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No More Lies..I need some help weaning..any info or encouragment would be a priceles
  1. #1
    Nomrlys is offline New Member
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    Red face No More Lies..I need some help weaning..any info or encouragment would be a priceles

    Hello everyone..
    First off I really hope Im in the correct thread..and If I,m not let me know and Ill gladly move this to the correct one..
    So..as Im sure a million other people have said to either their friends or loved ones..I have a serious drug problem and need help..It started in June of 2010,,me snorting perc 30s..Found out My EX of 8 years was sleeping with my best friend and I used the percs to get over it..It was in my head that I shouldnt be doing this but I told myself..Im not that kind of person (not trying to label anyone so please dont take offense to that) but I didnt think I would get so dependent on them..BOY WAS I WRONG...
    After about 10 months..maybe a year my "guy" couldnt get 30s anymore so I started on the opana 40s..(yellow octagon) so I dont want this message to go on for to long cause no one will finish reading it..And I really want and actually need you to if you could..so Ive been taking one opana 40 (in quarters broken up through out the day) for close to a year i guess..
    11/12 at 6am I told my GF everything..all the lies,,everything I sold to get drugs that I lied to her about..money that I had taken from her..and then I told my sister//my best friend//and my brother-in-law the same day..that was a really bad day for me and even worse for my GF..I feel terrible about it..and have wanted to get off now for a while..I thought I could do it by myself but I was way wrong..AGAIN..
    My GF is going to stay with me and help me through this aswell as my family..they are all behind me and willing to help..But I really feel like its still up to just me in the longrun..
    I have nothing against suboxins but I just dont want to get hooked on something else to get me off these..Yes its cheaper but just as addictive if not more I think..I want to wean off the opanas back down to the perc 30s then off them slowely but completely..
    I know how stupid this is that I did this so please try not to remind me..If anyone has any suggested time frame I should shoot for,,or words of encouragment,,I really need the help right now..I dont want to chase this anymore..its ruining me and everything around me..and I broke my GF's heart..Please help me make this right..

    Thank you so much for reading this
    B

  2. #2
    Katwontlisten is offline Junior Member
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    Please don't be so fast to rule out the Suboxone. It takes care of the physical w/d's and puts you in a different mindset. You have been hooked for awhile mentally and physically. The Suboxone will give you the time you need for a full recovery. That's just my opinion but that is also my game plan. I was hooked on pretty large quantity of norco 10/325 for 6 years. I started my recovery 10 days ago. Best of luck to you my friend no matter what you decide to do. Kathy

  3. #3
    cryin out is offline Member
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    I think it it brave of you to tell the truth like you did. I really wish you the best in this, but I have no advice or wisdom to share. I am sure someone will come along that will be of help. Totally hoping this turns out to be a successful wean/detox for you. Take care and post often

  4. #4
    Nomrlys is offline New Member
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    Thanks Kathy and thank u "Cryin" even just one reply is such a huge help,,Just to know someone has read my post and cared enough to even post one word is so awesome..thank you..Im on day 2 of my weaning off this ???? for good and am starting to get pretty nervous about how im going to feel mentally and physically in a couple days/weeks.. It seems like somehow the hardest person for me to be honest to is myself..its weird..I feel like Im my own worst enemy sometimes in how much I obsess about getting drugs in me..Addiction runs really big in my family..I just really hope I can do this..

    ***quick question for someone that has or has helped someone wean off an "OPI" addiction...Should I use an hourly schedule? like say dose every 8 hours then a couple days later dose every 9 or 10 hours etc.? Im still trying to work out a "schedule" and trying to figure out how long this should go on..I dont want it to be to short of a time and have it backfire but I dont want to torture myself and drag it on forever either..alls I know is I want off..
    Thank you so much again..Your comments mean more than you could ever imagine
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-15-2011 at 09:13 AM.

  5. #5
    Katwontlisten is offline Junior Member
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    I can't offer you any advice for a tapering schedule. The umpteen times I was going to taper ended up with me eating the rest of what I had with the intention of "toughing it out" and going cold turkey. That never happened once. Each time about 24 hours into Xerox I buckeled and relapsed because I just could not handle those horrible w/ d's. Maybe I am just weak, I don't know. Maybe you are a stronger person than me. My prayers and thoughts are with you, friend. Kathy

  6. #6
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Dear Nom,

    Welcome to the Forum. You have found a wonderful place to realize your goal of being clean and sober. There are lots of awesome folks here that will lend hints, suggestions, plans, and most of all kinship and support. So long as you are respectful here, no one will take offense to anything you say. I promise. A part of your post made me smile, but not in a mean way, just an understanding. If I called you an addict right now, would you be offended? I doubt it. I'm an addict, not proud of it but nonetheless it's true. You are my mirror as I am yours. This Forum was and still is my lifeline. I won't bore you with my story (War and Peace, Volume 2). Suffice it to say that I so know what you're going thru. My battle started over 20 yrs ago and I used for most of that getting clean and relapsing and so it goes. Finally, I found what worked for ME. I'm coming up in early January to 2 years. I never thought I'd be able to say that.

