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Sober 2 weeks then messed up...Now I feel so weak... Any advice?
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    Default Sober 2 weeks then messed up...Now I feel so weak... Any advice?

    Hi everyone,

    I couldn't find my last thread so I decided to make a new one, especially since this is a new topic.

    I had abused opiates for the past 8 years and have been in a vicious cycle back and forth for the past 3 years between suboxone and opiates. I mostly used subs though and would take the opiates on occasion. Well that occasion seemed to get more and more frequent bc I knew in my head that I could always go to my sub doctor and get subs so I would never have to experience withdrawals again.

    I was clean for 15 days and each day I felt stronger and stronger, better and better. Well I messed up. I tried to help my cousin bc I didn't want her to be sick and I fell back into temptation myself. I have been paying the price all week long. It started last Friday, I got some opiates and some subs to take after the opiates wore off. I got high on Friday, then took subs Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Tuesday I seemed to be fine (obviously subs were still in my system) and by 48 hours (Wednesday) after I went into a full out withdrawal and was so sick I couldn't get out of bed. I took some Ativan and tried to sleep it off but I couldn't eat anything and felt like I had come down with the flu. So Thursday and almost 72 hours after my last dose of sub I was starting to feel like the worst part was over and I might actually get better. Then for some stupid reason I found some tramadol and thought it would help me with the withdrawals. I didn't take that much, only 4 total spacing them out over time. I did not get high from it but I also did not feel as sick.

    Now it's Friday a week later exactly and I haven't taken anything at all today. I'm seriously contemplating taking some more tramadol now bc I have a headache, no motivation, and feel it might help me get up and do something. I know I have some serious issues and I'm working on repairing them. I guess I won't really be clean until I can say that I'm putting no other pill/drug in my body. I just want to feel normal and function normally. I feel so physically and mentally weak right now

    I know it took me a long time to get in this position so it will be longer than overnight to repair but still, I guess I just need some inspiration and words of wisdom from others who have gone through the same thing.

    I want so bad to be sober and I don't just want it, I need it! Any words or constructive advice would be appreciated.

    Thank you.

  2. #2
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    1day.....

    I don't think I know anyone that has not relapse a couple times.....always wanting to stop the vicious cycle, but after a couple weeks, that sluggishness leads us back to instant gratification in a pill.

    I can tell you this, though.....if you can get through 30 days.....and get your mind set that you no longer want to be a slave to a pill or a strip.......you will feel better than you have in years. This is a big mind game, because you really aren't sick,sick but a few days.....and everyone has gone through a bad flu, so liken it to that. But, continuing on is the tricky part.....you really have to want it.....and you need to get rid of all connections that let you use again.

    The sub use worries me. You may want to check into a taper plan, stick to that to get you through.....we have some real success stories on here.....check out the sub forum.....those guys and gals are kicking butt to beat the demon!!!
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    Hey, Ty for your reply silver! I know what you are saying and it is truly a mental battle. Honestly regarding the subs I have been on them way too long and I've done both where I've tapered and jumped cold turkey. So I do have a little experience with that as well. To me, subs are just as much of a mind game as opiates and I know those are little devil pills. I'm so ready to be over this. I want it for sure. I've been going to meetings and trying to stay positive as much as possible but the first week is the hardest. I am moody and irritable and just need to put myself in a different situation. I know I can do it. It takes time I guess. I'm trying. And I definetly never want to take those strong opiates again, done with it for good. I also feel like my sub doctor wasn't really helping me except giving me what I wanted. That's why I'm doing this on my own. It does make a difference though to have support so that is why I am here and why I'm trying meetings.

    Thanks!

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    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    You do know subs are one of the strongest opiates? That is why the taper is so important......just read about subs a little more.....they can be harder to w/d from than oxy.

    You'll make it, 1day......just talking about it leads to you taking that step....hang in and post as much as you need.....there are a lot of much more knowledgeable folks than I, on here....we've all been there.....you are not alone!!!!
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    Hello again,

    So I have heard mixed things about subs being the strongest opiates, not ever from doctors (surprise, surprise), but I believe you from my personal experience.

    Update:
    I feel pretty good today. My last day on subs was on monday (today is Sunday). I suffered for about three days and then Friday I took a couple tramadol, even though I was feeling mostly better, and I took two tramadol yesterday morning and that was the last of that.

    Today I have not put any drugs in my body and I am feeling no more symptoms of withdrawal. It has been over 36 hours since my last tramadol and 6 days since my last sub. I am feeling pretty positive now and know I want to live a drug free lifestyle. I don't ever want this for myself or anyone else. I am feeling stronger and stronger every day. I am a bit moody but trying to stay in the right mind frame. I put on a tv show and laughed and laughed and that really helped me a lot today. It is true, laughter is the best medicine.

