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I think my BF (or Ex potentially) is an addict. I need advice and some insight please
  1. #1
    shpammy is offline New Member
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    Default I think my BF (or Ex potentially) is an addict. I need advice and some insight please

    So, I've been with a guy for the last 5 months. It's been the most tumultuous relationship I've ever been in in my life. Lots of me waking up at 2 am to texts from him accusing me of cheating, or being dramatic and saying I'll never hear from him again, etc. He was arrested a year and a half ago for burglary and now has a felony charge. When he seemed "sober" or with it early on in our relationship, he mentioned to me that Xanax used to be his drug of choice. When he was arrested, he had been drinking and taking Xanax. I knew he had taken a lot of drugs in his lifetime, but thought he only did so recreationally at this point.

    Well, about 3 months into our relationship, he was having a really rough time. He got punched in the nose at work, gotten his nose broken, and was out of work for a bit. He was really low then and depressed, but he snapped back out of it until about two and a half weeks ago. There was a week where he was constantly telling me he wanted to kill himself, he was a loser, etc etc. During this time, he was all over the place. His texts looked like this "Ikeeeplfinrfingiu difoeijfef" essentially. Barely coherent in any way. This would be right after work too so I knew it wasn't drinking. I came over to his house every night that week, because I didn't trust him to be alone with his suicidal thoughts. One night I thought he was dead. I walked out into the living room and he had fallen asleep on his laptop sitting upright. I went to wake him, trying to shake him numerous times, removing the laptop from his lap, and saying "Babe?" I thought I was going to have to call 911. Eventually he woke up in a haze, and randomly said "so lucky to have you." Another night he cuddled me on the bed for two seconds, and then fell asleep on me with his slippers on, over the covers. I was able to move out from under him without waking him. He even mumbled some weird stuff and I said "Huh?" and he said "sorry still in dreamland" in a slurred voice. Also during this time, he claimed he got robbed a few times and couldn't pay rent... also made the excuse of being out of work after the broken nose, and being behind in money. So I lent him some money for rent which now I think just went to drugs.

    After that week, he couldn't eat anything. Said his stomach felt so sick, and he had to call out of work twice. Also said he was having bathroom issues--constipation and blood in his stool (red, not black so it wasn't from his intestines thankfully). He also accidentally sent me a text saying "yeah subs are chill but don't do >>>>. just make you sick." I tried to break up with him Tuesday night and I woke up wednesday morning to 52 texts, 8 missed calls and 2 voicemails, which kept going back and forth between loving me, telling me to f off, accusing me of cheating, and threatening to kill himself. One of the main reasons for breaking up with him has been his.... emotionless self. The guy that used to want to hang out with me every night suddenly started cancelling on me... making excuses not to hang out.. telling me he was just severely depressed but he didn't seem depressed, just apathetic. He even said "if this is too much I understand." He literally would NEVER have said this to me a month or two ago. He always used to fight for me. He just doesn't care. He even said "I feel nothing" "I'm emotionless."

    Side note, my Percocet that I had after surgery magically "disappeared" at his place like a month into us dating.


    I never found out exactly what he's been using... I tried to confront him, ask him if I could help him at all.. should I contact his parents, etc. But he's pushing me away and we are officially broken up. I love him and care about him so much, but don't know what to do at all. It's been horrible for me mentally. At this point, I just want some advice... and also if anyone has any idea what he could be using. Could Xanax or Opiates explain his change in feelings? His lack of feeling I guess? And barely any sex drive whatsoever. I just want answers and can't get them from the person I need them from because he's pulling away now that he's seemingly using pretty heavily.

  2. #2
    shpammy is offline New Member
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    There'd also be times where he'd suffer from insomnia. Basically barely sleep for a few days each month. Not sure if that helps at all, but I witnessed it myself and he said he'd go through that monthly.

