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Hit my Breaking Point Support Needed
  1. #1
    lmarie555 is offline New Member
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    Default Hit my Breaking Point Support Needed

    Hello! I found this site like I am sure many others do, researching addition and relationships with an addict. I have never spilled all, to anyone and I need to get it all out there to people who really understand and don't judge. This will probably be long so I apologize in advance.

    I won't go into gory detail about my own battle with pills. I was very fond of Roxys and my boyfriend was too. He used a lot more than I did but that doesn't really matter an addict is an addict. When I got pregnant with my son I stopped immediately. No pills, no cigs and there were no withdrawals. The extreme morning sickness is what I have to thank for that I think, I was so sick to my stomach all the time just the thought of a pill or cig grossed me out. I tried to get my bf to stop too but he didn't slow down.

    Not long before my son was born he finally decided he needed help and started on Suboxone. Not long after my son was born for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I needed a pill so bad it was like I never stopped, like it felt when I took pills daily. They were giving me 5mg percs the hospital after birth for extreme stomach pains which to me was like a Tylenol but maybe just that little bit was what fueled that fire again. When that 1 bottle of percs was gone it wasn't long before I felt like I was going through withdrawals. I was surprised at how sick I felt, it was only 1 prescription and they were low mg but it still felt like it did back when I was taking several daily and then had none. I don't know if I would have started having such strong cravings had I not taken the meds, had I revealed I was an addict in recovery and asked for something else without opiates. Instead of going back to that life of always searching for pills, blowing every penny on them I took a small piece of Suboxone thinking if it helped my boyfriend with his addiction it might save me from a total relapse. That was 7 years ago

    Today I take Suboxone daily and have for 7 years. I tried very hard at first not to but it really helped me to stay away from pills and I wasn't feeling sick anymore. In my area Suboxone treatment is very expensive. Without great insurance it costs sometimes more than the pills with the hundreds for just 1 appt and the script. We could only afford for 1 of us to be in the clinic and my bf was already all set up there so he saw the dr and got the script and we both stayed off pills for the past 7 years without any slips. Well, me at least I don't know about him.

    A few months ago I started to notice he was acting strange. A trip to the store would be hours and hours, he was nodding out, moody. He started sleeping literally all day on the weekends. He told me he thought it was the K pins. He used to take those once in a while and I almost walked, he was a total jerk when he was taking those and his psychiatrist put him on them a while back. I knew he was taking something but wasn't sure what it was. I knew he was lying to me about where he was when he said the store, about taking something, and he also stole money from me and started stealing my adderol pills. Before my refill was due I was running out earlier and earlier and I take those exactly as prescribed never extra. I have narcolepsy and not having my meds could be deadly when it comes to driving but he still did it. At first he said I must have spilled them, but I know better. I had to start hiding them.

    About 3 weeks ago I went in the bathroom and found out the truth. There was a needle left on the toilet. He has been shooting up. I was livid, not only doing that under the same roof with the children but what if they had got hold of that needle? He told me he has his strips, he wasn't addicted and I have heard a few times now that he was going to stop. Things are only getting worse and I need to make some tough choices that will not only change my life drastically but also would entail coming off Suboxone at what is one of the most stressful times in my life.

    My life lately has been hell. He is moody, sleeps all weekend, and has no money leaving me totally broke trying to keep afloat without losing my home and having things shut off. Last weekend he kept asking me for money to get gas and cigs and told me he had none because he had paid the rent. That's a large bill I get it but I found out a couple days ago when the landlord messaged me that it was not really paid.

    We went to camp last weekend and he left early Monday morning supposedly to work. I couldn't fit everything in my car to come home and we had my mom that needed a ride so he was supposed to come with his car. It was a school night and getting late and 20 minutes turned into hours with it being really late before he got there so we could leave. He needed gas money to get back there so I know he didn't really work. I could tell looking at the bed he was sleeping. That night I walked to the basement and found him using. I took off in the car, the kids were sleeping in the back. I realized I had nowhere to go with 2 kids that had school and I went home and I couldn't make him leave after seeing that, if he were to drive someone could be hurt or killed.

