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Was sentenced to life? Fighting my opiate addiction
  1. #1
    blueopiate is offline Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
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    73

    Default Was sentenced to life? Fighting my opiate addiction

    Hello all,

    Been a while since I have been on here which means 1 dark truth, relapse and back to the depths of an oxycodone bottle.
    Been taking opiates mostly on for 11 years. Quit during last winter and got to day 10 before relapse. Been on the merry-go-round since.

    Habit:

    Any opiate pill I could get. Mostly hydro or oxycodone. I don't know where my habit ranks in tolerance but was taking anywhere from 200-300mg of either per day. Not the worst you have heard of but not a walk in the park either.

    Quit again:

    I did a quick crash course taper over several days going from normal amount to half, to chipping, to tramadol for 2 days, to .25 of sub for 2 days, then to the catapres and klonopin. Now on day 4, feeling a lot better today than first 3 days. This kick hasn't been so bad, catapres works well for me and I half my 1mg klonpoin dose when I can or skip it. I am one of the lucky ones that catapress works well for. Used mary-jane for 3 days which helped me, can't say that it will help others. Last night I took 5mg of adderall and for some reason it took whatever I was feeling away and put me in a good mood. I have not crashed like most do and it didn't make it worse. Mind you this was day 3, on catapress and klonopin so I had a safety net incase it made things worse. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. Not doing it again cause it's just another drug to throw in my messed up life.

    I do badly want to quit and again am saying this is last time. It very well could be since my doctor told me to go to a pain clinic when I asked for MS Cotin with perks. I would never last in a pain clinic and honestly don't need to go. I have back problems but I truly don't need narcotics for it, just wanted them. At the first month check of what they do I would get the boot.

    Perhaps it was the combo of things I was taking to ward of WD, but the MJ actually made me do a serious sell inventory. All my other quit attempts where for me and other people. This time I'm sticking to myself. I know that sounds selfish coming from a man who has a decent job and the million dollar family. I feel like I have received a life sentence to always be feeling like >>>> or chasing my pills. I know it can't go on forever, it has to end one way or another. I just never feel happy unless I have them. To me it's like the world is black and white when I have none but a wonderful playland when I am using.

    I have work tonight on mids and really am not worried about it since I'm not visibly showing dope sickness. And I think I need to get moving now, be productive. When I made it 10 days I was off work on injury for months. All I did was sit on the couch watching the old man winter in Michigan. I won't lie, I have thought about quitting a good job, leaving my family for another state (better off without me), even suicide. Not thinking about that anymore.

    It seems I get to day 7-10 and think "this sucks, I hate feeling this way". Is this my life now? Will I die a skinny, ashen bag of bones, short-life, over these pills? Right now, I honestly don't know. Giving it another try, just for today.

  2. #2
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
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    3,016

    Default

    I really hope you stick with the detox. Yes, it's hard to get past those days of depression, feeling blah, and all that, but honestly we don't get here overnight and we don't get better overnight. It takes a bit for your natural chemistry to kick in and generate those good endorphins again. That waiting to feel better mentally is why so many relapse. I would start a thread on the need to talk board to help you get through this and I would also check out local NA/AA meetings where you will meet many who have already gone through this. Try L-tyrosine with b-6 for the lethargy. Someone has also suggested Serene L-theanine for anxiety, depression. Stay strong and you will make it through this.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  3. #3
    Protagoras is offline New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
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    15

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    All those AA/NA meeting never helped me a bit, too many people there talking about old habits and struggling to control their craving talking about how much they were jonesing for one more high. My advice isn't for everyone, obviously, but i suggest finding something you enjoy, and make some form of enjoyable exercise part of the plan. Riding my mountain bike and shooting hoops, no matter how painful it was at first, after a few days i started feeling much better. After that, i remember what it felt like to enjoy competing and wanting to succeed and be healthy. That's after over 2 decades of abusing everything from H to perks, to vicodin, crank, amphetamines, xanax, and the list goes on. You can do it, even if you have to get pissed off at yourself to get you ass in gear.

  4. #4
    blueopiate is offline Member
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    Oct 2011
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    Thanks for the suggestions and kind words. Still on the wagon. I actually went to a wedding and party after last night. Thought getting out, interacting with happy people, would do me good. I drank alcohol, which now I see why you should stay away from that. Made me feel withdrawaly sick towards the end. Thank god I drank a glass of water for every drink cause I don't have a hangover today. The only peace that calls my mind is music sometimes. Did that before when I quit. If any of you do the same, I found 2 tracks that I already knew but haven't heard in years that almost feel like what has happened to me and what I have done.

    For music lovers try: Laughing - guess who ; and Wheels go round - John Lennon. Both should be on youtube for you.

    I think your right. Waiting to feel better makes things so much worse. I need to find some more things to keep my mind occupied. So many people I know think I'm an intelligent person. Half the time I want to scream at them, "I'm a big F junkie, I'm not smart, stop treating me this way".

    All I have left now pretty much is anxiety and a little restlessness. Can't seem to sit still to long. Maybe my body is telling me "hey, get moving"?

  5. #5
    blueopiate is offline Member
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    Oct 2011
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    Day 7. Woke up today, yes I slept most the day, I'm a 3rd shifter. I woke up without a wet pillow and a wonderful feeling of hope. Yes, I still have some anxiety, main reason I used, but today I am cutting back on the benzos and catapres. However I feel will pass. I am NOT a person who should use suboxone to detox. Keeps my mind on opiates and doesn't work great for me. Robert325 said it best somewhere. People who are going to get clean will do it with or without suboxone at some point. I took a total of .50 suboxone over 2 days during my downward taper, probably was pointless with the tolerance I have.

    No more sad songs for me to withdrawal to. Listening to motivation type music starting today. Going to start hitting the weights next week. Very light symptoms and for some reason my arms are sore but oh well. This shall pass. Have to make it just one more day.

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