    What I read in your post is the fear of detox, looking ahead weeks, months. This is what we do to ourselves. Surely you've heard of one day at a time, right? At his point, my friend, I found I was looking at 10 minutes at a time. One day came later on. The first hurdle is to get clean however you decide to do it. Weaning, not my strong point. I am pure of heart and a pure addict at thought. If it was there, I'd use it and worry about later then. I wish I had the strength to have weaned, but not in the cards for me. That's OK. The end goal is to be clean no matter how you get there. If you want to follow thru with what you've started the goal is to make the time between your doses a little further part every day. So long as you manage to take less and NEVER EVER increase regardless of what your brain or life is telling you, you'll do it. This is a slow process but soon, you'll find that you've managed to cut one dose out a day. At some point, you will reach the point to jump and hopefully the amount you're taking will be small enough to make the symptoms tolerable. OK That's what I have to say about that.

    Stay strong and stay tuned. Try to get past that fear because it's what defeats us. Honest. Admire your strength and progress, no matter how small or large so long as there's progress. Getting honest with you and yours and the first and biggest step and you did that. Keep it honest.

    My thoughts, just about the whole process of getting and staying clean was sort of an epiphany for me. I used the good 'ole cold turkey method. From Day 1 and, well you know how I was feeling, I told myself..."I can make it to 10am". At 10, I'd tell myself, I can make it until noon. There were times that I was only promising myself that I'd make it another 1/2 hr. Then I would reconsider and if I really wanted to, I could pick up that phone and make the call. I did that for the 5 days of detox. When I was among the living on Day 6 and looked directly at myself in the mirror that morning getting ready for work, for the first time in a very long time I liked what I saw. My eyes were clear and bright. I chose that as my inspiration and at the same time made a promise to myself. "I will not use today but I will reconsider tomorrow". I still do that everyday. Did I crave. Oh, you bet--but I always, always know that I can make it thru today.

    Much Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-15-2011 at 10:39 AM.

  7. #7
    Katwontlisten is offline Junior Member
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    Just another quick word. For me I honestly would not have a chance to climb out of this hell of a life I have made for myself without the help of Suboxone. I thank God for it every day. Kathy

  8. #8
    Katwontlisten is offline Junior Member
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    Hey Cat you struck a nerve when you mentioned about calling us addicts. Last week I went to my first N.A. meeting. Admitting I was an addict to others was THE hardest thing I have ever done but man did it feel good. Kathy

  9. #9
    Katwontlisten is offline Junior Member
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    Red face

    Hey Cat you struck a nerve when you mentioned about calling us addicts. Last week I went to my first N.A. meeting. Admitting I was an addict to others was THE hardest thing I have ever done but man did it feel good. Kathy

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    Nomrlys is offline New Member
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    " If I called you an addict right now, would you be offended"

    Not in the least bit...I am a realist and am 100% aware of the fact that im a drug addict..I have been for a while now..
    Just doing the best I can to stay positive and try to realise how good or how much better my life will be after this.."the chase" is exhausting..phsyclly and mentally..and financially!! I sold everything I had..im pretty much down to nothing..so I guess I can look forward to going out and buying a bunch of toys to replace the ones I sold for drug money..Mountain bike,,my side arm,,skis, snowboard,,ipad,,itouch,,the list goes on and on..I guess those can be my rewards for getting clean from me,,to me.!

  11. #11
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Nom,

    The reward of getting and staying clean are boundless. As I watched my bank account grow, being able to not only pay my bills on time but still have money left was an amazing feeling. We all remember the chase. It's a chase that you can't win but still we chase until we are utterly exhausted and take that moment of sanity to recognize the insanity within which we live. My best memory of being clean, not quite up to par, but clean was a vacation to Florida with family including grandchildren and NOT having to worry about how many pills I had and then to be so so careful when away so I wouldn't run out. I already told you, if I had em, I'd take em. Even knowing I was too far from home to get ANYTHING, still I'd be running low far too early ruining the back end of my vacation in mild detox mode. Even that never sunk in that something is wrong with this picture! Finally, in 2010 I went away for 10 days without a pill and except for a bit of sleep issues, I stepped onto that plane with my head held proud. "I'm really doing this...I really am!" And the best part was that I was NOT afraid. It was along time since I had that feeling.

