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My boyfriend chose pot over me!? Please read. :(
  1. #1
    Rocknut is offline New Member
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    Default My boyfriend chose pot over me!? Please read. :(

    This is a little long. Please read it. This is what my life has been like for months. I need help and advice
    I am a 27 year old gay man from Alabama. Recently, I thought i met the man of my dreams. I met a 25 year old man from California. He moved to small town Alabama to escape the "drug life" of his hometown in Costa Mesa California. He admitted to me that he tried "every drug." However, he says the only drug he ever did on a consistent basis was Pot. My boyfriend is shady about his past, but he claims he was addicted to Pot, on a daily basis, from the age of 14 until last april. That is 10 years.
    He told me over and over about how pot controlled his life. He repeated the same line to me over and over. He constantly told me about how Pot was his "darkness." He told me he it controlled his entire being. He CONSTANTLY told me he would NEVER relapse back to his old life. He said "I will never let pot, a stupid drug, ruin our relationship."
    When we started dating in September, he said he had been clean since he moved to Alabama in April. Things went great. We loved each other deeply. I came out of the closet with him. We talked about spending our lives together... until..
    He was living with his aunt for free the entire time in Alabama. But, in mid November, he said he wanted more "freedom." He decided to move in with his cousin. His cousin rents a house. After my boyfriend moved in, the landlord said HE COULD NOT stay there without being on the lease. The landlord gave him until March 1st to move out. This caused him to FREAK out, severe anxiety.
    He got really depressed in December. He DEEPLY missed his family in California. His grandmother died near Thanksgiving.
    He came to me on December 28th and said, "i smoked pot with people from work. I didn't like it. It won't happen again."
    I have a ZERO TOLERANCE for any drug use, BUT, I told him, "please don't do it again. if you feel like doing it, call me, talk to me."
    Well, on January 7th he came to me again and said he smoked pot. I just shook my head and again begged him not to.
    On January 11th I picked him up for lunch. Within 5 minutes he had what I would call a bipolar episode(possibly pot induced?) where he reversed himself on everything he had ever told me. He told me he hated living in Alabama. He told me he wasn't sure about a relationship with me. He told me, "pot isn't bad. i will smoke it when i want to. He said lot's of hurtful, awful things that came out of nowhere.
    I tried to break up with him. At first he was angry, but a few hours later he called me begging, crying, apologizing. I ignored him. Then he called threatening to kill himself. Like a dummy I took him back.
    Things went back to relative calm for a short while. His mother came in on January 22nd to visit him. She left on January 24th. I met her. She cried in my arms when she met me because she said I was a good guy. When she left, he was SEVERELY depressed.
    The communication between us changed DRASTICALLY. I didn't hear from him for 2 days. Then he called me and said, "not talking to you for 2 days made me realize how much i miss you." I was like, "what the hell are you talking about?"
    After that the communication was never the same. He used to call me when he woke up, before work, after work, before bed. He would text me at various times throughout the day. Then he just suddenly stopped.
    Not only did he stop wanting to talk to me, he stopped wanting me to come over. He constantly begged me to come to his house..then..nothing
    I knew something was up. Well, a friend of mine came to me on February 1st and told me my boyfriend was getting stoned constantly. Well, my suspicions were confirmed. That's why he was avoiding me. I confronted him with this. He begged me not to leave him. He said he would stop.
    Well, the communication got better for a few days..until..
    Then it all came to a grinding hault on February 5th.
    He came to my job, screaming at me, telling me, "IT'S YOUR FAULT I DO DRUGS. I HADN'T RELAPSED UNTIL I MET YOU."
    But right after he told me that, he completely reversed himself. He started crying. He said, "im getting worse. I'm torn between loving you and doing pot all day. I just want to do pot all day."
    Again, I was devastated. I tried breaking up with him, and again, he called crying, apologizing.
    He told me he was scared. He told me the darkness was consuming him.
    I begged him to talk to me, to let me help him get help..
    All he did was cut off communication with me more after the February 5th incident.
    I didn't see him for a week. I called, texted. He started saying, "I need my space. Leave me alone." He refused to make any effort to see me.
    Well, I went to see him at work one day. He acted like he couldnt stand to see me. I went to his house a few days. He acted so annoyed to be in my presence.
    Finally I said on February 20th in a text message, "i'm tired of chasing after you. please make some effort to see me." He replied, "im tired of trying to please you. give me my space. It's your fault I relapsed."
    Finally yesterday I MADE HIM talk to me. I boxed his car in with mine. I begged him to talk to me. He said these exact words, "I need my space to see if I still love you or not. I know it sounds cold hearted."
    Now he completely ignores me. I went by his house. He refused to answer the door.
    What has happened to my love? Is it completely gone? Is there any hope left?

