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Ready to give this another try -- 3rd time the charm?
  1. #1
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Default Ready to give this another try -- 3rd time the charm?

    I have a few threads here on ddc, or have in the past. Have been around these forums since April 2013, an active poster for about a year, and then would come around every so often when I would either just want to check up on people I came to care about, or had relapsed.


    I was first prescribed opiates in 1998 after having my youngest child, had a C-section and that is what they gave me to come home with. Pretty sure I was given them with my older son too but I must have thrown them away because 1998 was the first time I remember taking them. Fell in love immediately - the baby was born in winter and I remember how cozy I felt, I would take a pill in the morning and get up and we'd sit in the rocking chair for hours, so relaxed. At the time I had no idea that sense of "wellness" or euphoria was from a pill - it took me a few times of getting it over the years to realize, hey these pills make me feel pretty great. I would get them for a dental procedure or once I had a kidney stone, etc. - you get the idea - infrequent use, but always took the full bottle instead of tossing them after the pain for whatever they were prescribed for went away. I was married to my HS sweetheart (after being married to someone else first! long story for another day!) - this was a long-standing, completely ridiculously dysfunctional relationship that went on from when I was 14 to when he died in 2010 - he was 50 and I was 47, in other words, a long time. We have 2 children together. I started using Percocet around that time. His death was sudden and after much strife between the two of us, I had filed for divorce and he was calling me telling me no way would he ever give me a divorce - so much ugliness. He was an addict, much worse than I was or have ever been (yes I know an addict is an addict, but there are degrees, and he was off the charts by 2010). His death, even though by the time he died I was so completely disgusted with him, sent me into a downward spiral that I don't think I have ever recovered from. Emotionally, I was broken. In comes the Percocet. I had a minor sports injury, doctor prescribed Percocet, and somehow I managed to convince him to give them to me for the next 3 years. Typing it out like that shocks me, to think a doctor would give me a 30 day supply of 10/650 3 x a day for 3 YEARS without having any real proof anything was wrong with me?! Like any good addict, I learned to be manipulative and I did lay it on thick how much pain I was in, etc. He felt sorry for me - he was a good doctor, a good man - this also being a time where doctors didn't know as much about pain meds.

    FF to 2013. At that point I knew I was addicted. I could no longer take them as prescribed and get the euphoria so I would take more, run out, withdrawl, you know the drill. Didn't really understand it at the time, to be honest. Googled flu symptoms and Percocet and found this forum. Read here a few months and realized I had to come off the drugs. Through the fellowship of people here, I managed to stay off for 2 years. Life kept rolling along, raising 2 kids by myself. I always had a difficult relationship with my parents - my father was an alcoholic who died years ago. My mother was a demanding and difficult woman and not exactly helpful when it came to raising kids. It was pretty much me and the 2 kids against the world. Stuff started happening, my step father got sick, then my mother got sick - had a dental procedure, got Percocet, and the game was back on. Fast forward to August 2016, my mother had just passed away the month before - I came home from burying her and on the phone is the doctor telling me he sees something on my xray and he's pretty sure I have thyroid cancer. Diagnosed in September, surgery in October. Thyroid was removed, no chemo/radiation needed as caught in early stages. Percs were prescribed after surgery and I quickly found a new doctor, one who I knew prescribed narcotics. I sought her out because I knew someone who went to her for legitimate pain (I had none, mind you! Just wanted to block the mental pain). Been getting pretty consistent prescriptions of Percocet 10/650 3 x day since then (never had a really large habit, but also never took exactly as prescribed either, usually running out a week or so early). She then told me at my last appointment that the jig was up - she isn't prescribing them anymore and if I needed to come off or taper I'd have to go to pain management. I decided enough was enough, and just C/T off them.

    I'm on Day 7 today. For me, after consistent use, the withdraw lasts a minimum of 3 weeks. The first 5 days are really not so bad for me (yes, I am the oddball!) - I mean it's not fun running to the bathroom every second and feeling like you want to jump out of your skin! But I can lay in bed and sleep off and on. The mental part that comes after, along with the lack of sleep and lack of energy, is what humbles me and brings me to my knees. I'm there today. I have to go to work today, I'm so utterly exhausted and feel like my brain is fired. I have a crazy busy week too. I know it's part of the process. These are the days we need to remember. I decided to journal again. Maybe just maybe the next time I think I'll use, I will come back to this thread. Hope to journal in more detailed and constructive manner - forgive me for rambling, this is just how my brain is working right now. Thanks for listening and for the encouragement I've received so far.
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  2. #2
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Day 7 again

    It doesn't help that I am also sick .. have had a nasty case of bronchitis for 3 weeks .. it's run through my house and now it's my turn. Sitting here at work looking and feeling like death warmed over but at least I'm here. Decided I have to start concentrating on turning negatives into positives. Yes I'm sick. Yes I am in withdrawal. Yes I came to work without any makeup and my hair pulled back in a headband (scary!). But the upside is I did make it in. I'm one half a day closer to releasing myself from the chains the pills have put on me.

