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My Story.. in need!
  1. #1
    Loyalty is offline New Member
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    Default My Story.. in need!

    So, I go by Loyalty, and I'm 26. I've been addicted to Oxycodone for 27 months. I was introduced to hydrocodone in 2011 when I was 20 after underwent surgery to get my appendix taken out. I absolutely loved the feeling they gave me. But in those days, I was a drinker. I cared less about taking a pill. Then In 2015 my Mother passed away and I was left with insurance money.. (That was the start) I started to use oxy for recreational use but really to cover the pain I was dealing with, after about 10 thousand dollars I decided I should quit and guess what!? .. I couldn't! I had no idea about withdrawals until that day and couldn't stop moving my legs when I laid down and tried to sleep. So eventually it became a Battle. I was using just to keep the withdrawals away. And this carried on until April of this year when I was given the opportunity to move and I jumped on it. I wasn't able to get hold of oxy so I endured and I eventually got over it. I went 3 months clean until I moved back to my home city where it was so easy to get a hold of it. I thought, I'll just take it once! WRONG, here I am today and I'm back full fled into addiction with no light at the end of the tunnel.. I've dealt with a LOT of major losses in a very short period of time and now I'm afraid of myself. I don't feel like I care to get off of these things but I want to, just not bad enough. And all my friends use, my dealer always calls my phone. I make pretty good money and I literally have nothing because of how much I spend on this habit. I want help. I just want this to be over with. I'm tired but I don't see an out. My uncle was an addict his entire life until he died and I do not want to live like that. I hate this addiction. I desperately want to be FREE. but as I see it, the only way I can conquer this is if I so desperately want be clean that I just don't desire them anymore. But because of this addiction, I've lost everything and I am ashamed, broken, and I don't like my life so I constantly want to take pills to feel better about life itself. I don't have children, my spouse left me so I don't have much of anything that drives me. I'm in a very hopeless situation. I pray, but, I'm still here. I take between 30-80mg a day on average. Sleep is my true best friend, the only time I can get away for a while. If anybody has any True advise, I don't want to hear any false encouragement. I want to hear what's real. I really get motivated my success stories. I'm just beyond words exhausted. My everyday strive is for a pill and I want out! I wanna be free. I can't remember that feeling and it's hard to see it in my future.
    Thank you for listening. I appreciate any input! -Loyalty
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  2. #2
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey loyalty. Welcome to the forum. Here you will find a bunch of non judgemental advice from a great bunch of addicts. I was on 240-300 mg/day of oxy for 2 years ish. Moved away and got on suboxone for 5 long years. I though it was a miracle drug, until I found out about the w/d of subs. They take a long time. But with this site and these amazing people today I am 3 months clean! It can be done. But you are absolutely right that you have to want this more than anything else in the world. It's not gonna be a cake walk by any means, and it will be uncomfortable. W/D are never fun, but you can do this. It's a tough situation you're in with all your friends actively using. You're gonna have to make it clear to them that this is the new you, and if they can respect that great. But you need to be prepared that some of these relationships won't work out. I had a partner in crime that I did everything with, we were inseparable, best friends and we used together every day. When I told him I was done he was angry and told me I was abandoning him, blah, blah, blah. To this day we haven't spoken. It hurts, but my sobriety is important and I knew if I was around him I would use again. We just had that effect on each other.

    We can definately help you get clean. It's gonna be a rollercoaster for sure. A grueling, terrible, rewarding rollercoaster. I can tell you for a fact that being clean is waaayyyyyy better!!!!! The pills lie. Read others threads on here, post as much as you want/need to. It really helps! Drop us a line and let us know what your plans are moving forward. I'm sure other members will stop by and give you more support. Weekends can be a little slow around here. Usually picking back up on Sunday night. So hang in there it only gets better.

    Again welcome to the forum!!!

    Beef

  3. #3
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello loyalty welcome to the forum. We all here to Share our experience strength and hope with you. But honestly you have to really want this for yourself more than anything in the world. You have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I sure was. One is to many thousand never enough. We always want more some of us that are lucky enough to make it here lost everything family friends homes jobs the cycle of Addiction it's an awful diease. So encouragement yes it's possible to get and stay clean you have to want it. Let us know your thoughts moving forward we are all here to support you.
    Again welcome..
    ***Stay Strong for Today***

  4. #4
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Hello Loyalty and welcome to this awesome place!!!

    I, too, was addicted to more than the pills. The misery was something I felt I deserved for some reason. I guess it was something constant in a world gone crazy.

    Well, all that is hogwash!! Part of the disease of addiction is to make you think you WaNT the pills. Your brain will tell you anything to keep using them.

