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Loved one is an addict
  1. #1
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    Default Loved one is an addict

    I just need to vent and maybe get some advice... I've been dealing with this for a long time too. I've been with my bf for 13 years now. We have an 11 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. My bf has been doing meth off and on the whole time. I made it clear in the beginning it was not ok. apparently not clear enough. Since day one, there have been trust issues, I feel like drugs and girls go hand in hand with him. He swears he would never cheat and that he has always been so in love with me. We got together when I was 17. I'm 30 now. I feel like we both became co-dependent, like he took on the father role for me. Once I hit like 29 though, I realized, if he is not going to be here for me and the kids, I need to be. He's made some good changes once he saw I was really fed up and coming into my own.
    Before, he would be out all night 3-4 nights a week. Still is, about 2 nights a week now. After I caught him emailing someone to meet up for sex, I tried to make him leave. He swears it was just out of boredom and as soon as it looked real, he stopped. anyways, he cried and begged for my forgiveness, said everything I wanted to hear and seemed like he absolutely understood everything I was saying. (that happened again about 3 months later)
    Back track--- he will sleep for days, home with my son. He's also a very "passionate" yet verbally abusive man. He can be hilarious, one of the reasons I fell in love, but also very temperamental and manipulative. I believe he is mean to our daughter, he goes on these rants, like he will to me sometimes too, saying the same thing over and over and over, uses the f word a lot too. My mom thinks I should leave him, as do all of my good friends. They all see it, I have so much support. But it's so hard, he is a best friend, my family, we talk about everything and have been a part of each others daily lives for so long. He's involved in almost everything in my life.
    He doesn't work, doesn't have a license, no money, no where to go. I've been the only one working, cooking, cleaning, worrying, taking care of everyone for years now and it does kill you, it literally slowly kills you.. I can predict by the way he talks to me in the morning, what's going to happen that day and if he will be home that night. For years I used to wait up for him, with horrible anxiety, seriously thinking he had to be dead, a car accident or something, because there is no way he would stay gone again, I'd wait up and then have to go to work, then wait forever after for him to pick me up. He promised, over and over he'd be right back. Now, I sleep better when he's gone. He thinks I live in the past, but all of this effected me throughout time, it was never justified or apologized for. He says maybe I didn't make him feel wanted at home. He thinks it was all a control thing on my part. I think I should have left a long time ago. I should have had some standards as far as how I allow myself and my kid to be treated. I feel completely stuck. He knows I want to try be without him, but he loves me and the kids too much to let us go. I have enabled this for too long I know. It feels good to forgive and to hope, but now, it's almost like I've been let down so much, I can't give my all anymore. I'm just about numb inside now. I don't get mad at him, but I certainly don't get happy either.
    I hate the chaos, the mess, the lack of routine and feeling completely responsible for someone else's happiness. I know, I'm only responsible for myself and my children. Why can't I just leave? He's got me to a point where I'm almost afraid of telling him if I find something. I'll be yelled at for snooping, or all I want to do is find something. Which is not the case. It's my instincts, they are usually right. There's just so much, too much, sorry for the rant and all the different topics. I'm just torn and sick of it.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    So sorry to find you here and in this predicament. You know what you should do and I know how hard it is. You have been mentally abused for a very long time, from a very tender age. I know exactly now that makes one feel. Believe me on that one! I wasn't brave enough to get out on my own. My husband left me. I was crushed. Totally and completely. He was my high school sweetheart, we got married and had two children. It took a lot of time to get over him and you know, turns out it was the best thing that ever happened to me! We dated for 5 years, got married when I was 20 and he left me when I was 35. I never EVER felt worthy of him. I always felt the need to do more. Let me just tell you, there isn't enough. The healing and feeling of self esteem comes from inside of our own souls. However, you won't find it when there is someone there on a daily basis telling you either in words or action that you get exactly what you deserve. OK. That's my codependent speech.

