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living with an addict
  1. #1
    amber329 is offline New Member
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    Default living with an addict

    This is my first time actually writing about our problem. I know there is nothing I can do to change the situation, but I really just want to have a safe place to talk to people who might get it.
    I have been with my husband for three years and for the last two he has been taking pain medicine. He has arthritis in his spine and some other problems in his back that cause constant pain. Being young he cannot get a prescription for himself, besides hydrocodone. Before the script we were spending 60$ a day, after about 30$ a day. He had a good job at the time and I didn't notice all the money I never saw. But he got sick of being addicted and tried to quit. This ended up with him jobless and still taking pain killers. After that, relapsing and quitting happened on repeat many time. Costing him many jobs and putting much stress on us. There have been months at a time were we had no money for bills and had to use credit. Now he cant keep a job for more than a few weeks at a time. Because we cant afford the habit and when he doesn't take them he is in pain or sick and loses his job. I have a minimum wage job and luckily we have no kids.somedays I feel like I can't handle it anymore. When I talk to him about bills, money, how I feel he get ecstatic. Screaming, crying, punching himself and objects. Not even when he is with drawing just anytime. he says hes in so much stress, which I believe, and he is always in pain, which I want to believe all the time, and he says I dont understand what he is going through, I don't but I feel he doesnt understand how I feel.
    Our last few arguments, started because he wanted to score, ended up with him saying how he wants to die because he doesn't deserve to live. So I have to come up with the money to make him less depressed because I'm scared he's going to hurt himself and he is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. Now that it's happened more than once I feel that he might be playing me. I feel horrible for even thinking it.
    We have tried having me regulate his medicine, doesnt work because he throws his pain at me. We've tried going to physical therapy but he refuses to do the stretches because they hurt him. I've tried to tell him I would leave him, he stopped for a week, then used that im making him depressed and he becomes suicidal. He refuses to get out of construction work because it pays better for someone than a retail job. pretty much without it we wouldn't be able to pay our bills.
    I've tried so much and everything I have to say is wrong when it comes to his condition. Im pretty well educated but I am no doctor, but I listen to his doctors and when I try to convence him to try something different his excuse is that im making him feel bad about his life and he gets depressed.
    All he sees is that pills are the only thing that will help him. Period.
    This blog is more of a ranting thing because I have no friends or family I can talk to about this. No one even knows about it. I sometimes feel very alone and battle with my own depression.
    I would love to hear thought and advice. I am interested on how narcotics anonymous works. I really need support for myself to keep spirits up with my husband. I know he can control this.
    Thank you.

  2. #2
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Feel free to rant all you want because you do have friends here - and plenty of them too! We understand because most of us are addicts, and we have come to realize how much we have hurt those we love and care about all because of drugs. At the time we are under the control of those drugs we want THEM more than anything else. We rarely care about anyone - just getting our drugs each and every day no matter the consequences. It's usually when we hit "rock bottom" and lose what means the most to us before we ever want to stop using.

    You aren't going to make him stop - he has to want it himself, and it sounds like he is no where near ready to quit. Giving him an ultimatum is ok, but you have to make sure you follow through with it. If you say you're going to leave then do it, that may give him the push he needs to quit. It may take more than that.

    I lost everything to addiction - house, car, friends, family, but it wasn't until my GF gave me the choice - her or the drugs before I knew the time had come. I chose the drugs at the time and she left. I was devastated, and it gave me the shove I needed to see I had to stop. You betcha he's playing you - addicts are masters of lying and manipulating any situation to their advantage. He will make YOU feel guilty and like it's all your fault. Drugs mean more to him than ANYTHING right now I'm afraid. I know what he's thinking because I've been there, and so has most everyone else here, so we understand how it is.

    He first has to WANT to stop, then needs the help and support that a group such as NA or AA could give him. You on the other hand should check out a support group for yourself such as AlAnon or NarAnon. You will learn what it is that drives him, and how best to not enable him. You'll be among friends in the very same position that you are in. There should be meetings available near you that you could find online.