    Looking back I see I have been enabling in many ways. I should have never given him money after knowing the truth. I should not have said we were through and to get out then not go through with it. He has been sleeping in the basement and down there a lot so I am turning a blind eye. I'm an addict myself so I know I can't make him choose us over the drugs, it must be him. I know I can't live like this anymore, the questioning, wondering if he is using down there, being treated badly and let down just so he can use. I need to set boundaries and if they are crossed follow through and make him leave, I know this but I am afraid. I have not followed through, my threats of leaving him have been empty so I feel like he will probably not take them seriously, this is my fault for not following through to begin with. Deep in my heart I know what his choice will be and right now it will be drugs. If he leaves I can't pay the rent alone with everything else. My kids risk not having a home. He is their world, it will be me seeing their heartbreak while he is off in lala land. It will also mean that under the greatest stress in my entire life I will need to stop taking Suboxone and do things cold turkey. I refuse to take pills again ever but the thought of going off under these circumstances after 7 years is scary. I can't take time off work to get through the worst, I need to care for the kids they will have only me here. He was kicked from the program due to his drug use and I think he is doing only that and not taking Suboxone anymore. For me to have any entails giving him money to get it and one of my boundaries will need to be NO money. I know he would lie and inflate how much they would be and use the rest for drugs and when my boundaries are communicated I cannot waiver.

    As much as I want to get into the program myself and taper under a doctor's care to do this the right way there is absolutely no way I could afford it especially if I have to take on all of the bills alone, I already don't have enough for that. So, if I want to do what I know must be done for myself and my children the Subs will also have to go,

    I will be asking that he turn on location sharing on the phone, no use under this roof, no drugs in this house, no money period he spends his that's it, and if he doesn't do those things to build trust again and I see him looking impaired or find any evidence that he is using here he will need to leave immediately. In some ways I feel like a hypocrite. I realize that even though I take a couple of small pieces of a sub a few times a day to maintain and stay away from pills I do not have a script for it but every time he uses that needle he is risking death from an overdose and my kids need to be protected from finding their father like that.

    Anyway, sorry for the book. Any thoughts or advice you all have would be greatly appreciated. I am trying best I can to mentally and emotionally prepare for what lies ahead.
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  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome!

    What a mess and I'm sorry. Your post was long but I had no trouble getting through it so please bear with me because it needs a lengthy answer. I can identify with so much of what you've shared and so I can honestly say, it sux!! Where do I start?

    I guess I can skip all of the standard stuff because I can see that you already know it and I don't have to repeat it. OK Let's start with boundaries. I think you're past the boundary stage. It made me cringe when you said one of the boundaries would be no more money. He had his and that's it. What?!? No! He has children and he's an adult. His money is not his money. Do you get to spend your paycheck on yourself? I doubt that. Frankly, if you weren't paying the majority of the bills (you didn't say but I'm guessing this is true) you could afford to go to a sub doctor yourself--or at least come closer to being able to afford it than you can now. This is total BS. If he's using the subs, you know as well as I do that he's using them in-between shooting so that he doesn't get sick. He's not using them for the reasons he should. PLUS didn't you say that he got booted for a dirty screen? If you decide to try and make things work out with him, well it's your turn to go get the subs and he can either nibble off of yours or figure something else out. Stop worrying about what it is that he's going to do because the writing is on the wall. Tell him that you're going to get the subs from now on and he can figure the rest out himself. You're just as entitled to be in a program as he is. In fact more so seeing how he's off the rails right now. Stop putting yourself second and take care of you.

    I know it's scary to imagine being a single mom BUT it's doable. It just is. How many kids do you have and how old are they? I don't always suggest this but I'm going to this time. Either get him out of the house or leave yourself. Will your Mom help temporarily? Go to the state for assistance. You just might qualify for help with daycare, housing assistance, food stamps, and the list goes on. There is no shame in accepting help when you really need it and you really need it. If you can't do this for yourself, then do it for your kids. You don't want them around this or him, Maybe losing his family will be his rock bottom. I wouldn't count on that and wouldn't do it hoping it will be his rock bottom. I'm just saying it might be. Don't be disappointed if it isn't, it's the nature of the beast. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or the kids, it means he's an addict and he's in deep. Once that happens, he needs his drugs as badly as he needs air, This isn't an excuse because we know he can do something about it but it has to be on his timeline and not yours. Enough of him. Please seriously consider what you need to do to get out of there. I know asking for our mothers' help is usually the last thing we want to do but this is a matter of survival and the health of your children.

    Now for your sub situation. How many mgs/day are you currently taking? If you can figure out a way to get your own script, and depending upon how much your're taking now, it may be possible to get enough subs with one script and do a proper taper and be done. I know it's expensive but honestly, I can't think of another way out. It would mean you'd need enough money for the appointment and maybe as few as one or two scripts. If this means you have to beg or borrow the money, it's what you need to save yourself and your kids. Think of it this way. If I were to tell you that if you could come up with $1,000 I could get you enough subs and a fool proof method to taper off of them, would you try to find a way to come up with that money? That's the deal and once you stop helping to support your husband, you're going to have a little more money right there. I think that $1,000 would cover a couple of visits to the sub doctor and the two scripts. Again, depending upon how much you're taking, that might be more than enough.

