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Me, Myself & I
  1. #1
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Me, Myself & I

    Hi my name is CC. After spending countless days & hours writing this, reading it, reviewing my daily journal, degreasing back at past events, reaching deep down to the depths of my soul, I can finally say that yes- yes I am an addict. I am addicted to escaping the reality that is my life. It didn't matter what DOC it was I was down to escape. I have always been a lost soul trying to find by purpose in life. It is only now that I have realized that I had escaped so far away that I almost faded away.

    I must disclose know that I am a master enabler. I've always know this about myself but just now starting to realize where it originated from. I grew up with an alcoholic in the home & then I married (enablED almost 21 years). That's how it all began & the funny thing is that's where it ended but began again.

    My story goes the same as most everyone else's. I started recreationally in my late teen's as a fun escape from my reality. Then I spent my 20's & 30's self medicating to escape depression, anxiety, & a life with an alcoholic partner. My doc throughout the decades as been only my soul sista Mari Jayne. I dibble & dabble with opioids here & there but could never get ahold of enough to create a problem. Insert my 40's here! Turned 40 had a neck injury & VOILA going thru 120 oxy 10's in less than 15 days & either suffering from w/d's for 15 to 16 or spending my kids Christmas money. It was ground hogs day- day after day after...

    Before I continue I must apologize in advance 4 a long winded rambling post. I have found myself with uninterrupted time on my heads & I'm taking advantage & making this my ME time. Hope it last. I'm write this in my notes so I can copy letter & post. I have 3 kids all 7 years apart with the youngest 2.

    I have been trolling the web a long while & found this site in January. I am a private person when it comes to airing dirty laundry but this site is amazing. The amount of support I can't put into words. The beautiful souls on here, to many to name, are God sent. What is being done in this forum is nothing short of a miracle. I am walking my recovery mainly alone. Being the enabler I am, I have to clean up the mess I made before anyone finds out. My sister is aware but not to the degree that it is. I do have an amazingly supportive dysfunctional family but to my knowledge they know nothing- but who am I kidding right? I'm getting off topic. I am truly thankful that I have found the souls on this site & am excited to see where my journey is going to take me. I have posted on some threads on here & think it's only fair that I introduce myself.

    My journey began in July 2016. That's when after over 2 1/2 I finally accepted that the pills no longer made me Wonder Woman & turn me into a dope sick drug seeking monster. I just an epiphany after just writing that. My journey began months before I had even made my jump. But as I mentioned earlier I'm an old soul & I also have a strong faith in my spiritual power. I knew that whatever journey I was about to go would be completely life changing. It has to be b/c I manifested this all. I made my first jump in January 2017- made it 18 days (3 days after script). Attempt #2 February- made it 9 days. It was in March when reality slapped me in the face. My soul sista Mari showed up & introduced herself to my Dr. & he severed our relationship. I was relived b/c I would have never ended that relationship on my own. So with 2 scripts remaining I knew it was truly & honestly the time. Attempt #3 April 4, 2017 8:00am!! Third times the charm? Not quite but that's my date. Mind you my journal entry now starts out Day ? Set back Day ? Reality Day ? This is b/c in these last 63 days I have relapsed 3 times. The first 28 days in. It lasted 3 days. The 2nd was over a week later for only 2 days. Then only a week later a 10 day stint. I saw what was happening & new what needed to be done. I have hoarder tendencies & filled & kept my scripts. Having the pills hidden away started as a safety blanket but it only lasted 28 days. After 28 clean days I felt amazing. I still had up & down days & still battled anxiety but I felt almost normal. I read on here over & over that the supply needs to be cut. But I held on because I have trouble letting go. I beat myself up after relapsing after 28 days & the anxiety I suffered from it lead me right back & back again. That's when I knew it had to be done. I opened the medicine cabinet up at just started grabbing bottles & started dumping & flushing. This was such a victorious feeling ever. I literally flushed over 300 pills. It gives me anxiety just thinking of it. Gotta switch gears here- can you imagine what kind of damage could be done with 300 oxy 10's. I didn't have any really set back with the first 2 relapses. Both totaled 5 days & 8 pills. It didn't set me back. The third & most recent one scared me straight. It started as 1 pill & on day 10 I realized I had been through 40 or more. I was now scared that after that long & that many I would for sure be back at Day 1 & that rocked my boat. It was then that I decided that I am finally going to first find myself & fix myself. Every little tool that I have picked up so far has been added to my tool box & I feel more prepared for my journey. I have so so so much more to share but fear my ramblings will make my posts way to long. I really just wanted to introduce myself because I've shared on other threads. I thought it was unfair to share without you knowing who I am. Truth is I really don't know who I am but I have an idea & I get goose bumps just imagining who I will emerge as. In this day & age we must prepare ourselves for the uncertain future. I once wrote on my pain management plan that my goal was to be able to survive a zombie apocalypse. Little did I know that I was the actual zombie at the time. Ok enough. My goal was to get this posted today so I'm stopping & posting. Forgive any typos but I'm not going back to edit just want to get this posted & feel the rewards of accomplishing the small goal I set.

    Much Luv & Respect

    ~CC
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  2. #2
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    I'm so sorry I forgot to add dates. I honestly didn't think k would finally get this post out here. My journal entry started as: 6/7- Wednesday Day 63. Set back day 48. Reality Day 8. I will not let those 3 stumbles set me back to day 1. I had mild physical w/d's but they were there. My concern was & for good reason the mental! Surprisingly knowing that there are no more pills around or available has given me great comfort.

    Thank You all! I don't want to list names out of fear I would leave someone out. It is everyone of you that reply that has given me so much hope. I truly love your souls & please know that you all of touched me personally & have virtually held my hand since my Day 1 (all of them).

  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi Che,

    Welcome! I read every word of your post and our stories are eerily similar but then again, I have read many people's stories and have identified with them. Maybe it's someone else's job to draw correlations. That would make my head hurt.

    One thing that is important to note and work on now and forever is we have to be willing and able to accept help. Believe me, I know that's easier said than done. I smiled when I read that you wanted to fix yourself before you do anything else. You don't sound ready but I really hope that you will at least begin to consider letting some of your secrets out so that you can let them go. Family, a good friend, therapist? Secrets are poison and keeping our addiction a secret will eat at us just as some of our past continues to eat at us. It was incredibly hard for me to tell that first person but when I was done I realized that they didn't think less of me and in fact, they were glad to know that recovery is possible. It was absolutely liberating! Each time after that it became much easier. No, I don't broadcast to the world about this but I also don't consider it my dirty little secret anymore either. My ability to be more open about this has allowed me to help dozens of people both addicts or the people who love them and as a result it has helped me. I no longer have to worry that someone is going to find out. I don't care anymore.

    We are the outcome of everything and everyone that has touched our lives. I would likely be a much different person hadn't I got to know addiction so well. Early in recovery, I had to find something to begin to make me feel worthwhile so I began to do daily acts of random kindness. These simple acts motivated me to do other things until it became a part of who I am. I know that I am a better person now and I refuse to be defined by my addiction. After all, who I am now is far more important. This is your opportunity for a re-do. Go out and do a simple act of kindness today. You'll know what I'm jabbering about.

    Yes tools. I try to share the ones that helped me the most and that was my intent here. You will be a valued member around here. I can tell so keep reading and posting! Welcome again, Che. I've seen you writing to others so I'm glad to now know your story.

