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4th time is a charm?
  1. #1
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    Default 4th time is a charm?

    I really would like to share my story, but before I tell it for the 4th time, I want to make sure this one posts and is not deleted.. Since I am a registered new member, is there anything I should know? Because my thread was posted and then was removed.. I did not say anything wrong and my post was along the lines of others that I saw on here.. I am just upset because I am like a lost puppy trying to get tips and support since I am a spouse that is trying to bring her husband back to himself after a very big Per c addiction and 2 threads that I have posted went straight to mods and the 3rd one was posted, when I went to check it a few hours later, it was gone.. I just need someone to talk to before I truly break down.. I have nobody close that understands..

  2. #2
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Hi QueenG,

    Sorry your posts got snatched. It’s been happening to me to. No one knows why it happens but nevertheless it’s frustrating. I’m so happy you kept at it & finally got ur thread started.

    I saw bits & pieces of your story & sounds like we could be on the same boat. Mine is the Titanic so I’m really hoping I’m wrong when I said that.

    Just wanted to Welcome you & let you know that you found a great place to get it all out. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that your posts start sticking.

    Light & Luv,

    ❤️

    CC

  3. #3
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Anxiety

    Sorry to jump in, but do try again. The moderators do not like illegal drugs mentioned. You can get your story out there alluding to what you are/were taking. You must be able to tell your story honestly for other people to help. Do not give up posting on here. I have been on time outs several times in my three or four years here, but keep popping back up. My motto has always been never quit quitting. I'm the post child for that.

    You can't ask for a person's email or fb, or anything like that. You will get zapped. What you can do is share your story and while it may be slow on the weekend, people will get back with you with their knowledge and concern. There are some great people on here, and their knowledge is invaluable. Keep trying. It will stick. Sometimes if I have a long post, I cut and paste and throw it into one of my word processing programs. If I get pulled on here, I will go back, re-read, pull whatever I think hey may think is offensive and paste it back on here again. This has not happened to me in a long, long time. Got beat down with it I guess. LOL. So many people used to get banned for good. I have not seen that in a very long time. Keep trying. It will be worth it.

    Hope
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  4. #4
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    My story isn't so much about me as much as it is about my fiance. We have been together for nearly 10 years, and we raise two children together. He had a one-year-old daughter when we first met and her mother was not in the picture at all and I was 6 months pregnant when we met so we both parent each other's child. A relationship always has its up and downs so you can imagine how many ups and downs that we have went through over the course of 10 years. Drugs weren't always a part of our relationship. Well I can't really say that, because we have always been a marijuana friendly family. But as far as opiates, that is what ruined us. Close to two years ago, my husband started taking Percocets for pain. They were not prescribed, and like many other stories, we all know how powerful opiates really are. At the time I did not know that he was abusing Percocet because he wasn't in that deep yet. His Percocet experiments started after his baby's mother had a C-section and they prescribed her Percocet which she did not take, so she handed him the prescription. Now that was over 10 years ago and he was able to put them down back then. This time he wasn't so lucky. He could not put them down and it started to consume him. Before I got him out, he was snorting about 220 mg to 250 mg of Perc 30s multiple times a day. In a year, he lost about 150 lb. Things went missing, his checks from work never made it home, he was very irritable and nasty, dipping out, avoiding me and his two kids, I'm just not wanting to be around that all. Last Summer, he decided that it was time to break up. Me having blinders on, I did not notice the drug habit. He led me to believe that he was leaving me because things just weren't working out. I believe that he was going through an early midlife crisis not hooked on Percocet. Once we broke up, I noticed that he was always sniffling he was dipping out even worse and he was way more irritable than he was before he broke up with me. We stayed in the same house, but he did not sleep in our room. He went to work every day and didn't come home until way late at night because he was hanging out with his co-workers that also dabbled in his nose habits.. around August, he wanted to get back together because he missed me. That is when I found out about the Percocet habit and how deep he really was. He tried to snort in front of me because I then knew about it and I was so uncomfortable seeing him like that I just couldn't take it. I told him that he could not stay like this forever, and that he needed to get help because he was so frail he looked like death. And then in October two days after my birthday, things between us got physical. We have never been physical towards each other and the whole time we have ever been together. He was starting to withdraw, and his dealer was not around. He tried to push me down a flight of steps. I will end up pushing him across the room because of how frail he was and I was not trying to fall down the steps in front of my children. I also found out that he owed said drug dealer around $1,000. Since things got physical between us even though it was only him simply pushing me, he finally agreed to start looking for help. The next day we searched facilities that had an open detox bed. My city is full of drugs and there are not enough beds compared to addicts so it is very hard to find help. 4 days later I found the facility that he was able to detox and for 5 days and I have a 21 day rehab stay.

  5. #5
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    Once he was in the rehab, we went through a little struggle because we have never been separated that long and while I understood that it was needed for him to get better, he was getting cold feet and didn't want to go. He had a good paying job that he had lost for having to leave for almost a month. He was worried about what I was going to do for money, with the kids, and how I was going to be able to deal without him being here since I am very anxious I have OCD and depression and he is my safe person. I explained to him that if he didn't get help he might not be here much longer and that wouldn't help me either. I was not trying to make this about me but he was turning cynical. I went through him pushing everything on me then quickly taking it all back and putting himself down, back and forth blame game, long nights of no sleep and all tears.