    Don't feel like a hypocrite. First of all, it's a waste of energy. More importantly, what you're doing is a far cry from what he is doing. Are you an addict? Yep. Am I an addict? Yep. I'm in recovery and I suspect you would be too if you could find a way but once someone has taken subs for even a short period of time, it's not as easy to quit. If you were taking ordinary opiates, no problem. I'd tell you to put your big girl pants on and get sick for a week and get it over with. This is different. You do have some choices. They aren't easy and I don't mean to imply that they are.

    Back to boundaries. You said you've set them before but couldn't enforce them. Join the club. Actions speak louder than words. If I were you, I wouldn't give any more ultimatums. I would speak with someone you trust and then I would ask for help. Heaven knows that you need it right now. Find out if you have someone who can loan you some money and make an appointment to get your own script for subs. Do the research to figure out what kind of assistance is available to you and what you would qualify for. Go and speak with them and begin to apply. Tell Prince Charming that the gig is up and that he has to leave the house. He knows that he has you by the short hairs because you need his subs but once that is taken out of the equation, the game changes considerably.

    Get yourself well. It will become somewhat easier to deal with everything else when things settle down. I do know the thoughts that are going through your head. You're thinking that if you ask for help, you're going to have to explain what's going on both with your husband and with you. UGH. It's scary as h*ll but once you do it, your burden will be so much lighter and solutions will begin to come into sight. I can't promise you much but what I can promise you is that the people who love you will fall all over themselves to help you. I'm guessing that your husband using is not going to be a surprise to most of the people who know him. It rarely is. We just think we're good at keeping it a secret but it's usually not a secret at all. It's just uncomfortable for the people who care about you to sit you down and tell you they know what's going on. No one wants to do it so we usually avoid it but if you go to them, they will be relieved and will want to help you however they can.

    Something has got to give. This is no way to live, The solutions aren't easy, but there are solutions. I should add that I didn't nor would I advise you to run to court and file for a divorce. That's the least of it. Do what you have to do to get the drugs out of your house and to figure out what assistance you can get so that you can take care of your kids. Find the money to get those subs. You sound very ready to put this behind you and you can if listen to folks here who will help you with a proper taper that won't put you down and out. All of what I described is possible as soon as you take the first step.

    I hope you post soon. Please let us know how much sub you are taking per day and we can figure out pretty closely how long it will take you to complete the taper plan and how much sub you'll need to do it.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    AND you thought your post was long! Ha!
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  4. #4
    lmarie555 is offline New Member
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    Thank you! I'm a very wordy person, my boss always laughs about it :-)

    I take 2-3 mg per day so half to 3 quarters of 1 4 mg strip. From what I have read I don't think that is very high but man if I go without for even a day I feel it! I know that the half life is long so I can't even imagine what day 3 would feel like jumping cold turkey after 7 years. I think that the way I feel is more mental than physical for me if I am not able to take it at the usual time in the morning and have to get by until that evening. I do think I probably could stretch 1 prescription quite a ways to do a proper taper.

    My mom knows about him using and some other things he has done but she does not know that I have been taking subs. She also does not know about my addiction to pills and just how bad it was. She is a recovering alcoholic and got herself into major trouble a few years back, her husband also had enough and left so she knows addiction well but she was always making comments about him spending his money on the dr appts.and scripts. When she talks about her addiction history it is an ugly disease and she was sick, which is true but she casts stones at others when they are no different.

    You are totally right about what you said about the money. I don't spend anything on myself I had my 1st child young, barely 19 years old and I just turned 39. I have 4 total, 2 with my ex and 2 with my current bf. I have spent so much of my life putting others before myself that until recently I didn't realize I was doing it. Finding that needle didn't quite do it for me, my eyes didn't completely open until I actually saw it in his arm. That was my moment of clarity, all of the manipulation became crystal. He pays the rent and I pay all utilities childcare and for my own personal vehicle. All this time he has played the victim like he is so broke and I don't help him out because the rent is 1 large lump sum bill but added together what I am paying amounts to almost everything. Heck, he didn't even actually pay the rent. The day I found the needle I would not allow him to pick up the kids from daycare and he got mad at me for not trusting him to drive with them.

    I do think he feels he has me stuck because of the Suboxone. I cut ties long ago with everyone that could get it or any type of pills. Around here they tend to me one and the same. My town has the highest number of overdose deaths in the past couple of years in the state but the number of doctors that can prescribe Suboxone is small--- just 1. We have 1 of the bigger clinics that my BF went to half hour away and other than that I think there are only 3 others that are less than an hours drive. Last week I reached out to the local doc to see if they are taking new patients and he said they are but they require a referral from a primary care or the ER saying you are in dire condition. I don't have a primary and the ER would not say I was by looking at me because I am not withdrawing. I am going to reach out to the others to at least get some more information and see exactly what all of my options are. I have been the classic closet addict, even opening up to a doctor I don't know is so hard for me but I am getting stronger by the day and none of this is going to be easy, I need to just put on those big girl panties and do the things I haven't had to before. It's either that or continue to have the life sucked out of me until there is nothing left which does not sound at all appealing.

