Results 1 to 14 of 14
Addicted fiance - in hospital, intervention
  1. #1
    sarjean88 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    28

    Default Addicted fiance - in hospital, intervention

    Hi all - I've visited this forum many, many times in the past, trying to make sense of my suspicions and the hints of addiction that I saw in the house that my fiance and I share. This weekend, my fiance was admitted to the hospital with constricted veins in his arms and doctors do not know what is wrong. While he was asleep, I checked his phone, and confirmed my suspicions - receipts from online pharmacies in his email account.

    I then went home to our house, and looked through his office, where I found pills, pill crushers, and smoking paraphernalia. I realized that I cannot handle this on my own. I called his family (who don't live in our state), and his father immediately jumped on the next flight out to where we live (his dad suspects the addiction began a couple years ago, when my fiance broke his wrist and was subscribed pain meds for the pain - the scrip was refillable indefinitely and he just kept refilling it).

    I returned to the hospital, where I told my fiance that his father is on his way and I think he suspects what is coming. He started to cry and said that he is a messed up person, he is the lowest he has ever been.

    I feel bad planning an intervention while my fiance is in the hospital, but part of me also feels that this is the right time. I am planning on telling my fiance that either he gets help, or he loses my financial help (he is currently in between jobs - laid off - the stress of which I am assuming contributed to his use and addiction). His dad is going to suggest that he fly home for a little while to a more controlled environment where his parents can better support him through this.

    I'm not sure what question I'm really asking right now. I think I'm really just throwing this out there, I want to feel like I am not alone in this and that I am part of a community. I love my fiance so much and I just want the old him back. It makes me sad to think of throwing away the memories we had and the dreams I had of growing old together and starting a family together. I know my fiance loves me to the moon and back, but I am also aware the addiction is a difficult demon to kick and that our relationship might not make it through this.

    I hope I am doing the right thing here. I hope he is ready to work on himself. I hope a year from now, I can post on this forum that he is happy and healthy and stable and working and that our wedding is finally getting planned.

    Support, encouragement, feedback welcome!

  2. #2
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,887

    Default

    Hi there.
    I didn't even know there were still on line pharmacies available.
    I think most opiate pain pills are illegal to buy on line.

    It is hard to be in love with an addict..
    Because sadly there are no guarantees..
    I am a recovering addict and was married to a recovering addict who just celebrated 25 years clean..
    You have just got to take care of yourself..
    No matter what happens with him just be prepared to support yourself..
    There is a thread on here call addiction part 11 I don't understand.
    Something like that ..
    It is a thread for people in relationships with addicts..
    You may get some ideas there
    And
    I know you will feel supported and not so alone..
    Please look out for yourself and know his addiction has nothing to do with you..
    And he has to want help
    More than anything in the world..
    It is not easy getting clean..
    But in this day and age with drs beings supverized more it is a job to stay addicted too..
    Please keep posting ..
    The experience here is priceless..
    Take care
    Iluv2
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-19-2015 at 08:42 PM.

  3. #3
    sarjean88 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    28

    Default

    He says he will quit. Says he is not going to choose this addiction or these drugs over me. He is not keen on doing any kind of rehab program, though. Wants to do it on his own.

    The social worker at the hospital is coming to talk to us soon. This is difficult.

  4. #4
    sarjean88 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    28

    Default

    He called a rehab center! Is trying to detox while still in the hospital for his other issue so he can do an outpatient program. I am happy.

  5. #5
    RianaGriggs is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    1

    Default

    That's great. Family support and motivation is very important to help him overcome from this addiction. If you really want to help him, look for alternative treatment like e-cigarette to quit smoking.

  6. #6
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    Hello, I'm in a similar situation as you and can definitely relate. My boyfriend is addicted to opiates and it's been a long year and a half trying to get him to stay clean.. When he finally went into the detox facility (over a month ago) he had overdosed and was found basically dead. (Blue and not breathing) thank god for the narcan shot, they revived him and then he went to the hospital and then off to rehab. He just came home 2 weeks ago and already relapsed.. It is literally so hard but I have kept my distance since his last relapse. I miss my boyfriend too. We were actually engaged as well but when I found out he was using I wanted to hold off until he got his life together.. He sold the engagement ring along with other valuables of mine, his and his families. He lies and breaks promises and has become an awful person. I hate his addiction but I love him and who he was. He was such a great guy but Im not with that guy anymore. Im with a complete stranger. I've been having a really hard time sticking to walking away and can only hope it gets better from here. But what I really hope is the same thing as you, that I can keep those good memories we had and grow old together. Only advice I have for you is do not ever give in and think it's "not that bad" or "he can do it on his own".. He can't. He needs help and more then 28 days. Unfortunately I learned the hard way. Your also lucky you have his parents support because my boyfriends parents are in such denial I can't even stomach it. Don't put him down but be firm and let him know your aware of what is going on and give him an ultimatum. It isn't guaranteed to work but it most certainly can help. I hope everything works out - I wouldn't wish this upon anyone in a million years.

