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idk what I'm looking for anymore...support? someone who gives a hoot?
  1. #1
    sklingsheim is offline Junior Member
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    Default idk what I'm looking for anymore...support? someone who gives a hoot?

    Well in probably just writing to myself, and the internet, so just making all this public...is kind of a big deal for me. I am an extremely private person who used to wear my heart and soul on my sleeve, before the darkness hit. My parents divorced when I was young. They were amicable. No courts. Just two people who respected each other enough to not impact us kids as much as possible, by doing their best. That meant I was a latch-key kid since both my parents worked and so my sister, who is 7 years older, would walk me home from daycare/kindergarten every day (until she got her license) and be with me all day during summers and breaks. My sister is my half sister, though I've never looked at her as anything but my sister. When my parents married she was two and my father legally adopted her. He loved her as his own. The unfortunate situation with her biological father was that he simply didn't want her and left my mom eight months pregnant. But his parents and family did want to know her. So she would spend a few weeks every summer with her biological grandparents. I always remember being jealous that I never got to go. But he would be there...every year...and never look or talk to her like she was his. So my sister grew up a very unhappy, emotionally blocked young woman with the self esteem level of zero. She was kind of short and chunky until she hit her junior year and grew to 5'9 and everything "evened out". After that her self esteem issues showed in other ways but got better after that. She resented me. She hated me with a passion. I don't know if it was because my dad was my real dad, though honestly NEVER showed a difference in love or affection. But my sister wouldn't let anyone hug her as a young adult, just my mom. She would be so mean to me when they weren't around and ignore me when not spewing things to make sure I was a " spoiled brat who no one liked and yadda yadda". But when you are 5 and you hear that more than anything because your parents are barely around... I really think it affected me. Then the sexual abuse started. She would make me do things to her. I remember being a happy child that loved Jesus and wanted to do something great with my life, even at the age of 4 I remember telling my mom I wanted to be a saint so that Jesus would never get mad at me. I wasn't scared of anything because I had my mom and dad and even my sister, though she hated me. I always knew, even that young, that it wasn't personal. I knew something was wrong or something had happened to make her shell up the way she did around the time of sexual abuse starting that summer. Yes, we were kids. But not really. She was 13 years old. I was 6. She made me mad one day in the car home with my mom and like any younger sibling tried to think of the only thing I had on her to get her back. So I told my mom about our "game". I remember sitting in the middle seat in the back looking forward and seeing my mom's demeanor change and look at my sister, who was looking forward, and asked her if it was true. Of course she said no and I was making it up. All the way home my mom was telling me how much trouble I was about to be in when we got home and I was pleading and crying that I was telling the truth. And there's my psychopath sister, straightface and laughing in a "uncomfortable" way denying it. Needless to say I got in the most trouble of my young life. I had never even been grounded before. And I was getting spanked so hard I couldn't feel my butt and was just crying and swearing I was telling the truth. She told me how disgusting I was for making such a thing up.

    I changed that day. That day of betrayal. I saw my dad the next day as he was picking us up for the weekend and I was told to never speak of it again, so I didn't tell him. I told him, several before he died, when I was in my early 20s and he cried and just hugged me and said he wished he knew and he would have of course believed me because what six year old makes that up?!? My trust in women changed drastically. I was never a social butterfly again. I remember the daycare teacher asking my dad one Friday if something was wrong because I was playing with the rest of the kids like I used to. In retrospect, the signs were everywhere. All of this was blocked out by the way. It was apparently so traumatic for me that I pushed it out of my memory. I was in a deep therapy session once when I was 19 and my life was falling apart that all the memories came flooding back. I never went back to therapy after that day. I went there because I was emotionally having issues that were forming themselves physically. I was a pot smoking, drinking here and there , normal college girl. Then after that.... And after my dad, the man I lived with for 14 years, raised me after my mom got remarried when i was seven and moved two hours away, and was the closest to me in my life, married the one woman in the world threatened by me and hated me, resulting all the way to changing the dates of his funeral to where I couldn't be there....to a car accident that crushed my knee and simultaneously crushed my dream to be a EMT or walk for the next year...to finally discovering the world just beyond the pot. First is was pharmaceuticals. My doc was giving me xanax like candy for years and I was so depressed I was drinking on them and blacking out. After multiple trips in as many years to the ER for alcholo poisoning, not one family member or professional approached my self destruction. I met my husband and we did a lot of uppers together. Not like daily, but weekends. When I got pregnant, I quit everything and made it to five months, and we lost her. His family, being conservative Christian, told me it was for the best as they were removing my baby since she was still attached from the ambilical chord. I died a little that day. Over the following week I just wasn't feeling well. I thought it was the recovery and mental, so since I was depressed we did some powder. A couple days later my fever was so bad the thermometer kept reading error and could feel the heat off my body. The ER didn't even believe their machine... 105.1. I was septic. Since they didn't do a d&c after the miscarriage, I got an infection and had to be in the hospital for days with fluid antibiotics and blood transfusions. My sister actually visited me. You see, once we got older and she was becoming normal and wanting a relationship with me...I let that happen. I love my sister and have never talked to her about it. I think something happened to her, sexual abuse wise, and she casted her fear, loathing and hate onto me like she always did. I did approach my mom though and have come to realize that she was the one I was really mad at for not protecting me, listening to me and punishing me which has affected every female and sexual relationship Ive had my whole life. After 3 miscarriages, my husband and I decided to not have kids. We moved to get away from the drugs and start fresh with new memories. We moved across the country to where his family had moved. The first few years were great and drug free...will always smoke pot for my medical issues so that doesn't count to me. Then we realized after a few too many refills on a perk script that we were surrounded by them! Got a nasty, guilt ridden habit and tried to kick it with sub's. I have not had a perk in a year. The sub's I have to get on the street because I can't afford nor have time for therapy required sessions in clinics since I watch my autistic son during the day and work nights. When I run out of sub's for a day or two and can't find any, I am reminded that I'm an idiot and still addicted and now to something that will be harder to come off, especially since it helps my pain so well. Ive had unexplained health issues for years...almost a decade. Been working, if you call it that, with my primary to "figure it out". The idiot doesn't even know I take sub's because he has never even drug tested me. With all my symptoms an ER doc did a parasite test. I had one of the rarest parasite found in the US. In fact, it'd not even found here and all the cases in the US can be traced back to traveling to a place with this parasite in other parts of the world. And cannot be transmitted through human contact in any way. I dont travel. I have no idea how I got this. I was laughed at by the infectious disease specialist before the pathologist called him because he didn't believe it. Fortunately it is curable and even has a vaccine! However, chronic cases, like mine, the damage to the organs and tissue is done. And all the symptoms I have, I always will now. I went from 125lbs to weighing 85.3lbs yesterday. I haven't had a period in over a year. I can't move my joints or hands for at least an hour after I wake up and then just have annoying pain. I have a regular day and then my work day starts when my husband gets home and I go clean commercial buildings and offices. I currently have an order for some scans to assess the damage but my doc doesn't even like prescribing aspirin and since he didn't even know what the parasite was, shouldn't be the one to evaluate and look for damage. Got to love medicaid. I'm getting private insurance soon and can't wait! My father was in Vietnam, special forces. His parchute didn't open all the way his last jump and he landed in a bunch of trees for three days. So I've seen someone on pain meds their whole lives. His usage affected his emphysema so bad he caught pneumonia and died. I don't want to be reliant on anything to get through the day. At least anything that I won't tell if I don't take one the next day or two! I need it. My body needs it. My mind needs it. I'm down to 4mg a day. I was at 1mg last year and came back full force. I need to get down again. At least to where I can skip days. I know I might need something for pain but hear the smaller doses work better anyways. I really want off all together and really be able to assess my pain and symptoms. This is extremely hard for me and no one in my life, but my husband, knows this stuff... Any words of encouragement or just replying to talk about your struggles will help me!!