    So far today I have looked for signs every time he comes up from the basement and he has seemed sober so far but some guy was here last night and 2 times today talking outside that I don't know. I am sitting here shaking my head even reading that because I know I should not have to do that. I should not have to walk by the door every so often and call down just to make sure I get a response back. Seeing these things and knowing is only half the battle though, the hardest part is the doing. I feel like I am there though, ready to take my life back. I wish that didn't entail feeling like my other half has died, it really feels similar. I don't love this man that is squatting in my basement but I love the man I know he can be, the part of him that the drugs have taken away.

    Financially if my mom could she would give me all the money in the world but she is on social security now and she's waiting on section 8 to go through so she doesn't have anything I could even borrow. My dad was taken off work and had to get heart surgery recently so I don't have anyone I can turn to for temporary help to get back on my feet. I am planning on going to some meetings to help me at least with the mental support I need and I'm hoping that if I speak there it will help me be able to talk more openly about my own struggles with addiction, I think that wall needs to come down

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I have read so many message boards and this is the one that really got me to take a good long look at the ugly truth and see things for what they really are. The people here are up front and honest and don't give false hope or say what someone wants to hear and after making my first post I felt great stepping out from lurking in the shadows
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  5. #5
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by lmarie555 View Post
    Thank you! I'm a very wordy person, my boss always laughs about it :-)

    I take 2-3 mg per day so half to 3 quarters of 1 4 mg strip. From what I have read I don't think that is very high but man if I go without for even a day I feel it! I know that the half life is long so I can't even imagine what day 3 would feel like jumping cold turkey after 7 years. I think that the way I feel is more mental than physical for me if I am not able to take it at the usual time in the morning and have to get by until that evening. I do think I probably could stretch 1 prescription quite a ways to do a proper taper.

    My mom knows about him using and some other things he has done but she does not know that I have been taking subs. She also does not know about my addiction to pills and just how bad it was. She is a recovering alcoholic and got herself into major trouble a few years back, her husband also had enough and left so she knows addiction well but she was always making comments about him spending his money on the dr appts.and scripts. When she talks about her addiction history it is an ugly disease and she was sick, which is true but she casts stones at others when they are no different.

    You are totally right about what you said about the money. I don't spend anything on myself I had my 1st child young, barely 19 years old and I just turned 39. I have 4 total, 2 with my ex and 2 with my current bf. I have spent so much of my life putting others before myself that until recently I didn't realize I was doing it. Finding that needle didn't quite do it for me, my eyes didn't completely open until I actually saw it in his arm. That was my moment of clarity, all of the manipulation became crystal. He pays the rent and I pay all utilities childcare and for my own personal vehicle. All this time he has played the victim like he is so broke and I don't help him out because the rent is 1 large lump sum bill but added together what I am paying amounts to almost everything. Heck, he didn't even actually pay the rent. The day I found the needle I would not allow him to pick up the kids from daycare and he got mad at me for not trusting him to drive with them.

    I do think he feels he has me stuck because of the Suboxone. I cut ties long ago with everyone that could get it or any type of pills. Around here they tend to me one and the same. My town has the highest number of overdose deaths in the past couple of years in the state but the number of doctors that can prescribe Suboxone is small--- just 1. We have 1 of the bigger clinics that my BF went to half hour away and other than that I think there are only 3 others that are less than an hours drive. Last week I reached out to the local doc to see if they are taking new patients and he said they are but they require a referral from a primary care or the ER saying you are in dire condition. I don't have a primary and the ER would not say I was by looking at me because I am not withdrawing. I am going to reach out to the others to at least get some more information and see exactly what all of my options are. I have been the classic closet addict, even opening up to a doctor I don't know is so hard for me but I am getting stronger by the day and none of this is going to be easy, I need to just put on those big girl panties and do the things I haven't had to before. It's either that or continue to have the life sucked out of me until there is nothing left which does not sound at all appealing.

    So far today I have looked for signs every time he comes up from the basement and he has seemed sober so far but some guy was here last night and 2 times today talking outside that I don't know. I am sitting here shaking my head even reading that because I know I should not have to do that. I should not have to walk by the door every so often and call down just to make sure I get a response back. Seeing these things and knowing is only half the battle though, the hardest part is the doing. I feel like I am there though, ready to take my life back. I wish that didn't entail feeling like my other half has died, it really feels similar. I don't love this man that is squatting in my basement but I love the man I know he can be, the part of him that the drugs have taken away.

