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Feeling scared
  1. #1
    Scared999 is offline New Member
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    Sep 2014
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    Default Feeling scared

    So I'm 24, I'm a nurse and I've been addicted to codeine for about 3/4 years, I've quit about 5 times before but can never last more than a couple of weeks. I can't tell anybody because of my job obviously, when I'm not at work it's easy to quit, but it's so hard not to take codeine when I'm dispensing it at work.

    I've recently given up for 2 weeks approx and I'm scared, so scared, I'm back at work on Weds, how can I stop myself taking it again, I always think oh just one then you won't have any more and then obviously it spirals out of control.

    I'm so disappointed that this has happened to me, I'm so frightened work will find out and I just don't want to be controlled by Drugs any more. What can I do to stop myself taking them when I have to handle them every day?????

    I've never written on a forum before but I'm tying every thing this time not to start again, I'm writing here, I'm keeping a diary to try and remind myself how >>>> it's been. I'm ruining my life

  2. #2
    melindau is offline Member
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    Aug 2008
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    I know how hard this one is!I had a cleaning business and it seems like everyone of them took some kind of pain pills and yes i would look at that bottle and say the same thing as you do (Oh just one) I kept telling myself all that I would loose if I took that one!!! dont feel alone in your field of work there are so many addicted to opiates...I think you have a good posting on here...you can look back and start to get at yourself for taking that one first pill...I know for myself I had to get pretty disgusted with myself before I quit!!!
    keep us posted on how you are doing!
    Melinda

  3. #3
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    May 2014
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    You are so young you definitely don't want to start the ball rolling with your nursing board when you get caught..
    You will get caught .,..it is just a matter of time..
    We think we are so unique and slick... But really not so much.. Someone will find out..
    there are nurse support groups: nurse to nurse.. Pills anonymous and NA.

    Have you tried any of those. It is good that you shared this..

    Because we are only as sick as our secrets!

    So please keep posting..
    There are lots of nurses on here.

    Keep coming back

    Just for today you don't have to use!

    No Matter What!

    Talk to you so one,

    Iluv2

  4. #4
    blueopiate is offline Member
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    Oct 2011
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    109

    Default

    I can relate to your situation. Only reason I haven't taken 1-2 pills from a source I come in contact with is the fact I am 100% constantly on video and I WOULD be charged with a felony. I'm 39 with kids, I can't have that happen. I'm not judging you for stealing some pills from a hospital since they charge like 10.00 for an advil to your insurance. My example is just ball-park but I think you know what I mean. That's what opiates do to us. Change our brains that make us do things we wouldn't. I truly believe it becomes a basic need to your brain the same as food and water is. Don't beat yourself up too much for it.

    That being said, think of all the work you put in to become a nurse. Think about what your family would think. Remember your oath. When I came in contact with them, I would think of these things and it would keep me from doing it. Quit while your ahead. You haven't been caught but as someone said, one day you will be. Is it worth it? Of course it isn't. You are young and have a good, respectable job. A thankless job sometimes. You nurses do more work most the time than the doctors do. You are the gears that make it all work. Keep these thoughts every time you get meds. I know it is so hard, believe me I know. I have came across every opiate you could get at my job and it's the one thing I never did. How I did this, I have no idea. I just kept thinking of all I had to lose. You can do this, it's not impossible. Make a decision in your head every time you get meds that "I'm not going to do it this time". Don't think about the months, weeks, or even the next day. Just that moment. When I think about staying clean for years to come it depresses me. When I keep it to "just this time" it is doable. You have a good job and care for sick people who need help. This is a great part of your character, it's still in there, it's part of you. If you can pass it up one time, you can pass it up again. I'm totally rooting for you.

  5. #5
    Scared999 is offline New Member
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    Sep 2014
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    Default

    Thank you so much for replying, found myself searching my bedroom today thinking there must just be one pill here, luckily there wasn't, I'm so pathetic. Thank you for the advise about one day at a time, you're right the thought of nothing ever again is hard. And the thought of getting caught and loosing my job is terrifying, I don't know what I would do. I only even started because I had a really bad headache at work one day so took two codeine not realising they were stronger than the 8mg ones you get over the counter, and I felt all warm and fuzzy! Then I had an operation and got given codeine for pain, I had recently started a new job in a new area and as we were working 3/4 13 hour shifts a week I suddenly had 3/4 days off a week and nothing to do so started taking the pills and then the empty days flew by! But I have a lovely boyfriend now and lots of friends in the area and I was starting to find I was turning down days out just to stay in and take pills! That was the first time I realised I needed to stop and have been trying to ever since.

    I keep telling myself if I don't do it this time I will come clean to my boyfriend and then he will leave me and that will be my punishment for taking them again. I feel pathetic, I know I don't want to go through withdrawal again and am through the worse, the only way is up from here.

    I was also taking tramadol for a couple of months towards the end before I gave up this time so guess this is why my mind is feeling a bit skew-whiff. Anyway I have rambled on I know but it's good to write it down.

    Also I've realised this is an American forum I think and I'm British so hope that is ok to still post?!

  6. #6
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    May 2014
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    Scared

    You are doing great just by talking about this and wanting to be clean..
    Like blue said you have your whole life ahead of you ..

    You are not pathetic .. Normal addict behavior.. It is strange how behavior becomes normal once the brain is. Changed from opiates.

    I just wanted to stop by and see how you are doing and lend my support..

    Talk to you soon,
    Iluv2

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