    Peace,

    Cat

  4. #4
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    Welcome to the forum,CC! Nice to hear your story. Good luck...we are here for you!
    .....Ryka-Leah

  5. #5
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Thank you for the welcome ladies. You 2 are both amazing & I have read your threads over & over. Cat you hit the nail on the head with me. I read your post hours ago & have been processing it all. My enabling self response is that I do not want to bother anyone else with my problems. I am no stranger to help thou. At the age of 17 I made an attempt at my life. Nothing serious but definitely a cry for help. I have always struggled with self esteem issues. I grew up with a drunk & never realized how that impacted me until I married a mean drunk. That's where I picked up & fined tuned my enabling skills. After my cry for help my parents got me into therapy & it was life changing. Introduce antidepressants here. Not on them long & was a great help. I hit college & graduated with a degree in- u ready for this- mental health & chemical dependency. I know right!! I should have known better. My main focus was helping kids & nourish their self esteems. I met up with my husband about a year after my attempt. He comes from a troubled path & was already an alcoholic. I fell in love instantly with the hurt little baby bird & tried to heal him for the last 20 some odd years. But guess what? Whatever I did to help him never worked. I did 20 years hard time (very abusive mentally, physically, emotionally, financially) with no results. So what did I do? I started an affair with Mr. Oxy. Like I've mentioned I am a spiritual being. I know I was put here for a purpose. I justify this whole affair by telling myself that I had to go through all of these test so that I could have a testimony. Trying to handle & control I've tried to maintain for the last 40 some odd years has taught me this. I am not in control & I can not defeat the devil. I not really sure when my enlightenment journey began (but as mentioned I'm a hoarder) but I've been picking up tools & saving them. I thought I might need them one day & sure enough I do. In my original post I mentioned that my story began & ended & began again at the same point of origin. I fought & prayed for years about my husband's alcoholism. One day I googled Alonon & boom right there it hit. This is his problem not mine. I am not in control of it he is. I have to stop being is enabler. It took some more years to taper my enabling. I gave my hub back his addiction but continued to pray. Prayer or refocusing of my energies is a powerful thing. As I continue to find out prayers are answered but never how we want. I prayed for his soberity & prayed also that I find my independent strength. It all came to a head about 2 years into my own addiction. My husband got sent away for a grip of time & I was left with just me to rely on & support 3 kids. After being with this man for 20 years everyday he was gone & there was nothing either one of us could do about it. It was at this point I realized how horrendous my codependency issues were. I literally had physical w/d from him. I resolved myself to the fact that I prayed for this & here is my response. I thought to myself that the road to recovery has started. He is now required to stay sober now & for at least the next year. Mind you this is not our first rodeo with forced soberity for him. The last 1 failed. When he got home money was tight & was strung out & knew my days of my dirty little secret was coming to an end.

    Here I go rambling again. Back to why you're so on point with me. If only I had the courage to start a thread in January I know I would of been celebrating 6 months clean time. I did, however, come clean with my sister & close friend. The only thing about that was after I told them I couldn't admit my relapses. By my third attempt I still hadn't told them I had relapse & thought by day 27 I was well on my way- then BOOM a trigger boom. I caught my husband drinking. I spun out of control & the next day I cracked open 1 of my untouched script. I caught myself after 3 days by divine intervention only. I guess I never got back on track b/c BOOM I smelt alcohol on him again. Again divine intervention & caught myself after 2 days. Know not only did I have the stress of my own relapse but I had his also & whammy 3rd relapse & a stock of 300 oxy's. Again, divine intervention. I don't know where the strength came to flush those pills but I will be forever greatful for it. If I had not done that I would not be sitting here getting all of this junk out of storage. It was after this relapse that I came clean to my sister about the relapses .

    I guess the bottom line (my sister is a bottom line gal). You ate absolutely correct Cat- I can not do this alone. For the here & now I've been placed here. You & the others are genuinely care & know just what to say & when to say it. I kind of felt like the new kid in school on here. I look forward to this journey. I still don't know my purpose in life but I can finally say I am excited to see what the future holds for me. I really really want this- how bad?? Bad enough that I flushed! It still gives me anxiety thinking about all that money done the drain BUT it is just a small price to pay to get my soul back.

    Thank you again for the welcome. Can't wait to air my laundry. I've already put the disclaimer out that I'm a hoarder so there's a lot of it- lol!

    As light attracts light

    ~ CC

    Sorry for errors & typos. 3 kids + 1 man child = many interruptions.
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  6. #6
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    CC, I know Cat is amazing, but I dunno' 'bout me. Thanks, tho! CC, it's amazing how much we have in common. You have no idea! The self-esteem issues, the trying to fix our hubbies, the not wanting to admit to anyone we had a problem.....I have exactly 3 family members that have been told. But.....I'm sure the rest of the family had an idea. They had to have at least suspected. I mean really....I still haven't 'fessed up. Not sure if I will or not. Some of my family might be understanding...but I'm sure at least one would absolutely disown me. I just haven't decided yet if being disowned is something that matters that much to me at this point..... Oh, geeze, CC, you're getting ME started! LOL!
    LaurieLaSalle likes this.
    .....Ryka-Leah

  7. #7
    LaurieLaSalle is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChiefChe View Post
    Hi my name is CC. After spending countless days & hours writing this, reading it, reviewing my daily journal, degreasing back at past events, reaching deep down to the depths of my soul, I can finally say that yes- yes I am an addict. I am addicted to escaping the reality that is my life. It didn't matter what DOC it was I was down to escape. I have always been a lost soul trying to find by purpose in life. It is only now that I have realized that I had escaped so far away that I almost faded away.

    I must disclose know that I am a master enabler. I've always know this about myself but just now starting to realize where it originated from. I grew up with an alcoholic in the home & then I married (enablED almost 21 years). That's how it all began & the funny thing is that's where it ended but began again.

    My story goes the same as most everyone else's. I started recreationally in my late teen's as a fun escape from my reality. Then I spent my 20's & 30's self medicating to escape depression, anxiety, & a life with an alcoholic partner. My doc throughout the decades as been only my soul sista Mari Jayne. I dibble & dabble with opioids here & there but could never get ahold of enough to create a problem. Insert my 40's here! Turned 40 had a neck injury & VOILA going thru 120 oxy 10's in less than 15 days & either suffering from w/d's for 15 to 16 or spending my kids Christmas money. It was ground hogs day- day after day after...

    Before I continue I must apologize in advance 4 a long winded rambling post. I have found myself with uninterrupted time on my heads & I'm taking advantage & making this my ME time. Hope it last. I'm write this in my notes so I can copy letter & post. I have 3 kids all 7 years apart with the youngest 2.

    I have been trolling the web a long while & found this site in January. I am a private person when it comes to airing dirty laundry but this site is amazing. The amount of support I can't put into words. The beautiful souls on here, to many to name, are God sent. What is being done in this forum is nothing short of a miracle. I am walking my recovery mainly alone. Being the enabler I am, I have to clean up the mess I made before anyone finds out. My sister is aware but not to the degree that it is. I do have an amazingly supportive dysfunctional family but to my knowledge they know nothing- but who am I kidding right? I'm getting off topic. I am truly thankful that I have found the souls on this site & am excited to see where my journey is going to take me. I have posted on some threads on here & think it's only fair that I introduce myself.