    Rebuild your life with your health, your self-worth, then your relationships and finally with stuff. It'll happen.

    Peace,

    Cat

  12. #12
    cryin out is offline Member
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    Catrina, I have never told you this, but I absolutely love you, I love when you post and I love your wisdom. I have tried to get clean twice. When detox was over I was still in such considerable pain that I would go back on my pain meds. I am a cancer survivor and sadly one of those cases where something is wrong. I never give up hoping I will not need the pain meds one day. MY problem with taking pain meds is that I think in my greatest emotional distress I learned to hide behind them and then I was over my daily limit. I probably have that type of personality too. I come here always to learn as I wont give up hope on myself. You are one of those people that makes me not give up that hope. no More Lies, I hope the people here inspire you, I know Catrina is one that really speaks from the depths to me.

  13. #13
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Crying Out,

    You've made my day. I often wonder how many, if any, take the time to read my posts and are able to gain anything from what I sometimes refer to as my rants (when I want to rant) or my ramblings that make so much sense to me. I'm always so grateful when something I post hits a cord within someone. I hope it helps someone to reflect upon what's going on in their heads as opposed to what's going on with their physical being. I've learned that addiction is alot like life, much of it is mind over matter. It wasn't until I detoxed by cold turkey and was patient and determined enough to get thru all the garbage that follows that my head became clear enough for me to start to make some sense about what I had allowed to happen and what inner power I had to face it fearless. My gift is that I'm learning to like myself again. It has a been along time since I was last able to say that. I wasn't sure if after all I'd done I would be able to find the new/old me. As time goes by, I am a better person for what I've been through. I have courage that I never dreamed I had somewhere deep, deep within. I always considered myself non-judgemental and compassionate and perhaps that was true. Now, however those attributes have grown expontentially. I have few opinions on things in life unless I've lived enough of the issue to know how I really feel. I refuse to believe that there isn't great good in all of us. We just need to allow it to surface.

    I come back to the Forum, not as often as I should, to pay it forward. To try to help another in agony to try and make sense of how this came to be. I don't have the answers. I only know that a magical thing happened to me in January, 2010 that allowed me the clarity to make sense for me, this is what worked for me, so why not for someone else. Not everyone. But if just one being can make sense of my nonsense, my explanation of my thought process then my addiction, my suffering and my triumphs were worth every bit of it. Gaining control and victory over addiction, in my opinion, just may be the most difficult thing I've ever done and I did it anyway. For today. I will think about it again tomorrow. We come out the other side of abusing to a bright new place where we begin again to build our lifes and regain our self respect. I have always been able to forgive most anything in others but forgiving myself was a great challenge. The trade off is that became a wiser, more compassionate person. I think all in all I'm a better person than I was pre-addiction. Not sure it's the best way to improve one's self but apparently it can. We are but the sum of our experiences and those that touch our lives. I would not be me without this awful experience. Nor would I be me if I hadn't met new friends and developed kinships with others on this Forum. I can find nothing wrong with that.

    Crying, your story does not have an easy solution. I hope that you too will one day be opiate free. Until such time that you are without pain enough to at least curb your use and get it under control, you'll have learned that lesson by the time you are ready to make the next step to sort out how much you take for real pain (which I'm sure you have) and how much you take to hide from life. This takes alot of courage. We oftentimes really don't want to know the answer to that question because if we are being honest and we really do want to be clean then we have to do something about it. I believe you have the desire. Facing the fear is a whole other animal and someday you will be brave enough to sort this all out. Only then will you know when and if you are ready or even able. Sadly, such as is the case with you, opiates make our lives livable. No one deserves to be in endless pain when they don't need to be. In these cases, addiction becomes secondary. Try to stay in as much control as you can. Good practice for you so that when your Day 1 arrives, you'll be ready to face the fear with all your practiced control.

