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Scared
  1. #1
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Default Scared

    Hi everyone, I have been reading the posts on this site for about a week now. The support is amazing. Finally decided I was going to post. Pls bare with me, hopefully this won't be all over the place. Might be long, but I'll try for it not to be.

    So about 10 months ago woke up with shoulder and back pain. I didn't go to the dr because I figured >> be ok, but a friend of mine had norcos and gave me some. I've taken them in the past for teeth work, pain etc.. Long story short, I started tsking them every day. It made life easier. My sister died Oct 8 2013 suddenly. I have never been the same since. I don't know if this is why I used the pills, or if it would have happened regardless. But, it made me so I cried less and less.

    Fast forward to last Wednesday, 7 days ago. I was done. I didn't want to take them any more. I was mad at myself. I felt like a failure. What makes it worse for me, is that my sister was addicted to norco that led to her using herion that lead to her being on methadone to get off the herion...which 6 months into going to the methadone clinic, she died. They doubke dosed her one morning...she came home, and died on her bedroom floor with her 7 yrs old daughter being the only person with her. I know 1st hand what addiction does. And i let it get a hold of me. I knew it. So last Wednesday, I cried off and on all day. I went from taking 12 to sometimes 17 10mg norcos a day to 7 the 1st day 6 the next 5 the next etc. Its now a week later and the last pill i took was yesterday at 330pm. Almost 17 hours ago. I wasn't planning on doing that, but I did. I can't stand taking them anymore. Every time i would take one, I'd feel so gross. I felt like mentally I was done, but physically they had me. And thats a terrible feeling.

    I slept like poop last night, but I got through it. I am shaky today andhave the chills. For the last week Ive had bad diarrhea and RLS. I bought some leg cramp medicine and it seems to be heloing some.

    I am terrified, I will continue to feel worse. I feel better then Ithought I would at this point but the fear of it getting worse scares me. I just so badly want to be off completely and never look back. I feel as if my sister is looking down on me disappointed and that kills me. Never in a million yrs did i think this would happen to me. But it did.

    I guess I'm posting here to keep me accountable and just so I can get my feelings out. No one knows about this, except for the friend that was giving me the pills. I am married with 3 kids, and they have zero idea.

    To everyone who is going through this, you are in my prayers. We can do this.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Scared,

    Welcome to the Forum. Your story isn't uncommon and you already know that by having spent some time reading here. I'm not going to lie, the next few days are going to get bumpy. I'm sorry you didn't post last week before you began to taper the pills that you had left because I'd have told you to flush em and flush em quick. I honestly think that by decreasing your dose over the course of 1 week sent you into mild withdrawals for the entire week. I have lots of experience with cold turkey and where you are right now. The symptoms you are experiencing are common and we all have had most if not all of them during detox. Aches, restless leg, inability to sleep, anxiety, and the delightful bathroom trips.

    Have you found the Thomas Recipe posted on this Forum? There are things that you can buy over the counter that folks swear by. Except for the Immodium (and that does help to not wear the floor out to the bathroom) I didn't use any of them. I used heating pads, 3 of them. One for each leg and the other for my back. Of course, it was in the middle of the winter so I was able to stand the heat. Hot baths! Essential. Try to walk as often as you can. Do whatever you can to try and occupy your mind and ward off any anxiety. By about 24-36 hours after your last dose, you will be feeling the worst of it. The good news is that it will last for only around 5 days and the physical stuff will be mostly behind you. Takes a bit longer for sleeping patterns to return to an acceptable level but it will return. After the detox, you can expect to feel much like you would if you were just getting over the flu. A little weak and tired.

    Keep reading. Keep posting. I spent many nights just reading to pass the time and get out of my own head. Wonderful people here. Good luck.

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #3
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Cat,

    Thank you so much for your reply.

    Yes, I wish I would have posted last week. I realized yesterday that I need to stop prolonging this. Wish I would have last week. I have read about the thomas recipe, sounds odd but I am terrified of benzos. Honestly, i am terrified of pills all together. Pretty ironic, huh? I did get immodium yesterday, I'm just not exactly sure how much to take. I have read different things, saying you should take 5, but that you can also become addicted to those. So I wasn't sure how many I should take.

    Mentally, I am very sad. I am sad I did this to myself. I am sad I haven't been the best mother, wife, sister, daughter etc.. I don't have any urges mentally to take a pill, so far. But i am now almost to 17 hours since i took one.. so not even 24 hours yet. So that might come.