    While he was in the rehab he wanted to come home every time I got a phone call from him he was stating how it was like jail in there and how people were smuggling in drugs so I couldn't even send him up any other items that he wanted. He told me that there was a man in there that suggested when they both got out, that they would get together and get me to try ecstasy pills with his wife. My fiance felt like the rehab wasn't the best place for him since drugs were still on site from them being smuggled in and such plans were being made when they got out. My fiance however did stay his full term and was released early by 2 days. When he got home, I noticed that he put on some weight and he did not look as pale and gauntly. I understood that it was going to be a hard and long road especially because we could not up and move ourselves out of the environment that he got sick in. We also ran the course of depressing days of him not being able to find a job right away. He decided to not go to therapy or groups, even though I suggested that he should and the therapist inside of the rehab also suggested so. And since he was in detox and suffered from acute withdrawal, I believe he is now suffering from PAWS. The reason I say that is because his Cravings come and go like normal, but a few times he has told me that it felt like he was withdrawing all over again. It also does not help that he is buying Suboxone strips off of the street. He does not take whole strips he only breaks off tiny pieces when it is needed. He says he only takes someone the Cravings are so bad. Well he finally found a job about a month-and-a-half ago. Things seems to be looking up just a little bit. The Depression was still there, but he was happy that he could at least buy some things if needed and buy some things that were wanted. He was still super depressed over not being able to buy my kids anything for Christmas because I had to do it all alone since he was away in lost his job last year. No matter what I say he still feels how he feels no matter how much I explain to him that everyone has setbacks. Sometimes people need help even though they don't want to need help. But now he has a job. Minimum wage and union dues but that is better than nothing. Well about 2 weeks ago, he bought a half a strip of Suboxone. I was not aware that he was buying said Suboxone. He said it was folded and stuck to each other so he could not get it apart to take his peace. He will end up taking the whole half a piece. He is not used to taking that much so therefore it affected him in a way that he was not prepared for. I thought he was on Percocet, I started worrying because his eyes were penned, he was slurring, he was slow and uncoordinated, he burnt his hoodie and a few places with cigarettes from falling asleep. When I finally found out he took a half of a sub, I tried to get him to sleep. I was closely monitoring his breathing because he was breathing funky. he had work the next morning at 7 a.m. So he had to get up at 5 a.m. And I do not get up that early with him. Well, he was sent home from work because he was like that at work. The Suboxone was still that strong that he was doing all of the same things from the previous day. I was so worried because I thought he was going to be fired but they thought he was just really tired. I will still freaking out however because I believed that he might have overdose just on Suboxone because he is not used to using that much and the Suboxone overdose listed a lot of the symptoms that he had. I made him sleep it off that whole day and by the next day he was fine. I tried to explain to him that I rather him not use Suboxone because the rehab did not use Suboxone to treat him while he was there it did not send him home with suboxone, and taking them the wrong way is not helping him either. I understand that I do not know what it is like to have cravings, I understand that I do not know what it is like to be an addict trying to recover. I had told him that I really believe that he needs to go to therapy to talk it out and to see if maybe he can get on antidepressants.. not any benzos, but something like Zoloft. I am on Zoloft, but I am also not trying to push pills on him I am mostly just suggesting therapy. He is so against it however and I really don't know what to do because he is very depressed and the depression is just getting worse. For the past two weeks, he has been so down and making morbid jokes about suicide and death.. saying that he wouldn't be upset if he didn't wake up the next morning. I am trying to be strong for him and myself but I feel like I am totally breaking down. I have reached out to so many groups just to get it all out as a spouse trying to support her addicted husband and I just have no feedback, I have no help, I have no support. It is so hard to find help. It is so hard to talk about this without tearing up. I can't really talk to family because I do not want everyone in my life, I do not need judgment, we are not all angels and we are not All Saints so I do not believe in judging people because it is unfair. I am so grateful for finding this forum and I am really hoping that my things are not deleted again because talking about all this is very hard for me. I am just hoping that maybe my husband will let me read this to him or at least maybe come see with his own eyes because I see the support one here and it is so amazing. I have seen so many of you write to each other the positive words and it is heartwarming because I see that there is truly very good people out there and I have seen that addicts are able to live after their addiction. I really hope that my fiance is able to see the light sooner rather than later because I think he lost all hope. He doesn't even want to get out of bed half of the time, he says he has no motivation to do anything. I really wish that he was on here to see and speak for himself, but I cannot force him. He's going to have to want to do it himself just like the rehab just like getting clean just like staying clean. I just feel lost and I need some encouraging words because my mental has just been through the wringer....
    Catrina likes this.

  6. #6
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome!

    Yes. I wish your significant other would join this Forum too or at least post on your thread right here. He'd get some much needed support. You already know that face-to-face support by going to meetings and/or therapy would help tremendously. Unfortunately, there's not a thing you can do or say that will make him want to do that.