    My journey began in July 2016. That's when after over 2 1/2 I finally accepted that the pills no longer made me Wonder Woman & turn me into a dope sick drug seeking monster. I just an epiphany after just writing that. My journey began months before I had even made my jump. But as I mentioned earlier I'm an old soul & I also have a strong faith in my spiritual power. I knew that whatever journey I was about to go would be completely life changing. It has to be b/c I manifested this all. I made my first jump in January 2017- made it 18 days (3 days after script). Attempt #2 February- made it 9 days. It was in March when reality slapped me in the face. My soul sista Mari showed up & introduced herself to my Dr. & he severed our relationship. I was relived b/c I would have never ended that relationship on my own. So with 2 scripts remaining I knew it was truly & honestly the time. Attempt #3 April 4, 2017 8:00am!! Third times the charm? Not quite but that's my date. Mind you my journal entry now starts out Day ? Set back Day ? Reality Day ? This is b/c in these last 63 days I have relapsed 3 times. The first 28 days in. It lasted 3 days. The 2nd was over a week later for only 2 days. Then only a week later a 10 day stint. I saw what was happening & new what needed to be done. I have hoarder tendencies & filled & kept my scripts. Having the pills hidden away started as a safety blanket but it only lasted 28 days. After 28 clean days I felt amazing. I still had up & down days & still battled anxiety but I felt almost normal. I read on here over & over that the supply needs to be cut. But I held on because I have trouble letting go. I beat myself up after relapsing after 28 days & the anxiety I suffered from it lead me right back & back again. That's when I knew it had to be done. I opened the medicine cabinet up at just started grabbing bottles & started dumping & flushing. This was such a victorious feeling ever. I literally flushed over 300 pills. It gives me anxiety just thinking of it. Gotta switch gears here- can you imagine what kind of damage could be done with 300 oxy 10's. I didn't have any really set back with the first 2 relapses. Both totaled 5 days & 8 pills. It didn't set me back. The third & most recent one scared me straight. It started as 1 pill & on day 10 I realized I had been through 40 or more. I was now scared that after that long & that many I would for sure be back at Day 1 & that rocked my boat. It was then that I decided that I am finally going to first find myself & fix myself. Every little tool that I have picked up so far has been added to my tool box & I feel more prepared for my journey. I have so so so much more to share but fear my ramblings will make my posts way to long. I really just wanted to introduce myself because I've shared on other threads. I thought it was unfair to share without you knowing who I am. Truth is I really don't know who I am but I have an idea & I get goose bumps just imagining who I will emerge as. In this day & age we must prepare ourselves for the uncertain future. I once wrote on my pain management plan that my goal was to be able to survive a zombie apocalypse. Little did I know that I was the actual zombie at the time. Ok enough. My goal was to get this posted today so I'm stopping & posting. Forgive any typos but I'm not going back to edit just want to get this posted & feel the rewards of accomplishing the small goal I set.

    Much Luv & Respect

    ~CC
    Hey C.C., Welcome to the forum. I like cat found your story very much like my own. You have come to a great place to talk and get through this as with like most addicts we dont talk about it but coming here is a safe place and great place to start. Admission to ourselves that there is a problem is the begining and working on yourself is the most important statement you made..
    Everything you stated was so honest and real and you sound like you are ready to get this done once and for all. Hey I have been off and on for forty plus years, hoping to all that is good that his last slip was my last. I will say that coming here gave me more success than I could of ever imagined. So many chimed in to help with different issues as I went through my detox four months ago, I am not sure if I would have made it without these folks. Please keep posting, we are here for you every step of the way.

    Be proud of your decision to turn your life around, that is huge.
    You are not alone
    Wishing you full success

    Laurie
    Leah987 and DravenDomnq like this.

  8. #8
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Who am I kidding?

    Who was I kidding- right??? Myself that's who. I threw in the towel years ago. That's not who I am. I was gonna change the world or at least try my very best to make an impact somewhere for someone. I know what pain & internal suffering feels like so I made sure to personalize each and every encounter I had with people. I lost all that with those pills.

    What I've come to realize it that I have been distracting myself all these years from the inevitable- myself!! I don't know if I've brought on a mid life crisis with this but whatever it is all my dots are connecting. My mom (who's always right by the way) told me something recently. She told me that you can keep it bottled up for so long b4 your mind & body brings it out on its own & there's was no stopping it.

    My time has come & with the pills gone I am ready! I would love to slam the book closed & throw it away & start a new one- but I know I can't. I must simply turn the page & start a new chapter. I will forever be humbled by this experience & have renewed since of faith. The Most High brought me to this & He is certainly bringing me through it.

    Two years into my addiction I knew I was addicted & knew what I was recreating. Insert prayer here. The reply I received from that was astronomical! I woke up one morning & my face began to break out with abscesses. At first I was clueless & thought it was a one time thing. Nope- every month after that there they & soon friends were. My husband was aware of the pills but not to the degree. One time he said to me that he knew I was on the pills b/c my face looked so bad. Then I had a cherished family member, who knew I had been on them at one point, had commented on my face. I don't see this family member much but always received prayers & encouragment over text. After seeing me that time there was no more contact. Insert- who am I kidding here. They had a medical background, they knew I had been on them- they knew. They probably cut me off right then in there b/c contact just about stopped. Funny thing is just recently, out of the blue, they contacted me. Disclaimer- I'm an empathy/light healer & I could sense it all.

    Not even knowing it at the time but that's when my journey started & took almost a year b4 I seriously made a serious attempt to end my affair with Mr. Oxy. I started with getting off my antidepressant. I still to this day wonder why the give antidepressants to depressed people when it packs on the weight. I gained the Paxil 30 & much more from the oxy. I had been overweight prior & the additional 50lbs did not help. I never really dug antidepressants so I went c/t & just dealt with that horror. It was a bad deal but I made it thru. That was last summer so I was active & 30lbs fell right off. I can not tell you the feeling of watching the scale move backwards instead of forward for once. That got me motivated. My next step was to figure out what the actual status of my injury was & if surgery was really the answer. I do have an injury but surgery is not the answer at this time & hopefully no time. I went to P/T & I was shown some exercises. One was a standing kind of push up. When I started my 1 detox I started to incorporate 22 girlie push ups. It started as a way to just start my natural chemicals. I was desperately seeking some kind of shot of energy & thought to try it. I have done push ups everyday since January 2017 minus some relapse days. Not only did it help the arm jiggle jiggle but it gave me a burst of my own chemicals. It also has played a big part in strengthening the injured area.

    So in conclusion (lol- I'll save my spiritual journey 4 another time). This is an extremely long life changing process. We didn't start all the BS because we wanted to. We started b/c we are running from ourselves. We can not detox & voila we're fixed. I feel as if I literally signed my soul over to the devil without reading the contract. Not today satan!! I'm gonna reach deep down into my soul or as I like to put I'm gonna go thru that TV screen & grab that little girl/young woman/thirty something & bring her to the surface. I'm gonna let her know that she's ok, that she's gonna make it, that she tried her best. Then I'm gonna show her around & let her see all the tools I found for her & all the knowledge I have for her. I know she's gonna be so proud- insert self awakening tears here.

    Sorry Not Sorry for the rambling. I truly needed it. Cat, Ryka. Lauire & all the others THANK U! I took the leap of faith by creating this thread & WOW just WOW!

    There's 1 person I would also like to thank. I hope she reads my thread. Iam- you're the 1! You are the 1 who awakened this in me. You are there whether you think so or not. Relinquish the control so you can gain control back. This lifestyle is not you & you know this. Stop this relationship with Mr. Oxy- he's not ur type. Keep in mind that this is your relationship so you can break-up with him anyway you want.

