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Help Day 11 PLEASE
  1. #1
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Default Help Day 11 PLEASE

    I'm on day 11 of my journey, the physical symptoms have left,but my mental state is terrible can't get to a meeting until noon. I'm a basket case, my thoughts are all over the place,panic has set in. I just went through 10 of the sh tiest days of my life,and i'm not going back only forward. any responce would be awesome I'm all alone no support HELP

    oltom

  2. #2
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    I just called NA hopefully someone will call me back soon??????????? oltom
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  3. #3
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Here's a few random ideas.

    Breathe. Slow down your breathing and just be. The more your mind races, focus your thoughts back on your breathing. Nothing is going to fall apart in the next 2 hours before the meeting, unless you choose to make that happen. Say a prayer. Try the Serenity Prayer. Repeat it over and over, like a mantra.

    You are in control of your own thoughts. Seriously, you are. In time, with recovery, you will be able to practice this more and more, until you are no longer a victim of those crazy all-over-the-place thoughts.

    We can't think of 2 things at once. So find something else to think about. Take a shower - and while you're in the shower, wash the walls of the shower. (lol) I'm just saying, do something that occupies your mind and your body, and you'll distract yourself.

    Try writing out your thoughts. I journalled ALL the time when I was new. I would talk in circles, but it would feel better to get it out. Half the time, if I wrote down what I was anxious about, I'd be able to see that there really wasn't anything to fear. I'd ask myself the question, "What's the worst that could happen?" Chances are, it wasn't half as bad as I thought in my free-floating anxiety.

    Go outside. Walk around the block. Try repeating the lyrics to an inspiring song to your pace... or repeating a "mantra" like "This, too, shall pass."

    Read through this forum. Try different "search" terms, like "anxiety" and see what posts you may find from the past.

    Remind yourself - this is all part of the healing. This is normal, believe it or not. Your emotions and thinking have been numbed for years - and for 11 days, they've been wide awake! This will not last - this will pass. Life will level off, and you won't feel overwhelmed.

    And - above all - get to the meeting. Get there early, if you can. Half the help you can get is in the gathering of folks outside the meeting, before and after.

    When you get to that meeting, put up your hand and tell them you're new - and need some phone numbers! Those folks will be your lifeline when you get in a position like you're in right now.

    Know that I've been there - as have millions of others. Get through it and gain strength in finding out you can.

    God bless,
    Ruth
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    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  4. #4
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    I guess I should have started with a simple question... what are you panicking about?

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  5. #5
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    i agree with Ruth... Deep breath... Also, post, get all the cobwebs out... put them here and just hang tight.. We are here for you... Reid

  6. #6
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Artist

    Thank you so much. I just got out of a hot soak called the NA hotline a gentleman called me back and I think he felt I needed to talk to someone with more expierience with opiates them he did. He's going to call someone to call me. My aniety is subsiding slighly. I don't have any friends or family to support me. My addiction pushed them away. My wife left me 3 weeks before christmas. My children are away at colledge.

    A great guy just called me and he was awesome. I'm meeting him at the noon meeting. He has 19 years under his belt. Praise the Lord. Thanks for the advice the breathing thing helped. I continuously recite the Lords prayer. I did forget the this too shall pass,thanks, I'm anxious about paying bills,newly seperated,attending NA, I'm kind of a shy person,don't speak well in front of others and I'm an emotional basket case crying like a baby. I guess in a nut shell I'm embarassed about my life. Headed up to get dressed for the meeting,getting there early,Thank you soooooooo much for posting. I need all the help I can get.

    Thanks again oltom

  7. #7
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks reid I see you have posted on a few of my threads,It is very much appriciated. I'm not using anymore,I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

    Thanks oltom

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    don't forget one important thing about "us" we were there.. So we understand all that you are feeling and have gone through most of what you are going through. being newly clean, just focus on getting healthy right now.. There will be time for all the concerns of the past etc... Just know we are here to listen and help where we can.. All my best, Reid

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    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Good to hear, Oltom,

    Life can feel completely overwhelming at the beginning... but, fortunately, things do fall into place in time. As long as we keep our recovery as our #1 focus, the rest will work out. I would plan each day around a meeting - and some days, I'd go to 2 or 3 of them. I got to know the people in the group - they recognized me, and made it easier for me to talk. (Yup, I was shy too!) But I did find that as soon as I got my hand up and said anything... it opened the doors to a lot of support. Even just saying, "I'm new and feeling overwhelmed." is a good start. People are actually eager to help.