  3. #3
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Shpammy, welcome to the forum and one of the very best places you'll ever find for help and support. Amazing members here that are addicts in different phases of drug addiction. Some wanting to stop the madness and get clean, others in the middle of detoxing, and many other members that were long time addicts that are now clean and have stuck around wanting to pay back what was given to them. I'm all of that having abused drugs for around 18 years, but now have over 3 years clean. Many, many other members here with knowledge and experience to help you with advice and suggestions.

    I'll tell you that right now you're dealing with an active addict that loves his drugs more than he does you. Sorry, but true. When one gets under the influence of opiates and alcohol, finding, buying, and taking more drugs is all they think about day and night. An active addict loves their drugs so much they'll do nearly anything to obtain them. That means lying, stealing and manipulating everyone in their path. And an addict will take the person they love right down with them.

    Your boyfriend is in deep, really deep. He's using multiple substances and playing a very dangerous game if he's drinking alcohol, taking opiates, and adding Zanax to the mix. That's a recipe for disaster. He's playing with fire and sooner or later will get burnt. Enabling him is the worst thing you can possibly do. Before he'll stop, the consequences of his actions will be so great that he has no choice but to stop. We addicts call that "rock bottom" and it's a terrible place and situation to be in. I lost everything I owned and loved before I knew it was time to change my life. Your boyfriend has to get to that point before he'll change and stop abusing drugs.

    I never want to tell anyone this, but with only 5 months together, and all of that time he's been in this situation, you really have to make a stance, give hm ultimatums, and make absolutely certain you follow through with those demands. I would suggest you tell him that if he doesn't stop, get some help and into some face to face support meetings in NA or AA, or therapy that you will be gone for good. But if you tell him those things you must be prepared to follow through or he'll continue doing what he's doing because of empty threats. Sorry to have to say all of that. My fiancé at the time was in the very same situation you are. She told me all the time she was leaving if I didn't stop but never followed through with it. One day she had enough and left for good. That got me into NA and AA and I finally got myself together.

    You should really check into some support meetings of Naranon or Alanon. You'll meet many others in those meetings that are in the same exact situation you are. You'll learn how not to enable him further, and what makes him tick. It's really priceless help. Google for meetings in your area and go to as many meetings as you can. Please, just go. You'll be glad you did.

    Hard to say exactly what he using, but I'll bet the farm he'll take anything addictive he can find. Just the way it is for an addict. Think about this carefully and form a plan. Follow through with your plan. Wish I had more advice for you. Others here should be around with more suggestions. The weekends get real slow so be patient please.

    Take care of yourself young lady. You deserve to be happy and with someone that truly loves you, and only YOU!

    Randy
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-25-2017 at 01:40 AM.

  4. #4
    shpammy is offline New Member
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    First of all, thank you so much for the response. This has been a very difficult few months for me, and no one I know has been through it. It feels good to feel like his "addict status" is confirmed. Deep down I know it's for sure, but I kept having thoughts come up that would make me second guess myself. "Maybe he is fine... maybe this is all in my head, and I'M the crazy one." But there's just been too many instances of him having to "meet a homie real quick" at 2 or 3 am, taking cash with him. Too many instances of him seeming extremely high/out of it, and not having drank any alcohol. Too many instances of him lying about where he is, or cancelling on me and then I see his instagram story of him just staying at home. Too many instances of him NEVER having money when he's a manager at his job and should be making more than me. And he did admit to using Xanax in the past... not to mention when he recently hurt his back, he had me get him an uber to this guy's house that he frequents. He said his homie would "hook him up." (This is the same night he accidentally messaged me about the subs). He didn't come him until 3:45 am that night.


    His rock bottom will come soon enough I'm sure. He's currently on parole for the felony charge he had 1.5 years ago. He's been actively avoiding talking to his parole officer, most likely because he doesn't want to fail a drug test and go to jail. But he can only avoid for so long before he either needs to quit, or gets caught by his P.O.


    This makes me unbelievably sad for him. I've known him since middle school. He was always the "popular kid." He had so much potential. And now he's ruining his life. Although we've only been dating for 5 months, I've literally known him/about him (we weren't close or anything), for 16 years.

