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Starting a new chapter in my life
  1. #1
    RufusRoosevelt is offline New Member
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    Default Starting a new chapter in my life

    Hi guys,

    First off i would like to say that i have been a lurker of this forum for about 2 years now. Always planned on participating but never got around to it. To the veterans here who have kicked the habit and help others, you guys are true heroes and i thank you.


    Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. i have tried to quit dozens of times now by "white knuckling" it. I manage to stay clean for a few weeks but always come back...i have done this atleast 5 times now


    I will be writing a daily journal of my detox off opiates. I hope me writing this and having people read it will keep me accountable and make it more "real" regardless if people decide to reply or not.

    Some background info on me:

    *** i am 27 years old and have been using opiates for almost 3 years now
    *** my DOC is 30mg roxicodone and the occasional OPANA when avaliable
    *** i used to snort but it ruined my nose to the point where my sinuses were ALWAYS congested giving me headaches and making it impossible for me to breathe properly, so i started smoking it instead ( baaaaaaad idea bc not only do i waste alot of it, i am addicted to the whole "smoking process", i find it fun)
    *** i rarely ever use back to back days...i will almost always skip a day or sometimes 2...so i use about 3-4 times a week (usually 90 mgs a day)
    *** my closest friends and girlfriend know about my problem bc i told them. I thought me telling them would motivate me to quit since it was now out in the open but it didnt. They think i have been clean for a few months now.
    *** My parents do not know and cannot know.
    *** dropped out and started my own business in my early 20's, did very well for myself financially but left me with way too much free time...instead of using my freedom to pursue things that interest me or be productive i start dabbling in opiates.
    *** i didn't really enjoy it at first and didn't understand why my friends loved it so much. it made me nauseous and i felt mentally slow but slowly and surely my tolerance went up and realized why people fall in love with it.
    *** i started abusing my DOC...started to become distant from loved ones...wild mood swings, made very bad personal and business decisions which ultimately led me to drive my then thriving business into the ground.
    *** i moved back into my parents home after being on my own for 6 years and now have various odd jobs...contractor, bartender, waiter.

    I completely realize that my addiction is the biggest obstacle in my life that i must overcome. I want to achieve and accomplish and live a full and happy productive life.
    My drug addiction is the ultimate anchor weighing me down. The problem is that when i'm sober, opiates are all i think about. It consumes my every thought, to the point where there's no room for anything else. Its a constant battle of "should i get some or should i not? this and that would be so much more fun if i had some with me". Its like this everyday, a constant battle waging in my mind and it is exhausting.

    I have tried NA meetings 5 times at different times and locations because i didnt like each one i attended. Half the people were stoned and it seemed like a venue for users to trade old war stories. I am also not religious at all. So what do you guys think? Should i keep searching? Is NA really that much of a game changer?

    Its funny. I wrote down a PROS and CONS list of why i should quit. On the PROS section is a 10+ list of reasons why and on the CONS section is just one reason, and that reason is, "feels good for a few hours". The "feel good" is followed by anger and shame of course.

    They say that most people hit rock bottom before they realize and clean up. I wont let myself, i will change NOW.

    So here goes

    Day 1 - Nothing to write about really. The first day for me is always the easiest. Maybe because i still have some opiates in my system, i dont know.
    I went to the gym for a few hours with friends and then went to work. I was very tempted to go pick up some pills afterwards but since i used yesterday i didnt.
    Most important part of my day was that i severed all contact from my dealers and using friends. Told my dealer to f*** off (but im sure if i call again he wont hesitate supplying) and told my using friends to not call me anymore (i have told them this about 4 times already). Deleting their numbers wont do any good, i have their numbers memorized.
    I am honestly terrified. i am so scared that this cycle of self destructive behavior will continue until the day i lose everything or until the day i die. i am so scared that i will never truly be happy. i am so scared that life without opiates will be a life not worth living. But what i am scared of most, is not trying and seeing what its like for myself firsthand. Right now i am super determined but sometime soon that little voice in my head will begin to whisper. So i will write here daily to remind myself and to have an outlet to speak with others like me. Nobody understands but us.

    I know i am not the greatest writer but it hope it was comprehensible so thank you for bearing with me

    Time for me to wash up and read myself to sleep

    Talk to you guys tomorrow

  2. #2
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    Hey, today is my first day not using. However I guess some might say, especially maybe you because you are doing this cold turkey - that I am taking the easy way out. Suboxone...

    I am 26, and have struggled with my addiction to opiates for all of my twenties. Started with roxies, which I always preferred to snort. Moved up to >>>>>>. And I prefer smoking that - I have been chasing the dragon off and on for a little over three years (my best guess).

    I made an appointment with a suboxone doctor, then told my girlfriend what I was up to. She told me that had I not came clean, she had plans to ask me what was up that night. So glad I told her because she is totally willing to help. Problem with that is, I told her it was pills. I just can't find it within myself to admit to her it's actually >>>>>> at this time. I am working up to it though. She went to the appointment with me, but I went back to the doc on my own. My appointment was yesterday, about ten hours ago.

