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Me, Myself & I
  1. #391
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    I’m glad you and the kids are ok. I’m sending out all the positive vibes I can muster to the universe for you ❤️

  2. #392
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Che...
    I think my cable went out I couldn't find the next episode....
    Is she making it after all?

  3. #393
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    CC, so sorry to hear that all this has happened....I don't know what to say, except we love you, and we are here for you....a new, clean start....it wil be painful for a while, but it's a chance for you to go after that GREAT life that you deserve! ((hugs))

  4. #394
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Luv & Miss U All-

    All is well....kind of sort of. We’re gonna be out the house 4-6 months while they rebuild. I haven’t gotten the official report but looks like my neighbors bomb fire was the cause. Thank Heavens b/c my thoughts at the time were pure FIRE. Funny thing (to keep from crying) is it totaled the garage....Mr. W’s Man Cave. The rest of the house is smoke damaged & will be redone!! I told you Fire signs to keep it cool. In the end I guess the only way to fight Fire is with Fire. And I’m not talking about Mr. W & Myself (that’s another scene all on its own). This is more a battle between Me, Myself, & I. I’m such the Drama Queen but even I was caught off guard with end of this chapter. Speaking of chapters, my journal was in the Fire (sad face). Good news, not completely destroyed but burnt, wet & smudged ink (sigh). I’ve got it drying so fingers crossed on that.

    Gotta run but remember this- Nothing is Impossible when you have no other Choice but to do it.

    I’ll try to be back soon. Y’all know I got a boat load to unpack on this one.

    Spoiler Alert: She is gonna make it after all...she has no other Choice....plus she’s already doing it!!!

    Just Like A Phoenix,

    ❤️
    I Rise

  5. #395
    froggy_069 is offline Member
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    Hey CC,
    Just wanted to pop in and say "hey." I'm terribly sorry to hear that you've been having a tough run lately. I'll be sending you all the positive vibes I can muster.

    Keep your chin up, this is just another bump in the road.

    ~ Froggy

  6. #396
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Che...[ phoenix ]

    Just stopping by to check in on you. Hope all is well with you and your family.


    *from the ashes we rise*

  7. #397
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Oh man DQ I finally have come home and I see you haven't been here since 6/9? And all sorts of stuff is happening for you? Dr. Jekyl/Hyde moved out? What? I need more to this story! One thing you got right girl - you ARE going to make it after all. We'll get you in your own place with your own "DQ" on the wall (CC? ) - remember how Mary had that kick-butt studio apartment with the M on the wall? I wanted that apartment for my entire youth and when I moved out on my own for the first time, the first thing I did was go out and find myself my own "B"! Love ya girl, get back here and give us an update. I know, I know, I'm a day late and a dollar short but was so looking forward to seeing you today. It's ok tho, you waited for me I can wait for you. Always here baby, even if I'm not.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-16-2018 at 09:57 AM.

  8. #398
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    CC

    Girl I've been thinking about you so much I appreciate all your thoughts on my thread and always thinking about me and posting something nice you're such a sweetie and I'm sorry you're going through such rough times

    I am here and I've been checking in more often to Post and to try to keep up with everybody I'm going through a few rough times myself but I realize I really need everybody here and I need the accountability and I need the friendships too... so please please update and let us know how you're all doing,,, we miss you

    I miss you xoxo

  9. #399
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Che (phoenix)

    Miss Your Face....

    ~ we rise...
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  10. #400
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Miss Your Face...

    ~tag your it...

  11. #401
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default New Beginnings

    What a Strange & Unusal Trip this has been. Here I thought I was living Life on Life’s Terms & whammy a curve ball. No surprise here! It’s been 3 weeks since the fire. I spent week 1 at my Aunt’s house with the kids. That’s my homebase & I needed it.

    Just to back up a bit on lost episodes. Graduation week was a hot mess- but I got thru it. I ended up calling the law on Mr. W that night I previously wrote about. That’s the first time EVER for Me. Cross that one off the list of Impossibles!