    Peace, Luv, & Happiness

    ~CC
    Day 65
    Set Back Day 49
    Reality Day 10 (it is what it is)

  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Inner reflection can be painful but necessary. It's the only way to let the little hurt girl out and allow her to grow up into the amazing woman she is meant to be. After the tears are gone and we stop mourning for all the things that should have been, we gain some hutzpah (no idea how to spell that...can you tell?) and that allows us to move in the direction we want to go for a change instead of the one we were told that we should. I spent my entire live being and doing what everyone else wanted or expected of me. Sobriety allowed me to lay those chains down too. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a people pleaser and in fact, I've given up trying to change that and besides, l like to please people. The difference is it's my choice now. When I was using, I spent boundless amounts of energy to make up for being an addict. Like there was really a way of doing that.

    There's so many reasons that once we get clean we can't just sit on our haunches. It's only the beginning. Newly clean, I thought, "Great! I want to be all better now." At first, it can be daunting not knowing where we even need to start. I didn't even know who the h*ll I was let alone who and what I wanted to be. It's no small wonder that we spend a period of time dealing with the self loathing and worthlessness. I can remember wondering how I move forward when I despise everything about myself. It would have been so much easier to pick back up. At least I didn't have to deal with all the garbage and it seemed like a reasonable option. Hard to imagine now. It is so well worth it, Che. After having spent more of my adult life abusing opiates than not, the emptiness I felt was crippling. I had to shed my tears for things that were nearly ancient history. Those things suddenly felt brand new again. Great! Then one day I decided being pitiful was for the birds and it would sure be much better if I were happy. I looked around for someone who could do that for me. The only person I found was myself. There began my sober journey. Trial and error to figure out what made me happy. Turns out it's mostly the small things in life. I'm happy to be independent and I'm happy to have good friends. It makes me happy to make others happy. It really is that simple. There is, of course, a longer list of things I am grateful for but I've discovered that it's not that hard to make me happy.

    Keep flippin the pages, Che. Keep flippin.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  10. #10
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    The beginning to my beginning. My choice for a partner I do believe was the result of my upbringing. We got together young but I knew the moment we locked eyes that he would be mine. Well not technically mine the exact feeling or my 6th sense told me I would have his babies. We've been together 27 years. He was an alcoholic b4 we reached our 20's. The relationship was all kinds of abusive. The physical abuse was always when he was drunk & I was fed up. My injury was more than likely from this. The physical abuse stopped years back- the night I had enough courage/strength & broke his ribs. I'll dive in deeper on that some other time.

    The is completely of topic but I think I am officially making this a journal. I started a daily journal in January & have stuck with it. This is just a necessary step up & I seem to be able to go deeper in my thoughts. I guess it's knowing that someone else is gonna read it. I think I have just about read everyone's thread on here from start to finish multiple times. Then I started to connect with some threads & posted a few responses. Then I felt guilty b/c I was adding my 2 cents & no one knew I was. Opening this thread was a goal I set for myself. At first I was afraid I would get no responses but I was welcomed just like all before me with open arms. Thank U ❤️. So now this thread is where I'm gonna do my work. I see that I'm long winded & felt some kind of way. Almost like I was a bother. At first I apologized the I was sorry not sorry. Right now I don't feel the need to carry the burden of bothering. So it is what it is. It's obvious I like to write. Now I look this as my opportunity to escape & hopefully & can pass a good 15 minutes for someone detoxing.

    Ok- back to my story. The beginning of my beginning. Not sure when the seed was planted but I know who fostered its growth. At the turn of the century I had asked my Higher Power to show me a sign that the world would not end. Please be careful with asking for signs b/c you will get one but usually how you want it. My sign though was my first born. So through the years of abuse I prayed for strength to overcome the alcoholic in my life. What I got were more years of abuse but after each incident I somehow became stronger. Then I prayed for a sign for my husband. You know what I got? Years of legal bills! So it hit me one day I need to change up how I pray. I started to prayer for guidance. I starting asking my higher power to show my husband the light. The results were more legal troubles for my husband. For me? My sister moved back home & also a close cousin. These ladies became my saving grace. Both of them were independent signal ladies that handled their business.

    Fast forward a few years & I'm still in the same cycle. I remember praying every single morning to be removed from that place. I believe my exact request was to win the lottery so I could quit & by a farm. I obviously have problems letting go by myself but that's for later. I can remember getting visions while praying. The visions were of some kind of financial freedom, land not necessarily a farm, & a baby. I also had a vision of drug abuse, financial difficulties, & soberity- no lie folks! At this time I was solely rockin with my soul sister Mari Jayne. I knew it would be here. I saw needles!!!

    We're almost to the point. So the beginning of the beginning began when I got a job transfer. The job transfer didn't vibe with my husband's schedule which would require child care. So after 20 years of service I decided to leave the job & become a domestic goddess. Left the job & 3 months later I was pregnant. I was over 40 by this time. Had the baby naturally & gladly accepted the Norco to celebrate a job well done. I was hospitalized a short time later as a result of the birth & there began the regular supply.

    Fast forward a year in a half later and there I was outta the place I had prayed to be out of, a baby & a drug addiction- no needles thankfully.

    All along I'm still sending prayers. His still the same, show him the light. I think I added strength, will power, love, what not. For me, now an addict & completely destroyed, I prayers for my independence back. What was my answer- yep u guessed it more legal troubles! My husband got time. They took him straight from court. I broke right at the moment. I mean literally broke in half. Even though his is a mean alcoholic he is my protector. In others words I was so codependent on him I couldn't even think on my own. My sister & cousin were right there by my side.

    It was that very day that I realized that is was my sign from my higher power. He said to me you prayed for strength & independence so here you go- it's called life. He then told me that the only way to reach my husband was to lock him up by himself & stripe him of everything he had worked so hard for. Are you kidding me? I don't care who you pray to or energy you send out- you will get an answer!!

    I remember October 2016 during a forced detox I flipped my sh!t during a visit with my sister. I was sent loathing. For every I can't I had she had an I can. My sister is very alternative with her spirituality. She told me that I manifested this all into my life I can manifest it away.

    I vowed that day forward to try & not speak another negative word. Do I got this? I sure hope so because I really want it. Am I scared? I better believe it. Am I afraid? Not so much. I knew the day my husband & I tasted soberity (i think I prayed for that 2) everything would work out. In a few months he will have his year with some slip ups. It took me just a bit because I couldn't let go. I felt the chains fall off of me the day the last pill was the last pill. I have no way to get another & for that I am thankful. I must continue to build upon this because you never know what the next battle will be.

    I must end now to attend to my domestic goddess responsibilities.

    Humbled,

    ~CC

    Pardon typos & errors. No longer editing. I don't want to read or I might delete.
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  11. #11
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello C.C.....It's late, and I'm not feeling too well....need to get to bed! But....Came across your thread tonight, and just wanted to say welcome!! You've come to a Great place to get yourself Clean.....Lots of Wonderful Peps here with Good Support and advice! It really helps to write out everything that has been building up in your Head.....and get some Great feedback as well!! You sound Very Committed....More than I've seen here in awhile....I will be following your hopefully....Many Posts....in the coming days and weeks!! You have already got some Very Good advice and support from excellent members on this Wonderful...."Life saving" site!! Stay Strong Just For Today!!.."It's Ok to Get Lost Every Once In A While....Sometimes Getting Lost Is How We Find Ourselves"!!..
    Last edited by Anonymous; 06-11-2017 at 01:50 AM.
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  12. #12
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    I'm having writer's block. I'm still trying to untangle my thoughts & redirect my thoughts. I just wanted to post to say thank you DaveP for being you! Your thread got me through countless hours of detox. I faced 1 of my biggest triggers this weekend & knocked me back. I give thanks & praises that I did not have any access to pills or I would have fallen. I was able to maintain & push thru only b/c I had no other choice. I did shut down & still trying to process it all. In a nut shell my husband relapsed yet again. He's been sober from alcohol for just about 8 months. I haven't fully processed it so I'll save it for another time. I set a personal goal for myself to journal daily on here & to also give encouragement for the next. I've started many & many entries but haven't be able to complete the process.

