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Back Again
  1. #1
    Backnforth is offline Member
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    Default Back Again

    It has been a long time since I’ve been on here. A LONG time. I’ve hit a few speed bumps lately. Self-doubt and questioning whether sobriety is for me. I’m thinking it is not. I need some encouragement. Opiates are my thing but lately it’s all about just not wanting to feel anything and taking anything to do just that - not feel.
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  2. #2
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Backnforth View Post
    It has been a long time since I’ve been on here. A LONG time. I’ve hit a few speed bumps lately. Self-doubt and questioning whether sobriety is for me. I’m thinking it is not. I need some encouragement. Opiates are my thing but lately it’s all about just not wanting to feel anything and taking anything to do just that - not feel.
    I remember You ….Backnforth…..I hope and Pray you figure it out!! Taking anything..... to not want to feel?? There is something going on for you to NOT want to feel! My Hope is......You decide sobriety IS FOR U!! Please continue posting.....What are you currently taking?? Stay Strong Just For TODAY!!
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  3. #3
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Backnforth View Post
    It has been a long time since I’ve been on here. A LONG time. I’ve hit a few speed bumps lately. Self-doubt and questioning whether sobriety is for me. I’m thinking it is not. I need some encouragement. Opiates are my thing but lately it’s all about just not wanting to feel anything and taking anything to do just that - not feel.

    Welcome back to the forum. I'm sorry it's under these circumstances but it is what it is and you are here now! Hopefully we can help and support you thru this?

    I completely understand what you are saying and feeling but I can assure with 100% certainty that opiates are not the answer!

    I checked to see if you had another thread from back in the day but unfortunately you do not. You do however have 478 posts but I'm only able to see the last 22 posts with the most recent one being from 2015!

    Like dave mentioned, let us know what you have been taking, how much per day, and for how long, etc...? Please give us your complete history with opiates as well, the more info the better? I did read in your last post from 2015 and I seen that you were taking subs at that time?

    Update as soon as possible so you can begin to receive help, advice and support! Take care... God bless us all!

  4. #4
    Backnforth is offline Member
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    Hey Dave. I remember you from my numerous dips. So brief stint in October. Now it’s been a week of opiates. Tired of the fight. Tired. I either feel nothing or feel too much. I feel wired way differently than others around me which just makes it harder. I don’t know why as an addict I am so self-loathing. Disgusting.
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  5. #5
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Backnforth View Post
    Hey Dave. I remember you from my numerous dips. So brief stint in October. Now it’s been a week of opiates. Tired of the fight. Tired. I either feel nothing or feel too much. I feel wired way differently than others around me which just makes it harder. I don’t know why as an addict I am so self-loathing. Disgusting.
    Hello and welcome back. You are vulnerable and everyday that you pick up a pill you will become more vulnerable still. I figured out at some point that one of the many reasons I hated my addict self was that my addiction showed me that there is something that I absolutely could NOT control. OH I loved that it numbed all of live's hardships. That made it easy. But what I had to go through to keep my supply! It became my number one priority above all else. I'd have to take care of having "enough". Then, and only then, could I tend to my real priorities. I found this quite disgusting but did it anyway. That is until I decided that I would no longer allow this to control my entire life.

    I don't for a minute mean that from that moment on I never looked back,and I never craved a little numbing from life--God I deserved it, right? The good news is that I know for me that those moments eventually came a lot less frequently and slowly were a lot easier to resist, becoming almost a fleeting thought. Not to say that to this day those thoughts don't poke into my head now and again.

