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How to handle husband's addiction?
  1. #1
    hw1919 is offline New Member
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    Unhappy How to handle husband's addiction?

    My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We are 30 and 31-years old. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and we have always been pretty happy, have a nice home, and at the core of our relationship are truly best friends. My husband decided to start his own business and I supported his decision since he would be able to watch our daughter a couple days a week too. I had no idea my husband had developed an addiction to oxycodone/oxycontin two years into our marriage. Having his own business allowed him to hide the fact that he was spending most of his profits on drugs. It seemed like we were just always barely keeping up on the bills for his business, and I didn't understand why. I make good money, so that kept us afloat.

    In December, before I knew about his drug addiction, we decided to have another baby because everything was going pretty well in our lives and it seemed like a good time. I got pregnant right away and my husband was excited but I could see this slight look of fear on his face that I was surprised by. Soon after that, I came home from work on a day when my husband had watched our daughter and the house was a wreck and my husband was on the couch. I couldn't understand what was wrong with him, just laying around. Finally he started crying and told me he was trying to wean himself off of oxycodone (I forget now how much he was taking). My first reaction was, you need to tell your parents. He didn't want to, just wanted to keep it between us and try to get off of them on his own, with my help. I told him I didn't really know how to help him. And I was also furious with him for hiding it for so long (over a year) and putting me under so much stress with the bills/finances. We talked about rehab facilities, but I was naively under the impression that they were really expensive (like places you see on the show Intervention) and he said he didn't want to go that route anyway, just wanted to handle it himself. I told him I felt like I'd been tricked and trapped because I never would have tried to have a baby if I had known he was on drugs, and I felt like I couldn't kick him out since I was pregnant (I should have kicked him out anyway in retrospect).

    So, I tried to support him, I hid the pills he had and would give him a few half pills here and there to wean off. Supposedly, he got off of them. Then I found out I had lost the baby. My husband took it really hard. He had already been talking to the baby and doing all sorts of things like that, getting excited about it. This is probably when he got back on drugs. BUT, I was focused on my own health and going through the miscarriage, so I obviously didn't notice or want to think about it.

    Months went by, we sold our house, and moved to a city an hour away to be closer to my family and also to get a fresh start, away from my husband's pill-addicted friends and the recent bad memories. Over the course of the summer, my husband lost like 20-25 pounds (he had really bulked up while on pills). I attributed this to working so hard on the house and not eating so much, as I lost weight too during the ordeal. Other signs started piling up which now seem obvious. He would sweat SO MUCH. He got a case of cellulitis in his arm. I remember noticing one day how he looked as white as a sheet. Then another day his eyes had abnormally dark circles. I asked him probably 20 times over the past six months if he was on drugs, and he always denied it and told me I was being paranoid (I should have drug tested him!) Finally, one day a couple weeks ago, I noticed a couple tiny dots on his inner arms. He tried to jerk his arms away from me when I noticed and then he started shaking while telling me it was from where sheet metal (he works with sheet metal for his job) had poked his forearms. I started to cry, and I told him it was obvious he was lying. He continued to deny it and pointed out a couple of fine scratches also on his forearms and I actually started to believe his story (because that's what i wanted to believe! WAY in denial). This happened around the same time my grandmother passed away and we finally moved into our new house. I had so much going on, I just kind of pushed it out of my mind.

    And then my husband started screwing up a bunch of things. He "lost" an envelope of cash meant for moving expenses. He got two speeding tickets in two weeks. The scariest thing of all was this burn hole we found on top of the kitchen cabinets, which my husband stupidly tried to say was there when we moved in. Throughout this whole process, I believed almost every lie he fed me. Now I feel like a complete idiot. I WANTED to believe him. My brain told me that what he was saying was crazy, but my heart wouldn't let me believe it.

    Finally I got a call Saturday from my husband's Mom (he had gone to their house to stay and finish up a job for his business, supposedly) and he had come clean to her and admitted he had secretly been doing >>>>>> for six months. I was devastated. He tried to detox at their home, but his parents didn't really have a realistic plan for helping him so I went and asked him if he would come with me and get some help and he agreed. He is in detox and inpatient rehab at a reputable place now and feeling better, although he still has barely slept in days.