    Also grateful for hot tea today ! Hot tea with honey. Helping me get the junk up and out and seems to have a calming effect on me. For some reason withdrawing from opiates always makes me hate coffee, when ordinarily I drink it every morning. Can't stand the smell or taste when in opiate withdrawal and also it makes me jittery. So happy to have my herbal tea with honey.

    Brought my sneakers w me to work and going to go for a walk today. Another positive .. quitting opiates will help
    Me concentrate on getting fit again.
    I've been a slug since my relapse in 2015. Fell upon some medical paperwork from 2009 the other day, the year before my love affair w opiates started and I was a little little less than 50 pounds less than what I weigh today. That woke me up a little bit. When I start feeling awful today I am going to remind myself of the positives I know will come from clearing my head and body of these devil pills.

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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Welllllll I made it through the day. Wasn't so bad, save for the nasty cough. Came right home to my bed and of course sleep is nowhere to be found. How can the body be so utterly exhausted but unable to sleep? I wish I understood the science of it.

    Anyway, almost another day under the books. I'm just going to sit here and reply to myself day after day if necessary. I want a transcript of my whining to use for future use.

  4. #4
    ChiefChe is offline Member
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    Blondie ❤️

    Welcome back & congratulations on making it to round 3!

    I've been thinking about you nonstop since your response. I read your new thread first thing this morning & have tried countless times to respond but can not find the words. I have a flood of emotions & I have processing nonstop. I even started to drift into my old ways of wanting to run & hide. Thankfully pills are not an option, so I'm just stuck here with Me, Myself, & I. What to do now? I turned it inward & started searching for that silver lining. Guess what I found???

    Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained Angels without knowing it. (Insert silver lining here).

    I read your post again & it all fell into place for me. Our paths were meant to cross- for whatever reason- we are both here. Your post was a big 'ole mirror for me & I am forever grateful. This forum has allowed me to drop all the dead weight I carry daily & allows my soul to run free! Amen! You don't physically know you nor you I. For all I know you could be my future self sending me a message from the future. Or you could be that one lady I always noticed out on my smoke breaks that I never talked to but always wanted to. Whatever the case here we are.

    So back to the silver lining. We've all heard it a million times- it's not the "if" it happens it's "when" it happens. So simple but obviously still a FEAR I'm having in this process.

    You're story hit home for me. I live a parallel life from an alcoholic father & choice in partners. Even down to the dental procedures & an advanced matural age pregnancy.

    You've read my thread so you see I'm going an alternate route & trying to be my own therapist. I will say therapy is where it's at. My point is this: my first hurdle after saying goodbye to my lover Mr. Oxy was to face myself. I went back to the little girl & released her from the chains & showed her what I've been living & that she can by proud b/c we made it. After reading your story I can tell me future self that there is no reason to FEAR the "when" it happens any longer. The mirror showed me a glimpse of my future self & even if life gets you down tapping out is not the option.

    You are 1 badazz lady that I admire (with only the few exchanges we've had) what you are doing. Life throws a lot of curve balls in life & more often than not they hit us when we're not looking.

    Future self (lol) mad respect for getting back up, brushing off your shoulders, straightening your crown & bucking back up for round 3!

    I'm sending all the Luv & Light I can muster to you.

    1Luv,

    ~CC

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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Awww CC! OMG I am crying. I swear I read your post last night and said, that girl is ME!! So glad you felt it too. Yup, we were meant to meet each other. I quit smoking a bunch of years ago but still like the smell of a freshly lit one so I'll go smoke with you anytime baby.

    How are you doing today? Been waiting to see an update from you. I'm right there with you on the self diagnosis. I know that I have no other choice but to face myself. I can manipulate a therapist, but I can't manipulate myself.
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  6. #6
    ChiefChe is offline Member
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    Goosebumps- I am so thankful to hear that I will finally be able to give up the smokes. That's the next band aid that needs ripped off. I'm in the early planning stages with that now. Leaning towards switching to a vape then tapering- lol tapering obviously not one of my strengths.