    So tonight the only thing that I have processed from the weekend is I am so glad I am here in this forum. DaveP the timing & words in your post found me at the perfect time! It made me realize that I am no longer excited to wake up & out of bed b/c there was a pill waiting. Or wake to wake up with the doom & gloom of having to search. Now I wake up excited to jump on here. And to get a reply is almost as exciting as Christmas morning. Most DaveP Thank U for bringing back to the moment by reminding me to stay strong just for today
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  13. #13
    davepeerson is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi C.C....I'm Glad I was able to say 'Something" to help you get through A Moment!! I'm sorry about your husbands Relapse...but...i think You Know...You cannot control whatever he does....You Must Just take care of You...especially right NOW!! Also....Glad to hear that your not trying to over think anything right Now...And that you sound committed to posting Daily!! That Will be Huge....And I promise You....Your Passion for Life WILL Return.....It's funny....Most of Us....including Myself....Never even realized How Numb I had become to life.....and How I wasn't doing any fun things that I used to do, before My Dozen or so years of Using and abusing the "BEAST"!!!...I Love how you sound....Very Determined!! I hope and Pray You keep that determination!! You won't regret it!! Please keep posting....You Can Do this....Stay Strong Just For Today!!.."We Are All A Little Broken....But The Last Time I Checked....Broken Crayons Still Color The Same"!!..xo
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  14. #14
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Hi CC. I have a feeling you will beat this and reading your post gave me goosebumps as well. Other than my anger, reading all these posts and going through the threads is what's keeping me going and giving me hope. Sharing my thoughts on here is cathartic and most of us that became addicted had some kind of underlying issue so maybe I need to start using this as a journal because God knows I have my share of >>>>.


    We got this...you got this.

  15. #15
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Letting Go

    It's been 16 days since my last relapse. The first few days a I felt a tinge of physical w/d. Mentally I felt the release of the chains. I then had an amazing next 4-5 days where I felt like I was making good progress. As a found my first 28 clean the ups & downs come in waves. So these last 5-6 days have been a low for me. I've started many of journal entries but have yet to complete one. Let's see where this one takes me.

    Alcohol- Alcohol- Alcoholism. These are terms I've carried on my plate since conception. It was my father & it is my husband. I can count on three fingers how many times I've had a drink in the last 15-20 years. I hate the taste of it the smell of it the sound of it in a glass with ice cubes. Is that why it haunts me? I'm afraid if I don't stand up & face it I will continue to find an escape from it.

    It's so ironic to me that this is my major yet I find myself relearning everything like It's all new. But life is never text book & I know this- just gotta keep reminding myself.

    My father was a happy drunk. He always provided. I considered myself a daddy's girl but learned early on that I would tip toe around certain situations. Little did I know I was learning my enabling skills then. But I made amends with my dad years & years ago. Fast forward & here I've been married to the mean drunk for 20 years. I excused all the horrendous behaviors & cleaned up every mess.

    I was able to hand him back his alcoholism a few years back & was able to clear enough space in me to start to work on me. Insert my addiction here. It took my addiction & recovery to truly understand alcoholism. Same thing just different DOC.

    These are my thoughts this far. I have to post this as a symbol of clearing some space on my plate so more dots can connect for me. I'm determined to untangle this mess one step at a time. I know I need more tools & I know I will find them. I have to remind myself that it's not a race. I will get there & I will get there sober.

    I'm not finished yet,

    ~CC
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  16. #16
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChiefChe View Post
    It's been 16 days since my last relapse. The first few days a I felt a tinge of physical w/d. Mentally I felt the release of the chains. I then had an amazing next 4-5 days where I felt like I was making good progress. As a found my first 28 clean the ups & downs come in waves. So these last 5-6 days have been a low for me. I've started many of journal entries but have yet to complete one. Let's see where this one takes me.

    Alcohol- Alcohol- Alcoholism. These are terms I've carried on my plate since conception. It was my father & it is my husband. I can count on three fingers how many times I've had a drink in the last 15-20 years. I hate the taste of it the smell of it the sound of it in a glass with ice cubes. Is that why it haunts me? I'm afraid if I don't stand up & face it I will continue to find an escape from it.

    It's so ironic to me that this is my major yet I find myself relearning everything like It's all new. But life is never text book & I know this- just gotta keep reminding myself.

    My father was a happy drunk. He always provided. I considered myself a daddy's girl but learned early on that I would tip toe around certain situations. Little did I know I was learning my enabling skills then. But I made amends with my dad years & years ago. Fast forward & here I've been married to the mean drunk for 20 years. I excused all the horrendous behaviors & cleaned up every mess.

    I was able to hand him back his alcoholism a few years back & was able to clear enough space in me to start to work on me. Insert my addiction here. It took my addiction & recovery to truly understand alcoholism. Same thing just different DOC.

    These are my thoughts this far. I have to post this as a symbol of clearing some space on my plate so more dots can connect for me. I'm determined to untangle this mess one step at a time. I know I need more tools & I know I will find them. I have to remind myself that it's not a race. I will get there & I will get there sober.

    I'm not finished yet,

    ~CC
    Good Morning Che,

    Good post! And I totally understand it. My father was the Town Drunk. I spent the first sixteen years of my life trying to hide this fact in a very small town, it was impossible to do of course. When I was 16 and working at a local diner after school, he came in totally chit faced and began to rant and rave. I was destroyed! I was terrified to go to school the next day certain of....I don't know what but terrified. Turns out that no one treated me differently. The world continued to revolve around the sun. At the sage old age of 16 I very suddenly realized that my father was not my fault. Nonetheless, I knew the addiction gene had been firmly planted so I found myself avidly avoiding alcohol. I would not be my father. I too hate the smell, the taste, the empty bottles. I have a very physical reaction to any of these things. I never once made the correlation of getting my hands on some pain pills a danger. I get it now! I too was an above average student in Advanced Enabling. I don't have an alcoholic in my life, but I do have a son who is an active H addict. He's an adult now and this has been going on for over fifteen years. It has only been in the past couple of years that I've been able to hand his addiction over to him. I don't make excuses for him and I do my best to not make it easy for him to use. This is not to say that I go out of my way to stop him--that's useless. What I have stopped doing is everything and anything that as an adult he should be doing for himself. This probably sounds lame, but to me it is a major step. I get it all too well.

    I guess my point here is that we need to accept that the only changes we can make is with ourselves. Although it's true that there will always be people in our lives that we're going to want to fix, logically we know that this is beyond us. Our job is to recognize and truly understand that we have the right to tell our addicts that we won't allow them to negatively affect our lives. That's the first step and then we can begin to detach. Once we get that far it becomes easier to see things the way they really are. We become less inclined to try and hide their addiction. Not our jobs and what a relief that is! It doesn't mean we love them less, it just means that we're beginning to love ourselves. They are NOT our fault.

    Keep posting. I love reading about your story and especially your progress.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  17. #17
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Light Healer

    Happy 24 hours y'all! It is so rewarding to count up the days rather than counting down! Thank you Cat ❤️ for stopping by to tend to my garden. I've been neglecting it this past week. You also brought a smile to my face b/c I too am a gobbler. I had just gobbled a handful of pills as I was reading. Again I have to Give Thanks that my handful of pills no longer include the Dr. Jeckle one. Just a boat load of vitamins.