    See if you can get the phone number of this man you're meeting - to be able to call him in the future. It's how we manage in a crisis when we're new!

    A day at a time... a moment at a time... it's all worth it.
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    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  10. #10
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Hello, I'm back from the NA meeting,it was awesome. I can't afford to be shy about my disease. They had a format were 3 people with 90 days share in the beginning of the meeting and they could tell I was hurtin for surtin,so they let me share first after the 90 dayers. I broke down once again and cried like a baby while telling my story. I had so much support it was amazing,everyone hugged me it was like I was alive and loved again. I ask for numbers and got 18. Everyone said to call anytime I need to talk. It was one of the best experiences of my life. After the meeting me and the guy that called from the hot line went out and had coffee,he has 19 years of being clean. Everyone said after I spoke they all relized why they were there again,because they don't want to feel like me. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. Going to another meeting at 7pm. But I would like give a shout out to all of you on here for showing me some love.

    Feeling much better,oltom
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  11. #11
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by oltom View Post
    Hello, I'm back from the NA meeting,it was awesome. I can't afford to be shy about my disease. They had a format were 3 people with 90 days share in the beginning of the meeting and they could tell I was hurtin for surtin,so they let me share first after the 90 dayers. I broke down once again and cried like a baby while telling my story. I had so much support it was amazing,everyone hugged me it was like I was alive and loved again. I ask for numbers and got 18. Everyone said to call anytime I need to talk. It was one of the best experiences of my life. After the meeting me and the guy that called from the hot line went out and had coffee,he has 19 years of being clean. Everyone said after I spoke they all relized why they were there again,because they don't want to feel like me. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. Going to another meeting at 7pm. But I would like give a shout out to all of you on here for showing me some love.

    Feeling much better,oltom
    How I wish I could post the above on the front page of this forum!!!

    THIS is what NA and AA are all about. THIS is the kind of support, love and encouragement is available in the fellowship. We understand one another. We understand the pain and the fear that accompanies us when we take our first step into a meeting. We lived it, too. We understand the craziness of emotions and thoughts when we're new - it wasn't so long ago that we felt it, too. It can be absolutely terrifying and overwhelming at times... but the amount of support awaiting us in these meeting rooms is also absolutely overwhelming.

    This same experience happened to me early on. I had gone through 6 months of in-patient treatment, only to relapse a week later. Oh how I hated myself then, after feeling I'd "failed." But I got to a meeting and poured out my heart... sobbing, as you did. And the love and support that was given to me was absolutely staggering. There was no harsh judgement of me - simply help. It's all I needed to keep me coming back - and helped me to find years of recovery from that point, on.

    i am SOOOOOO glad that you're making a home in your meetings, Oltom. This is the key to success. Each meeting is an investment in your future. And believe me, it's worth it!

    Hugs,
    Ruth
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    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  12. #12
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Hugs back at you Ruth. I was in such a bad place yesterday morning,worse than the physical part. I got a hot bath and broke down and ask God for help. I truly believe it was him that sent me to the NA Hotline. I feel better knowing I have another meeting today,and a higher power. Its a little embarassing being a biker type,and breakin down like that,but owell life on lifes terms,one minute one hour and one day at a time.

    Thanks oltom

  13. #13
    gottagetwell is offline Member
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    Oltom, so glad you are doing well. God really does help us once we truly surrender to him! Its so true. Shame it took me so long to realise this but I'm just glad I finally did. Keep up the good work, you can/will/are doing it. xx
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  14. #14
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Hello all just spent 1 1/2 hours in Syracuse Basketball traffic only to find out NA meeting was canceled this week at that place, (this is a test only a test) Should have used one of the numbers instead of the NA website. Just called a number I was given yesterday 6:30 this evening. I'm a grateful person today. oltom

  15. #15
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Hello
    I'm waking up to day 14 of being clean.(Praise the lord) I have been going to meetings all weekend. I went to a meeting yesterday morning at 10:30. I never thought I would say this the meeting was toooooo short.lol The meeting was only 1 hour,and I didn't get a chance to share. I kinda got my feelings hurt. But what I'm hearing in the rooms is awesome. But I'm having bid time anxiety. I still find my mind is scatter brained,jumping around from thought to though. I'm really not thinking about using,I'm thinking about how I acted in the past, am I going to die alone, (my wife left me after 25 years) How do I deal with my back and leg pain . I'm a type A person,I was always on the go,in my young years,always kept my self going. I'm also a perfectionist. Like everything in my house in its place. My truck clean,my yard finely manicured. Before being disabled I was a Heavy equipment operator, up at 4:40-5am worked 10-12 hour days. When I got clean in 1990 I worked my way through it. With about 2 years of AA.