    Financially if my mom could she would give me all the money in the world but she is on social security now and she's waiting on section 8 to go through so she doesn't have anything I could even borrow. My dad was taken off work and had to get heart surgery recently so I don't have anyone I can turn to for temporary help to get back on my feet. I am planning on going to some meetings to help me at least with the mental support I need and I'm hoping that if I speak there it will help me be able to talk more openly about my own struggles with addiction, I think that wall needs to come down

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I have read so many message boards and this is the one that really got me to take a good long look at the ugly truth and see things for what they really are. The people here are up front and honest and don't give false hope or say what someone wants to hear and after making my first post I felt great stepping out from lurking in the shadows
    Good Morning,

    Don't fool yourself. 2-3 mg/day of sub is still a hefty dose. Estimates are that subs are about 30 times stronger than morphine. Plus, as you know, the half life is long so there's a stacking effect so that at any one point you have far more in your system than what you've taken today. It's not impossible to jump from subs at the dose you are at, but it won't be pretty and the symptoms are likely to last for several weeks. If you can't miss work and you obviously have lots of responsibility for your kids, I think you need to figure out how to get your own script and do a taper. If you follow the taper recommended here, it will take you around 6 weeks to complete and be ready to jump. You should taper down to a daily dose of .25mg or less per day. One thing you can do immediately, and I highly recommend it, is to begin to be consistent with your daily dose. If you can get by with 2, then don't take more and take it at the same time(s) everyday. At this point, you can split your dose taking 1mg in the morning and the other 1mg around 10 hours later. It's important to be consistent with both the amount you're taking and the time of day you're taking it. You shouldn't be dosing more than twice a day. The half life is long so it's not necessary and it's addict behavior, something that needs to be broken. Most sub doctors are going to want you to start at a much higher dose than what you're taking and that's perfectly OK. Get as many of them as you can but don't take the dose they tell you to take. I wouldn't be surprised if you were prescribed 8mg/day or even more. Stay quiet and accept that, just don't take that much. That will leave you plenty of extra and you might be able to finish a taper with one script but most definitely with two.

    I'm sorry that your Mom and Dad aren't in a place that they can help you and I'm especially sorry that your Mom has that holier than thou attitude. Nothing much you can do about that. Yes. Get to a meeting because at least there you will find support. Give those people a chance because someone will be willing to listen to your predicament without passing judgement. Sometimes we find the resources we need in the oddest places. Call or go into a State Office to see what benefits you might be able to get. Be as open as you can with them so that they see the urgency of having to do something about your living situation. Bit by bit if you keep at it, you'll find the resources and help that you need.

    I know how easy it is to just go day to day and let things happen. Soon, days turn into years and this will gobble you up. I'm glad that even posting here helped you. I know it helped me and likely saved my life. Secrets are poison. The more you sit up and take notice of what your bf is doing, the more unhappy and unsettled you're going to become. Frustration turns into resentment and it's hard to come back from that.

    I'll repeat what I suggested in my first post--your bf doesn't need the subs because he's not using them the way he should. You do! Take the money that would be used for his appointment and to fill the script and use it for yourself. I know how expensive it is but you're already paying for it for him (waste of money!) so go for yourself. Tell him you did what you needed to do and suggest that he do whatever it is that he needs to do. Detach with love. Look around and decide that your priority is you and your kids. It's past time that you begin to put that first.

    Keep posting! Make those phone calls. Reach out for help and you'll be directed to the resources you need. The more independent you become, the more confident you'll get and things will begin to fall into place. You have to take that first step though or no progress will be made.

    Peace,

    Cat

  6. #6
    Svetochek is offline Junior Member
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    Cat said everything that I would have said to you! Make a decision that is good for you and your kids! They only have one mom! I was very scared to do it on my own! But I wanted to be in control of my own life and make my own decisions instead of letting my now ex do it for me. I was very scared! I'm from another country and have been in the United States for only over 10 years and I had no idea how to get help with housing or food stamps but I knew I couldn't allow the man I once loved to be in control anymore. I did get a divorce and am on my own now. Yes, it's very scary. I don't have small children but I have 20 y.o daughter who is going through college and those tuition are very expensive!
    I'm trying to taper off suboxone myself now but I'm at the point of just stopping cold turkey... it's been dragging for too long for me. I'm taking.75 mg and might try to just stop sometime this week and see how I can handle this...
    good luck and hang in there!
    Lana