  7. #7
    sarjean88 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    28

    Default

    Wow it's nice to know that I am not alone in this and that someone gets it.

    He is 5 days clean right now (since Monday afternoon). I told him from the get-go it is me or the pills... he can't have both in his life. Since then, some days have been good, some days bad - I have had to have talks with me also about how he treats me while he is going through this. I understand that withdrawal causes mood swings but this is hard enough without someone being mean to me.

    He starts rehab (day treatment) on Tuesday at a place he felt really good about and I hope in my heart that it will work, but I am trying to be realistic and protect my heart at the same time... which is hard, when as you said, I want that future together and to grow old together so badly.

    I wish you so much strength in your situation. Are you in therapy? I've been seeing someone weekly and have found that it gives me something to look forward to. Nice to talk to a third party when there is so much dysfunction at home (not sure if you and your boyfriend live together, my fiance and I do).

  8. #8
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    Yea it is definitely good to know others relate!
    I do have a therapist I haven't went to see her in a while but I really do need to go back and talk to someone. I don't live with him but my parents do not help the situation.. And I just found out yesterday from his parents that he has been missing for a few days- when I finally got a hold of him I found out he was living out of a car for those days and doing drugs.. He is home now but is just not mentally there. Very nasty and blaming everything on everyone else. He refuses rehab .. It's just very upsetting, he's a stranger to me at this point..he will have to hit rock bottom to realize what he is doing isn't the right way to live.. Im just afraid by then it will be to late, I really do love him and I just wish he loved me too.
    Is your fiancé detoxing cold turkey and going to outpatient? I know you mentioned that-I don't no the entire situation with you but the biggest mistake I made was thinking he wasn't "that bad".. Maybe buy some drug tests and occasionally ask him to take one. You mentioned his addiction started a few years back and you found pills etc- it's a very hard habbit to kick(especially if it's opiates) I know my boyfriend wants help too but he just can't seem to stay clean. Everyone is different so Im sorry if I'm scaring you but I know from experience unfortunatley with him and also my sister who had a drug problem. It took her about 23 different in patient rehabs until something clicked. They will never change for us.. They need to want to change for themselves. Im sorry your going through this and I pray one day we can talk again about our significant others on a more positive note. Just please do not be in denial, do not believe all his words and just always stay on top of him until you have proof he has a good amount of clean time under him. I wish I had someone to tell me this when my boyfriend first relapsed but I didn't and now Im here.. Im miserable to the point where I would like mood altering drugs for me once and for all. (I Know that's not the answer but right now Im just lost) - I would hate to see anyone lost or feel like this.. I wish you the best of luck and truly pray everything works out. Keep in touch!

  9. #9
    sarjean88 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    28

    Default

    Wow girl.Are you guys officially still together?

    Yeah, he detoxed cold turkey while in the hospital last week (for an unrelated health issue, but it scared it him enough that he decided to stop with the pills). He has now been clean for almost a week. He'll start outpatient rehab on Tuesday, and they'll decide then if a full day or partial day outpatient program is right for him. I think they do drug tests at those programs, right? My understanding is that if they don't, insurance won't cover it.

    I threw away all his stash when he was in the hospital and have been monitoring his email since for any suspicious correspondence with online pharmacies, but yeah - to be honest, the idea of having to monitor him and stay on top of this stuff for the rest of our lives together is a scary one. I feel really torn about what the right thing to do is. I love him, but I don't want my life to go down the toilet. I've worked really hard on myself and on my career to get to where I am.

    Counting down the days til rehab and hoping that helps... he is one cranky, miserable man going through withdrawal.

