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Please Help! My husband addicted to vicodin and he will not talk to me
  1. #1
    SaysomethingNOW is offline New Member
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    Default Please Help! My husband addicted to vicodin and he will not talk to me

    Its been three months since the "ncident" where my daughter called the cops because of his anger and behavior. He ended up getting arrested even though I told the cops ( we know them well-husband retired FF Chief) I was not pressing charges. The cops put a no contact order because of the domestic. He got in my face talking about my father who has been dead since 93 and my husband never met. My husband has been out of control since he retired. Everything revolved around those freaking pills. Then he would mix and forget it--he just slurring and stupid and just would not stop.

    Anyhow- that was October 6, 2016--since then---we talked and he was somewhat nice--needed me to lift that no contact. I did and I told the prosecutor that I wanted him to see a therapist about his substance abuse. He has been at his mother's house for now 3 months and I have gone through being supportive and telling him I love him and we can get through this--to lets go to therapy. He says he is done with therapy and we will address our marriage. He wants a divorce because of all of this. He feels I betrayed him. I did partake with him, but not to the extent he did. He also took too many klonopin, antihistamines, and god knows what else. I thought the arrest was the sign that we needed change

    He has been over to the house to help here and there and we were intimate. Now we have stopped that and he wants to just talk and text about house, kid stuff only. I am back in college full time and work only part time at the college, so he supports the house.He is continuing to support the house, but makes sure I have to use credit for gas and food sometimes so I can need him.

    He basically wants a divorce now and is saying he is off the pills and he still doesn't want me. When we were talking and texting a lot I told him he needed to commit to no narcotics and then we can address the marriage. IT IS KILLING ME THAT HE WANTS A DIVORCE AND WE DON'T GET TO TALK ABOUT WHY? SO, BECAUSE HE WON'T SAY IT IS BECAUSE OF THE BETRAYAL.

    ugg. i feel like ending my life most days. I can't even take it anymore. I know he does love me, but right now he doesn't love himself, so how can he care about the family. We went through the holidays without his presence and that was hard. Now it is the new year. A couple of times when he came over to fix stuff I could not fix, he asked for front door key (I told him one of our daughters had it--I was not ready for him to come back without talking). He said I will take a pee test. blah blah.
    I basically get the feeling my choices are beg for him back ( with most likely rejection) and he will come back as is or divorce.

    I blasted him the other day in text when he told me not to go to a local establishment for a fundraiser. I told him I was done. He treats me so badly ( and the girls--one is still at home). I have cried every day since I told him this. I told him we should at least try therapy and then if a divorce is inevitable so be it, and lets do it amicably. I said it a lot. I don't understand. I will give him a divorce and it will kill me because we do love each other but I am not a patient person and I can't stand the thought of him out there finding pills--having an emotional relationship with another woman making me to be out some sort of >>>>>..OMG I can't even.

    My friends tell me to leave it alone, let him be, but we do have to talk about bills and house. and I have been very short, concise with that--but everyday I get a little stronger, and then whenever I am alone I break down again. I just want him to talk to me about it. Even if its about divorce--let's do it. let's figure it out. We have a house and stuff, but right now can not afford to pay for lawyers. I figure we will just get a mediater (spelling) and go from there. I don''t get it. Even when I try to tell him okay--well you are not willing to go to therapy, you don't want to try so I do not want an addict for a husband. How come? does he just want me to sit in limbo? I can't.
    It's all too much for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to tell him, please let's just do something. In all actuality, the more time that passes, the worse off its going to be to try to save our marriage so I guess it's a done deal. Please help. what do I do. Tired of crying and feeling like this.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Oh Boy. I've been where you are so I know what you're going through. Your friends I think are right and you should just leave it alone. What I'm about to suggest is going to take tremendous strength and it took me years (way too long) to figure out what to do about my situation that was very similar to yours.

    Number one is to stop trying to fix this situation. You can't. Not by yourself. You want to save your marriage and I get it but it sounds to me that he is ready to end it and move on. He may come to realize he's made a huge mistake but for right now, he wants to be done. The problem is that he knows he has responsibility to you and your kids and his emotions are mixed up in wanting to be gone and he can't because he feels guilty and responsible.

    I understand that you need him financially right now and it really sux! It does have you stuck in limbo because you struggle not only with losing him but your security. At some point, you may have to come to terms with what the price is of that security. Will your life change? You bet it will. What you will get in return is peace. It's a journey to get there and it's not easy and I don't mean to imply it is but in the end that is the very least that all of us deserve--peace.