  2. #2
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Dear Rocknut,

    My heart goes out to you, as you've fallen in love with a drug addict. Don't let the idea that it is "just pot" fool you - clearly, this is addiction. And when loved ones around an addict try to make sense of the addict's behavior, they can not. There is no logic. Our thinking is distorted, our feelings are irrational. (Yes, I'm an addict, in recovery nearly 10 years.)

    Basically, when we're active in our addictions, our brain is hijacked by the drug. It is not that we stop loving those we had loved; it's that the POWER of the drug outranks all else in our lives. It owns us - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially... nothing comes before the drug. The only recovery is complete 100% abstinence. Anything less - any drug use - will trigger our disease - and change who we are.

    Since your bf has been depending upon pot since age 14 - that's where his emotional growth stopped. In essence, emotionally, he is still 14. The extent of his coping skills are what he knew at 14. The only way that he has learned to cope with any kind of difficulty or difficult emotion is to smoke pot. So that is why any 'bump in the road' sends him back to drugs. He knows nothing else to do that will help as quickly and easily as smoking would.

    And yet - he hates this about himself. We need to stay in denial - and blame other things and other people - so that we don't have to look at ourselves - and our drug use. So he is lashing out at you - or anything else he can (homesickness, etc.) - because he can not admit the truth to himself. At this point, he thinks the pot is what is making his misery more tolerable -- when, in truth, the basis of his misery is the pot.

    He has no coping skills. He doesn't know how to "do" life without this crutch. He resents that - and he resents you for expecting (or simply wanting) him to do so.

    Until or unless he realizes that the drugs are the problem - and that he wants to change his life - he won't change. It's a major upheaval of ourselves - and our lives - that has to occur for long-term recovery to be possible. It is NOT as simple as stopping - and moving on. This is NOT like giving up chocolate to lose a few pounds - or even like giving up smoking cigarettes. It is a complex, insidious disease that is ruling him - and it will take a tremendous amount of determination and willingness for him to overcome it. That desire to change must come from within him. He can not do for someone else - no matter how much he loves them. He has to want it for himself. And that is the toughest hurdle.

    The best place for you to turn - to help yourself to deal with this - and to help him, if you are to remain involved - is to either Alanon or Naranon. These are 12 step groups designed specifically for those with loved ones who are addicts. That is where you'll get to know more about this disease, and more about how to cope with the impact it's having on you. This is where you'll learn what you can do to help - and what you can not do, which would enable him.

    Please do not pass judgement too harshly on him. This is an actual disease - recognized by the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association. It does not signify that a person is "weak" or "immoral." It means that he has a genetic pre-disposition toward addiction (that he didn't know about), that was triggered as soon as he first introduced drugs to his body back when he was a child. This disease progresses; it does not pass on its own. It is highly resistant to treatment, and it can be a monster to overcome. But there is hope. But the KEY to his success has to lie within his own desire to want to change.

    I hope some of what I said helps. Please feel free to continue to post, as you will not only gain a lot of support and information, but I'm sure that your courage in sharing will help others, who do not dare.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  3. #3
    Rocknut is offline New Member
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    Ruth, you seem to have hit it right on the dot.
    Right now help is impossible.
    He has pretty much cut off contact with me entirely.
    I just don't know if there is anything I can do.
    He told me for months we were soul mates. He wanted to live together. Now he says "I'd rather be alone. that's how i feel."
    Like i said, he told me he doesn't even know if he has feelings.
    He has told me several times "I don't know what I want."
    I suspect the pot is clouding his thoughts? I just don't know. It tears me apart.

  4. #4
    Buckeye13 is offline Banned
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    Damn Ruth...

    That was solid...

    Good luck to you Rocky...

    -Buck

  5. #5
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rocknut View Post
    Ruth, you seem to have hit it right on the dot.
    Right now help is impossible.
    He has pretty much cut off contact with me entirely.
    I just don't know if there is anything I can do.
    He told me for months we were soul mates. He wanted to live together. Now he says "I'd rather be alone. that's how i feel."
    Like i said, he told me he doesn't even know if he has feelings.
    He has told me several times "I don't know what I want."
    I suspect the pot is clouding his thoughts? I just don't know. It tears me apart.

    Yes, the pot is clouding his thoughts - and messing with his emotions. But it's more than just the "high" from pot - it's the entire twisted thinking of addiction.

    As addicts, our thinking is not like the average person. You hear me now, clear-minded, and I sound (fairly!) sane. But if you were to give me one pill - or one drink (etc.) - a different person emerges. Not necessary because I'm clouded from being high - but because there is another persona within me, when my disease is active.

