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New & Scared. JW how everyone else made it.
  1. #1
    SickOfAllOfThis is offline New Member
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    Default New & Scared. JW how everyone else made it.

    I found this site about two years ago. Every time i tried to quit i always read all the advice that was given. Even though i thought i was serious about quitting i never wanted to join. It always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I don't know what I'm expecting by joining finally. It just felt right finally after all this time.. I know that sounds weird.
    But since the beginning of this year, 2012, I have been really trying to quit. It's crazy to realize that I have been seriously having the same conversations with myself for the last 10 months now. It wasnt until really the past couple months though that I have really really made an effort to quit.
    All through high school I partied and drank and did drugs but it wasn't until after I graduated that I started doing oxy everyday. I did that for about two years and was spending an insane amount of money before I tried rehab. I was only there 12 days though. Someone ended up relapsing on the 4th of July and were able to stay there. It really messed my head up as well as many others in there. The place that was supposed to be "safe" wasn't truly safe. And the fact that people could be so deceiving really affected me.
    Things went downhill real fast though. When I left rehab that was right around the time they stopped making the oxy. So because of that I ended up switching to >>>>>>. But because I couldn't get any good good I started shooting it. To make things better, someone started slipping crystal meth into the shots. Because I was so new at it I didn't realize it until the third time. I told myself I would never ever do that stuff. After a couple months I wanted to quit and I had been hearing from a couple friends that had got clean that they just did a bunch of coke. And a couple others said that crystal meth speeds up withdrawals and you get through it faster.
    Fast forward another two years and now basically instead of stopping one, or both, I started smoking both of them everyday. I've managed to cut down a lot doing this but.. Basically for the first time in years I'm finally getting in a good mind state. I'm finally coming out of the depression. And I want to stop. I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions besides suboxen. I don't like taking it..it makes me feel weird. Or if anyone went through the same thing kinda and how they are doing now. Basically I've just been doing >>>>>> or opiates for so long I'm scared to get clean. I forgot what it's like and that's actually hella sad. I've gone the last 4-almost 5 years and still have not been able to get clean yet. The longest I've gone is the 12 days but I was on norcos n tramadol.
    I don't really have anyone in my life that I can talk to about this stuff. Especially anyone that would truly understand. My boyfriend says that I'm not really trying because if I actually wanted to stop I would. Idk.. Like I said I don't know what I'm expecting..just was curious to see what other people have gone through and to have someone tell me they know exactly what I'm going through and life truly does get better sober.

  2. #2
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    First of all, how much are you taking? Sure sounds like you are having a difficult time quitting by yourself. However, if you're committed there are two choices for you: suboxone and c/t. For the first, suboxone you want to go to featured drugs and look up the sub protocol Robert has written. The reason that you probably felt weird is that you were taking too high of a dose. For c/t look up the Thomas Recipe, just google it.

    There are many other people here who have gone through the same thing you are going through or have been there. Doesn't matter what or how much, it's the attitude you develop towards drugs: ADDICTION. It's in our brain chemistry to seek that high. It is a serious illness. Getting clean isn't the problem, it's committing to staying clean that is difficult. People here will help you, tell you what you need to know, but you also need to find help in your community. You need to perhaps try NA, CR or something of the sort. It's darn difficult to do this on your own, particularly when you are with others who are using. Getting clean is changing you whole life! If you want it, you can do it! Life truly does get better when you are sober, you just have to hang tough. Read around the forum and post.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  3. #3
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Dear Sick,

    Iloerose has said it well. The basic options for detoxing are either cold turkey (with the Thomas Recipe) or suboxone. But since you've been struggling so much - for so long - there is one other choice you may want to consider.

    Given that you are in a different frame of mind now, it may be beneficial for you to go in-patient for a while. It's what helped me the most. It puts us in a "safe" situation, where we are much less likely to pick up when the detox gets rough, and also provides us with medical supervision. With the mix of drugs you're using, the mood swings of early recovery can be a roller coaster. Professional help - medication and/or therapy - can be the difference between success and failure. Please think about it, and don't just discard it because last time didn't turn out right.

