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Unimaginable Depression
  1. #1
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    Default Unimaginable Depression

    I am currently on Day 2 of Hydrocodone W/D. I went from a 15mg daily maximum, to taking about 8-9 10/325 Norco's a day. I only got in the Norco habit for a week or two. I decided enough was enough when I took 9-10 Norco's throughout a day, and woke up the next morning with a CRAZY migraine headache. I had never experienced such pain.. I read online about rebound headaches, when one megadoses on Hydro then the Hydro begins subsiding from the body, the body reacts with a mind-gashing headache.. That's exactly what had happened to me. I knew I needed to stop taking these stupid pills just to feel high. I felt cheated from life.. I am only 18 years old so it scares me. I've NEVER had an addictive personality. The addiction caught up with me so subtlety.. It's like I went from taking a Hydro every now and then to chill, to taking 9 a day. I knew I needed to stop, so I did. The loss of appetite hasn't been too major, and I've been able to get to sleep (with the help of Butane Hash Oil, and marijuana in general) but the depression has been absolutely HORRIBLE.. This is the breaking point for my addiction, the ultimatum that will keep me clean. I never want to feel as hopeless and useless again, as I do today.

    I woke up this morning feeling pretty empty, with no reason or drive for life. I knew right away what I was experiencing was in fact W/D depression. I thought about my most recent relationship (that got quite serious) that failed, on a bad note.. I thought about my family, some minor/major problems with family memebers.. I sat there and cried, about how terrible things were, about how alone I am, how I have nobody, and I had no idea why.

    Luckily for me I have University (which is where I am right now), so that forces me out of bed early and into the shower, and about my day, which then forces me to get some kind of exercise. I need some type of advice to help me get through this; to help me quit thinking about negative aspects of my past, prior relationships, to rid me of this empty depression and dark anxiety. I've never felt so dark and negative in all of my life, and knowing I can't talk to my parents about the reasoning behind my depression (Hydrocodone) hurts even more. Where do I start?

  2. #2
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    [deleted- swearing]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-18-2012 at 01:02 AM.
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    Reid,
    Thanks for taking the time to read my story and where I'm at now. I appreciate you relating to me, and I want you to know I read your post as man-to-man and don't look at it as a fatherly-type-post at all.

    You were a lot like me.. I'd bring my hydros to school feeling like gold, feeling like I could take on the world, I'd sit at the library feeling euphoric getting my work done.. With the straight-forward mindset, all because I had a script of hydros in my backpack. I do want my old life back more then ever. I'm tired of pills, the lifestyle they have and the ?????? feeling of a stomach full of them. I want to live my normal life again.

    The depression is by FAR the worst part out of these W/D.. Yesterday I would have said the migraine, but today I say different. I've spoken to a few people today and they've voiced their concerns about the ways I've been acting.. Your response, along with those in my life that care, really help a ton. I need to figure out a way to make myself a bit more strong minded so I can quit dwelling on my past. Once again, thank you Reid, it helps more then you can imagine to already have a friend to relate with, and I don't want anybody to doubt for a second that I want this more then anything
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-17-2012 at 01:02 PM.

