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Hanging by a thread here
  1. #1
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Default Hanging by a thread here

    My posts keep disappearing, just need someone to talk to. Things have gone from really bad to even worse, I don’t know how much more I can take

  2. #2
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    I’ve tried posting twice and then they’re gone.
    I’ve tried posting on someone’s thread and it’s like I was invisible. Is there a time frame that new posts are put up? I’ve never posted before so this is all new.

  3. #3
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Jane. Sorry your posts/threads got deleted. I know that several members have been having trouble posting as well lately. I know it can be frustrating when you spill your heart and soul into a post only to have it lost in cyberspace. But this thread is here. What's going on with you? How can we help?

    Beef

  4. #4
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hey Beef, thank you so much for writing back. I thought maybe it wasn’t meant to be on here! I am feeling really alone and needed some advice. My Husband and I got into a huge fight a bit ago because I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling. He’s back but still angry with me, out of his pills because he couldn’t make them last again. And one again it was a bad time to talk about how I feel and it’s all my fault! Here is some background which was my first post that disappeared. Thanks again for being there for me. I truly have no one to talk to.

    Hey all, I’ve been reading forums quite a bit but am finally reaching out for some help. I’ve been married for almost 3 years, addicted to pills for that time too as my husband introduced them to me when we were dating. I wasn’t dependent on them then but I sure am now. I can’t stop without withdrawals and I can’t believe it’s gotten so bad. My Husband says he feels awful about it but he is also addicted. He has a pain doctor though and valid pain and prescriptions. He also buys from his sister (she has a pain dr) and on the streets spending a ton of money when we go through them too quickly. He makes a lot more money than I do and pretty much supports our habits. I pitch in as much as possible. We are currently living with my parents and both working but our money is always gone from our habits it seems. I’ll be honest with you in saying that I’m at a point that I know I need help, but I get there when everything is out and I have to face my issues. Next week he’ll have pain pills and methadone and I’ll feel fine and another few weeks goes by and back to feeling like >>>> and my mind goes dark. We have no control on what we take and to make the pills and methadone last between the two of us and trust me it’s a lot. My problem is I just don’t see how to get out of this as my Hubby isn’t ready to quit. I don’t believe leaving him is the right thing to do, nor do I want to, I love him. We are both codependent which I know isn’t healthy but we do love each other and I’m worried if I left he would be worse off. I have struggled with addictions all my life. The worst was meth and I left the guy that supplied that and was able to turn my life around. Now I’m back with another addiction and don’t see a way out. I signed up to have short and long term disability insurance as an option in January, I thought if I have to leave work for rehab at least I would have funds coming in. My Hubby doesn’t want me telling my family about any of this and wants me to go to rehab when we have our place. Problem is I don’t know when that will be, seeing as we keep spending all we have and can’t save. I feel so stuck, lost and unhappy. I don’t take pleasure in anything anymore and all I care about is when I’ll have more pills. I feel like the biggest waste of oxygen and terrible about myself. If you have any suggestions I would appreciate it. I took a suboxone strip today and feel ok, I can get more and figure out a taper to stop all of this. I just want to know can I stop knowing my Husband still uses them? My willpower is awful and my mind messes with me.

    I just don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I need divine intervention or something, I pray for God to show me what to do but I don’t think he hears me anymore.

    Lauren

  5. #5
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Lauren didn't want you to think I abandon you. Just got off work I'll respond in more detail when I get home.

  6. #6
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Hello Lauren,

    Welcome to the forum. You have found a safe and wonderful place to vent your frustrations, get advice, and receive encouragement.

    i know sometimes it seems hard to see a way out when we are actively using. I, too, dealt with the speed monster when younger and then got my life straight. It was very difficult but the payoff was huge when I finally got clean. It took a lot but I came out the other end stronger and smarter than ever.

    Well, that's how it is with the opiates, same thing.

    I got injured and got on the pills. Hydrocodone for me but could have been anything. Somehow I went 5 yrs everyday on that stuff.

    Now I finally got past the pills. Clean for over 30 days now. It's just like when you beat the meth. You get your life back. You have to find the strength and want it bad but you did it before and got your life together. So you can do it now, too. See how that logic works.

