Page 1 of 65 1231151 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 1942
Like Tree1734Likes
Catrina's Journey
  1. #1
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default Catrina's Journey

    I'm on Day 14 and pretty damn proud of myself. Hopefully, some of you have followed my progress by my intruding onto others' threads and thanks to doc realized I really did need my own thread...so here it is. Thanks doc for the good advice. I get frustrated myself trying to follow others and flit all over the place for updates. Hopefully this will work better, and hopefully, I've made enough new friends that they will visit me here to check up on me and to give me their own good news.

    Cheeky, Pandora, Tired, Doc, Ruth....stop in and say hi. I love this forum!

    Cat

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    111

    Default

    Cat, what a courageous individual you are...14 days is so incredibly amazing, I am so proud of you. I have to say that when you posted me, you made me smile when you described yourself as a "gobbler," I can tell you have a great sense of humor which is refreshing considering what you are coping with.

    A couple of times, I did make feeble attampts at quitting cold turkey. Were they serious attempts - no, probably not, but I just don't think I'm strong enough. I'm envious of those who have the strength and 14 days is signficant so keep up the good work. I am however, going to take your advice and start my taper before my week away in March. No sense in postponing the inevitable.

    By the way, I too was having problems trying to follow different people's threads, so instead of that frustration, I made a folder in my favorites and just book marked each thread into that folder - seems to be working....talk to you soon and take good care, your doing excellent!!!

  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Hey Girl,

    Getting ready for bed but not quite tired yet. So, here I am...again. Thanks for visiting my thread. Not a busy place. I should have given a bit of background so that those who don't know me get some of my background. I'll do that now and hope that it will provide at least some info for those for might find it useful. So...here goes.

    I began taking opiates, vics and percs for 3 crushed discs in my back about 15 yrs ago. I was working in an executive position for a large medical practice and got myself in trouble so was forced into cold turkey. It was quite a humiliating experience and one that non-addicts would automatically believe would "cure" me for sure. NOT. Fifteen months later, and off of probation I figured I could indulge a little. NOT. Another five years of daily use and escalating like crazy. The oxys were getting expensive so a "friend" introduced me to these little blue bags of powder that I was told was crushed pills and that they needed to be snorted. Best part, they were alot less expensive. It wasn't until too late that I figured out it was >>>>>> and that I was on a roll. I snorted sometimes over 10 of those packets a day. It was no longer a secret to my family and I promised over and over again I'd get myself clean. I could do it. I couldn't. I went to the wonderful world of the web and found my answer. Rapid Detox! My savior. I called immediately and spoke with a nurse. Next, I called my sister and asked for her help. Three days later I was on a plane to get clean. Another 3 days and $10,000 later... It worked! No withdrawals and I felt absolutely wonderful. My family was estatic. Life was good.

    Eight months later I was back at it. No >>>>>> this time. Started with Tylenol 3, then percs and finally back to oxys. Going strong for the past 3 years. Back to the wonderful world of the web and I found this forum. Every night for weeks I'd come and read everyone's posts and I started to believe I could do this too. First, I had to have a plan. I made an appointment with my doc and told him everything. I had to cut out that source. He is quite conservative and wanted to refer me to detox/rehab or at the very least to a sub specialist. Thanks but no thanks. I was going to do it this time my way. I asked him for a month's supply of Tylenol 3 to wean. He reluctantly complied. I promptly gobbled them up in 11 days and it was time to do it.

    On Day 5 and feeling better I finally wrote my first post here and in 36 minutes I will be 15 days clean!

    We fall, we get up. I never needed support. It is a matter of mind over matter and determination. NOT again. I have found the courage and support here that I've been missing. My new friends here allow me to be honest with them and with myself and no one passes judgement. Only encouragement and advice and I so appreciate it.

    I'm sorry for all of you who already know my long boring story. I promise from now on I will only post my updates here and reply to others on their thread. Thank you Doc for pointing out how confusing intruding on others' threads can be. I also found that out the hard way. I will try to be good. Doc--you are so brilliant at managing this site. You need to figure out how to organize all these posts so that they are easier to follow. LOL LOL!

    Good night all my friends and welcome to all newcomers. I know we will be friends soon too.