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Here is my question for you then...
    "I need to figure out a way to make myself a bit more strong minded so I can quit dwelling on my past"
    Your answer is in your own words:
    "I don't want anybody to doubt for a second that I want this more then anything "
    And that is the quandry of addiction not specific to you.... Wanting it, but needing to figure it out is almost a contradiciton.
    Think about your life... When, in your life you have wanted something, you just went for it.... So, here you are wanting to get clean so bad, the answer is to just do it... How? ok, i will spell it out.. Follow it to a tea, you win. Question it, change it, wonder about any part of it.. YOU LOSE... I can not impress to you enought, don;t try to out smart it, because addiction and all its "benefits" will win every time....
    Ok, step one, take every pill you have and lose them This is one I used to chuckle at and say yeah right.. but here is the deal, if you don't do it and decide to just use them all up, then you don't really "want it"
    step 2; get rid of any refill or means to purchase them... This free's up your mental space to know it's over.. With this freedom it allows you to work on you and get some clean time in you.
    step 3.. realize that from the time you take your last pill you will feel poor for about 5 days give or take and as that time goes by, although you will be bummed, treat it as a blessing and just get angry at the withdrawls, the depression, all the nasty things you are thinking and feeling and think about it as being in a war... have the mindset that you are not going to let the addiction win....
    step 4 ) this one is a must and is one i never used... Get into a support group.... At the end of the day, getting clean is not the hard part... it is staying clean. That group (pick one) will equip you with the tools you need to battle this chronic condition...
    Step 5.... never look back and enjoy life the way it was meant to be lived.. Head on!
    Reid
    Oh and keep posting, use this as your journal.. While you go through good and bad, post how you are feeling and look back at it when you are down, because as time goes by you can track your growth and that too will help you.. It is all about learning how to live. Drugs numb you through and I don't think anyone would classify that as living....
    And lastly.. NEVER EVER get the idea that "it's ok if I just take one".... When you think that smack yourself in the head LOL...
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    You're right.. I'm looking all around for answers when I already know what I'm supposed to do. I got rid of all my pills today, and I'm looking forward to living the life I used to only months ago.

    The depression has only gotten worse, to be honest.. This morning it was there but now it's kind of faded down and hit me subtle. It's in my head, almost. Also, my legs have began to ache like growing pains.. No fun.

    I also spoke to family members, some I could come clean about my problem to but others I just told them I was having anxiety problems. None the less, it felt good knowing that some people care in the least bit.. I'm not sure about anything right now. I appreciate you're input, Reid, for it's the only thing that's helped me so far.

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    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LookingForTheAnswers View Post
    You're right.. I'm looking all around for answers when I already know what I'm supposed to do. I got rid of all my pills today, and I'm looking forward to living the life I used to only months ago.

    The depression has only gotten worse, to be honest.. This morning it was there but now it's kind of faded down and hit me subtle. It's in my head, almost. Also, my legs have began to ache like growing pains.. No fun.

    I also spoke to family members, some I could come clean about my problem to but others I just told them I was having anxiety problems. None the less, it felt good knowing that some people care in the least bit.. I'm not sure about anything right now. I appreciate you're input, Reid, for it's the only thing that's helped me so far.
    Dear Looking,

    The name of your thread caught my attention, as I've been there, too. Unimaginable. And it's nearly impossible to even imagine it ever ending. It feeds off itself, and makes it so damned difficult to just put one foot in front of the other to keep moving. BUT - I promise you - it will pass. You are in the midst of the valley right now, at the low point in withdrawal, and your mood is going to be bleak. This is normal - believe it or not. This is all part of the process of ridding ourselves of this toxic stuff we've been numbing ourselves with.

    Opiates (like norco) have been blocking your brain chemistry from it's normal processing. Opiates have interrupted the brain's natural ability to re-uptake its neurotransmitters, like dopamine and seratonin. These are our basic mood stabilizers. The area of the brain most affected by drug addiction is the "nuclear accumbens," which houses our center of motivation and pleasure. With addiction, our body has become so used to operating with the narcotic that operating without it is un-natural. So... naturally... when we stop pumping it full of narcotics, our brain has to re-adjust itself back to a new normal.

    So give this time, Looking - each day is a little more healing. Your brain can and will repair itself, and you'll see the results before long. In the meantime, it will help if you fuel that brain with whatever positive, uplifting things you can - starting first with a 12-step program, like NA or AA. These groups are essential tools of any kind of long-term recovery. It's through the 12 steps that we change ourselves from within, and learn how to manage our lives on a day-to-day basis without returning to drugs or alcohol.

    When we're IN the depression, it can take nearly heroic effort to do anything positive for ourselves. But it is the path out. Go for a walk, chat with a friend, watch tv or movies that are uplifting - avoid the news or the negative! If you catch yourself dwelling on painful stuff (like a past relationship or past drug use), STOP yourself - and focus elsewhere. You can do that, you know? You can control your own thoughts, if you choose to - and by doing that, you will find you have much more control over how you're feeling. Watch a comedy, read something light. And stay busy. Idle time is dangerous time for depression. We can spiral into deeper places, when we're alone with our thoughts through a period of depression.

