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Melaihdren story and journal
  1. #1
    Melaihdren is offline New Member
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    Default Melaihdren story and journal

    So this is my first post. I've read quite a bit of other post. Cats story was inspiration for me and I felt that I've seen things about myself that I didn't realize I was hiding. Who knows the mind of an addict but another addict. So the beginning of my story is about 5 years ago.....

    My mother was addicted to drugs her entire life so I was raised by my grandparents, who tried to raise me right. My mom and I had since repaired our relationship (or so I told myself) and she was on 100 loratabs and 100 zanax a month. She lost her job on her day off. I had paid her $300 water bill twice. She begged me to move in with her and help her, but my wife was against it. Truthfully, I was too. We had a two year old and my mom's house was nasty and she had a dog that would bite. Her air conditioning had quit working in hot Louisiana summer. My wife found her body after 7 days inside of that hot ass house. It was very difficult for me to deal with because of the guilty feeling that I had. I might as well have killed her myself. She was about to lose her house, so she killed herself to make sure that I would get the house instead of the bank. Wow, what self sacrifice!!. My pill habit slowly started picking up.

    Fast forward 2-3 months later. I find out that my dad has renal cell carcinoma. He has maybe a year to live. I'm 34 or so at the time. To Young to be losing all of my family. Me and my dad try and spend as much time as we can together. Not near as much as I wanted. My wife had our last child by then and needed me at home. I thought, like my mom, that me and my dad had our problems worked out as well. How wrong I was!! I spent the last 2 weeks he was alive by his side. He was on a ungodly amount of pain meds on a pump, liquid morphine, liquid Valium, and liquid fentanyl. I was who fixed the syringes and gave him his medicine. My job was to make sure he never woke back up( dad's orders). I probably didn't sleep but 5 hours in2 weeks. The last day he was alive I made up 2 full syringes of all of his medicine and gave him all 6 at once. I felt like he had suffered enough. I gave him a hug and I heard his other lung pop. It sounded like a balloon pooping underwater. That sound and him trying to breathe for 3-5minutes still haunts me to this day.

    After that, I had to do something different. I couldn't just go to work like nothing had happened you know, so I decided to take a chance and start my own masonry business. Turned out to be both the best and worst mistake of my life. I went from having nothing but happiness to making $2-3k a week. A year later,I'm still broke and have developed a 20+ loratabs 10 a day habit. It starts soo slow. It's so easy to justify my actions. To justify the money and time. I would quit tomorrow, but tomorrow always came and went. I finally tried to quit after my wife figured out what I was doing, but I was unsuccessful. So in ignorance, I went to the only place I thought I could get help without losing my wife and kids( who is ALL I have left at this point) or having to tell my 80 year old grandmother. She is my last blood relative who isn't my child. So I went to the Suboxone clinic. What a joke. I was going there once a month a getting 60 8mg tablets of Subutex. In 2 years, nobody ever asked me to start cutting back. Never any offer of counseling or anything. Just give us your $300 a month. I would over take my medicine and they would just chew my butt and call me in some more. My mind was so clouded by this point, I thought I was "normal" while everyone else watched me turn into some monster. I wanted to quit and even tried a couple of times unsuccessful. I really got to the point that I just hoped to get my kids through high school before I died. My wife would never understand and she has never been supportive about anything. She blamed her problem with me on my parents dieing. Needless to say, I had developed a lot of resentment towards her.

    So about 2 months ago, by the grace of God, my wife found an appointment card from my sub Dr that I forgot to throw away. And much to my surprise, my wife has been both supportive and understanding. Although I still feel very uncomfortable talking about my feeling with her because it always turns into a buttchewing about how it is effecting her. I just can't stand the thought of being alone. I would put up with anything to keep from losing my 7 and 5 year old. But I still realize that I have to talk to someone who will not pass judgement. And I have always had a overwhelming urge to help people. Hopefully my pain will save someone else from having to go through it. So like cat, I'm going to write my journey here to try and find my light in the darkness and maybe help others as I help myself. Although I don't know if my wife will stay with me, I realize at this point, I have to do it for myself.