    His addiction. You have explained precisely how an addict acts and thinks. He is not unique. His entire persona is that of an active addict. You are snoopy. You are bossy. You are a control freak. Yup, yup, and yup again. He is perfect! Yeah. Not so much. I seriously worry about you and your kids. If you don't have the strength to get the h*ll outta there for yourself, then do it for your kids! You are setting an example for them that it's OK to be treated like you're being treated. I know this sounds cliche, but it's the truth. Time and time I have seen it in my life and the lives of others. Children who grow up around addiction and abuse take this as the norm. You are going to set your kids up to be willing to accept the things that you have accepted. It's always easier to believe that the bad things are OK than to believe that the good things should be natural.

    Please, please listen to your family and your friends. I know you think he is your best friend and maybe he was at one time. I had always considered my ex-husband my best friend too and maybe he was at one time. This man is destructive to himself and to you and your kids. I wish I could sit you down face to face and help you see the insanity of this. What on earth do you need him for anyway? Find a new best friend, darling.

    Keep posting. I so hope you get control of your heart and do what you have to do.

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #3
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    I know, thank you so much. Sometimes it just helps to hear it from someone outside of my circle. And yes, my daughter will grow up thinking it's ok to be yelled at, lied to, and to put up with all of these things I put up with. And my son will grow up thinking he can treat women like this. I know. I feel like I know all of this and I have dissected it, in and out. Read books, watched shows, I even went to therapy on my own after my daughter was born. He's just got this hold on me. When it comes down to it, I draw back, because I don't want him to yell and cry and make me feel like >>>>. I always end up just saying, ok ok.. then resent him even more. I'm missing out on so much of my life, I want so much more. I don't think he will ever get strong or independent unless I leave him. He needs to rely on himself for confidence and happiness, not me. I can't give that to him, not anymore. I know he loves me, he will never leave me, willingly. Sometimes, I wish that were the case. But I think a lot of that is he just doesn't want anyone else to have me, he's super attracted to me. (likes porn too, which I have had to accept along with everything else) He's extremely jealous. I don't live a normal life, I live a life according to what he wants me to be and do. He thinks I'm just real and faithful, which I am, but I've been hiding this unhappiness for too long. Anyways, thank you so much for letting me rant, I'm sure my friends and family are getting tired of hearing it, and me not doing anything about it. I know what I need to do. He knows too, he just said the other day, he is sorry for forcing me to stay with him. I hope the strength I pray for will help me out.

  4. #4
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by codependent13 View Post
    He doesn't work, doesn't have a license, no money, no where to go. I've been the only one working, cooking, cleaning, worrying, taking care of everyone for years now and it does kill you, it literally slowly kills you..

    Catrina is absolutely spot on as she always is.

    When you wrote the above highlighted sentence I thought to myself, that's reason enough to leave him addict or not. And you mentioned that he will sleep for days. It's a heartbreaking situation, and you deserve better, much, much better.

    I'm not judging him because I'm an addict myself, in recovery, but did many of the same things he is doing. My live in girlfriend finally had enough and packed her things and left. Turns out it was the best thing to happen to me because I got myself out of active addiction and changed my life.

    You do not need him for anything!

    Randy
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  5. #5
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    Thank you Randy, it's so helpful to hear your side as well, being a recovering addict. Congrats on that.
    You're right, I do deserve better. I keep saying to myself ok, next time I'm gonna do it, next time he does this or that, I'm out.. but I don't and like I've heard over and over, I don't need another excuse. It's gone on long enough. I just wish he didn't make it so hard for me. He tries to be so sweet, with the rages in between, and my kids do love him, he tries to be active with them...fact is, the bad outweighs the good. I don't know if they will blame me for leaving or blame me for staying. Will he be ok?
    I want someone who will be my partner, consistently. Wake up with me, get the kids ready, maybe clean the house for me or at least do the dishes, maybe cook something? Come to bed with me? I can see it, I know it's there. My dear friend told me I am probably missing out on that person, staying where I'm at. I don't even know if I could be with anyone else for a while, which is fine. Who knows how long it will take for me to see the extent of the damage he's done, once I'm gone. Anyways, I'm just rambling now. I'm so glad I found this forum. Thanks again.

  6. #6
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Keep right on posting because it really helps. You have friends here that truly care about you. Rant all you want to. Others will be very supportive and post soon I'm sure.

    I mean what kind of guy says he would never cheat yet you discover him emaiing his planning to meet up with someone for sex??? What is he doing that you don't know about?