    Try and hide your money so he has no access to any of it. Change accounts if you have too. I'm afraid he's going to have to fall hard before he sees the damage that's already been done. I know you love him, but honestly he loves the drugs right now more than he does even you. I was the same way.

    Check out NarAnon or AlAnon. That's what YOU need right now. He has to find his own way in this. If he sees you changing your routine then maybe he will also. But again, he himself has to want this I'm afraid. Not much you can until he does. All the best to you in this fight. Please keep us updated. Hope you can get this worked out soon. You deserve a nice life. The best thing that ever happened for me was my GF threatening to leave and finally doing it. Gave me the push I needed to stop. Good luck!
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  3. #3
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Good post, Randy. Pretty much sums it up. Unusual for me, but I have little to nothing to add to that!

    Peace,

    Cat
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  4. #4
    amber329 is offline New Member
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    Default update

    Thanks for the comments. I know he thinks about it all the time. He tells me of dreams he has were he wakes up with bad cravings. I've hid as much money as I can but I still give into his fits because I know it'll make him stop the self abuse, mentally and him punching things making himself hurt also.
    He is a very nice guy and works hard when he is able. I can tell he is in pain, its just hard dealing with the fact we will be in this routine probably the rest of our lives. He will be going to pain management soon and it will help us more financially, I hope he sticks to his dosge though. Thats the thing that bothers me the most. He has made plans before and they never turn out well. I just don't put much faith in the "plans" anymore. He has good intentions but I just hate setting myself up for disappointment.
    I know there is no way to learn how to live with this from others because situations differ person to person. But I feel I am doing something wrong when we discuss this topic to make him so upset.
    But not being able to pay the bills and for food gets me upset. I hate to blame it on his pain but if he would be able to stay away from the medicines. With pain he cant work, with meds he can work but we cant afford them, ergo he cant work, because he gets dope sick and his pain feel even worse when going through that. It's one hell of a vicious circle.
    At nar-anon meeting, is the focus more on the fact that our loved ones are the bad guys? That is what I have heard, and I know my husband isn't a bad guy, I just am looking for insight in how to deal with it more efficiently. I know it will always be a stressor but dealing with pain shouldn't screw up every relationship, right? We are not very strong right now but if we are able to live with this it will make us stronger everyday. Just need that push in the right direction.
    Thanks again your comments have been helpful. It's so nice to get this out in the open.

  5. #5
    amber329 is offline New Member
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    thank you for the comments, they really are helpful. I know he thinks of it all the time, hes told me of dreams were he wakes up craving them badly. But He is a very nice guy and works as hars as he can for us. I can tell he is in pain, its just hard dealing with the fact we will in this routine probably the rest of our lives. He will be going to pain management soon and it will help us financially, I hope he sticks to his dosge though. Thats the thing that bothers me the most. He has made plans before and they never turn out well.
    I know there is no way to learn how to live with this from others because situations differ person to person. But I feel I am doing something wrong when we discuss this topic to make him so upset.
    But not being able to pay the bills and for food gets me upset. I hate to blame it on his pain but if he would be able to stay away from the medicines. With pain he cant work, with meds he can work but we cant afford them, ergo he cant work, because he gets dope sick and his pain feel even worse when going through that. It's one hell of a vicious circle.
    another question, at nar-anon meeting, is the focus more on the fact that our loved ones are the bad guys? That is what I have heard, and I know my husband isn't a bad guy, I just am looking for insight in how to live with it more efficiently. With a push in the right direction we should be able to pull pass a lot of the stress this puts on us. Of course it will always be there, it will make it more manageable.
    Thanks again your comments have been helpful. It's so nice to get this out in the open.

  6. #6
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by amber329 View Post
    But I feel I am doing something wrong when we discuss this topic to make him so upset.

    But not being able to pay the bills and for food gets me upset. I hate to blame it on his pain but if he would be able to stay away from the medicines. With pain he cant work, with meds he can work but we cant afford them, ergo he cant work, because he gets dope sick and his pain feel even worse when going through that. It's one hell of a vicious circle.
    Amber - You're not doing anything wrong when you try and discuss this with him. What you're doing is "pushing his buttons" and he doesn't like that one bit. He knows you're on to him and he has to control the situation as all addicts do. He will turn everything you say around and place ALL the blame on you. He will manipulate you in every way possible to continue using.