    I'm still fighting the fight. I've been a mix of emtions all day. I'm straight up empath. I'm not running & hiding from it any longer. I just wish that term was coined when I was younger b/c it explains a lot. After numbing it over 3 years & simply not knowing or identifying with it I think I am in a state of emotional overload. I still have difficulty determining if it's my energy causing the pit in my stomach or if it is the energy on the way to me. Still a work in process. It's either this or I'm peri menopausal- lol! Whatever it is I'll take it over anyday using! Hands down- no brianer!

    Congrats of 7 days & more importantly not tapping out! It's time to start really living & finding that thing that happy people have that we always wanted but never thought we deserved! We deserve to be happy & we both know it starts & ends with US!

    Now or Never,

    ~CC
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  7. #7
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ChiefChe View Post
    Goosebumps- I am so thankful to hear that I will finally be able to give up the smokes. That's the next band aid that needs ripped off. I'm in the early planning stages with that now. Leaning towards switching to a vape then tapering- lol tapering obviously not one of my strengths.

    I'm still fighting the fight. I've been a mix of emtions all day. I'm straight up empath. I'm not running & hiding from it any longer. I just wish that term was coined when I was younger b/c it explains a lot. After numbing it over 3 years & simply not knowing or identifying with it I think I am in a state of emotional overload. I still have difficulty determining if it's my energy causing the pit in my stomach or if it is the energy on the way to me. Still a work in process. It's either this or I'm peri menopausal- lol! Whatever it is I'll take it over anyday using! Hands down- no brianer!

    Congrats of 7 days & more importantly not tapping out! It's time to start really living & finding that thing that happy people have that we always wanted but never thought we deserved! We deserve to be happy & we both know it starts & ends with US!

    Now or Never,

    ~CC
    What that is, Baby Girl Me, is what I like to describe as "Technicolor". Are you a person who is black/white, or are you Technicolor? I'm just going to go out on a limb and say I think you probably are the latter. So am I. We live life boldly, emotionally, out in the open, our hearts on our sleeves. When you go numbing a person like that, when the brain reawakens, it's off the charts. All that emotion and deep thought numbed for x number of years, and then we stop the numbing, the lid flies open and all bets are off. I know that pit in your stomach very well. It's a hard part of recovery for me, knowing when and how to reign it in.

    There used to be a guy here named Reid, a very great person who changed my life. He used to tell me all the time in early recovery that I needed to slow it down. I needed to be reminded of that. My mind was flying the first time I found myself in recovery - just trying to act on every emotion, change every wrong I've ever made, make amends with people, quit other bad habits. And he would swoop in and remind me that this is not an overnight process. One minute at a time. We can't change everything all at once. So forget about the smokes for now, when you are ready, it will come.

    I'm trying to channel one thing every day, something I want / need to change in order to move forward. I've been concentrating on being accountable. I did something yesterday I thought I would never do, I confided in my older son about what I am going through. I called a friend and didn't really get what I needed as far as someone to listen and confide in, so I told the person I know has my back no matter what. Not surprisingly, my son was very understanding. I raised that boy (both boys) to love deeply and not judge - I have many faults but mothering ain't one of them! . He's no real stranger to addiction, since his father was also an addict. He just told me he loved me and that he would always look after me. A few hours later he came in and reminded me that he gave me a play to read once, called Water by the Spoonful - he gave it to me several years ago but I had forgotten about it. He said he thought I should read it. I picked it up - it's 90 pages - and read it. The play is set in an internet chat room, with recovering addicts. To say it blew my mind is an understatement. I'd recommend it to all of us here.

    Just got back from my walk. I'm still hacking green stuff but have so much energy (and pit in my stomach!!) I knew I had to walk. Saw a bunch of cute little kids, one little kid and I held an entire conversation with him speaking Spanish and me English. Listened to some good music. Love having a playlist in recovery. Came across a song I listened to the first go around, it just popped up on my playlist - Lauryn Hill's I Gotta Find Peace of Mind. Listened to it for a minute and decided that is no longer my song, hit the next button and came up on this fun song that fits me today. It's called Completely Not Me by Jenny Lewis. Love the lyrics:

    I could have died that night
    Way back in June
    Saw my soul hanging heavy above the room
    Slack jawed I confessed
    Bit by my hubris
    I was spooked out obsessed by the moon
    I was completely not me
    But baby I'm coming clean

    Those words spoke to me today! Music is such a great healer.

    That's it for now. Prolly will be up all dang night so expect I'll be back.

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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Ugh 415 am and been up with restless legs for an hour. What a cruel lie the opiates are. Guess I am done with sleep for the day since I have to go to work in a couple of hours. Ah well made it to Day 8.
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  9. #9
    ChiefChe is offline Member
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    Cheers to Day 8 "Ching Ching" lulz! I found Water by the spoonful. Started watching but need to seriously unplug & get myself to sleep. It's definitely a must see for sure. I saw my character right off the bat.