    I just want to encourage everyone out there that is still struggling that it is possible to commit to a clean life and make it happen.

    Today is my day 1 (second try) at a clean and sober life forever. I feel relief knowing that I no longer have to suffer. I feel free knowing I am no longer a slave to drugs. And I have hope that I can have a new future for myself and my family.

    This is my life, my story, and I'm going to decide my future, not some stupid devil pills, drugs, or doctors.

    Much love.....

    One day at a time......
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-19-2014 at 03:00 PM.

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    I've been off of subs for a whole week now! I really feel positive and happy about that.

    I had a great conversation with my cousin tonight about God's plans for our lives. We talked for an hour! He has been going to celebrate recovery for almost two years now and has always encouraged me to go. I never saw myself as a church or meeting type of person but I will tell you that I am now going and it is really a saving grace in my life. I need it, I absolutely need the fellowship in my life and to remember that I am not alone.

    So, tomorrow morning will be one week with no subs/opiates! I was clean for two weeks before screwing up over a 3 day period but I know better this time. I tried helping my other cousin and got sucked into temptation. Well I'm not doing that anymore. The best way I can help others is through my own sobriety.

    This is the number one most important thing for me right now. I will be clean. I want it. I need it. I have to do it. I have no other choice.

    If anyone out there is struggling with addiction, I want you to know it is possible to overcome.

    I thought I was all alone. I know now that I am not.

    One day at a time...

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    Hi everyone!

    I'm reading your stories and they are giving me encouragement.

    Today I took a day off from always taking care of everyone else and I decided to have a me day! I am feeling greater than great right now. I'm actually sitting at the salon right now getting a really nice pedi I went to the dentist today and got impressions for a crown that I've been needing for some time now. I'm going grocery shopping with no kids later, woo hoo, maybe I will be able to get it all done this time!

    I believe that during recovery it is ok to be a little selfish and take some time for yourself. I am feeling great, with no drugs in my system at all.

    My digestive system is getting back to normal now that it's been a week since my last sub. I'm losing weight again and should be back to my normal size soon as long as I keep this up.

    Just getting out in the sun makes me feel better. Walking makes me feel better. Singing makes me feel better. Listening to Gods word and promise for my life makes me feel better and helps me know that I am not alone!

    If anyone out there actually reads my posts and wants to chat, I would be happy to.

    For all the rest who might be struggling with addiction, just know that you are loved and it is possible to overcome.

    We all have the power within us to be great. Sometimes some of us just need to be reminded of it.

    One day
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    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Just wanted to say hello and show my support. Congrats on getting back on track. Sounds like you know exactly what to do in order to maintain your sobriety. Celebrate Recovery is an excellent program. It's wonderful that you've got involved. The fellowship of AA and NA saved my life. I never thought I'd be going to meetings and have a sponsor. But it's made all the difference in my recovery. I'm 2 months clean as of tomorrow.

    Hope you enjoy your day. Take care.
    Kat
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    Hi Kat!

    I was starting to wonder if I'm just talking to myself lol. Thanks for stopping by to show support, it is much appreciated!

    Congratulations on two months! That is a huge success! How are you feeling now? Are you sleeping ok at night?

    I ended up out all day yesterday so when I came home and ate dinner with the family I was exhausted! I made it until 9 pm and when I put the baby to bed I passed out myself, naturally. It's such a good feeling to fall asleep without the help of a sleep aid bc you're actually tired. Well I slept for about 3-1/2 hours and then I was wide awake one hour rolled by, two hours rolled by, finally I got up around 2 am bc I realized it wasn't happening for me. I cleaned my kitchen and made some chamomile tea to try and relax and make me fall back asleep. I wasn't getting anywhere close so I ended up taking a half of sleeping pill (I tried so hard not to take it) but anyways I was able to get back to sleep for another 4 hours. I woke up on my own this morning and am a little groggy from the sleep med but I'm having my coffee and ready to start a new day!

    I know what I have to do and I'm doing it. It's not easy to distract yourself every day but the more you do it the easier it becomes.

    One thing that has really helped me is starting a journal. The first day I made up my mind that I was ready to start this clean life and not look back I started my journal. In my journal, at the top, I write Day 1, the date, and day of the week (Monday, Tuesday, etc.), etc.