    The next “Things I thought Impossible” was having Mr. W leave me. No withdrawal symptoms like I had the last time he left. In fact the day he left I reached out to one of my Cheetah Girls, who’s the VP of Recurting for the Corp I used to work for. I was in the process of updating my profile when the Fire happened. Needless to say that’s been put on hold for now.

    Now for the Fire....I told you Fire signs to watch the Flames!!! I guess I forgot to mention that by time the Karma Train left the station that I was cookin with gasoline. Plus the Full Moon in Sagittarius- Forget about it! Note to self: You DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT fight Fire with Fire!! I literally transformed into Drew Barrymore in the Firestarter! It all went down in a Blaze if Glory. Even thou I am not physically responsible for the Fire, Emotionally I am guilty as charged.

    Now to Mr. W. I had a hard time reaching him to tell him about the fire. For the first few days he didn’t realize the magnitude of it all. Good thing the Fire Dept. Posted pics on Facebook for him to view. Once he saw the pics & saw all of his things destroyed he called devastated. He said to me “Everything is gone” & I responded with real life & said it was all gone the day you walked out. He has a hard time translating my Fluff most the time but he knew exactly what I meant when I said it.

    I handled things like a champ post fire. I met with the insurance adjuster, Investigators & multiple clean up crews. I was ready to take on the world until 1) my name isn’t in the house or insurance policy so I could not secure temp housing, besides the efficiency they set up & 2) Mr. W decided that he was gonna return home. Number 2 has happened twice b4. He’s left twice b4 to go back to his country & both times something has occurred to make him return. Insert Nothing Changes blah blah blah here. No, strike that, something did change....ME!!!

    I think I mentioned this already but the ending to my last chapter even caught Me off guard. Having my house catch fire was not my intention, or was it...secretly?? You tell me, but first dig this- this chic Mr. W was entertaining posted a meme on FB after I first caught wind of her. It said something like Love her & she will warm your home, Abuse her & she will burn it down. Then it List the corresponding zodiac signs. Now y’all know me & how I read between the lines. And to make matters worse the meme was dated on Mr. W’s b-day!!!! That right there is some of the sly chit I would do. I bury my messages deep & if you’re slick enough then you’ll know the shade & know it’s meant for you (I’m working in this thou b/c it’s uber sneaky & I’m not tryin to be about that life now but it’s oh so satisfying & the least hurtful b/c most the time it fly’s over peoples heads. So the long in short Fire was in my thoughts. Insert another Note to Self- thoughts manifest into real life BUT never how you think them.

    All & all to me, the Fire was cleansing. I always knew 1 day I would walk away with nothing but my kids & that is exactly what happened. Of course not how I planned it but how the All Mighty did. Can I get an Amen!

    So, Mr. W returned a week after the Fire & we’ve been an efficiency hotel since then. Today, we finally moved into a rental house. We’ll be here for the next 4-6 months. The house is beautiful, no land but a nice sunken tub in the Master just right off the corridor past the double walk-in closets! Are you kidding me? It will do for now I guess. The best part of it all is it’s in the neighborhood across the street from ours & we can watch the rebuild.

    Aside from it all & to get this post back on track let’s go back to Me. I always seem to dance around Myelf to avoid the shadow work that needs to be done. Through all of this chit show I realized that I tend to disassociate....A Lot! I live life in a fantasy that I create to avoid real life feelings & Emotions. It’s my go to coping mechanism. The pills helped immensely with this, d’uh. I’m just now accepting this & going to dive in deeper & explore this more. When I disassociate it amplifies my triggers or vice versa. This is the crazy part right here, if I were to get rid of the common denominator of my triggers I would be good HOWEVER My(addict)Self just can’t let go.... just yet. Like I said I got 4-6 months to dive in deep & explore the avenue. I can’t say what’s gonna happen besides working on Me! Me is the real MVP here. She shut down the Addict & lived in the Moment & got chit done. Me shut down all Myself's fears & gave no F’s about what the I thought.

    All & All it’s been a roller coaster of emotions that I am forever grateful I got to experience. I have done things I once thought impossible. I have had a lot of First Times these last few weeks & for that I am Thankful!

    This was supposed to be a quick update but Time is back on my side.

