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How can I talk to my fiance about his drug use?
  1. #1
    incog_neato is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004

    Default How can I talk to my fiance about his drug use?

    Last summer/fall my fiance got mixed up in snorting pretty much whatever was available. He supposedly quit in October (2004). Since then, he has acted strangely sometimes and I have been concerned. I know how into it he was and I know it was very difficult for him to quit. I've tried to be open with him and explain that if he ever got back into abusing drugs he could tell me and I wouldn't be upset, but that I would do what I could to help him. Not to mention, I really want us to be honest with each other. I've never thought any less of him for anything he's done and I'm not going to start. If he said, "Okay, I started doing this again," I'd just want to be there for him and be in the know about it.

    We're both still in college and very close to graduating. We're both very stressed out. When he started abusing last summer it was just fun for him. He had nearly quit when school started and he started feeling the pressure and he increased the drug use before he finally quit. He's really tense and stressed out again and, like I said, he's acted strangely (sort of distant at times and like he'd rather I wasn't around his place very much). I'm concerned. I got carried away and decided I'd search his house for drugs when I was there alone. I found some pills. Now I'm even more worried and I can't forget that I found them. I want to say something to him. I don't want to jump his case for not telling me (part of me figured he wouldn't tell me because he knows I'll encourage him to quit and if he's doing drugs again he's probably not interested in quitting right now). I just want to open up the communication or something. If he's so bent out of shape that he's doing drugs again, I want to know so I can give him his space or help him get help. I want to do something to help him, that's all. I'm not even mad that he didn't tell me, I'm just worried to death about him.

    After what I did (searching his place and essentially not trusting him about this topic), I probably don't deserve to have him be honest with me. I feel like my heart was in the right place, but I know I did something wrong. I want to talk to him about what's going on and I want him to know that I know, but I don't know how to go about it. I've never done drugs before so I really have no idea where's he coming from, but I try to understand. I know if he's doing drugs again he is feeling awful and I hate that.

    I feel better just writing this, but if anyone has any insight, advice, or suggestions I'd like to hear it. I don't want to talk to any of my family members or friends about this because I don't want them looking down on him or thinking he's not good for me. It isn't like he's involving me in what he does. He doesn't use my money to buy things. I've never seen him do any drugs. He doesn't mistreat me in any way. I know this is a very personal issue for him and I'd never run around blabbing it to people we know (I don't feel as bad about coming here because none of you know who I am or who he is).

    I'm sorry this is so long. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I'd really appreciate any help anyone could offer. Thanks in advance. I just want to help him, but I don't want to hurt him with my help. . .if that makes any sense.


  2. #2
    Sadalicious is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004


    #1 don't feel bad for searching his pad. you have intuition. if someone that you are close with is acting funny and has a propensity for drug use then trust your emotions. you were right after all!

    #2 DO NOT MARRY AND MAKE A LIFE COMMITMENT TO HIM until his gets his **** straight. there is no rush. you are young and time is on your side for the time being. i would not consider marrying him until you are both out of school and he shows that he can keep a steady job for at least a year.

    #3 give him your support. BUT, if he is not interested in changing and quitting any drug abuse then there is nothing that you can do by yourself. sorry. he has to provide the "want to" to quit and clean up a bit.

    #4 if you really love him and want him to get better. you may have to tell him to hit the road. quite simply put, if he is willing to put his chemical addictions OVER your very real love, touch, company, and a best friend (i assume) then you do not need him. you only get one life and marraige is forever. are you really so head over heels for this guy that you are willing to risk everything? OR, are you just comfortable? ALSO, if you are willing to risk everything him.....then the question is... is HE WILLING TO FOR YOU?

    it sounds as if you are a bit more mature than he is and that you may be growing up and he is not dealing with the change as well as you are. trust yourself, trade up to a more mature MAN. women simply mature faster on average and you may need to move on. you can still be there ALWAYS for him but you don't have to be his ****ing mother and be commited in a relationship.

    #5 set realistic expectations for him and your relationship and give him the opportunity to meet them. if he fails then you do not need to be in a relationship with him. tell him to grow the **** up. in a tactfull and nice way. if he is weak then YOU be the strong half.

    I am fine. Thank you for asking.

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