    Journaling has been extremely helpful bc I have recorded my first clean day, how I felt, how sick I was, etc. I can go back and look at my feelings, both physically and emotionally, and see what I was doing to myself and know that I never want to be there again. On my good days sober, I see how happy I am and that I can do this and I got this! I see in my journal the couple of days I relapsed how much pain and suffering I was in and know now what not to do. Journaling may sound silly to some people, but it has made a huge impact on my recovery.

    Another thing I want to say is, no one starts their life out by saying, "I want to be an addict" or "I think I would like to be an addict when I grow up". It is a long process that happens over time. I see people in these forums that don't understand addicts and say they hurt them so much, etc. Well I have no doubt that is true, however, try to put yourself in the addicts shoes. An addict is not happy! Addiction is a very painful experience and when a person does a drug for so long they are not only addicted but also have a physical dependence which makes them physically sick when they stop using the drug.

    I don't only go on these forums, write in my journal, and go to meetings and Celebrate Recovery. I read a lot! I read actual medical documents and books that were written by medical doctors, physcologysts, counselors, and addicts! I wish that everyone and anyone dealing with addiction or addiction of a loved one would read and educate themselves on what is really going on!

    I'm still new at this recovery thing but I have spent all of my OCD time on reading, studying, and educating myself on what is really going on. What actually happens to chemicals in the brain and elsewhere when a person takes a drug, whether it be prescription or non prescription.

    Studies show now that drug addiction is not a "cause" rather a "symptom" of an "underlying cause". I truly believe that in my heart. When a person discovers why they are using drugs (underlying cause) it makes it so much easier to stop using drugs. Don't believe me? My underlying cause is that I could not and did not feel love from a very young age. I started using drugs to numb the pain I would feel from not being loved. Now that I have changed my views and know I am loved, and most importantly love myself, it makes it so much easier for me to say that I don't need drugs in my life to numb my pain.

    Anyone addicted can get sober and go to meetings. I believe the key to staying clean and sober is to fix the "underlying cause" and then you have cured yourself.

    One of the books I have read is from a recovered addict and his father, who now have one of the most successful rehabs in the US. It is called, "the alcoholism and addiction cure".

    If you are struggling with addiction or have a family member struggling with addiction I would recommend instead of sitting around throwing a pity party for yourself and asking "why me!?" Go do some reading and educate yourself on this matter. I've thrown many pity parties for myself that only got me deeper and deeper into the darkness. Now I am taking action and doing something about it.

    If anyone else wants to talk, has questions, or just wants to chat, I am here to listen.

    I believe we all have it within us to overcome and defeat the enemy. Some of us just need encouragement sometimes.

    One Day.

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    To the people out there whose children are addicts:

    Please ask yourself this, what is your role in your child's addiction? Are you part of the problem or part of the solution? Are you really trying to help your addict child get healthy? Or are you pushing them farther into the darkness?

    Have you ever watched intervention or dr. Phil?

    I gotta tell ya, 9 times outta 10 the environment, parents, and loved ones are just as big of a problem as the addict themselves and maybe even a bigger problem! Maybe you're the reason your child starting using to begin with! Instead of gossiping all the time about them, try talking to them, in a loving way. Love your addicts! Pray for your addicts! They will come around eventually.

    This is not directed toward anyone in particular. I just see a lot of complaints from people who don't seem to understand. If you have that attitude here, you probably have that attitude with your addict children. I don't believe that works is all I'm saying.

    I think people need to look within themselves and fix their own problems before they cast a stone at a glass wall.

    Jesus was friends and showed love to a tax collector, a prostitue, a liar and more. Guess what? They turned their lives around because of the LOVE Jesus showed them.

    In my darkest hours, I felt Jesus closest to me. Not my mom, even though she was right. She just pushed me away.

    God doesn't give out more than you can handle. I believe all things work together for good. God knows what he is doing. He didn't say it would be easy or we would be problem free. But in our problems, that is when we build character. We can use our problems for good. I believe that. I believe that in all my pain and suffering God will use me to tell others about him and that there is another way.

    All the glory to God for my recovery.

    Another good book that I can't put down is called The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. It is very good and I highly recommend it for addicts or anyone who feels lost with no purpose in this world. Even if you know God, we all need reminders.

    No one is perfect on this earth. Your sin, your vice, whatever it may be is not any better of a sin then a drug addict.

    Peace and God Bless

    One Day
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    Sorry if I went off in a rant on my last message I just have strong feelings towards some things.

    Update on me:

    I had a pretty good morning, I woke up early, got my coffee, did some research, read, colored my hair, and all before noon.

    Then i started experiencing a few things of concern however, and I don't know if it's just my anxiety and OCD making it worse or if these are serious symptoms that I might need to see a dr about.