    Lvg (Light)- You’re a Badazz don’t ever forget that! I miss your face more! Tag, i’m It??? Better start running b/c I been doing flights of steps like nobody’s business.

    Autumn!!!!! Girl, I almost came upstate lookin for you. You had me worried sick! Keep yourself honest & you’ll get through this. I’m gonna get back in the swing of things & I’ll be by for some of your chocolate cake!

    ForMe- You’re doing the dam thang Girl. Just keep swimming & keep yourself busy with new adventures. Just remember an Idle Mind is the Devil’s workshop! For reals! I know you know what I mean- Law of Attraction.

    Water Boy!!!!!! Missed you!!! So glad you’re back! Thanks for the vibes, you know I used them accordingly!!

    B!!!!!!!!!! Squeeee! You & your timing! I got your message the day you sent it but things were crazy & well timing is not my thing. I miss you so!!! I’m so sorry about your sister (hugs). I’m sending Luv, Light & Peace for her. I know how hard it is when you have to watch someone give up the fight. If only (sad face). I’m jelly your goin to the beach. Pls soak up some of that salt water for me 2.

    I hope I didn’t forget anyone but I know I did. I’ll be back more now that I am settled in one spot & not running in between hotel rooms & dog walks.

    Here’s To New Beginnings,

    ❤️
    Che
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  12. #402
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    MVP.....
    New beginnings finding ourselves Che... Proud of you all those firsts are scary hard we need to feel those uncomfortable feelings to move on and up. ~ I'm here waiting in the penthouse for you girl...ohhh Che yep "I" have to keep my inner addict in check it wants me to isolate "she" wants me to numb the feelings we feel so hard now but just for today I don't have to use No Matter what... No matter what life throws at me... It's just a thought take a breath pray meditate as long as I take no action... You have your children you have your self....

    ~attitude of gratitude
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  13. #403
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Che~phoenix,
    Somewhere in my thread I posted I had my bathroom covered in motivational quotes that I read and reread everyday...

    ~nothing changes if we don't change
    nothing gets better if we don't get better...

  14. #404
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey CC. Thanks for the kind words. Capricorn moon huh. Sounds nice. Definately excited about that one. You sound great!! Considering all that you've got on your plate. Glad you guys got a nice place to hang your hats for the foreseeable future until you can get the house rebuilt. And a sunk in tub. Whaaaat??? I'm jelly. Give yourself a good soak girl!! You deserve it. Keep us posted with Mr. W you should make his azz sleep in the basement now. Lol. So proud of you!! You're doing all this like a boss. Owning it. You're the north star. Constant beacon of strength. You're gonna be ok!!! Life has thrown so much at you these past y months and you've gotten stronger and stronger with each passing incident.

    Congratulations!!! We're all behind you!!
    Keep your head up and keep on truckin!!
    Brother Beef Wellington
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  15. #405
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    CC, so sorry about everything you're having to go thru right now. Seems like a lot of us are going thru extra hard times right now. I mean....harder than usual, even. What's with that? Who would have ever known a bunch of addicts wouldn't have it just made in the shade for life?! I mean....REALLY!CC, in your pockets, do you have a little book of magic spells? Is there one in there that can make our lives perfect from now on? Sprinkle some fairy dust over us all, CC......you've got this!

  16. #406
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Holy chit Dancing Queen I guess I miss the whole fire thing. I mean the literal fire! Thanking the faieries of the universe you and your family are safe.

    As for that man, you know I will eff a dude up if need be. Say the word and I’m coming there (even tho I’m not exactly sure where “there” is haha). Sure do miss you my friend. Had a horrible feeling you might not be coming back here, so glad to see your update. Hold steady darling girl. Your song for the day — go give it a listen — saw Dave Matthews in concert a month or so ago and he played this song, it always speaks to me when I hear it ( but then all his music does!)

    Jimi Thing

    Lately I've been feeling low
    A remedy is what I'm seeking
    I take a taste of what's below
    Come away to something better
    What I want is what I've not got
    And what I need
    Is all around me
    Reaching searching never stop
    And I'll say...