    I don't know enough about your exact situation to offer too much advice and I am a little fresh from the fight, but others will be along here that do have a lot to offer in the way of advice. So keep posting and checking in.

    I'm glad you are here!!! It's a huge step just asking for help!!!! I will tell you that a short month ago, everything was very dark in my life. Very, very dark indeed. But now I feel really good and I am already moving forward and making good, well thought out plans. So hang in there. The clouds part and the sun is there.

    Forceout

  7. #7
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hey Beef,

    No worries at all. I’ll probably be off the rest of the night. Hopefully I have some reading tomorrow to do Going to bed soon, not feeling so great. Maybe some extra sleep will help clear my head. Tomorrow is a new day.

    Thanks again,
    Lauren

  8. #8
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hey Forceout!

    I’m feeling lucky with you reaching out too, thank you so much.

    That’s is so freaking awesome you’ve been clean for a month!! I really hope to be there soon, one way or another. That must feel amazing.

    Speed is a beast but this is just a whole lot worse. Probably from the length of time compared to meth. And getting married may not have been the best move but everything happens for a reason. I just have to keep moving forward and figure something out. I just don’t feel like I have his support and am keeping this horrible secret from everyone. And have basically lost touch with everyone that I could even talk to. It’s eating me up. So this feels good to talk to you and Beef, you guys really pay it forward and that really shows your character, I hope to one day be like you two.

    I’ll write some more to ya tomorrow, have awesome night

    Lauren

  9. #9
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    One thing that I just keep wondering is how on earth will I be able to quit pills if my Hubby has them all the time? He is a huge trigger because he always provides for me. Then he gets mad that I’m addicted and that he has to do everything to get them. I’m really confused because it just doesn’t seem fair that I don’t have a right to be depressed, want to change, or if I keep using I’m wrong too, I don’t know what to do. I try to talk to him like tonight because he kept pressing me and I just get his anger and frustration, he says don’t worry so much. Seriously? He took off and came back, I explained how I felt and again its you should wait for our place to get clean, go to rehab, not at my parents house with them and I partly agree. I know he feels responsible too and doesn’t want them knowing what we’ve been doing. Part of me is also worried I will have even less support on our own, I could always come back and stay w my parents again though. I’m just really confused. We use Oxy, methadone, norcs, suboxone in between if we’re out. We are out now which is why I’m one again questioning my life and path and get really depressed. I told him I take responsibility for my own actions, I just wish he would have my best interest at heart but he’s an addict too so I understand to a certain extent. I just feel like if he was reaching out to me how would I feel. I don’t think I would treat him the way I’m being treated and it hurts on top of everything else.

    Just needed to get that out.
    Lauren

  10. #10
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Lauren. Just like force said this is an amazing place where you can let it all out and get amazing non judgemental advice from these amazing people. I was addicted to oxy 240-300 mg/day for 2ish years. Then moved on to suboxone for another 5 years at 16 mg/day. I tapered down and jumped and right now I'm just shy of 3 months clean. I would not have made it without this place I know for sure. It has truly saved me.

    First off it is not your fault that you wanted to have that conversation. If getting clean is your ultimate goal you and your husband NEED to have that conversation. I know that he doesn't want to have it but it cannot be avoided. He needs to understand that this is important to you. You need to want this more than anything. Getting clean is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but the harder part is staying clean. But if I can do it so can you!!

    We can definately help you get clean. Of that I am certain. We could use a little more info about what and how much you are using and what your plans may be moving forward.

    I'm glad you found us here. This is a great place. I'm sure that more members will stop by and give you some more detailed information and insight into your situation. Keep your chin up!! It will get better.

    Hope that helps out a little. Have a great night!!
    Beef
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  11. #11
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Mornin' LaLa,

    Welcome home!! I am also a codependent addict tryin to make it in this here life. I am by far not an expert in this subject matter as I'm feeling my way thru my own recovery but I do have 2 fresh ears for listening & a big heart for caring.

    I can so relate to the cycle you are in as I was in it for 3 years. The only difference between us is that my hubs is an alcoholic so I do not have the temptation in front of me.

    The key to your success will be how badly you want to be free from the monster of opiates. You have to want it more than anything else. Please continue to post & all of us here can help you along your way.