    You don't really want to take pills and keep living this way. Trust me when I tell you nobody wants that life. There is a wonderful place just beyond the no man's land between using and being clean. A place where the sun replaces the dark. I am only 36 days clean and I was using something close to your dose of Norco for 5 yrs every day until a month ago. A similar thing from what I see.

    Now, I can handle the crud that life throws at me so much easier. It's a mental cataclysmic battle to get here......bottom line. You can do it if I could believe me. It ain't no cake walk. You have to want it really bad. Maybe more than anything you've ever wanted. But if any of this sounds good to you, you just let us know!!! We will all help you. It makes all the difference in the world to come here to this safe and judgement free place and get it all out!!

    IF is a little word with huge meaning. IF you want to do this, get free of active using, just keep coming back here and let us know. We know how to help you. Everyone's battle is a big mean monster to them and we have seen a lot of it!!!!

    There are some tough, caring, smart, and truly loving people around here!!!! All of them glad you found this place.

    Strength and power to you my friend.

    Forceout

  5. #5
    Loyalty is offline New Member
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    I appreciate ALL of you guys answers. I am happy to hear that you all had the power to defeat this monster. I really do want to get off these things. The actual Habit alone of not taking a pill everyday is hard to break. I have a few questions as far as Suboxone, I hear a lot about it being a lot Worst than oxy if abused or done wrong or for a long period of time. But I've also heard that it works wonders if done precisely correctly. I am not insured and wanted to know if I should look into getting insured if I was thinking about taking that route. And the pros and cons of taking Suboxone. I have to do something. I can't keep spending every dollar I get to my name on oxy. I am not myself and I have no clue how I am able to survive. I have no support system I'm doing this all by myself. I believe if I'm able to stay away from oxy and actually gain something from it like get back on my feet I will gain the Motivation to keep going. The anxiety is the worst part of withdrawal to me. I hate it. If you guys can give me as much information on Suboxone as possible that I need to know I will greatly appreciate it. Right now, trying to jump cold turkey seems like a stretch and Everytime I try to taper down to 20-25mg so I can jump something ALWAYS comes up. Somebody will give me a lot or I'll find a deal. I called the rehab center and they told me I needed 5k. I don't know if they know what addiction means but they need to learn that it's not cheap, I lost all of money to it. So any info would help. Thank you guys again so much for responding. I know I will conquer this demon, I just have to go thru it.

  6. #6
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Hello Loyalty,

    The weekends can be a little hit and miss around here. I guess people get bogged down with things they have to do when not working or for the ones that keep this place close, there's always someone looking over their shoulders. Anyway, I'm here to visit a little.

    First of all, I don't have experience with subs. I do know about tapering hydrocodone from 40 mg per day. I was on that dose for 5 yrs and never hardly missed a pill for that entire time. The doctors made sure of that!!

    I had to stop. For me. The merry go round was ruling my life and I was forgettywho I really was. I just almost lost myself completely before I said enough is enough is enough.

    And yes, tapering was a very hard thing but it was the only way for me to get it done and not miss Work. I'm an engineer and oversee a lot of other people etc. so I just did it. Looking back, I would rather just get sick for a few days and then start to heal. It's like saying "I'm going to have the flu". Kinda strange to just voluntarily submit to something like getting the flu but that is what I would do if I could do it over. Especially from your dose. Most people I've seen advise on here say that subs are a last resort and the wds are still there waiting once you get on them.

    I know it's tough, I just went through 5 weeks of taper and then jump. But there is no magic in this deal. It will be uncomfortable but OMG, look what you get back for a week of discomfort.......a life without ever worrying about that garbage and hassle and the money thing......

    Just my 2 cents. I have found throughout life that the dread of something like this is (jumping) is 10 times worse than the actual thing.

    I know one thing for sure. This deal is way easier when you have this forum. We will all be here with you whatever you decide. Most important is that you get this done. Please keep coming here. This is not some bs dream. You CAN do this. We can help you.