    Pour your thoughts out here. Let's work on getting yourself out of this thing before it really gets too late. I'll watch for you.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  6. #6
    Backnforth is offline Member
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    Hey Cat. I feel shame being back. I feel defeated and tired. Been a rough day. Gotta decide whether I’m going to re-up tomorrow or try to stop tomorrow. I’m so torn. I’m tired really tired and my head is all over the place. I hate how this disappoints a friend I confide in. Destroys her every time and she doesn’t deserve it. I hate the way it makes other people feel so scared and disappointed when it makes me feel so normal. If it wasn’t for all of the >>>> my taking pills put others thru there wouldn’t even be a decision to make. I’m just feeling all over the place i hope this all makes sense.
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  7. #7
    Day2_Nightmare is offline Senior Member
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    Man Backnforth... I can relate. I feel everything you feel... we all do. It stinks! I have gone thru so many feelings and emotions over the last month and a half. I get it better than you can imagine. I am you. I do know that your mind has to be in the right place to quit. In my opinion you have to be ready to jump. You have to make sure you have the time to go thru the first 3-5 days. I know for me my mind took me to crazy places before I jumped... and after. The great thing... It is temporary... even though while your going through it you feel like it'll never end. I wish you well.. we all deserve to be free.
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  8. #8
    Backnforth is offline Member
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    Does anyone know how to read older posts that you made? I would like to read what I posted in 2015, hoping it will give me perspective.

  9. #9
    Backnforth is offline Member
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    Yep. That is the whole delimma, isn’t it? When to jump?those 3-5 days put you in a very vulnerable spot. I am hugely uncomfortable with that spot in a lot of different ways. I’m stuck right now thinking I’ve been doing this off and on for 4 years or so. The back and forth of it all. The disappointments, feeling sick, lying,moodiness, etc. 4 years is a long time to fight just to be where I’m at right now. Seems so pointless. The head games of thinking I can control it but then an hour after taking a pill, I’m. Ow looking at my watch and tracking time for the hour window to take another one or two. That moment when you take too much and you start feeling very weird and freakin yourself out a bit and start bartering with the unknown “if you get me thru this time, I’ll give it up”. Then you fall asleep and wake up later just to see if it has been atleast 3 hours. What a cycle
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  10. #10
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Backnforth View Post
    Does anyone know how to read older posts that you made? I would like to read what I posted in 2015, hoping it will give me perspective.

    Click on the following link to access your "about me" page -
    https://forum.drugs.com/members/backnforth-980912.html

    Make sure you are logged out of drugs.com to view the page! On your "about me" profile page click on "Find latest posts"?

  11. #11
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Backnforth View Post
    Yep. That is the whole delimma, isn’t it? When to jump?those 3-5 days put you in a very vulnerable spot. I am hugely uncomfortable with that spot in a lot of different ways. I’m stuck right now thinking I’ve been doing this off and on for 4 years or so. The back and forth of it all. The disappointments, feeling sick, lying,moodiness, etc. 4 years is a long time to fight just to be where I’m at right now. Seems so pointless. The head games of thinking I can control it but then an hour after taking a pill, I’m. Ow looking at my watch and tracking time for the hour window to take another one or two. That moment when you take too much and you start feeling very weird and freakin yourself out a bit and start bartering with the unknown “if you get me thru this time, I’ll give it up”. Then you fall asleep and wake up later just to see if it has been atleast 3 hours. What a cycle
    Yeppers. We all understand. You, my friend are not unique. How about you begin to imagine that tomorrow you can get up, get out of the house, do whatever you want and NOT need a pill? How about imagining that vacation that won't become terrorizing worrying about having enough to last you? You can say goodbye to all of that and that right there alone is worth it. Freedom.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  12. #12
    Backnforth is offline Member
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    Well I quit again and then went back. My times in between falling are happening close together. Not sure of the triggerthis time. Just know that I am way low. Doesn’t make sense that I can be so low when I’m taking my pills. You’d think I’d be happy and care free. Doesn’t work that way does it. I see my primary care physician for my antidepressant. I’m thinking about seeing a psychiatrist. I currently take 150mg of Zoloft. Been on this med for a long time. I need a change I think. anyone have any suggestions for switching antidepressants? I have gone without the Zoloft before and it made me sick.
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  13. #13
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    This is such a difficult time. I totally get it. I went through withdrawals several times.... & kept going back. Until I finally got off... now I only take an opioid about twice a month during a bad pain day. I’ve the way to control the pills instead of them controlling me. It’s still not my favorite way but so far it’s doable.