  7. #7
    lmarie555 is offline New Member
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    Thank you all for your replies! I'm working on what I call the get my life back to do list today. It will probably take a while for my heart and head to be in the same place if that makes sense. I've been with him for 11 years in all so it's hard to imagine him not being there but I remind myself he's really already been gone for months now and the man in his place isn't who I fell in love with

    My list so far includes calling each of the clinics for information so I can choose which one is best to try and get my own prescription and move forward from there. Biggest road block there is money. Right now rent is behind because of that lie water and electric payments need to be made and my car payment is next week ugh. I'm falling behind because of his money not going where it should. I already have a case with human services the kids are on Medicaid and I can add programs to apply for but the eligibility for most of them looks like I might be just over but I'll try. I'm fortunate to have a job that pays at least decent but the programs don't take into account most of the expenses that come out of my check. The cost of living around here keeps going up but pay remains the same. I'll figure something out because I have to

    Im going to attend my first meeting next week and I'm looking forward to that a lot. I feel stronger just knowing there will be support to help me through especially for days I will probably not feel so determined or strong.

    This coming week will also include ripping the band aid off so to speak. I will be speaking to him and he will have to leave. I just don't see another option right now. He says he can just stop everything with just his scripts for k pins and help from his psychiatrist and I know it's not that simple. If it were none of us would be here. For the first time today he actually got home at the time he was supposed to and I haven't seen signs of using but I don't want to let these little things start to cloud my vision.

    Theee is a really old thread here that's one of my favorites. 20 months quitting Suboxone cold turkey. It doesn't look like the poster is still active and I would really love to know how he's doing today. He was so strong and determined. Even on low days he didn't give in and that's so inspiring.

  8. #8
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    I've been where you are and I suspect many of us have in terms of not enough money to go around. Call the water and electric companies and ask for some time. If you stay in contact with them and follow through with any arrangements you have made, they will work with you. It's when you avoid them that things get ugly.

    Sounds like you're beginning to think about what you need to do and that's good. Don't become complacent because your bf appeared OK the other day. That's a mistake I made with my son soooo many times. And I know better! If an addict is actively using, they can't and don't just stop. You know this too. Maybe he took a sub to hold him over. That would explain why he looked OK and wasn't sick but this doesn't address the root problem. No news to you but I also know that all we need is a crumb of hope and we will lay everything on it. Ugh.

    Keep posting and good luck. Begin to make those calls today.

    Peace,

    Cat

  9. #9
    lmarie555 is offline New Member
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    I'll be making a long detailed post on my work break but I wanted to quickly say this is it, today's the day. I'm sticking to my guns not backing down and it's the hardest day of my life. Things happened last night and it was left out I took it and he's desperate. I told him no one understands better than another addict how bad getting sick is but I know what I have to do and even if he hates me now hopefully he will be around to see that I have to let him fall and it's up to him if he gets back up. I can either be there at the ER holding his hand or if he uses I won't be there at all. There is no promises just till Thursday not anymore
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  10. #10
    Svetochek is offline Junior Member
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    Fingers crossed for you, my dear! Do what you have to do and let the Lord guide you and be with you during the process!

  11. #11
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by lmarie555 View Post
    I'll be making a long detailed post on my work break but I wanted to quickly say this is it, today's the day. I'm sticking to my guns not backing down and it's the hardest day of my life. Things happened last night and it was left out I took it and he's desperate. I told him no one understands better than another addict how bad getting sick is but I know what I have to do and even if he hates me now hopefully he will be around to see that I have to let him fall and it's up to him if he gets back up. I can either be there at the ER holding his hand or if he uses I won't be there at all. There is no promises just till Thursday not anymore
    Oh Boy. I'll watch for you to post later. Sorry you're having to go through this but it will work out one way or the other. What is your priority? Right! You and your kids. That's where you start.

    Peace,

    Cat

  12. #12
    lmarie555 is offline New Member
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    Work was crazy I'm just now getting a chance to hop on.

    Well, yesterday I spent a fair amount of time thinking on everything I wanted to say to him. Really there wasn't a lot, all boiled down to these are the things I need for myself and if you aren't ready to fully commit to getting well you need to leave. I over think things I suppose. At first I thought I would get things for myself in order first but I decided I need to say these things now no waiting but things didn't go as planned, instead I thought he was going to die

    I heard my son telling him to get up over and over and rushed downstairs. I was screaming his name top of my lungs and no response his mouth was moving strangely. I screamed for my 17 year old to go get her brother out of there and ran for my phone to call 911 but he snapped out of it before I dialed. He was grouchy and got mad when I didn't trust him with the kids while I drove my older daughter to her dads. I saw a grey box there and he wasn't paying attention so I grabbed it and his drugs were inside.