    Forceout

  7. #7
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Loyalty View Post
    I appreciate ALL of you guys answers. I am happy to hear that you all had the power to defeat this monster. I really do want to get off these things. The actual Habit alone of not taking a pill everyday is hard to break. I have a few questions as far as Suboxone, I hear a lot about it being a lot Worst than oxy if abused or done wrong or for a long period of time. But I've also heard that it works wonders if done precisely correctly. I am not insured and wanted to know if I should look into getting insured if I was thinking about taking that route. And the pros and cons of taking Suboxone. I have to do something. I can't keep spending every dollar I get to my name on oxy. I am not myself and I have no clue how I am able to survive. I have no support system I'm doing this all by myself. I believe if I'm able to stay away from oxy and actually gain something from it like get back on my feet I will gain the Motivation to keep going. The anxiety is the worst part of withdrawal to me. I hate it. If you guys can give me as much information on Suboxone as possible that I need to know I will greatly appreciate it. Right now, trying to jump cold turkey seems like a stretch and Everytime I try to taper down to 20-25mg so I can jump something ALWAYS comes up. Somebody will give me a lot or I'll find a deal. I called the rehab center and they told me I needed 5k. I don't know if they know what addiction means but they need to learn that it's not cheap, I lost all of money to it. So any info would help. Thank you guys again so much for responding. I know I will conquer this demon, I just have to go thru it.

    Hello Loyalty, Welcome to the forum!

    I was addicted and taking every drug you can possibly name for about 18 years. Tried to quit so many times and relapsed over and over and over. But I never stopped trying. After I hit rock bottom, and lost everything I owned and loved (and I mean everything), I finally knew I had no choice but to stop the madness. I began going to NA and AA meetings. I had been taking Methadone for years and my doses were over 200mgs daily of that garbage. Being on Methadone was horrible. I eventually made the switch to Suboxone. I had researched it first, reading every bit of material I could find on it, and also read every thread and post here that spoke of subs, and especially the threads and posts of Robert325, who wrote the sub plan most everyone uses these days. It has prodced thousands of success stories. I'll have 4 years clean in July. So you definitely can do this too if I have done it.

    About the Suboxone. It should be the very LAST choice made when wanting to be clean. Try every other method first several times if you have to before even considering the sub route. Suboxone os a powerful opiate with a very long half life. It's NOT a magic cure all for addiction, and it's not a wonder drug either. It's just a tool to help fight addiction and eliminate wd's.

    Tapering full agonist opiates like Oxy, Percs, Vicodin and the likes is not an easy thing to do. Reason being is you're basically in wd's the entire time you're lowering your dose. And you have pills available for when things get rough during the taper you can easily take extra and you've blown the taper. You have to be very determined and use all the willpower you have to successfully taper opiates. Cold turkey on theo ther hand isn't so difficult. You're clean the next day. You'll have symptoms for about a week, with days 2-4 usually being the worst. But you really have to want it to be successful. Try tapering, and try CT multiple times before you decide to use Suboxone.

    If you do decide to go the sub route then PLEASE use the Suboxone correctly. If you induct on the lowest possible dose, remain on the subs just long enough to deter your addictive actions, then taper off and down to at least .25mg, you'll have a very positive experience on the subs. But if you take a large amount like most sub doctors advise (8mg - 24mg or higher), remain on the subs for years, taper incorrectly, or jump from too high of a dose you'll most likely become another horror story and have problems the entire time you're on the subs. Here's the link below to Robert's sub therpy plan....

    http://www.drugs.com/forum/suboxone-...apy-66109.html

    Read over the info carefully. It explains exactly how we advise and make suggestions to you while you're on the subs. This plan takes about 6-8 weeks from induction to the final jump. That's about the right time frame for most everyone, but there can be exceptions.

    Think about using the Suboxone very, very carefully. I would like to see you give tapering, or jumping CT first before you consider using the subs. If you feel Suboxone is right for you I would be more than happy to help you with the induction and the taper process. Just let me know.

    Hope this info helps. Take care and I'll check on you later.