    Reid has given you some excellent suggestions to move forward with your recovery. Glad to see you've been chatting with him, as he has got a good head of his shoulders, and speaks from his own wisdom gained through difficult experience. Stay strong, and this will pass.

    God bless,
    Ruth


    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Cmon Looking, pop on here and give us an update...

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    Ruth & Reid, I'm not sure what I'd do without you guys. The advice you two have given me so far has made all the difference. Although you posted that this morning, Ruth, I did just what you said I should last night and watched comedies on TV (South Park, specifically) with my family until about 2 AM. I got to bed at around that time, and woke up at 9:30 feeling a lot better then I have the previous days, but still a bit down. My mind will casually drift off thinking about old aspects of my life, I.E. the past, but I control it to think of something positive.

    My head is still soar from that massive rebound headache 2 days ago, that made me decide once and for all I'm quitting.. I keep telling myself the worst IS, in fact, over. Day 3 sober and I'm on the road to happiness yet again ~
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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    The key for the next few days is to not look to far ahead... Just treat the symptoms as they come... Are you going to feel like poo, Yep... But just handle it and know that you never have to do it again.. The one (of many) mistakes I made when I was your age was I wanted to tell anyone who would listen, I was clean.. Blah blah friggin Blah.... Best advice it to let your actions show people how you have changed... Keep posting, and just know IT DOES get better and THIS IS FOR THE Better!

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    Quote Originally Posted by caughtagain View Post
    The key for the next few days is to not look to far ahead... Just treat the symptoms as they come... Are you going to feel like poo, Yep... But just handle it and know that you never have to do it again.. The one (of many) mistakes I made when I was your age was I wanted to tell anyone who would listen, I was clean.. Blah blah friggin Blah.... Best advice it to let your actions show people how you have changed... Keep posting, and just know IT DOES get better and THIS IS FOR THE Better!
    You're very right about feeling like poo, I feel empty, almost like I'm dehydrated (though I have been drinking plenty water).. I plan on working out after school today, in about 3 hours, and I'm looking very forward to it. I seem to share the problem of talking too much, to too many people that didn't care, about my problems. I have been learning over the past couple months to start grasping a hold of that, actions speak louder then words.

    I've got a long day ahead of me - it's nice knowing yall are (somewhat) right there with me.

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    It;s ok.... The whole want to tell everyone how clean we are is normal... Just want to spare you the reality of things by telling you the outcome ahead of time... LOL.. The working out thing is huge... Think of it this way... Your endorphins are what your body produces when you work out (feel good chemicals).. When we take opiates, those endorphins are syntheticaly replaced by the pills... Your body stops making the natural ones because the pills trick your brain... Soooooooo, when you stop taking pills, it takes some time for your body/brain to start up the factory again ergo the feeling of WD... So anything you can do to jump start your body is a plus... ie. working out cardio etc.. you will still feel like a$$, but not for as long.... Plus it will help get the cobwebs out... Reid

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    I just wrote on Strength's thread, but figured I'd get an update going here - I just got home from working out and steam showering, and it's made a HUGE difference in the w/d. I (sorta) feel myself again.. It had been months since I had worked out, so my arms are numb but it's a great feeling. No leg cramps! I told Strength, I could literally FEEL the hydro melting out of my body in the steam room..

    That being said, my stomach is being WEIRD.. Diarrhea is terrible (sorry for the graphic-ness) but it seems to have passed for the night. Depression is still there, though it's reduced greatly. Random crying is there, but I must say, the #1 cure for this is HANGING AROUND OTHERS. I've been tag-teaming along my brother all day long, just so I am forced to not cry. And I must say, it has worked - no forcing needed. It's like I'm distracting myself (at times) from the depressing feelings I have going on in my head.

    I went to a class today that I had slept through during my Day 1 of W/D (by FAR the worst of them all for me, due to the treacherous headache that followed) and discovered I had missed a major Exam. This made me so upset, I started to tear up in class when I looked at "My Grades" on the computer. I stayed after class, told the professor "I've had a very rough past couple of days, specifically, 5. I was sick on the day of the Exam and I no choice but to stay in my bed" and she took me to her TA's office and let me make up the exam! It really helped my day out - people do little things like that and don't realize the effect, but I was having a HELL of a day, and to have somebody sit down and work something out that I thought was the end of the world meant a lot.