    If you could keep me floating
    Just for a while
    Till I get to the end of this tunnel Mommy
    If you could keep me floating
    Just for a while
    I'll get back to you

    Sometimes a Jimi Thing slides my way and keeps me swinging
    I'd like to show you what's inside
    And I shouldn't care
    If you don't like it
    Brother chaos rule all about
    Sometimes I walk there
    Well yes God knows sometimes I take a bus there
    Shouldn't care shouldn't care
    Bereaved as I'm feeling

    The day is gone
    I'm on my back
    Staring up at the ceiling
    U take a drink sit back relax
    Smoke my mind make me feel
    Better for a small time
    What I want is what I've not got
    And what I need Is all around me
    Reaching searching never stop
    And I'll say...

    If you could keep me floating
    Just for a while
    Till I get to the end of this tunnel Mommy
    If you could keep me floating
    Just for a while
    I'll get back to you
    ——————-

  17. #407
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Nowhere To Escape- Full Moon June 2018

    “What I want is what I’ve not got
    And what I need is All around Me.
    Reaching, Searching- Never Stop!”

    B- You & your Timing! See that Girl? Watchin’ that scene? *Smacks lips* Nothing more- Nothing Less, Dig in the Dancing Queen!

    You got no worries about me leaving this place. I am a Scorpio, once we get comfy there’s no gettin rid of us.

    I’ll tell you, You always know when to show up. You know me & my timing well so Give Thanks for the kick is the azz. May’s Full Moon about did me in, I’ll have to save that one for a lost episodes special. Let’s just say that Mr. W left me alone under that full moon as he peeled out the driveway to the airport to start a new life in “his country”. The very next day my house caught fire.

    To keep myself from getting side tracked I will get down to business.

    June 2018 Full Moon in Capricorn.

    Capricorn is represented by the mountain goat. Mountain goats can climb to great heights & perch themselves on precarious ledges all while keeping Perfect BALANCE. They are grounded, stable & hard working.

    Give Thanks Capricorn’s!!! I am lacking in all these areas & I will use your energy to climb to stay grounded & rooted in who I Am so that I can aim high & reach the top of My own mountain.

    The Full Moon provided the energy to take a look back to what was unfolding at the start of the year until now. It’s bringing about the final culmination for all those energies. I don’t know about y’all, but I NEEDED this!!! I always joke about my timing but that’s only when I’m in the clock. Take away the clock & I flow freely & as you see the events in my real life just so happen to coincide with the nature of the moon cycles... coincidence??? Think not!

    June’s Full Moon will make me strong willed & determined. It will help me find my strength & determination to keep going. Whatever lesson I needed to master over the last few months will be delivered to me to tackle once & for All. There is NOwhere to ESCAPE this Full Moon. *SQUEE*

    I have to confront my problems & be willing to fave up to whatever lesson the Universe sends My way. -Aye Aye Captain- Loud & Clear!

    I kid you not guys!! I dug out my ole burnt up journal tonight just to verify & clarify. I still can’t believe my journal made it out the fire. The fire devoured my garage, which is attached to the house with an open attic. We had a set of lockers in there where I kept all the shoes I wore (day to day), wallet, keys, books, journal? & my bag of crystals & gems. My keys & crystals disintegrated as in no trace of them. My journal & the money & cards from my wallet made it.

    You can fact check me here but all the Full Moons starting from December brought me to where I am today. Sounds crazy but that’s how I roll. Some people call it counseling or therapy but tomatoe/tomato it’s all Shadow work. I let the Full/New Moon bring the lesson to focus on & that’s what I work on for two weeks until it’s time for the next phase. As you can see, for me, it’s been like putting a puzzle together. Of course, time & patience is required.

    I won’t bore you with all the details, BUT, I will say May’s Full Moon was about a fresh perspective. What’s so crazy is that I used to fantasize about being in a parallel universe where everything was different. *insert be mindful of what you wish for here*

    If y’all ain’t on board with the Law of Attraction by now then What are You Waiting for?? It works & I'm living proof!! I don’t want to sound cliche but if you believe you will receive!