    I dosed myself around midnight when the withdrawals became very apparent to the both of us. So far, I'm doing ok. Although I've got way too much on my mind, as per usual - and cannot sleep.

    I have Crohn's disease and that is where my love for opiates started. Opiates are the only thing that keep me from running to the bathroom 20+ times a day. It is no excuse however and I did take them for the high as well.

    My stomach is doing some pretty weird sh?? as of now and my muscles feel on the verge of cramping. But I think that is just from lack of sleep (the cramping).

    I want to find the right part of this forum to document my experience with suboxone. For anyone with Crohn's disease - or just anyone who is considering suboxone. I really hope to find someone in the same boat as myself. Or that someone finds my posts and benefits from reading them.

    All we can do is take this one day at a time... I'm going to add your page to the home screen on my iPhone and I want you to know you got someone here cheering you on. Actually, you will have a ton of people cheering you on.

    Please continue to post, as I will definitely keep reading them.

    Do you get bad withdrawals at that amount? Is your girlfriend as supportive as mine? Would you rather someone using a crutch didn't post to your thread? Well, I hope you get a good nights sleep and that you can keep the positive attitude going.

    Thanks for the thread -
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-06-2013 at 06:54 AM. Reason: Missing commas, etc.

  3. #3
    Carolina77 is offline Member
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    hey u guys....i am still new here too...i lurked for a year or so until i was finally sick of what these pills were doing to me...roxies, percocets, oxys, whatever i could get from my dealer.....I am actually going on my second week without using. its been a rollercoaster, but its definitely do-able....and honestly, i am not sure i would've had the courage to stick with it had i not found this forum...nobody around me knows what secret i have been hiding for the past few years, so i have done it on my own with the help of friends here.....it's unbelievable how wonderful the support of total strangers, that i now consider my friends, has helped me. the first few days are the hardest, but i got thru it by posting here A LOT and by following the thomas recipe....i also have an Rx of gabapentin (a non-narcotic for nerve pain and fibro) that i believe assisted me thru the worst of it. i just wanted to welcome u both and tell u that you both have the support of MANY......headed to work but will be checking in with u guys throughout the day. i know many more will chime in as well. hang in there u guys......we are all here for u and life DOES get much better without this anchor around our neck.....sending positive vibes to u guys.....hang in there!!!!
    ~Carolina

  4. #4
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    RR.. Welcome to the forum... Above anything else, the main factor that is needed in order to quit is YOU HAAVE TO WANT IT.... You sound like you do, so that is key.. keeping a journal is good also. It will allow you to process a lot and work out the cobwebs when you are going through a bad spell and allow you to give yourself praise when you hit a milestone... Ok, so the first thing to do is focus on treating the symptoms as they come up... For the first 5 or so days, THAT IS IT.. don't grind on the past or the future, just realize you are in a battle with those WD's and you are NOT going to let them win. Might seem crazy to make the Wd's out as an ememy... But think about it, use the sick feeling and fuel to get a little pi$$ed and just have the attitude that YOU are going to come out on top.. The strength and motivation we have as addicts to get pills must now be used to stay clean... We will cheer you on, support you and answer whatever questions we can to also help you battle... But ultimately it is you... Some days you are going to want to crawl out of your skin or cannot get off the toilet, chalk it up as something YOU HAVE to go through, and also just have the attitude, that YOU WILL.... ok... now.... to answer your question about meetings... i was you... 20 something using etc... I am now 47... My point is this, if I would have strapped a $ack on and just went to meetings I feel I would have shaved a good decade off of my using... point is, getting clean is the easy part in the geand scheme of things... 5 or so days of feeling like a$$ and boom, you're done... BUT the mental battle that kicks in, is the killer.... So why not get that strong foundation under your belt so that you have the tools you need to STAY clean... Just my 2 cents.... Anyway, Welcome and I am proud of you for taking this very important first step.. There are many on here, and most will not judge and most understand because we were at one time or another where you are right now.. no need to feel lonely, you have many watching and cheering you on. All my best, Reid

  5. #5
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    Thanks Carolina and congratulations on your sobriety!! I do feel very welcome here and can tell this is one h??? of a tool for staying clean.

    I hope you have a great day. And your positive vibes are much appreciated, as well as sent right back your way!

  6. #6
    RufusRoosevelt is offline New Member
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    Hi guys

    Lunar i am sorry to hear about your condition. I dont use for any other reason than to just get high and escape. My girlfriend is supportive but shes a young healthy ambitious and overall happy girl so she doesnt truly understand the gravity of my situation.
    My withdrawals are not TERRIBLE...since i use every other day i am in a constant state of mild withdrawal to the point where being in withdrawal is "normal" now. I get the chills, achy muscles, mood swings, bathroom problems but worst of all depression.
    Carolina and caughtagain, i thank you both for the kind words and wisdom.
    Caughtagain, i have read many of your posts and we are all very lucky to have you around. I will give NA another shot.

