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Where do i begin.... super dad to super bad.
  1. #1
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    Default Where do i begin.... super dad to super bad.

    I was the solid dude that everyone looked at as the solid dude. I always made the responsible decisions. good grades to good jobs, to great wife, to great kids, great family too, tons of friends, to great super happy life. in great shape. tons of energy.. super athletic. super social. I had it ALL. I was 30 yrs old. and super happy every day.

    then one morning I was super hung over (from drinking only)... and my cousin gave me a pain killer.


    So much has happened since I tried my first pain pill 5 yrs ago...

    I just feel like it's been a bad dream and I can't wake up.

    I feel like im 100 years old. my bones hurt. I ache all the time. I have no energy ever.

    Ive quit over 100 times. from 6 month.. to 3 week stints of clean. typically I quit for 3 weeks and go through hell. then I feel good. then I use for a week. and repeat.

    i'll start balling right now just thinking of how much time ive wasted just in absolute withdrawal misery and hiding it from everyone.
    (AND YES. ive been caught at this point. by wife, family, everyone.) they are all watching me now. they don't even want me to have a drink.

    HERES THE WORST PART AT THIS POINT.

    when I'm using, I'm like super dad. I'm crazy fun and happy and do tons of funny cool things constantly.
    when I'm not using. I feel like I'm a terrible dad because I'm just so depressed.
    then I just feel horrible like I should be using.

    so I chip. and withdralw over and over.

    I was off work for two weeks for xmas. I made it two days... and I was miserable the whole two days. I barely played with my kids. so I decided to just use the whole vacation. just so it would be wayyy funner for the kids. and honestly it was...

    So now what to do. do I try to find a way to chip without getting sick all the time???

    Has anyone else been in my shoes?

    I need some help.

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    I guess I left something out...

    the big difference I guess... was most of the other times.. I WANTED TO QUIT. I SUCKED IT UP AND QUIT I WANTED IT SO BAD.

    But lately.. I don't want to. I can't figure out why. and I have WAYYYYY more on the line now than ever before. My family is watching. If I slip up, I can lose everything.

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    The first time I learned what "sick" was. I was hurting for 2 days. I didn't know why. I couldn't even play with my kids. I couldn't barely stand up.

    then my cousin told me what was up.

    I SWORE I WOULD NEVER FEEL LIKE THAT AGAIN. IT DIDNT EVEN MAKE SENSE TO ME TO EVER DO THAT AGAIN. I stayed clean for a loooong time after that.

    it's such a stupid thing I can't even explain what I'm trying to say.

  4. #4
    Iwantoff2013 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi there.

    I noticed your username says "I hate Suboxone". Are you taking subs?

    When you say "chip", do you mean using pills every so often rather than daily? The thing is, as addicts we must quit pills for good. Every time you use, you wake the beast -- the desire to use more.

    You asked why you don't want to quit. Well, we're scared of quitting. Pills are our security blanket. They make us feel good temporarily. And when the high fades, we run for more to chase that good feeling. Plus, WD is never pleasant so that keeps us from quitting as well.

    You've gotta want sobriety more than anything you've ever wanted. You have to fuel your recovery with action: NA, an addiction counselor, etc. Read the thread under "Need To Talk" by ARTIST658. She is amazing and offers wonderful advice. She's been clean for many years and works in the addiction field.

    You can beat this, but you have to be willing to leave pills behind for good.

    Kat

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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-02-2014 at 09:15 PM.

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    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    I don't know what you said that got your post deleted. But what Kat stated is absolutely correct. You are an ADDICT and you must acknowledge that fact and as addicts we cannot control our addiction. "chipping" only makes coming off later: after your children have no seen "sober" dad: that much harder.
    Dealing with this demon is the most important thing you will ever do in your lifetime bar none, and it is the hardest thing you will ever do in your lifetime.
    Many people get hung up on NA: Why do we recommend this? IT WORKS. You have to have the want to. It's pointless for us to tell you "chipping" is o.k. because it's not: read the thousands of threads here where addiction started with a pill or two on weekends: I read these posts at least once a week. Wanting the pills never ends there: WANT TO, you have to want it bad. No one here will say, oh, yeah, "chipping" using for important events etc. is o.k. it's not. It's hard hard hard to accept that you can never touch a pill again. But you can make the next right choice and not pick up a pill today. Move forward from there. Read ARTIST658's posts.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

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    Thanks guys. Now two of my posts got deleted. I'll try again later. Thanks for the support and advice.