    Besides feeling like a total idiot and wishing I had handled the situation better, I am now alone and it is so depressing, but at this same time it's also a huge relief being away from him, everything being stable, and knowing that our bank account won't be hemorrhaging money anymore.

    He continues to deny the burn hole in the cabinet, which could have burnt the house down. That part is so scary. And I have no idea how much danger he put our daughter in. I am upset with myself that he would take care of her, probably while high. He is a sweet person, honestly, always giving us a lot of love, hugs, etc, and was never violent. I know he really isn't a good Dad for the choices he has made, but he actually is so good with our daughter and adores her.

    Once he gets out of rehab, I honestly don't know what to do. I know he can't come back here - maybe when he's been clean for awhile. I have thought about getting a legal separation to protect us if he relapses and has an accident which injures someone or something like that. I'm not sure if I need to take it that far yet though, plus that would devastate him. I cancelled his credit & debit cards and am opening a new checking account in my name only.

    Any advise or thoughts on our situation is appreciated. Sorry this is so long, it's just a long story.

    I guess my main question is, How do you trust your spouse again when all the trust is gone?
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-27-2012 at 11:34 PM.

  2. #2
    lil lake is offline New Member
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    Hi hw1919,

    I don't have a lot of time this morning (off to work), but wanted to quickly reach out to you. I have been in your position and my heart goes out to you. I posted my story on Sam's thread (post #75). https://www.drugs.com/forum/need-tal...e-62249-3.html

    It is very similar to your story. I will check back in this afternoon and offer some more thoughts. There are also amazing folks here that can offer advice and thoughts from the addict's perspective.

    Blessings.....
    hw1919 likes this.

  3. #3
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Sorry to hear about your pain... but... the fact is, trust is earned not granted. Addicts will do whatever they can to get what they want.. That includes everything he has done to you and your family. The recovery of an addict is also based on one premise... HE HAS TO WANT IT... more than anything else he has ever wanted and cannot be doing it for anyone else but HIMSELF... If he does, then his chance of success increases. But it takes a lot of work and a lot of time. And, if over time he then earns your trust back, then so be it... But it is not like you can wake up one morning and things will be back to normal... It is a process for both of you. Keep posting and we will do what we can to guide you... But remember, if he does not want to get clean, he won't and actions have to SHOW YOU... Telling you how great he is doing means zero... has to show you. All my best, reid

  4. #4
    PatrickB is offline Member
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    I'm sorry to hear about all the things that you had to go through. I've heard so many stories so similiar to the one yours. Everytime I read one of these I think about what I put my girlfriend at the time (now fiance) through.

    I am 2.5 year clean now from any illegal substances OR alcohol and I've changed in many ways but there are still moments where she still doesn't trust me. But then again I put her through 6 years of be getting clean and then relapsing before finally seeking help through AA. (NA is fine too). I don't put alcohol or drugs in my system anymore since both make me due horrible things.

    I always find in these types of situations that there are so many variables in the equation that it's hard for anyone to be able to make the perfect suggestion on how to handle it. It's also tough with a child involved =(

    I really feel for you and hope you can find some comfort and support here from someone, perhaps someone who has had experience being in a relationship with someone addicted instead of the addict themselves.

    I agree with what Reid has to say. The only thing I would add is that I know there were times were I believed in my heart that I wanted to stay clean, I would have even passed a lie detector test at the time. I was convinced I was done, but I wasn't. That's the scary thing and something that you will likely have to deal with. Is he really done? People relapse after days months years etc, especially without treatment in my opinion. I don't know how many times I built up trust in my relationship only to go out and screw it up again =(. I'm not trying to scare you at all, but it is going to be hard to trust him period.

  5. #5
    lil lake is offline New Member
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    Reid was spot on with his comment above. Your husband has to want it for HIMSELF. My husband did the whole expensive rehab thing, but he only went to placate the family and I. I found Narconon very helpful to deal with everything and understand addiction. Unfortunately, I ultimately had to file for divorce. Broke my heart, but I had a new born baby and I was suffering emotionally trying to control him, the finances, etc. I divorced him, got full custody of our baby, and left the state. I had to declare bankruptcy. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to leave, because as much as I loved him and as much as he loved me and our daughter, he was no longer in control and his addiction placed us in danger.