    I have been doing a slow taper. I dropped from 16-24mg of sub a day to 8mg instantly. After 4-5 days, I've been dropping 25% every 4-5 days. I'm down to 2mg a day now and will start 1mg a day tomorrow. Even at this low a dose, I feel pretty ok. I'm getting slight w/d symptoms, but nothing noteworthy. I am on a waiting list to go to rehab. I'm hopeful to be to .5 or .25mg before I head there. I honestly never dreamed I could get this far, but maybe fear has kept me on the straight and narrow. My wife even went out of town for 5 days and I stayed on course without supervision. I honestly don't think I need the detox part of rehab, but I think the therapy side of it will be very helpful.

    I'm so proud of all the people that has managed to kick this sub and pill habit. No addicts can never understand what we are going through. This stuff is the devil for real, in substance form. And he is always calling for you. I'm ready to quit answering. All the best, till I have more revelations

    Mel
    Randy35 and ForMe30 like this.

  2. #2
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Mel, welcome to the forum family!

    Yep, Cat's really something isn't she? We are both lucky and blessed to have her stick around here for as long as she has.

    Congratulations on your success to this point. I would really like to see you NOT drop from 2mg of sub per day to 1mg per day as that's a 50% reduction and your body may rebel against that move. Our taper plan suggests dose reductions of 25% every 4-7 days or so. That means your dose would drop from 2mg down to 1.5mg per day. After spending some time on that dose the next 25% reduction would be down to 1.125mg and so on until you're down to at least .25mg per day.

    Of course you can do as you please, but if you do make that 50% drop it will most likely catch up with you at some point as you reduce lower. The last thing you want to do is get in a hurry to get off the subs. The taper needs to be slow and steady to have the best chance of having the least amount of problems, and rough wd's after your final jump. It shouldn't be a race.

    I'm not understanding why you want to go to rehab if you're doing well on the sub taper? That's your call of course, but I would suggest you check out some face to face support meetings such as NA or AA. The help and support at those meetings are priceless.

    Take care and all the best to you!

    Randy

  3. #3
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    I read this yesterday and couldn't really respond because I don't know anything about subs or tapering from them. But I do have to say you should cut yourself a break - you have been through some major stuff with your parents - most people live a lifetime and don't have those tough circumstances to endure. You sound like a really strong person. I know you can do this. Lean on the people here to help you.

  4. #4
    conwaycreek is offline Member
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    Hey Mel,

    There's at least one stranger that's proud of you, me. I can relate to the ordeal you endured with your father, and even more so with the statement you made about being convinced that we are doomed to die as addicts. Well, we're not. I try to think of the difficult things that others have done, accomplished, overcome...and know that you and I can both climb this mountain.

    Like you, I'm new to this forum too. I encourage you to post often, and every time you think about giving up, go look at your children and remind yourself of the choice you are making to beat this and to be there for them.

    Best wishes from Alabama!

  5. #5
    Melaihdren is offline New Member
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    Finally get to add to my thread. Been telling me my ip address was banned for weeks. I tapered down to .5mg and finally made the jump. Flushed my last two films down the toilet. Been 31 hours since my last dose. Feeling ok for the most part so far, but I know the worst is in a couple more days. It's been a long road so far, but I feel like I'm on the last stretch of road. I will.be posting more now that I figured out how. I'm not good with technology haha

  6. #6
    Melaihdren is offline New Member
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    Literally been awake all night. Im so sleepy, but my arm has hurt all night and never could get comfortable. I've got to get something to help me sleep. I got melatonin which didn't work.

  7. #7
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome Mel!

    I'm sorry that I missed your original post but I'm sure glad you found this thread and your way back here. Can't tell you how much this will help you. Randy mentioned meetings. Have you found one and are you going?

    I wish you hadn't thrown those last two strips away. It would have been much better had you done a few more reductions until your daily dose was at .25 or less. This last stretch can be a bear. I'm not saying it can't be done because it can and others have jumped at even higher doses than that. It's just that because of the stacking of the sub (long half life) you still have a significant amount of sub in your system and are probably going to experience a few weeks of discomfort. What's done is done. I have to ask though. Is there a way to get a couple more strips and taper lower? That, I think would be ideal. If you can't or don't want to, treat the symptoms the best you can and know that this will get better. Use Immodium for the bathroom issues, hot baths and heating pads for aches and RLS. The Thomas Recipe has a list of vitamins and supplements that many report helped them with low energy. Be sure to drink tons of water. You don't want to become dehydrated because that will make all of your symptoms worse and add some of its own. As far as sleep goes, I'm sorry to say that I never did find anything to help with that. I just had to grit my teeth with determination and have faith that things would turn around. Of course they did. They always do.

