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I's Lost and beaten by opiates and suboxone.
  1. #1
    Blueopiate18 is offline New Member
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    Default I's Lost and beaten by opiates and suboxone.

    Long time lurker, long time addict, and at the end of my rope.

    I write to all you humbled and so very tired. Tired of the whole opiate game, tired of the highs and more lows, tired of try this and try that. Tired that I finally see I am beaten, something I am not use to.

    I have been addicted to vicodin, perks, any type of opiate pain pill I can get my hands on for about 7 years. Started with back pain issues but, well, you know the story for that. Soon I didn't need them for any real medical reason but it was love at first high. Easy doctor to get what ever I wanted. If I ran out early? Just went to him and said these aren't working, playing my game like a great >>>>> player.

    After a while, I knew there was a problem and I was able to ween one time rather painlessly. I think we all get that one time but one time is all that is written in the evil book of opiate accountability. So I soon found my way to one of many suboxone docs. Got on that and thought this was the answer. As I weened down I found my thoughts lingering towards pills again. I think they were always waiting in the dark corners, peeking around and waiting for their time to strike.

    Bouncing back and fourth for a couple years then became the norm for me. Even had a system for using the loads of sub they gave me between scripts of pain pills. But now I am much more addicted to pain pills. 90 perks last me about 4-5 days.

    For me, it always seemed suboxone kept me in the opiate life style. I became so sick of it I attempted to cold turkey myself this past weekend after 2 weeks of opiate feasting, which yes, required me to get another person to get me scripts of them. But my wife became very scared at what she saw. I had comfort meds and just wanted to hide out for 5 days and let it run it's course. So she forced me back on some sub I had left but I am refusing to do this long term. I just want out. All in all, I plan on being on it 4-5 days and then again, taking what come. I am off of work for a while right now so that's not an issue.

    I really can't believe what I have become. I have snorted, plugged, grapefruit juice to make them last longer, you name it. Everything but injecting. Never crossed that line. So I'm on day 2 of a fast detox, still sweating but able to function. But I don't know how many battles I have left. I feel this is "my last stand". I quickly realized suboxone is just a pause button. My Dark Passenger always knew the wall I put up with it would slowly shrink (taper). I really feel I will never be the same. Addiction runs in my family. My demons danced with the devil and it appears the devil is winning. I look at my family and feel they would be better off without me. No doubt this has brought strain to my family. But I am also starting to think my wife may just be my trigger. I picture my life without that trigger and feel I would have a fighting chance. Or that could be the devil just telling me more lies.

  2. #2
    numbOne is offline Member
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    BlueOpiate18, I feel you and can relate very well. Hope you are staying strong and doing well. please post back i'll be here all week and hope we can work thru this together...

  3. #3
    The Husband is offline Member
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    I wouldn't try to make decisions like your life partner while addicted to opiates or trying to get off them. Your mind will play some evil tricks.

    If your wife see's how sick you get and just wants you to take another pill please try to get here to read about opiate addiction just one good story from the help board should get the point across...

    If not do you have any good friends or family members who will lock you up in a room and make sure you can't get meds for 10 - 14 days? I really think someone should make a home confinement detox guide as some people may just be that bad...

    Then we the knowing suffers that have came out the other side can put together the best guide for a loved one to help someone who can't help themselves. if you are on less then the 100 mg oxy withdrawls should be on the scale moderate anything over 150 mg oxy I would highly suggest and aggressive tapper of 20-30mg every other day until below 90mg then you can c/t or continue the controlled suffering of the tapper before full w/d. If you have a loved one suffering from addiction know this my family has a history of addiction my dad was a full blown H addict and died premature because of using. So if you find weakness in your heart look to others who have ever reason to use! Including medical conditions yet choose not to because the road may vary but you always end up at the same destination and that is addicted or dead.

    One can learn on their own or learn from someone wiser. It is your choice but ultimately wisdom is knowledge, knowledge is power, and power is freedom.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-17-2013 at 01:33 PM.

  4. #4
    myreality is offline New Member
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    Humbled and tired... that's exactly how I felt when I came here.

    I'm now about 18 hours pill free. And glad I did it. Maybe I'll feel worse tomorrow, but every moment ticking away gets me closer to freedom.

    I agree with the statements above - don't try to make any decisions regarding your loved ones or anything important. When the mind is clouded, the judgments we make are not wise ones. Better safe than sorry.

    Wishing you luck and perseverance in your fight to get clean.

  5. #5
    Life sucks is offline New Member
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    I have felt the same way as you I took over 50 10mg lortabs I have lie to my family sometimes I didn't care what I had to do to find pills but now I have been clean for 25 days and know the addiction caused the problems with my wife hope u get and stay clean
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-28-2013 at 07:19 PM.

  6. #6
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    Just wanted to say I was touched by your story. Love the "dark passenger" reference. That is exactly how I felt. I am currently tapering, and like you I dont believe subs or methadone are the answer. The methadone is turning into my nightmare. Just keep strong, go to meetings if you can. It will get better.

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