    Thanks!

  2. #2
    sklingsheim is offline Junior Member
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    Something may have been confusing as I wasn't clear. My husband and I were blessed with another pregnancy three years ago, and from the start of it I knew I was going to make it. The baby was going to make it. And he did. A little early and had a difficult birth, which I believe aided in his autism as he was stuck in the birth canal for a long time and almost had to have a csection. I recently lost my grandfather, a wonderful man who lived 96 years and was ready to be with the Lord. And he left me just enough money to get out of a hole, buy out the cleaning co, and buy some land, life insurance etc. Grow the freak up. So I have all these wonderful things happening in my life! Every day I have with my son... The fact we won't be struggling anymore financially... And I'm still depressed that the docs are taking their time and not helping me and I'm still letting myself put drugs in front of God, my marriage, and my health probably. Just wanted to add that....

    Thanks!

  3. #3
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    I'm so sorry you have had such a tough road to follow. All I can say about your sister, is she probably was sexually abused too, which is why she did it to you. I'm glad you recognize that.

    I don't know anything about subs, but there are people here who do and can help you wean off if you want to quit. You are right, relying on pain meds is no way to live life. You saw your Dad go through it, and it probably weakened his immune system. You don't want to be him.

    This is a great place to air out your frustrations -- sometimes it's slow around here so if no one answers right away, just know that it never did anyone any harm by writing down their feelings. Keeping a daily journal helps tremendously, if for no other reason you can go back and read your story from the beginning. It also helps to join in on other people's threads, this is a nice community of people who are all seeking to be released from the bonds the pills/opiates have on us. So keep coming back! We're here for you. xo

  4. #4
    sklingsheim is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you Blondie50ish....I appreciate so much you taking the time to read my problems.

    I had another "episode" with my mysterious illness again last week. I was fine one minute and calling my husband to come home the next, before my son woke from his nap, because I was violently Ill and knew I was going to be "out of it" soon. I get almost comatose after a certain point when I'm like that. I can't move, talk etc. I just sit there focusing on my breathing and trying not to throw up and then I pass out for 24hrs. So I missed three days of work. Well because I run the business and the owner lives out of state, the company suffered. And usually in the past, when I get like that, I bounce back pretty quick (like a day or so)...it has been a week and I still feel weak and am not right yet. So I decided to focus on my health. Especially when my boss told me she wanted twice as much for the company as previously discussed. Not to undervalue her company, it just is an investment I can't commit to at that price nor the kind of debt I want to be in while I'm trying to figure our my health. I worked so hard I think I hit a wall. I was living on three hours of sleep and watching my son and working all night. So I no longer have a job nor am buying out the company. I have to say, I am a little relieved. I have to be healthy for my son and I fear I will wither away and die before they figure out what's wrong!

  5. #5
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    That sounds super scary! I've never heard of anyone passing out for 24 hours! That truly is a mystery illness. You probably need to see a really good doctor - you could try a neurologist (but probably costly if you don't have $$ or really good insurance), or you could also go way of a Functional Medicine doctor. They are good at getting to the root of the problem, a lot of times it comes down to what you are eating or some weird thing in your house like mold, etc. Hope you get to the root of your problem! Sorry that you had to give up on your job but like you said, your health is too big of a job to pay. Feel better soon, glad you updated. Keep coming back.

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