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New Joke Thread
  1. #1
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Default New Joke Thread

    Hello Friends,

    After reading the many very Comical replies from Beef, Somo, Cat, Chief Che, Force, Lvg Nightmare, and any others I've missed, I thought it might be nice to have a "Joke Thread" so we can amuse ourselves and each other as we go through this nightmare of a disease called addiction. Anything that brings a smile to our faces has to be a good thing right? WARNING....we need to keep it CLEAN or I'm sure the mods will delete posts and perhaps the entire thread if it gets out of hand. So lets give this a try. I'll start off.....


    So these 2 guys are golfing and are as far away from the clubhouse as they can be when one of them tells the other that he has to go poop, and go real bad. The other fellow tells him to go behind a nearby bush. He says that's fine but I have nothing to wipe with he replies. His friend tells him to just use a dollar bill. He goes and does his business and onward they go when the other guy now says he has to go real bad. His buddy gives the same advice and away he goes to the nearest bush. After several minutes he comes back with poop on his hands, clothes, arms, and even some on his face. His friend asks him "what in the world happened, didn't you wipe"? The guy says "I sure did, but I didn't have a dollar so I used 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel"!!!

    Randy

  2. #2
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    OMGosh, Randy! LOLOLOL!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-17-2017 at 11:08 AM.
    Randy35 and Beefaroni7272 like this.
    .....Ryka-Leah

  3. #3
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Well done sir. Great idea!!! Are terrible jokes acceptable as well because I got plenty of those. Here we go.

    Two satellites decided to get married.
    The wedding wasn't much but the reception was a amazing!!!! :-)

  4. #4
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beefaroni7272 View Post
    Well done sir. Great idea!!! Are terrible jokes acceptable as well because I got plenty of those. Here we go.

    Two satellites decided to get married.
    The wedding wasn't much but the reception was a amazing!!!! :-)
    UGH! You surely have better than that!
    Leah987, Randy35 and Autumnhopes like this.

  5. #5
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy35 View Post
    Hello Friends,

    After reading the many very Comical replies from Beef, Somo, Cat, Chief Che, Force, Lvg Nightmare, and any others I've missed, I thought it might be nice to have a "Joke Thread" so we can amuse ourselves and each other as we go through this nightmare of a disease called addiction. Anything that brings a smile to our faces has to be a good thing right? WARNING....we need to keep it CLEAN or I'm sure the mods will delete posts and perhaps the entire thread if it gets out of hand. So lets give this a try. I'll start off.....


    So these 2 guys are golfing and are as far away from the clubhouse as they can be when one of them tells the other that he has to go poop, and go real bad. The other fellow tells him to go behind a nearby bush. He says that's fine but I have nothing to wipe with he replies. His friend tells him to just use a dollar bill. He goes and does his business and onward they go when the other guy now says he has to go real bad. His buddy gives the same advice and away he goes to the nearest bush. After several minutes he comes back with poop on his hands, clothes, arms, and even some on his face. His friend asks him "what in the world happened, didn't you wipe"? The guy says "I sure did, but I didn't have a dollar so I used 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel"!!!

    Randy
    Great idea, Randy. I have to think about this. I used to be able to rattle off jokes almost endlessly. It's been too long so I really have to think about it but I'll come up with something I'm sure.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Randy35 and Beefaroni7272 like this.

  6. #6
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Ok........

    A really old cowboy fella was walking across the plain one day and came face to face with a momma kangaroo. The momma kangaroo had a little baby kangaroo in her pouch and the cowboy said "that's a healthy lookin' little fella".

    The momma kangaroo reached out to the old cowboy, pulled the front of his pants out, looked down, and said "looks like yours is dead".........

  7. #7
    GoodDaysAhead is offline Member
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    If terrible ones are acceptable, then I'm in

    Two undies meet, one says to the other
    "Hey, have you been on holiday?
    You got so nice and brown!"

    And Beef, I got one for ya...

    What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?

    -

    A Golden Receiver

  8. #8
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    OMGosh! Now I have one to tell the hubby! lol!
    Randy35 likes this.
    .....Ryka-Leah

  9. #9
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    UGH! You surely have better than that!
    Admit it, you chuckled a little bit.