    At this point, we are officially done. He tried to say he wasn't ready for a relationship (true), and would like for us to just hang out.... but I can't handle that. I told him I couldn't do it. He has to want help/to change and he doesn't. He lies to me all the time about everything. And we haven't been together long enough for an ultimatum of me leaving him to have much of an effect. I'm honestly wondering if I should contact his parents? He needs help and everyone around him does drugs. His roommates will just be out in the living room on a random Tuesday night doing blow--they're also his coworkers, his friends do and sell drugs. I was the only person in his life that doesn't do any of that. I think he got stressed out having to lie to me all the time.

    This is just a side question, but he twitches/jerks a lot in his sleep. He also gets extremely hot and sweaty, to the point of always needing a fan on him even when it's super cold. Has anyone experienced that with any particular drug? He said it only started happening within the last year or so. I wondered if it was drug related.


    Anyways, thanks again for the reply. It helps to talk about it, and my friends have pretty much requested I no longer speak to them about him (it stresses them out too much).

  5. #5
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey shpammy. Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you had to go through this. But you definately have a hold on it. I know it's tough. But Randy gave you some insight into the mind of an active addict. They are sneaky, decieving, hateful, manipulative, con artists. Some of the best liars in the world. I know because I was one of them as well. It didn't matter who I stole from to get my oxy's. I lost some good friends that way. I know it sucks!! But he has to want to quit and it doesn't sound like he's ready for that. I'm glad you said you're done. You do not deserve that and you will find someone who loves you for you and not the drugs.

    Twitching. I did for 5 years while I was on suboxone. I never really thought about it until my girlfriend and I got serious and moved in together. I twitched several times a night and sometimes violent enough to wake her up. I don't know if it's just me because I love the cold. (Always have) the only time I hated cold was when I was detoxing and had chills like a mofo. I had a fan on me and the A/C set at 70 degrees.

    Anyways I wish you the best and let us know how it goes for you.
    Beef
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    shpammy is offline New Member
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    Leaving has been the hardest part for sure. I love him. I know it might seem quick to love someone, but I genuinely care about his well-being and don't wish anything bad on him despite all of the >>>> he put me through.


    I would probably still be with him now if it wasn't for this sudden flip in him. He went from needing me every night, wanting me around all of the time, being extremely affectionate, to suddenly being cold, distant, and emotionless. I'm not sure if that was the drugs or just him in general, but I didn't do anything during that "switch" in his feelings. He told me he "feels nothing" and that his mind has just "been messed up for the last few weeks." He kept promising me it'd get better and that he'd someday soon be able to make me feel "happy and safe" like I made him feel. But despite him saying that, I only felt him grow more and more distant and lie to me more and more.


    It's really hard leaving him like this, but he was extremely emotionally abusive too. Any night I wasn't with him, I'd be woken up by weird texts at like 3 am of him accusing me of cheating, or talking about suicide, or telling me I'd never hear from him again... when all I was doing was just sleeping in my own bed for once. I became so anxious every night, scared of what I might wake up to. It was constantly me being worried about what mood he would be in... I didn't even silence my phone at work, just in case I got a text from him... I felt like I had to constantly be on guard for when and if he needed my help.


    I know this is for the best for ME, but I'm feeling partially guilty for leaving him in this state. He very obviously needs help, and the people he surrounds himself with are horrible influences. He doesn't have the greatest relationship with his family although I do think they've tried to reach out here and there. I'm conflicted. I feel relieved to not have to deal with it anymore, but I also feel guilty because he NEEDS someone to help him I feel like. And I also love him and will miss him. I don't know, my mind is all over the place.
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  7. #7
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by shpammy View Post
    Leaving has been the hardest part for sure. I love him. I know it might seem quick to love someone, but I genuinely care about his well-being and don't wish anything bad on him despite all of the >>>> he put me through.