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    tom27 is offline Member
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    I'm in the same dam boat,43 2 kids and every thing you said is true, I'm coming off of 6 years or 130-240 Norco 10/325, everyone knew something was wrong ive lost like 35 pounds look like craps, I'm on day 5 now and its getting alot better, just cant sleep, its 3:45 a.m. and still no sleep,as far as the family goes support is great to have, my wife is testing me regularly now, lucky I was sick over New years so laying in bed for a couple days after quiting helped ,I would like nothing more then being the great dad I used to be and I know you can to. look at what we have man , we have to do it for the kids, hang in there and be strong
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    blueopiate is offline Member
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    I can relate to the feelings you have. In a family of what some may call misfits and two definite addicts, brother->>>>>>, dad-drunk. I was the solid one. Responsible, good job, friends, and the million dollar family. My 10 year old son asked me yesterday, "can we do something together once your feeling better dad". I said sure choking back tears. In a flash it went through my head that he has not been my top priority for the past 8 years. 8 freaking years of what is suppose to be the funnest days of a child's life and I traded it all for what? Pills? Highs? I have never felt such shame as I do right now. I never cried more in my life later that night.

    But we have to accept we can't go back, only move forward. I want to tell my son when I actually get some good amount of clean time about all of it. I need to apologize. I have apologized to my wife the other day which I never have done. I am thinking of all these things all day and I can't block them out. Maybe I shouldn't block them out, maybe I deserve it, IDK. We can't go back, we can't think of "what ifs". Only if questions or thoughts will really get me upset. We just have to make good with the time we have now.

    God your story sounded so much like me, it nearly scared me.
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    tom27 is offline Member
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    ya it is a total shame, what did we become? same here about 8 years of this stuff, a couple of weeks ago my wife sent me a text, that to this day still makes me cry, she knew something was going on,I lost so much weight ,all the wanted me to do is come clean and get her help me, I didn't know what to do,I was caught ,but probably could have lied my way out of that one to, I did not respond to her text until the next morning after the kids went to school . I came total clean and spilled my guts, I got rid of everything I had, I have to thank her for that because I probably would have died, it wasn't even the high anymore it was my body just wanting those demons, I'm at the end of 12 now and feel good, just the anxiety before bed ,but sleeping good, just want more energy during the day, but ya I feel like a complete d>>k for being hi all those years, at least we still have time to make things right , take care my friend,Tom
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    wow thanks for replying. Unfortunately, I'm still in the same exact spot as when I wrote this.

    -First off, I'm on another day 1.
    -Second, this last relapse was my worst ever(by far the most stuff I ever done in a months amount of time)
    -Third, I did so much for so long because of the same reason I wrote this thread. I feel like a wayyy better person when I'm using. AND THATS SOOO BAAAAD. Before I started this thread, I always felt like I wanted out, and using was horrible. but since, I havn't had that feeling. and that is such a bad place to be.

    all I can say is for right now, I have to stop because of financial reasons(which I've totally destroyed in one month)... but that's the only reason I want to stop. to be honest if I had money I'd be using. and that is sooo baaaad.

    welp wish me luck on the next couple days anyways. from the amount I was using.. it's going to be horrible. not to mention, it's the middle of February and I'm gonna be freezing.

    sorry this is not a great positive comeback story, I really wish it was.