    Thank you again so much. Just being heard and being able to write helps so much.

  4. #4
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    Hi scared,

    I'm a mother also so I know how you feel but don't beat yourself up too much. You are getting clean so just by wanting to do that shows you have their best interest at heart and that you are a good mother.

    You can do this!!!

    Honestly I don't know your struggle because the Dr. Has me on Zubslov. So my withdrawals symptoms are gone but I did have to be 24 hours clean before starting the meds. I agree with the hot showers and walking. I didn't want to do either at the time but they helped tremendously.

    If you need anything please let me know but I wanted to tell you that you can do this and you have support! Take it one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Whatever you need to do! You got this!!!!

  5. #5
    Hadenough80 is offline Banned
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    I went cold turkey 17 days ago, best decision I made in quite awhile....seems like time stands still so get some movies or TV series lined up and stick it out, I did it without the benzos and at times wish I had them for sleeping but the only real thing that will help is time....be strong and stick to your guns...if u feel the urges think about your kids, they need you and you can give them a better life without pills! Good luck and post often!

    Take care!

  6. #6
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Thank you both SO much!!! You're posts had me in tears. Happy tears, and because I cry often.

    I walk about 4 times a day, I have 2 large dogs and they HAVE to take walks. Thank God!!! Because of them, I get myself walking and I know it makes me feel more human.

    I'm at almost 21 hours now. I feel worn out, dizzy bones hurt. I have been drinking water water water. But its hard to eat. I forced myself to eat a banana earlier.

    I think I am more scared to get to 24 hour mark and it be way worse then now.
    Thank you all so very much. Congratulations to you also!! Yes, as a mother this freakin sucks! The guilt kills me.

  7. #7
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    hi there
    what a devastating story for you and about yor sisters daughter
    My mom dies when ii was 7 too.
    Not drug related and that was 52 years ago
    but still having your mother die sux
    is her dad raising her?

    For you hold on you will make it..
    the best gift you can give your children is a clean and healthy mom..
    Look at how much closer you are to that now than you were last week..
    So many people never get 24hrs clean..
    so sit for a moment and be proud of yourself..
    that in itself will help get your endorphins ( natural pain killers) flowing again..
    that sense of accomplishment..
    laughing
    sex
    chocalate
    exercise
    extra protein..
    all these simple thinngs will help your brain to heal..
    that is where it all starts ..
    so you are doing great..
    This too shall pass...

    I jumped from sub almost 8 months ago and used the supplements on the Thomas Receipe..
    In fact I still take them..
    keep posing
    you are probaly helping so many people,,
    take care

    Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-02-2015 at 02:52 PM.

  8. #8
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Hi Bette...Thank you for your kind words. Again, I was bawling like a baby. It is such a terrible thing, losing someone. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Doesn't matter if it happened yesterday or 50yrs ago...it hurts! My niece's father never saw her when my sister was alive so when she died...she offered my mom to adopt her. So she has been living with her. I keep telling myself, that if my mom can get up go to wrk all day take care of my niece and 16yr old sister all while still deeply grieving my older sister...I can do this. I am worried about the mental pain I will feel. The pills made me happier. I was in a very bad place. The pills numbed that, but they made it worse. I've already cried more for my sister in the last week then I have being on the pills. It's like my grieving has started all over again. But really, i know it never stopped.

    I am about an hour and a half away from the 24 hour mark. I am proud of that. And yes, last week I thought this was impossible. Thank you for saying that...that helps so much.

    Congratulations on 8 months!!!!! What a wonderful feeling that must be! Amazing!

    Again, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to reply. Means more then the world

  9. #9
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Can I just make a suggestion for your niece..
    Please keep your sisters memory alive..
    My dad didn't do that..
    Back then people didn't realize the meaning of roots..
    If you put lots of pictures around then that will help her to have a place in the world
    especially since her non existent relationship with her dad..

    She will be angry at her mom for leaving her
    Completely normal..
    If she can have someone help her write a letter to her mom..
    To include her anger
    Her sorrow
    Her losses that she doesn't even realize yet..

    I did not do that till I was older but it really helped..