    I still struggle with this sleep thing a bit. Had a whirlwind day, followed up with homework then my crazy azz stopped by Somo's thread for an after party. I'll be hurtin for sure in about an hour when the house wakes up for the day.

    Wishing u sweet dreams & peaceful legs,

    ~CC
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    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Good Morning Blondie,

    I see you had another tough night. The legs, the legs. Glad you're doing the heating pad thing. They do help just a little bit and we'll take whatever small relief we can get. Day 8, eh? Not too shabby and I hope that the physical ugliness settles down soon for you. Not being able to sleep is hard enough but not being able to just be still is enough to drive one nuts.

    Hope you manage the day well at work. What are you gonna do, right? I remember just how hard it is to get motivated in the morning to get out the door when what I really wanted to do was to crawl back into bed and either hope to fall asleep or at least just become a vegetable and Netflix it for the day. Once I was out the door, I usually felt better for it and I knew it but still I had to kick myself in the azz to just get it together. One of the problems though was that I just couldn't play that tape through in advance to be reminded that at that point I almost always felt better getting out and getting on with it. It made the day pass quicker and gave me another series of fake it til you make it moments. Practice makes perfect you know.

    Hope to see you check in later.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  11. #11
    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Thanks CC and Cat

    Day 8 is royally sucking so far. Couldn't fall back to sleep, got up and went for a walk at like 5am. My body hurts so much this time around - not sure if it's just giving this another go relatively late in life? Or the fact that I also have bronchitis (not the ideal time to quit the one thing that made your body feel relaxed!). I'm going to the doctor at 130 today, hopefully she can tell me if this is something more serious or just a lingering case of the yuk. I'm starting to think that it's probably a combo of both - body worn down from withdrawal, combined with some sort of infection. Depending on what she says may find somewhere to get a massage - it's what I feel like I need right now.

    On an up side, I don't feel as antsy today, nor as manic. Just wore out. Not sure if I could sleep or not - I've got a conference call to tend to in a few minutes, then leaving for doctor, and hopefully from there its either massage, or Netflix and chill.

    Hoping for a better Day 9.
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    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by blondie50ish View Post
    Thanks CC and Cat

    Day 8 is royally sucking so far. Couldn't fall back to sleep, got up and went for a walk at like 5am. My body hurts so much this time around - not sure if it's just giving this another go relatively late in life? Or the fact that I also have bronchitis (not the ideal time to quit the one thing that made your body feel relaxed!). I'm going to the doctor at 130 today, hopefully she can tell me if this is something more serious or just a lingering case of the yuk. I'm starting to think that it's probably a combo of both - body worn down from withdrawal, combined with some sort of infection. Depending on what she says may find somewhere to get a massage - it's what I feel like I need right now.

    On an up side, I don't feel as antsy today, nor as manic. Just wore out. Not sure if I could sleep or not - I've got a conference call to tend to in a few minutes, then leaving for doctor, and hopefully from there its either massage, or Netflix and chill.

    Hoping for a better Day 9.
    A massage sounds awesome! Now you got me thinking about that for myself. It's another dreary day here and cool. Nothing much on my agenda since I'm been going to work only when I have necessary appointments. Otherwise, here I sit with my laptop on my lap and listening to the national news. (Stay away from the news channels while you're trying to get into a better mood.) A massage. Yeah. Me thinks that I just might make that call.

    Good luck at the doctors. I hope that an antibiotic is in order and that it'll fix you right up. I'm sure whatever is going on with you has been exacerbated by detox. I think that our resistance is compromised for a time and on top of that, every ache is magnified. Nature's way of dealing with discomfort is still on vacation so you're battling this with mere might. Not that I'm doubting that you're sick -- when we've got unidentified flying matter exploding from our lungs and/or nose, that's a pretty good indication that there's some kind of infection happening. Quite the picture I just painted, isn't it? lol Let me know how you fare.

    Peace,

    Cat
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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Back from doctor. She said ears and throat definitely infected. She doesn't think it's in my lungs but she sent me for chest xray just to be sure. In the meantime she gave me a very strong antibiotic and cough medicine, which I know has codeine in it. I so want to sleep without coughing, but I didn't fill it. I didn't throw it away either, but I didn't fill it. I was almost ready to fill it but thought about Cat with her broken back and just said what the heck, give the antibiotics a chance to kick in, if this is still going on in a couple of days I can reevaluate filling the cough medicine. I know FOR SURE I am so done with the opiates. I've no doubt it was my run up to withdrawal, where I was just taking them willy nilly because I knew I was going cold turkey, that led up to this. Was burning the candle at both ends - eating and drinking the wrong things in addiction to taking the pills - and now I'm sick. Gotta pay the piper I guess. Will check in later, going to try to sleep for the time being. Cat thanks for your advice and guidance. I hope you got that massage. Tomorrow is my birthday (yay! lol !) and I decided I'd rather go tomorrow when hopefully I'll be feeling a little better with some antibiotics.