    I have soooo much to say to you! First and foremost, you my Dear are in recovery too. You should find and begin to attend support meetings yourself. You have much to learn that will help you and that's the place where you'll find it. We will give you all the advice we have and it'll be awesome advice too coming from a group of recovering druggies! Doesn't get much better than getting information from the horse's mouth. Aha...another reason you need to find those meetings. You'll be able to talk with others who suffer in exactly the same way as you and learn from them what they do to manage to get through it. In many, many ways it's tougher on the folks who love an addict than it is on the addict. Take that fact to the bank! I'm in recovery and I have an adult son who is an active H addict. Let me tell you that my recovery is a breeze compared to watching my son. My heart bleeds for you. Why is this? Because you have no control None. Zippo. Zilch. The only thing you can do is to educate yourself so that you know how to support and not enable and that is a very fine line.

    Now. The Suboxone. Something sounds off to me the way you described how he responded to taking a half strip. Yes it's powerful. No doubt about it but in all the years I've been a member on this Forum I have never, ever read that someone has reacted that way. AND he shouldn't be dabbling with subs in the first place. They have a very long half life and are very addicting. Is he taking a little sub everyday and how long has he been doing that? If he was completely clean when he came out of rehab, he jumped from the frying pan into the fire by beginning to take subs. They are another opiate and stronger than the percs he was taking in the first place. They are intended to use and taper from to get clean. There are other things that he can take to reduce cravings and to block the effects of opiates that are NOT addicting. That's what he needs to investigate. Not you...him. You can suggest that route but I suspect that he already knows these things exist. He's an addict, after all and we know all about these things. One of the things he might look into is called Vivitrol. Google it and read about it so that you'll understand. Maybe print out that page and suggest that this might help and then let him make the calls. If you make the calls, that's enabling. His fingers can dial a phone as well as your's can and if he wants help, he'll do it.

    This is a horrible situation. Please get yourself some support. If nothing else, you can bounce some of the things he says and does off of someone. I see foot prints on some of the things he has said that are unsettling to me. My BS meter is going off. Sorry. I know that's hard to hear.

    Please keep posting. It's slower around here on the weekends but it'll pick back up tonight or in the morning and there will be others who will stop in with more advice for you.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  7. #7
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Welcome!

    Yes. I wish your significant other would join this Forum too or at least post on your thread right here. He'd get some much needed support. You already know that face-to-face support by going to meetings and/or therapy would help tremendously. Unfortunately, there's not a thing you can do or say that will make him want to do that.

    I have soooo much to say to you! First and foremost, you my Dear are in recovery too. You should find and begin to attend support meetings yourself. You have much to learn that will help you and that's the place where you'll find it. We will give you all the advice we have and it'll be awesome advice too coming from a group of recovering druggies! Doesn't get much better than getting information from the horse's mouth. Aha...another reason you need to find those meetings. You'll be able to talk with others who suffer in exactly the same way as you and learn from them what they do to manage to get through it. In many, many ways it's tougher on the folks who love an addict than it is on the addict. Take that fact to the bank! I'm in recovery and I have an adult son who is an active H addict. Let me tell you that my recovery is a breeze compared to watching my son. My heart bleeds for you. Why is this? Because you have no control None. Zippo. Zilch. The only thing you can do is to educate yourself so that you know how to support and not enable and that is a very fine line.

    Now. The Suboxone. Something sounds off to me the way you described how he responded to taking a half strip. Yes it's powerful. No doubt about it but in all the years I've been a member on this Forum I have never, ever read that someone has reacted that way. AND he shouldn't be dabbling with subs in the first place. They have a very long half life and are very addicting. Is he taking a little sub everyday and how long has he been doing that? If he was completely clean when he came out of rehab, he jumped from the frying pan into the fire by beginning to take subs. They are another opiate and stronger than the percs he was taking in the first place. They are intended to use and taper from to get clean. There are other things that he can take to reduce cravings and to block the effects of opiates that are NOT addicting. That's what he needs to investigate. Not you...him. You can suggest that route but I suspect that he already knows these things exist. He's an addict, after all and we know all about these things. One of the things he might look into is called Vivitrol. Google it and read about it so that you'll understand. Maybe print out that page and suggest that this might help and then let him make the calls. If you make the calls, that's enabling. His fingers can dial a phone as well as your's can and if he wants help, he'll do it.

    This is a horrible situation. Please get yourself some support. If nothing else, you can bounce some of the things he says and does off of someone. I see foot prints on some of the things he has said that are unsettling to me. My BS meter is going off. Sorry. I know that's hard to hear.

    Please keep posting. It's slower around here on the weekends but it'll pick back up tonight or in the morning and there will be others who will stop in with more advice for you.

    Peace,

    Cat


    Hi Cat,

    I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I want to believe him so much. He is about 6 months clean off of Percocets, but as I told him.. you aren't truly clean if you are on Suboxone... This is heartbreaking because I literally cannot do anything but try and be positive.. I cannot do anything besides sit here and worry about what is going through his mind.. since the day of the "potential sub od" he has not looked like that again.. that was I believe 2 weeks ago. I really do not want him on the subixone anymore. I don't know if he has taken any since, and he was not taking it every day. Only when cravings were so bad that he couldn't distract his mind off of them. Now, how frequent that was, I don't know exactly because he tends to be a clam... From what I've read about subixine is that you can't just take it here and there and also, now this is just my POV, but if he has been off of Percocet for 6 months and in my mind, his tolerance would be lowered at the very least, wouldn't too much if a suboxone do that to him? I really do not know much about this stuff.. I know it is long lasting. I know it helps cravings and he says it stablizes his mood.. takes some pain away.. idk.. but when he takes small pieces, I don't see him dip or slur. I am just so unsure. He goes to work, he breaks his back for me and the kids even though we went through all of this and there is. Still a lot of stress going on. I really hope he isn't using again, but I can't fully see him using because he tells me how bad he doesn't want to be on them again.. I also know that addicts can be very manipulative .. I really have no idea what to do. He has been taking melatonin (2mg) at night to sleep and it has been helping. But, he told me last night that it makes his knees hurt and when I asked what he meant, like was it restless legs he said you know what? I think so. So I don't know if he has PAWS or what. I read symptoms.. and as for vivitrol, I looked it up.while he was in rehab and the side effects, the risks of dead areas at injection site, the fact that if you miss a shot, go back to usomg you can die.. I think it scared him away from vivitrol. Also, I could not find a Dr anywhere near us that supplied it. We don't drive so that is also kinda hard.