    I'm gonna try & start reeling myself back in & find my zen. I am definitely on to something here so I just gotta roll with it.

    Fear is another label stuck to me. I know we all have it but I'm guessing I do not have control or more like complete understanding of mine just yet. My rock bottom was Sept 30th 2016. It happened in the court of law in front of a judge so it is legit 4real. Looking back now I guess this is the exact moment I realized how codependent I had become with my husband. How Me, Myself, & I had been completely lost & just an unrecognizable shell of a human existed. WOW! I guess I never really gave him back his alcoholism after all b/c I was still trying to hold our lives together & keep the family machine going. I was completely stripped of all control- we both were. The funny thing was I expected it to go how every other many of many court dates went- slap on the wrist. So when both sides said their peace I really was only half listening when the judge started talking. Not sure exactly when I tuned back in (I was way high 4 the event) but by time I did everything in my life was being taken away! I remember breakdown. I wasn't even sure I could make it out the building. My husband is the sole provider for the family. No him no money. I called my sister as soon as I walked out the door & she talked me home safe. I knew without a doubt that I was codependent & remember telling her when this was all over that I would have enough to write a book when it was all over. Maybe??

    Out of pure desperation- the life or death kind b/c no amount of chemical was working. I decided to try alternative remedies. My very special family member, who I strive to be like, is the all natural type. She's had the same injury I had & was managing it with meds or surgery so I knew it was possible (even thou my Dr. Never said that to me when I asked). Then there was my sister. She is a real gem. Her DOC is Love & she 2 is codependent. She is way out there with alternative healing. She sent me an Air Bender video about chukars. It's a kids video so it was really in the simplest terms. I studied that video, took notes, studied the notes, & made lists. Either yesterday or the day b4 I started to realize that I have been clearing out my chukars since then. My rock bottom & breakdown that followed clear just enough room for this new engery.

    The long & short is that I have a road map of sorts now. This road map is for Me, Myself & I (I thought long & hard on the title of my thread). My answer is that I have all my answers! The only problem I have now (b/c I am an admitted hoarder) is clearing out all the clutter. I gotta sort through all the hats & see which ones still fit & which ones no longer go with my new wardrobe. I gotta start peeling off labels that have been stuck on & most importantly I have to start scraping the rotted food that has piled up on my plate.

    I am so grateful to finally be where I am at this moment. I am so thankful to have waken up from the nightmare I was in. I remember telling my sister that my life was so out of control that I was going back into my fantasy world- insert pills & numbing. Yuck when I look back. I was not living I was just existing. I had become the same Dr. Jeckle Mr. Hyde I termed my husband. I became the same junkie I laughed at pawning their cell phone for pills. Karma really is a B- I got mine 10 fold. I thought the law of Attraction was a joke- eat my words. Not another negative out my mouth!

    I'm also an empath. Being an empath & a hoarder is a dangerous combo. Not only do I have & hoard my own energy & emtions but I do the same with everyone I come in contact with. It has become a little bit easier now to organize now that I can put a label on it (here I go again with labeling).

    Before I wrap up. I know I don't have all the answers. I only have an incomplete map & some tools. I am full of fear (but excitement is catching up) for the adventure ahead. Yes, life is a journey, but full of adventure.

    For all of those who want to break free of the chains that bind you- IT CAN BE DONE!! We are all on here for a purpose. We all know we are running & escaping because of the demons that haunted in the past & from the demon we have become ourselves. Ok we screwed major but so does everyone else. Just turn on the tv & the real fake news shows that. But if you found your way here then the seed as been planted!!! I know countless detox hours are spent on here reading threads & relating to stories enough to see we all struggle. I'm a people person (empath) & I'm have a lot of text book mumbo jumbo that have all these big names that I only memorized for test. All that is irrelevant. I correlate it to this. They got the job b/c they got the decree while we're over here with 10 to 20 years hands on experience. Yes, I too as everyone reading this, has their Masters in the school of hard knocks. Am I right?

    So the long & short. Soberity has to be a life changing event. If you are diabetic then there are life style changes that need to be made. Same thing here- at least I'm finding out.

    Sorry getting off point. My point is if you have made it here your seed/Soul has been planted here. Remember it is a fresh new seed/Soul so try to water it & give it sun whenever u can. Don't worry if you can't tend to it much in the beginning. A fresh new seed is very vulnerable- just like we are. I've always been afraid to put myself out there virtually. I have social media but mainly use it for P.I. work with the teenagers crowd- somewhat small town but it's in the mix). But for me I found a sense of freedom here. I was able to shed everything stuck to me & just be the light of my soul. Just Me, Myself, & I. That's my garden correlation. I've got millions- promise I do so just wait. Anyway, geez, when I finally have the guts to read what I'm putting out here I'll embarrass myself with all the rambling & typos. My goal is to get it out.

    Don't worry if you can't tend to your seed in the beginning. Others will certainly be by with lots of water & sun. If you want it you can have it. It's not gonna be easy. My little light is bright but not bright enough but I'm here with a gang of other lights & together we light the path.

    I gots end here. I foolish mistook my quiet time & have a yard full of kids in if a drill Sargent- gee I hope I can find where that hat is.

    Peace, Light, & much Luv & Respect,

    ~CC
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  18. #18
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Thanks & Praises

    I know my last post ended with incomplete rambling thoughts but this is who I am at this moment. Clearing the thoughts out my head, however they come out, really helps me. There's so many & organization is obviously not 1 of my strengths. It might not make sense now but in time I will fine tune each & everyone.

    Today, Give Thanks & Praises, I am able to genuinely be thankful for where I am at the moment. I don't know but I think I got ahead of myself. Y'all were not joking when you say the demon creeps out of nowhere. Tomorrow marks 7 days from husband's relapse. Yes my husband's but as always I made it my own. Only this time I had no where to run & hide, no magic pill to fade away to fantasy land. I just had ME & my tools/weapons. I don't know if it was the overdose of sun or if I literally felt w/d symptoms. Maybe a little of both but definitely a wake up call. I'm still processing my thoughts but definitely in the letting go pile.

    Today, I feel I can finally take a deep breath & be thankful! Where I am today is where I had envisioned over 5 years ago. It's been one heck of a ride. Like I told my sister- we are finally growing up & becoming adults. My passion to help kids was born after I attempted suicide at 15. I started collecting tools early. I have a teenage soon to be adult daughter & her gang of girls. Then I have a middle school son & his new discovered gang of boys, then I have a three year old. But my point is I have noticed their perception of time & I laugh b/c if they only knew that time starts to move way faster the older you get. Not sure what point I was trying to make but my mom was right yet again- the picture gets even bigger.

    Back to giving thanks. I am thankful! Thankful that I continue to relay on my high power! Thankful I am no longer chained to a pill! Thankful to awaken again. Thankful that I have unblocked whatever it was blocking my natural flow.