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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    I've been crying most of the day. Oye. I really need to record this so I don't forget how difficult the withdrawal process is for me. I remember coming here in 2013 and people saying oh it's 3/4/5 days and then you are done. That wasn't the case for me then and it isn't now. They physical part, yes. But the physical part was never the hard part for me, it was basically just like having the flu - not fun, but manageable. It's the part that comes afterward - the depression, the mania - it's such a swinging pendulum! But I feel like my brain is already waking up.

    I've been watching Twin Peaks: The Return. I watched the original series when it aired back in 1990 and loved it, David Lynch is a big hero of mine. I started watching this new 2017 series under the influence of opiates, and honestly I was disappointed with it, even though the original series was one of my most favorite TV shows. Last night I watched a couple of episodes I hadn't yet caught up with - and I was shocked at how vivid and colorful and ridiculously creative it was. I was missing all that when watching the earlier episodes. Everything is more crisp when our brains are not dulled by opiates. The idea that they somehow make us better is such a devious lie. I hope I always remember this when I think it's a good idea to start using them again.

    Nestled in my day of crying and wide eyed television viewing, I've listened to a lot of music. Music is my savior and has been for all of my life, since I was a child. I'm not particularly musically inclined, but I love listening to it. Cried today listening to Harvest Moon by Neil Young. Took me back to a place in time when I was a kid, a much simpler time. In it's honor, those are my lyrics of the day:

    But there's a full moon rising
    Let's go dancing in the light
    We know where the music's playing
    Let's go out and feel the night

    Made me happy and sad. Soul's awakening again.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-25-2017 at 06:28 PM.
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    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi Blondie,

    How you doing today? Happy Birthday!! Going for that massage today? Celebrate.

    I'm glad that you got to the doctor's and that you have started an antibiotic. It should begin to make you feel better quickly Proud of you for not filling the cough syrup and hopefully you'll feel better enough to not have to fill it at all. I sure do get it about this post acute detox being the hard part. It certainly is! I guess the only thing we can do at this point is to be proud of ourselves for coming this far in the first place. Before my last Day 1, I truly believed that I would live my life in active addiction. I had given up. Once the acute symptoms passed and when I wasn't glued to the pity pot, I was inspiring myself with each day that I wasn't chasing a pill and at the same time watching my bank account grow in leaps and bounds. Even now I can't look too closely at how much money I had thrown away. Each night I found a way to be amazed that I survived without a stupid pill. Oh I wanted one just to have a day that I could have some energy and then be able to get a good night's sleep but I finally also understood that for me it was never just one day. I wanted to have faith that I would eventually feel well again and of course, I did. My obsession for the hunt turned into an obsession of "if I die tonight, I will die clean".

    Hope you find a way to enjoy today just a little bit. You are amazing. Believe it!

    Peace,

    Cat
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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Hi Cat! Thank you for your birthday wishes! So the doctor called this morning and I *do* have pneumonia. Oye! I thought pneumonia meant fever and sickly in hospital but doctor said it's quite common for people to walk around with it and not even know it. So happy birthday to me, turned 56 and got pneumonia. I'm trying to look at the positives - at least during this period of time I don't have to worry about getting up and going to work. Been laying around all morning watching Orange is the New Black and being a lazy bum. My usual MO is to have already accomplished about 50,000 things by noon so it's almost a luxury, weird as that sounds.

    I have to tell you I have thought about so much that you said in the 29 pages I read of your journal! Somewhere in there you said you found an old script for percs, you found it in your bag and you went to the shredder with it. I read that last night, got up and took the codeine cough syrup to the shredder. Didn't even think twice about it. I don't have it in me to do this any more times. I'm tired. Another thing you said, about if you were to die in your house you would know that your family would get a clean toxicology report. That struck me so hard - I thought I was the only person who thought of stuff like that. Is that our maternal instincts that make us think of stuff like that? I've spent my whole life caring for other people, it's so important to me that the people I love are cared for and protected. If I die tomorrow I know that is the one thing people could say about me - that I loved deeply and really cared for the people in my life. The only person that I haven't really cared for is myself. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn this time around. I'm getting all sorts of "signs" - I won't ramble too much on this so y'all don't think I'm nuts but I'm a deeply spiritual (not religious, but spiritual) person and I so believe in fate, in our Higher Power showing us the way. I feel like I was meant to read the 29 pages of your journal last night. It empowered me, even though I'm coughing up a lung.