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I have seen bits of your story and you commenting on other posts as well.
    Catrina likes this.

  8. #8
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Anxiety

    There are so many people om this forum I love and respect. The advice Cat gave/gives you is priceless. She knows her stuff. She has been down the road your husband is on (less the subs) and the road you are (supporting a family member--in her case, her son). It would take you much time to go back and read her thread from beginning, but it's the best read you will have for reference and support.

    I lost a sister 10 years ago to long and over use of percs. One thing I have learned through counseling is that I had no control over that. She was 62 when she died and had been prescribed large amounts of this drug for many years. To be truthful, back then, and me being 14 years younger than her, I didn't really realize she had a "problem." If I even began to bring up anything remotely to her use, I would get shut down. I guess what I am saying, sadly, and I am including myself in this analogy, is that you do not have any control of what he does in taking or not taking Even seeing what I did with my sister, you would have thought I would have known better myself. One too many physical pains and boom, there I was. My adult daughter, who is a teacher, always says "...actions have consequences." She is right.

    I feel for you in that you seem to be in a world that revolves around him. What about you? Life is short and you should have some joy out of it, not just continually being in a situation where it causes you so much stress and sadness. You have said people who use drugs are manipulative. You couldn't be more correct. With that said, maybe it's your turn to be manipulative so it benefits you. I do understand you cannot turn your back on him. However, if nothing else, keep coming here for support. There are so many people who care. Sometimes answers are not speedy, but they do come. Just as with my sister and other people on here, we do not know ALL of what you are dealing with or him for that matter. No one on here pretends to be a counselor or doctor, just people with some experience and a whole lot of heart and caring.

    I am sorry I do not know anything about subs. Even reading every day about them, I am terrible with math, and when people start using the decimal system to cut down on subs, I sadly just kind of zone out. I am thinking most people try to get off those very slowly. A precision of drops are needed, etc. Many will post to you with answers if you have questions and need support. I am with Cat. I wish your husband, himself, would share. I think it would help him a lot. There is so much knowledge and information on here. Really good people..

    I rambled this morning. I hope there is just a tiny piece of my post you can chew on today. Keep writing, whether it's about your significant other, yourself, or both. Life is about people listening to people.

    I know these are only words, and i have no idea what other things come into play in your life. It sounds like you love him. Love yourself too. You count. I am working on that myself. It is hard work.

    Only good thoughts from me to you today,


    Hope

  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnxietyQueenG View Post
    Hi Cat,

    I am stuck between a rock and a hard place because I want to believe him so much. He is about 6 months clean off of Percocets, but as I told him.. you aren't truly clean if you are on Suboxone... This is heartbreaking because I literally cannot do anything but try and be positive.. I cannot do anything besides sit here and worry about what is going through his mind.. since the day of the "potential sub od" he has not looked like that again.. that was I believe 2 weeks ago. I really do not want him on the subixone anymore. I don't know if he has taken any since, and he was not taking it every day. Only when cravings were so bad that he couldn't distract his mind off of them. Now, how frequent that was, I don't know exactly because he tends to be a clam... From what I've read about subixine is that you can't just take it here and there and also, now this is just my POV, but if he has been off of Percocet for 6 months and in my mind, his tolerance would be lowered at the very least, wouldn't too much if a suboxone do that to him? I really do not know much about this stuff.. I know it is long lasting. I know it helps cravings and he says it stablizes his mood.. takes some pain away.. idk.. but when he takes small pieces, I don't see him dip or slur. I am just so unsure. He goes to work, he breaks his back for me and the kids even though we went through all of this and there is. Still a lot of stress going on. I really hope he isn't using again, but I can't fully see him using because he tells me how bad he doesn't want to be on them again.. I also know that addicts can be very manipulative .. I really have no idea what to do. He has been taking melatonin (2mg) at night to sleep and it has been helping. But, he told me last night that it makes his knees hurt and when I asked what he meant, like was it restless legs he said you know what? I think so. So I don't know if he has PAWS or what. I read symptoms.. and as for vivitrol, I looked it up.while he was in rehab and the side effects, the risks of dead areas at injection site, the fact that if you miss a shot, go back to usomg you can die.. I think it scared him away from vivitrol. Also, I could not find a Dr anywhere near us that supplied it. We don't drive so that is also kinda hard.