    I see no future for you with this guy. Go back and re-read what you've wrote and listen to your own words. I really think you need to run far and fast.

    Randy

  7. #7
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    I do keep reading what I wrote and it makes me cry.
    I know, I'd like to say I was surprised when I found the email. I really don't go looking for things, they literally seem to be thrown in my face. I always ask god for a sign, he gives it and I turn my cheek. Everything is right here at my feet, my own house, my own car, job, great friends and family. I feel like I could be in such a good place if it weren't for all this. He once said to me, " I hold you back, you deserve better, you could have so much better". I guess it finally stuck. I need to put my thoughts into actions, I need him to not have such a grip on my heart. I hate hurting anyone and I know it's going to hurt him. I'm used to it, he's not.

  8. #8
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    I have a question for you Randy. So I used to find drugs and pipes and things. I used to flush them or get rid of them, now, if I do find something I ask him to get rid of it. I don't know what it's like to be an addict, what if he really needed that? or owed somebody money? Did I just cause him to go into withdraws? He's embarrassed about it, so I don't like to make him feel worse about it. I used to when I was young, now I almost have sympathy for him. which enables him. what a cycle huh? Do I get rid of it or ask him to? It doesn't need to be in the same house as my children. period. There's my answer. I just need to talk to myself sometimes, lol..

  9. #9
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there..
    It is so sad to read your reality..
    Especially for your children..

    I don't think he knows what love is. C
    Love doesn't hurt
    Love doesn't lie
    Love doesn't abuse..

    I could go on and on ...
    If you think that this love I feel for you ...
    It is not ..
    Not only are you teaching your children the meaning of a marriage you are depriving yourself of your own identity..
    You are the bread winner
    You are the adult..
    You are right he will probably... never leave..
    So he is there by default..

    You deserve more ..
    He loves his drugs ..
    That is his lover
    Friend
    Go to for everything..

    I hope to god you will kick him out..
    Stick to it..
    Not only are you putting your children's whole outlook on life
    In jeopardy!
    You are not even really really helping him..
    What do you love about him?

    Name 10 things ..
    Based on now ..
    Not what was...
    That doesn't matter anymore..

    If your self esteem is low
    I guarantee you supporting and sticking by an addict in active addiction.
    Is not going to help it..
    You feel
    Used
    Abused
    Take advantage of
    Unappreciated
    Disrespected

    So if that is what you want your children to see and believe is a normal way of life..
    Congratulations
    You got it!

    You are smart
    Resourcefull
    Patient
    You are all the things he is not !

    Get out while you can!

    No amount of love or hope or patience is going to make him stop and change..
    Having an affair with another woman is practically the same as his using drugs..

    Please take the advice and the support of your family and friends and
    Role model for your children
    What strength
    Responsibilty
    Commitment
    Integrity
    Look like..

    Because that is your responsibilty..
    Without you role modeling these behaviors .
    You are just hoping for the best..

    Do you really want other people to teach your children about life ?
    And what it means to have a moral compass to live by?
    I think you know what to do..
    Do it and your children will see the strength and the love that you have for them and for yourself..
    It can be done!

    Fear of the unknown is always scarey..
    Make a plan
    Stick to it !
    Let him find his way..
    If he finds a way to get clean and come back ?
    So be it !
    If not you can still move on ..
    The best gift you can give your children
    Is
    A healthy, happy ,spiritually fit mom!
    Go for it !
    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-23-2015 at 06:31 PM.
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  10. #10
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    Thank you Bette. That's the thing, I'm not insecure, I feel like I'm a very smart and beautiful person. I have integrity and a deep connection to the world in general. I have many good roots and beliefs and morals. I do not think this is love we have, it's total co-dependency and some weird kind of comfort zone. I can do this, I will be fine, as scary as it will be. My concern, albeit stupid, is that he will not be ok. He doesn't understand. I think until he can pick himself up on his own two feet, he won't understand. I know what I need to do and I know my concern need to be for my kids, not him. You said name 10 things.. I can't. I'm getting stronger by the minute.
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  11. #11
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by codependent13 View Post
    I have a question for you Randy. So I used to find drugs and pipes and things. I used to flush them or get rid of them, now, if I do find something I ask him to get rid of it. I don't know what it's like to be an addict, what if he really needed that? or owed somebody money? Did I just cause him to go into withdraws? He's embarrassed about it, so I don't like to make him feel worse about it. I used to when I was young, now I almost have sympathy for him. which enables him. what a cycle huh? Do I get rid of it or ask him to? It doesn't need to be in the same house as my children. period. There's my answer. I just need to talk to myself sometimes, lol..