    Cat

  4. #4
    doc.rose is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    California
    Posts
    963

    Default

    Hi Catrina! So glad you started your own thread!! It makes things a little easier for everyone, even you!

    Believe me, people will post on your thread. Sometimes on the weekend, it is a little slow around here. I've noticed that Monday-Friday is more busy than the weekend.
    I think you are doing such an amazing job! 14 days is inspiring! And I love it when people like you, who originally came here for support, start supporting others in their journey to sobriety. Very brave of you if you ask me! So I am glad you stuck around. We need positive people like you, who will be part of this great team we have here at DDC. Thanks for all you do. Take care!
    User88 and Futurelooksbright like this.

  5. #5
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,603

    Default

    Dear Catrina,

    I do appreciate your own thread, too - I've read bits and pieces of your story in other threads, and you touched me as someone I'd like to get to know better... and hopefully, help along this journey. You have gained a good deal of wisdom over your years of struggling, so you aren't exactly starting at ground zero. Now it is just a matter of following through with what you know in your head you need to do. That's the tough part!

    I'm wondering, as you didn't mention it, if you are attending meetings? I struggled in and out of recovery for years - and it wasn't until I got serious about my 12-step meetings that I began to turn the corner.

    A few things "dawned" on me during the time of my last relapse, in 2003 - maybe it may help you. First off, I came to realize that denial is not something we just get past.... it's an ongoing struggle to fight denial. It isn't an "all or nothing" thing for us. The mistake I made was that, although I KNEW I was addict - I thought that maybe, just possibly, there may still be a little pleasure left in a pill. I knew I couldn't control it long - but I thought I could control it on the short-term. HA. There "ain't no" short-term pleasure in a pill for this addict! One pill, and my brain is hijacked into addiction, clear and simple.

    Second, I came to realize that all the intellectual recovery in the world wasn't going to help me until I put my inside knowledge into concrete action. I thought I knew enough to stay sober. I could spout all the AA/NA jargon ... but do it? That's where I tripped up. So it wasn't my THINKING that could keep me clean and sober - it was my ACTIONS.

    Recovery is an action thing. We can't think ourselves clean and sober. We are thinking with an addict's brain, after all! I had to get up off my >>>> and get to daily meetings - I had to put my hand up in those meetings and share what was going on with me - I had to step up and ask another recovering addict to be my sponsor - I had to follow through with that sponsor and call her daily. I had to actively DO the 12 steps - and not just read them. I had to pursue outside counseling weekly - and open up and tell who I truly am. Then I had to heed the suggestions that others (who had succeeded) gave me. Basically, I had to get outside my "comfort zone" and do the things that were suggested - only then could I stay clean. All the thinking or reading in the world wasn't going to cut if for me in the long run.

    I don't know if you can relate - or if any of this applies to you. I just wanted to pass on some of what I learned that helped me. I see that you do know addiction and codependency quite well... so I thought maybe what tripped me up may be doing the same to you. ;]

    God bless, Catrina - you have so much to offer, that's clear. Hey, we need you here!! You are helping the rest of us to stay clean, just as you are helping yourself... amazing how that works...

    Hugs,
    Ruth

    luvy298 and Catherine120813 like this.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    282

    Default

    hey cat good job. 15 days and you sound great. i wish i could sound great. still having a hard time mentally but i'll get through it. this weekend was tough. the first weekend without any pills well actually the second but the first i was dope sick. this weekend was difficult but i know it will get easier as i go along.

    After what you have been through 15 days is great and keep it up. Life is so much better.

  7. #7
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Good Morning,

    Doc..thanks for the post always good to hear from you.
    Tired, Hang in. Hard, I know and every day is a bit different.

    Rose--Sigh. My mirror. And, of course, you are right. Yesterday was a melancholy day for me and so far today promises about the same. While about a week ago with most if not all of my physical ugliness gone it only took a day or two of celebration before the mental stuff started to work on me. It confused me for a bit (several days) but I put one foot ahead of the other and walked thru it. Then yesterday...boom! I started to look at my life and started to see some of the things I was hiding from. Not pretty. I am disgusted, angry, and sad. I just have to find the "old" me. She's gotta be here somewhere, right? I came to the realization that I've managed to lose 15 years! I'm 15 yrs older and I was bound to have some changes anyway, but my addiction has robbed me and I'm mad!