    It was getting late at that point so we took her back and I went right to bed after so this morning I told him this is it. I told him that I love him but he has put the kids in danger and I will protect them at all costs. I told him I realize I can't make him get well if he doesn't want it for himself and I described in detail what I saw last night

    First it was sorry appointment Thursday he's seeing his sub dr blah blah and then of course the moment I was waiting for did I take that box. He just needs it so he can function till Thursday and he won't have it in the house. told him I took it and I know getting sick like that is awful but I will not be giving it to him, they will not be in the house and if he uses he won't be either. I expected maybe anger begging head games trying everything to get it back but instead I got what sounded like a real sorry, the look of shame as he thought about everything I said. He told me he's going to feel really sick for a while at least until Thursday when he has the appt.

    I know he could tell I was serious that unless he chooses to stop using and get well today we wouldn't be in his life. Right now he's sick as a dog hasn't even looked to see if I maybe just hid his stash. I told him if it feels too much be honest tell me and I will take him to the ER for help.

    I'm not fooling myself, I don't think everything will be ok and he is going to go through the withdrawal and get back on the program just because he said so and he's def not had anything today. It could happen but I won't believe it without some very very hard work under his belt. I do feel better though. I said what I had to say, meant every word and I know now I will follow through. Im going to play some minecraft with the little guy and get some sleep it's been a draining day
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  13. #13
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by lmarie555 View Post
    Work was crazy I'm just now getting a chance to hop on.

    Well, yesterday I spent a fair amount of time thinking on everything I wanted to say to him. Really there wasn't a lot, all boiled down to these are the things I need for myself and if you aren't ready to fully commit to getting well you need to leave. I over think things I suppose. At first I thought I would get things for myself in order first but I decided I need to say these things now no waiting but things didn't go as planned, instead I thought he was going to die

    I heard my son telling him to get up over and over and rushed downstairs. I was screaming his name top of my lungs and no response his mouth was moving strangely. I screamed for my 17 year old to go get her brother out of there and ran for my phone to call 911 but he snapped out of it before I dialed. He was grouchy and got mad when I didn't trust him with the kids while I drove my older daughter to her dads. I saw a grey box there and he wasn't paying attention so I grabbed it and his drugs were inside.

    It was getting late at that point so we took her back and I went right to bed after so this morning I told him this is it. I told him that I love him but he has put the kids in danger and I will protect them at all costs. I told him I realize I can't make him get well if he doesn't want it for himself and I described in detail what I saw last night

    First it was sorry appointment Thursday he's seeing his sub dr blah blah and then of course the moment I was waiting for did I take that box. He just needs it so he can function till Thursday and he won't have it in the house. told him I took it and I know getting sick like that is awful but I will not be giving it to him, they will not be in the house and if he uses he won't be either. I expected maybe anger begging head games trying everything to get it back but instead I got what sounded like a real sorry, the look of shame as he thought about everything I said. He told me he's going to feel really sick for a while at least until Thursday when he has the appt.

    I know he could tell I was serious that unless he chooses to stop using and get well today we wouldn't be in his life. Right now he's sick as a dog hasn't even looked to see if I maybe just hid his stash. I told him if it feels too much be honest tell me and I will take him to the ER for help.

    I'm not fooling myself, I don't think everything will be ok and he is going to go through the withdrawal and get back on the program just because he said so and he's def not had anything today. It could happen but I won't believe it without some very very hard work under his belt. I do feel better though. I said what I had to say, meant every word and I know now I will follow through. Im going to play some minecraft with the little guy and get some sleep it's been a draining day
    OK. This was good. You have set a bottom line so this will be your last and only chance. If he suddenly is feeling better, you will know what that means. No more discussion, no more threats, no more bottom lines. Put him out. You know the right things to do and it boils down to offering your support and nothing more because there's nothing more that you can do. Time will tell. If he does follow through and manages to get to Thursday, gets his subs and feels better it will be time to have a one way conversation. You do the talking and he does the listening. No more chances. This is it. In the meantime, begin to line things up for yourself so that if things don't work out then you will be prepared. There's no need to give him a list of the things you are doing. He'll notice and that's a good thing because he'll know you mean business. Follow up on the things we talked about and keep trying to find a way to get your own sub script. This is soooo important. If nothing else, he knows that he has control over you because you need his subs. Once that's not true, you begin to hold all the cards and that's how it needs to be.

    Good job. Now just keep following through. You're going to feel a whole lot better once you have things in place so that if things go south you'll be ready to make a move and not need time to pull things together. I'm a firm believer that even in the best of relationships, it's important to be somewhat independent so that you both know that you're together because you want to be and not that you have to be. Get your own script!!! And....let's start working on your proper taper immediately. OK? Do you need help with that? Have you started to be sure you're taking consistent doses everyday? Where are you at? 1mg or is it 2mg/day. Doesn't matter so long as it's the same every single day. Once you've taken the same dose for a few days and feel well, it's time to make your first reduction. Ready???