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I have seen bits of your story and you commenting on other posts as well.
    While his night time symptoms may be PAWS, I doubt it. It's fairly rare. I would tend to believe that because he was using subs as of two weeks ago or perhaps less that any withdrawal symptoms are related to him not taking subs now or not taking them regularly and it's causing withdrawal symptoms. Without knowing exactly what he's up to makes it impossible to even guess what's going on. Restless legs isn't really pain. It's more of an annoying feeling that you can't keep your legs still. Have you ever been on a long car ride or forced to sit in one position and had this overwhelming feeling that if you didn't get up and move you'd go mad? THAT's what RLS feels like but no matter if you move or not you can't get it to subside. The melatonin shouldn't do that at all. Again, I'm more inclined to believe that this is a symptom of the subs.

    I know how hard it is to be consumed with trying to figure out what's going on and how you can help, but there just isn't much, if anything you can do. He's going to be stuck being miserable until he can stay off of all forms of opiates for a bit of time before things will get better physically and mentally. There just isn't any short cut and when we try (like he did/does with the sub) all we manage to do is to delay our healing. As far as the Vivitrol goes, of course there are side effects. Every medication has some but taking percs or subs has it's own set of bad effects so to me, this argument isn't valid but that's me. Kind of like needing a blood thinner because of a bad heart and those have awful risks but if you don't take them, you're probably going to have a stroke. Which one would you choose?

    What I had to do where my son is concerned is to come to terms with the fact that I can't help him. Someone said to me that he's an adult and I have no right to dictate how he lives his life. I only have the right to decide how I allow it to affect me. This just made so much sense to me! From that day I have finally been able to come to terms with his addiction. He owns it, not me. If I allow him to live with me, that's my decision and I have to live with that. None of this is easy for sure. I don't know how you do it, but you have to try to find a way to have a life of your own and not one that your security and happiness is contingent upon how he's doing. This doesn't mean that you can't have a life with him, it just means that you can if you choose to. It doesn't mean you love him less or that he loves you less. The best relationships are those that we're in because we WANT to be not because we HAVE to be. How do you do that? I don't know but it's something to think about.

    Keep posting.

    Peace,

    Cat

  10. #10
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey QueenG. Glad we got this thread to stick. And I'm sorry you had so much trouble. I got about half way through your first thread before it disappeared on me. I'm so glad you didn't get discouraged though. It looks like you've gotten some amazing insight from Cat, hopes, and CC. (Aren't they amazing!!) So I won't really try to beat a dead horse.

    It certainly seems like you've got your hands full. Addicts are some of the greatest liars, manipulators, and decivers on the planet. They will do anything to feed the monster. He has to want to get clean, more than anything in the world!! There is no magic pill, and he will have w/d symptoms. I know you don't really know how much or how often he is taking the suboxone. And like Cat said it will be tough to help him on that front. Subs are a great tool if they are used properly and never on an as needed basis. It's crazy strong and has a very long half life so it stays in your body for a long time, and on top of that it has a stacking effect in the body. I was on a crazy high dose of subs for 5 years (16mg) and I tapered down to 1mg and jumped. But 1 mg is still a hefty dose of subs which I found out when I stumbled here during some crushing w/d. There is a suboxone taper plan which has helped thousands of members get clean. It's in the suboxone treatment sub forum first thread marked "sticky" if he follows that he can get off the subs for good with minimal discomfort.

    Like Cat suggested face to face support would really be beneficial for you. It will give you more tools to deal with what you're going through right now.

    I really hope he chooses to get on here and at least read some of the responses you get here. I know it helped me dramatically to see all the support from these amazing people on here.

    Keep posting and let us know how it's going. We're here to help!!

    Beef

  11. #11
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    I really appreciate everything that has been said to me so far. I think the thing that hurts the most is I know him and I doubt that he is going to get on here and read anything. I don't think he wants to read what I have said either because it's like reliving it all over again and I'm really not trying to rock that boat. He doesn't even know that I posted anything on his behalf I just told him that I was looking for support and reading what people have posted. But he does know that as a forum so I'm guessing he can put two and two together and understand why I posted. At this point, I really just want him off the Suboxone because you guys have pointed out to me that it is just another opiate and I already am want to say if you are on Suboxone then you are not clean. This is affecting more than just him and I tried to tell him this. He claims he understands but I always get told not to worry about him. What is a wife to do? Isn't a wife supposed to worry about house and home? Our burdens as wives is to take care of our family and is he not my family? Well I know I do need to take care of myself as well, and I know that I take care of my children and my husband more than myself, you cannot expect me to not worry about someone that I have spent the last decade of my life with. He just seems not to understand that. I've spent my adulthood so far with him. I met him when I was 17. we both grew together and it's hard seeing him struggle with this and me feeling so helpless that I cannot just take him and his pain away. As of right now, I am unaware if he has had any Suboxone since the last time I know of. I am hoping he has not, but hope hasn't really got me very far lately. I am sorry for sounding so down and depressed. I cannot shake this feeling of dread and it is taking its toll. I usually try to be the most positive. Anxiety tends to make me worry about everything, but I can also see the light. I have not been able to see any lately. As I've said before, I am very grateful for everyone who posts on here whether you are giving advice, going through your own addiction, speaking of your own experiences or just simply stopping by to read this.