    I also take Lexapro every night 20 mg. I was on the Zoloft for years but now I’m on the lexapro & have been for about 2 years. I love it. It helps with depression & anxiety. It’s the best one I’ve ever taken.
    Maybe look at some info about it & ask your doctor.

    Don’t give up! It can be a lot of trial & error.. it’s ok you’re heading the right way. You have to want off the opioids for yourself though. Not for others... that’s the only way it can stick. Think about that. YOU CAN DO IT!

  14. #14
    Backnforth is offline Member
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    Thank you for the suggestion of Lexapro. I have actually heard good thing about it. Do you have a psychiatrist or do you just see your physician. Any ill effects going from one to another? I hear what you are saying about wanting it for myself. It is pretty sad that every time I’ve cleaned up has been because of other people. That is what motivated me. Unfortunately those relationships have changed for numerous reasons and with that my dedication to stay clean is just not there. I have been trying to find that motivation - anything that I can feel happy about. . I’ve recently started cutting. That is something I thought I would never do. I just feel so numb and unmotivated. I like feeling the pain as weird as that sounds. And really if I really think about it I don’t really feel when I cut as much as I think I should. I’ve been on and off of this site and the cutting is something I never thought I’d do. Makes me feel even worse and less motivated. Just one big cycle. I don’t know how you can stick with just taking 2 a month of the opioids. How do you have the will power!?

  15. #15
    Day2_Nightmare is offline Senior Member
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    Hey there BacknForth - I can hear the internal struggle in your words. It is a tough position to be in. I question if this whole sobriety thing is worth it. Honestly, it is. What is cutting? I do not know what that means. I hope that you can feel some warmth and happiness in your life today. Hang in there... we are all in this together. The struggle is real.

    D2N

  16. #16
    Melinda-1 is offline New Member
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    Need help making a new thread! I forgot how!!! It needs to be called Andrews story!

  17. #17
    Day2_Nightmare is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melinda-1 View Post
    Need help making a new thread! I forgot how!!! It needs to be called Andrews story!
    click on the link below:

    https://forum.drugs.com/need-talk/

    There is a blue button in the upper left-hand corner that says "post new thread" ... Click on that... and you're in business. Good luck

  18. #18
    Backnforth is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Day2_Nightmare View Post
    Hey there BacknForth - I can hear the internal struggle in your words. It is a tough position to be in. I question if this whole sobriety thing is worth it. Honestly, it is. What is cutting? I do not know what that means. I hope that you can feel some warmth and happiness in your life today. Hang in there... we are all in this together. The struggle is real.

    D2N
    Thank you for your encouragement! Today was a little better. It’s embarrassing to talk about cutting. I feel better when I purposely hurt myself because I can actually see why I’m in pain. It sort of gives me a little high too- like a release. This isn’t something I am doing every day or even every other day.

  19. #19
    Day2_Nightmare is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Backnforth View Post
    Thank you for your encouragement! Today was a little better. It’s embarrassing to talk about cutting. I feel better when I purposely hurt myself because I can actually see why I’m in pain. It sort of gives me a little high too- like a release. This isn’t something I am doing every day or even every other day.
    I am happy to hear that you had a better day. I know that those are tough to come by from some of us. But they are there. The nice thing about this forum is that we can all be honest without fear of judgment. We can also get some real and sound advice from others who have walked in our shoes. I am not familiar with cutting however it sounds as if this is something that requires a level of advice that I cannot provide. I can say this... I want us all to get better. To have this dark experience in our rearview mirror. The path we travel to put it there is different for all of us. I sincerely hope that you reach out to someone who knows more about what you are going thru. We all need help... As far as the advice that I can give... I am happy to share that with you. And I hope that you can share your advice and encouragement with me.

    D2

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