    Anyways.. I'm done rambling! I must say, I am over talktative because I am feeling a spec of happiness for the first time in days - scratch that MONTHS (thanks to the pills producing FAKE happiness for so long) and it's almost making me want to cry. Thanks to you, Reid, SO MUCH, and to everybody that's helped me on my journey so far. I've got a long, LONG way to go, but you know what? That's alright. I'm in for an adventure - some days are going to be harder then others, and some nights as well. I've got my family, and even my forum family as I like to call it, to tell me how it is. And that means everything is going to be okay.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-18-2012 at 10:53 PM.
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    robbins0306 is offline New Member
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    It gets better with time. I have heard that all my life. And while time may help, have you ever been prescribed an antidepressant? I have been taking antidepressants for 13 years now. And most likely will have to take them for the rest of my life. Go to a psychiatrist. It will help. It could take a few weeks to notice any difference, but it is a trial and error process.there is a whole plethera of antidepressants now. And seeing a psychologist will also help just to vent and get feedback.You will get through this time. You are 18 yrs old. You have your entire life in front of you. I know it is hard to get back up when you feel so low, but you can do it.

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    robbins, I appreciate the kind words and advice. I've been to a psychiatrist and psychologist, both, before, and don't think antidepressants are the right thing for me - though I have always felt like the counseling itself helped a ton. I need to find the courage to go and get help via a counselor in the near future.. I CAN do it! I know I can.. I got through some really terrible feelings so far, so there isn't anything I can't handle.

    Again, I appreciate you devoting time to giving me advice. Means a lot in itself
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    hi there. hey how long had you been using. ? it sounds like not for long which is a good thing. does your post say you used only for a week or two..?
    what are the symptoms you are having now. ? you should be over the worst by now, depending on what day you are on.
    there are some great people on this site, we are a tight knit bunch and have each others backs.

    they have certainly earned my respect.

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    cheeky,

    I had been taking hydro off and on for a year or two, but started taking 7-8 Norco's a day for a 1-2 week period; it was horrible. The worst part of the w/d are over, but there is still some dependency since I was taking a low dosage for such a long time.. I'm happy I'll only have to go through this once, and you're right, most everyone I've met so far is a really good person. I'm happy I came on this site because it's helped me like no other so far ~

    Woke up this morning, body soar from working out, feeling kind of down.. Had a medicore sleep last night (kept tossing and turning).. Don't have much ambition to get a long thing typed out as I have a long day of classes ahead of me that I'm about to go tackle head-on. Plan on working out again today, and even hitting up a hot tub; hopefully the steam shower, as well. HEAT is what makes my body feel the best.

    Thanks again to everyone ~ I'll be poppin' back on later today to see what's goin on. On Day 4, going on 5 I believe, and I'm already very proud of myself!

  17. #17
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    i beleive you know me from somewhere else. ? please dont tell me im goin crazy and your name is karen.

    that was a person pretending to be numerous other people. for someone so new, to know me as cheeky. well hmmm.

    either i need a break. or i am wrong. what is it...? please just come clean and stop muckin around with people here.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-19-2012 at 12:38 PM.
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    norco is hydro. hmmm now im really confused..

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    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    hydrocodone is the opiate in: Lortab and Norco. Dif. brand names.

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    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by cheekysod View Post
    i beleive you know me from somewhere else. ? please dont tell me im goin crazy and your name is karen.

    that was a person pretending to be numerous other people. for someone so new, to know me as cheeky. well hmmm.

    either i need a break. or i am wrong. what is it...? please just come clean and stop muckin around with people here.
    I feel like I'm high or something.
    Could this be?
    My head hurts. Thirty year old almost widower with son, 25 year old single female with no friends, I forget the last incarnation a few days ago, and now..
    Wow.