    Addiction truly distorts our thinking - and it all happens without our knowledge, permission or control. Our disease causes our mind to justify and rationalize anything that stands in the way of our drug use. Ever notice that addicts/alcoholics tend to often feel angry (at someone, something, or life in general) or feel victimized (by someone, something, or life in general)? That's our disease fueling our minds... so that we feel justified in continuing to use drugs. It's everyone else's fault that we're unhappy. Everyone else it to blame for our misery. There's a thinking that goes along the line of, "If you had my problems, you'd take drugs, too." Woe is me.

    So there wasn't a conscious decision to choose drugs over you - rather, his thinking distorted the situation, to enable him to stay with the drugs. He is caught up in excuses to himself - telling himself a million reasons why it wouldn't work with you. This disease is causing him to blow up your shortcomings in his mind, to fuel his decision. His disease is trying to justify and rationalize himself into thinking that he didn't want the relationship, period - rather than think, "I was choosing drugs over the relationship." That isn't a conscious thought at all.

    That's how our thinking gets distorted. Our disease fools us. It lies to us, as much as we lie to others. Our disease tells us that we're ok - and everyone else is wrong. Right now, your bf's disease is telling him, "He (you) is trying to control me - and that's not the kind of relationship I want." "He (you) wants to change me - he doesn't accept me as I am." (Etc., etc.) He doesn't consciously think, "I want to smoke pot and he won't let me so screw him." Rather, this disease finds an ingenius way (through his subconscious), to justify doing what he's doing.

    I don't know if any of that makes sense to you - as it's so hard to put into words on a page! It doesn't change the situation, I know - but I hope it can help you to realize that it's his disease in action - far more than being personally directed at you.

    Ruth

    PS. Thanks, Buck...

    Rocknut likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  6. #6
    Rocknut is offline New Member
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    Ruth, thank you so much for your words. They have helped me understand quite a bit. I think god sent you to help me. Your words have helped me stop crying.
    I have cried and cried trying to think of what I did wrong.
    I never did drugs. I rarely drink. So it it almost impossible for me to understand what you're saying.
    However, the controlling thing is right on the button! Ever since he started pot again, he keeps repeating this same phrase, "I need space."
    The more I tried to help the ANGRIER he became and the MORE SPACE he needed. He went from wanting to see me everyday, to a few days a week, to once a week, now to a COMPLETE cut off in communication.
    The last time I talked to him. I said, "I know why you hate me. You're tired of me ?????ing and moaning about pot..is that right?"
    He said, "yes", amongst other things.
    I FEEL guilty in some way that my constant badgering DROVE him away from me. But it probably would have happened eventually anyway?
    You are completely right about another person being in him. After he relapsed, he started blowing up on me. He started being very moody. He started contradicting himself. He started saying things to intentionally hurt me. His sexual moods even changed. He began not wanting to kiss me, touch me. That part I didn't understand.
    It just showed me how quickly it all happened.. So, relapse started on 12/28, cut me off 2/20. It took less than 2 months for him to be forever changed.
    So my question is, is this permanent? Is there any hope? Will he eventually come back to his senses? Help from me is impossible since he refuses me phone calls, texts. He won't answer the door at his house. Will he EVER contact me again?

  7. #7
    Sadcat is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rocknut View Post
    Ruth, thank you so much for your words. They have helped me understand quite a bit. I think god sent you to help me. Your words have helped me stop crying.
    I have cried and cried trying to think of what I did wrong.
    I never did drugs. I rarely drink. So it it almost impossible for me to understand what you're saying.
    However, the controlling thing is right on the button! Ever since he started pot again, he keeps repeating this same phrase, "I need space."
    The more I tried to help the ANGRIER he became and the MORE SPACE he needed. He went from wanting to see me everyday, to a few days a week, to once a week, now to a COMPLETE cut off in communication.
    The last time I talked to him. I said, "I know why you hate me. You're tired of me ?????ing and moaning about pot..is that right?"
    He said, "yes", amongst other things.
    I FEEL guilty in some way that my constant badgering DROVE him away from me. But it probably would have happened eventually anyway?
    You are completely right about another person being in him. After he relapsed, he started blowing up on me. He started being very moody. He started contradicting himself. He started saying things to intentionally hurt me. His sexual moods even changed. He began not wanting to kiss me, touch me. That part I didn't understand.
    It just showed me how quickly it all happened.. So, relapse started on 12/28, cut me off 2/20. It took less than 2 months for him to be forever changed.
    So my question is, is this permanent? Is there any hope? Will he eventually come back to his senses? Help from me is impossible since he refuses me phone calls, texts. He won't answer the door at his house. Will he EVER contact me again?