    Over the Christmas holidays after a family get-together, I was visiting with my sister and brother-in-law. Very innocently he commented that my daughter is quick witted and has such a good sense of humor...just like I used to be. That stung. I was bewildered and did ask him to confirm that it wasn't so anymore. He just said, "no". I think that this was the turning point for me and when I decided I was going to do something. My brain fog mind cleared long enough to face the fact. We all know what we cling to, "we're only hurting ourselves, leave me alone!". So, if we dare to believe that even if there's is one single person who loves us then this theory of only hurting ourselves is simply not true. Why? Because I took myself away from them and how would I like it if one of those I loved took themselves away from me. It would hurt, unimaginably. How selfish we are! This, too, is a recovery in process I guess.

    Sorry for the melodrama and extra long post. Often times it makes me think things through and I get thoughts I didnt know were there. I'm a work in progress! LOL (that really isn't an out loud laugh, maybe just a small smile).

    Ruth, I know your are right. I know you are right. I need to attend meetings and I promise I will get there. I am still struggling with the "no one can help me but myself, and I'm strong enough to do this on my own". I know that's an addict's thoughts. I recogize it but am still coming to terms with it. I will promise you to keep myself clean for today. I will promise to find a meeting schedule today. I promise to continue to sort through this and try to get myself to a meeting. I promise, Ruth. You did it and so can I.

    Well. That's quite a litany! Sorry. I'll be back later. Will be working for most of the day, but I'll check in on everyone later.

    Love,

    Cat
    CALEE 1205 likes this.

  8. #8
    Melissa B is offline Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    San Francisco Bay Area
    Posts
    497

    Default

    Hello Cat,

    Sorry for not stopping in sooner, but I get lost reading posts sometimes that hours go by and I haven't said a word to anyone. I have found that by actually responding to people I feel even better then just reading. So anyways, I just want to say good going girl......15 days is so fabulous!!!!! You are another success story in the making...hooray for you. I'll be checking in on you as well. I don't always put my 2 cents worth in, but I'll be here for ya. Good for you.
    Peace Sista,
    Melissa
    Melissa

  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Hi Melissa,

    Good to hear from you. I'm inbetween appts with clients right now and checking on my life line here. I spent alot of time in the car this morning alone and my thinking turned into inner reflection. The sadness I mentioned earlier, well that's gone for now. I'm pissed! All that stuff I pushed some place for so long is coming at me fast and furious and right now I'm ready to spring into action. I'm tired of being a victim and I'm gonna do something about it. I seriously need professional help and I'm on it tomorrow!

    Hey, I haven't been angry in years. Do you think this pissed off thing is good for manufacturing endorphins?

    Back at you all later.

    Cat
    CALEE 1205 likes this.

  10. #10
    Melissa B is offline Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    San Francisco Bay Area
    Posts
    497

    Default

    Absolutely I do........it lets you know that your still alive damn it. I have a sneaking suspicion that we are supposed to feel the "bad emotions"......or how else would we know when we feel the good ones. Feel it girly, feel it! I know it stinks. UGH. Keep you chin up.

    Check ya after intervention is over.
    Later
    Melissa
    Melissa

  11. #11
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Hi All,

    OK I'm back and driving is not the only place to think apparently. Spent 20 minutes in the shower and was remembering some stuff I want to share.

    First, that professional help I mentioned before. I'm just recalling I did that a couple of times before, once pre-addiction and one during a clean spell. The first was only OK and not helpful at all. The second was a disaster! I'm a horrible patient. In both instances, by the end of the second session I undoubtedly knew more about the therapist and their families then they could even guess about my eye color! That's the truth. I knew their families, how many kids, their names, ages, etc. etc. The second therapist even shared her daughters horrible relationship with me. Now I am really laughing out loud!

    Secondly. I also remembered that I used to give the best advice around and one of my gems was something I practiced all the time and truly I'd forgotten about it. OK. Here it is. When I have a problem/issue, I pretend that my best friend is telling me this story and I think about the advice I'm going to give her. Then, I take it myself. It served me well for years. Funny, I'd forgotten about that.