    Ok, I think I’ve run my mouth long enough. I’ll wrap here, only b/c I’m outside & the bugs are out. As always I have lots more to say but the clock is watching. I’m off to do real life stuff. The Universe granted Me with a parallel Universe & I’m determined to climb to the Top.

    The GOAT (GreatestOfAllTimes),

    ❤️
    Che
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  18. #408
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Burning Ball of Fire

    Stoppin in for a quickie.

    I broke down & bought a new journal aka 5 subject notebook *with pockets*. I even splurged on some new gel pens.

    Now comes the fun part, reliving page by page as I copy my thoughts of yesterday. Fitting, I know, Mercury is is Retrograde after all so what better time than now.

    Just wanted to share my notes from the January 2017 Full Moon. Yes, January 2017! If only I knew then what I know now.

    “The Cancer Full Moon is going to be highlighting part of the journey that you are destined to take in the next 12 months.

    It’s also going to be calling you to step into our truth & embrace that inner power that you have inside”

    To some that sounds like hogwash, it did not me at the time. Looking back it all fits perfectly into my puzzle.

    You wanna know how?? Doesn’t matter I’m gonna tell you anyways. By January I had been lurking of this site long enough & planned my Day 1. I took Action in January 2017 setting my intentions for the months that followed. I didn’t make it far but I did make it far enough to prove to myself that I had that inner power.

    I give all Thanks in Praises that my journal made it.

    Humbled,

    ❤️
    CC

    P.S- must document the sunset tonight. I always wonder if y’all can see what I see. It was an enormous burning ball of Fire tonight. Our Leo’s are coming whoop whoot.
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  19. #409
    hopes1211 is offline Senior Member
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    CC - one thing I really love about you is how you respect everything you have. From your new journal to your gel pens, you take nothing for granted. Your soul is kind. I know, at times, you don't think it is, especially where your other half is, but that is normal. You will arise from ashes, so to speak, and come out of this crisis a stronger and independent person.

    With everything going on, how long has it been now? You have to be proud of yourself for your accomplishment. It shows no matter what life throws at you, you can catch it and throw it back just like a big fire ball. You have done that. Keep your wits and strength about you. I know you will pull yourself up and move on. I like that you calculate and write. Writing is such therapy. Writing your goals, hopes and looking at your day or days or whatever makes your brain awake. I sometimes write and then have to shred because I always fear if something happens to me, I would not want to hurt anyone with my words when I am angry or hurt. I enjoy writing better than texting or typing. My proofreading skills on here are awful, but I'm sure you can read between the lines. Writing goes from brain, to hand, to paper. I really have no problems with mistakes when on write. Here, my brain works faster than my hands and movement, thus, the typos.
    Sorry. I just am in a hurry most of the time and very rarely (obviously) go back to see what I have wrote. It's my feelings at that time.

    I hope when you decide what to do, it's something creative. It would be a shame for you not to be able to share what you have inside of you for the greater good. You really should consider writing a book. Your experiences, imagination and your flair with a pen are all elements of a great book in the making. This takes time though. In the meantime, think of something that will support you and your family and strive towards that. Depend on yourself. I know you need this. I think you would be awesome in something where you would help people. You just have that caring nature. The only thing I would worry about with you is that you would get "too caring." You would have to learn how to walk away after you have helped . . . That's hard for all of us.

    Sorry to ramble again. I always seem to do that on your thread. I just start thinking and writing after you write something. I hope I don't sound too motherly or pushy. Last thing I would ever want to do. I am sure you have enough of that in your life. I just respect your ability. I am hoping you can act on it. I also respect how, despite the roller coaster you have been on, you keep on swimming. That, my friend, is winning.

    Hope

  20. #410
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Che... Ball of Fire.
    I'll start by saying wow perseverance you go girl...
    Did I say you inspire me well you do...
    New journal new gel pens new beginnings...
    If you don't see know I do just how far you have come...
    Proud to know you and call you my friend...

  21. #411
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Lvg (Element),

    When you said:

    ~ We are addicted to our thoughts we cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking ~

    I felt that!

    You & your Words!!! Not only do you throw Fire, but you spit it too.