    What's going on is that around the same type I stopped the suboxone (one week ago), I also stopped my Wellbutrin and Zoloft. I was only taking Ativan 1 mg to sleep at night when I could not sleep. Here's the problem:

    As much research as I've been doing I know that coming off all these meds puts me at a high risk for seizure. So I'm concerned about that. I'm more concerned that I seem to be lightheaded all day long, whether sitting down or standing but of course made worse by standing. Other symptoms are feeling weak and fatigued, insomnia, twitching in my eye. I've been on webmd and idk if that's making me more paranoid or if I should really be worried. I am getting very concerned about the lightheaded ness bc that is my worse symptom and it seems to last all day.

    As far as actual withdrawal from opiates, this is a walk in a park and I don't feel the usual symptoms I have experienced in the past.

    I guess I will wait a few days and see what happens.

    My goal is to not be on any medication whatsoever but idk what is going on right now. I kind of feel like brain might not be getting enough oxygen.

    If anyone knows anything about what I'm experiencing please let me know! I just don't know what to do at this point.

    Thanks!
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    blueopiate is offline Member
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    I'm at day 15 now and having a bad couple of days. Cravings were high. I forced myself to go for a couple walks. At first, I was so cold, it's a little chilly out, but about 10 min in I was no longer cold and feeling normal. First time I have been this long without opiates and first time I tried walking. It helped many symptoms I must say, mostly the mind game since I really don't have much physical stuff left.

    I did the same thing you did. Pills, sub, wash and rinse, repeat. This last time I did catapres and klonopin. I also have to take an antidepressant because it is the core reason I used. It is starting to help as well. Sub is a weird drug to say the least. From my times on it and off, I noticed unless you use it just perfectly, you are going to be sick, maybe even worse than a regular CT. I will never take that stuff again. Not saying no one should, but for me it kept me in the opiate lifestyle (in my mind) and I just couldn't have that if I wanted to quit. You have to make a actual decision, based in logic, not to use. If you do A+B= you start all over again. I just keep telling myself I can make it another day, I'm not dead. But I have also relapsed many times before so don't beat yourself up too much. Brush yourself off and get back on the bike you fell off.
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    Congrats on day 15! Each day we go without using those devil drugs is a success in my book!

    So last night I started feeling really low. Like to the point where I was going to die. I hadn't been taking my Wellbutrin or Zoloft for a few days when I was taking the other things bc I didn't want so much in my system. I was trying to come off of them cold turkey as well.

    Well I figured out after my crisis last night that I am just going to have to take the anti depressants bc with them I am fine, without them I am a total wreck!

    I ended up taking my Zoloft and Ativan and last night was the first night I slept all night long without waking up. This morning I woke up feeling refreshed and glad to be alive. I took my Wellbutrin this morning too.

    No opiates for me for a week now. I started this journey 27 days ago and at day 15 I screwed up for a few days. I've been feeling sick off and on ever since but I agree, I never want to be on opiates again! Those are the worst!

    I know I have the right mindset bc I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have so much more life in me and so much more to live for. I am feeling pretty positive today with minimal symptoms. I'm just trying to relax now while I can and recover the right way.

    Tomorrow I go to my CR meeting and that really helps me a lot to be in a place where I can share and hear other stories. The people there are all super nice to me and always positive.

    One day at a time and we can all get through this.

    It's not an easy journey, but it's so worth it!

    Love life

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    blueopiate is offline Member
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    No, it's not easy. I believe opiates are one of the worst, if not the worst, drug to get hooked on. Yeah, benzos can be fatal and it can happen. But I haven't seen or heard of too many people dieing from benzo WD, those are extreme cases with people who were taking a whole lot of them daily. I'm trying to ease me klonopin back now. I'm feeling a touch more anxiety but nothing I can't distrac with being on here. Benzos never gave me any type of the feeling a lot of people get from them. They just killed my anxiety, nothing more, nothing less. I have depression and panic disorder which is why I probably never got high from them. But opiates, oh my god, the cure for it all, so I thought 10 years ago. Once that demon gets you in it's grip you got a serious fight on your hands. Keep your dukes up and start punching.
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    Wow, you hit the nail on the head. That sounds like my life exactly. I have been trying to do research on the benzo w/d bc I have always heard people say it's really bad. It's hard for me to imagine anything being worse than opiate withdrawal, unfortunately I've experienced that way too many times. I don't consider myself to have a problem with benzos either bc I try hard not to take them and only take them when I start feeling my anxiety or panic attack coming on. Yesterday I didn't take anything at all and I realize what happened now was that I was in panic attack mode all afternoon until I actually took the meds. I was so dizzy, I couldn't concentrate, I was freaking myself out on webmd and making it worse!