    Thanks All.

    Cat

  12. #12
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    hi cat.
    breifly before i go to work, you are doin a great job. good on ya.
    i know weve talked for a bit on our other thread, (secret location lol) but wanted to say hi again here.
    im havin one of those blah days, sucks dont it.

    yeh, maybe im due for a big burst of anger, im sure sick of waking up depressed anxious and feelin like cr ap. which i did today.
    an overwhelming feeling of doom i call it. you can actually feel it.
    yeh those feeling are coming back full tit and im not sure i like them. we aint too good at emotions eh.

    hope your day went well. take it easy
    cheeky

  13. #13
    just_a_mom is offline Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    162

    Default

    Cat,

    I finally got around to reading your thread. I used to post quite a bit at the end of the year - I lurked around then started to post in early November when I was clean (finding out I was pregnant - a HUGE surprise - was THE motivating factor in getting clean ASAP). I had my baby in early January and disappeared into a fog of midnight feedings. So, there are quite a few new people around since I was here last...

    Anyway... I too am struggling with the do-it-by-myself thing. No one knows of my addiction. No one. Too stubborn? too embarrassed? I just can't quite tell anyone besides this forum. Sigh.

    Your comment about your brother missing the "old" you hit me hard. I know that when I am gobbling pills or dealing with coming off gobbling pills that I am not the person I used to be. I hide myself away, becoming really antisocial. Who wants a wife/mom/sister/friend like that? I accomplished so much in my life BEFORE pills - it kills me that my now-addict brain tries to hijack my belief in myself and my abilities sans pills. Stupid addiction.

    just a mom

  14. #14
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Melissa, I'm calmer now LOL. Maybe I'm just bi-polar (just kidding) I have an entire attache of mental issues and hopefully that's not among them. Thanks for the cheer.

    Cheeky, I had one of my best days so far. I'm sorry it's waning. There's always tomorrow, right my friend?

    I'll be back later, count on it.

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-01-2010 at 01:02 AM.

  15. #15
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Ruth,

    I am sooo sorry. I was laying in bed trying to empty my head and I popped up for some reason realizing that I called you Rose in my earlier post today. Please forgive the slip.

    Goodnight all. (I hate nights)

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-31-2010 at 08:37 PM. Reason: typo

  16. #16
    Melissa B is offline Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    San Francisco Bay Area
    Posts
    497

    Default

    Yeah Cat we wouldn't want to be drug addicts and Bi-polar.....that would totally suck eh? One problem at a time I always say. I'm pretty sure that all my depression has been a direct result of my drug abuse......as I can remember being fairly happy prior to taking my first drug. I used to be funny, smart, and just fun to hang out with....so my friends say. I am starting to remember those times again, really feeling it. It's funny how we forget about everything while were using, we hide our thoughts deep in the back of our minds. It would take a small army to penetrate that wall that we build. We are lucky if we even find our way back....so many don't!!! With that said, you are doing awesome girl! Keep up the good fight. Every time you wake up in the morning, a new day begins. Keep that in the back of your mind. Have a good one Cat.

    Later
    Melissa
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-31-2010 at 08:58 PM.
    Melissa

  17. #17
    pandora78 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Western Canada
    Posts
    75

    Default

    Hi Cat,

    Just checking in before trying to get some sleep, as you know how hard it is for me to come by sleep, even still, even on day 17. It's really been that long for us, hey? Reading the others' posts. Nice group of people you've met in your travels (or explorings hehehe) in these forums! I was thinking about 2 things, well 3 really, that I hope to reply to and make it short, as you know I tend to run on. 1st is the quote "I am still struggling with the "no one can help me but myself, and I'm strong enough to do this on my own". 2nd is the post from just_a_mom... and 3rd is the anger/depression.