    He will tell you exactly what he wants you to know to reinforce his habit. He will make you believe what he wants you to believe - and addicts are masters of doing that.

    If he could somehow stop the drugs for a short period of time he may discover his true pain is actually not that bad. But he has to WANT TO STOP first! It's a mental battle between him and the drugs. The more pain his brain tells him he has, the more drugs it wants him to take to control that pain. It's a never-ending battle most of us have fought when using because of pain problems. He probably already knows his "real pain" is not that bad, but the drugs have such a hold on him right now he doesn't really care. All he cares about each and every day he gets up is how do I get my pills today, and how many of them can I get. It's a viscous cycle that takes over our mind and bodies. And nothing will stop us until we either want to stop, or the consequences of our actions is so grave it demands that we stop. He will eventually lose most everything if he doesn't end the cycle of addiction.

    The pills aren't controlling the pain any longer - the pills are keeping him from getting sick from not using!

    Get yourself to that NarAnon or AlAnon meeting. Are the focus of those meetings being our loved ones are the bad guys you ask? Of course not. The focus of those meetings is to educate YOU how best to deal with the situation, and hopefully provide answers to better help HIM, and not enable him. It's really the very best thig for you. I hope you go sooner than later. Take care and keep psoting.

  7. #7
    amber329 is offline New Member
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    Thanks randy. I know he has to want it. I am just in the background, hopefully as a reminder of something good in his life.
    Today we argued about money. He wants to hold onto his credit card and I told him no. And I shouldn't have said that, but I spoke before thinking. I should have talked with him about how I feel about him having the money first. I can't control his personal belongings, even though I feel like it will be safer in my hand than his. Like you mentioned before, he might not realise what he is really doing until he reaches rock bottom. I'm trying to stay away from that place, but who isn't. He still upset and im giving him space, which works only half the time, so hopefully I can explain myself better when he is "cooled off"
    I have already searched for NarAnon meetings near me and are planning on going. Hopefully if it helps me, my husband will come one day. But one step at a time.

  8. #8
    rocksolidihope is offline New Member
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    amber329, I am wondering if it might be useful for your partner to read this thread. That might provide a shock. Or maybe not -- I don't know.

  9. #9
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by amber329 View Post
    Today we argued about money. He wants to hold onto his credit card and I told him no. And I shouldn't have said that, but I spoke before thinking. I should have talked with him about how I feel about him having the money first. I can't control his personal belongings, even though I feel like it will be safer in my hand than his.
    I understand that you're in a place you've never been before. You want to help without enabling him further. I recently read a post by our member Ruth (ARTIST658). She's works in the field of addiction and has helped many of us here. I found this gem she recently posted that may give you a good idea of what may be right for you to do -


    ~~~IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL~~~

    IF you love me let me fall all by myself.

    Don’t try to spread a net out to catch me, don’t throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don’t have to feel it, don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me).

    Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit….trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can’t see it.

    The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me…..The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours….the sooner I will arrive….and on time….just right where I need to be…me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead…resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

    If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.

    In the beginning as I start to climb out….I just might slide back down, but don’t worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound. Don’t you see?? Don’t you know?? You can’t do this for me…I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

    I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don’t know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me….but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good. Don’t clip my wings before I can learn to fly….nudge me out of your safety net….trust the process and pray for me…..that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar

    @MothersAgainstDOPe
    Mothers Against DOPE, Drugs Overtaking People Everywhere


    It pretty much sums it up. I know it will be horrible for you to let him fend from himself. Sooner or later he will fall hard and hopefully realize where he's headed. It will be very difficult for YOU to watch it happen. That's one reason the support group of NarAnon or AlAnon will help so much - others will be there sharing their same stories that you can speak with face to face.

    I really hope this helps. Look for Ruth's thread in the Need to Talk side of the forum. Post directly to her and she will give you the benefit of her years of sobriety and wisdom of being in the business. She can say it much, much better than I ever can. Wishing the very best for you Amber.

