at 6mg all 3 of us..
    Now we have gone down a lot considering I did not know if I could do this..
    I was doing ok at work then I broke all 4 of my toes on my left foot ..
    I work in ICU and was running to an emergency well not running but definitely not paying attention to where I was walking and twisted my foot and ended up breaking my toes..
    My cast is off now and hopefully I will be back to work in < 3 weeks..

    Now Unlike Beth I have not been running around that busy..
    I don't know it may be better to have no choice but push through!!

    When your days are really hard ...just know how blessed you are to be going through this now so you will be done with this opiate ordeal ... before you are a RN..
    There is a big problem in the medical field and being a nurse doesn't help..
    We are so good at taking care of others that it is easy to get hungry, angry, lonely or tired and those are huge
    Triggers for most people ..

    Have fun in school .. It really does fly by..
    It doesn't seem like it while you are there but you will look back say it was quick..
    I will check back later
    Iluv2
    Bette, I love when we show up on the same thread!
    Go "Team Taper"!
    Beth
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  30. #30
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    Mad, how did Day 57 go (WOW!)?
    Was just checking in to see if you've been around. You're probably studying or something worth while (and all energy consuming!)

    I hope you're remembering your own advice...take each task as it comes and when too much, get some rest.
    We can't let ourselves fall victim to HALT...Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

    Post often as it helps us all.

    Beth

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