    Ok, so the first one. I think that struck me deepest as I have not even considered going to an NA meeting. This will make a great seg we into the 2nd bit from just_a_mom, as well. I have lived my life this far learning that the only person I can count on, is myself. In thinking about that, I came to this forum for advice, support, etc. This has been my NA, even though I am not going through a formal 12 step program. Perhaps this will be my downfall, I don't know. I do know that this forum, my thread, others' threads... have been a HUGE support network and lifeline (as you put it) for me. I am afraid to go to an NA meeting. I live in a small community in comparison to a metropolitan area, as well, I work in a fairly public sector, as you know. I don't want people knowing me, no matter how anonymous it is. I have got this far by myself and I am doing well and I don't know if an NA is something I can do. I give you props if you do it and given our similarities, I would be happy to hear of your experiences, Cat.

    2nd... just_a_mom... I hear you in the nobody knowing part. Truly, nobody knew except my ex-boyfriend and one friend who doesn't even live in my city. Everyone else figures I am supermom, super career woman, super single woman... nobody could understand how I did everything I did. It was this forum that allowed me to be honest with everything I was going through, even though I came here when I was quitting. I cannot BEGIN to explain the feelings of relief at just being able to be honest about my addiction. This has been my lifeline and I have great respect for this forum. The members are great, supportive, non-judgmental yet honest and real honest to god people.

    The anger/depression... I am not sure it is exactly the same but going through quitting, I know that I have been feeling a lot of anger, doom and gloom as I like to call it, depression. Physical clouds/waves of it overtake me. I really don't have interest in anything and I wonder if I was always like this? I don't want to dwell too much but I have been thinking about this (you will know in what I wrote on my thread, Cat). In as concise detail I can put it, I think this anger/depression roots from our bodies reliance on opiates to provide with our "good" feelings. We have been reliant on a substance to provide us with our happiness and we are now currently quitting, whether we are in the state of tapering or actually cold turkey quitting or whatnot. Our previous addiction has truly created a state of chemical imbalance, whether it is dopamine or serotonin release we have been impeding. Now our bodies are trying to return to a "normal" state and our happy feelings which rely on dopamine or serotonin, are still out of whack. Enter part of the Thomas Recipe. L-Tyrosine. I have taken it along with ginseng the past couple days as I have been feeling extremely blue... almost black lol. The past couple days I have included this, I have felt motivated, not so flatline, a little more interested in day-to-day living, less frustrated, more involved. This is just my experience and clearly I am not a doctor but it's just something worthwhile to note.

    Ok, so that's my soapbox. I apologize if I went on too long, I know I do. I have so much to say and so little time to say it so I try to fit it all in. Nice to read everyone's contributions. All of you are wonderful, great people and I am glad to have met you by your postings. I hope to be back this week on a quasi-regular basis and will continue to check this thread.

    Cat, you KNOW I'm cheering you on. Every day I think of you, even if I hadn't posted.

  18. #18
    no_more_tram is offline Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    233

    Default

    Welcome Cat and Congrats. Glad to hear you are doing so well, keep it up! I am approaching Day 13 sober. If you look at any of my posts you can see what kind of rollercoaster I've been on, and it hasn't been fun.

    I haven't followed any of your posts, so I am not sure of much about you. What was your DOC?? I will have to take a look at your postings! Take care.
    "If I NEVER use again, I will NEVER have to feel this way"

  19. #19
    newyorkgal is offline Advanced Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    1,687

    Default

    It's the middle of the night, almost morning, and I just finally got to read your thread, Catrina, and I think you're doing wonderfully. You are so full of insight. That's a good thing. Keep it up.
    Tram and Pandora, you both are really doing great also. Keep up the good work!

  20. #20
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Pandora,

    Never ever apologize for the long posts. At least for me, they give me a boost and we do indeed have alot of similarities. I had a horrible night. Some discomfort in my legs for some reason, not full blown rls, just crampy I guess and robbing me of what little sleep I'm able to rob. I fell asleep around 11..amazing, right? Well, up I came at 1:10 and then slept fitfully until I gave in and watched a movie at 3:45. The movie is over and I'm telling you I was not in a good state of mind. It's a little better after coming to my thread but I have to tell you for the first time in 15 days I was laying in bed fighting myself from wondering how early I could get something somewhere to just make it go away for awhile. I know, not healthy thoughts! I'm a little better now but suffice it to say I'm not making any promises at this point. We'll see what the day brings.