    You Got A Friebd In Me,

    ❤️ Che
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  12. #12
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Lauren -

    I can so relate to your situation. I've had many girlfriends through the years, some I lived with and some I didn't. Being an addict I usually (selfishly) chose those girls that were addicts because I knew I would have another source to my one true love....drugs. And many times I really thought I wanted to clean up my act and get as far away from the drugs as I possibly could. I really believed that to be true. But wanting to be clean and living in the same household with another addict is nearly an impossible thing to do. One reason is because you'll always be in a situation where there are addictive drugs present. Another reason is you'll never make the other person stop using/abusing drugs. Not gonna happen.

    You know as well as I do that being an active addict means loving our drugs more than anything. And that includes a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or significant other. Our drugs always come first. So if YOU want to be clean, and I mean you really want to be clean more than anything else in the world, then you have to do everything possible to make that happen, and use every tool available. If that means breaking up and moving out so be it. If that means giving your BF and ultimatum that either he gets help or you're gone so be it. But if you give him threats you MUST follow though. My fiancé at the time always said she was leaving if I didn't get help. But she always stayed so I never believed her. This went on for quite some time until she eventually had enough and left for good. That got me to seek the help I needed. I'll have 4 years clean this coming July, and that's after spending nearly 18 years of my life abusing drugs. So it certainly can be done. You can do it too.

    Life is so much better without the addictive drugs. You should seek out some NA or AA meetings for face to face help and support. No excuses, just go if you're serious about getting clean. Meetings are everywhere these days and I'm certain there will be some near you. Ask your BF to go and see what he says. If he refuses then tell him you're going. Maybe by you changing your life it will change his? I sure hope so.

    So much I want to say to you, but difficult to say it here. Those meetings will really help I promise. You'll meet many others in your situation you can talk with and work towards a solution.

    Hope this helps. Continue posting as that helps. I wish you both the absolute best.

    Randy
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  13. #13
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hi everyone,

    Sorry getting to this so late, this has been one of the busiest days at work and I’m finally able to take a deep breath, I was going to write more tonight but Hubby will be there and not sure if it will be possible so here goes..

    I really appreciate the tough love Randy, I’m so glad to hear you’re doing much better. You are totally right and I have known how toxic things are but didn’t want to address it. After last night I’ve realized what I’m looking at to get out of this. He tried to take the car he bought me (mine needs a few repairs and isn’t running) and generally screamed how this isn’t the right time and he doesn’t feel well. What he doesn’t realize is I never have a chance to talk with him working so much, so when is the right time? I don’t think he cares very much and I am starting to see I need to plan this out. To leave the relationship, make sure I can get to work still, make sure I have money aside and will feel in a better place. Maybe that sounds like excuses but if he would have left with the car I very well could have lost my job as I would be stranded. I need my medical Insurance and my job, I can use it for rehab starting in Jan.

    Beef I know you guys can help, I really do know how much better my life can be. I used to live it, I was so different. I am wondering if checking into the Suboxone Clinic through Kaiser would be a good call? That’s their rehab from what they told me and I can decide how long I want to be on it. If my supply is gone (Husband) I could very well suffer through the wd and take time off work somehow to stay home. I’m trying to think this through and what my best options are.

    Che!! I’m so glad to hear from you too! I would love to be friends w you too Glad you’re in the right path! Are you still married to your Hubby? Is he a Narcissist like mine? I find that being co dependent and being with a Narcissist go hand in hand. We have a very sick kind of love and need for each other. He can also be very cold and mean like last night, it’s killing me. Just wondering if joining a support group for co dependants may be good as well as NA? I am really trying to figure out a game plan that will save me some stress to deal with WD and do things right. Talk to him in an adult way, leave and get some outside suppport. I wish I could meet you all! This is cool typing it out but you all seem so kind and I wish I could see you in person too.

    Again I really appreciate you all taking time out for me, it really makes me feel like I’m not so alone after all.

    Have a wonderful evening all,
    Lauren

  14. #14
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Lauren,

    Don't think Randy's response is tough love. It is the truth.

    I also live with an addict. I was one for several years, and was introduced to opiates by my partner. I, also, went through the speed thing, but, really, just stopped. Opiates are different.