    Peace,

    Cat

  14. #14
    lmarie555 is offline New Member
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    Sorry I have been MIA, I work a 2nd job catering weddings and have had so much going on I haven't had the chance to even take a breath. So, He went to his appointment Thursday and talked to the Dr. back in the program blah blah blah. Yeah I say this because none of that even matters he's a liar and not worth a second of my time.

    Being back on the subs made it a little hard to know at first because they help with withdrawals and him not being super sick anymore wasn't a 100% sure sign because it could have been that he was following what the Dr told him and just not feeling so bad because of the Suboxone. There are differences of course, I wasn't seeing nodding out or big telltale signs that he was using anything but the Suboxone.

    Ultimately it was the landlord that outed him and put him in a corner he could not lie his way out of. He was supposed to put money in her account yesterday morning, I knew he had that money Friday night. I was included on the text she sent him and he promised to put it in Monday morning 1st thing. I asked why did it not go in yesterday where is the money? He was supposed to mow lawns today, he does that on weekends but I noticed he did not have his mower when he left. So when he came back I asked him why hes not working and he said he is sick. Oh sick huh? Well why would that be? He's withdrawing because he is out. I was in the kitchen taking a nice deep breath and found his hand in my purse when I went into the bedroom, he was obv trying to take my adderol that I need for narcolepsy. I grabbed my purse away and whacked him a good one with it. I don't condone violence but oh well, he deserved it

    He needs to leave but I am having trouble getting him out of here. Does anyone know anything about my legal options? He said he pays the rent here he is going to stay in the basement. Of course I had to laugh, uhm no I don't believe he has paid the rent! He says he has nowhere to go, not my problem. But how the heck can I make him leave if he refuses to go? I am trying to think of options to leave myself which is not so easy, the kids have everything here and they have school, it's not as easy to find someone to let me stay for a bit with kids in tow. This is a pickle!
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  15. #15
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by lmarie555 View Post
    Sorry I have been MIA, I work a 2nd job catering weddings and have had so much going on I haven't had the chance to even take a breath. So, He went to his appointment Thursday and talked to the Dr. back in the program blah blah blah. Yeah I say this because none of that even matters he's a liar and not worth a second of my time.

    Being back on the subs made it a little hard to know at first because they help with withdrawals and him not being super sick anymore wasn't a 100% sure sign because it could have been that he was following what the Dr told him and just not feeling so bad because of the Suboxone. There are differences of course, I wasn't seeing nodding out or big telltale signs that he was using anything but the Suboxone.

    Ultimately it was the landlord that outed him and put him in a corner he could not lie his way out of. He was supposed to put money in her account yesterday morning, I knew he had that money Friday night. I was included on the text she sent him and he promised to put it in Monday morning 1st thing. I asked why did it not go in yesterday where is the money? He was supposed to mow lawns today, he does that on weekends but I noticed he did not have his mower when he left. So when he came back I asked him why hes not working and he said he is sick. Oh sick huh? Well why would that be? He's withdrawing because he is out. I was in the kitchen taking a nice deep breath and found his hand in my purse when I went into the bedroom, he was obv trying to take my adderol that I need for narcolepsy. I grabbed my purse away and whacked him a good one with it. I don't condone violence but oh well, he deserved it

    He needs to leave but I am having trouble getting him out of here. Does anyone know anything about my legal options? He said he pays the rent here he is going to stay in the basement. Of course I had to laugh, uhm no I don't believe he has paid the rent! He says he has nowhere to go, not my problem. But how the heck can I make him leave if he refuses to go? I am trying to think of options to leave myself which is not so easy, the kids have everything here and they have school, it's not as easy to find someone to let me stay for a bit with kids in tow. This is a pickle!
    You can go to court and ask that he be forced to move out. You'll have to air some dirty laundry but there's no judge in the world that would make you leave with children so that he can stay. Of course, it's anyone's guess how he will respond to this and just might talk about your taking subs. All the more reason you need to get your own script. Sorry to harp on that. Using illegal street drugs is a far cry from being on suboxone therapy. Women have babies for Pete's sake and no one bothers them so long as they're not dabbling in other things. At this point, you can explain that yes you both had a problem but could only afford for one of you to go the a sub doctor and get a script and that you haven't used anything but those subs for xxxx amount of time. It would be of further help if you were able to say that you have made your own appointment.

    You should be able to get a court date very quickly. Just go into District Court and explain what's going on to the Clerk. Every court has a victim advocate and they can give you information and help you with your options. Good luck and keep us posted.

    Peace,

    Cat

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