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    SoDone47 is offline New Member
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    Dude... I was the same as you... Pop some pills and I was the best dad... Baseball coach... Salesman in North America ... But at the end of the day... It's all >>>>... No really you... Or me... We're high! Been on suboxone now for 15 months after 5 years of PK's. I'm sodone with it all and I've tapered down to .75 mg per day... I figure after another month ... I'm jumping... Looking forward to feeling like my old self before the 3 surgeries ...

    You can do it ! Do it for you YOU! And your kids will love you for it!
    I_Hate_Suboxone likes this.

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    The Husband is offline Member
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    I had a high school friend in the same position as you and his most recent relapse he passed away from an OD. Hopefully you can get clean and stay that way.
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    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Dear I hate Suboxone,

    Your disease is progressing, apparent from how much you've been using lately. That's the nature of addiction - it always, always progresses. It takes more and more for us to even feel the 'high' any longer.

    The first question we need to ask ourselves when we relapse is, "What am I going to do DIFFERENTLY this time?" If our last try led to relapse, then we were not fully addressing our addiction and recovery.

    Did you go to meetings?
    Did you get a sponsor?
    Did you start working on the 12 steps with that sponsor?
    Did you obliterate any chance of getting more pills? (Clearly, no.)
    Did you get involved in regular substance abuse counseling?

    These are the concrete basic steps we need to take, when we are serious about getting clean - and staying clean. Half-hearted attempts to just stop the pills and then "wing it" simply do not last. You are fighting a monster of a disease, and you can't succeed if you aren't fully committed to the effort required.

    That sense that you were a "way better person" while you were using was because your mind and emotions were incredibly skewed by the drugs. Drugs numbed any guilt, shame, self-loathing. Drugs numbed any anger or resentments, so you could just play, play, play. Good time Dad, right? (I know - I was "good time Mom", too!) Drugs numbed life - and what the family saw was a numbed-out dad. You felt good - and judged everything else accordingly. I doubt your wife, kids or family thought you were a "way better person" when you were high. I doubt they liked seeing your glassy eyes when they spoke to you. Dad was only half-present, but laughing away.

    Drug-free, you're facing reality - and that may hurt for a while, but it's the only way out of the nightmare. it is truly a situation of "short-term pain for long-term gain." Get past the withdrawals and into genuine recovery, and you'll find out there's a whole different world out there you're missing.

    Then - and only then - can you discover the feelings you've missed out on. Drugs give a false sense of happiness, while real happiness eludes us. Once we get into recovery, we get to feel genuine happiness, joy, excitement. We get to experience natural highs, and not suffer any consequence from those feelings.

    If you are hesitant about how much you want this, look at your family. How badly do they want it for you? How much do they deserve it? Try this - think about how you would feel if your wife were doing what you were doing - and you had that kind of "partner" running your household and caring for your children. It feels pretty awful being the spouse of the glassy-eyed partner. Get in touch with what the drugs really do to you and your family - and you'll get in touch with the desire to do better.

    I was in your shoes - and it sucks, I know. I had been a "chipper" - but that got worse. I knew I needed recovery - but I had stopped wanting it. Along that time, I said a prayer - half-heartedly, I think - saying, "If you want me to stop, God - you're going to have to hit me over the head with a 2 by 4." He did - soon thereafter - I had to call my "kid" to bail me out of jail, after I drove through Boston in a blackout and totalled my car. It was the Grace of God I didn't kill someone else. Wasn't so fun after that. I've been clean ever since then - 10+ years. And my life has NEVER been better. Seriously!

    "The Husband" made a great point - you're dealing with a lethal disease, and you can only play Russian Roulette for so long. And while you're on the fence about whether or not you want it, it could kill you - or kill others.

    God bless,
    Ruth
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    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

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    WOW. THANKS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT.

    Welp, first off,,, I guess through this whole thing, I've never even contemplated that this is also lethal. Just being honest. I think I always thought I didn't do that much so it never crossed my mind. But guess what, these last couple relapses... I WAS PROBABLY CLOSE TO SOMETHING real bad. I was doing so much more than I've ever done.
    and to add to that, someone just told me every relapse is worse. so this lethal thing is something very real now. thanks for the warning.