    That was about 8 years ago. He tells me that the divorce was his 'rock bottom'. He began his recovery then. Today he is a wonderful father and great provider, but it was a LONG journey. As for the trust issue, well, it is indeed a BIG issue from time to time. I have not remarried him yet. I'm leary about being tied to him financially again, even though he has been sober for several years. We do share a saving account, and to his credit, is sensitive to my concerns about the finances. So, there is hope, but it is a hard, bumpy road. Addiction is insidious.
    hw1919 and surfdog like this.

  6. #6
    hw1919 is offline New Member
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    Thank you all for your responses and advice....I know this is going to be ridiculously hard. I have an uncle who has battled with alcoholism and just recently got sober, probably for good, at 60 years old. But it took him like 40 years. So I know this is probably going to be a life-long issue with my husband. IT'S JUST SO SAD. Thanks again.

  7. #7
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    HW, Reid is right the trust is earned not given, if he wants it bad enough he will get but he has to want it. Sorry for what you have gone through i have seen it so many times and it always sad. This disease takes away everything one holds dear. However there is hope if not none of us would have made it. Hang tight we will do what we can to help Dog

    WADDUP REID!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. #8
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Dawg speaks da truf!!! Wadddddddddup my friend dawg!!!!!

  9. #9
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Not much my friend Reid Dog

  10. #10
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by hw1919 View Post
    Thank you all for your responses and advice....I know this is going to be ridiculously hard. I have an uncle who has battled with alcoholism and just recently got sober, probably for good, at 60 years old. But it took him like 40 years. So I know this is probably going to be a life-long issue with my husband. IT'S JUST SO SAD. Thanks again.


    Dear HW,

    My first suggestion for you is the most important piece to deal with ALL of this: Run, do not walk - to your nearest Alanon or Naranon meeting! Either will do. Here's links to find a meeting:

    Alanon http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

    Naranon http://www.nar-anon.org/

    These are 12-step programs designed SPECIFICALLY for people in your situation - those whose lives have been profoundly impacted by an addict or alcoholic.

    Addiction is a DISEASE - not a sign of weakness or low character. It occurs when there's first a genetic marker within the person, and is triggered into action by the introduction of booze or drugs. Over time, it gets worse. It affects every aspect of a person's life - mind, body, soul - as well as relationships, finances, employment, etc. The complexity and power of this disease can not be overstated. If you want a little more information on the physiological reasoning that categorizes it as a "disease," you can read more here: https://www.drugs.com/forum/need-tal...ion-58760.html

    This DISEASE affects every member of the family. I look at it as similar to a big 'black hole' in the universe - that just sucks in everyone and everything in its wake. Just as the addict is in denial of his problem, so is the rest of the family in "denial." We don't want to see it, so we ignore the signs.

    Yes, this disease is a life-long condition, but it can be arrested successfully. If HE is the one seeking out help, that is a very positive sign. No one twisted his arm. He came to this on his own. He sounds "ready" - and that's the best start he could have.

    Trust is a process. The things that he's done - the lies, the deceit - will take you time to come to terms with. But through a 12-step program like Alanon or Naranon, you, too, can heal. That is part of the 12 step process. Trust is regained just as recovery is gained, 'one day at a time.' There will be work for you to do. And there will be more work for him to do. But it is by no means impossible. In fact, in the course of both of you working on your own 12-step program, it can often bring a couple even closer. Walls come down. Vulnerabilities are exposed. Communication opens up. Seriously, what I see all the time in the lives of recovering addicts is nothing less that miraculous. (I work in the field.)

    This is not hopeless! And you don't have to navigate this strange world of addiction and recovery alone. Feel free to use this forum to vent - as many do. Some use their threads almost like a journal, and it helps others as well. There is recovery for anyone who wants it badly enough.

    God bless,
    Ruth
    lil lake likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

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