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Just talking
  1. #1
    blooddogg757 is offline New Member
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    Jan 2018
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    Waynesville, NC
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    Default Just talking

    Good morning,good day. I found this site by accident while looking for the best way to beat an opiate addiction. My story is quite unremarkable, but interesting none the less. I am accident prone and wild, so I end up hurting myself often. My experience with pain pills started when I was 17 years old, I flipped a go kart and broke all my ribs on the right hand side. I was prescribed 90 Vicodin 5mg with 3x refills a month. For over a year and a half! I also had to wear a girdle to protect my ribs that entire time, it sucked. Needless to say, when the girdle came off, the pills stopped. I was already drinking alcohol at this point so I don't remember any withdraw symptoms associated with the pills, although in hindsight withdraw symptoms were certainly there, night sweats, vomiting, weight loss etc., I'm sure I attributed to the alcohol. Fast forward a few years, I was selling cocaine and had a customer that was a cancer patient, she was prescribed 12mg Fentanyl sticks, like lollipops. Boxes full, she would bring me trash bags full of these things. Grape flavor, I still remember those like yesterday. I got so strung out on those >>>>>>> things, that was pure evil. I remember standing on my girlfriends front porch (now my wife) and saying I felt sick. I hurled like never before in my life, I never been "dry sick", puking from drinking too much sure, but from too many meds? Never. That hurt so bad I quit right then and there and let me say I don't carry a more lucid memory in my mind than of the days/weeks of coming off Fentanyl! Fast forward to 2 years ago, I flipped my ATV and broke my knee, tore my ACL and MCL all at once. Funny thing is, it didn't hurt like you would expect it to, my leg just didn't work anymore. I couldn't walk without crutches because my leg wouldn't support any weight or pivot, think limp noodle. I have surgery to fix my knee and the doctor opted to cut a hamstring from my own leg to rebuild the ACL/MCL and tunneled, drilled and screwed it all back together. I think I should have gotten a total knee replacement but that is neither here nor there. This brings me to my current situation which is this; from the point forward of knee surgery I have not healed. I am in constant pain in my knee/leg every waking hour and although I have tried physical therapy and exercise, there is no other pain relief outside of narcotics. It is bull>>>> is what it is because it is almost like magic, I wake up, I pop a pill, 30 minutes later I feel an invisible vice grip release my knee and I can walk, work function etc. no problems. And the most dangerous position I'm in is this, the euphoric, get high, got energy feelings of narcotics died for me in my youth, it is the fact that they actually work! And I don't abuse them I don't think, I take roughly 15mg of percocet a day. I take percocet 30mg pills and break them in to 4 equal pieces, using a 1/4 in the morning always, this is without question. Sometimes I take another 1/4 before I go to bed, sometimes I don't. But I don't want to be dependent on anything and even though I don't feel like I am abusing them, I am definitely suffering the consequences of using them. I have lost a lot of weight probably 25 lbs and I only weighed 150 to start with, people have noticed. I do have decreased sex drive, my wife has noticed. I don't currently have health insurance and am not opposed to paying out of pocket but I almost feel like more doctors and possibly more surgery will keep me on the pills. I lost my dad in September 2016, he died of a >>>>>> overdose because he was on methadone as well, I guess his heart just stopped. He was 57 years old and had been doing dope since the 70s when his father was killed by a drunk driver after coming home from the Korean war. My dad never got over that. I'm 37 years old and I don't want to spend the next 20 year's of my life walking that same path. I know what I have to do, I think I am here mostly to clear the air with myself, I live in a very small town and protect the reputation I have earned fiercely, so NA is off the table for me. My wife knows I take them sometimes, but not the full extent. I already feel better about what I have to do now that I've been honest about what I'm going thru.
    "No matter what you've done you deserve respect even if you make mistakes your lovable, and it doesn't matter your looks, skills or age, your size or anything, you're worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you."

  2. #2
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Blood glad to see you started your own thread it will make it easier for members here to follow you and support you. Welcome to the forum. Here you will find no judgement just other Addicts sharing their experience strength and hope. Well to be honest your story is not unique it's the cycle of Addiction. I'm proud of you for taking the step to admit you have a problem. Now you have to want this more than anything for yourself. You have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I for sure was. I was done with the running and chasing the garbage. I will tell you for me admitting I was an addict and getting Honest with myself was the first step for me. I told my doctor's, pharmacist,friends, family I had a drug problem to my surprise they already knew my life was out of control unmanageable. I was done with the garbage. I can now tell you that you will not know your True pain until you get clean for awhile Today for me one ibprophen works better than any Opiate. Keep reading and posting here let us know what your plan is moving forward..we are all here to support you.
    blooddogg757 likes this.