    Then, To Artist... First off, congrats. your story is amazing. I pray to god I can be that triumphant some day. second, thanks for the advice. I have never had any support system. the only support I have is this: my wife wants to leave me. and that's just cause she caught me smoking pot. if she knew about all of this, she would leave. so it's all a big secret. every time I'm dope sick, I have to act like I'm 100% fine for three weeks when I'm really in hell. It's very hard. then after those three weeks, I still have no support system and that's when the head games start with the "all I can just do one now".

    so to answer your question, "YES I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT" and this time I HAVE TO. I literally have no more money AND I CANNOT FACE THE ANXIETY OF ANOTHER DAY 1. I can't.

    I can't go to meetings so maybe I can post on here every night or something I need to find another way to deal with my work/life stress once I'm past that first three weeks.

  16. #16
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    welp the good news is: something snapped in my brain and said it's time to be done. I want to quit again. bad.

    I'm on day 6 from a 2 day relapse. before that I had a whole week in. I definitely don't feel "Good". I don't feel "Bad" either. Mainly I'm just very tired and have some pretty bad anxiety, at night especially.

    but it's time to get tough. I'm DONE. No more day 1's this last one I felt so defeated.

    there's no doubt im in the best place mentally I've been in, in a looong time.

    my wife actually loves me again(doesn't know about recent relpases.. she thinks I been good for round 5 months.) and my family seems to trust me again.

    I worked out some major financial issues this last week too. which is a huge stress off my back.
    I had my review at work on Friday and it went really good.

    AND SUMMER IS COMING

    things are lookin up all around

    ... I have some vacation coming and a bunch of other planned events that are fun and I can't be dope sick to enjoy... so I'm trying to focus on the positive things coming down the pipe and it's helping. not to mention just the thought of some warm days.

    I'm just gonna keep posting.

    And I vough.. no more day ones

  17. #17
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by I_Hate_Suboxone View Post

    so to answer your question, "YES I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT" and this time I HAVE TO. I literally have no more money AND I CANNOT FACE THE ANXIETY OF ANOTHER DAY 1. I can't.

    I can't go to meetings so maybe I can post on here every night or something I need to find another way to deal with my work/life stress once I'm past that first three weeks.


    Can't? Or won't?

    Those meetings aren't a nice little touch to add icing to the cake of recovery. Those meetings (and 12-step program) are the cake, itself.

    I suspect you don't realize what the 12-step programs are all about. That is where you'll learn the coping skills to deal with stress. Through working the steps, we grow and develop as mature people, capable of handling what life doles out, without turning to another crutch to cope. Refusing to go to meetings is refusing the very plan you need.

    Vows are great - we all make them, and we all MEAN it when we say it. But this disease doesn't care about promises. This disease is a powerful, insidious, complex monster - and you are grossly underestimating the power of your disease if you think you can fight it without a bona fide program of recovery.

    Posting here is great to vent and gain encouragement - but it does not give you the life skills you NEED to stay clean. Those coping skills to deal with stress do not just come to us by osmosis - and we can't teach ourselves something we do not know.

    I wish you much success.

    God bless,
    Ruth
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    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

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    Artist,

    it's sad to say the answer to your question is CAN"T.

    if I do that, my wife will leave me and take my kids with a vengeance of a demon. like I said, she caught me smoking herbs, and literally was on the phone with the police, was packing my bags, and called my parents, my siblings, even my nieces and nephews found out(which really killed me inside).

    that was just some weed.
    If I came clean about my opiate addiction, my life as I know it, is OVER. I'm 35, I have three kids, a wife, a dog, a house, 2 vehicles.. I havn't been unemployed since the day I left college 15 yrs ago. my wife has never had to work. I have worked my absolute butt off for what I have. I DON"T WANT TO LOSE IT NOW. I actually love my wife and my life with a passion and do not want to lose it all. can't. I'd die inside if I couldn't see my kids every day.

    I didn't eat a pk till I was 30. so the first ten years out of school, I didn't even know anything about this hell.
    I need to get back to that place in my mind. where I was before that first stupid pill.