    Must go again. The teenagers found their way back outside so all the housework must be done- yes I even started delegating, I'll save for later b/c I would do it all to make up 4 the monster I was. Also got a gang of bikers rollin up the street so I gotta hide my Popsicles!! And the 3yr old as been awfully quiet
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  19. #19
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    Hi CC. First I want to thank you for the post. Wow. All so well said. Congrats to you on your sobriety. It seems in some way we have all been subjected to some hurt and pain that lead us to something else to numb it all. I carried on some pain to my first child who is 30 and suffering from bad childhood experiences and I want to make sure he doesn't suffer anymore and cover his pain with addiction. It's so hard to figure out who I am now and where I need to go. I had to laugh when reading your thread cause the doc gave me antidepressants cause I told him I'm always tired and sad. They still sit in the bottle. I'm facing this head on. I'm not masking the inevitable anymore. This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm still not forgiving myself for the things I never thought I would do or try that I did. I need to find a therapist so I can vent. All this hurt that has been a secret for so long. Along with the addiction. Some of my problems were sekf inflicted dumb decisions I made in my life that I didn't want to think about. Now I'm rambling. I have so many emotions. Everytime I read a story I can relate and its so emotional. I feel like after I get over this physical hump I can then work on everything else. Right now I just try to stay sober, make sure my house is clean, everyone fed, work a little. Thats all I can do for today. It has been six months since I did oxy and 18 days since jumping from sub. That to me is an accomplisment. You should write a book. Someone here should. I hope all is well for you. You have come a long way. The rest will continue to happen like a domino effect where we crush out all the bad one by one......Thanks again Cc Be well.

  20. #20
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    How are you doing CC?

  21. #21
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Light & Love

    Hugs ❤️ NeedsSupport & ForMe! Thanks 4 stopping in to bring sunshine to my garden. Much much loved & appreciated! How am I doing today?? AMAZING!- comsidering it's Day 20 for me. I cringe when I say day 20 still but it is what it is. Although I do remind myself that it has been 74 Days since I made the jump & out of those days I have been clean for 59 of those Days. This was all of a result of my own ego not being willing to give up all of my power. So yeah it's be 20 days since I have up all my powers & I feel great!!!

    I'm keeping up on you ladies thru your threads. I think I connect with both of you for the same underlying reasons- the want for life again!

    The physical w/d like all others say is like the flu. I had been through it enough that I finally excepted it for what it was- toxins leaving my body. The mental part had always been my struggle & had been through life. Finding this site, joining, & starting my story has been exactly what everyone says- a lifeline! I found common ground through bits & pieces of everyone's thread. I'm just truly thankful for those that traveled this path before me ❤️. We're not alone on the dark & secretive journey & the light of others before us are lighting the path
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  22. #22
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default Today is one for the books!

    So here I am. It's been awhile. In a few short hours I will be 24 days. I had set a goal to move my journal here & continue to post but I have say I haven't been journaling at all. I've only been keeping track of my days.

    I started this journey on April 4th. I made it thru the physical withdraws, as I had became the Queen at forced withdraws. I made it 28 days before I caved mentally. This time around I burnt all the bridges & stranded myself of soberity island- I am so humble & grateful. After all was gone & I knew it was no longer an option I lost a huge hunk of my anxiety. It was at this point I started to dig down deep inside to try to piece together my life. It was at this time, 2-3 weeks in that my brain started firing again & it was mind blowing. It felt like all the dots were connecting & my mood was on such a high. I felt empowered- like enough to go change the world. Like I thought I was feeling good after that metal jacket lifted around day 7-8- but this was like WOW. In my first 28 days I would have up & down days but after relapsing & finally getting rid of my stock I finally felt free of all the chains that weighted me down.

    But sadly, the rainbow is gone. The clouds moved in and a storm is brewing. And the kicker is I am not in control of this storm. This is the same storm that I have been caught in for the last 20+ years. I have tried to fight against the storm with all my powers but I ending up losing myself & creating my own storm. Looking back now I can pin point the exact day date the 2 storms collided & became a massive catastrophic event. It was out of the catastrophe that a light began to shine & there was hope. That hope is mine & I want it & I'm going to & I'm doing it my way!

    Wow don't know where that came from but it's there. I promised myself I would go back & read my thread when I hit my 30 days. Now I'm kind of scared to. This has been a crazy ride for sure. If you're even thinking about doing this then DO IT! Document every last detail of the experience. I did & my journal started in January this year. I hold onto things to long to a fault. Had I cut the supply back then I would be 6 months in already. It the mental that gets you. Seriously though looking back at my journal now I can see the progress from each attempt until finally Mafe that final jump in April. I was able to keep my cool having the supply around but looking back at my journal I see I was still battling extreme aniexty. But like I said my bridges were burnt 24 days ago so no looking back. Great feeling. But back to the point I started. I'm afraid to read my thread b/c I was a proof reader in one of my past lives & I cringe to think of the rambling thoughts & my biggest pet peeves typos. But that's me personally & all part of what makes me- me.

    Okay I'm stalling my whole point of my post is that I DID IT!! I faced alcohol & told him NO! I don't know where it came from either. I have trying to take this process very slow- like literally the 1 step at a time slow. You become hypersensitive to everything around you. I know that I've mentioned but I have been finding ways to escape my life by self medicating since my teens. I was the all natural type so everything was herbal. I have never had an issue just the label or stigma that came with it. But after a tango with this recent devil- No Thank You. But thank you for showing me who I really am & how strong I really am. I found Me! No the me from childhood, or the 20's, not even the 30's me, add 40's to that too. I just found ME. ME now likes to stay happy in the moment b/c I know ch!t happens. I am no longer on auto pilot & I'm in full control my UFO

    Back to my point. My hub has been an alcoholic since the day we met. We were young so I thought he would grow out of it. Flash forward & he's been sober 8 months. This is court ordered for 1 year & the 2-3 years on paper with time hanging over his head. Having the peace of mind gave me the security I needed to make my jump. I then began to notice a change in him when he was switched from weekly reporting/testing to every other. The first time (I'm guessing) I caught him relapsing I relapsed. So his behavior is continuing & alcohol is slowly tightening its grip.

    I don't know if I journaled about his last relapse but it throw me for a loop & sent me spinning. I have no pills to run to so I was stuck with only me. I've been thinking & escaping (in a good way- back to nature) & processing. The tools I've picked up from others here along the way lead me to tonight.

    This is a no testing week for him & he's on vacation. In other words he's been drinking. Lol- he's been drinking & I've been thinking!! I knew there had to be a talk. My biggest concern was how to approach it. How does an addict tell an addict not to be an addict? He had been drinking (I know not the right time at all) but the words came out so fast & I had no control. I basically said I knew where this roller coaster was headed & I'm not ridin it. I even told him about the pills. He said he knew (not sure he knows exactly how bad it really was). But I told him I was done with them & I'm done with the alcohol. Set a back & gave bottom line!

    I don't know if this was the right time or if I said the right words. I've got mad anxiety & I can't sleep. I trying to keep myself in the moment & greeting this all down was my goal. I know sometimes I go back thru my journals just to remind myself. But today I definitely want to remember. I said no & he heard it! I know 1 thing I never ever want to have another Day 1 so I will remain humble & endure. I am here for a purpose & I will continue this adventure until I find it.

    Keep up the fight,

    ~CC
    Lvg nghtmare and somo like this.

  23. #23
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    I don't know what to say after reading that except that you're so freaking awesome!

    I'm hoping to be where you are in a few weeks.

  24. #24
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Here I sit in the exact same spot I used to crush my dreams up & breathe them in deeply thanking the powers that be for taking me away. What an experience this has been.