  3. #3
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Oct 2017
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    Hello Talking,

    I can dig where you are for a lot of reasons. I’m just glad you found us because I look at it like we found you. Lol

    I had the worst knee injury I’ve ever seen in 2012. 90 degrees backwards and twisted. Result....5 yrs hydrocodone. 60 days off that trash now and my knee and my attitude is infinitely better. Ibuprofen is all I need. If it’s worse than that you probably need it looked at again. I’m no doctor. I’m an engineer. But I can tell you what you probably already know. The opiates are great at first but it’s just a losing, down hill spiral to a bad ending.

    I’m glad you are here. I know about the getting it all out too. This place was a savior to me......gave me the strength to throw the pills away.

    Grateful to be clean.

    Forceout
    blooddogg757 likes this.

  4. #4
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Also, I can feel your inner battle. Especially the stuff of your youth. I beat the “up” drugs 20 yrs ago and was clean half a lifetime until the fall (from a great height) that did the knee. Hang in there, warrior, and keep posting.

    Forceout
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-10-2018 at 11:26 PM. Reason: Misspelling
    blooddogg757 likes this.

  5. #5
    blooddogg757 is offline New Member
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    Jan 2018
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    Waynesville, NC
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    Thank you for the encouragement. I went and bought some CBD oil last night, and amazingly, it seems to be taking the edge off as it is. This is day two for me without any Rx meds, Of course I've lost about 5 more lbs. in sweat and was not able to sleep thru the night, but I suppose sleep will come and if this is the worst of it I will be ok. I am very afraid of seeing a doctor because I do not want to have surgery (pills), and I don't want them to send me to a pain management clinic (pills). I live in North Carolina and these doctors are pill pushers bad! Physical therapy cost $100 a visit, and I am scheduled to go 3x a week. It is very expensive and after 8 months of PT I am in the same amount of pain and unfortunately will never recover because I have RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy).
    "No matter what you've done you deserve respect even if you make mistakes your lovable, and it doesn't matter your looks, skills or age, your size or anything, you're worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you."

  6. #6
    blooddogg757 is offline New Member
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    Jan 2018
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    Waynesville, NC
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    In response to Lvg nightmare, I don't have a specific plan going forward, take it one day at a time. Drink lots of water, stay away from the dope man, listen to lots of music. I've been dancing this morning trying to convince myself that's why I'm sweating so much. I am really unmotivated today though, it is pouring the rain here and I don't have anything to do. Today is going to be moderately difficult to get thru clean, I don't feel bad per se, I am just very tired and restless. Also, my wife works a double and my kids are in school until 3pm so here I sit with no supervision, bored tired and in pain. With meds readily available. I am less hungry today than I normally am, I know I need to eat and nothing looks appetizing. I figure by Monday all this >>>> will have purged from my body, I hope. I just keep telling myself I don't need them, but I think I am more at ease knowing there are some meds around >>. flushing the stash right now. Having them and not taking them is actually pretty empowering, in and of itself, for me anyways. I know I am stronger than an addiction. This proves it to me.
    "No matter what you've done you deserve respect even if you make mistakes your lovable, and it doesn't matter your looks, skills or age, your size or anything, you're worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you."

  7. #7
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Face to Face support... For me I have no self control. Without my Support group I'm just an addict alone...an addict alone is bad company. Keep posting we are all here to support you..
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  8. #8
    blooddogg757 is offline New Member
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    Just wanted to give an update. Today I am one week clean. I have been using the CBD oils and the results are nothing short of a miracle! My appetite has increased dramatically, I have already gained 5 lbs. back and feel much better for it. I still haven't made an appointment with a doctor, I am going to try 60 days on the oils first. I have discovered a side effect of using the oil and that is sleeplessness. Not in a , "I'm tired but can't fall asleep", toss and turn kind of way, more of an alertness? Well, it's 2 a.m. and I'm typing an update and playing Super Mario Odyssey. That kind of sleeplessness. And I have less of a desire to smoke cigarettes. My wife has mentioned she notices a marked difference in my attitude in general and attention I've shown her, so much so, she has started taking the CBD oils with me and has even been researching about whether we can/should, pros/cons, of giving it to our 9 year old daughter. (We have not given her any as of yet)

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