    Bottom line, I WISH I COULD GO TO A REHAB AND THEN INTO RECOVERY. I WISH IT MORE THAN ANYTHING. especially this last year. and especially especially when going through detox, I think about that all the time. BUT I CAN"t.

    I'm the sole income for a family of 5. I don't have time for anyting but work and kid care.
    Most days, I barely have time to shower. I'm always on the move with three little boys. not to mention my wife would straight up never talk to me and take my kids and move to her home town about an hr away.

    a lot of times when >> be dope sick as a dog, I'd just wish I could have one day to myself to get my head on straight. let alone as much time as it would take to go to rehab and meetings.

    although these pills are demons and NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE GETTING INTO UNTIL THE FIRST TIME THEY GO INTO WITHDRAWAL.... THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. I"M NOT GOING TO Sugar coat it. I could of never touched one. I have tremendous guilt at this point. And shame.

    But I'm going to fight with everything I have.

    sorry for such a long rant. I just started typing and that's what came out.

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    Welp today is day 7 and I don't feel good at all. I'm extremely tired all day, havin stomach problems, and have anxiety real bad.

    I barely slept last night.

    I thought I was past this but I guess I'm not.

    I was literally passing out at work. I have extreme pins and needles in my arms.

    im just confused. I really thought I was past this.

  20. #20
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Clearly, recovery is essential - for you and your family. I understand that - and I want you to have the best possible chance at success.

    Your wife knows that you used to use drugs, as you've said. Isn't there a way to simply say that you want to check out some NA meetings to see if that might make your life a little easier in recovery? You don't have to "confess" to a recent relapse. That isn't required. But to tell her that you have heard that NA can be helpful in developing your coping skills shouldn't raise alarm bells in her mind. If I were your wife, I'd be glad to hear you want to do something to strengthen your ability to stay clean.

    Your chances of successful recovery without a 12-step program are slim. All the "mind-over-matter" in the world doesn't stand up against the power of this disease. Guilt and shame don't keep us clean; in fact, more often than not, our guilt and shame lead us back to using. Until we have the skills to deal with these emotions, the natural instinct of an addict is to reach for a drug. NA will give you the skills.

    God bless,
    Ruth
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

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    I wish my wife had ur attitude. I really did. she is not supportive at all. she's just evil about the whole thing. If I said I wanted to go to a meeting, even one, she'd be like... no cause then that means she has to watch the kids so I could actually do something for myself. let alone start some sort of program that you put a lot of time into.

    She thinks I've been sober and all good now for a good while.

    So anything like that would alarm her. especially because she just thinks I smoked pot.

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    welp, it's night 8. still no sleep last night. I ran out of immodium three days ago and I just figured I'd go without it. I was wrong. I still need it. it has actually made a huge positive difference taking it again today.

    I actually kind of feel happy tonight. I got back on the guitar for the first time tonight in two weeks so that's a good sign. I'm really hoping when I hit the two week point, a lot of the physical stuff will be gone and I can just sleep again. we will see what happens tonight I guess. sleep pleassseeeeeeee.

  23. #23
    The Husband is offline Member
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    Good going on making it to the 8th night I sure hope you can stick with it this time. Each relapse is not only more dangerous but the w/d are always worse... Prayers for you to beat the demon.
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    well it's night 9. last night I actually slept 5 straight hrs. then maybe a light slumber for a couple hrs as well.

    and I actually felt "almost fine" physically today. just tired more than anything.

    I'm positive it's the immodium helping me physically. with the pains, and with sleep.
    I didn't take it for a couple days and I was hurting bad. as soon as I started taking it again, im almost fine physically.

    now if immodium could just cure the mental problems as well..... lol but ill take what I can get at this point.

    I did have some cravings after work today. I guess that's because that was when I'd always roll to the spot for my stuff. it wasn't like a conscious craving, more just like a subconscious feeling.

    mentally right now, I'm actually doing quite good. 100 times better than when I started this thread. I'm glad to be done with these demons. when I started this thread, I couldn't even fathom that.