    I totally understand how you feel now because I have the same story to tell. My ex and I dated for 1.5 months. We loved each other and he treated me like your boyfriend treated you. He texted me every morning, thru out the day, and we see each other like 5-6 days a week. He told me I was his soul mate and wanted to have a family with me with a beautiful daughter. I told me I wanted to be with a sober man so I asked him to quit drinking for me after we got serious so he said he loved me, he stopped drinking since. 3 months ago, I found he was in >>>>>> for a year while he was with me. I don't drink or smoke or use any drugs or being around any drug users before so he easily lied to me. When I found he was on drugs I was totally destroyed and hurt. We agree that he would go get treatment and I want him to stay away from his friends who are doing drugs and he agreed. In the mean time, I refused to see him and give him a choice to disconnect with all his drug friends. He did for like a day then he changed his mind. He said his friends are important to him and he wanted to help them as well and also he doesn't want to quit drinking anymore. He still loved me but wants to be himself. He is on suboxone drug treatment for >>>>>> for like 2 months now. I don't understand why he is completely changed his feeling forward drinking even though he told me he wasn't really care about drinking and agree that alcohol is another form of drugs. Did the suboxone drug changed his feeling? Drinking will easily trigger him backing to smoking >>>>>> again and that is what I'm afraid of. I heard that smoking >>>>>> has a 2% of recovery chance so is he worth of being with? What should I do because I'm still thinking about him.

  8. #8
    AN2006 is offline New Member
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    Default Heartbroken from addict pothead boyfriend

    I truly hope that Ruth is still active on this site as your words have helped me so much. I would like to share my story if you or anyone is still reading this post. I'm heartbroken and devestated. Thank you!!
    Quote Originally Posted by ARTIST658 View Post
    Dear Rocknut,

    My heart goes out to you, as you've fallen in love with a drug addict. Don't let the idea that it is "just pot" fool you - clearly, this is addiction. And when loved ones around an addict try to make sense of the addict's behavior, they can not. There is no logic. Our thinking is distorted, our feelings are irrational. (Yes, I'm an addict, in recovery nearly 10 years.)

    Basically, when we're active in our addictions, our brain is hijacked by the drug. It is not that we stop loving those we had loved; it's that the POWER of the drug outranks all else in our lives. It owns us - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially... nothing comes before the drug. The only recovery is complete 100% abstinence. Anything less - any drug use - will trigger our disease - and change who we are.

    Since your bf has been depending upon pot since age 14 - that's where his emotional growth stopped. In essence, emotionally, he is still 14. The extent of his coping skills are what he knew at 14. The only way that he has learned to cope with any kind of difficulty or difficult emotion is to smoke pot. So that is why any 'bump in the road' sends him back to drugs. He knows nothing else to do that will help as quickly and easily as smoking would.

    And yet - he hates this about himself. We need to stay in denial - and blame other things and other people - so that we don't have to look at ourselves - and our drug use. So he is lashing out at you - or anything else he can (homesickness, etc.) - because he can not admit the truth to himself. At this point, he thinks the pot is what is making his misery more tolerable -- when, in truth, the basis of his misery is the pot.

    He has no coping skills. He doesn't know how to "do" life without this crutch. He resents that - and he resents you for expecting (or simply wanting) him to do so.

    Until or unless he realizes that the drugs are the problem - and that he wants to change his life - he won't change. It's a major upheaval of ourselves - and our lives - that has to occur for long-term recovery to be possible. It is NOT as simple as stopping - and moving on. This is NOT like giving up chocolate to lose a few pounds - or even like giving up smoking cigarettes. It is a complex, insidious disease that is ruling him - and it will take a tremendous amount of determination and willingness for him to overcome it. That desire to change must come from within him. He can not do for someone else - no matter how much he loves them. He has to want it for himself. And that is the toughest hurdle.

    The best place for you to turn - to help yourself to deal with this - and to help him, if you are to remain involved - is to either Alanon or Naranon. These are 12 step groups designed specifically for those with loved ones who are addicts. That is where you'll get to know more about this disease, and more about how to cope with the impact it's having on you. This is where you'll learn what you can do to help - and what you can not do, which would enable him.

    Please do not pass judgement too harshly on him. This is an actual disease - recognized by the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association. It does not signify that a person is "weak" or "immoral." It means that he has a genetic pre-disposition toward addiction (that he didn't know about), that was triggered as soon as he first introduced drugs to his body back when he was a child. This disease progresses; it does not pass on its own. It is highly resistant to treatment, and it can be a monster to overcome. But there is hope. But the KEY to his success has to lie within his own desire to want to change.

    I hope some of what I said helps. Please feel free to continue to post, as you will not only gain a lot of support and information, but I'm sure that your courage in sharing will help others, who do not dare.

    God bless,
    Ruth

  9. #9
    snydam63 is offline New Member
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    Hi Ruth: Thank you for helping me understand my boyfriend's behavior. He is acting exactly as you have described it. If you are still on this site, I would really like to talk to you if possible. I need to to figure out what to do about this situation. I hurt so much!!! Thanks

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