    Yup, sometimes you just have to think it through. If you give the "stuff" back to him do you think he gets rid of it? Hardly I bet. So what if it makes him feel worse, it's your life he's disrupting. Yours and your children. He's making you miserable so why not make him miserable if you get the chance. If he owes dealers money they will get it one way or another.

    I have a question for you. If he's not working, has no money, doesn't drive ,etc....how is he getting/buying the drugs? Have you noticed valuables missing? Does he have access to your accounts? Is he trading sexual favors for drugs? How do you believe he's getting the drugs and paying for them?

    The addict mind works like this....Drugs are THE most important thing to him right now. He loves his drugs more than he does anything else in the world, including you and the kids I'm sorry to say. He will do ANYTHING it takes to get his drugs. And I mean ANYTHING!!! He will beg, borrow, steal, lie, and manipulate EVERYONE in his path to get what he wants. I was the same way when I was actively using and abusing drugs.

    I would steal money from friends and family. I would check the kitchen cabinets and medicine cabinets in the bathrooms of every house I visited, friend or someone I just met 5 minutes ago. I would look for money laying around that some unsuspecting friend or family member trusted leaving out in my presence. I would look for valuables everywhere I went. I lied to pharmicists saying I had "lost" my drugs BEGGING them for a single pill. I lied to doctors faking pain to get scripts for narcotics. I would go to every ER in the area doing the best acting job you've ever seen crying in pain to get some pills and hopefully an IV of drugs. I should have received an Oscar for my acting! I would drive HUNDREDS of miles to get a few pills from someone. I could go on and on. I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to get drugs for another day. I would go to sleep wondering how I was going to get drugs the following morning. I had to have them in the morning to keep from getting sick. Then I would drive myself crazy wondering how I would get more for the rest of the day and evening. That scenerio would repeat itself every single day!!! You starting to get the point?

    All the addict mind wants is more drugs. Then more. Then some more. Nothing is sacred, nothing else matters. I completely embarrased by the things I've done. In working the 12 steps I've made ammends to everyone I harmed in my destructive path. I lost the best women on earth in the process, the woman I was going to marry. My mom and dad still won't have a thing to do with me even after nearly 10 months clean. They won't even speak to me.

    I doubt he's anywhere near the point I was, but he's headed in that direction. I got caught faking scripts and paid a heavy price. I was a complete mess. But I made it out and my life has completely changed. You would NEVER know I was that person before now if you met me. I'm proud of my accomplishments. I take it one day at a time. I know one little pill or addictive substance will ignight the monster again.

    I feel so bad for you because you seem like a wonderful person. I will say again you DESERVE so much better than him like my girlfriend/fiance did of me. You need to make your move and not look back. Let him fend for himself. You've supported him for YEARS while all he's done is make you sad.

    You will never make him stop unless he WANTS to stop himself.

    A new life awaits you. If you want it.

    Randy

  12. #12
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    God I've heard that before. A new life awaits me. He'll get money from me here and there, he will do side jobs if he has to and of course keep some money for himself. He grew up here, 33 years, he knows plenty of people who will help him out or trade him. He's no thief, except what he takes from us emotionally, or what I just haven't noticed. He really wants to get clean, he does, but I believe it's almost to a point where I've noticed if there is a big task or something to do, he has to get high to function. So we're supposed to move this weekend, he's been sleeping for 3 days.. I bet I know how this will go. These past 6 months I feel like I was supposed to be getting rid of him, building back my life and moving into this home with just me and my kids. now the times come and he's still here. ugh.
    Well I wanted to say I'm proud of you Randy, for staying strong. It's gotta be hard. Stay strong. I've had a lot of addicts in my life, family too. it's scary. My aunt died from an overdose of narcotics at 49. My dad is an alcoholic. You can do it though, you are worth it and so is your future.
    Like I said, I'm getting stronger by the minute thanks to you guys today.

