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Kinda struggling here:(
  1. #1
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    Default Kinda struggling here:(

    This time of year always get's me down. I guess you can say seasonal depression on top of my existing depression and anxiety. Well it's also my birthday this weekend. This time last year I went full on relapse and it's all I can think of now. I was depressed about turning 29, and now Im up against 30 sunday. I know its all just a number, but it makes you look back and reflect on those last 30 years, and to be honest im not happy with what ive done, or accomplished. I have a home, a loving wife, and a 15 month old son, those things make me happy, but I look back and just regret all the time ive wasted and not to mention money on ????.

    My good friend found his brother dead this morning from an overdose. He was way off in the deep end of opiate use. He was shooting >>>>>> last night, and took some xanax and never woke up. So that is really weighing on my mind as well. I watched that kid grow up. Hell we gave him his first toke off a marijuana blunt. I almost feel responsible, which is crazy I know. But I guess i just wanted to get this off my mind somewhere, so I chose here Im hanging tough, but so many negative thoughts are running through right now. I hope everyone else is doing well. Take care.
    Clean as of 5.29.2014

    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"

  2. #2
    toni.s. is offline Member
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    hey CK.
    good to hear from u.
    sux that it's under these circumstances..
    but i'm kinda just glad that ur getting it out nonetheless.

    ok.
    so i wrote this whole long reply back to you..
    but to be honest..
    there was only one part that i'd written in the whole thing that stuck out to me and that i wanted to keep.

    it may have sounded better in a different context..but oh well.

    backwards made sense when i was high.
    backwards doesn't make sense now that i'm sober.

    CK.
    i can relate to you.
    a month ago i was going through the same thing.
    not a death.
    i'm rly sorry about that.
    but i was going through my 'reason to use' excuse.
    sorry to say it like that..
    but that's rly all it is.


    but you know what?!
    i didn't use.
    and i'm not just saying this..
    my life just gets better and better.
    i swear.

    and you know what?
    i haven't even had a using thought since!
    it's almost like..
    and i even said it..
    it was like a 'make it or break it' moment..
    cuz i couldn't get rid of my reservation.
    but ..
    by the grace of God..
    i didn't use.
    and now i just feel like i made the decision NOT to use.
    i'm not here cuz i have to be.
    i'm here cuz i WANT to be.

    it makes a difference in how i view using now.
    i DON'T WANT to.

    but, like i said..
    i can relate.
    i was going through a hard time..

    so sure..
    it's easy to NOT want to use when everything's great.
    but when times are hard?! ..
    argh...it's tough.

    but i promise you..
    get through this..
    and u'll only come out stronger.

    my life just gets better and better.
    and i know yours is too.

    just get through this..
    without picking up..
    and you're THAT much stronger than ur disease.
    and ur life will be THAT much better than it were if u were using.
    think about it.

    to quote REID..
    this too shall pass..
    lol argh..
    i hate hearing that.
    but sooo true.

    lol..
    orrr...how about u listen to your own advice..
    "when a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer."

    guess it's time to sit still.
    pretty sure ur in good hands though

    i'm really sorry about ur friend. btw.
    and.. happy birthday!



    i think u'll be fine.

    the fact that ur on here, talking it through, speaks volumes.

    sry if this doesn't make sense. SUPER tired. need to get to bed.
    but i had the urge to check on here.

    i don't know if anything i said will be helpful to you.
    but i just want you to know that i've been there.
    and i can relate to you.
    and that it gets better.
    promise.

  3. #3
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Comeback Kid View Post
    This time of year always get's me down. I guess you can say seasonal depression on top of my existing depression and anxiety. Well it's also my birthday this weekend. This time last year I went full on relapse and it's all I can think of now. I was depressed about turning 29, and now Im up against 30 sunday. I know its all just a number, but it makes you look back and reflect on those last 30 years, and to be honest im not happy with what ive done, or accomplished. I have a home, a loving wife, and a 15 month old son, those things make me happy, but I look back and just regret all the time ive wasted and not to mention money on ????.

    My good friend found his brother dead this morning from an overdose. He was way off in the deep end of opiate use. He was shooting >>>>>> last night, and took some xanax and never woke up. So that is really weighing on my mind as well. I watched that kid grow up. Hell we gave him his first toke off a marijuana blunt. I almost feel responsible, which is crazy I know. But I guess i just wanted to get this off my mind somewhere, so I chose here Im hanging tough, but so many negative thoughts are running through right now. I hope everyone else is doing well. Take care.