    One other comment, as I read through your story. Recovery is all about personal responsibility. The only way to succeed with long-term recovery is to totally surrender ALL the excuses or blame. Here's an example of what I mean. Yes, someone did relapse while you were in-patient, and that presented you with a challenge and a lot of feelings. But... what you did after that person relapsed is ALL on you. We have the choice of how we react to ANY situation. You made the decision to cave in to the mixed feelings and leave. Life is going to give us challenge after challenge - that's just life. Recovery is about maturing to find healthier ways to deal with those challenges, without turning to a drug.

    The 12 step programs (AA, NA, CR, etc.) provide you with the roadmap out of that old pattern. It is through actively working the steps that we learn the skills we need to cope with life clean and sober.

    You are fighting a complex, powerful, devious disease - that will trip you up and pull you back again and again. I "battled" it for years, in and out of recovery, never putting together any significant clean time - and wondered what I was doing wrong. I believed I was hopeless. When I was finally at the point that I knew that recovery was the ONLY option to change my life - I was able to accept the wisdom and advice of others who had succeeded before me. I stopped making excuses. I was the only person who could change my life. It's not easy, it's not simple - but I can PROMISE you that every ounce of effort is worth it.

    Please - don't shortchange yourself with mere "existance" over a life you're never known. I KNOW how terribly frightening it can be to even imagine life without a drug or drink. I was absolutely terrified. But... when the PAIN of the life I had, using drugs, got bad enough - the fear of the unknown (what life was like clean) lessened. It reached the point where I had nothing to lose, as I couldn't live that way any longer. Hon, my life BEGAN when the drugs stopped. You can have that, too. Promise.

    God bless,
    Ruth
    sosorry likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  4. #4
    SickOfAllOfThis is offline New Member
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    Thank you guys so much for taking the time to write. Things were getting better there for awhile and I felt like I was really going in the right direction. Somewhere along the way though, it's pretty obvious I took a wrong turn and began to see the patterns of what happened before when it was really bad. I had cut down from about 2 gs of the black to only about a .3 which was beautiful. That lasted only briefly though as things started to get hard, i used the drugs to cope. And now I'm back up to a g. The crystal, even though I smoke everyday, i never really got into it as I did with the blk so idk how much I'm really doing.
    Ruth, you make a good point when you say that taking responsibility is huge in recovery. It's been two years since I went to rehab and that happened. When it did I did infact blame my relapse on that one thing. But even though these have been the hardest two years of my entire existence, i have grown immensely as a person and come to realize a lot of things. I know that whatever I do, I do by choice. It was huge for me when I realized that I have to be the one to get myself out of this position. No one else can do it for me. My entire life I was used to having things already taken care of and if they weren't they would be. I waited for a long, long time waiting for my parents or someone to fix my life so I could be happy thinking if they loved me they would do it.
    It's funny to think of just how I used to think and when I tried to convince others I was clean. Because I know now that your entire thought process is completely different. I know I've grown a lot, but know I have a long way to go. I'm just really happy that even just by finally "officially" signing up for this site I know I'm going in the right direction. I know it seems really lame I could be excited from signing up for a website but it's just so nice to finally know that there are so ,any other people on here that I could hopefully talk to and have some support from.
    And sorry to make this so long. I just haven't talked to anyone really about any of this before. It's just nice to get this all out and to have someone else at the other end of it.

  5. #5
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    great , the sites really help , cuz we do understand ,were not alone, even if im just typing , im comunicating, n also i feel im excercising my brain. like reading, its my ,im exercising my brain.my self rationalzation is crazy like my name. but sik , were all fn sick of it all, i hope we can find soberity some dam day!