    I tried Gingsing for the first time yesterday. I got sick. I can't be sure that was what caused it so I'm going to try again today to see what happens. The other L-Tyrosine I'll try to find today and try that too. Funny, isn't it? After so many years of being willing to put just about anything into our bodies, we continue to do just that. Someone suggests it and I'm game. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't even for a second doubt advice given to me on this forum this is just a thought. If someone told me to mix pepper and onions and it would increase the chemicals in my brain (and I absolutely hate onions) I'd do it!

    Pandora, keep up the good work. I'm exactly like you, maybe we all are, I've been on my own my entire life--literally. I was the middle child of 7 with an alcoholic father and a mother who was just plain tired. I, in fact, can only remember taking care of her. By 13, I was truly on my own and the rest is history. I guess my lesson was learned well at a young age. Count on yourself, honey, or it ain't getting done! I'll work on that cause it doesn't have to be that way. Or so I'm learning. Hmmmmm Have a clean day, my friend and talk to me soon.

    Tram, my DOC was opiates, any kind, anytime, anywhere, any amount. My long boring story is toward the beginning of my thread. I will visit you on yours. I've been there and know your story. I'm not sure I posted there but I read everyones' threads everyday, more than once. It keeps me from thoughts I shouldn't be having!

    I'll post more later..I know, I know, this surprises all because I so rarely post and when I do it's ALWAYS only a few sparing words!

    Later,

    Cat
    blondie50ish likes this.

  21. #21
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Ok, so it didn't take long before I thought of something else. I do talk this much in person too, by the way!

    I'm catching up on reading everyones' posts on my thread as well as ALL the others. I briefly noted when I first came here but it struck me this morning that the individuals who post here are literate, intelligent and addicts. Hmmmm something more to think about and I'm sure I will. After I have it all figured out, I'll be back and let you know the correlation. Ruth--I'm sure this is no eye-opener for you I'm just saying....

    Peace,

    Cat
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  22. #22
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    I'm back. What a shock. My mind has been racing for at least a couple of days and I didn't know what I was searching for. I think I found it! I first posted here for support and education. By the time I joined the forum I was 5 days clean and today is Day 16 (I think).

    My life has been largely left unattended for the better part of 15 years thru my addiction. As one might imagine, anything left unattended for that long would be a huge mess. So, why does it come as such a surprise to me that my life is such a mess. It was a mess 15 years ago and I guess I decided then to obliterate it. I did and now I find the mess waiting for me only worse. My brain figured out what I've been searching for. I have alot of triggers but only one that is troublesome, even quite dangerous and of course it has to be a relationship. Right? UGH UGH UGH. WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO. For those of you who remember classic rock, or those of you who simply appreciate it, "Her eyes are clear and bright, but she's not there!". That is me. Yup. That's me.

    Someone--get the industrial sized vacuum cleaner out. I have a HUGE mess to clean up. That ought to keep me busy!

    I'm not going to be a happy camper today. Sorry for this rant.

    Cat

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    282

    Default

    I'm with you Cat. Now that I'm not using I realize the mess I was running away from and the mess is still there and it's called relationship also. I can't do anything yet because I myself need to be better first so I don't slip and find comfort again in those stupid pills.

    Take care and hope your day is better!

  24. #24
    just_a_mom is offline Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    162

    Default

    Cat,

    Your post about life being a "mess" struck another chord w/ me. I started abusing about 5 years ago... I have been struggling with endometriosis for ~15 years (in fact, 10 years ago I had a bottle of 80 oxys that sat in my cabinet for 5 YEARS before I used them all - ha! 80 pills wouldn't last a week now!) but after the birth of my older kids and subsequent stress involved in their care & developmental/medical issues along with a VERY stressful job, I went to a pain management doc for meds to deal with pain. I know the pain was real, but the gathering storm that was my life made dealing with it difficult. Of course, the pain meds didn't really help anything except for super-short-term. I rapidly got out of control (I never got drugs off the street but did some pretty amazing things to get my hands on them - it is astonishing I didn't OD as for a time I took enough fentanyl to choke an elephant). Anyway... my problems (& my kids' problems) are still here. Using didn't solve a darn thing - just put me in a fog and made me irritable when I was running out of meds. Sigh.