  10. #10
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Amber,

    Randy is right yet again. About everything. We, darlin' have been where your husband is right now and because we are now in recovery we are able to freely admit exactly how manipulative we really are/were when actively using. There is little room for any variance here. I TOO am a good person and I'm betting Randy is as well and most others in recovery here. That doesn't mean that we haven'y succumbed to the deviousness of addiction because we did...or at least I know that I did. I sunk to levels that to this day make me cringe with disgust.

    Pain, yeah. This does not equal more pain pills. There are a lot of us here that began our love affair with opiates for very legitimate pain issues and then perhaps for reasons all our own fell in love--hard. I abused for twenty plus years and yes, I have physical issues that most any physician would freely prescribe most anything I asked for. Who would suspect me, after all? Right? I'm 60 for gosh sakes. I'm a professional and I have the innate gift of gab. I also have degenerative disc disease in my back that causes discomfort to pain each and every day. That's a true story. "I needed my pain medication. " The real reason, to be perfectly honest, was to not get dope sick. I really had no clue what my level of pain was. Newly is recovery, I would cry and wonder if I could get out of bed and work without my pills. With persistence, I learned that I absolutely can. I won't be running the Boston Marathon but otherwise I lead a very ordinary, active life.

    Here's a true story for you that five years ago I would have never believed. About a week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with these stupid slipper socks and hit the newly waxed kitchen floor at full tilt racing for the bathroom. Bambi on Ice arrived and kaboom, down I went like a rock. I'm pretty sure that I knocked myself out for a minute or two. I gingerly got to my hands and knees to get up and noticed a puddle of blood on the floor. "Oh sh*t!". I split the back of my head open, bruised my right arm and elbow and split that open too. My back, well bruised tail bone--ouch! Not once did I even consider the ER. Five years ago, OH BOY!!! This could have supplied me for weeks!! Instead I got the ice bags outta the freezer and stopped the bleeding. Still hobbling and still clean. Victory is mine.

    Point is, once your brain isn't begging for pills, your brain can clearly assess that we can tolerate a lot more pain or discomfort than we are willing to admit to when using actively. Randy hit the nail on the head (and so did you, by the way)....hubby is more afraid of being dope sick than finding out how much pain he is really in. At this point, he simply can't have any real idea of what that is and it takes clean time for that stuff to settle down.

    AND NO!!!! NarAnon will NOT make the addict the bad guy. That is not their intent. They will give you advice, kinship and to convince you that YOU AREN'T THE BAD GUY EITHER. They will help you survive this one way or the other and you will be stronger and a lot more helpful in the "adventure".

    Peace,

    Cat
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  11. #11
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Amber - How's about an update. Are you making any progress? Cat has given you great insight into what your husband is thinking. Hopefully you can get into one of the support groups soon. When you get a minute let us know how it's going.

    Cat - Great story, thanks for sharing. Got me to thinking back when I injured myself a few times. Once I couldn't get a ride (lost my car) to the ER after an injury so I called a cab!! True!! It was quite a distance away and cost me $$$ but I could care less because I knew I could at least get a few pills. Then had to take a cab to the pharmacy! Lol. Yes I can now admit now some of the stupid things I have done to keep my addiction going. Love reading your posts!
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  12. #12
    amber329 is offline New Member
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    After reading these comments there are so many thoguhts flying through my head.
    My husband is actually on this website more than I am, not as a blogger, and not sure what he reads up on though. That is how I found it. So who knows maybe he has seen it.
    " If you love me, let me fall" was very touching. I feel like going "yes, I should let do this all on his own because we all know, for the most part, what would happen. Then I think about where I would go. I have no where, that would leave me with front row seats and I couldn't handle that. I have noticed myself over the past few years I just have to let him do what ever he wants. I Know I still get involved but I try working on it everyday.
    Since I have been on this website, I feel there is a lot less tension. I am able to let out how I feel with out provoking him as much.
    I go a long with his "plans" of cutting back even though ib secretly know it won't work out. I think that is another way I am cutting him loose. Im trying to do all I can just to stay a float, because if he goes down, I end up going with him.
    Congratulations Cat on your sobriety. I very much understand how he will do anything to get what he wants. Before my husband and I were together he qas abusing prescription pills, and alcohol, he was sober for a year when I met him. Hes been taking them abusively since he was in high school. Anyways when we moved out on our own,about a year after we had been together, things seemed fine. And I had no idea about how addicting the medicine from doctors could be. So a half a year since we moved out, he gets in a small car accident. Just him, and filpped him car onto the roof. His definitely had a concussion but we went to the ER anways just incase. And that was the first encounter that I remember he had with painmedicines. It all started after that.
    Luckly he hasn't bee using the ER since but I understand that the only way he knows how to cope with the sensation of pain.
    For the past two months, he has been joblesss, so we have been living off my minimum wage job. He has only been taking his non prescribed medicine, from the street, every three days or so. Which he has been doing cause there is no money, but is an improvement. As soon as we get checks in I know it'll be a different story until we run out. I have been hiding my money. But when he brings his own money home from his new job ita a littler harder to keep from him because its his pay. I usually just pay our bills right away, because I know it wont be there when they are due. Is that a way I am enabling him? Should I not be doing that?