    Therapy can do so much for you. It's time to heal. I can identify with at least some of what you described. Gosh! Not the part about your mother. That's horrible but I hope you know that it wasn't your fault. I took my mother in when she was end stage cancer and took care of her until the end and I too gave her enough pain medication at the end to make it the end. I have no guilt about that. It's what she would have wanted and it's what I would have wanted had I been in her place.

    I think that I'm mostly a good person but in my heart of hearts, I could never be good enough. THAT was my opinion. My childhood wasn't such a great story either. I can't imagine what it was like for my siblings because through it all, I was the golden child. It can be hard to live up to that so beginning very early on there were no bounds to what I would do to get that approval and in the end it was a lot of self sacrifice. Doing other than that made me feel selfish and my mother re-enforced that belief by laying on the guilt trip. This method of survival I thought would carry me through life and people would love me if I could just be selfless enough. Turns out it's the exact opposite. Give off the vibe that you are only worthy of love so long as you're doing sets us up so that it is just expected, not appreciated, and it sabotages the ability of others to respect us. After all, we're not respecting ourselves. I don't say that in a self pitying way. It's just the truth. Once we peel that away and learn who we are and acknowledge our needs, it makes us more attractive and more lovable. I used to be so proud of the fact that I was "independent" and in my own selfishness to do everything and anything for those I loved, I was cheating them out of the opportunity to do things for me. It was a bit of a shock for my family when I began to ask for help and to refuse to be taken for granted. It wasn't their fault. I had set those guidelines and suddenly after so many years I wasn't OK with that anymore. It scared me chitless. I really thought that I'd lose everyone I loved. lol That didn't happen and I have to tell you, I LOVE that today my family will sometimes take care of me and my relationships are better than I could have ever dreamed. It's all about balance. I am who I am so I am still quick to jump at the chance to take care of people but I balance that by trying to only do what's appropriate and by allowing them to love me back. Somewhere in this dysfunction I believed that the love others felt for me was measured by what I could give and do for them. It had never occurred to me that just maybe others wanted to take care of me once in a while.

    My life is far from perfect but that's just life With my sobriety, I have found a lot of self respect and I like myself. Seven years ago, I couldn't have said that. Once I got clean, I knew the only way I would survive and maintain my recovery was to take care of me first or I'd be of no value to anyone else. Have you ever noticed the the most attractive and lovable people are those who are confident and seem to like themselves? I wanted to be that but had no idea of how to it. Well--you do it one day at a time and begin to do things that are uncomfortable in the beginning. Simply put, you're allowing the people who love you to love you. Not so selfish after all.

    Keep posting now that you've figured out how to find your thread. I agree with Randy (I always do!) I don't think that rehab will offer you anything that meetings will give to you. Adding therapy to that for some help that's specific to you is a great idea too. Being sober is scary at first but it's also exciting. It's never too late to change the things in our lives that either have stopped working or never worked in the first place but we just didn't see it.

    Peace,

    Cat

  8. #8
    conwaycreek is offline Member
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    Hey Mel,

    How's it going today? Just thought I'd stop by to offer encouragement and we'll-wishes. You should be soon over the worst of it, keep it up and let me know how you're holding up,

    CC

  9. #9
    Melaihdren is offline New Member
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    I'm at 85 hours since my last dose and honestly it's not near as bad as I thought it would be. I went and played 18 holes of frisbee golf today for the first time so I walked about 1.5 miles. My legs are sore, feels like someone is wringing them out. I was able to take a couple of naps today, so I was able to get about 4 hours total today's. I'm drinking water and Gatorade. My appetite hasn't been affected at all. My wife started college Monday, so I've been trying to help her, no time to feel sorry for myself. I'm not sitting at home all day, which I think helps alot. I've read all 7 years of your story cat, and it really inspired me. I had read so many horror stories that it was nice to see that it could be done. Reason I didn't taper lower is because I was already in minor withdraws on the small dose I was on. I figured that I was just putting it off. If day 3,4, and 5 are the worst then I am very pleased with my body's response. I'm different for some reason. I've read that red headed people response different to pain meds, so maybe that's it. I could eat subs in the morning and pills in the evening and get high both times. Noloxone never reacted like it was supposed to. I don't think rehab is going to call me anyway, so I'm planning to go to NA meeting Monday. Worst should be over by then anyway. I've started talking to my wife again. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed her. Crazy how these drugs effect our daily lives and we don't even know it. My grandpa told me when I was young. "You can do anything you want as long as you are willing to pay the price." No matter what I did, the Piper was coming to collect his due. No way to avoid it, even if I had tapered to nothing. The more pain that's involved, the more likely that I won't forget it lol. I told my wife to kick me square in the behind if I even consider taking another pain pill. I still have 10 in the pharmacy, but I'm going to call Monday and cancel them so I won't be tempted to retrieve them. I really appreciate you cat, Randy, conway. You guys really seem to care about other people. Knowing how tough this can be. I really feel lucky that's it's not worse. It's more like a dreaded man cold than the flu so far. All the best,