    Thanks for the reminder that narcotics don't fix a darn thing. I have a feeling today will be extra challenging for me and I need all the reminders I can get.

    just a mom

  25. #25
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Mom--

    I'm glad that my "rants" do some good. I always find it helpful to read others' post and see something in them that I identify with. More often than not there is always something that hits home. I guess that's why this forum is so helpful. Who ever get there first doesn't win, they share.

    Cat

  26. #26
    just_a_mom is offline Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    162

    Default

    Cat,

    I have definitely found that the more I struggle, the more wisdom I glean from those you have been there before me.

    I was reading another thread - someone was asking about when they will feel "normal" after abusing opiates. It really (maybe finally?) hit me that in going back to feeling "normal" that "normal" does not include a huge rush of endorphins when things get difficult. "Normal" by definition involves a loss of control over endorphins. Does that make sense? When I took a pill, I could get that push to get things done or deal with my family or problems or whatever and I was in charge of when I timed that. In "real life" - there is no control. If I have to step up and do something, there is no external "magic" I can perform to get myself motivated to do that - I have to return to internal motivation which is a heck of a lot more work.

    Yes, i realize this isn't a huge surprise for most people. But somehow it struck me as significant for ME (super-control-freak me). I am so proud of my accomplishments before opiate abuse and what I was able to self-propel myself through. I need to figure out how to get back to that. I need to remember how to just push through the don't-want-to-do-its without pills. Easier said than done huh?

    just a mom
    Xerxes_blue likes this.

  27. #27
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by pandora78 View Post
    Hi Cat,

    Just checking in before trying to get some sleep, as you know how hard it is for me to come by sleep, even still, even on day 17. It's really been that long for us, hey? Reading the others' posts. Nice group of people you've met in your travels (or explorings hehehe) in these forums! I was thinking about 2 things, well 3 really, that I hope to reply to and make it short, as you know I tend to run on. 1st is the quote "I am still struggling with the "no one can help me but myself, and I'm strong enough to do this on my own". 2nd is the post from just_a_mom... and 3rd is the anger/depression.

    Ok, so the first one. I think that struck me deepest as I have not even considered going to an NA meeting. This will make a great seg we into the 2nd bit from just_a_mom, as well. I have lived my life this far learning that the only person I can count on, is myself. In thinking about that, I came to this forum for advice, support, etc. This has been my NA, even though I am not going through a formal 12 step program. Perhaps this will be my downfall, I don't know. I do know that this forum, my thread, others' threads... have been a HUGE support network and lifeline (as you put it) for me. I am afraid to go to an NA meeting. I live in a small community in comparison to a metropolitan area, as well, I work in a fairly public sector, as you know. I don't want people knowing me, no matter how anonymous it is. I have got this far by myself and I am doing well and I don't know if an NA is something I can do. I give you props if you do it and given our similarities, I would be happy to hear of your experiences, Cat.

    2nd... just_a_mom... I hear you in the nobody knowing part. Truly, nobody knew except my ex-boyfriend and one friend who doesn't even live in my city. Everyone else figures I am supermom, super career woman, super single woman... nobody could understand how I did everything I did. It was this forum that allowed me to be honest with everything I was going through, even though I came here when I was quitting. I cannot BEGIN to explain the feelings of relief at just being able to be honest about my addiction. This has been my lifeline and I have great respect for this forum. The members are great, supportive, non-judgmental yet honest and real honest to god people.

    The anger/depression... I am not sure it is exactly the same but going through quitting, I know that I have been feeling a lot of anger, doom and gloom as I like to call it, depression. Physical clouds/waves of it overtake me. I really don't have interest in anything and I wonder if I was always like this? I don't want to dwell too much but I have been thinking about this (you will know in what I wrote on my thread, Cat). In as concise detail I can put it, I think this anger/depression roots from our bodies reliance on opiates to provide with our "good" feelings. We have been reliant on a substance to provide us with our happiness and we are now currently quitting, whether we are in the state of tapering or actually cold turkey quitting or whatnot. Our previous addiction has truly created a state of chemical imbalance, whether it is dopamine or serotonin release we have been impeding. Now our bodies are trying to return to a "normal" state and our happy feelings which rely on dopamine or serotonin, are still out of whack. Enter part of the Thomas Recipe. L-Tyrosine. I have taken it along with ginseng the past couple days as I have been feeling extremely blue... almost black lol. The past couple days I have included this, I have felt motivated, not so flatline, a little more interested in day-to-day living, less frustrated, more involved. This is just my experience and clearly I am not a doctor but it's just something worthwhile to note.