    Fortunately, I was able to get away from that, but it took me several times trying. I did not know what to do after that. I had so much money involved, so many bills and perhaps, co-dependency.

    Where am I at now? My friend is a lunatic. She had a thiamine deficiency due to mal-nutrition, drug, and alcohol dependency. I was awoken 6 weeks ago, to a OCD weirdo that was flipping light switches on and off, and acting unresponsive, but still conscious.

    Now, she has NO short term memory, and I am stuck. Feeling responsible because we did have a past of drug abuse, even though, she introduced me to it. Doesn't matter. As a normal person, you feel responsible, and those years bring you lots of debt and responsibilities you incurred together. So, at worst, this is your future.

    I am living it right now, and I resent the hell out of it. I have been clean for over 2 years, but, I was stupid and didn't get out when I could have.

    I have come to realize, I am an enabler of epic proportions.

    Do better for yourself and realize, things can go really, really wrong...real fast. Living with a person with brain damage sucks. And before that brain damage, they can make you feel like they are on top of the world and you are lucky to be with them.

    Run as fast a you can to your parents. Get clean, and don't look back.

    Sorry, to be a drag, but that would be my advice to you. You are questioning your life too much. Listen to the small voice in yourself and GO!

  15. #15
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Hello Lauren,

    Just stopping by to smile and say hi!! I told you the Calvary would come. Lol. Everybody is great here. Like a big family exactly. Yes it's a little strange to not be in person but it's something you get used to. Suffice to say, there is real love and caring here. We all have been through some serious stuff.. It's what binds us and makes it possible to understand, empathize, and help each other. You are so welcome here. Please hang with us. We will hang with you....

    I sense strength in you. A certain survival instinct that not everyone has. You can do this thing. You are thinking the right stuff...planning. And looking down the road. Good for you!!!' I agree that YoU have to look out for you.

    Incidentally, if you read a while on the forums here, you would find pretty quick that Randy is a highly respected member, a leader, He has help hundreds here If not thousands. And Beef. If he doesn't get you pumped up, no one can. You have the right people checking on you.

    Keep coming back here. We will stick with you! You can do this thing. The reward. It's everything, Lauren. It's your life back!

    We are all so glad you are here!

    Strength and power to you!!!

    Forceout

  16. #16
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    You guys just brought tears to my eyes, it’s hard to explain but holding everything in and never telling a soul and only talking about it with my Husband is eating me up.

    I have seen and still see huge red flags in my relationship that if I told you everything you would think I’m insane for staying. He’s not abusive and no fidelity, but there have been times that I felt this is mental abuse. And I want love so bad that I am willing to settle for all of this, I really need some help with loving myself too.

    Silver linings I totally understand Randy’s response and he is absolutely right and so are you. I am so sorry to hear about your partner, I would like to understand more about you and am going to write again later when I get home from work. Thank you so much for writing to me!

    Forceout I am a fighter, thank you for saying that!! It’s just this addiction is really messing w my Head man! It sucks but I do feel that I’m getting really close to turning things around and I don’t feel it’s impossible at all. I know it’s going to be hard, but nothing is impossible. I’m lucky to have a family and grown daughter who love me, I know if I was honest they would stand by me and help. Even if my Husband won’t.

    I truly feel the strength and wisdom from everyone on here, I hope when I start attending NA and a drug program that I can be this lucky there as well. Any suggestions on the Suboxone clinic that is an option for me? I’ll tell you a bit more about it later as I had a consultation w Kaiser.

    Be back later, thanks all.

    Lauren

  17. #17
    Stopplaying is offline Junior Member
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    Hi LaLa,
    I am sitting here and reading posts on this forum and it definitely helps. I just went, or might be still slightly going thru wds from Hydrocodone (Norco 10/325). People here are extremely helpful and may God bless the person who created this site initially. What a great idea!
    If you really want to quit, sometimes you have to be selfish. Your sobriety has to be selfish in a way. It sounds to me that your husband is not ready yet and just puts it off till tomorrow, or when you'll move etc. May be it would be a good idea for you to go and stay with your parents for a week or two? May be it would be a wake up call for him? But you can try and find a reason to go visit your family without telling him why you want to do this to avoid confrontation. (if you feel there might be any) May be give him a hint??? But remember, that when and if you'll get clean you will have to get back to the "house of temptations" with your husband. Can you do it? I won't be able to stay clean in an environment like this and would crack. As soon as he'll show me those pills (which are coming next week) my brain would instantly create an excuse to use.
    Remember it's your life and you have admitted that there is a problem, which is huge. But now YOU need to do the leg work TODAY. It's not easy, but it was done a 1000 times.
    --SP