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    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    IDK if this is you Karen, but many things ring false to me about your use. I've been through hydro w/d c/t too many times to count, you talk about years of "dependency" and then a sudden 2 week addiction? Many things ring true to me from the old "karen" threads about the "problems" you are experiencing with hydro: the need to revisit the past for example, your mention of your parents, the fact that you are qualifying, almost parroting the advice people are giving you and finally the need to cling to someone who is sympathetic to you. This is manipulative behavior. If you are Karen, I told you before that it's too dangerous for us NOT to give someone the benefit of the doubt and to give advice and support as we can. But if we are being manipulated this is dangerous to other posters. As "cheeky" has said: come clean and quit mucking around.

    Peace,

    Iloerose
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    I've no idea what yall are talkin about, so I'm sure this will be my last post on the forum ~ I wanted to say thanks to Reid, Cheeky (SORRY FOR CALLING YOU THAT, I MEAN IT IS YOUR SCREEN NAME AND ALL??), and to everybody else that helped me get on my feet and start the recovery process.

    I believe if my numbers are right, this is Day 5 of no Norco (YES NORCO IS HYDROCODONE) and I'm starting to feel myself again. I have much ambition to travel (which I never found I had before).. My happiness is coming back. I'm working out once a day and steam showering as well (last night I got in a hot tub, helped tremendously).

    As I stated before, this will probably be my last post here since everyone randomly believes I'm some sort of impostor.. I have nothing to prove. I was (and still am) in need of help.. At first I was in dire need, but now thanks to those like Reid (who never pointed their finger at me calling me a liar???) I feel I CAN do this.

    Thanks again to everybody that helped; and Cheeky, how dare you point your finger at someone like me that is legitimately trying to get help. I'm not sure where you get off trying to do that. Winged liked your post accusing me, so now I know what this forum is all about; drama. Reid, if you are reading this, shoot me a message if you still feel like helping me recover. I doubt it's legitimate, though.. This forum is full of people that want to point their fingers for absolutely no reason?

    Let me know what I can do to prove it to you RECOVERY PROFESSIONALS that I am not "Karen", as you speak of. I am an 18-year-old "LookingForTheAnswers" if you will. At first I thought I was finding those answers here but now I'm finding out it was all a big ploy

    -Ry
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-20-2012 at 12:31 PM.

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    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Ok dammit.
    I was confused before, but your reply above is typical.
    You always fall in this category, the justification post.
    Every time.
    Get help.
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    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Now it's definite. You ignored me, just like you did before. There is the deflection and justification peeking out again. Not to mention the anger at cheeky. If you were legit, you'd have ignored this. Don't try to fool a hydro addict with nonsense about a 2yr. dependency and a 2 week addiction.
    Get Help.

    Iloerose
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    You two feel entitled to call me liar because your post count has reached 1k? Cool. If you believe I'm not who I say I am, then why are you wasting your time on my thread?

    You've already driven EVERYONE off that was giving me legitimate help. Why don't you two dip out as well?

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    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LookingForTheAnswers View Post
    You two feel entitled to call me liar because your post count has reached 1k? Cool. If you believe I'm not who I say I am, then why are you wasting your time on my thread?

    You've already driven EVERYONE off that was giving me legitimate help. Why don't you two dip out as well?
    Moderator, I have never addressed you directly, but feel the need to do so now.
    Please check the IP address of this poster. Not that I think they're dumb enough to use the same, but who knows.

    This has gone on long enough. And to think, they wasted the time of a long-time poster here with yet more drivel when we could be helping those with legitimate drug problems..

    Oh, and "Looking," address me that way again and you'll have the wrath of this newly-recovering addict raining down upon you. I promise you, wont be pretty. I'm holding my tongue as it is.
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    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LookingForTheAnswers View Post
    I've no idea what yall are talkin about, so I'm sure this will be my last post on the forum ~ I wanted to say thanks to Reid, Cheeky (SORRY FOR CALLING YOU THAT, I MEAN IT IS YOUR SCREEN NAME AND ALL??), and to everybody else that helped me get on my feet and start the recovery process.

    I believe if my numbers are right, this is Day 5 of no Norco (YES NORCO IS HYDROCODONE) and I'm starting to feel myself again. I have much ambition to travel (which I never found I had before).. My happiness is coming back. I'm working out once a day and steam showering as well (last night I got in a hot tub, helped tremendously).

