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Living with an addict in denial
  1. #1
    kathy1965 is offline New Member
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    Default Living with an addict in denial

    My boyfriend is a cocaine addict.
    He disappears for days at a time blows all his money and then calls begging me to take him back when he is done.
    He's was stopped by the police once with a prostitute in his car and swears nothing was going on. I need to understand what happens when people use cocaine. He has sold things to get money while on his runs to keep him in cocaine. He swears he doesn't use at home.
    And I've never found any. I just need to know why you would want to go to the worst part of the city live in your car for days just to get high. He says he does it to take away his mental pain by the way this happens mostly after we have an argument. Need some advice please

  2. #2
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey kathy. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Addiction is tough. One of the toughest things I've ever had to deal with. But that does not excuse our behavior. I know for myself when I was hooked on oxy's I would do anything and everything to feed the monster. I became the worst version of myself. Didn't matter, I would have stolen from my own mother if it meant I could get high. It's no way to live and that type of behavior can not be accepted. Addict are some of the best liars, manipulators and con artists around. Like I said we will do anything. I know you said he hasn't done it at home and I don't want to call him a liar but I know I found amazing hiding places for my stash while using. You DO NOT deserve or need to put up with this. A lot of the times we need to hit rock bottom and see how we have messed up. If he knows he can go on a bender whenever he wants and come back and give you puppy dog eyes and it'll be ok. Than guess what. That is what he will do because that type of behavior has been acceptable.

    Ansd the prostitute in the car........ come on, what were they going for a ride????

    My advice is this. Put your foot down. Let him know that you can't keep doing this. Give him options, aa,na, face to face support. Etc. But it doesn't sound like this is a healthy relationship and you do not deserve that. Show him who the strong one is and give him an example to follow. If he is willing tto put in the work great. But if not, that's ok too. His loss!! Everyone deserves to be happy and it sounds like he is taking that from you.

    I hope this helps. Just my 2 cents
    Let us know what happens. We are all here for you!!
    Beef
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-14-2017 at 02:51 PM.
    Lvg nghtmare and kathy1965 like this.

  3. #3
    kathy1965 is offline New Member
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    Thanks for your input. Yeah he said the prostitute was helping him find the drugs. didn't believe it then and still don't.
    I am more confused about how he can go weeks without using and then just go on a binge
    He has hit rock bottom, last time he was gone for 10 days, I told him to get help or don't come home. He lasted 24 hours. I took him back because I couldn't stand the thought of him being homeless.

  4. #4
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Kathy, the only suggestion I can give you other than all Beef has already said. For you Kathy you might want to check into some face to face support.. Al-Anon might benefit you. Be well..
    Beefaroni7272 and kathy1965 like this.
    ***Stay Strong for Today***

  5. #5
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hello Kathy and Welcome to the Forum,

    First I'll answer one of your questions. You asked how he can be off and running for ten days and then stop until the next time. I have never used coke but my son is an active addict and has used and abused with the best of them just about everything known to mankind and that includes coke and crac*. His favorite is hero **. From my front row seat, I can tell you that it's been my experience that there are less physical withdrawal symptoms for coke and it's close relatives than from opiates. The draw for coke is more of a mental one as it brings intense good feelings so intense, in fact that the fall back to reality is beyond difficult. Addiction to opiates creates intense physical withdrawals that is followed by that fall to reality. It's all mind altering but it's not unusual for coke addicts to binge and then abstain and then binge again. Once addicted to opiates you will get physically ill. There's a lot more to it than this and it certainly doesn't mean that your bf doesn't or won't use daily it's just possible that he doesn't.

    Beef gave you some true insight into the mind of an addict. I too am a recovering addict and every description he gave to you of the lying, manipulation, and resourcefulness is the bitter truth. I know both sides of this disease and I know it well. I am the text book enabler and so I totally understand it. I live daily wondering which would be worse, finding my son dead in bed one morning or getting a phone call that he's been found dead under a bridge. I don't like either of those choices but I don't get a choice except how I allow my son's addiction to effect my life. That in itself creates a brand new kind of h*ll. The one question that was asked of me and what carries me through some days is if he could afford to live his life style if he weren't for me. The obvious answer is no. It's hard to argue that logic.

    You can't totally understand the way an addict's mind works. The best you can do is to find support for yourself like Lvg suggested. Getting together with others who love an addict is the very best thing you can do for yourself. You can't identify with an addict who you love but you can identify with others who love an addict. Find a meeting and go. You can't help him but you can help you.

    Peace,

    Cat

  6. #6
    kathy1965 is offline New Member
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    Thanks for all the suggestions, I am going to look into a NA meeting in my area. I get no support from family or friends they just say let him go, get rid of him. But I can't.
    There have been nights at 3 am where I have gotten phone calls from him begging for me to come and get him because he didn't know where his truck was or it had simply broken down and I would get up and go find him, to the worst neighborhood in the city. I would bring him home let him sleep it off, as soon as I started with questions I got "I don't want to talk about it", well I do, I need to know or at least i think i do. I am just tired of walking on eggshells because he seems to use when we have fights or when his depression gets the best of him. I can usually tell by his moods when he is getting ready to run and I can prepare myself for it. The last time i told him he needed help he agreed and went to a rehab house, was supposed to be there for 30 days, he lasted 24 hours.told me if i didn't come and get him he would leave anyway and be on the streets. I am the queen of enablers apparently because i just keep letting him do without consequences or limits. I have to change this for the both of us. Thanks again everyone.

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