    I feel so much better today. I don't want to be stuck on any meds, but clearly I need them right now until I fully recover from the years of opiate abuse. I certainly don't want to switch out one DOC for another but according to my dr I suffer from OCD and perfectionism which triggers my anxiety and depression.

    It seems like it will be a long road of recovery but I'm locking in all the support and reading and studying as much as possible to find out exactly what happens and how this all works. I feel really positive that I won't touch opiates again. It's too much pain and suffering for one little good feeling. Instead, I am doing things that make me happy and produce natural serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins. I always wonder what a cat scan of my brain would look like. I probably don't have any left. I have shamefully been a functioning addict for over half my life. I started at 13 with weed and coke. When I was 16 I used to roll and do coke every weekend. I always worked though and just played on the weekends. Well that eventually caught up to me when I was introduced to opiates. So I've struggled with addiction for a long time. I'm 29 years old and I don't want to turn 30 next year and still be on stuff. I have so many other more important things to be doing.

    So I'm feeling really good now. I just watched the south beach tow marathon and was laughing so hard! I try to watch funny shows or whatever in the evenings bc it really takes my mind off of things and makes me laugh. Laughter is the best medicine

    One day at a time

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    blueopiate is offline Member
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    Good for you. I have said it before and I will say it again, do or take whatever you have to get you through those first 7 days. I always say this within reason of course. Don't go a wild coke bender or take 20mg of xanax like I have seen people say to do! I'm expecting some of my anxiety to start lifting after the 30 day mark. At 12:00AM it will be day 16, half-way there. I have never went this long but am starting to feel the hardship of taking opiates is not worth it. I don't want to do this again. I guess there comes a time when you just have to let it go. It's like a fire/ice love affair. Most of us have had them. Real nice and hot at the start, then fire/ice later, but you always lingered with the person. Too bad it was the devil this time.
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    Congrats on day 16! I know day 30 will be a huge milestone and each and every day we go without using is a success. I'm really looking forward to my day 30.

    I started my journal when I made the decision and commitment to get clean. Well that was 28 days ago. Even though i messed up a couple days in the middle, I still continue with the journal bc I am documenting my whole recovery process. I would have been almost at day 30 but instead I am counting today as day 10 for me, second time around. In my journal I write exactly everything that I experience. It's a real eye opener to go back and see what I put myself through. I'm not stressing about the 30 day or 10 day thing bc it's non productive and unnecessary. I know and have it locked in my mind that I'm doing this and that's the end of it. That's one thing about me, I'm very strong willed so when I make up my mind to do something I do it. I guess that might be a bad thing sometimes but idk. Anyway, I'm trying out new and different coping skills, relaxation techniques, meditation, exercise, meetings, whatever it takes to help myself get past this. It feels good to do positive things too, instead of being dope sick all the time.

    Today is my 10th day since I took a sub and I feel great. I don't have withdraws and my mind is stable.

    I just ordered an ebook called I want to change my life, how to deal with anxiety, depression, and addiction. I don't have an opinion on it yet bc I just started reading it. It seems to be interesting so far. I'll let everyone know how it is.

    I'm going to my CR meeting in just a little while so I'll be back later.

    One day at a time!

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    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    1 day...

    I have that book. I love it. I've read it through about 3 times now. If you put the suggestions to use, it's very beneficial. Congrats on your clean days! Keep it up.

    Kat
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    Hi Kat!

    That is awesome to hear! I'm glad someone else has read it too. Congrats to you on your clean time as well!

    I went to my CR meeting last night and there were a lot of great people there. I ended up buying the 12 step book and I'm going to start that class (as well as continue CR) next week. I am a little nervous and hesitant to go to 12 step bc I feel I may not agree with everything they are about but I'm going to give it a try anyway and show up every week. For me, the first step is just showing up.

    Other than that, I am feeling really positive and happy to be on this journey. I'm not experiencing withdrawals and each day for me gets better and better.

    There are some things going on in my life right now that last year at this time would have triggered me to use and or have crazy bad anxiety that would then lead me to use. Right now, I recognize those triggers and I just have to let go and let God. I know some things are out of my control and I cannot control everything. So I am continuing to do what I have to do and every day I make the right decision to stay clean I get closer to my creator. He supported me and loved me when no one else would. I don't need to take mind altering drugs anymore "to feel good". I still struggle with anxiety and depression but I am learning to cope and I hope I can put the anti depressants and benzo away soon too. However, I'm not going to overload myself all at once.