    Without validation of a child's feelings they start to think something is wrong with them..
    She is perfect just the way she is..
    Her moms problems or issues whether she knows about them or not..
    Have nothing to do with her..
    This is a great time to get clean..
    So you can be there for your niece..
    She will need you too..
    Bette

  10. #10
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Bette
    Thank you for your continued messagse. Makes me feel not so alone. Oh my goodness, YES we keep her memory alive! It is the only thing that keeps us going. I have a table at my house with her ashes and her things on it with a bunch of pictures. My mom has one also at their house. We have a memorial cross for her at the beach and we go t he ere often. On her birthday we release balloons. On the daye of her death, which the 2nd year is coming up in October, we go to her apartment complex and light candles and talk about her and cry.
    I am so sorry your dad didn't do those things for you. I understand it was long ago but my heart breaks for you.
    Yes, I HAVE to do this for my niece, my kids, my mom, my lil sister, MYSELF!
    I have had no cravings to take any pills. Actually the last week every time I took one, I hated it. I am more scared of feeling sick. But I know it has to happen. I am at almost 25 hours. Thank God.
    And thank you, for the messages
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  11. #11
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    How you doing? Sounds like you are still determined. Good for you! You know, I think you are farther along than you might think. Didn't you say that you only took 1 pill yesterday? Am I wrong? How many mgs did you dose the last time you took something? It may be less than a day since that last pill but you were already in mild withdrawal at that point. I honestly think you may not get too much more sick than you already are. I hope not but in any event, you have just about made it through your last Day 1. Journal how you feel here so that later on you can remember just how miserable you feel both physically and mentally. Check in later. You're making lots of great friends here. That helps.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  12. #12
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Cat
    Thank you for the reply, again. Your message gave me such relief! I probably wasnt clear in my 1st post. Sorry! I decided to taper by giving my self a time to take them instead of an amount. 1st day started at 4 hours.
    Wednesday I took 7.5 10mg pills 75mg
    Thursday I took 6 10mg pills 60mg
    Friday I took 5 10mg 50mg
    Saturday I took either 4.5 or 5 so 45 or 50mg
    Sunday I took 3 10mg pills 30mg
    Monday I took 2 10mg pills so 20mg
    The last dose I took was 10mg
    My plan was to actually take 3 pills yesterday and today and start 2 pill tomorrow. But, last night I said, why? Why am I prolonging this. And i actually felt just as bad when I took the pills as when I didn't.
    Its now been 28 hours. I can say as of right now, I dont feel as bad as I thought I was. I have been sleepy today, have some RLS, stomach cramps, chills but its mostly mild. I've actually only had to run to the bathroom once this morning. Which surprised me, because the last 5 days its been all day long. I truly hope the worst is over, or that it doesn't get much worse. Even if it does I will not take any pills. I have 5 in my purse, I looked at them today just to see how I'd feel, and zero desire for them. I truly hate them.

    I do have a question, I bought some unisom to sleep today, but not sure if I should take it? I've never taken any type of sleep aide.
    Again, thank you all so much for the replies. Its so nice to get all this out. Especially since no one knows. Hugs to you all.

  13. #13
    Ladyblue1866 is offline Banned
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    Hello Scared

    Welcome to the forum I see you already have lots of support they are the best....

    When I first came here, in may, I went back on the pill after 14 days of being clean, it didn't feel the same....

    It felt like I was doing something really bad... I knew better...

    especially after coming here and reading for hours, other stories...

    I decided this time to quit, and made it up in my mind this was the best thing for me....

    I have not looked back... I am not 44 days clean

    I am not going to say it was easy but it get easier with each day that passes...

    This is the best place to be, you are in good hands...

    Welcome to the forum and each day you are clean pat yourself on the back...

    It takes guts just to come and put your thoughts feeling and addiction out there....

    You can do this!

    Ladyblue

  14. #14
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Scared,

    I think you are probably beginning to feel the worst of it. The anticipation of what's to come is almost always worse than the reality. We just freak ourselves out and that just makes things worse. The over the counter stuff like Unisom won't hurt you, just take it as directed and get rid of it in a few days. Before you try that, though try Melatonin. You can find it at most any grocery store, pharmacy or Walmart with other supplements. Take it as directed--more than that won't help. Even if you don't sleep soundly, it will help to relax you and it's all natural! You can use that long term and be perfectly fine.