    1995 Bam truck wrecked back broke,disc herniated,torn rotator cuffs. My life totally changed. I could no longer do what I loved. I really liked running bulldozers,excavators,big pans(earth movers) I ran pretty much everything. I looked at it like I was playing with big tonka toys. While making good money.

    Okay I'm a totally addictive person. What ever task or hobby I take up,I jump in head first. I have to be the best I can be,in whatever I do. I know this about myself but how do I stop this thought process? I also have OCD and my daughter who is a getting her PHD in Psychology,at a major university says I have OCPD (personality disorder) My anxiety is debilitating at times. I've tried zolof and about every other SSRI there is. But I have questions about this also. How can I take an anti deppressant and then smoke a blunt?(deppresant) I have never told my doc I'm a lifelong pot user. Could this be a problem as to why the ssri's make me feel like my skin is crawling? I've always stopped because I got worse on them. Couch lock couldn't get out of my own head. Couldn't get off couch,I get stuck in my own head. I have been to conseling in the past and it seemed to help. But could not afford it,so I stopped. I also have to have things finished yesterday. I'm not a multi tasker. I get on a mission until its finished and then move on. If anyone has any insight into this please share your experience.

    Thanks for reading,oltom

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Have A great day today. Proud of you! keep on keepin on Bro. Reid

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    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Dear Oltom,

    Sounds to me like the gung-ho stuff us addicts do (lol) - until we work our 4th and 5th steps! (I thrived on that "Superwoman of the 80s" tag phrase! Ooops, I'm revealing my age!) It sounds like a broken record, but things really do fall into place as we work the steps. It's an opportunity for self-examination and reflection, and the changes that come about are truly amazing.

    Try to absorb some of those program slogans, when your mind gets anxiously racing: One day at a time. First things first. Easy does it. Focus on today. Your racing thoughts about the past do you no good; you can't change the past. Your anxiety about the future won't change anything except ruin your present moment! That's why we rely upon these slogans... they work.

    One thing I noticed - the pot. That's going to trip you up, my friend. It's keeping your disease "plugged in" for one thing, which is like keeping one foot in the door. Bring it up at your meetings - and see what the "old-timers" have to say about it. Lots of us try to keep one (ever so itty-bitty) outlet open for chemical escape when things get rough... but we learn eventually, that just doesn't work. We are sabotaging any progress. And - we are likely to be just dooming ourselves to go backwards, to our drug of choice. When a mood-altering, addictive drug is in our system, all bets are off.

    Additionally, as long as you are continuing to use an addictive substance, your brain chemistry is not going to heal. Our brain's normal processing with it's powerful seratonin and dopamine (the things that regulate your moods) - does not occur until we stop chemicals. Until you are completely clean, there is no way to know IF you need any SSRI or other prescription for normal brain functioning. You haven't experienced your "norm" yet! And yes, the pot will interfere with how the SSRIs work.

    You've been doing so well, and I really want to see you succeed!!!

    Hope you have a great day... if you plan your day around a meeting, it will be!

    God bless,
    Ruth
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    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  18. #18
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Cool

    Ruth
    I quit smoking weed when I quit the oxys, I'm done with everything. I have been clean! I know where pot leads and the ill affects it has on me. I figured it out this time. Pot was causing me more anxiety,I tested that early in my wds. It made me feel worse. I think pot has been causing me anxiety for the last 18 years, It is also a trigger to use. I'm being extremely honest with myself. Pot was causing problems and I didn't relize until I got clean this time. So please don't think I'm not listening I am. You have been very instumental in my sucess so far,thus I don't want you to have i'll thoughts of me.Thats why I'm not running to any kind of meds for my anxiety,drinking a cup of sleepy time right now. I have stopped taking all Thomas recipe ingrdients. I only take Centrum Silver and a time release B6. I know it takes time to feel better. I post my feelings for therapudic reasons. I'm getting clean for me. I also know I can't unbrake the windows I've smashed. Peoplewill see the changes in me, and respect me for it. It is already happening. My son and namesake hasn't spoken to me since July. He returned to colledge without a word. At Christmas he wouldn't even talk to me. It nearly killed me. But when I sent him a genuine email not a blame game email, he called me. Hell he even came to see me,and we exchanged christmas presents last week. So I see already the miricals part of being clean. I have surrendered TOTALLY! I'm moving forward not backwards. These feelings are new and scary,but I welcome them. Its me coming back. I just wonder how others coped with the anxiety.