    Randy

  8. #8
    Loyalty is offline New Member
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    Thanks Randy and Forceout for y'all replies. Here's where I'm at. I dosed today 40mg this morning and another 30 a few hours ago. I'm deciding to jump tomorrow. Well today being that its 3:30 in the morning. I am very confident right now due to me really getting closer to God right now. I know I'm not in for a cake walk but one thing I have learned is that the anticipation of going thru withdrawal is worse than actually going thru it. My predicament right now sucks do to me being unable to change my circumstances and being somewhere I don't like but I'm keeping my head focused and trying my BEST to not feel so anxious about doing this. I am a child of God, and I've been here before with similar situations. In 2014 new years going into 2015 I was an alcoholic. I told myself I wasn't going to drink that night. That led to me being VERY resistant and almost brought me to tears because I had to leave my families event because I was being tempted. I eventually got to 12 o clock without a drink and I decided I to take a drink because I made it past 12 without drinking. I opened my drink took 1 sip and poured it down the sink and I haven't had the desire to drink since.
    James 4:7 - "Submit yourselves therefore God, resist the devil and he will flee from you"
    That is what happened that night. And now here it is 3 years later and I'm dealing with another yet more powerful addiction (to me) but same boat. I haven't been able to resist taking these pills ever since I became addicted in September 2015. I don't want this life anymore. It has made me do some unbelievable things that I am ashamed of. I know resisting will be probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life given they are so easy to get here. But I have to conquer that way. I've tried moving away to where I had no choice but to stop because they weren't available but as soon as I came back I went straight back to them. The only way for me is thru the fire. I have to do this. They've ruined my life enough. Crazy thing is I have to also break the habit. I don't know what else to focus on besides pills everyday. So I picked up the Bible and read that, and I'm putting my faith there. I know these next couple days will be outrageous due to temptation. I will probably have some body offer them to me for free. That's how it usually happens when I try to quit. But I'm gripping on Hard to God. I realized how far away I've strayed from Him and I want to return. I work for myself and the level of destruction that these pills have put on my work is crazy. I can't work without them, or I'm working for them. I uses to be filled with passion and addiction has robbed me of that.
    Here is my day one. I am trying not to be so terrified but truth is I am terrified to fail right now. But I am going to walk into this with my head high. I am going to sign up for some boxing classes as soon as possible so I can get my dopamine flowing and give me something to do in recovery. Please you guys, Pray for me! I need it right now.
    Thank you- Loyalty
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  9. #9
    Autumnhopes is offline Member
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    You can do it!! I'm also struggling,, been struggling for a long time relapsing haven't really had much time clean at all been back-and-forth with different medications....I know I'm pretty determined because of myself because of this forum because of my own life that I need to be clean and sober completely it's gonna be hard but we can do it!!!

    I'll be checking your thread & rooting all the way for you loyalty!
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  10. #10
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Loyalty View Post
    Thanks Randy and Forceout for y'all replies. Here's where I'm at. I dosed today 40mg this morning and another 30 a few hours ago. I'm deciding to jump tomorrow. Well today being that its 3:30 in the morning. I am very confident right now due to me really getting closer to God right now. I know I'm not in for a cake walk but one thing I have learned is that the anticipation of going thru withdrawal is worse than actually going thru it. My predicament right now sucks do to me being unable to change my circumstances and being somewhere I don't like but I'm keeping my head focused and trying my BEST to not feel so anxious about doing this. I am a child of God, and I've been here before with similar situations. In 2014 new years going into 2015 I was an alcoholic. I told myself I wasn't going to drink that night. That led to me being VERY resistant and almost brought me to tears because I had to leave my families event because I was being tempted. I eventually got to 12 o clock without a drink and I decided I to take a drink because I made it past 12 without drinking. I opened my drink took 1 sip and poured it down the sink and I haven't had the desire to drink since.
    James 4:7 - "Submit yourselves therefore God, resist the devil and he will flee from you"
    That is what happened that night. And now here it is 3 years later and I'm dealing with another yet more powerful addiction (to me) but same boat. I haven't been able to resist taking these pills ever since I became addicted in September 2015. I don't want this life anymore. It has made me do some unbelievable things that I am ashamed of. I know resisting will be probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life given they are so easy to get here. But I have to conquer that way. I've tried moving away to where I had no choice but to stop because they weren't available but as soon as I came back I went straight back to them. The only way for me is thru the fire. I have to do this. They've ruined my life enough. Crazy thing is I have to also break the habit. I don't know what else to focus on besides pills everyday. So I picked up the Bible and read that, and I'm putting my faith there. I know these next couple days will be outrageous due to temptation. I will probably have some body offer them to me for free. That's how it usually happens when I try to quit. But I'm gripping on Hard to God. I realized how far away I've strayed from Him and I want to return. I work for myself and the level of destruction that these pills have put on my work is crazy. I can't work without them, or I'm working for them. I uses to be filled with passion and addiction has robbed me of that.
    Here is my day one. I am trying not to be so terrified but truth is I am terrified to fail right now. But I am going to walk into this with my head high. I am going to sign up for some boxing classes as soon as possible so I can get my dopamine flowing and give me something to do in recovery. Please you guys, Pray for me! I need it right now.
    Thank you- Loyalty

    Hey Loyalty -

    It all boils down to just how bad you want it. If you're in a positive state of mind, use all the willpower you can muster up, and are determined to do this then it will happen. If you aren't already involved, I would highjly recommend you check out some NA or AA face to face meetings of support. You need someone to hold you accountable, those in the fellowship know best. Can't do this alone, nor should you want to try when there is such priceless help available. Only scary the first time you go. I hope you'll consider it.

    Congratulations on your jump. Freedom = Day 1 Clean!

    Randy
    Autumnhopes likes this.

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