    Here's one for you force.

    Parallel lines have so much in common........It's a real shame they'll never meet.
    Randy35 and DravenDomnq like this.

  10. #10
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Funny stuff guys!!

    Two addicts are mumbling to themselves in an alley after a long night abusing drugs. One of them sees a dog licking himself. He says to his friend "Sure wish I could do that". The other one says " You better pet him first".

    Randy

  11. #11
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    A hispanic magician is on stage performing and for his final trick he says he will vanish on the count of 3.

    Uno, dos, *poof* and he vanishes without a tres........
    Leah987, Randy35 and DravenDomnq like this.

  12. #12
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    Force, Froggy, and Somo set off on foot, on a long journey across a relentless desert. They were each allowed to take ONE item with them. Force sets off carrying a loaf of bread. Froggy sets off carrying a gallon of water. Somo struggled along under the weight of a car door. A few hours into the journey, Force said "When I get hungry, I will eat my bread." Froggy replied," When I get thirsty, I will drink my water." Somo, very pleased with his choice, said, "When it gets too hot here, I'm going to roll the window down!"
    .....Ryka-Leah

  13. #13
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beefaroni7272 View Post
    A hispanic magician is on stage performing and for his final trick he says he will vanish on the count of 3.

    Uno, dos, *poof* and he vanishes without a tres........
    Beef! lol!
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.
    .....Ryka-Leah

  14. #14
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    OMG Randy...just went I thought you couldn't possibly give more here.

    You Rock my friend... what an awesome idea...

    ty...
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    ***Stay Strong for Today***

  15. #15
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Why are people in recovery not good dancers

    They lose interest after 12 steps
    ***Stay Strong for Today***

  16. #16
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lvg nghtmare View Post
    Why are people in recovery not good dancers

    They lose interest after 12 steps

    Hahahaha.....Did you just make that up?

    Good one Lvg!!

    Randy

  17. #17
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Oh Randy, stick around awhile you have no idea what you created...
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    ***Stay Strong for Today***

  18. #18
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

    The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. "I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".

    The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

    The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?

  19. #19
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Hilarious Cat. I'll use that one before the night is over!!
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  20. #20
    GoodDaysAhead is offline Member
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    Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for doing drugs. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 155 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "155 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," I drew two circles like this o O, then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a-whole before prison... '"

  21. #21
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    So I was sitting in a bar the other night when two large ladies came in and were speaking in a very interesting accent.

    So I said "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

    One of them snarled at me and said "It's Wales you idiot!!"

    So I promptly corrected myself. "I apologise. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

    Next thing I remember is waking up with a splitting headache.

  22. #22
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    That's awful GoodDaysAhead...
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  23. #23
    GoodDaysAhead is offline Member
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    awww, come on Lvg....we're all here struggling with the same thing. You didn't laugh....even a bit? (can hear Lvg laughing, even though she doesn't want to admit it)

    Hands Lvg her hat
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  24. #24
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Not one bit awful...
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  25. #25
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by GoodDaysAhead View Post
    awww, come on Lvg....we're all here struggling with the same thing. You didn't laugh....even a bit? (can hear Lvg laughing, even though she doesn't want to admit it)

    Hands Lvg her hat
    I laughed, quite a bit actually!! Maybe I just got a messed up sense of humor.
    *Picks up somo, and Ryka/Leahs hats and hands them back to them*

    Beef

  26. #26
    GoodDaysAhead is offline Member
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    Lvg, I think your spellcheck is on the fritz...I think you meant awfully good

    Okay, okay, here is a more PG one for you....

    There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

    His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!"

    Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

    She said: "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

    He replied: "The drugs are wearing off!"

  27. #27
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Ok laughed at that one..

    Beef your fired as my backup.lol...
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.
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  28. #28
    Leah987 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lvg nghtmare View Post
    Not one bit awful...
    It's a little too much truth in there for it to be funny, isn't it, Lvg?
    .....Ryka-Leah

  29. #29
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Ryka Whatz up girl...

    Ughhh men....
    Leah987 likes this.
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  30. #30
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Ryka, I hope you have fun with your family..you deserve it my friend..
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