    Reid thanks for the encouragement, one foot infront of the other,second by second minute by minute hour by hour day by day. I'm not looking for an easy way out,just a way out.

    Hugs to both for posting. oltom meeting at noon
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-04-2013 at 09:40 AM.
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    Nanuq is offline Junior Member
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    Oltom, I read your thread..and all I can say is WOW. I just "feel" you so much in your posts. I get it you truly want this. Your post how to called NA and the guy called you back..then going to the meeting and crying like a baby..I could just visulize this as if I was there.. You moved me and I wasnt even at the meeting! lol

    Reading your post was better than the meeting I actually went to last night! lol

    Just wanted to post to let you know you are in my prayers (adding you to my list). I see you stopped the Thomas Rec. You had asked me a couple questions on that. ..it is a learning experience..this ENTIRE process is theraputic and huge learning experience of what to do, and what to not do. Im just grateful to be on the learning from it side, and not the "continue to hit my head on the wall" side....ya know what they say about the definition of insanity..."to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result". LOVE that truth! Many blessings to you as you change for the BETTER!!!

    Anyway, thanks for your thread. I will continue to read as you inspire me.

  20. #20
    Nanuq is offline Junior Member
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    BTW, Ruth, I read your comments on the drama "SD" thread...WOW..times 10000. You have such wisdom and insight. Everything you say is so "directional". Always makes sense and people learn from it. BTW, what you mentioned to Oltom about speaking in circles..OMG..that is what I have been doing ever since I started Sub. I talk (and write) in circles. I am so looking forward to getting my brain back..even somewhat of what it was like before. I can just see my daughter (for example) tune me out when I get on a tangit..I can tell (myself anyway) it is alot to do with the way Sub affects me. Atleast I think it has. I never used to be this bad. So I truly related to what you said. Anyway, thank you for sharing your wisdom on so many threads. You are truly amazing (just like Cheeky).

  21. #21
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Nanuq, I'm glad I could come across clearly. Sometimes I read my post over and over,to make sure I'm not babbling. Thats what it feels like sometimes. I have just totally surendered. I have also been in AA meetings in the past and didn't work the program just listened,never shared. I was young and dumb. Its really true wisdom comes with age. I went to the meeting today that I went to on Friday,and ask the gentleman that runs it to be my sponsor. He agreed yipy ki a! I'm using my past expierience with AA as a model of what not to do. And its making it so much easier. I go early and stay late. I didn't relize I was such a talker.Like my mom rest her soul. My mom passed at the age I am now 53, young way too young. I really miss her. Anyway thank you for the kind words, Hell I would like to thank everyone that has posted what I have read here. Its affirmed what I always new I'm an addict.

    oltom "and this too shall pass"
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  22. #22
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    just checking in to tell you how proud I am of you and your progress! keep it up and now is your time to stack some clean time with the foundation you are building.. We are all rooting for you. Reid

  23. #23
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Hello all, day 16 and I'm still at it. I had a ?????? morning,today but this too shall pass. Went to the noon meeting and got a dose of reality. I'm worried about money,and a home group member,may have liver cancer. I would like to ask anyone that reads this to say a prayer for Robert,from the Cuse. It really hit home as my mom died of liver cancer. It also hit home that my issues pale in comparison. Meetings do that for people. My wife stopped by last night to help me set up internet bill paying. Thats when I realized I'm sending out more than is coming in. But I didn't want her to see me worried,so my panic attack came this morning. It wasn't very pleasent,and that little guy in my head started to wisper. At that point I called my sponsor,no answer. So I called a guy that gave me a 6th edition NA book yesterday. No answer. So I went out and put my plow on my truck,went to store and post office. On my way home my brother called me,thank god. We talked for a while, I made some cheesy eggs,and my sponsor called. We talked,he said come to the meeting before the meeting. So I left for noon meeting at 10:30. Go early stay late. I have done all suggestions on the back of the schedule,under phone numbers, Don't use go to meetings
    Go early stay late
    Ask for & use phone numbers
    Avoid p,p,and things
    89 in 90 (missed a meeting saturday)
    Get and use sponsor
    Join homegroup
    keep coming back-it works
    I'm doing what I should and things are excuscuratingly slow. But I'm still puttin one foot infront of the other. Thats about all I can do at this point in time. I'm finished weining,going to read a chapter in my NA book 6 times and try to comprehend it. (oh i'm done doing that)Have a goodnight everyone,and God Bless NA. Oltom