    Nothing worth having if it comes easy (or however that sayin goes) and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

    Change is On The Way,

    ❤️
    Che

  22. #412
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default If Only I Could Complete A Thought

    Hope (and a Prayer),

    There is no wonder in the world why I snatched you up & put you in my pocket. Your words get my wheels turning everytime. Doesn’t matter whose thread your words resonate with me.

    I big quotes, sayings, & memes (if you haven’t already noticed). You ever hear the one that goes something like I am Happy b/c I know sadness??? Yeah, that’s me in a nut shell. I can no longer take things for granted b/c I’ve spent so long doing just the opposite. I’ve wasted a life time trying to quench my need for perfection that I didn’t realize what I had until it was gone....literally.

    I’m a self admitted hoarder myself- both mentally & physically. My addict self knows no limits & I over indulged in whatever my greedy self thought would fill the void. Mentally that meant I would obsessively & compulsively overthink myself into my very own self fulfilling prophecy. Physically I would hold onto anything & everything just to show myself that I possessed something of value.

    In the end thou, I lost it all. It wasn’t all at once like you would think. This was 15 months in the making. I have a hard time letting go but I found that the more I let go the more I received back. The Fire to me represents the last & final thing that I thought I could never let go of & that is my Home.

    Like we all say thou, a work in progress. I am still seeking for answers & I am confident beyond words that I will find them. All it takes is time & patience.

    I must cut this short- duty calls. I was so looking forward to getting lost in my thoughts with you so I’m hoping to be back.

    Before I go thou....I am so eye to eye with you on the typo tip. I was a proofreader for many moons. I would be mortified with myself if I went back & reviewed my words. My silver lining- bye bye perfectionist, it is what it is & will be what it will be. One thing I happily let go of.

    Pobody’s Nerfect,

    ❤️
    Che
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  23. #413
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChiefChe View Post
    Lvg (Element),

    When you said:

    ~ We are addicted to our thoughts we cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking ~

    I felt that!

    You & your Words!!! Not only do you throw Fire, but you spit it too.

    Nothing worth having if it comes easy (or however that sayin goes) and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

    Change is On The Way,

    ❤️
    Che
    *it was pretty profound when it was said to me too...
    ~just for today

  24. #414
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default New Moon July 2018

    Here’s a lil diddy that I forgot to tell you,

    July New Moon & Solar Eclipse.

    Who am I on my deepest level? What are my Truths?

    No homework on this one. Too many Planets in Retrograde to even begin to sort it all out. With Time & Patience we’re asked to sit back back & let it unfold.

    My word of the Day- Integrity. Doing the right thing even when nobody is looking.

    The “I” prevtebded, Myself carried quilt & shame over it & Me was just lost in the sauce until she Finally comprehended the true meaning of it.

    Can’t just talk about it anymore, gotta be about it.

    Kiss (Keep it Short & Sweet,

    ❤️
    CC

  25. #415
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Che,
    I just couldn't let another post fly by...
    Short and sweet who you ha... As usual no clue moon stars fairy dust but...
    Ahhh humility~

    ~Integrity with thy self- heart body mind soul are in harmony with each other...

  26. #416
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Omg Che that last post I felt the hope thank you...
    You rock...

  27. #417
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Knock knock. Full moon on Friday. I'll be patiently awaiting an update. Hope all is well!!

  28. #418
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    548

    Default Out Of Thin Air- Blood Moon July 2018

    Alrighty, Time for an update. My mind has been turning all week & now that it’s time crickets. For starters I never know just how to start my posts & then add my rambling thoughts to the mix & things get messy. I know it looks a train wreck looking from the outside in but oddly enough it looks completely different looking inside out.

    I’m not sure what topics I will touch on tonight so I’m just as excited as all of you are to see what the following rambling mess will create. When I think of it, this is my life long MO, create a mess then live in the mess until I dig in deep & clean it up. As a kid it was my room. I never kept a clean room nor was I required to (kind of sort of). When I did have to clean it would take the entire day. I remember being so overwhelmed b/c so much had to be sorted through & then put away. It was defeating to say the least so many many excuses were made. HA- fast forward to adulthood then add kids & a house, you can only imagine. Yep, that’s how it all started for Me. I expected nice things but I didn’t know how to take care of them.