    Those 5 pills in your purse? Do me a favor and bring them into the bathroom, throw them in the toilet, tell them a teary good bye and flush heartily. If you want to get this done get rid of them. I promise, no matter how determined you are in this moment there will be another moment that you will be tempted to take one just to escape for a bit and that will set you right back to the beginning. Flushing them makes a statement. You're done and those damn pills get a proper burial. Make it your final goodbye to what you thought was a best friend but they betrayed you. I'm going to check on you tomorrow and hope that you have posted that you flushed the toilet.

    Peace,

    Cat
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  15. #15
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Cat
    Yes the anticipation was/is a killer. The sadness is a close second. I am going to go to the store tomorrow and buy the melatonin. I'd much rather take anything natural. Thank you for the help, it means more then you know, thank you.
    I did, I flushed them. I dont even know why i still had them. Probably out of fear. But I am so done with these pills. When I read your post, it was like a light bulb.
    Catrina likes this.

  16. #16
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Nicely done! Gone. There was really no sense having them,right? Didn't that feel kinda good? Liberating. Hope you have a good day. Where we at, Day 2? Keep moving. You're doing great.

    Peace,

    Cat

  17. #17
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Cat
    Yes, you are 100% right there was absolutely no reason to have them. It did feel good. I know there are people on here that have been using for much longer then I have, but to me.. any time was too long. I feel like I wasted almost a year of my life. I'm almost at 41 hours since my last pill. I slept pretty bad last night, but I know that will take time. Even when I was tossing and turning not once did I think of pills. Instead I was thinking, I need to get that melatonin. I didn't end up taking the unisom. My RLS was driving me crazy. I've had RLS since I was younger, not pill related at all. It does wry me some that this has brought it all back. I'm hoping thats not the case and it will pass. My body hurts a little, but being clear headed makes up for it. I still was able to wake up, get my kids ready for school with out feeling like I needed to pop some pills.
    Thank you for checking on me. This forum is so wonderful. Hope you have an amazing day.

  18. #18
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    49 hours in... Better then i thought it works be. Body aches, mostly my back. Actually, its killing me. Hot and cold all day. And very tired. I hope and pray I can sleep tonight. Even though I don't feel very good, i am so happy i made this decision to stop. No cravings at all.

  19. #19
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    I am proud of you..
    Yes it gets better..
    Even though every ones reason to get clean is different..
    It works at different times in our life's.
    It sticks at different times..
    There is something to be said
    About
    Stopping and flushing the pills..
    As opposed to running out of pills..
    Very empowering!
    You did this by choice!
    That is definitely a great way to start!
    Have a good night!
    See you tomorrow!
    Bette
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  20. #20
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Thank you Bette. Hearing that makes it so much easier.
    63 hours and counting. Still have zero desire for pills. But the lack of sleep is the worst. The RLS at night isn't good. I've never had an issue going to sleep, even before the pills. So this is new for me. Every day I find myself nervous for the night. I hope sleep comes soon.

  21. #21
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    I'm almost at 72 hours. Tuesday at 3:30pm I took my last evil pill. I feel pretty good actually. Mostly the aches n pains that are bothering me and these bad cramps in my lower abdomen/ left side. Emotionally, I feel sad. Guilty. But i am so happy I made it this far, and have no doubt i will continue.
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  22. #22
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    I need to keep writing just in case I ever need a reminder.
    I am 3 hours in to day 4. Almost no physical symtoms today, except for the terrible back and now neck pain. Its pretty bad. Ive been taking motrin and Tylenol and i think its helping some. I didn't sleep that much last night. Its fall asleep, wake up, fall in somewhat of a sleep and wake up. No RLS last night though!!! Now the muscles in my calf are twitching, which I welcome over RLS! Does this mean the Rls is over? Any one have the twitching?
    Mentally yesterday was the hardest. Tears allll day. Hard when no one knows what im going through and ask whats wrong. Today, a little sadness but I forced myself to do things around the house and even took my kids to the pool. It drains your energy quick, but leaving the house and doing things help so much.
    I am hoping tomorrow to be an even better day. And hopefully I can sleep tonight. I think that would makes things sooo much better.
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  23. #23
    Ilovemtndogs7 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi Scared-Flushing those pills=Best decision ever. You will never be sorry you made that choice. In 2 more days you will be passed a lot of the basic physical stuff. Then the hard work begins. Staying quit. The good news is-you have more motivation than most people. A huge life lesson you already know. That gives you an edge.