  18. #18
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi Lauren and Welcome,

    You've got some good folks helping you out here. I did see that you asked our opinion about subs but no one addressed it. I've never used subs but I've been a member here for eight years come January and know enough about them that I feel OK giving you my two cents.

    How much and what are you using right now? I'm the cold turkey queen and have detoxed that way countless times but as I mentioned above, I'm nearly eight years clean now. I've detoxed this way from well over 200 mg of oxy or any other kind of opiate I could get my grubby little hands on and have survived to tell about it. Subs can be a useful tool but it's the general consensus around here that unless you've failed every other way of getting clean, you should try and avoid them. If you do decide to go on sub therapy, please let us know and we'll walk you through it. Sub doctors almost without exception prescribe doses that are way too high and keep their patients on subs for entirely too long. If you follow the plan used here, you'll do quite well.

    Cold turkey is around five days of some acute withdrawal symptoms and depending upon how much you're taking, you probably aren't going to feel much like going to work. I would take my last pill on Thursday night, manage to get through Friday going to work, have the weekend to get through those first days and by Day 6 I was back to work. Sleep and lack of energy will follow you for a while and can be pretty frustrating but once things turn around, they get better and better almost by the day. Some of these lingering symptoms will follow you once you're done with subs too so don't use them thinking that you'll escape it. Both ways to get clean have their good and bad points. I'm a strong proponent for cold turkey. Rip the bandaid off, be sick for a week and get on with life. It's not fun, but it's possible.

    I agree with Randy (always do) and my friend Silverlining. There's nothing you can do about your husband and I can tell by your tone that you are done. Done with drugs and done with him. I know all about co-dependency and I know the fear you have right now. Don't you just resent having to need him so that you are supplied and can function? It sux!! This is control of the cruelest nature. The good news is that when that day arrives that you are ready to face whatever it's going to take to get clean, you're going to feel much better moving on without him. Freedom! It's there and all you have to do is reach out and grab it.

    Glad you found us.

    Peace,

    Cat

  19. #19
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Hello Lauren,

    I tend to check in with folks about this time most evenings. Just thread hopping and stopped here to hand out a digital hug and say that you are not alone and never really will be now that you found this place. Everyone is happy you are here!

    Cat happened to be the one to reach out and grab me the first time I posted here. I call her my guardian angel. A wonderful spirit.

    Anyway, you keep on keeping on, Lauren.

    Today, I'm just grateful for this safe place to share.

    Forceout
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  20. #20
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    LaLa,

    Oh Honey- the tea we could spill together. You nailed it right on the head- Classic empath/narcissist relationship wrapped in codependency right here (sadly).

    I am still with him but we have definitely entered the "Facebook official" It's complicated status. We call save the details on that for a tea party later.

    I see you're starting to formulate a plan- keep taking steps forward. Each step will bring you closer & closer to freedom. It's not easy but so worth it. I'm in your corner & here to support & encourage you all the way.

    Light & Luv,

    Che

  21. #21
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hi all,

    So it gets a little confusing messaging back everyone all together. I’m going to try to do it individually, I don’t want to miss responding to anyone. Appreciate the advice so much!

    Silver lining,

    I don’t even know what to say about your partner, I’m so sorry that had happened! I have never heard of something like that happening due to drugs and health issues. That prob sounds pretty naive but truly I can’t even imagine how hard it would be. Is it so bad that your partner would have to go to a mental facility to be taken care of? Or is it something that can be cured? I wish you all the best and hope you still take time to care for yourself and be happy, everyone deserves to be happy. That’s not your fault it happened but understand the enabling part, that is exactly what my Husband and I do.