    I know my husband is sorry. I know my husband sees that this kills me. I know that he has read my anxiety journal and has seen the things in there that trigger or the reason why I write. I try to tell him that my anxiety is not just solely based off of him because he is not the one to blame for all of it. Of course since he has very deep depression he believes that everything and anything that goes wrong is his fault. I need to get him out of this. I am always reassuring him that he cannot take blame for the weight of the world. As far as face-to-face support groups go for me, it is kind of hard for me to go anywhere because I cannot take my children with me to these groups and having a son with autism, I can't really just leave him with anyone. So that is why I found this place. I know it isn't face to face. This is helping me more than you might realize ❤️❤️❤️
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-09-2018 at 04:40 PM.

  12. #12
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnxietyQueenG View Post
    I really appreciate everything that has been said to me so far. I think the thing that hurts the most is I know him and I doubt that he is going to get on here and read anything. I don't think he wants to read what I have said either because it's like reliving it all over again and I'm really not trying to rock that boat. He doesn't even know that I posted anything on his behalf I just told him that I was looking for support and reading what people have posted. But he does know that as a forum so I'm guessing he can put two and two together and understand why I posted. At this point, I really just want him off the Suboxone because you guys have pointed out to me that it is just another opiate and I already am want to say if you are on Suboxone then you are not clean. This is affecting more than just him and I tried to tell him this. He claims he understands but I always get told not to worry about him. What is a wife to do? Isn't a wife supposed to worry about house and home? Our burdens as wives is to take care of our family and is he not my family? Well I know I do need to take care of myself as well, and I know that I take care of my children and my husband more than myself, you cannot expect me to not worry about someone that I have spent the last decade of my life with. He just seems not to understand that. I've spent my adulthood so far with him. I met him when I was 17. we both grew together and it's hard seeing him struggle with this and me feeling so helpless that I cannot just take him and his pain away. As of right now, I am unaware if he has had any Suboxone since the last time I know of. I am hoping he has not, but hope hasn't really got me very far lately. I am sorry for sounding so down and depressed. I cannot shake this feeling of dread and it is taking its toll. I usually try to be the most positive. Anxiety tends to make me worry about everything, but I can also see the light. I have not been able to see any lately. As I've said before, I am very grateful for everyone who posts on here whether you are giving advice, going through your own addiction, speaking of your own experiences or just simply stopping by to read this.

    I know my husband is sorry. I know my husband sees that this kills me. I know that he has read my anxiety journal and has seen the things in there that trigger or the reason why I write. I try to tell him that my anxiety is not just solely based off of him because he is not the one to blame for all of it. Of course since he has very deep depression he believes that everything and anything that goes wrong is his fault. I need to get him out of this. I am always reassuring him that he cannot take blame for the weight of the world. As far as face-to-face support groups go for me, it is kind of hard for me to go anywhere because I cannot take my children with me to these groups and having a son with autism, I can't really just leave him with anyone. So that is why I found this place. I know it isn't face to face. This is helping me more than you might realize ❤️❤️❤️
    Oh my. I sure hope that you know that we're NOT trying to convince you to leave him or not support him. Nothing is further from the truth. What we try to do here is to share information whether it be tips on how to manage detox symptoms, build our recovery kits and anything else that might help. We're almost all a bunch of druggies and we've been exactly where your love is right now. It's our intent to try to get you to understand what makes us tick. When we say that all addicts are manipulative and liars, it's simply the truth and not a criticism or put down. We all did it. Every single one of us. See. There's not a single person who I've met here (well, maybe one or two ) that aren't fantastic and incredible people. In fact, one of the predominant things we see almost universally is that we are very emotional and care too much and we found that opiates made it easier to deal with things or to ignore them because we find it so difficult to navigate life sober. We know all too well the struggles when we have to face life without the crutch of a pill to make everything better for a little while. In spite of that, the pull of our drug of choice is so strong we HAVE to say or do whatever we have to to feed our addiction. That pill becomes just as important to our survival as breathing. We feel tremendous guilt and hate ourselves every single day that we pick up but still, that pull is so strong that we abandon many of our core beliefs to just survive for today. We are all essentially the same good people we were before we picked up that first time but we got derailed. Those of us who have been able to string any number of clean days together know it's a miracle. So many never can. I can't speak for others, but it was the guilt and self hatred that drove me to any length to achieve sobriety. I knew how much damage I did to my relationships and how much I hurt the ones I love the most but even that kept me deep in addiction for nearly twenty years. Still, it was only when I couldn't live with myself that I got and stayed clean. I wish I could say that I was selfless and did it for my family but I didn't. I did it for me. I have absolutely no doubt that your husband is a good man or you wouldn't love him so much. You don't have to convince us of that. However, addiction is such a dark place that it's almost impossible to see any light. For quite a while after we take that last dose we are so uncomfortable with ourselves and our lives that we're sure there's no way we will be able to adjust. We just want to be "normal". Nothing more. Just to be able to get up in the morning, go to work and be able to hold our heads up without shame or guilt.

    Please, please know that it's not our intention to tear your husband down! We just want so badly for you to be able to understand just a little bit of why he keeps doing what he's doing and that there is NOTHING you can do to help him. It's a dismal situation but it's not hopeless. Yes a family supports and loves each other through the dark and the light. An analogy that I often use for people like you is to remember what a flight attendant instructs before the plane takes off. If the pressure in the cabin falls and you need the oxygen mask, put your's on first so that you can help others. This is the same thing. If you don't help yourself and take care of you, you can't help him. No matter if he gets well or not, you have to get well.