    Wow, ok, how was that for an intro? It’s Full Moon Time. This one is a Big One folks. Blood Moon which means there’s a Lunar Eclipse- the longest one this Century. To top it all off, Mars went Retrograde yesterday. There’s also a handful of other planets flipping out up there. What does this all mean? I’m not really sure but I’m trying to figure it all out.
    The only thing I do know is when you run out of options & CAN pull things out of thin air. All these years I searched for a magic little pill to make Me Superwoman & I actually thought I had found it- pfft! Them pills got me good then pulled me down deeper. They were so good to ME in the beginning & I couldn’t even tell you when the tables turned from euphoria to prisoner but, yeah, I created a monster.

    These are some of My Truths, they helped in creating my very own Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde. How exactly do you save yourself from yourself when you blame your behaviors on everyone else & have the audacity to hold them responsible for fixing it- another of My Truths. I’m a pro at the blame game, my momma taught me.

    So Back to the Moon, my therapist- lol. I couldn’t make this up if I tried, you read my thread you’ll see it all play out month after month until it all went down in flames. Coincidence?? I think Not! Flip the Script....checkmate! Ok, ok...let me stop pretending that y’all are sitting in front of me & script.

    The Lunar Eclipse for Me b/c I’m all about transformation. The Eclipse allows me to shed another layer off & emerge Brand New! This Full Moon brings with it energy of Change. Since the Fire I have been forced to live on the outside in the physical. I’ll tell you it was a refreshing change from being on the inside focused solely on the mental. All the events in the past 6 months not only prepared me for this but guided Me to the here & now. Every heartache & every tear dropped was required for me to learn was was need to take another step forward.

    Now that I’m here on the outside I need to focus more on the physical things that I need work on. This goes back to the Blame Game I love to play. Some of the cards: Out of Shape, Blame Mr. W, House not Cleaned, Blame Mr. W, Not being Hsppy, Blame Mr. W. Get the point? I seriously Blame everything on him when it’s really ALL ME! You know what my problem was? I was so busy trying to control other people’s lives (mainly Mr. Wonderful) that I was clueless that my own life was spiraling out of control. I do not fault Mr. W for the words he’s said. Although, I wish they were nicer, they were all True & that’s why the hurt so much more b/c they penetrated my soul. The pills can only numb that kind of hurt for so long before it magnifies it.

    So I stand under the Full Moon in all my ugly Truths I release all the negative energy of the past. I release all the words said in spite & all actions that came after. I struck out in anger b/c of the hurt over my own shortcomings. As I emerge from the shadows I will step forward into Changes that I set in motion.

    I’m pretty sure I rambled enough. I know this might not make sense now BUT I promise one day it will. I am over the moon excited to one day find out what this all means but I have a feeling that one day will be my last so I gotta make sure I take it all in NOW!

    Earthbound Misfit, I

    ❤️
    Che
    Autumnhopes and Catrina like this.

  29. #419
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChiefChe View Post
    Alrighty, Time for an update. My mind has been turning all week & now that it’s time crickets. For starters I never know just how to start my posts & then add my rambling thoughts to the mix & things get messy. I know it looks a train wreck looking from the outside in but oddly enough it looks completely different looking inside out.

    I’m not sure what topics I will touch on tonight so I’m just as excited as all of you are to see what the following rambling mess will create. When I think of it, this is my life long MO, create a mess then live in the mess until I dig in deep & clean it up. As a kid it was my room. I never kept a clean room nor was I required to (kind of sort of). When I did have to clean it would take the entire day. I remember being so overwhelmed b/c so much had to be sorted through & then put away. It was defeating to say the least so many many excuses were made. HA- fast forward to adulthood then add kids & a house, you can only imagine. Yep, that’s how it all started for Me. I expected nice things but I didn’t know how to take care of them.

