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Lost in Philly
  1. #1
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Default Lost in Philly

    I think your whole thread got deleted and I'm betting it's because you used the whole, you know, I'm not going to type it because for all I know things get auto-deleted when certain words are used. But here's my answer again. I managed to save it. If the thread gets deleted again then once again and probably forever, I'm outta here. I spend an hour or more typing a response to a suffering vet who served our country, only to have my work vanish is just too much. If it's allowed to stand, Iamaghost02, or Lost in Philly, and you see this and want to post some more, just write it in first person. I THINK that's what the problem is but who knows.

    People could ask (ME) why (I) did it, and (I) could never give them an honest single answer without a thesis. If (I) could give them an answer, then (I) could generate a path toward fixing it... . (I just don't) want to think (I'm) a weak person,
    I heard something on one of those addiction reality shows, can't remember which, but it resonated. A woman lost several of her children in a bad car wreck or something I don't remember but anyway, fell into a heavy addiction. The interventionist said, in the context of her extreme loss and grief, perhaps taking the opiate was the only RATIONAL thing to do. It was preferable to suicide. Now, that is NOT to be taken as an excuse. But it IS to be taken as saying she didn't become a drug addict because she was weak. She was at the absolute limit of human emotional pain. The drug offered relief, whatever the horrible future consequences, it got her through the time of unendurable pain. Of course, it is a very problematic "solution" and not at all the right one, but the point is, that interventionist was telling the addict's family not to judge her for that choice, for at the time, she really had no choice. And I am telling you not to judge yourself for the same choice. The physical pain and emotional pain you have endured is all the reason "why" if you feel you need to give a single answer.

    But where to go from here. You know this cannot continue. It is not a long term solution. You have done what you had to in order to survive but now the drug is destroying your marriage, and it will destroy your finances and your health and may even take your very life. What you have not been able to do while on the drug is to fully process your grief over the death of your babies, and other trauma from the military. At some point you need to heal. You cannot heal while on the drug.

    If you make the decision to commit to being sober, I think you need support right now. Find an AA group or an NA group. Posting here is an excellent first step but you need real life buddies to support you in staying clean. The 7 day detox is the easy part. Staying clean will require you to change your habits of dealing with stress, grief, and pain and learn entirely new ways. You have a lot of healing to do and a much happier life to look forward to, but it will be probably the biggest fight of your life to get there. You have to want it very badly. Not for your wife or your children but for yourself. You deserve a better life. The time for soothing all this pain with the drug needs to end. The drug has turned on you and now no longer functions as medicine but is destructive. Time to let it go. Do you agree?

  2. #2
    Iamaghost02 is offline New Member
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    Default

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for the amazing reply on this. I can't really tell you what it means. I really have to think some of the things over that you said in there, especially about the interventionist but it does make sense. I literally have 50 things flying around my head right now just thinking about that part of the conversation.

    On the other note, I have thought about going to a AA or NA meeting and discussed that with my wife the other night. At which point I was promptly laughed at and told that would never happen. You really have to understand my life, what I have been able to do for my family, and what I have been able to accomplish for my family's family while all of this has been going on. It is absolutely crushing because I can't talk to anyone about it. On the other side, I was trained not to air out these types of issues and to handle them myself so it's a normal thing now but this goes deeper.

    Losing two children, hardly being able to walk any longer, not having full use of your hand, having PTSD from being in some really nasty combat zones, not being able to even teach your kid how to play soccer because it hurts to bad to run, and then try to maintain your weight and image while keeping a stay at home wife for almost a decade. Trust me, I think that you are right that my emotional max got hit. Either way, I will try to write another post that is within the rules. Thank you again...you are really an amazing person that I will never forget and I will keep checking for any advice that I can find.

  3. #3
    Thisweekforsure is offline Advanced Member
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    Default

    I'm glad you're still here. I would recommend reading a lot of the stories of people on this forum as a way to begin transforming your thinking about the pills and your use of them. That way you can look at it from a different point of view. In your post that vanished you said something about finding a path out of this. Reading a lot of others' stories will illuminate their paths, so you will see that there can be a path for you too. You don't have to decide about AA or NA right now. Not every addict chooses to go to those groups. What I would hope you could find at those meetings would be not counseling, but rather something like a workout buddy, or combat mate, someone that's got your back; give you encouragement and hold you accountable. That's the sort of face to face support I think you might respond to. But if you aren't ready to talk in real life to anyone, do stay on this forum. It's helped tons of people.

    You wanted to know about headaches. Two things I've found that are common causes of relentless daily headaches that are often overlooked, are chronic mild dehydration, and night clenching. You might want to see if addressing either of those helps you? But if they are true migraines, other treatments are needed. If they are worse since you stopped the pills, yes, everything hurts worse, but in time things get better. Even all your chronic pain may get better than when you were on the pills. Unfortunately, opiates are great for short term pain relief, but tend to become ineffective for chronic pain.

    You do have a lot to think about and a lot going on. I hear you about the conflict between being trained to be self reliant and handle things yourself and the frustration of not being able to talk to anyone about these issues. It's okay to reinvent yourself but it won't happen overnight. It's okay to ask for help. But you will be cautious about when, where and from whom, and that's okay too. Take your time. Think about these things and let your mind go in different directions.

    It would be great if you want to post your story again, "staying within rules". ha ha... but if you're not up to rewriting it I can sure understand. I'm sorry this post is two days late, I got real busy with my real life job. Hope you're still around!

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