  13. #13
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I know it sounds harsh..
    But you do deserve more..
    Just having the guts to ask for support speaks volumes..
    I would sit his asssss down give him a time frame to get out ..
    It is not really fair if you have been threatening and not followed through( I have done that)
    And then expect him to believe you ..
    That why I would start small with expectations..
    But end with him out and getting help..
    Not clean for a day or a month..
    But actually working a program of recovery..
    That is a completely different conversation..

    I am going to say something here that is harsh but true..
    If you kick him out
    And he is unable to take care of himself..
    That is not your fault..
    If something happens to him ?
    Are you going to be anymore sad then
    Than you are now?
    Honestly could it be that much worst?

    It will be eye opening to say the least!
    Give him a chance
    And know you can sleep good at night
    Knowing you did ALL you could do!
    It is up to him..
    I am a recovering addict and was in a relationship with an addict!
    Stressful at times to say the least..
    But enjoy your life
    Your kids
    They will grow up so fast!
    You will wonder where the time went?
    You will be ok ..
    And he will be ok ..
    Whatever that means ..
    It is up to him not you ..

    There is a thread on here called addiction Part11 I don't understand
    Something like that
    With people In similar situations ..
    Check it out ..
    It will give you comfort realizing how fortunate you are to know !
    It is time...
    Take care
    Bette
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  14. #14
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    So much good advice here, right? Randy, Bette and I are all recovering addicts. My adult son is also a recovering addict. I read your words and I am embarrassed to admit now that I have used those same words to my family, so often. You know, at that minute I meant them but only for a minute. As Randy pointed out, our need to feed our addiction is of utmost importance. It doesn't make us love our family less, it's just more important.

    When your bf apologizes and says he loves you, I'm telling you without even knowing him, that these too are words used to manipulate you. Think about it. You could have your bags packed and at the door and if he tells you how much you mean to him, the trip has been cancelled. I'm sure he does love you but look at what his addiction has done to him and to you! He has cheated on you!!! That fact alone speaks volumes of the kind of love he is capable right now. I was emotionally abused too for many, many years. I, just like you KNOW that I am a bright capable woman but still I was able "to be put in my place" with a look. My ex is not and has never been an addict. That was me. To this day, and we've been divorced for 25 years, he tells me he loves me. It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that his idea of love and mine are drastically different. Love is not selfish. Period. I need go no further than that.

    Sorry. We keep saying the same stuff over and over and worse yet, you know all this to be true yourself. I just can't help it. I am so passionate (not at all judgmental or bitter, by the way) about someone being subjected to this kind of manipulation. I would be telling you the same things even if he weren't an addict. That just makes things even worse. Stop looking for that one thing that you're waiting for to put you over the edge and justify moving on. It won't come, I promise you that. Until you find the strength to walk away, there will always be another reason to leave and then not do it. It is a circle in its finest form. We here know the drill, "if I ever" or "if he ever". And then what. Nothing. Absolutely nothing until you get your feet planted firmly beneath you and FINALLY know that you don't need any other reasons to get out of this situation except that you have to.

    What will happen to him if you leave (you should make HIM leave)? He will either get help or he won't. His best chance of getting well is for you to not be there constantly making a soft place for him to fall. Cheating AND porno? Really? Exactly what is your bottom line? I'm not criticizing you. Honest I'm not. I WAS you but I'm not anymore. Your home should be your haven. At the end of your work day, you should be able to look forward to being home and being happy. I remember crying all the way home from work knowing what was waiting for me. This was my life and I accepted it. Simply amazing. I actually was proud of the fact that I had the ability to accept things that others seemed to not be able to accept. Now that really is insane. There are just some things that are never acceptable and you're living it.