    I'm taking one step at a time, one day at a time.
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    Friday night and I just woke up from a little nap. I was up super early today and started getting stressed late in the afternoon so decided I should take a nap. I feel pretty good today, just hanging with the kiddos. Tomorrow I will have plus 2 (total 4) kids to take to a fall festival. I'm really looking forward to it and it should be a lot of fun! I will probably hang with my oldest and watch a movie or something tonight before bed. I'm still pretty tired.

    God is good! All glory to God for helping me to stay sober another day! Day 11 and I'm doing new things. I'm changing my behaviors and it feels good.

    Look I also want to add one more thing here. I know I see a lot of nurses and people from all demographics on here. I want to share with anyone who may read this post that addiction has no limits or boundaries. Addiction can affect anyone of any race, sex, poor or rich, any occupation. It's scary to think about it! I've always been a functioning, closet addict. I would say that I probably look like your typical Starbucks stay at home mom. I used to be a manager at a small business before I had my baby and decided to stay home. I'm pretty sure no one was aware of my secret and I didn't want anyone to know. I even went to church some Sundays on pills.

    I waited a long time to get help bc I was afraid of the "church people" and what they would label me as. I was afraid that I would be an even bigger outcast then I already was. I was afraid that my mother would take everything away from me that I loved. I was afraid of failing.

    I will say that now that I'm a little older I am still a little nervous at times but I now know that no man can ever hurt me. They only hurt me in the past bc I allowed them to. I believe in God, his promise for my life, and that he will never leave me or forsake me! It's all about him! It feels so great to have finally found that unconditional love that does not lie or ever deny me!

  21. #21
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    Good morning to all!

    Today is a new day, another chance to do what's right, another day to choose to be drug free.

    I am thanking God that I am alive right now. It has been 12 days for me now and I am feeling no withdrawal symptoms, no cravings, and I feel really great. For me, personally, working on my underlying issues is what has turned me away from the opiates and I feel great to say that I never want to use again. I did have a small craving yesterday for an opiate bc I was so happy I wanted to "reward" myself for good behavior. As soon as the thought came into my mind I started "playing the tape all the way to the end" and also distracted my thinking and focused on all the other things I should be doing instead of getting high. Cravings don't last very long and if you can distract yourself long enough they will go away slowly over time.

    It takes a while to "retrain your brain" but I find that staying busy is what works best for me. I have a very busy day of fun planned and I will probably be out all afternoon and night.

    CR meetings, reading, educating myself, staying busy, and doing healthy and productive things are really getting me through this. God is in control and he has a greater purpose for my life that he is revealing to me daily.

    If God is for me, who can be against me?

    Again, I will say that the purpose driven life is an awesome read. The author of that book is actually the same guy that oversees Celebrate Recovery.

    Change has to happen from within. I recognize that I am not perfect and I accept that. I am under Gods grace now and each day I continue to do my best to do the right thing.

    Not everyone will agree with me, and that's fine. We are all uniquely created. I will say this, my life has already changed so much for the better in just me first recognizing what needs to be changed and then acting on it by changing my perspectives and views. It all starts from within.

    It's not an easy fight, but it's all totally worth it!

  22. #22
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    Another day clean!

    I am a bit tired this morning bc I was out ALL day yesterday, but totally worth it! I took my family to a festival and then haunted house at night.

    I was a little frustrated with a couple things that weren't going my way at the festival. I.E. big kids trampling over my one year old in a bounce house marked "for toddlers". There were at least 10 bounce houses and some were for bigger kids and some were for smaller kids. I don't think I was being unreasonable by expecting my child to be safe at an event where I had her and was following their rules! Anyway, I got really upset and went to one of the organizers and told them how disgusted I was and that I might not be back with my family next year. Oh yeah, that was also after I paid $150 to get all the kids and myself in to this this and then some lady wants to start shouting "donations" in my face and asking me for a donation. I was appalled! I spent so much to get in there and almost didn't even get to go bc of the prices. All the money raised from the event was supposed to go to "outreach" programs and it was a church event so I was a little taken aback. Anyway, I ended up complaining to a couple of people about the things I was not happy with and they took care of it and even apologized right away. There were way more nice people there than negative people and all the volunteers were great.

    At that time, I was furious. I even considered leaving. Then, I thought about my own actions, my reaction to other peoples behavior, and I decided that I could handle things differently and that IM the one keeping myself so upset. So what I did was tell the kids to go play, I took a walk, and found a quiet place to sit down in the shade to reflect on how I might change my thinking, feelings, and actions.