    I know that leaving is in my best interest at this point, I feel guilty, I even feel guilty being on here even talking about it. I need to learn how to put my needs first. My Husband takes care of me but is it in the way he should? He’s sick too from addiction and I feel that I should be helping him as well because he does tell me he wants to quit as well.. I’m so sad to think that if I left he would be in a really bad place mentally. We do love each other very much, I just don’t know how or when to let go.

    ~L
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  22. #22
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hey SP!

    So happy to read another success story of quitting those nasty pills. How are you feeling today? Is every day getting easier for you? Did you go CT?

    I really want to quit but right now my Husband and I are living with my parents. We have managed to keep things on the down low and I’m so ashamed to admit it to my family. I realize for my Husband it would be even worse, he truly feels awful that he ever introduced me to these pills. He wants to quit after we move out, he’s all for me doing whatever I want to do, rehab, suboxone clinic, counseling, everything. I’ve been thinking quite a bit and I feel the best thing to do is move out together which we plan on in the next month or so. Taking off work to get into a rehab facility and possibly do a short term suboxone program. If he is still using then at least I’ll be taking subs and have something to stick to while going to a drug counselor and working through my issues on abuse and co dependency. If this plan ends up not working then I know my parents would allow me to come back and I can do this on my own with their support. I know it’s going to happen one way or another. I honestly do not want to go the divorce route until I explore everything possible, I don’t want to give up on him but I realize how taking care of myself needs to be priority as well. I’m so confused right now but trust me when I say I am doing some soul searching right now and will move forward and drug free one way or another..

    Thanks for writing to me!!
    ~L
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  23. #23
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hi Cat!

    So nice to hear from you I understand what you mean about going CT. It makes sense but if I’m to stay w my Husband I don’t know if it’s possible. Knowing he’s got pills and that I could feel better would be impossible. I guess that’s why I feel Subs may be a good option. The program not only has you taking them but they do counseling sessions too daily, I feel like it would break that daily pill habit for me to work on living normally. I realize still relying on strips to feel ok is still an addiction too so I’m really torn. It’s hard to say how much we use but I would say 2 weeks out of the month it would be 90-200 mg Oxy a day, the rest I take methadones, 50-80 mg a day to get by. Throw in maybe a few days of 60 mgs Norcs daily and then Suboxone sometimes as well just to feel semi normal if out of everything else. It’s all kind of blur sometimes, feels like I take whatever is available!!

    To answer your question I do resent having to rely on my Husband for pills and to feel normal, I want freedom so badly, I am just struggling with guilt right now of leaving him. I want us to get better together
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  24. #24
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hey Forceout!

    So sweet of you and grateful that you thought of me and said hi! Hugs back! I tried to get on last night but Hubby was around and had stuff for me. I am so torn with my life w him, pills, and talking to you and everyone else has really got me thinking tho and I do appreciate the honesty and advise of you and everyone here. What an awesome group of people! I truly wish we could all meet, I think NA may be what I need to do next. How bad is it to go if you still use? I have heard that’s it’s also a place for addicts to meet and really just use with more people. Maybe I’m flashing back to that Breaking Bad episode lol but that scares me as I obviously don’t want to be worse off by going or meet people that would want to harm me even more than I already do.

    Hope you are doing well today, I am grateful it’s almost Friday!! Need a mental rest this weekend and some good sleep!

    ~L
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  25. #25
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LalaJane78 View Post
    Hi Cat!

    So nice to hear from you I understand what you mean about going CT. It makes sense but if I’m to stay w my Husband I don’t know if it’s possible. Knowing he’s got pills and that I could feel better would be impossible. I guess that’s why I feel Subs may be a good option. The program not only has you taking them but they do counseling sessions too daily, I feel like it would break that daily pill habit for me to work on living normally. I realize still relying on strips to feel ok is still an addiction too so I’m really torn. It’s hard to say how much we use but I would say 2 weeks out of the month it would be 90-200 mg Oxy a day, the rest I take methadones, 50-80 mg a day to get by. Throw in maybe a few days of 60 mgs Norcs daily and then Suboxone sometimes as well just to feel semi normal if out of everything else. It’s all kind of blur sometimes, feels like I take whatever is available!!