  6. #6
    Anonymous Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by SickOfAllOfThis View Post
    Thank you guys so much for taking the time to write. Things were getting better there for awhile and I felt like I was really going in the right direction. Somewhere along the way though, it's pretty obvious I took a wrong turn and began to see the patterns of what happened before when it was really bad. I had cut down from about 2 gs of the black to only about a .3 which was beautiful. That lasted only briefly though as things started to get hard, i used the drugs to cope. And now I'm back up to a g. The crystal, even though I smoke everyday, i never really got into it as I did with the blk so idk how much I'm really doing.
    Ruth, you make a good point when you say that taking responsibility is huge in recovery. It's been two years since I went to rehab and that happened. When it did I did infact blame my relapse on that one thing. But even though these have been the hardest two years of my entire existence, i have grown immensely as a person and come to realize a lot of things. I know that whatever I do, I do by choice. It was huge for me when I realized that I have to be the one to get myself out of this position. No one else can do it for me. My entire life I was used to having things already taken care of and if they weren't they would be. I waited for a long, long time waiting for my parents or someone to fix my life so I could be happy thinking if they loved me they would do it.
    It's funny to think of just how I used to think and when I tried to convince others I was clean. Because I know now that your entire thought process is completely different. I know I've grown a lot, but know I have a long way to go. I'm just really happy that even just by finally "officially" signing up for this site I know I'm going in the right direction. I know it seems really lame I could be excited from signing up for a website but it's just so nice to finally know that there are so ,any other people on here that I could hopefully talk to and have some support from.
    And sorry to make this so long. I just haven't talked to anyone really about any of this before. It's just nice to get this all out and to have someone else at the other end of it.
    hi karen / err i mean SickOfAllOfThis, ?

    hows things. have you looked into any therapy for this.... ? how many days clean have you had.... how did you get clean. ?

    anyway. just want you to know i recognise you, and well, like i said, you cant con a con...

    SickOfAllThis, i will know by your response who you really are. but its pretty obvious. if im wrong, i will stand up and say i am, but i have this feeling deep in my gut... and i should learn more to trust my guts,,,,

    kiwi.

  7. #7
    Anonymous Guest

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    oh, and i forgot to ask...

    what are you trying to stop.? how many migs ? how are you taking it. ?

    we need more details to try and help you... you say you take shots, and smoke crystal meth too.
    just what are you on, and how much, and we can work from there.
    winged eagle likes this.

  8. #8
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheekysod View Post
    hi karen / err i mean SickOfAllOfThis, ?

    hows things. have you looked into any therapy for this.... ? how many days clean have you had.... how did you get clean. ?

    anyway. just want you to know i recognise you, and well, like i said, you cant con a con...

    SickOfAllThis, i will know by your response who you really are. but its pretty obvious. if im wrong, i will stand up and say i am, but i have this feeling deep in my gut... and i should learn more to trust my guts,,,,

    kiwi.


    Oh geez, I hadn't even considered this... but time will tell. Thanks Cheeky.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  9. #9
    Anonymous Guest

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    no comment from this poster. ? hmmm i have a funny feeling im right.

  10. #10
    SickOfAllOfThis is offline New Member
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    Karen? Idk what you are talking about when you say you recognize a con? I'm assuming your thinking of someone that was basically well known if someone else commented on it.
    But no, I never did actually say I was able to get clean. Ive had a pretty rough couple weeks. It was funny cause I was stressing out over all this stuff and someone told me that if I was serious about it, all I had to do was walk away. There is just so much I'm trying to straighten out.. But finally it clicked in my head that every time I think.."well okay I just have to go down there one last time for this to have closure.." that really i was just helping repeat the cycle.
    Who were you guys talking about when you said the name Karen? Sounds like she doesn't have too good of a rep..

  11. #11
    SickOfAllOfThis is offline New Member
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    So today was better than yesterday. I kept wondering what I did cause I just felt like I had just no good karma coming my way. Just one thing after another. And then I log on here looking for support, advice, anything... And people left messages about being a con and all this other stuff. I'm just like jeeze..can I get just one good thing? Please? It's like everyone got together and decided on a day to just make my life miserable. Cause I have not one person right now for one reason or another. It just makes it so hard to get clean but here I am first day on subs. I want to get clean. I really do. I'm just so scared. But despite how scared I might be.. I can't do this anymore. I want to be happy. I haven't been happy in so long. I want to smile, and laugh, and move on with my life. I'm tired of all this negativity following me like a thundering,black cloud raining on my head constantly. I want something good to happen. I hope to god this all works out.

  12. #12
    Anonymous Guest

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    what dose are you on.?

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