    I ended up sitting next to a really nice pregnant lady. We started talking bc she saw the age range my children are in and hers are almost the same age. That just opened the door for more conversation about our children and life. A little while later her husband came over with her son and joined our conversation. We talked a little while more, all of us, and then I felt compelled to tell them that I had been going to celebrate recovery for the past month and how much it has helped me. No more than a second after that came out of my mouth the husband announced to me that he has been sober for 4 years! How awesome is that?! So this of course leads us all into a much deeper, personal conversation about recovery, children, marriage, life, everything! They had such a sweet and beautiful story and I thanked them for sharing it with me.

    It really gave me hope to know that there is life after addiction. The husband said that he always wanted marriage, children, and a family and as soon as he got sober it all just sort of fell into place for him. He said he got everything he always wanted after he started living life differently. It was just so inspirational to be able to hear and share with this nice couple. It made me feel as though we were meant to meet. I believe everything happens for a reason! After the conversation with these nice people, it really helped me get out of funk of being upset about things that weren't so important. I enjoyed the rest of my time with my family and was greatful to be there. It really was a great time.

    As far as my recovery (this time around) I'm at 13 days. No cravings or withdrawals. I will be going to a step study this week and really surrounding myself with positive things. I am changing myself. I feel it. I am trying my best to put God at the center of my life and ask for his guidance instead of doing what I want to do.

    This is fairly easy for me this time around bc I have decided to accept help, I have support, and my whole mindset has changed. Oh btw, I was addicted to something else at a young age and quit for several years before finding another vice. I have experienced many years of addiction and getting clean. It was always a vicious cycle for me but I could never figure out why I would get clean and then go back to use again. Well, I am still learning through 12 steps but I will say what I have learned about myself thus far is that I have some underlying issues and no coping skills. This clean time is different for me bc I have reached out to get the support I need. Sometimes we get so deep into our darkness that we may need a little help and loving support from others.

    Anyone struggling with addiction, I know it's not easy. It is possible to overcome! I am hear to listen if anyone has any questions or just simply wants to chat.

    We can all do this!

    One day at a time!

  23. #23
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    Sober 14 days! Woot-woot!

    I feel pretty positive and excited for my new life! It's different for me this time bc I have support. I started a 12 step this week and it's really good. It gives me more encouragement and hope that "this too shall pass".

    Hope everyone out there has a great day and stays positive!

    Remember, to live in the present taking it one day at a time. Do not worry about yesterday's mistakes or be fearful for the future (I struggle with this).

    One day at a time...
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

  24. #24
    Robcol is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1day-at-a-time View Post
    Hi everyone,

    I couldn't find my last thread so I decided to make a new one, especially since this is a new topic.

    I had abused opiates for the past 8 years and have been in a vicious cycle back and forth for the past 3 years between suboxone and opiates. I mostly used subs though and would take the opiates on occasion. Well that occasion seemed to get more and more frequent bc I knew in my head that I could always go to my sub doctor and get subs so I would never have to experience withdrawals again.

    I was clean for 15 days and each day I felt stronger and stronger, better and better. Well I messed up. I tried to help my cousin bc I didn't want her to be sick and I fell back into temptation myself. I have been paying the price all week long. It started last Friday, I got some opiates and some subs to take after the opiates wore off. I got high on Friday, then took subs Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Tuesday I seemed to be fine (obviously subs were still in my system) and by 48 hours (Wednesday) after I went into a full out withdrawal and was so sick I couldn't get out of bed. I took some Ativan and tried to sleep it off but I couldn't eat anything and felt like I had come down with the flu. So Thursday and almost 72 hours after my last dose of sub I was starting to feel like the worst part was over and I might actually get better. Then for some stupid reason I found some tramadol and thought it would help me with the withdrawals. I didn't take that much, only 4 total spacing them out over time. I did not get high from it but I also did not feel as sick.

    Now it's Friday a week later exactly and I haven't taken anything at all today. I'm seriously contemplating taking some more tramadol now bc I have a headache, no motivation, and feel it might help me get up and do something. I know I have some serious issues and I'm working on repairing them. I guess I won't really be clean until I can say that I'm putting no other pill/drug in my body. I just want to feel normal and function normally. I feel so physically and mentally weak right now

    I know it took me a long time to get in this position so it will be longer than overnight to repair but still, I guess I just need some inspiration and words of wisdom from others who have gone through the same thing.

    I want so bad to be sober and I don't just want it, I need it! Any words or constructive advice would be appreciated.

    Thank you.
    Im sure EVERYBODY has relapsed, don't feel bad, I'm positive everybody in this forum is rooting for you including myself.
    This morning i had my prescription filled with 120 10/325 percocets... STILL FEELING WEAK?