    Keep posting and we'll keep telling you all this stuff that you already know. I hope and pray that you keep coming back to hear it again and again until you REALLY understand that this is no way to live; certainly no way for your kids to live. OH and by the way, your kids will be fine. I'm sure they love their Dad. If you don't listen to anything else I say, listen to this: I took great pains to protect my ex-husband and his behavior toward me. When he left, I tried to never speak badly of him so that my kids wouldn't hate him. I did pretty good too! My children are grown now and at some point, they figured things out all on their own. They love their Dad, no doubt about it. I learned later when they became adults that they had been truly disgusted with ME for tolerating the way he treated me. It took them years to forgive me and it was only when they began to see me sticking up for myself and setting boundaries. Now, they understand the strength it took for me to heal. I was never physically abused and I used to tell myself that I wish that he would hit me. That would be something that I wouldn't have accepted. Now that I'm older and wiser I doubt very much that it would have made a difference. I'm sure I would have found a way to accept that too. Too many words I'm using. In a nutshell, I'm trying to assure you that your kids will not blame you for leaving their father. Quite the contrary, they will admire you for it and will be grateful that you removed them from that life. Please believe me that I know exactly what I'm talking about. How old did you say your oldest is? Eleven? Have a gentle conversation with her(?). At that age, you might be surprised just how much she understands and probably even has an opinion. Just a suggestion.

    Peace,

    Cat

  15. #15
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-24-2015 at 07:36 PM.

  16. #16
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Okey Dokey. Did we offend someone here?

  17. #17
    sarjean88 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi folks - I am in a similar situation (loved one is an addict) and would appreciate some thoughts from the addicts in recovery who replied above (Randy, Bette, etc.).

    I recently found out that my fiance has been abusing prescription painkillers for about a year and a half now. This came to light when he was recently hospitalized for something unrelated, but the health issues freaked him out enough that he decided to stop with the pills and get clean. He has been clean for about a week now, and signed up for an outpatient rehab program that starts Tuesday.

    We moved in together about a year ago. Shortly after that time, he lost his job, and from then, our household spun into a state of dysfunction. I couldn't put my finger on what caused it (had not been exposed to drug usage before, so did not know what signs to look for). All I knew is that my fiance - an engineer in the bay area - was for some reason having trouble finding work. He couldn't focus, the house was a mess, and he was not helping with any of the chores. Also, his money was running out faster than it should have. Looking back now, I see that all of these problems were because of the drugs.

    I am happy that he decided to get clean, and am also optimistic about the rehab program that he will be starting on Tuesday. However, the cautious part of me is wondering if I am signing myself up for heartache by continuing this relationship. It would feel wrong to break things off and kick him out of the house (I am currently helping him financially since he does not have a job - he collects unemployment and pays what he can, I pay the rest) but since he has been clean and the physical withdrawal symptoms have gone away, PAWS has turned him into a depressed, grumpy man who doesn't do much except for watch TV, watch youtubes, and listen to the red hot chili peppers.

    I want to believe that rehab will give him the tools that he needs to combat this. BUT, from those who have been through this before, I need an honest answer - am I being naiive to stick through this? Is it worth it for me to stay by his side while he goes through rehab?

    He does not have family in the state, or any close friends that live close by. If I kicked him out he would likely have to move home to his family, who live in another state.

    PS - Catrina, love the quote in your signature.

  18. #18
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    I'm sorry, I don't remember using any bad words in my last post!?

  19. #19
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi code13

    How are you doing today?
    I saw you post to another member that is awesome..
    I think just knowing we are not alone helps so much..
    I hope things are going well today..
    Take care
    Bette

  20. #20
    rabnud88 is offline New Member
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    Hi,

    You mentioned that your partner's drug addiction was from taking excessive pain pills. Was he actually in pain when he began taking the drugs and, if so, is he in pain now that the drugs are out of his system? The reason I ask is that I'm in moderate to severe nerve pain all of the time. The only thing that has really worked so far was a high dose of Oxycontin, a narcotic. But one of my doctors convinced me that depending on high doses of narcotics wasn't a good solution. So I weaned off of them completely, but the pain became so intense that I told my doctor I had to have something to at least take the edge off so he prescribed Tylenol plus Codeine, a relatively mild narcotic that takes the edge off the worst pain, but still leaves me hurting all of the time. And because I do still hurt a good deal, I'm not able to do some of the things I should do or would like to do. My outlets are watching TV, spending way too much time on the PC and being in a foul mood frequently. I do go for frequent walks which may help my muscle tone, but it heightens the pain too. What I'm getting at is that your partner's behavior may be related to pain now and if he doesn't find some way to reduce it to a manageable level (barring excessive drug use), the behavior may continue. I currently have a spinal cord stimulator implanted in me that helped quite a bit initially, but ultimately failed. Within the next two months, I'm having a newer, improved stimulator trial at the hospital to see if I can regain the relief I originally felt. If this fails, I'm out of options except for participating in a pain management program. I've already signed up for one but have been told to give the second stimulator a try before actually beginning the program. Sorry for dragging on so long, but if he is living with strong pain, addressing that by means other than strong narcotics, may help to resolve his behavior issue. Last, but not least, if he's not in pain, I'd suggest he see a psychiatrist or psychologist to determine if he has any mental issue that he needs help with. If he's receptive, things may improve; if he just says no, I'd go with a heart to heart talk and if you feel the situation is going to continue after that conversation, I'd be inclined to tell him what you've already considered, that he has to leave. Best wishes.