    Well here goes day 2-

    Today i woke up feeling pretty ?????? with no motivation to do anything. Today is also the day i always pick up my DOC and waste glorious amounts of time. So instead of driving 40 minutes away and spending a bunch of money i decided to go to the gym and worked out for a good hour. Went to barnes and nobles (im a huge book nerd) but found it almost impossible to concentrate on anything longer then 2 minutes.
    So here i am counting down the minutes until i fall asleep and start a new day. I just feel sad and empty, like i lost my bestfriend or lover. Also EXTREMELY bored. At the same time im PISSED OFF, pissed i let myself get this far.

    Well my mind state is just mushy right now so i cant express myself too clearly...but yeh...

    TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY
    caughtagain likes this.

  7. #7
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    Hey Rufus, really glad to see you are still staying strong. Today was a roller coaster for me. And my mind was a bit mushy as well.

    It's crazy being on this forum - hearing so many stories similar to my own. If not my current story, places I have been in the past.

    I reached out for support from a neighbor whom I have grown pretty close to today. And I was shot down. It really had me a bit emotional, because I recently helped him through a very rough, lonely time. He cried to me, knowing no judgement was passed.

    I understand what you are going through today. I am on my way home from the gym and passing all these parking lots - all I can imagine is me sitting in one of those cars and getting well before I head home.

    I am unable to be completely honest with my gf right now, so this forum is helping a lot. I feel I can be 100% honest. I need to re read your post so I can better respond. A little distracted as a passenger right now.
    You deserve more of my attention!!

    I will post more to you after I get home.

    - Lunar

  8. #8
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    All in all I guess you could say >>>>>> was my best friend - my only friend, other than my gf. We would go on long drives, just listening to music. Pull over to have a few chases after the dragon in random parking lots, making the stay short, as to not attract much attention to us.

    When I say long drives, I mean i would drive a minimum of 60 miles just to meet up with the dragon. Sometimes I would bring my dog Ramsey along. Because he wants to be around me all the time - haha.

    Crazy thing is I'm not even legally allowed to drive. So I would borrow my gfs car as SOON as she got home from work. And I know that made her feel like I didn't want to be around her... Truth is I want to be around her 24/7 - I just couldn't be myself if I was in withdrawal.

    I was clean for a year up until a few months back and I find myself asking the same question. How the ???? Did I let this happen? How did things spiral out of control so fast?

    I know the answers... And there are several.

    Tomorrow is a new day, just like you've said. And day 3 was always the hardest for me, besides that nasty methadone detox I went through (yuck, 120 mgs a day for a year to nothing in a matte of a couple days).

    Please get back to us, whether or not things are going how you want them to. Please stay strong for yourself and everyone in your life.

    Try to get a good nights rest, Rufus. You have EARNED it! Congratulations on your successful day 2! The first few days are the hardest. I have tried to quit many times in the past and those were always the roughest. Even if the physical withdrawals weren't terrible.

    Keep us posted!

    - Lunar

  9. #9
    Nobody girl is offline Member
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    Welcome!! It's funny how we all say the thing about it feeling like we lost our best friend! Detox is such an emotional roller coaster! On to day 3!! Post and let us know how you are doing!
    Oh and I've heard the same things about NA but AA is much better and you can go to either one. I'm looking into finding some meetings and I will be going to AA even tho I'm an opiate addict.

  10. #10
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    RR.. DAy 2 and 3... You are doing great... try to keep working out and just treating the symptoms as they come. post a lot too.. that will help pass the time as it crawls by. proud of you RR.... You got this! Reid

  11. #11
    RufusRoosevelt is offline New Member
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    Greetings earthlings,

    Day 3

    I am forcing myself to write this. I am writing this on my phone so bear with me!

    Woke up earlier then usual ( this happens when not using the night before ) and found myself wondering what to do with myself for a few hours before work. Had some serious debating going on in my head wether to go pick up or not but instead, I decided to hit the gym.
    After a somewhat productive but long work out I had some time to kill and an idea pops into my head. I should reward myself with drugs! My mind is wired so that whenever I accomplish something, get sad, bored, anything at all, I should go get drugs. I didn't get drugs.
    Went to work and was busy enough to keep my mind occupied even though I didn't feel too well. After work I think to myself "I deserve some drugs right now". I must say that the idle mind is the devils playground. If I am alone with my thoughts for more then 5 minutes, I start thinking drugs.
    I have to stay consistent. My brain is so accustomed to this chase that it's become a reflex. I have to construct new mental patterns, healthier alternatives, and it is not easy at all. I guess anything worth fighting for will never come easy. That's what this is, a fight for my life.
    Today I stayed clean.

  12. #12
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    Hey Rufus, congrats on another battle won (today). Sounds like you are doing pretty well. I have been having intense dreams of using or trying to find a place to use... It tempts me! However I know on suboxone that would be quite a waste of time!

    Never giver up Rufus! You got this and we are all here for you.

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