    Dear CK,

    Just hoping a few words of encouragement from someone who's a little further down the traintracks might help you. I turned 30 when I was still active, and it was my worst birthday. When I read that you're looking at 30 tomorrow - and depressed about it - I had to share a little perspective that I've gained.

    Our disease doesn't just go into remission when we stop the drugs. It's still alive and well within us, and it's favorite place to dance around in is our thinking and our emotions. So when we stop using, we have to learn how to change how we think - which will, in turn, change how we feel. That's how the process works. If there's one thing I've learned over the years of recovery, it's that we have a whole lot more control over how we feel than we realize we do. If we sit and stew over something negative - and allow our minds to fully engage in that negative place, we WILL cause ourselves to feel perfectly awful. It's automatic, we don't even have to try! Our emotions respond to what we're thinking about.

    So - what we need to do is change our thinking. (That's a skill we learn through the 12-steps, by the way.) We have the choice of what we think about. We are not victims of life, which is what we think we are when we're active. The #1 tool for changing our thinking is the easiest tool imaginable. Write out a gratitude list. Seriously - just take a piece of paper (or a blank monitor screen) and start listing EVERYTHING that comes to mind that you are grateful for. Don't just think it - write it down so you can see the list in full. You can start with the easy stuff you mentioned - recovery, the house, the wife, the child - and move on from there. I'm grateful for my... power drill? My car? My tv? Then move on... I'm grateful for my eyesight, my hearing, my favorite music. How about, I'm grateful for my grandmother, my best friend, the neighbor who lets me borrow his lawnmower when mine breaks? And go within, as well - I'm grateful for my faith, my insight, my perseverance. The list will be - and should be - quite long. Save it. Add to it as time goes on. Make it a daily project, an open document on your desktop and add to it. Fuel your gratitude... and you will find the change in your overall attitude is remarkable.

    And you will come to see what i learned, it is damned hard to feel sorry for ourselves when we are faced with a list of what we have in our lives to be grateful for.

    Right now - you are focused on the complete opposite. You are focusing on everything that hasn't gone right in your life. That's fuel for not only depression - but fuel to use again. We can all CHOOSE to look at what's lacking in our lives - or all the ways we screwed up - but is that any productive use of our time? Is there any good that comes from that? No!

    30 is just about the coolest birthday there is. From my perspective (much further down the road!), 30 is the first milestone that truly says, "Welcome to the adult world." We flounder a lot before we're 30; we don't know what we want. When we turn 30, the adult world starts to take us seriously. You've become one of "us." We'll listen to you more intently. We'll better value your opinions, knowing that you've had the life experience enough to know the basis of your beliefs and values.

    You have been BLESSED by finding recovery before 30 - absolutely, positively BLESSED. That is a gift that many never find - or if they do, it's many more years down the road. Let go of the losses - they're gone. Dwelling on them will only make you angry, bitter, depressed. They were the price you paid to get to today. In order to find your way to recovery from this fatal disease, you had to experience every single thing you did while active. Every dollar lost, every opportunity lost, every person lost. We don't find recovery until the pain of continuing to use the drugs penetrated our denial.

    With the loss of your friend's brother, learn the lesson his death is teaching you. That could be you. Suddenly, your losses to this disease really don't amount to much, compared to his, do they?

    Yes, we wasted a lot of time and money in the past, thanks to drugs. But any time we spend in recovery dwelling on the lost time and lost opportunities is more wasted time! Don't add to your losses. Recovery is not a grim place, where we just grit our teeth and fight temptation! As we work through the 12 steps, we are changed from within. Our lives take on new meaning and purpose. Our attitudes change. Our fears are lessened. We learn how to cope with difficult situations or tough emotions without it plunging us into turmoil.

    You are turning 30 - it's the beginning of a new life for you. Look at it as an opportunity, rather than evidence of what losses went before it. God is giving you the change for a new beginning. You still are blessed with your life, your home, your wife and child... that's so much more than most folks still have, early in recovery. This really is cause for celebration, but that can only occur when you shift your thinking. Start with a gratitude list - and see if that helps.