  21. #21
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hey Co--

    What's going on with you? No worries. Sometimes posts get deleted for unusual reasons. I'm sure it would be impossible for the moderators to read each and every post here looking for violations to the rules of this Forum. I don't know for sure, but maybe there's some kind of software that filters the posts for swear words or inappropriate terminology, etc. No one's fault. The system isn't perfect. Please try to post again to give us an update. I've been thinking of you and how you are getting along and would look forward to reading a post from you.

    Sara,

    First, this is an absolutely awesome place to gain some education. There's no judgement around here and folks come from all walks of life. Addiction does not discriminate. I hope you decide to stay around and if you do, please begin a new thread for yourself. That way, people can find you consistently and it's the best way to get questions answered and begin a dialog without losing you among someone else's thread. Until then, I'll give you my opinion...and that's all this is...my opinion.

    Your fiance's dull-drums are still a part of the detox process. It's far too soon to be called PAWS. Definitely still detox. The physical stuff is much better by the end of one week but it takes longer for our brains to re-fire and start producing all those healthy chemicals that were replaced with opiates. It happens, but it's a slow process. There are things that he can and should do that will help, like exercise! Laughing, one of my favorites even if it's a silly sitcom or old movie. Rehab is going to be an education for him so he'll learn how to deal with sobriety. That is his work. Your work should you decide to tough it out is to learn how to live with an addict. Being on both sides of this, I'd rather be him. I'm assuming that you don't really know if this is his first time, or do you? If this is a relapse, my advice to you would be different but for now, I'm going to assume that this is his first rodeo.

    Having said that, I'd advise you to give him a shot. By this, I mean that you should have a sit down serious talk with him asap, even before he begins rehab. Explain to him that you are learning about addiction and it scares you that if you give him a chance that you'll be (in your words) signing up for something that you want no part of. That is your ground work. Then, sit and watch (don't hover). He should be going to as many meetings as possible and you should begin to see a slow but steady improvement in the way he looks and most especially the way he acts. Red flags include any behavior that is out of his norm. Many of us have/had mood swings in the beginning. From very happy, to sad, to angry and back and forth. This is normal. One week into recovery, if he's staying clean, he won't be a happy camper. If he is, I'd pay attention. Try to get him to open up to you. Let him know that you now understand that he's miserable right now and you're going to try and be patient with him. For you, if you're going to do this I'll warn you that it takes nothing short of sainthood to survive. Your feelings will be hurt and you will find yourself always tempted to check on him and then regret it. This is where meetings are important for you. Alanon, for instance will give you the education and support you need. Now that I've given you my advice on what it's going to feel like if you decide to try and stick by him I need to add my qualifiers.

    As a part of that talk you're going to have, make it clear that there will be NO second chances. None. Most importantly, you have to prepared to walk the walk. The fact that he has no family and no where to go if you leave him or kick him out is not your problem. That's his problem. Those are probably the worst reasons to try and stick with him.

    Sorry for the long post. I hope you stick around. You will get an education here, I promise. Start your own thread so that I won't lose you! Find the thread "Addiction Part II" (or something like that). These are a group of women who have addict children and now and a couple that have addict significant others. It's a great read and you will see exactly what "you're signing up for". Then, the decision is yours.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  22. #22
    sarjean88 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi Cat,

    Thanks for the post - so helpful, I've read it numerous times.