    Ok, so that's my soapbox. I apologize if I went on too long, I know I do. I have so much to say and so little time to say it so I try to fit it all in. Nice to read everyone's contributions. All of you are wonderful, great people and I am glad to have met you by your postings. I hope to be back this week on a quasi-regular basis and will continue to check this thread.

    Cat, you KNOW I'm cheering you on. Every day I think of you, even if I hadn't posted.
    hi cat and pandora.

    wow, readin this. like so many others, its me.
    pandora i can relate at the moment to the anger, doom and gloom you said. oh i sure do. i woke up yesterday feelin like it, and same today.
    yu mentioned the l tyrosine seemed to improve things, maybe later i will try some i got some here. but with no appetite, i dont wanna take a load of vitamins and stuff. i been dry heaving today. (sorry yeh true tho)
    dont know if its coz my body is nearly proper clean, i had a teeny tiny slither, sunday night at midnight. nothin yesterday. and its now 8.42am tuesday for me. rememberin kiwi in future. lol.
    anyway both of you guys have inspired me. coz the cold turkey thing. massive ups to you both.
    im home, should get down to work, but i dont really have to, and i cant really be bothered. on of those days. man, this sucks dont it.
    im deciding whether to have any more, or just do it from here. watch this space. lol.
    good on you guys. maybe i shouldnt rave on with negative stuff here. but i could so relate to whats just been written i had to.
    laters
    cheeky

  28. #28
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Ruth--You're right. I can't do this alone. I'm very close to trouble. Hanging by a thread. Please.

    Cat

  29. #29
    Melissa B is offline Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    San Francisco Bay Area
    Posts
    497

    Default

    Cat,

    I'm so glad you brought that up about the people here being smart, literate, and addicts. I have definately noticed that as well. Most of the people here are very intelligent....notice I didn't say all. Anyways, I have often wondered why that is. I mean come on, how could a filthy disgusting ol' drug addict have one ounce of smarts or intelligence. Yet we do.....that's including me he he. I just love to read something that's been written by someone who knows how to write it. You know what I mean? Ever notice how when you read or hear someone's addiction story that you can relate to most of the things they say...Even if they were on a different drug. Why do we all feel the same inside? Is it something about our genes or DNA. What is it? I'm hoping someone will enlighten us. You really got me thinking Cat. I might blow a gasket. LOL

    By the way, I hope your not doing anything silly right now. That funk your in will pass girlfriend. Do the right thing.

    Peace
    Melissa
    blondie50ish likes this.
    Melissa

  30. #30
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Thanks Melissa. I needed that. Today is almost over and no, I haven't done anything stupid today. And..like I always say, I'll get through today and worry about tomorrow. That's about all I have to say about that for now.

    Yes indeed. One would certainly think that if we can even come close to putting together a grammatically correct sentence, punctuate correctly (most of the time) and spell correctly (most of the time--typos don't count), then how in the good hell did we get to where we are. Strange indeed. My thoughts on this, without knowing anyone else's level of education, is that we have learned early on to take care of ourselves and that we probably "don't want to be any trouble to anyone". So, then in theory, it would make sense (certainly in my case) that when things in life get out of control (pre-addiction) we just take care of it. Oh yes indeedy I did. LOL (that's not a laugh, it's really a smirk). After all, burdening anyone with our silly "emotional" ills just is not acceptable!

    Well, have a healthy mind and a good rest of today Melissa and everyone. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

    Peace,

    Cat

Page 1 of 65 1231151 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Looking for Catrina. Posts keep disappearing...
    By B3An0N in forum Need to Talk?
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 10-22-2017, 10:10 PM
  2. GetMyLifeBackAgain's Journey
    By getmylifebackagain in forum Prescription Drug Addiction
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 06-15-2016, 07:06 PM
  3. Catrina is back and needs advice on Naltrexone
    By Catrina in forum Need to Talk?
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 04-18-2013, 05:15 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22