    There is a meeting tomorrow night I am going to go to. I am glad and also nervous im not sure why. I will be updating after it definitely. Thanks all for the helpful comments.

  13. #13
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hi Amber,

    It was good to get an update from you and I'm glad that some comments here are helping you. Think about what you are saying and doing. Re-read your post and pretend someone else wrote it. Let's see. You only earn a minimum wage AND your money pays all the bills. YOU won't have anywhere to go if you leave him. Hmmm. How's that? He doesn't contribute monetarily to your household so how would not having him around be a financial burden? Emotional? Yep. Probably but not financial. OK back to some more statements you made. He is working some and getting paid. That money is his. Do I have that right? So, again, you are paying for everything while he gets to use his money for him. Yeah. That's fair!?!

    I'm being sarcastic here but honestly, please just take a look at these circumstances as though you were reading Dear Abby. What would you have to say to that person who is writing that letter? Is this enabling? YES!! You are making sure he has a roof and food and he makes sure he has his pills. If he had to pay his own way to live, it would leave a lot less money to be doing something he shouldn't be doing. That is the test, honey. Full belly and warm and all for free. Life is great, isn't it?

    Peace,

    Cat
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  14. #14
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by amber329 View Post
    I go a long with his "plans" of cutting back even though ib secretly know it won't work out. I think that is another way I am cutting him loose. Im trying to do all I can just to stay a float, because if he goes down, I end up going with him.
    Great post from Cat huh? She pretty much nailed it and said a bit of what I was thinking. I'm afraid it's only going to get worse from here on, probably MUCH worse. He's got it made right now. Place to live, food to eat, all the bills being paid, and money for pills to keep on being happy. And you say "if he goes down, I end up going with him". Do you believe he really cares? He only cares about ONE thing right now - getting his next score of pills.

    You have to let him go down without taking you with him. You deserve so much better.

    Great post Cat. Take her advice Amber and re-read your post from someone else's eyes. Are any of your friends or family members giving you any input about him?

  15. #15
    amber329 is offline New Member
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    I do have a job but it doesnt pay all the bills. I must have said it wrong because I would have to work three months just to pay one months rent. With out food or other billa being paid.. He is the one who makes all the money. Almost three times as much as me when he is working. Thats why I have no where to go. my family lives on the other side of the country. I am currently in school and I cannot drop it to move away. I'm not saying I want to leave him, I want to learn more about coping with it more effectively first . my family doesn't know anything, his family does but they are not helpful to say the least.

  16. #16
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by amber329 View Post
    . He has arthritis in his spine and some other problems in his back that cause constant pain. Being young
    Young male with arthritis in the spine sounds like Ankylosing Spondylitis. If so, this is a serious disease that can cause extreme pain. He needs the right specialist and a comprehensive approach for pain management. While he may also have addictive personality traits, it's possible his pain is not being adequately addressed and it is possible he is not exaggerating his real pain. Real pain and addiction can co-exist in the same person. If the pain is severe enough, it MUST be got under control, or he has no hope of getting his life together. He needs multiple tools, maybe with, maybe without opiates, but multiple tools, with which to attack his pain.