    I would probably still be with him now if it wasn't for this sudden flip in him. He went from needing me every night, wanting me around all of the time, being extremely affectionate, to suddenly being cold, distant, and emotionless. I'm not sure if that was the drugs or just him in general, but I didn't do anything during that "switch" in his feelings. He told me he "feels nothing" and that his mind has just "been messed up for the last few weeks." He kept promising me it'd get better and that he'd someday soon be able to make me feel "happy and safe" like I made him feel. But despite him saying that, I only felt him grow more and more distant and lie to me more and more.


    It's really hard leaving him like this, but he was extremely emotionally abusive too. Any night I wasn't with him, I'd be woken up by weird texts at like 3 am of him accusing me of cheating, or talking about suicide, or telling me I'd never hear from him again... when all I was doing was just sleeping in my own bed for once. I became so anxious every night, scared of what I might wake up to. It was constantly me being worried about what mood he would be in... I didn't even silence my phone at work, just in case I got a text from him... I felt like I had to constantly be on guard for when and if he needed my help.


    I know this is for the best for ME, but I'm feeling partially guilty for leaving him in this state. He very obviously needs help, and the people he surrounds himself with are horrible influences. He doesn't have the greatest relationship with his family although I do think they've tried to reach out here and there. I'm conflicted. I feel relieved to not have to deal with it anymore, but I also feel guilty because he NEEDS someone to help him I feel like. And I also love him and will miss him. I don't know, my mind is all over the place.
    Welcome to the Forum,

    I just caught up with your posts and the responses you received and they are on point. Listen. You have nothing and I mean NOTHING to feel guilty about. It would be an entirely different story if there was something that you could do to help him but there isn't. In fact, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment, the best thing you could have done is to break it off with him. It's the right thing to do for the both of you. The greatest factor ever for an addict to decide to seek help is to begin to feel consequences. Randy mentioned "rock bottom". Rock bottom can be a bit different for each of us. Sometimes it's just being confronted and the prospect of losing someone we love that creates a rock bottom but that, unfortunately, would be quite unusual. It isn't that he loves you any less, it's just that an addict lives in the moment. When confronted by a consequence, we tell ourselves that today will be the last day that we will use and then everything will right itself but then we do it all over again anyway.

    You mentioned that he surrounds himself with addicts so that tells me that he's been at this for some time and he's in deep. Remind yourself that by lending him money to pay his rent is likely giving him money to buy drugs. I am a recovering addict and my adult son is a very active addict. I spent years making excuses and trying to protect my son from any consequences of his drug use. The only thing that accomplished was to make it easier for him to use. That was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I went from spinning my wheels trying to either keep him out of trouble or getting him of trouble until one day I began to wish that the police would finally catch up with him and he'd land in jail so that at least I'd know where he was and that he wasn't using. That did eventually happen and he spent six months in jail. He got out and used again that very same day. A non addict couldn't possibly understand why someone would do that but it's the nature of the beast. Until an addict is sick and tired of being sick and tired, they're going to keep running on the hamster wheel and there is absolutely nothing that another human being is going to do to stop them. They justify everything and one of the best justifications is that we are only hurting ourselves. In our heads, that makes everyone else unreasonable.

    Your break with him doesn't necessarily mean it's forever. I wouldn't reach out to him but if he reaches out to you, you could tell him that when he's ready to get some help and tackle his problem that you'll be the first one on board to support him but until then, it's a unhealthy relationship and you're not willing to sacrifice your happiness and peace to help him remain an active addict. Reassure him that you love him but that it's just too hard to watch him self destruct. That puts the ball in his court and he's going to do whatever it is that he wants to do. You just don't want to be a part of it.

    Be strong and just know that walking away from him right now is the best thing for the both of you. I promise that this is true.