    If I could give any advice it would be to try and avoid that negative, guilty feeling. I know how it threatens you every day. The thing is those feelings can really keep you stuck and that won't help at all. If you can focus on moving about, doing anything to get out of the head space you're in I guarantee it will help. People on here swear by exercise because it does help to free your mind and begin producing endorphins. Just a little bit of it can help. Even cleaning or watching some ridiculous silly show. Heck hanging out with your kids, whatever works..

    Just checking in with yourself and others on the forum is a huge release. I'm so impressed with the way your approaching this-especially the flushing of the pills. They were not ever going to help you. Take Care. Big Hugs. Miss Dogs/Sheryl

  24. #24
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Thank you so much for your message and support. This forum has gotten me through this. Amazing support.

    I am terrified of ever taking a pill again. Any pill for that matter. This was a huge eye opener for me. I never thought i would ever get addicted to anything. I'm sure everyone hear thought the same.

    Getting rid of the remaining pills I had, should have been done day 1. But I guess I kept them just in case, because i was so scared. Like everyone has said on here, fear is the worst part. Once they were gone it was like a release.

    I am now on day 6. I have had absolutely zero cravings. Honestly the pills made me feel so bad i dont even know why i continued to take them. Sleep now is the only thing i am working on. I know it will come eventually though. Walks, and just being normal.

    To anyone reading this, you can do this i promise!!!!
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  25. #25
    scared1105 is offline New Member
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    Hello. Thought I'd update. Today is 10 days. I feel great. Not 100% but thats ok! I feel wayyy better then i did while taking pills!!!
    Still having some "bathroom" issues...they had stopped for a few days and came back. But it's nothing too bad. Sleep is still a little hard. But it's getting there. Still waking up through out the night. And I get sleepy through out the day but thats to be expected.
    I wanted to say, to anyone reading this and thinking about stopping pills... I PROMISE you can do this!!! I was terrified to stop!!! Honestly, if it wasnt for how scared I was to go through the withdrawals i would have stopped monthsss ago! And honestly, they weren't as bad as i feared. Trust me, they aren't fun! But, nothing what I thought.

    Good luck to everyone here!
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  26. #26
    hopes1211 is offline Senior Member
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    Scared, Day 10 is awesome! You should be done with the physical part, now on with the mental part. You seem to really want this and fear is a good driving force. At least it was for me. Keep reading and posting and posting and reading. What a great group of people on here.

    We all have that coulda woulda shoulda thought. Live in the now. You did it. You are doing it. You will continue to do it. Just keep on coming here for support. Whatever you do, never have the pills around ever again. Never think you can have just one because you can't. Have a great night.

  27. #27
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    You are a warrior?
    Great job..
    Now you really can make your life anything you want it to be..
    Doesn't if feel great not to have any kind of hand cuffs to whatever on anymore?
    Girl you are free!
    Go 4 it!
    Bette

  28. #28
    hathaway2511 is offline New Member
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    Listen to me opiates are dangerous I learned the hard way! I overdosed on Oxy's twice and almost died both times! The first time I didn't learn I coulnt wait to get out of the hospital to do rest I had hidden! The paramedics said I was dead but brought me back thanks to the drug narcan! The Dr said it was a miracle both times because I had eaten so many Oxy's both times he had seen nothing like it! He told me god saved you both times for a reason! He said no one lives through that! I was the first patient he had even seen live through that! I also had a buffet of other drugs in my system! He said tha angels are with because I should have been dead by a long shot! I guess god saved me because he had a purpose I'm am know sober I did it cold turkey! Talk about hell. Know it makes me sick to even think of an Oxy's ! I am know a drug counselor! Trying to start a program to pass out narcan to addicts because it will save your life! It blocks the effects to the opiate receptors in your brain! You can be passed out cold from an overdose and when they inject it it wakes you up like nothing happened I just can't believe it took me me 2 overdoses to realize this! I am a miracle because I've had three friends die from hydrocodone overdoses! Why god spared me i don't know! But I'm glad to be alive today

  29. #29
    justmekw is offline Member
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    Hathaway I've done cpr twice on my boyfriend, 5 ods, multiple comas and seizures from many drugs and he still does them. The first time I did cpr he was turning blue and only got oxygen when I could get oxygen in by breathing for him. Dr's don't know why he isn't dead or a vegetable. I truly believe you only go when its your time. I think having narcan available to everyone would be great to save many lives.

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