    To answer your question I do resent having to rely on my Husband for pills and to feel normal, I want freedom so badly, I am just struggling with guilt right now of leaving him. I want us to get better together
    Perhaps sub therapy would be a good choice for you. Make no mistake, it's still going to take some grit to get through it with hubby still active. Who can even guess how he'll react to you taking steps? Just be prepared for that and be ready to stand tall and do what you need to do. As you gain some clean time and confidence, you'll be stronger to maybe make harder choices concerning your life.

    Your comments about meetings. It sounds to me like you would benefit greatly from them and I bet you'll look forward to going to get some face to face support. You respond to help here so well, that meetings would be even better. There's something I always tell people about meetings. You will find whatever you're there to find. If you are looking for support, you definitely will find it. If you are there to find a hook up, then you'll find that too. Sometimes you have to try more than one meeting before you find a fit. That's OK and you might even expect it. There are people who will be there because they are court ordered to go. It won't take you long to figure out who they are. You should find yourself a sponsor as soon as you're able at where ever you find your home group and he/she will take good care of you.

    Keep posting. You are on the right thought process and you'll know when you're ready. You'll just know. It can't be because you're out of pills or sick of asking hubby. The day will come when you are fully stocked and it won't matter. You will move mountains to get clean and get your life back. That day will come.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  26. #26
    LalaJane78 is offline New Member
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    Hi Che!!

    You crack me up! Girl there has to be support groups for women like us right? I am a Cancer and the empath thing is something I’ve been reading about lately and relate to. I have a co worker that is the same, she doesn’t know about my drug use of course but we have been talking quite a bit about the Narcissist thing and how sick it truly is. What a mind you know what! Between using drugs, the craziness of my relationship and confusion around that, it’s making it even harder to stop the madness but I know I have to figure something out. I am so torn because my Husband is not a bad guy, I do beleive he loves me, but I see those traits and it’s so frustrating, always feeling like I’m to blame. I have also learned to live with it and how to keep the peace, it’s almost normal in a way now which is sad when I think about it. I feel like it’s extremely hard to break free. I don’t know whether to be happy you and your Hubby are together or not. I just hope you are happy Che, happy and safe.

    There is a lady on you tube that has a ton of videos talking about the Narcissist, co-dependents, everything and man it’s really hit home for both my co worker and I! I will tell you looking back at almost all my relationships I seem to attract Narcissists like Flies to poopoo!! And also my parents are the classic examples of the same, my Dad, the Narcissist and my Mother, the co-dependent..guess that’s where it all began!

    Wishing you well Che!!
    ~L
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  27. #27
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    L-

    OMG- I think I might be your coworker- lol! No seriously that's what got me they some questionable times. Funding real life verifiable terms for what k was feeling & going through.

    We're basically living the same life. Only difference is my Hubs addiction is alcohol. I despise it so much I can't even use hand sanitizer. I kid you not. The DOC in fact has nothing to do with it b/c an addict is an addict is an addict- am I right?

    I'm pretty much is the same boat with you. He owns the house, which he recently threw me out of (did not let me take the kids! Yes, 3 of them 17, 10, & 3). I am back at home & am a Master Jedi at tip toeing thru then egg shells. Although I am back I have moved out the bedroom & into our basement. As pitiful as that sounds come bedtime I am the most happiest & at peace. For me, that is progress.

    Ok, so back to us & this tea. I am just like you- conflicted!! When he's good he's all so good- until he's not & then all h3ll breaks loose & it's tip toeing time. I'm too old for playing these games & I just don't have it to do anymore. I lack follow thru but again making progress.

    I've got just over 6 months clean. When I started this journey the hubs had about 8 months of sobriety under his belt. It really felt like I was living the dream until- Geez don't you hate when there's an until? Yeah- until I reached day 28 & smelled alcohol on him. Instant relapse for me. It remains my biggest trigger & I'm starting to realize if change does not happen I am allowing myself to be put in jeopardy.

    I kind of skipped ahead & got off topic. Matter of fact I skipped way ahead so let me back track to get back on point. I've been done known we were the classic E&N's and that I was codependent on him- oh and I was a Master enabler. Long & short is he got locked up. That's when I realized just how codependent I was. I literally had physical w/d from him. That's when My Journey actually began- and it was good 6 months before I stopped the pills. I had a chit ton of work to do on myself b4 I felt strong enough to attempt sobriety. Getting clean has been mind blowing for me. How you ask?? I found myself, the real me, the broken one and then I was able to forgive myself.