  25. #25
    Robcol is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1day-at-a-time View Post
    To the people out there whose children are addicts:

    Please ask yourself this, what is your role in your child's addiction? Are you part of the problem or part of the solution? Are you really trying to help your addict child get healthy? Or are you pushing them farther into the darkness?

    Have you ever watched intervention or dr. Phil?

    I gotta tell ya, 9 times outta 10 the environment, parents, and loved ones are just as big of a problem as the addict themselves and maybe even a bigger problem! Maybe you're the reason your child starting using to begin with! Instead of gossiping all the time about them, try talking to them, in a loving way. Love your addicts! Pray for your addicts! They will come around eventually.

    This is not directed toward anyone in particular. I just see a lot of complaints from people who don't seem to understand. If you have that attitude here, you probably have that attitude with your addict children. I don't believe that works is all I'm saying.

    I think people need to look within themselves and fix their own problems before they cast a stone at a glass wall.

    Jesus was friends and showed love to a tax collector, a prostitue, a liar and more. Guess what? They turned their lives around because of the LOVE Jesus showed them.

    In my darkest hours, I felt Jesus closest to me. Not my mom, even though she was right. She just pushed me away.

    God doesn't give out more than you can handle. I believe all things work together for good. God knows what he is doing. He didn't say it would be easy or we would be problem free. But in our problems, that is when we build character. We can use our problems for good. I believe that. I believe that in all my pain and suffering God will use me to tell others about him and that there is another way.

    All the glory to God for my recovery.

    Another good book that I can't put down is called The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. It is very good and I highly recommend it for addicts or anyone who feels lost with no purpose in this world. Even if you know God, we all need reminders.

    No one is perfect on this earth. Your sin, your vice, whatever it may be is not any better of a sin then a drug addict.

    Peace and God Bless

    One Day
    Amen, I'm sending this to a couple of people that are constantly tearing me up...

  26. #26
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    Hi Rob,

    I'm actually on my 14th day since my last relapse. I'm feeling pretty good and positive for the most part.

    How are you doing? What made you go get your script filled?

  27. #27
    Robcol is offline New Member
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    Don't be sorry, when you were speaking about "To the people out there whose children are addicts"
    You could have not said it any better, verbal abuse all my life from my loved ones, i know i hurt them, but im trying. I live in a house where nobody speaks to me, my daughters mother of 13 yrs. threw me out the house, many times i tried to explain to her, but she wasn't having it. That's why i haven't decided to go sober yet, i tried to explain to them about my depression, why i take the pills, but no! what do you think they said to me? they tore me a new one.

  28. #28
    Robcol is offline New Member
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    Don't want to feel any pain.. and I'm not talking about physical pain. Don't want to be hurt anymore. I have the bottle, but it's untouched due to the fact that i'am taking Ritalins.

    Happy 14 th day, I'm really happy for you.

  29. #29
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    Hey, I know how you feel completely. I've lived with abuse my whole life and the pills became my coping mechanism. I took the pills to not feel the pain. To say idgaf and not care about other peoples actions towards me. I started on subs to get off of the pills which also gave me a false sense of reality, just like the pills did (subs are opiates too). I would still do pills sometimes bc I had subs all day everyday to keep me from withdrawal. Pills became harder to find, so I did something I said I would never do, H. Fell in love with that and started doing it every couple of weeks for a couple days then subs for a couple days so I would not have withdrawal. I would never recommend to anyone to do that. When I finally did decide to quit for good I went through a horrible withdrawal! I wouldn't wish that on anyone! It is a viscous cycle bc I wanted so bad to get clean but then I would experience "triggers" like people putting me down and making me feel bad for whatever reason.

    The only thing that has saved me this time is God. I know not everyone on here is religious but I am honestly going to meetings now, I started a 12 step, and I feel as though it has saved my life! When I made the decision to get clean, I knew that I only had two options and two ways to go: one go down hill and continue to self destruct, or two seek support from where ever I could find it. My mom doesn't know I'm in recovery. My dad thinks I'm becoming radicalized by the church and we have way different views on things. I'm not doing this for them though, I'm doing this for ME and MY CHILDREN. My children need to see me alive and I need to be the example for them. I have separated myself from the toxic people in my life and I am doing this for ME.

    I know it can be hell living with toxic people and people who may even "trigger" your use but if you want it bad enough you will make it happen. You can do this! I sometimes thought I would die before I got better but then I thought about my children and how much they need me right now. I have been pretty selfish for many years and now I am learning how to cope and deal with the pain others have caused me.

    One day at a time....

  30. #30
    Robcol is offline New Member
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    Im really happy for you, i don't have the luxury of leaving with either of my kids.. it's just a bit harder.

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