    Peace,

    Cat

  13. #13
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Oh my. I sure hope that you know that we're NOT trying to convince you to leave him or not support him. Nothing is further from the truth. What we try to do here is to share information whether it be tips on how to manage detox symptoms, build our recovery kits and anything else that might help. We're almost all a bunch of druggies and we've been exactly where your love is right now. It's our intent to try to get you to understand what makes us tick. When we say that all addicts are manipulative and liars, it's simply the truth and not a criticism or put down. We all did it. Every single one of us. See. There's not a single person who I've met here (well, maybe one or two ) that aren't fantastic and incredible people. In fact, one of the predominant things we see almost universally is that we are very emotional and care too much and we found that opiates made it easier to deal with things or to ignore them because we find it so difficult to navigate life sober. We know all too well the struggles when we have to face life without the crutch of a pill to make everything better for a little while. In spite of that, the pull of our drug of choice is so strong we HAVE to say or do whatever we have to to feed our addiction. That pill becomes just as important to our survival as breathing. We feel tremendous guilt and hate ourselves every single day that we pick up but still, that pull is so strong that we abandon many of our core beliefs to just survive for today. We are all essentially the same good people we were before we picked up that first time but we got derailed. Those of us who have been able to string any number of clean days together know it's a miracle. So many never can. I can't speak for others, but it was the guilt and self hatred that drove me to any length to achieve sobriety. I knew how much damage I did to my relationships and how much I hurt the ones I love the most but even that kept me deep in addiction for nearly twenty years. Still, it was only when I couldn't live with myself that I got and stayed clean. I wish I could say that I was selfless and did it for my family but I didn't. I did it for me. I have absolutely no doubt that your husband is a good man or you wouldn't love him so much. You don't have to convince us of that. However, addiction is such a dark place that it's almost impossible to see any light. For quite a while after we take that last dose we are so uncomfortable with ourselves and our lives that we're sure there's no way we will be able to adjust. We just want to be "normal". Nothing more. Just to be able to get up in the morning, go to work and be able to hold our heads up without shame or guilt.

    Please, please know that it's not our intention to tear your husband down! We just want so badly for you to be able to understand just a little bit of why he keeps doing what he's doing and that there is NOTHING you can do to help him. It's a dismal situation but it's not hopeless. Yes a family supports and loves each other through the dark and the light. An analogy that I often use for people like you is to remember what a flight attendant instructs before the plane takes off. If the pressure in the cabin falls and you need the oxygen mask, put your's on first so that you can help others. This is the same thing. If you don't help yourself and take care of you, you can't help him. No matter if he gets well or not, you have to get well.

    Peace,

    Cat
    No no no, I was speaking as it was me to him when I said "am I not supposed to etc I wasn't saying you guys were saying that at all Cat, and I am sorry for the confusion. I have said those words to him many times when he had told me not to worry about him.

  14. #14
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    I second exactly what Cat said. After posting, I thought to myself, I hope she knows we are only caring about you. Never ever would want you to think that we are tearing down your husband--EVER. Just wanting to help you so you can help him. I know you are going through so much right now. My thinking on this is that things do not stay bad FOREVER. If you start gathering your emotional tools, and work on things that need fixing, things will get and be better. Family means a lot. This I know, and I can tell by your posts you are caring and sensitive person. There will be brightness again.

    Hope

  15. #15
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    Today wasn't such a good day.. I was very depressed all day and so was my hubby.. He seriously texted me (when he is in the bathroom, **TMI** trying to shhht for the 6th time" saying how sorry he is for being such a failure. How nobody should be proud of him, and if they are then they are full of it.. He is sorry that he isn't the man that I deserve.. He just kept putting himself down over and over. I could not say anything to get him to just stop. Anything I said, he downed and then just didn't reply to what I said, just changed the subject. Later on, I started crying silently. He noticed and bear hugged me. I was just so overwhelmed and a little selfish because I keep my thoughts to myself. With my anxiety, I get thoughts at times where I feel like I don't matter. That I am not appreciated or loved. I feel like I am just a convineience.. Well, when he asked me why I was crying, I told him "I feel like you don't love me*. I then was upset with myself.for saying that to.him because I know he loves me. I was just having a really bad mental day and I try not to speak on my racing thoughts because they are usually way out there.. He said "how could I not love you? You are the only one who cares and that has stayed".. But he is so unsure of my opinions of him.becauae earlier he also asked me if I honestly believed him. I asked believed what? And he asked me if I believed that he wasn't getting high again. He asks this randomly a lot. And Everytime, it upsets me because that just shows me how mentally broken he really is. He is so unsure of himself. I told him that he needs to stop apologizing, now is the time to get better. I really just need a damn drink. But I abstain, because I don't want to drink my sorrows away. I am a social drinker, very rarely do I drink but my mother is borderline alcoholic and I don't want that... I also don't want to use alcohol to numb myself because then that is just doing what he was doing with the percs... Numbing.. I didn't know what to do and he is asleep.so I just came here.. sorry if I confused you.. I'm.sure I bounced around a little and I just can't.. I can't remember read. I feel upset again. I just feel so broken today.

  16. #16
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Queen G-

    Sorry it’s taken me a couple to back over here to your place. You know how the Life as a Real Housewives goes *Ha* never enough time in the day. Plus I’m on my cell & can only type with 1 thumbs.