    Gurl, I am sooo sorry I came over & spilt all the tea. I guess I should of warned you that I have been blessed with the gift of gab. And you know what??? I ent afraid to use it- lol!

    In an attempt to wrap this up & make a valid point. Your journey to soberity has started. Keep seeking & you will find- that I promise. Your only focus is You & the next right thing for you. Keep exploring all the options available to you. Tune yourself in Cancer the universe will not fail you. That I promise.

    Ok- I'll wrap here or I'll have you dozin off soon. I promise next time I stop by I won't be so clumsy with the tea.

    Luv & Light,

    ❤️Che

  28. #28
    Leah987 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LalaJane78 View Post
    One thing that I just keep wondering is how on earth will I be able to quit pills if my Hubby has them all the time? He is a huge trigger because he always provides for me. Then he gets mad that I’m addicted and that he has to do everything to get them. I’m really confused because it just doesn’t seem fair that I don’t have a right to be depressed, want to change, or if I keep using I’m wrong too, I don’t know what to do. I try to talk to him like tonight because he kept pressing me and I just get his anger and frustration, he says don’t worry so much. Seriously? He took off and came back, I explained how I felt and again its you should wait for our place to get clean, go to rehab, not at my parents house with them and I partly agree. I know he feels responsible too and doesn’t want them knowing what we’ve been doing. Part of me is also worried I will have even less support on our own, I could always come back and stay w my parents again though. I’m just really confused. We use Oxy, methadone, norcs, suboxone in between if we’re out. We are out now which is why I’m one again questioning my life and path and get really depressed. I told him I take responsibility for my own actions, I just wish he would have my best interest at heart but he’s an addict too so I understand to a certain extent. I just feel like if he was reaching out to me how would I feel. I don’t think I would treat him the way I’m being treated and it hurts on top of everything else.

    Just needed to get that out.
    Lauren
    Hi, Lauren.....welcome to the forum! I have no experience with the drugs you mentioned, and I'm not really good with hubbys, either, so I don't know how much I can help. Your question jumped out at me, tho. You were wondering how you you could quit with your hubby having the pills all the time. I was in a similar situation. It will be hard, but you need to try your best to quit this stuff....for your own sake. It took me 2 and a half years on this forum trying to quit, but I finally did it....with the help of my forum friends! They kept me going. Without them, I could not have done it.I've been off all pain pills for 8 months now. You can do this!

  29. #29
    NurseDanaRN is offline New Member
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    Hi Lauren! Wow, I can totally relate to you. What you need to do, is get on suboxone. Instead of a pain doc, go to a suboxone Dr and get clean! This is something you and your husband can do together. Trust me, I know because I did it with my husband. We have both been on subs for 3 years now. I’m not saying, you should stay on them for as long as us... but they have saved our life, our money, our sanity, our marriage! They enable us to work, and function, and raise our family, without being prisoners of our addiction. There is nothing worse then looking for that next fix, and wanting it more then anything else in the world. I am so grateful to never have to feel like that again. Now, remember suboxone is a whole other addiction. But after rehab and meetings didn’t work, and promise and promise was broken, this was our final hope. I thank God every day for suboxone, I truly don’t know how else I would have gotten off of Oxy’s. I was taking at least 200mg a day. I was so deep. So lost. So scared. I too, didn’t want to leave my husband. It seems like, you’re going to have to give him a choice tho... he either gets clean with you, or u get clean alone. You cannot waste anymore time living this nightmare, when you have the urge now! Get on it girl, these moments of seeking help come and quickly go. It could be years before you finally decide to stop. But while you have this burning disire, You have to jump in! God is calling you to a better life. I pray you listen!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 12-14-2017 at 10:36 PM.
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  30. #30
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Hello Lauren,

    I just happened by your spot here and thought I would come out of the shadows to say hello!!!

    I hope you are getting along well! Don't be a stranger. How are things? Thinking about you. You have a lot of friends here. Don't forget that

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