    And welcome to the adult world!

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  4. #4
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you Toni for your reply, and WOW Ruth, you are always there to pick me up I admit I cried at your post, but it makes me really think how truly lucky I am, and how much I have to be thankful for. I will try your exercises(cognitive), and also need to try and physically exercise more. You are an invaluable resource to this forum Ruth, and I thank you so much for your wisdom.

    Take care. So im officially an adult??? that's kinda fun
    Clean as of 5.29.2014

    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"

  5. #5
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Comeback Kid View Post
    Thank you Toni for your reply, and WOW Ruth, you are always there to pick me up I admit I cried at your post, but it makes me really think how truly lucky I am, and how much I have to be thankful for. I will try your exercises(cognitive), and also need to try and physically exercise more. You are an invaluable resource to this forum Ruth, and I thank you so much for your wisdom.

    Take care. So im officially an adult??? that's kinda fun

    Dear "Comeback Kid,"

    So glad to hear my words help. In my own life, I really do swear by the gratitude focus - it's completely changed my whole outlook on life. So whenever I feel myself slipping into negative thinking, depression or self-pity, I re-double my thoughts on "gratitude" and it turns things around for me, rather quickly.

    Here's one of my favorite messages on gratitude, thought I'd pass it along as a little "birthday gift" to you! It was written by Melody Beattie, one of the best known writers on recovery topics, including the book series, "Codependent No More."


    Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.
    It turns what we have into enough, and more.
    It turns denial into acceptance,
    chaos to order,
    confusion to clarity.
    It can turn a meal into a feast,
    a house into a home,
    a stranger into a friend.
    Gratitude makes sense of our past,
    brings peace for today,
    and creates a vision for tomorrow.
    (Melody Beattie)


    The big day has arrived - you can now move up to the grown up table... lol! I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

    Birthday hugs,
    Ruth

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  6. #6
    Lildog is offline New Member
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    Kid
    In my short time here I have seen no better of a good level headed young Man than you. There is no future in the past...other than learning and not letting the Past in your future. You already have some of the greatest things in your short life that no amount of Money could ever buy. Love of a good woman and a precious child. Make the most of your future by letting the past go.

    So sorry for the loss of your friend.

    Your Only 30!! Happy B-Day

    Warm thoughts
    Lildog
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  7. #7
    Kikker is offline Advanced Member
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    Happy Birthday CK...

    brilliant post(s) by Artist (Ruth) above and Lildog's comments are right on the money. also Toni's post was amazing in it's own right....

    i just wanted to say that we can't live in the past but we can never forget it either (another version of lildog's post). i read that here somewhere and have also been well advised of that in my NA/AA meetings. i believe it would serve u well at this point...it has done wonders for me.

    i'm very sorry for the loss of ur friend, but i believe u can also learn from it as Artist said....

    i've read many of ur comments here and think very highly of u my friend. keep ur chin up and do ur best to enjoy ur very special day today....ur CLEAN and that make's it all possible!

    to a very Happy Birthday,
    Kikker
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-04-2012 at 07:04 AM.
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  8. #8
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    My goodness folks. All of you are too kind. Im sitting here sobbing like a baby, but in joy To think that total strangers care and are there to pick you up in hard times is just mind blowing. Thanks so much everyone, im going to enjoy this day, the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

    Big table, here I come!
    Clean as of 5.29.2014

    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"

  9. #9
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Comeback Kid View Post
    My goodness folks. All of you are too kind. Im sitting here sobbing like a baby, but in joy To think that total strangers care and are there to pick you up in hard times is just mind blowing. Thanks so much everyone, im going to enjoy this day, the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

    Big table, here I come!

    Recovery really is an entrance to an entirely different way of life. In the fellowship of AA or NA, you find the family that you never had before; people who will understand where you've been, and accept you as you are. We help the next guy because the last guy helped us. My life was saved by a hundred different "angels" along my journey, who picked me up when I was ready to quit - and encouraged me to keep strong. They promised me that better days were ahead, and I took a leap of faith and believed them. I avoided that FIRST drink and that FIRST pill, and I kept moving forward.