    I’m in the same boat as you. It’s so surreal to me b/c I feel like you’re writing My Story. I won’t go into details just know I get it b/c I’m fighting that same battle. So with that said, I’m thankful you found this place & made a home. My circumstances don’t allow me to get outside for that face to face contact either so with a little imagination I turned this place into My Own (insert whatever I can create it).

    I promised myself I wouldn’t babbled on & on- b/c I could you know- Just take a peak at my thread & you’ll see. Might be worth the read b/c it will give you a glimpse into the future of how things could turn out. Think of it as one on the chose your own ending books. You think you’re going thru it now imagine what how it will be in another 10yrs if nothing changes.

    My phone is acting janky so I’m hoping this gets posted. Don’t want to chance it so I’m gonna wrap it up. I am so Proud of you for reaching out. Keep reaching & keep educating yourself on addiction. I really can’t add anything that has been said to you already. I do however want to reinforce something that Cat said. Her oxygen mask analoggy will be the key to your success so pin it in your brain. Trust me when I say this b/c I am codependent on an addict & eventually lost myself in my own addiction.

    Keep reading/posting and with time/patience you’ll be able to get an understanding the multifacetes of addiction. Just know that you are not Alone.

    Light & Luv,

    ❤️
    Che

  17. #17
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    So.. I was just told that he was buying 2 subs strips tomorrow.. I stayed quiet for a few minutes then asked if he could try something for me. I told him about the measurement grid I saw people taking about on here. Instead of breaking it in tiny pieces, we can cut it.. definite doses.. He said he's fine with taking it how he was. The only reason last time as so bad was because be took the whole half from it being stuck together.. Then I say how I didn't know a lot of things about subs until I came here and he said I should really stop googling things because it goes from me trying to educate him, to him feeling like a child..

    I already feel really depressed since yesterday and him saying that to me, I just feel like giving up. Not saying anything more about his addiction.. but then I feel like that would be enabling him. Like I don't care..
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  18. #18
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnxietyQueenG View Post
    So.. I was just told that he was buying 2 subs strips tomorrow.. I stayed quiet for a few minutes then asked if he could try something for me. I told him about the measurement grid I saw people taking about on here. Instead of breaking it in tiny pieces, we can cut it.. definite doses.. He said he's fine with taking it how he was. The only reason last time as so bad was because be took the whole half from it being stuck together.. Then I say how I didn't know a lot of things about subs until I came here and he said I should really stop googling things because it goes from me trying to educate him, to him feeling like a child..

    I already feel really depressed since yesterday and him saying that to me, I just feel like giving up. Not saying anything more about his addiction.. but then I feel like that would be enabling him. Like I don't care..
    He knows that you're just trying to be helpful. The problem is that he doesn't want any advice. It's NOT you, he wants to do things his way because he knows what will keep him from being sick and at this point, that's what it's all about. Trust me, he hates this just as much or more than you do but he's not yet at the point that he's willing to feel like poo for as long as it's going to take to get to the other side. I'm sure we've all been through what he's doing until we finally come to terms with the fact that there are no short cuts and no easy way to be clean and feeling well. It's a simple fact that there's always a period of recovery, longer than what it takes to get clean. He's making a mistake using subs the way he's using them and I sure wish he'd do his own reading here. Without his own script to guarantee he's not going to run out and without a plan to taper them, the day very well may arrive when he can't get any and he's going to be really sick. I'm sure right now he intends to only use a small amount, or what he thinks is a small amount, to get him feeling better for a few days. Then he's going to be sick again until he does it again. Talk about a viscous cycle!!! He's just never going to begin to feel well without taking anything until he stops messing around with all of this garbage!! And by the way, even 1mg of sub is a good sized dose. Crazy strong.

    You can't win, can you? Staying quiet isn't enabling him. Doing and figuring things out for him gets really close to the line of enabling. Here's what I think you should do. I think you should tell him that because you don't understand what it's like to struggle with drugs, you read with the hope that you'll better understand everything and that whether he likes it or not, his struggle affects you and has become your struggle too. If you run across something that might be useful to him, you share. Tell him if he takes that the wrong way, well he's wrong and it's entirely up to him to use or forget whatever you share with him. Try not to be emotional. Just the facts, Mam. Be careful not to get into a debate and if it begins to go that way, end it by saying you've said what you needed to say and shut it down. Just be sure he knows that if ever he wants to share (not complain!) or just needs someone to listen, you'll always be there.

    This is so typical. It's not fair that you need to walk on egg shells because you might say the wrong thing. He really does need to be reminded that this isn't any fun for you either.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  19. #19
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Queen G-

    How’s it going? Don’t stop posting....I have a feeling that you’ll benefit from it more than you think.

    ❤️
    Che
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  20. #20
    AnxietyQueenG is offline New Member
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    Hey you guys,

    Sorry I had a rough couple of days. I have anemia so some days, I am really fatigued. Yesterday, I couldn't keep my eyes open during the day and was up a lot during the night.. as far as hubby, idk if he took any of the Suboxone he bought yet, but he has been less depressed sounding. He hasn't made any death jokes. He's been playful. We took the kids to the park Thursday and he was playing around. Idk if anything I said to him clicked or what.. but I am seeing how things will go. Thanks for checking in ❤️

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