    Here's what I did and suggest you try too. Move into the business only zone with him. Communicate about only the things that you need to and at least for now, leave your relationship discussions on the back burner. The time will come to address them but not until you're ready to accept some things including the possibility that your marriage is over. You are putting yourself in a very frustrating place. During this time do whatever you can to become more independent of him. Do your best to show him that you CAN move forward without him and you just might be better off without him. Even if you don't believe that yourself, you want him to believe that. With time, you just might discover that there is a happy, peaceful life without him.

    Right how you are tangled financially with him but there are things that you can do to begin to untangle that. Don't need him for things that you can do or get done on your own. Do not call him or reach out to him unless it's absolutely necessary and leave all emotion out of it. Trust me. He'll notice. Have your breakdowns when he's not around. Vow to yourself that there will be no arguments and try to remain to at least appear positive whenever you talk to him or are around him. If he becomes confrontational, tell him you're done arguing and want no part of it. "Call me when you want to talk but I'm not fighting." Right now, he is in control and he knows it. By becoming a bit aloof he will begin to realize that his actions are beginning to effect that control. I recognized that I would use what I called the "guilt card" and I did it often. Boohoo me. Look what you've done to me. The result is that I did make him feel guilty and I kept myself the victim. Until one day I stopped. Being the victim isn't fun and we sometimes have to find the backbone to put an end to it. At first you'll have to fake it until you make it. These transitions don't happen overnight.

    Neither of you can afford an attorney right now. That's kinda good. It took me around 8 years before I filed for divorce. So what? I wasn't ready or wanting to marry anyone else and if he did, not my problem. If it becomes important for him to be divorced, then let him get the ball rolling. For you, though in the meantime begin to move forward. If he doesn't want to work at fixing your relationship then you should give yourself permission to begin to move on. I'm not suggesting that you haunt the bars for a boyfriend, just to begin to live your life as best you can as a single parent and a woman not in a committed relationship. It's pretty amazing how strong we become once we begin to stop being the victim and recognize that we have more control over our lives than we thought we did. Again, I know it's not easy and there will be some changes that you won't like but there will be others that will make up for it. I can't say it enough--whatever it takes make your life peaceful.

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #3
    SaysomethingNOW is offline New Member
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    Cat,

    Thank you so much, your response and advice is extremely helpful. I can't thank you enough. I have strong days, and then for some reason, I collapse and just cry. I just focus on the fact our family is broken. He barely talks to our youngest, and it took my help for both of them to start talking again. But they don't really talk, they text like a couple times a week??? Weird, right. He has totally written off the other girls altogether. He has written off my whole family because they knew about his addiction and tried to talk to him about it the past couple of years.

    I think you hit the nail on the head, I have to accept that my marriage may be over. That right there--so hard, but I need to remember that I don't want it the way it was--and he knows that. Look at how sad I am. It's like a freaking roller coaster, but one you never, ever want to be on--yet here I am!! Ughhh.

    So, what do I do when I see him out and about in town? We will run into each other at some point. Do I ignore him like I don't know him? I can't even begin to fathom ignoring him. I suppose I could say, Hi, how are you? and move on. That might be okay. When I see him at the house, I can certainly be strong. I already have done that twice, which I feel was good. As I type this I feel like it is such a stupid question, but it really isn't. I am learning to be without him and I am not even sure how to do it. I know I can do it. It just too bad. These effin pills are evil, truly!! Starting Tuesday, I am going to be so busy that I won't have time to think about it so that is definitely something that will help. I am also going to use this forum as a support. 19 years--together--15.5 married. down the drain. Okay---whatever. You are right. I can't help, I tried for two months. The last time I texted him, it was bad, I told him he was a a sorry excuse for a man, husband, and father because he has just thrown us aside like last night's take out box! He is basically choosing pills over his family. . I was so angry. Yes, he is definitely still taking the pills, because he is out doing things and he doesn't do anything without pills on board. It is bad--really bad

    I know you are right--I just wish I had a magic wand to suppress the pain, because I do not want to take any pills! That is for sure. I want to move forward via my own strength and my faith.

    Thank you for reading and supporting me through this most difficult time I would not wish upon anyone, ever!
    Catrina and DravenDomnq like this.

  4. #4
    grandma -bk is offline Member
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    you need to let go...I'm 57 yrs old and every break up I ever had ended up with a happier and better man afterwards...you can not and never will force him to quit any drugs...he has to do that him self...the more you beg and plead with him the worse it will get....find your new normal life..and if he don't wanna be in it...its his loss....I guarantee it gets better...you deserve better...
    DravenDomnq likes this.