    Here's a well-known passage from the AA big book, entitled "The Promises." It was written as a message for us, after we completed Step 9 (making amends to those we have harmed). When I was new, I thought it sure sounded good, but was probably just a whole bunch of wishful thinking that I'd never find. But when they call it "The Promises" - they meant it. I'm living it, as are thousands of other folks who are committed to their recovery program. This is what occurs as we work our way through the 12 steps:


    The Promises

    If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

    We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
    We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
    We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
    No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
    That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
    We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
    Self-seeking will slip away.
    Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
    Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
    We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
    We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

    Are these extravagant promises?
    We think not.
    They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
    They will always materialize if we work for them.


    I'm so very glad to hear the enthusiasm in your birthday post - YES! This day is meant to be enjoyed. For that matter, every day is! If you stay clean, your life WILL improve. I promise!

    God bless,
    Ruth

    Pssst.... Remember to keep your elbows off the table, young man, or you'll be back to the kid's table... lol
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  10. #10
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you so much for the words of wisdom Ruth. My Grandmother's name was Ruth, and she just passed last year. I was stoned at her funeral, so when I see your name Im reminded that (in a sense) she is still here looking after me Again thank you so much for your kind and guiding words. They are invaluable to people like us. Take Care.
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  11. #11
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    I'd just like to include a poem that was in my Granny's bible.

    "When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
    When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
    When the funds are low and the debts are high,
    And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
    When care is pressing you down a bit,
    Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

    Life is queer with its twists and turns,
    As every one of us sometimes learns,
    And many a failure turns about,
    When he might have won had he stuck it out;
    Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
    You may succeed with another blow.

    Success is failure turned inside out--
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
    And you never can tell how close you are,
    It may be near when it seems so far,
    So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
    It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."
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  12. #12
    GregL123 is offline Junior Member
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    Hey CK,
    When you look back, learn from your mistakes don't let it get you down. Remember you can not change the past only now and the future. Focus on your family now and their the future.
    Birthdays can get you down i think that's normal, heck I'll be 48 this year and to top it all it's doomsday (12-21-2012) lol.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your friends brother that has happened to several of my sons friends and as a parent it hits me hard for the parents and families. You should not feel responsible for his choices, my wife and I did for a long time with our son. The reason I joined this forum was my oldest was on >>>>>>. I found this forum and the support here is great, I never post to msg boards except this one, when I was scared that morning you helped me. Btw Gizzy is such a great puppy and growing 60 lbs now.
    Stay strong my friend, and remember focus on you and your loving family now not the past.
    Wow that poem is great, I'm going to copy it and read it from time to time to remind myself.

    GregL

    ps went to the lake yesterday waliking the bank with my light rod, caught about 30 crappie, they're moving to the shallows.
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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    HEy CK... Been without power and have not been on in a while.. I wanted to tell you Happy Bday and how sorry I am for your loss... But I also want to commend you for sticking to your plan and not using... It is hard sometimes to deal with life, but the fact that you processed things and did not use is a GOOD thing. When we are active in out use, it is so easy to justify thqat one pill. Good time... use... Bad time use....hard times are inevitable aand life will give you a big plate of poo on a regular basis, but by doing what you are doing and seeking help... you put yourself in a good position to suceed. I am proud of you CK.. Stay Vigilant and Stay the course and I DO BELIEVE this too shall pass... Reid
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    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you so much Reid and Greg. Greg, sounds like I need to come up there; all the crappie have just vanished around here. Not sure what im doing wrong Still giving it a go when I have daylight and it isn't too cold The Bass are definitely moving up, while not easy to entice with what I have thrown. They are fun when one does bite. Seems like right now in the deep south, top water early and then a shallow crankbait or jerkbait as the sun comes up, is the answer.

    Everyone take care.
    Clean as of 5.29.2014

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    GregL123 is offline Junior Member
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    CK,
    I just want to know you're OK. If you're ever in the area i would be honored to take you fishing.

    GregL

    I'd like to think there is hope for my boys
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-06-2012 at 07:14 PM.
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  16. #16
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you Greg. Im doing a' o.k.
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    GregL123 is offline Junior Member
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    You're an inspiration, thank you.