    Peace,

    Cat

  8. #8
    shpammy is offline New Member
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    Thank you for that. It's been hard getting over the guilt of leaving him, when a part of me thought that maybe I could help him in some way. This breakup has been harder than most because it came out of nowhere. (Well, not nowhere, I know now that he's been using drugs). But there was a time a few weeks ago that he seemed sober, we got along amazingly, he was loving and I was the happiest I've ever been. Then he had the week where I thought he was dead, and he went out of town for a night, and he came back like a robot... He's even admitted to being emotionless the last few weeks, and that he "feels nothing." Could Xanax and/or Opiates make him feel like this? Completely numb? I noticed in his behavior too... just much more "Whatever, who cares."


    It's hard, being someone that doesn't use drugs, to have someone's feelings just completely change on me in such a short amount of time. Honestly, it's hard for me to comprehend all of this.


    Coming here has been immensely helpful for me though, because it's a different situation to most. It's not just a breakup, it's a breakup with someone that is actively addicted to drugs. Adds another component to it that people I know in real life just don't understand.

  9. #9
    shpammy is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by shpammy View Post
    Thank you for that. It's been hard getting over the guilt of leaving him, when a part of me thought that maybe I could help him in some way. This breakup has been harder than most because it came out of nowhere. (Well, not nowhere, I know now that he's been using drugs). But there was a time a few weeks ago that he seemed sober, we got along amazingly, he was loving and I was the happiest I've ever been. Then he had the week where I thought he was dead, and he went out of town for a night, and he came back like a robot... He's even admitted to being emotionless the last few weeks, and that he "feels nothing." Could Xanax and/or Opiates make him feel like this? Completely numb? I noticed in his behavior too... just much more "Whatever, who cares."


    It's hard, being someone that doesn't use drugs, to have someone's feelings just completely change on me in such a short amount of time. Honestly, it's hard for me to comprehend all of this.


    Coming here has been immensely helpful for me though, because it's a different situation to most. It's not just a breakup, it's a breakup with someone that is actively addicted to drugs. Adds another component to it that people I know in real life just don't understand.

    Three weeks ago he told me I was one of the only things that made him happy in life.... now he could care less if I'm alive. This is all just really hard.

  10. #10
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by shpammy View Post
    Three weeks ago he told me I was one of the only things that made him happy in life.... now he could care less if I'm alive. This is all just really hard.


    Hey Girl, what's going on now? Can you provide an update soon. Did you check out any of those Naranon or Alanon meetings?

    Randy

  11. #11
    shpammy is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy35 View Post
    Hey Girl, what's going on now? Can you provide an update soon. Did you check out any of those Naranon or Alanon meetings?

    Randy

    I haven't checked out any meetings... to be honest, I didn't intend on seeing him again. But I do really care about him, and it's hard to just up and leave someone/stop talking to them anymore. He confided in me that he could potentially be losing his job, and he said it all so nonchalantly. He sort of mentioned wanting to die, but seeing how he's been when he's actually depressed/upset, he did NOT seem very upset, which was weird to me. He had been claiming that he was severely depressed lately, and was one of his reasons for not wanting a relationship... but I ended up meeting with him and he seems really happy honestly. So, now I feel like he just doesn't want to be with me... it's weird. He even, almost joyously, asked me to buy a gun and kill him... but like, not upset sounding at all. Also, when he left, he dropped a bottle of pills. Not sure what he's on currently, and if that's why he seems so chill about everything. But yeah, does NOT seem suicidal or depressed at all. I'm not sure what to think--he seemed so normal, made me question if he really has a problem or what. I don't know what to think anymore.

  12. #12
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Shpammy-

    I'm so glad you posted an update. I have been trying to formulate a post to you from the moment you started your thread. I agree with everything said above. He's definitely an addict displaying all the addict behaviors. Life is grand when we are high. But what goes up must come down. When I had my pills I was superwoman. We they ran out I was a monster. It got real intense when I realized that I could never get enough pills to keep me in the happy zone.

    Unfortunately, not only am I an addict (recovering) but my guy is also an addict (active w alcohol). If you have a chance read my last few posts to get a glimpse of what life could look like if you entertain a relationship with your guy.

    I love to a fault & by that I am a master enabler. I came across that same hurt, misunderstood, lost little puppy. I was quick to snatch him up b/c I felt I had enough love to fix him.