  24. #24
    dago77 is offline Senior Member
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    What's up, Oltom.

    I'm an operator, too. I saw you mention running equipment in one of your posts and smiled.

    Listen man...things will get better soon. Everyone's head is all over the place for a while. You have to keep pushing for now. The head stuff stuck with me for a while. It starts to calm down and things get easier to manage. Try to just worry about yourself for now. Just worry about...one day at a time. When your head clears up you will be able to handle the wife, money all of it. Things get better, dude. You are in the fog right now. It happens.

    Last thing, you can't worry about how you think you should be feeling on whatever day you're on. I know it sucks and some days you feel like you're going backwards. Everyone is different but it just takes time. Just keep doing what you're doing. You're more than half way to one month! Keep piling them up, one day at a time. Get to 30 days and there will be a new Oltom posting here. Gauntee it.

    Ryan

  25. #25
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you for the words of incouragement, Supposed to put my house up for sale 4-1 I hope I feel better. All I can do is make it to a meeting today. Its really foggy,as you mentioned. Thank again oltom

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    Bluetears is offline Banned
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    Hi Oltom,
    I'm new here, and just read some of ur posts. U r so strong, I admire people like u! I'm so scared to stop, I don't know if I can handle this. Today was my first attempt and I failed after just 6 hrs. I am so disappointed with myself, I want to be strong like u! U write about NA meetings and how much they help u. I am desperate for help (please if u have a min read my story) and I want to see if I can go to these meetings while still using?
    U r doing such a good job, keep it up! I don't know u but I'm proud of u!!!
    Thanks for ur time.

  27. #27
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Bluerears...You can definetly go to meetings if your still using...just as long as you have a sincere desire to QUIT!!!! Give it a go...just might save your life, and be the Spark you need to join the winning side!! Good luck My Friend!! Stay Strong...and get back Your Life!!!!

  28. #28
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Sorry bout that BlueTears...not Rears..oh well..happens...eh???

  29. #29
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Hey blue,
    I read your thread,and posted my thoughts,yes you can go to meetings now. You do have a desire to quit. I really don't consider myself a strong person,just very desperate. If I didn't get clean I was going to DIE. And probably by my own hand. 18 days ago I made the descision to live. Now its your turn to make a decsion. You talk about strong,I'll tell you who is strong. My wife,she left 3 weeks before Christmas,after 25 years of marrage. I can't imagine how hard that was for her. Anyway I can't un break the windows I smashed. I can only not use today and go to a meeting. Good luck oltom

  30. #30
    oltom is offline Junior Member
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    Hello all

    Today is day 18,I can't even keep that straight sometimes. As you know I have been having wicked anxiety. Well I'm pleased to tell you my anxiety dropped about 75%. I'm getting better,thanks to NA. and the addicts that came before me,that were there for me when no one else could be. I LOVE IT. I genuinely believe they saved my life,and for this I'm truly grateful. I also include those that helped me here on the boards. You guided me into the process. I didn't say through because I have just begun. I have much to be grateful for,but could not see that 2 days ago.I was focusing on the negatives in my life. I was talking to a guy after the meeting and was telling him about my kids,that I'm so proud of. And he said man you have alot to be grateful for. EEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR the brakes where slammed on in my mind. Atleast thats how I felt, I have had less anxiety since he made that statement to me. I don't know if its part of the process or part of the program. I really don't care all I know is I'm feeling better CLEAN.As I look back at my thread, I can tell by the language used when people hear spoke to me,you are also involved in the program of NA and you will always have a special place in my Heart. To me meetings are the key,to unlock the misery. I will try to post something about my feelings everyday good or bad. If someone hears one word that clicks,as I did,then that will be good.

    Gratefully recovering oltom
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