    It is true that long term opiate therapy may make things worse rather than better. It's best to let the body produce it's own natural endorphins and address painful conditions with lifestyle changes. But if he has a rheumatic disease, understand "arthritis" in this context is NOT the little twinge we old folks get in our knuckles. It is an inflammatory and destructive process that must be gotten under control. Until the inflammation is cooled down, the body cannot manage the pain on its own.

    A man who wants to do construction work, and a man who wants to bring in the money, does not sound like someone who is lazy or making stuff up. Yes, he has a real dependency problem with the opiates, definitely, and probably is ALSO a real addict, based on your description of earlier recreational abuse - or was it? AS can strike in the teen years, and can be hard to diagnose, can take years to diagnose. Has he seen a rheumatologist? Has he had the genetic test for AS?

    Make no mistake, I am not negating anything the others have said. He definitely seems out of control with the drug use. That he is allowing your finances to be affected and if he is going beyond legal prescriptions, he does need to address and treat this as an addiction. But it is possible this is a TWIN problem and if he treats only the addiction but ignores the real disease then it will be like killing one head of a two headed monster.

    You both need to get a handle on your finances, together. I myself am going through this right now. I found a program that is forcing me to budget, to assign every incoming dollar a job. I don't think I'm supposed to recommend other websites or link to anything but if you Google subjects like you need a budget you should find forums and lots of guidance to help you get control of the money.

    He is out of work, this is usually very tough on males. It emasculates them. And now you are trying to take away his credit cards. Not saying that you shouldn't. If you are joint holder then you are financially liable and SHOULD take them if he is not using them responsibly.

    We cannot tell on an internet forum whether your husband displays a lifelong pattern of irresponsible, addictive behavior, and wants to be a parasite, or if he has been bravely hiding pain that may be more severe than he ever lets on, and has got himself caught between drugs that are not even helping his pain, and have at the same time got him dependent so he struggles with the constant threat of withdrawal, on top of the original pain. We cannot tell. If the former, I'd say leave him now. But if the latter, get him help, get on top of the money, work as a team on these problems. Best of luck to you both.

  17. #17
    amber329 is offline New Member
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    Thank you thisweekforsure. We are definately seeking medical help for his back. He has degenerative disc disease and has a high chance for hernaiting disc. Also he has some tight muscles, maybe his erector spinae, which are making his spine abnormally straight.
    We can only hope is able to get the right prescription he needs and is able to keep a low enough tolerance were he doesn't need to seek out more, from other prescription holders.
    Even though I know he has problems, I still tend to get upset, when ever he seeks them out. I know he I just trying to make money so we can pay bills and eat and maybe someday move away from all these people he's known for years who can "hook him up". And when I get upset it makes him feel like a horrible person. He says that he never is able to make me happy, only upset. Which is not true, I just really need to work on my handling of out situation. Depression, anger and stress only makes him crave them more.
    When he was a teen, from his stories it seema that it was recreational. But he's has pain problems since he was in grade school. Its only recently, around age 19, it began to flare up a ton. Now hes 21 and it has only been getting worse. Because of working hard labor jobs and taking these pain medicines, making him only feel better.
    He knows it will never be 100% better, and it really geta him down. Thinking how he has to deal with this his whole life. Being an optimist, I try to reassure him it can get better, to the point of it being a lot more tolerable, once we find the right treatment. Doing excerses for back stretches and strengthening hurt him a lot so it hard to tell if it will work for him long term.
    He doesn't like the idea of me going to a naranon meeting. Makes him feel like a monster. I have explained to him why I want to go, to help me, help us out emotionally.
    I am not going to just leave him with out being able to say I exhausted everyway I could to help us deal with our situation. I don't want to make him do anything. I believe me being able to assess the problems we have and willl have in furture with better communicational skills and knowledge on my end, will take a tremendous amount of stress off of us both. Also with the financial budgeting help, I am going to look into it. Thank you for the suggestions.
    Amber

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