  10. #10
    Anonymous Guest

    Default

    That's great! I hope and pray for you and him that he continues to stay clean. And yes they do drug test you in out patient, the only problem is that he doesn't have to put your name and number down as a contact if he fails his test. Meaning- if he fails and doesn't put your name down, you won't be notified. I know that my boyfriend did that to me when he was in outpatient.. Then he ended up saying he was going to outpatient but was really just out getting high. We are not together at all at the moment. This is probably the 100th time I found out about his drug using and each time it gets worse and worse. Im constantly worrying and crying and just have overwhelming anxiety.. Mostly, Im sick of being a detective and Im sick of being alone! It hurts a lot, probably the worst feeling in the world but boy do I wish I did this sooner .. I really hope all goes well with you and your situation. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone! Since this is your first time letting him know you know what he's doing.. Just look out for signs- make sure his car is in the outpatient parking lot,(or drive him if he doesn't have a car) make sure he is giving them drug tests and that you can see the results, even have some of your own just Incase you ever get a sense something is up- woman's tuition is usually right. It really sucks to have to be so on top of them and it's deff not something that should go on forever.. But for your own sanity and if it will make you sleep at night and feel better then do it for now.. It is deff better to do it now then to believe him and god forbid have to feel this way all over again..

  11. #11
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,887

    Default

    I know it is like being a parent to your mate..
    Not fun at all..
    In this day and age so many people are addicted to something
    And
    So many people never get help..

    So is it better to be involved with someone who admits they need help
    Or
    Someone who is clueless..

    I don't know but I have gained so many life skills in sobriety and have learned what real happiness is ..
    Clean and sober..
    That I am truely grateful to be an addict in recovery..
    But it took a lot of work to get to this point..
    I myself would not sacrifice my own sanity and or serenity just to be with someone..
    It is more about being able to not become co- dependant even in a relationship..
    As long as you can make yourself happy
    And are able to be complete by yourself
    Then you are probaly ok to take the risk..
    But if your whole life depends on someone else
    I would say run now!

    It is kinda strange but 2 sick people do not make 1 well person..
    Do you understand what I mean?

    It will be tough
    No matter what..
    Because of the lack of trust..
    You will always wonder..
    Keep posting ..
    Check out the thread
    Addiction part 11
    I don't understand ..
    Lots of people in relationships with addicts..
    I will check back later
    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-26-2015 at 08:50 PM.

  12. #12
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,887

    Default

    I am bumping up your thread .

  13. #13
    sarjean88 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Posts
    28

    Default

    Thanks Bette, for the reply.

    In my past relationships, I have had codependent tendencies, but I have worked very hard to overcome these. I have a lot of accomplishments in my career, a solid group of girlfriends, am not afraid to travel solo, etc.

    So if the question is - can I be happy by myself? The answer is, absolutely.

    My larger question now, though, is: I am in my late 20s. I want my fiance to make it through this, I would like to see him on the other side of things. But, if he doesn't, and I take the >>>>>> of sticking it through the next few months or even a year... this may impact my ability to accomplish other things in my life, like having a family. Whether I like it or not, my biological clock is ticking.

    I feel like if I was in my earlier 20s I would have more time to see this through.

    It also complicates things that we live together - he does not have friends or family in the area, and is unemployed at the moment (was laid off last year, which triggered his increased drug usage over the past few months), and while his unemployment payout is decent, it certainly doesn't pay the rent where we live. In an ideal scenario I think I would tell him to get his own place while he sorts through this, but that's just not really an option right now. He either stays with me, or he moves home to his family (in another state).

  14. #14
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    2,887

    Default

    Well you are still young..
    If you really love him
    And
    Sounds like you do..
    Stick it out for a year..
    Keep your own identity
    Stability
    Money
    Sanity..
    Then you will know in your heart you did everything possible..

    It is up to you to make some boundaries
    And limits..

    But you have absolutely got to stick with to them..

    Once he sees you don't hold him to his promises ....
    He will walk all over you!
    It is just the nature of the disease..

    If you give up one more year
    You won't have wasted a lifetime
    But you will have invested an amount of time in him during his recovery
    To see if he is serious..

    Just please don't loose your female intution ..
    Or your sense..
    We have them for protection..

    I know you will be ok..
    Because it is not to 2 sick people trying to make 1 well person..

    You are a well person in love with a sick person..
    You can be their for him..
    But you can not be his whole support system
    Nor his mother..

    I think counseling together would be a great way to start..
    Both come up with a plan that both of you agree on..
    Hold him responsible
    And he you..
    Become a team..
    Towards a healthy relationship..
    If you both give it your best shot ..
    That is all you can do..
    Take care
    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-27-2015 at 03:06 PM.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22