    Mel

  10. #10
    conwaycreek is offline Member
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    Wow, that's great. I LOVE disc-golf and used to play a lot 20+ years ago, but old shoulders and lack of talent...

    Keep up the hardnose attitude, and keep us all informed!

    CC

  11. #11
    Melaihdren is offline New Member
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    Made it to day 6. Seems like most of my withdrawal symptoms are gone other than a little soreness. Been sleeping 6-8 hours for the last few nights. Fatigued a little, but never going to be like it was on pills. Nobody is supposed to have that much energy. I feel very blessed and fortunate.
    conwaycreek and Catrina like this.

  12. #12
    conwaycreek is offline Member
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    You're my new hero Mel. I hope I am in your shoes sometime soon! Crazy to think someone would say that, but it's true. Now that you're clean, I think the real work begins...stay tough! The only easy day was yesterday!

  13. #13
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melaihdren View Post
    Made it to day 6. Seems like most of my withdrawal symptoms are gone other than a little soreness. Been sleeping 6-8 hours for the last few nights. Fatigued a little, but never going to be like it was on pills. Nobody is supposed to have that much energy. I feel very blessed and fortunate.
    Wooohoooo! How fantastic is this? Please be sure you keep posting even if they are short little updates. We all remember how frightened we were when we met up with our last Day 1. It's discouraging for new folks hoping to read some posts from those of us who got through our detox and have good things to report. Some people have more trouble than others but I can say for myself, that finding this Forum and changing my entire thought process going into detox is what made the biggest difference for me. I wasn't dreading my Day 1, I was excited for it. I found hope and that was one of the main ingredients that I had always been missing until then.

    Peace,

    Cat

  14. #14
    Melaihdren is offline New Member
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    Day 8 today. Haven't slept too good last couple of nights. But the good news is that's the last remaining symptom. I'm not experiencing any other withdraws. It's been the most free that I've felt in year. No depression and no craving. I'm ready to go back to work. Get back into some type of routine again. Worst part has been stuck in the house for over a month now. I know this will sound cliche, but God gives all of us signs of what we need to be doing. But to many times we dismiss those obvious signs. I feel very blessed to have made it this far. You read too many horror stories of people in day 20-30 still feeling like days 3-4. This is one of the most difficult battles of your life and you need the most powerful ally to help guide you through.

    I actually missed my first meeting yesterday. Just had so much going on that I completely forgot about it till this morning. Luckily there is another one on Wednesday that I'm going to.

    Good luck to anyone getting ready or in the middle of getting clean. You CAN do it, you just have to believe in yourself!!
    Lvg nghtmare and conwaycreek like this.

  15. #15
    Melaihdren is offline New Member
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    Day 10 is almost done. I went to first NA meeting last night. It was pretty fun, got another one tomorrow. I'm feeling really good the past few days. I've had some good nights of sleep and a few not so good nights, but I can live with it. Life just seems to have a much better outlook being clean. Never realized the extent of the fog I was in.

  16. #16
    Melaihdren is offline New Member
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    18 days clean today. It's really an amazing feeling. Been going to NA meetings 3 days a week. It's a small group which I like since it's hard for me to open up. I've already gained 20 pounds haha, which I desperately needed. I've been blaming my diabetes on alot of things that was really the drugs. My wife ordered an 18 panel drug screen and I passed. Wouldn't have done that in 5 years. I feel great. Just want to thank everyone that has helped me get through this

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