    I spent over 20 years trying to help him find himself that I eventually lost myself (insert my addiction here).

    You continue to follow your gut & maintain your strength to keep stepping your way away from him. If he can not do for himself he will never be available to do for you. I only wish I could of had the strength & know how that you have shown so early on in this relationship. I was weak & fell deep into his trap.

    Now, 20 years later, here I sit alone in a parking lot. He is home passed out. The most devastating part is that my 3 children are in that home b/c he refused to let me take them.

    In just a few short hours I will be going to a homeless shelter in hopes that I can secure a place for the kids & I. Can you even imagine what it will feel like to tell your children they have to leave their home to go live in a homeless shelter just weeks away from Christmas?? Yeah, neither can I. I imagine it to be painfully heartbreaking as Christmas wishes & dreams will be crushed.

    You keep posting- please! I know what it's like to feel like you can't turn to your friends. Some just can't wrap their minds around it & others are just plan sick of hearing about it. I've been hear listening all along. I feared speaking up b/c my failures in life have all but silenced my voice.

    I know it might be hard to turn your back & walk away but ultimately you have to take care of you. You don't ever want to lose yourself in another. The best thing you can offer him know is prayer & positive energy and nothing more.

    He can not love you until he is able to love himself- remember I am an addict so I know that this can not be done by anyone else.

    You keep doing the next right thing for you. Dream big & never stop chasing your dream. You deserve peace, love, & happiness and he can not provide that for you in his current state.

    ❤️

    Che

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    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by shpammy View Post
    I haven't checked out any meetings... to be honest, I didn't intend on seeing him again. But I do really care about him, and it's hard to just up and leave someone/stop talking to them anymore. He confided in me that he could potentially be losing his job, and he said it all so nonchalantly. He sort of mentioned wanting to die, but seeing how he's been when he's actually depressed/upset, he did NOT seem very upset, which was weird to me. He had been claiming that he was severely depressed lately, and was one of his reasons for not wanting a relationship... but I ended up meeting with him and he seems really happy honestly. So, now I feel like he just doesn't want to be with me... it's weird. He even, almost joyously, asked me to buy a gun and kill him... but like, not upset sounding at all. Also, when he left, he dropped a bottle of pills. Not sure what he's on currently, and if that's why he seems so chill about everything. But yeah, does NOT seem suicidal or depressed at all. I'm not sure what to think--he seemed so normal, made me question if he really has a problem or what. I don't know what to think anymore.


    Good Morning!

    Che mentioned you might want to read her thread, especially her last couple of posts. I wanted to give you the link to her thread....

    https://www.drugs.com/forum/need-tal...tml#post540966

    As Che mentioned, she gives you some serious insight into what can happen when an addict is totally consumed by the drugs. So sad and an eye opening experience. I would put her and the kids up in an apartment if I could. Just to get her away from the monster as she calls her husband. So sad and tears my heart apart.

    I too was a monster on drugs, just with no wife and kids. I did have a fiancé at the time you was in your exact same shoes. She finally left for good one day and that propelled me to seek help for my problem. Rock bottom, I was beyond that. Your BF is headed down the same path. Hope he doesn't take you with him.

    Take care of YOU!

    Randy
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  14. #14
    shpammy is offline New Member
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    Thanks so much for the support, I honestly really, really appreciate it. Talking to you guys has been really helpful--with your knowledge base and everything. Thanks for the kind words, Che! I wish I had as much strength as you mentioned me having though... Because although I seem to have great willpower when it comes to drugs or other things, I actually have horrible willpower when it comes to people I love/care about. I'm still talking to him, and finding it harder and harder to leave now that he seems "normal" again, even though I know he's probably not.

    I don't know what to do, I love him, despite him treating me badly.


    I know that this is probably a cycle, and he will definitely be down again, but right now when he's up it just feels so good. He's the best person ever, and I love being around him. I don't know if I can find the strength to fully leave right now.

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