    Wow, ok, how was that for an intro? It’s Full Moon Time. This one is a Big One folks. Blood Moon which means there’s a Lunar Eclipse- the longest one this Century. To top it all off, Mars went Retrograde yesterday. There’s also a handful of other planets flipping out up there. What does this all mean? I’m not really sure but I’m trying to figure it all out.
    The only thing I do know is when you run out of options & CAN pull things out of thin air. All these years I searched for a magic little pill to make Me Superwoman & I actually thought I had found it- pfft! Them pills got me good then pulled me down deeper. They were so good to ME in the beginning & I couldn’t even tell you when the tables turned from euphoria to prisoner but, yeah, I created a monster.

    These are some of My Truths, they helped in creating my very own Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde. How exactly do you save yourself from yourself when you blame your behaviors on everyone else & have the audacity to hold them responsible for fixing it- another of My Truths. I’m a pro at the blame game, my momma taught me.

    So Back to the Moon, my therapist- lol. I couldn’t make this up if I tried, you read my thread you’ll see it all play out month after month until it all went down in flames. Coincidence?? I think Not! Flip the Script....checkmate! Ok, ok...let me stop pretending that y’all are sitting in front of me & script.

    The Lunar Eclipse for Me b/c I’m all about transformation. The Eclipse allows me to shed another layer off & emerge Brand New! This Full Moon brings with it energy of Change. Since the Fire I have been forced to live on the outside in the physical. I’ll tell you it was a refreshing change from being on the inside focused solely on the mental. All the events in the past 6 months not only prepared me for this but guided Me to the here & now. Every heartache & every tear dropped was required for me to learn was was need to take another step forward.

    Now that I’m here on the outside I need to focus more on the physical things that I need work on. This goes back to the Blame Game I love to play. Some of the cards: Out of Shape, Blame Mr. W, House not Cleaned, Blame Mr. W, Not being Hsppy, Blame Mr. W. Get the point? I seriously Blame everything on him when it’s really ALL ME! You know what my problem was? I was so busy trying to control other people’s lives (mainly Mr. Wonderful) that I was clueless that my own life was spiraling out of control. I do not fault Mr. W for the words he’s said. Although, I wish they were nicer, they were all True & that’s why the hurt so much more b/c they penetrated my soul. The pills can only numb that kind of hurt for so long before it magnifies it.

    So I stand under the Full Moon in all my ugly Truths I release all the negative energy of the past. I release all the words said in spite & all actions that came after. I struck out in anger b/c of the hurt over my own shortcomings. As I emerge from the shadows I will step forward into Changes that I set in motion.

    I’m pretty sure I rambled enough. I know this might not make sense now BUT I promise one day it will. I am over the moon excited to one day find out what this all means but I have a feeling that one day will be my last so I gotta make sure I take it all in NOW!

    Earthbound Misfit, I

    ❤️
    Che
    Good Morning Che,

    Your post makes perfect sense to me. Surprised? lol With the work and the awakening, we begin to see that although we are all individuals, we usually aren't all that unique. You struck a cord with me with the blame game. Oh yes. I did that for years and years until one day I realized that there was absolutely no point in it. None. I had long ago gotten over much of the hurt caused by my now ex-husband but because I had plenty of practice it seemed that this was my go-to tool. Then I realized that I was a fraud and ducking my own responsibility for the less than perfect. Quite literally one day many years after my divorce, I asked my ex if I could talk to him for just a few minutes. You probably know the expression that immediately appeared on his face. "Great. Here we go." I came clean. I told him that I had been unfair for a long time by dragging the guilt card out over and over again when in reality, I was just lashing out about old wrongs that had mostly healed long ago. I voiced my promise that I would never do that again concerning the past. I did say that I was going to do my best but if I slipped I asked that he point it out to me. That was more than five years ago and the guilt card has remained safely buried. I didn't do this for him, I did it for me. It began to feel petty and it was high time for me to take responsibility for my intentional goal of making him feel bad without any purpose other than to point out that he had hurt me. Duh. Like he didn't already know that and feel guilty enough. No matter because it was the past and that's where it should remain.. It just made me feel worse leaving me to wonder why I would lower myself to that level. There was simply no good reason for it anymore.

    Just my own rambling thoughts.....

    Peace,

    Cat
    Autumnhopes likes this.

  30. #420
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
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    USA
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    Hey just waving hello...
    davepeerson likes this.

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