    My boys are caring for me today (I taught them well!) - busy preparing some secret special birthday dinner (I have zero appetite but don't have the heart to tell them!) I feel settled today. I know this is not an easy process. I remember last time around Day 40 or 50 I was climbing the walls with boredom and the need to numb. I need to stay vigilant I know that. But today I am ok. Thank you Cat. Thanks for checking on me, and thanks for being here for us all. Day 10 today and I'm doing ok.
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    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by blondie50ish View Post
    Hi Cat! Thank you for your birthday wishes! So the doctor called this morning and I *do* have pneumonia. Oye! I thought pneumonia meant fever and sickly in hospital but doctor said it's quite common for people to walk around with it and not even know it. So happy birthday to me, turned 56 and got pneumonia. I'm trying to look at the positives - at least during this period of time I don't have to worry about getting up and going to work. Been laying around all morning watching Orange is the New Black and being a lazy bum. My usual MO is to have already accomplished about 50,000 things by noon so it's almost a luxury, weird as that sounds.

    I have to tell you I have thought about so much that you said in the 29 pages I read of your journal! Somewhere in there you said you found an old script for percs, you found it in your bag and you went to the shredder with it. I read that last night, got up and took the codeine cough syrup to the shredder. Didn't even think twice about it. I don't have it in me to do this any more times. I'm tired. Another thing you said, about if you were to die in your house you would know that your family would get a clean toxicology report. That struck me so hard - I thought I was the only person who thought of stuff like that. Is that our maternal instincts that make us think of stuff like that? I've spent my whole life caring for other people, it's so important to me that the people I love are cared for and protected. If I die tomorrow I know that is the one thing people could say about me - that I loved deeply and really cared for the people in my life. The only person that I haven't really cared for is myself. Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn this time around. I'm getting all sorts of "signs" - I won't ramble too much on this so y'all don't think I'm nuts but I'm a deeply spiritual (not religious, but spiritual) person and I so believe in fate, in our Higher Power showing us the way. I feel like I was meant to read the 29 pages of your journal last night. It empowered me, even though I'm coughing up a lung.

    My boys are caring for me today (I taught them well!) - busy preparing some secret special birthday dinner (I have zero appetite but don't have the heart to tell them!) I feel settled today. I know this is not an easy process. I remember last time around Day 40 or 50 I was climbing the walls with boredom and the need to numb. I need to stay vigilant I know that. But today I am ok. Thank you Cat. Thanks for checking on me, and thanks for being here for us all. Day 10 today and I'm doing ok.
    Well apparently my posts about being spiritual (not religious) wasn't in the first 29 pages of my journal or maybe I didn't post that there at all but instead on someone else's thread but I have typed those same words and have described myself exactly that way. Me too! Not in the first 29 pages? I also admitted somewhere that I always kept myself so busy taking care of everyone that I didn't have time to take care of myself. Selfish. It felt selfish to take care of me. That's a load of malarkey! What comes to mind are the instructions on the runway as we prepare to take off. If the oxygen mask falls, put it on yourself first so that you can assist others. Remember that because it's true in life in general.

    Feel better.

    Peace,

    Cat
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    ChiefChe is offline Member
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    Blondie

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    Blondie

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    Blondie-

    3rd times the charm right? You see I painted you 2 pictures today but the universe has carried them away to the unknown.

    Wanted to send you out this happiest wishes to you on the celebration of your birth. What a time to be alive! Give thanks & praises for yet another awakening & sober eyes to take it all in.

    I wIll paint you another picture but first I must run out for paint.

    Thank you future for bringing me a ray of sunshine! Today we both celebrate the number 56. You in years & me in days!

    Peace, Luv, & ab abundance of Happiness,

    ~CC
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    P.S- I found the play on YouTube.
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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Cat - I'm not sure I saw you say you were spiritual but not religious but I definitely could tell you are the type to take care of everyone else first. I see a lot of similarities between us. You just seem a lot more "together" and settled than I am. I read your journal over the course of 5 years and saw you grow a lot - it really inspired me. How lucky you are to have that journal to look back on - I bet you are the type who would not read it back, but if you did I am sure it would make you feel really good to see how little by little you started to figure it out.