    GregL

  18. #18
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    Alright, im struggling again....Obama just took re-election...oh my head....
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  19. #19
    GregL123 is offline Junior Member
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    Im with you
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  20. #20
    Lildog is offline New Member
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    Guess Us Women Folks found our way out of those Binders!!!! Live and Learn
    Sorry I couldn't resist it is a Southern Thang~~
    Warm Thoughts
    Lildog
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  21. #21
    Sunny mom is offline Member
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    CK, all the best to you, I am so sorry about your friend, and so sorry to see you struggling a bit. I am pulling for you, and I know you will get through! 30 and with SOO much to live for, remember life has bumps in it, and we have to manage those as best we can...as you've been doing and will continue to do!!
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    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you SM! Im doing better and better. Today we buried my friend's brother and it was hard. Its hard sitting in the church and thinking "this could be your funeral". It's eye opening, but sadly doesn't open the eye's of an addict for long usually. I can say after 5 funerals in the last 2 years, i'd much rather be in the back of the church pews(sober) rather than up front below the pastor(dead).

    -Lildog, just how far south are you? Im a ways below the mason dixon myself
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-07-2012 at 04:55 PM.
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  23. #23
    jjling1979 is offline New Member
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    I lost my mom six weeks ago to suicide by prescription drugs i lost my brother 3 years ago to street bought xanax weed other drugs and finally a gunshot wound so ive seen alot for 33 years old. In saying that you sound very level headed have an awesome im sure very young family and i wanted to thank you personaly for they poem from your grandmother it broke me down so to speak. Hope you dont mind i copied it and saved it to refer to from time to time and if you do message me or post and i will delete it off my files god as my witness.

    Thank you so much

    jason
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  24. #24
    GregL123 is offline Junior Member
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    Hey CK,
    my wife helped me with this
    There but for the grace of God go I
    So when you start feeling depressed, love your wife and hug your son and tell yourself YOU are worthy of Gods Blessings

    GregL
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  25. #25
    Lildog is offline New Member
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    Hey Kid
    I am on the Fla Ga Line 8 miles from Atlantic Ocean. Was raised where the Seminole winds blows moved Here in 98.

    Warm Thoughts
    Lildog

  26. #26
    kc50 is offline Member
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    Comeback,

    I am so sorry of the loss of your friend. You can struggle here with me. I also hate this time of year...daylight savings, holidays...We can struggle together. I am 50 and have been an alcoholic for 30 yrs. 30 YRS! As long as you have been alive!!! Now I have another addiction. Opiates. I look back on my life, too. But spending toomuch time in the past, we will miss the present. And I don't want to do that. It's what we do today I want to present in. So just for today, you know the drill. Struggle with me. I could use a friend. Happy Birthday!!
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  27. #27
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    hey KC, don't let the past guide your future. There is nothing you can do about the past. Live for the day, and plan for tomorrow. Hope is never lost until your last breath. Good luck, and thank you. Thanks to all who have replied.

    And anything I post here is free to be copy and pasted anywhere, if it means helping one person. Then im doing something right.
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  28. #28
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    WOW, when it rains it pours. My wife comes home from work and says she may lose her job, all from a simple charting mistake as a nurse. Please pray for our family, hopefully she will keep her license. I don't know what im going to do! So freaking out
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  29. #29
    GregL123 is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Comeback Kid View Post
    hey KC, don't let the past guide your future. There is nothing you can do about the past. Live for the day, and plan for tomorrow. Hope is never lost until your last breath. Good luck, and thank you. Thanks to all who have replied.

    And anything I post here is free to be copy and pasted anywhere, if it means helping one person. Then im doing something right.
    Hey CK you do understand it, that's very important. Keep up the great progress, and keep living life, you have sooo much to live for.

    GregL
    Comeback Kid likes this.

  30. #30
    saddad1 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    177

    Default

    We have a whole bunch in common CK...my wife is also a nurse. I have a 21 month old daughter, I turned 30 in june and felt the same way about my lack of 'life' that I have lived. I'm only a week and a half out of the jaws of this beast, but I can relate to your position.

    I LOVE your quotes btw. I pray that, unlike you and your situation, I can regain the trust of my wife and be able to be in the same home with my girls again soon. Cherish what you have...I took it for granted for too long and I'm paying for it now. She is a tough love, but it is love nonetheless and for that I will always be grateful. I just hope that I get the chance to help us share our dream together...
    Comeback Kid and kc50 like this.

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