    Peace,

    Cat

  14. #14
    Nomrlys is offline New Member
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    SOOO aggravated right now..Just typed a HUGE reply on here that I put alot of thought into and I either took to long or something happened and it signed me out...

    so pissed

  15. #15
    Nomrlys is offline New Member
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    So,,,What I tried to post earlier was first off a thank you to Cat,,
    Its funny you mentioned going on vacations because last week I was on one and i have been on couple that I would have been better off staying home,,I have a $50.00 a day habbit so I couldnt come up with an extra 350.00 right before I went away so I had to make what I had last or get sick while Im away so it really stressed me out so bad It was impossible to relax and enjoy myself..,Not only did I ruin my time away,,I ruined the people's time that I was with..People that love me and try so hard to make me happy..People that I have been lying to constantly for over a year..Its just not fair to them at all..I really hope someday they can forgive me..I cant wait for the day that I can go away and not bring anything with me except my bathing suit and sandles..
    I also mentioned in my deleted post something about how Jelous I have become of all the normal people I see everyday,,either on the news, or at the mall,,or where-ever..I look at them and wish I could just worry about the normall everyday stuff..my god there is enough things to worry about as an adult as it is..why would I add this horrorshow to my life....But on the other hande the same guy or girl I look at at the mall could be in the same boat as me..Its not like you get a letter jacket when your a drug addict so everyone knows you are..this person could be looking at ME saying,,why cant I just be like him..just worried about the normal,,everyday BS?? little do they know they are looking essentially right into a mirror (if you would)..
    What a horrible problem this is..Im really trying to stay positive and like you said Cat,,I hope this can actually make me a better person in the long run..wich leads me to a question,,,

    Is it weird that I cant remember who I was before I was on drugs? Its like try to think of your life before you had a cellphone..what did you do? how did you survive? thats what Im affraid of..

  16. #16
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Nom,

    My place to people watch was in the grocery store. Much like you, I absolutely couldn't accept that there were so many people going about their lifes without living the chase for pills. It utterly boggled my mind. I had thought that these thoughts were mine alone. But they certainly are not. One more good reason to get clean and stay that way. Right? I so wanted to be one of them.

    Peace,

    Cat

  17. #17
    Katwontlisten is offline Junior Member
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    Yeah after 6 years of addiction I see the cars, boats, jet ski and other 'toys" my well meaning dealers have and I have not.
    If I only knew then what I know now...........

    Kathy

  18. #18
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Nom,

    I failed to answer one of your concerns. You said you couldn't remember who/what you were before joining this chase. Not uncommon, not AT ALL. I abused for 20 yrs. When I was getting clean I made a statement very similar to yours, something like, I don't even know who I am anymore. What happens if I don't like me? The answer, at least for me, is that I suppose I'm not the same person. First, I was using for 20 yrs, that makes me 20 yrs older. So, having said that obviously the physical me has changed, and not for the better . After the detox, after the anxiety, after mourning the absense of opiates in my life I had to reevaluate exactly how I came thru this. ALOT of who I used to be returned but ALOT of what I used to be has changed. I don't think that there's too much that will rob us of our true most basic make-up. LIfe, whatever it does to us, refines us. In our case, life throws bowling balls at us. Then when it's all said and done we have a choice to make. We can take all this experience, the good, the bad, and the ugly and decide what to do with it. Choice 1: become a victim (nah, not me). Choice 2: Take the experience and weed out all the horrendous stuff and store it away, permanently. You now have the kind of compassion and understanding that a non-addict could never have. This is undoubtedly making a new, better you. Finally, forgive yourself and take the tools you learned to get clean and use them for the better. Too corny? Sorry. I'm a do-gooder.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  19. #19
    FreeMe2011 is offline Member
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    Absoutely amazing post. One of the best in my mind and the introspective views Cat are certainly an inspiration to me and really anyone in "the game". There is hardly a minute that goes by that I don't recall my previous life; as a respected athlete, passion for anything outdoors and now all work and kids, wake up and repeat. The pills provided that rush I got back then so I at least understand my addiction but can't figure out how to get out of the rat race enough to get back with the natural endorphines. Don't get me wrong, I have everything.... health (sort of obviously), great family, great job but man that little pill.

    Nom hang in there sweety. The hardest part for me, like Cat and others, is having them. Zero self control, even with the subs (which I've tapered and done as of yesterday and not feeling that bad). Don't know if that is you or not but you are going to have to experience some pain and since you have access seems like maybe one of your greatest challenges. For far too long I figured I could get out of the game without paying the piper. Not sure it is even possible. Now i will say the subs did help with the physical and I had zero craving but I was on them for a year and that is way too long (for me anyway since I don't have access). I got kind of sucked into that habit as well. If you go that route informing yourself is key. Seems way too many docs don't have a whole lot of clue so arming yourself with knowledge is very powerful.

    You have certainly come to the right place. There are so many wonderful people here and such great cumulitative knowledge. learn and be strong. I was in your exact spot almost one year ago. 150-200mg plus a day taken whenever I wanted only to be in full w/d every month till I finally got kicked out of pain clinic. I'm not a bad person, just a functioning addict like you with a desire to get better.

    Best,
    FM11

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