  5. #5
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SaysomethingNOW View Post
    Cat,

    Thank you so much, your response and advice is extremely helpful. I can't thank you enough. I have strong days, and then for some reason, I collapse and just cry. I just focus on the fact our family is broken. He barely talks to our youngest, and it took my help for both of them to start talking again. But they don't really talk, they text like a couple times a week??? Weird, right. He has totally written off the other girls altogether. He has written off my whole family because they knew about his addiction and tried to talk to him about it the past couple of years.

    I think you hit the nail on the head, I have to accept that my marriage may be over. That right there--so hard, but I need to remember that I don't want it the way it was--and he knows that. Look at how sad I am. It's like a freaking roller coaster, but one you never, ever want to be on--yet here I am!! Ughhh.

    So, what do I do when I see him out and about in town? We will run into each other at some point. Do I ignore him like I don't know him? I can't even begin to fathom ignoring him. I suppose I could say, Hi, how are you? and move on. That might be okay. When I see him at the house, I can certainly be strong. I already have done that twice, which I feel was good. As I type this I feel like it is such a stupid question, but it really isn't. I am learning to be without him and I am not even sure how to do it. I know I can do it. It just too bad. These effin pills are evil, truly!! Starting Tuesday, I am going to be so busy that I won't have time to think about it so that is definitely something that will help. I am also going to use this forum as a support. 19 years--together--15.5 married. down the drain. Okay---whatever. You are right. I can't help, I tried for two months. The last time I texted him, it was bad, I told him he was a a sorry excuse for a man, husband, and father because he has just thrown us aside like last night's take out box! He is basically choosing pills over his family. . I was so angry. Yes, he is definitely still taking the pills, because he is out doing things and he doesn't do anything without pills on board. It is bad--really bad

    I know you are right--I just wish I had a magic wand to suppress the pain, because I do not want to take any pills! That is for sure. I want to move forward via my own strength and my faith.

    Thank you for reading and supporting me through this most difficult time I would not wish upon anyone, ever!
    This is all too bad. We don't ditch serious relationships lightly. Or we shouldn't anyway. If and when you meet him around Town, smile and say Hi. How are you but be sure that "How are you?" is rhetorical--just part of a greeting and acknowledging that you see him. Then move on. If he has something to say other than "Hi" back, as detached as you can tell him you don't want to discuss things in public. Just do your best to not participate in the drama and be sure to give out the signals that you have come to terms with things and you are moving on.

    Stop pointing out what he's done. He knows it. What you have tried til now hasn't worked so it's time to try something new. That new thing is to take care of yourself and your kids. You're going to be OK. The more independent you become, the more you can NOT allow him to press your buttons, the better you are going to become. Just do you. He's his own problem.

    Be strong. I know it's hard and I most definitely understand that a part of this that is the most painful is that these guys seem to be able to discard their own kids. His loss and I'm certain that one day he's going to see that.

    Please do continue to check in. Take care of yourself and stay away from the pills. You certainly don't need that on board too. You have to be clean to be healthy body and mind and it'll be one more thing that you don't need him for anymore. Do every single small thing that you can to take control of your life back. You're in charge of you, he's not.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Iluv2smile and Randy35 like this.

  6. #6
    SaysomethingNOW is offline New Member
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    I will. Thank you.

  7. #7
    SaysomethingNOW is offline New Member
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    Hi There,

    Well, it has been one week and two days since I stopped texting my husband about anything major. Just silly bills and that is it. It feels like it has been 100 years!! No joke.

    He keeps texting me every two days like clockwork. I can tell you that yesterday when he texted me, I did not melt, and feel like I wanted to just reach out to him and tell him I am here for him. I have been playing it real cool and sending back quick, specific replies. I cried for three days straight, and tear up every day. It hurts so much.


    OMG YOU ARE SO RIGHT. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done. Not be there for the person that I love and help him at his neediest of times. But I know he needs to find himself. Just wanted to let you know that slowly but surely, I am somehow doing it, with tears here and there. I now have thought of different phrases and thoughts that I can say to myself when he does text so I keep the emotion our of it. Like I can't fix him. Think with your head, think with your head, not your heart. I also have started meditating to help with my emotions.

    I know I am doing the right thing, but it feels like a I am disrespecting my vows....YUCK!! Just saying

    Still lost and hopeless but doing it! Thanks for being here, and I am happy for you all. Be very proud and Stay brave!

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