    This past week or so has been a true test to my soberity & ever so thankful that I no longer have access to pills. In a few short hours I will be 26 days free. I am still experience mild physical w/d. And by mild I have to remind myself that they're w/d symptoms. Tonight I'm obviously experiencing insomnia. The weird thing is that I'm thinking half of it is w/d & the other half is just me finally waking back up. I literally feel as if I have been asleep for the last 3 1/2 years. And guess what?? The very same issue that I was running/escaping/numbing from is still there (hubs alcohol abuse). But it's all feels different now. Going thru w/d has been a truly empowering experience for me self esteem wise. A year ago or me I was 200 plus pounds surviving on pills to wake be up, keep me calm, & put me to sleep. Today I'm under 150lbs- with some tone coming back, I lost the double chin, & my skin is clear & retaining color. Oh & im no longer puffy. And by far my most significant accomplishment is that I'm no longer relying on pills to dictate my life. I am still hypersensitive going up & down but those & starting to even out. I can honestly say that what I am feeling right now in this early stage of recovery does not compare to any high I got from the pills. I am 80-90% back to be that Super Woman I was on the pills but 100x better b/c I see & think clearly & I can (for the most part) have enough energy to keep up.

    The last few weeks I've been able to concentrate on me. I connected some dots about childhood to adulthood & reacquainted myself with that gal. I was able to let go & free up some room for the real demon that haunts me- my marriage!!!!! It has all boiled down to this! I knew it all along I just didn't want to fave the facts. I can no longer fulfill the role of that ride or die chic. I can longer live with alcohol. I know I've documented the confrontation & it has only continued to pick up steam from there. The timing of this could not be worse but it has put a road block in my path. I can no longer hide from it or run or even numb myself from it- the only way is to fave it head on. But like o sad I am hypersensitive to everything so I am feeling years of built up raw feelings. Yes, I would love to live the rest of my days with strength, will power, endurance, happiness, content. But I finally need to visit hurt. I had words with the hubs, who as been relapsing everyday this week & says this is him take it or leave it, but the feeling of hurt took over. I felt every ounce of hurt I have felt through all of these 29 some odd years. I have been trying to running from that hurt & all like terms. I've been running from it, hiding, escaping & taking everything under the sun to numb it.

    All this rambling, confusion & mixed up feelings & I can honestly say that I'm excited to see where this takes me. I no longer have a fear of the future. This time it is all different & not just because I'm sober. I've got myself convinced that this is a mid life crisis but trying to keep in mind that I'm still in early recovery. After numbing my mind for so long that the feeling of my owns brains chemicals is so satisfying. Of course my first reaction I have with my current situation is to run, escape & numb but I've tried just about everything I can think of & Cant find anything to dull the pain.

    My resolution? Float! I'm not ready right now. I've been swimming so fast & furious for so long that I'm sinking. I know I am not out of woods yet & it's just not the right time to make such a major decision like this. So rather than sink or swim I just going to float for awhile longer. I have voiced my opinion twice now with a bottom line & consequences. This was major for me. Now I float until it m's time to swim again.

    I wish my mind was together more so that I could coherently express my feelings. This all came on me without warning. I had just got to the point where I finally felt safe & curve ball. I just wish I knew how to go about addressing his relapse more tactfully but I'm sure as I start processing things better I will find my way.

    I just realized how late it actually is. I better wrap up here. So very thankful to feel again even if I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Whatever it is it is genuine, real, & raw.

    If there is a will there is a way,

    ~CC
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  25. #25
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Hey CC How are you? How are things going with your husband?

    I've been super depressed but I keep telling myself this is short lived. I will take a regular depressed day over a withdrawal depressed anytime!

  26. #26
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Default If Mama Ain't Happy Ain't No 1 Gonne Be

    I've been trying to get to my thread for the last couple days but can't get a minute to myself. Then if a get a minute my mind goes hay wire & I can't keep my thoughts straight.

    ForMe ❤️. Thanks for stopping by- pls excuse the mess- lol! Girrrl, you're doing it! I wouldn't worry about restarting days with the Kratom. It got you thru those few little days & you got rid of it. Your safe. I think the danger in Kratom is that some can start to depend on it & continue it. I'm no expert on it but don't think any damage is done. As far as the depression- just keep reminding yourself that your mind & body are waking up & will be hypersensitive. Start that Law of Attraction stuff & keep your own chemicals going. That metal jacket your wearing should be lifting if it hasn't already. I have found that this whole process gave me a major bust in the self esteem dept. the relationship with pills starts out as a good time but somewhere along the way the tables get turned & we become slaves. Standing up & having the inner strength to say NO- WOW just WOW!!

    I'm still scratching my head wondering where I got the strength to finally say NO but am forever grateful for it. What's so crazy is that deep down inside I know that strength came from ME! I'm still trying to own that strength but still working.

    You can do this ForMe. Your almost thru the physical & you will see your mental start to catch up. Pretty soon time will stop dragging & the minutes will go back to being minutes opposed to what feels like hours. Again I'm not an expert but about 7 days for the physical & then another 7 for mental. Of course time varies & it may be shorter or you might need longer. What a wonderful time for you to start your journey. A sober B-Day!!! How awesome is that fresh start!?! Vacation!!! Your about to ope. Your about to open your eyes to a whole knew way of life!! It's exciting- so turn that anxiety into excitement. This is going to be amasing!

    As for me, Day 29 from my last relapse. I owe all the success to not having access to the pills! I know for a fact I would not of made it this far if there was even a shred of a possibility of a pill.

    At this point in the game I have been through a major high (so glad that came first) & I was able to connect dots & my self esteem was thru the roof. Then came my low! I will say this- I know I'm still in the early stage of recovery & the high & lows come & go. I noticed at first the highs & lows happened in the same day. Then I would be on top of the world a few days & then back down a few. Then the high came & lasted a week & was building momentum. I'm sure it would have kept building but I hit a brick wall when hubs relapsed. Then I realized it! My lows, although I'm dealing with detox, are the same lows I've always had & was running/escaping/numbing myself from. On top on my personal opiate addiction, I'm codependent on my alcoholic hubs. I starting stalking a codependency forum & WOW! So still working though.

    Oh man, I seriously got to wrap up- I can hear the neighbor kids so my house will be invaded shortly. Just wanted to answer your question- how is hubs?? Selfish- lol! He has to report every other week. Last week was his off week & he was on vacation. He relapsed the whole week. I didn't know how to handle it so I tried to stay quiet. That lasted til the end of the week & then words were exchanged. Yep- back to the exact way it was. Like o said many of times I'm not sure where my power is coming from but Everything seems different & there is an ounce of hope in me so I'm taking it & running. He can have his deal b/c I no longer want it. Boom!

    To be continued thou. Story not over. Still a work in progress!

    If mama ain't happy ain't no on gonna be happy,

    ~CC
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  27. #27
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Just wanted to put this one in the books. I still have a handful of hours left of my day 30! I started this journey 83 days ago. I've had 3 relapses during this time that lasted a total of 15 days. So out of the last 83 days I've had 68 opiate free days. Those numbers no longer matter b/c it was 30 days ago (soon to be 31) that I left the pills & started life again!

    Today was a good day! Yesterday even better as I told alcohol NO MORE! I took a completely different approach this time. I planted the seed at the right time & the right place. I can't wait to see what it grows into.

    Everything I feared during my use has turned out to be a lie & I can finally clearly see that.

    Weather the storm everyone b/c there is a rainbow waiting at the end!

    Feeling Free,

    ~CC
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  28. #28
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Sooooo happy for you CC!! I'm giving you the biggest virtual hug right now!

  29. #29
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    CC, thanks for the post on my thread, but I don't think it all posted. Please try it again, I need your input! Thanks!
    .....Ryka-Leah

  30. #30
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    Day 38- As much as life sucks I can honestly say I am happy & at peace with myself. I sit here in awe over being awaken from the nightmare of my life long struggle with addiction.

    I'm posting today b/c I came across one of those memes & it spoke to me. It said something like you don't get over an addiction by stopping the use. You recover by creating a new life where it's easier not to use. Can I get an AMEN

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