    I've been trying to "watch but not hover", as you said - easier said than done! I looked up a local nar-anon meeting and will be attending tomorrow.

    The mood swings were horrible about a week in. I felt like I was living with Jekyll & Hyde. Week 2, he became less hostile and easier to be around, but would get severely depressed in the evenings. He has also been having some trouble sleeping, but has been spending a lot of time playing guitar and watching youtube to pass the time. I've encouraged exercise but that doesn't seem to be his cup of tea.

    He has detoxed a few times before on his own apparently (he always told me he had the flu!!) but it never stuck. Also, had driven himself to a rehab center but didn't have insurance coverage at the time. This time around, he has checked out an outpatient rehab program and is also looking into meeting with a counselor locally as the rehab center is about 40 minutes away from where we live and insurance would only cover an evening program. I have told him that it is up to him to choose the specifics of his recovery, but that he needs to either be in a rehab program or meeting regularly with a counselor. It is too difficult to do this on his own and I cannot do the "re-education" like a rehab center or a counselor can.

    We had a scare this weekend where he came close to ordering pills again online. I thought he did (saw an email notification on his phone), and nearly kicked him out of the house, but it turns out he hadn't remitted any payment for the order and, while he had had a moment of weakness, didn't go through with it. He formally cancelled the request, but the incident was a reminder of what I'm in for as well as an opportunity for me to make it *really* clear that the minute he uses again, he is out of this house. I don't really have any doubts on my ability to follow through on that as I literally feel like I cannot take one more thing. Not to mention, I have been working really hard on building back up my identity outside of the relationship so I can maintain a healthy perspective on all of this.

    Ah, life. You are never simple, are you?
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  23. #23
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Sara,

    Sounds to me he is feeling exactly right for two weeks out. The mood swings will get better but still there. The depression. yeah...hard. Music! I didn't mention music. How wonderful that he has that.! Encourage him to play and listen. It does something to all of us and you will read over and over on these Boards how helpful music is to most of us. When using, we seem to lose interest in it and the once we're clean we're loving it like teenagers again. So good.

    I'm soooo glad that you sound like you have your line drawn in the sand. Stick to it! Whew that was close with the online order and good for him for finding the strength and wisdom to not go through with it. It is a fine line to pay attention but not to hover. So fine almost impossible to see but you'll figure it out. lol He'll let you know if your toe crosses it!

    Good luck, Darling. Keep in touch.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Catherine1208132 likes this.

  24. #24
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    Hi Cat and Bette,

    I'm here, sorry I've been super busy lately with the move and work and kids. I'm sure you know how it is. I am ok. I mean the last couple of weeks has been ok I guess, he has been good to me is what I'm trying to say. But last night I found "something" again. I told him I don't want to be with someone who does that and that I'm absolutely not comfortable with it, which after years and years of me saying that, he knows already.
    Honestly, if he were to get clean and stop lying, I don't know if I could ever forgive him for everything anyways. Dishonesty is very ugly and I've grown out of him, of our relationship. I love him to death like I would a brother. But I'm not in love anymore and it's sad and it's frustrating because I feel stuck because in a way I feel like he is stronger than me, not like the way it seems, but he's louder and talks more and argues every single point in a very good way for me to see it that way, for me to back down and agree. I know this, but he's "stronger" if that makes any sense to you guys.
    For example, my friends from work want to go out Friday after work. Just for a couple of drinks, mind you I've never ever even done this because I know he doesn't want me to, I couldn't even go to Applebees at 3pm with my bff for my 30th bday, he says it would be like me wanting to get all this attention or something. Anyways, so I don't do these things that I really want and need to do because of him, I can't be happy in this "life" with him, yet I still have to sit back and accept all the things he does. (?) He doesn't see it this way of course, he says do what you want, I just might not be happy about it. ugh. and him not happy is not worth it. When he's happy, he's great and funny, good dad. When he's not, he's a nightmare. So this is where I feel stuck, he's stronger.

  25. #25
    codependent13 is offline New Member
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    I know we've all heard this in some way shape or form, but last night Steve Harvey said "If you are waking up every morning and are not happy with the life you are living, something has to change. You're going to keep getting the same result if you keep doing the same things." It hit me pretty hard last night. I've been doing this every single day for so long. Something has to change.

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