    Hi CC! How are you today?
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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Weird, CC, your post wasn't there when I replied! How wild that you are at 56 days as I turn 56 years! Hmmmm! Fairies of the Universe at work again!
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    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by blondie50ish View Post
    Cat - I'm not sure I saw you say you were spiritual but not religious but I definitely could tell you are the type to take care of everyone else first. I see a lot of similarities between us. You just seem a lot more "together" and settled than I am. I read your journal over the course of 5 years and saw you grow a lot - it really inspired me. How lucky you are to have that journal to look back on - I bet you are the type who would not read it back, but if you did I am sure it would make you feel really good to see how little by little you started to figure it out.

    Hi CC! How are you today?
    Oh boy. Right again. I never go back and reread my thread. lol You may know me better than I know myself. I don't know how together and settled I am but I am light years better than I was in 2009. That much I know. I have done a lot of self discovery and I have managed to find at least a little balance with taking care of me and still be able to take care of others. I tried in the beginning to move further away from the others part of that balance because newly clean I began to view that as a serious flaw and it was something I thought I needed to fix/stop. But I like to help others and so long as all of me isn't vested in it and I can still find time for me, it's all good. Balance.

    I yearned to just find peace (hence my standard closing). I just wanted peace. I was so consumed with the turmoil of the mess I had managed to make of my own life added together with trying to fix everyone else's mess, that I was constantly in a state of unrest and worry. There's many components to having been able to arrive to where I am today. I had to learn to forgive myself and to acknowledge that I'm not always deserving of the cr*p that might come my way and that gives me both the permission and the right to defend myself. Something I hadn't felt I had the right to do for many years. I am deserving of the good that comes my way. After nearly 20 years of abusing opiates, you might imagine that it scared the bejesus outta me to not know who I'd be sober. I figured it would take me the rest of my life and then some to make up for what I had done. Now I know that my past drug use does not define me but it did contribute to who I am today and I'm proud of myself even with all the warts. Seven years ago, it would have been inconceivable to imagine that I'd ever say these things. It's hard to see after all those flowers I just threw at myself but I am by nature modest and low maintenance but that doesn't mean that I'm not deserving. These are the things I wish for you, Blondie. I want you to find peace and to learn to love yourself. It sure makes life a lot easier.

    Peace,

    Cat
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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    And an update on me, Day 10 was a decent day even though I really do feel so poorly. I started to think today that I never got a cold or cough while on Percocet. Is there a science to that, or just coincidence? Not that it justifies me using them. Perhaps I would get a cold but not feel the symptoms?

    Two things jumped out at me today. 1) If I were actually to get some sickness, I might not know it until it was too late, due to the pain relieving aspect of the pills, and 2) if I were to get some horrible end of life type sickness, I would not want to have such a high tolerance to pain meds. I never really took more than 60mg or so maximum, which doesn't seem like that much here but I'm sure to "regular" people it's a lot!

    I also thought of something else - lately I have been looking at happy people and feeling sort of jealous of them, that they can go through life being happy without opiates. And it dawned on me today as I was sitting here watching my fave shows, enjoying a nice home cooked meal made my family for me for my birthday, that I'm happy. I am perfectly content today, and didn't need to take an opiate to feel that way. Might feel stressed or unhappy tomorrow or in the future, but isn't that just life? I'm hoping to learn to deal with the ups and downs of life in a more mature way.
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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Oh boy. Right again. I never go back and reread my thread. lol You may know me better than I know myself. I don't know how together and settled I am but I am light years better than I was in 2009. That much I know. I have done a lot of self discovery and I have managed to find at least a little balance with taking care of me and still be able to take care of others. I tried in the beginning to move further away from the others part of that balance because newly clean I began to view that as a serious flaw and it was something I thought I needed to fix/stop. But I like to help others and so long as all of me isn't vested in it and I can still find time for me, it's all good. Balance.

    I yearned to just find peace (hence my standard closing). I just wanted peace. I was so consumed with the turmoil of the mess I had managed to make of my own life added together with trying to fix everyone else's mess, that I was constantly in a state of unrest and worry. There's many components to having been able to arrive to where I am today. I had to learn to forgive myself and to acknowledge that I'm not always deserving of the cr*p that might come my way and that gives me both the permission and the right to defend myself. Something I hadn't felt I had the right to do for many years. I am deserving of the good that comes my way. After nearly 20 years of abusing opiates, you might imagine that it scared the bejesus outta me to not know who I'd be sober. I figured it would take me the rest of my life and then some to make up for what I had done. Now I know that my past drug use does not define me but it did contribute to who I am today and I'm proud of myself even with all the warts. Seven years ago, it would have been inconceivable to imagine that I'd ever say these things. It's hard to see after all those flowers I just threw at myself but I am by nature modest and low maintenance but that doesn't mean that I'm not deserving. These are the things I wish for you, Blondie. I want you to find peace and to learn to love yourself. It sure makes life a lot easier.