    As I stated before, this will probably be my last post here since everyone randomly believes I'm some sort of impostor.. I have nothing to prove. I was (and still am) in need of help.. At first I was in dire need, but now thanks to those like Reid (who never pointed their finger at me calling me a liar???) I feel I CAN do this.

    Thanks again to everybody that helped; and Cheeky, how dare you point your finger at someone like me that is legitimately trying to get help. I'm not sure where you get off trying to do that. Winged liked your post accusing me, so now I know what this forum is all about; drama. Reid, if you are reading this, shoot me a message if you still feel like helping me recover. I doubt it's legitimate, though.. This forum is full of people that want to point their fingers for absolutely no reason?

    Let me know what I can do to prove it to you RECOVERY PROFESSIONALS that I am not "Karen", as you speak of. I am an 18-year-old "LookingForTheAnswers" if you will. At first I thought I was finding those answers here but now I'm finding out it was all a big ploy

    -Ry
    - "I'm sure this will be my last post..."
    - "I wanted to say thanks" (as if this is an Oscars' ceremony or something)
    - "I believe if my numbers are right.." (IF?? I can tell you the EXACT date I quit EACH TIME)
    - "As I stated before, blah blah.."
    - "I was (and still am) in need of help.."
    - Mentioning the like from me, making it seem like drama..
    - This whole attitude of the forum being a social club..


    I'll admit, you're getting better at hiding it, but to be fair, we like to trust the people who first begin posting.
    But you're too dumb to pull it off.
    If you post one more time under this name or another guise, I will do everything in my power to call you out every time.
    You think this is funny? Are you getting a sick kick out of this?
    Good. Enjoy it.
    Because you won't be getting any more attention.
    From anybody.
    You ruined this forum for the rest of us, but by god, I won't leave it to you.

    Oh, and "looking"? Why don't YOU dip out?
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    Quote Originally Posted by winged eagle View Post
    Moderator, I have never addressed you directly, but feel the need to do so now.
    Please check the IP address of this poster. Not that I think they're dumb enough to use the same, but who knows.

    This has gone on long enough. And to think, they wasted the time of a long-time poster here with yet more drivel when we could be helping those with legitimate drug problems..

    Oh, and "Looking," address me that way again and you'll have the wrath of this newly-recovering addict raining down upon you. I promise you, wont be pretty. I'm holding my tongue as it is.
    Oh will I? hahah ???? you junkie. I came here to get help and you started pointing your finger.. Why don't you go to inpatient or something? Loser

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    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LookingForTheAnswers View Post
    Oh will I? hahah ???? you junkie. I came here to get help and you started pointing your finger.. Why don't you go to inpatient or something? Loser
    Your attempt to insult me by calling me a "junkie" is further proof that you aren't just a fraud of many guises; I doubt you've ever even tried drugs.
    So, Karen... Since you're that interested in talking about yourself, and since you seem adamant that the universe does indeed revolve around you.. How about we do that, you and me?
    Tell me about yourself.
    Tell me your hopes and fears.
    Tell me what your problem is, instead of constantly cloaking it as an addiction to whatever.
    What are your true motives?
    Why, in your opinion, do you always come back?
    Why did you come here to begin with?
    What are the stimuli, and what are the responses to your actions?
    Specifically, what in those responses is meaningful to you?
    Do you know if you're a female or male?
    When you look in the mirror, does the face staring back at you look pretty?
    Does it look like it even deserves a glance?
    Have you been abused?
    Have you wanted to be abused?
    Have you created stories throughout your childhood and adulthood about situations you've been victimized in?
    Does the attention feed a certain hunger within?
    Have you recently lost an enabler, which thrust you upon this forum in search of someone, or many, to take his/her place?
    Were you unpopular in high school?

    Let's talk about it, Karen.
    Tell me about yourself, because frankly I'm fascinated.
    This here is a manifestation of many psyche classes I took.
    So if you want, I can make you my new hobby.

    Wanna be my new hobby, Karen?
    Comeback Kid and iloerose like this.

  30. #30
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
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    LMAO. 2good.

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