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Questions and confused
  1. #1
    gvcg is offline New Member
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    Default Questions and confused

    I'm new to this...my gf of 5+yrs spring on me in October she was addicted to Tramadol. She didn't say the amount per day and o never asked didn't think too. I was shocked. She said she was detoxing on her own with no help die to cost etc. I urged her to see a doctor, which she did but wanted me to not attend it. She said the doctor prescribed her silenor for her sleeping. But she wouldn't talk about much more. If I asked in the weeks gong forward I got "I told you I would handle it and I did!" Not real airing but I really didn't know what to do or say but just be there if she needed me. But through it all we stayed fighting. She would say it was just her not us etc etc. OK so come January I just have that feeling that something is wrong and I did some checking. She's now talking to a new guy from out of state she met on a phone game and some old bf's. We go through the whole relationship issues, 1 minute she wants us next minute she doesnt. We were together for 5+ years, she helped raise my 4 kids and she calls them all her own and they call her mom. We have never fought, ever, seriously and I've done some stupid stuff. Now she's throwing that in my face, 3 years after but I again accept blame and take it. I did it and take it. But I ask her what she wants and she says she doesn't know. She is 1 minute about us the next not. I found out she was on tramadol mostly for 10+ years, some vicodine and I guess other pills along the way. She says she hasn't touched a pill since October/November, her dates change all the time. She used to be about us, we never were apart, now she's distant, wants space, will just get up and go upstairs and never say a word to me. She wants to be alone for hours everyday, this is not the women I fell in love with or raised my kids with. Is this typical of the detox, withdrawal or whatever? I'm trying to hang in here but from minute to minute I don't know what we are. She threatens to leave because she needs space yet she stays, says she hasn't loved me yet sleeps in our bed or won't let me touch her anymore in anyway. I'm just confused on is there anything I can do for her, do I ignore some of the things she says or are we really done? I'm just confused because her actions show relapse, but I really don't know. I read over everyone's threads just to help ease this heartache I have for not only her but for us. I'm proud of her if she's clean since Oct but I tell her that and she gets defensive but if I don't say anything and I'm a jerk. I guess any insight I can get would be great. She is the future mother of our kids and I'm trying to hold us together when I feel she's burning us down by her actions and words. Any help for this end would be great. And thank you

  2. #2
    gvcg is offline New Member
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    Sorry for some of the miss spellings or mistakes. I didn't catch them as I typed on my phone. Also I'm sleepy!

  3. #3
    gvcg is offline New Member
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    Or not I guess

  4. #4
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there. I'm sorry you haven't gotten a reply yet. These boards get pretty busy sometimes. I really feel for you. The fact that your gf is talking to other guys can't really be blamed on her new recovery (if she's even clean). I can imagine how heart-breaking this is for you, but you should really listen to your instincts on this one. If she's showing signs of relapse, perhaps it's time for a drug test. I know that sounds extreme, but people who aren't using wouldn't have any problem proving it. If she refuses or makes excuses, you've got your answer. As addicts, we will lie and manipulate to get what we want. We will turn things around and try to convince you it's "your fault". We'll make you feel guilty at every turn.

    I know you want nothing more than to have this relationship work out. But think of your children. How long can you go on like this, not knowing? I know you don't want to give up hope and that's admirable. Unfortunately, you can't fix her. If she's using, you're enabling that behavior by turning a blind eye. There are excellent programs for loved ones of addicts called NarAnon and AlAnon. You should check it out. It will help you to understand what you're dealing with and how to handle it. You'll meet people going through the same exact thing.

    I really do wish you the best.
    Kat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-18-2015 at 11:33 AM.
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  5. #5
    gvcg is offline New Member
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    Thank you and I appreciate the words. She says she has changed and so have I maybe due to stopping etc. She said she would take a test which I didn't ask for. I want her to be happy and most importantly us to be happy again. I can't under these circumstances and just don't know if I'm jumping ship or do I stand tall when maybe she needs me. When I speak to her she's all over as if she's confused and that's where I get confused. A week ago I was dead set on this is it, then she changed a bit towards me and I let that hope creep back in. But again thank you for pointing me in some directions! I really do appreciate it

  6. #6
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey there gvcg - I second Kat's comments to you. She usually nails it and this time is no exception.

    When your GF gets so defensive when speaking about her using of the Tramadol it's a pretty clear sign that she's probably in deeper than it appears. I could be wrong of course, but I would be willing to bet I'm right. I'm a long time addict now in recovery. Just can't fool another addict no matter how hard you try.

    Kat mentioned Naranon and Alanon. Both are excellent sources of face to face support for you. You'll learn how not to enable her and understand what it is that drives her to do what she does. I urge you to take that scary first step and find a meeting near you asap. The others that may be present are in the same position you are searching for answers. That kind of support is priceless!

    I have nothing further to add to Kat's response so I'll wish you all the success in the world to get this figured out. You sound like a great person and I hope it all works out for you. Take care and poat all you want ranting, screaming, crying, etc. It really helps!

    -Randy
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  7. #7
    gvcg is offline New Member
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    Again thank you. It is tough being on this side but can only imagine what she goes through. She opens up here and there then shuts down all over again. I try and be here. This weekend she said no one was in her corner and I said I could have ran but I didn't, for you and for us. I'm in her corner but it's like she doesn't want me to be the 1 in her corner. It's just hard. I'm trying to stay strong and I read these and numerous sites trying to be better for her and to help me get through this. I want to be strong for her. When she finally opens up I know what to say, do or not to do and just listen. I'm trying and I'm hurt by her. But again I really appreciate the words. I'm beginning to think it's not just the drugs but a part of us too. So there is many layers. I'm trying to ease, work on or whatever I can on all areas I can. And all the while prove to her, I'm still in her corner, I'm still that guy and I still love her.

  8. #8
    justbeingme is offline Member
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    My loving an addict in active addiction is just as difficult as loving an addict in recovery. I actually thought that things would change immediately. Maybe the reason for things has changed, but it is still so heartbreaking. Aruguments used to be about the pills and related events. Now it seems to be so much more. Maybe other everyday events are to blame, but the end result is two broken people. Makes me question so much I'm really afraid I'm losing it. Actually have lost my patients, temper and sense of reason. Not sure if I can live with her or without her. Somehow now think of myself as a failure and no longer like myself. Maybe because I have done things I regret. Maybe she regrets the devastating, to our relationship, things she has done. Either way, it is all so painful. Will it get better? Where does it end?

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