    Peace,

    Cat
    The like button seems to have disappeared for me? I don't understand this forum sometimes. In any case, I like (love!) this post, Cat. I've been looking for peace - peace of mind, acceptance of myself as I am, warts and all - for 56 years. I really am a low maintenance sort of person too. I hear people who want all these things - to travel the world, own beach homes, fancy cars, etc. - I am so low maintenance in that way. I had a house in the city for 20 years before moving to a more upscale neighborhood just a couple of years ago. It's not fancy AT ALL, but I don't have to worry about walking to my car at night or someone breaking in, etc. It's so peaceful where I live now - all my life I've lived in a noisy city, and living out a little further in the suburbs where I have a yard, a garden and deer, rabbit and fox that roam in my back yard makes me so happy! It's just a little brick house, but to me it's a castle. I derive pleasure from very little when it comes to material things. I just need to hold myself up in the same light and not demand such perfection from myself, I need to learn that I'm good enough as I am. It's a work in progress....
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-26-2017 at 06:34 PM.
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    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by blondie50ish View Post
    And an update on me, Day 10 was a decent day even though I really do feel so poorly. I started to think today that I never got a cold or cough while on Percocet. Is there a science to that, or just coincidence? Not that it justifies me using them. Perhaps I would get a cold but not feel the symptoms?

    Two things jumped out at me today. 1) If I were actually to get some sickness, I might not know it until it was too late, due to the pain relieving aspect of the pills, and 2) if I were to get some horrible end of life type sickness, I would not want to have such a high tolerance to pain meds. I never really took more than 60mg or so maximum, which doesn't seem like that much here but I'm sure to "regular" people it's a lot!

    I also thought of something else - lately I have been looking at happy people and feeling sort of jealous of them, that they can go through life being happy without opiates. And it dawned on me today as I was sitting here watching my fave shows, enjoying a nice home cooked meal made my family for me for my birthday, that I'm happy. I am perfectly content today, and didn't need to take an opiate to feel that way. Might feel stressed or unhappy tomorrow or in the future, but isn't that just life? I'm hoping to learn to deal with the ups and downs of life in a more mature way.
    OK. Why don't you just copy and paste my whole damn thread? lol Your last paragraph. I think I wrote exactly that on my thread. The only difference was that I was talking about being in the grocery store looking around at all of these people and finding it hard to believe that all of them were living life without taking pain pills everyday. Oh how I wanted to be them. Close enough, right? lol

    Paragraph 2. I used to think of that all of the time! What happens if I get diagnosed with cancer next week? My tolerance for pain pills was so high that I'd be totally screwed when I really needed it.

    Paragraph 1. OK. I guess I went backwards but that's me. Opiates will suppress your cough so I'm not a bit surprised that you didn't cough while you were using. Of course, they do hide many symptoms too and that can be dangerous. With an injury and a script for narcotics, doctors will even warn you that because they will suppress the pain, there's a danger of over doing it and further injuring yourself.

    How things come together and begin to make sense. In spite of still not sleeping and not feeling well, you had a good day. The simple things. That's what's it's all about and once our heads clear, we notice them. This is what we missed. What a great birthday gift.

    Peace,

    Cat

    PS We were posting at the same time so there's another new post from me just below your last post.
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    blondie50ish is offline Member
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    Cat, I could be plagiarizing you haha. If I am I am not doing it on purpose - just found a lot of wisdom in all that I read in your journal and made me think of all sorts of situations in my own life. Not just from you but so many people that you posted with on your journey. So many of those names I've known over the years. Hope all of those people are well and staying away from the beast.
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    Nice to see You posting daily again Blondie....and Never giving up!! I think You are finally where i got to....That Place of Just being Sick and Tired of the "BEAST"....making you think it is giving U joy and happiness,,,,when what it's Really doing is taking everything away....it's just a slow sneaky process....took Many Years for Me....many Years.......
    Happy Belated Birthday...and Congrats on day 10.....10 I think??? Keep posting girl....I see you got the Legend..'Cat"...rolling along by your side!! I got your back as well!! Let's do this deal....One Day at a Time!! Push through the tough days, and cherish the good ones!! Stay Strong Just For Today Blondie!!.."You are Amazing....And don't forget It"!!..xoxo
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    I think about those things all the time too Blondie. What if something was really wrong with me and the pills were covering up the pain? Also having the pill tolerance (like you 50-60mg was my max) wouldn't help me if I really did get sick. But the big one was looking at people and thinking how are they so happy?!?

    We will be those happy people one day.
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