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    THanks Husband. I'm gonna keep that in mind. I can't take any more "worse w/d". I can't do it again.

  26. #26
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by I_Hate_Suboxone View Post
    Artist,

    it's sad to say the answer to your question is CAN"T.

    if I do that, my wife will leave me and take my kids with a vengeance of a demon. like I said, she caught me smoking herbs, and literally was on the phone with the police, was packing my bags, and called my parents, my siblings, even my nieces and nephews found out(which really killed me inside).

    that was just some weed.
    If I came clean about my opiate addiction, my life as I know it, is OVER. I'm 35, I have three kids, a wife, a dog, a house, 2 vehicles.. I havn't been unemployed since the day I left college 15 yrs ago. my wife has never had to work. I have worked my absolute butt off for what I have. I DON"T WANT TO LOSE IT NOW. I actually love my wife and my life with a passion and do not want to lose it all. can't. I'd die inside if I couldn't see my kids every day.

    I didn't eat a pk till I was 30. so the first ten years out of school, I didn't even know anything about this hell.
    I need to get back to that place in my mind. where I was before that first stupid pill.

    Bottom line, I WISH I COULD GO TO A REHAB AND THEN INTO RECOVERY. I WISH IT MORE THAN ANYTHING. especially this last year. and especially especially when going through detox, I think about that all the time. BUT I CAN"t.

    I'm the sole income for a family of 5. I don't have time for anyting but work and kid care.
    Most days, I barely have time to shower. I'm always on the move with three little boys. not to mention my wife would straight up never talk to me and take my kids and move to her home town about an hr away.

    a lot of times when >> be dope sick as a dog, I'd just wish I could have one day to myself to get my head on straight. let alone as much time as it would take to go to rehab and meetings.

    although these pills are demons and NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE GETTING INTO UNTIL THE FIRST TIME THEY GO INTO WITHDRAWAL.... THIS IS ALL MY FAULT. I"M NOT GOING TO Sugar coat it. I could of never touched one. I have tremendous guilt at this point. And shame.

    But I'm going to fight with everything I have.

    sorry for such a long rant. I just started typing and that's what came out.

    I saw on Lindenx's thread that you relapsed this past weekend, so I came over here to see what's up - rather surprised that you didn't post it here on your own thread. At what point will you see that willpower alone will not cure drug addiction? You've proven this to yourself over and over, but you keep doing the same thing you've done in the past. And you keep ending up in the same place.

    The fact is that most addicts, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drug use.
    Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent.
    We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force
    the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.
    We are without defense against the first pill.
    - Alcoholics Anonymous, p.24 (paraphrased for N.A.)


    Your disease is running the show. You insisted to me (in the post above) that your wife's reaction to you attending meetings would be impossible to bear - all hell would break loose. But while you're terribly concerned about your wife's reaction about meetings, that concern didn't extend to keeping you from using more drugs this past weekend. Can you see... your disease is dictating your behavior! And until you turn that around, you're stuck on the same merry-go-round. The first step OFF that merry-go-round is meetings.

    I do not know what's going to happen to you, but I know that you've attempted to do this many times on your own - and it's resulted in relapse, over and over. At what point do you realize that you can not do this on your own? How much more misery is it going to take?

    Keeping you in my prayers,
    Ruth

    I_Hate_Suboxone likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  27. #27
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
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    Artist, you are so right about everything. everything. that quote you wrote me is very powerful and makes TOTAL SENSE. that's exactly how I feel. and exactly what keeps happening over and over. it's like my subconscious takes over and I have no power over it.

    SO I took a step today. not the step u suggest, but it's something. I made an appointment with a drug and alcohol counselor. I'm doing it during work hours so my wife doesn't know I'm going. My first appointment is next week. Do you think this is ok?

    I know by my posts it doesn't seem like I'm serious about staying clean but I really am. I have a family and this makes me sick that I can't control this. I probably seem like a horrible person to some people, but that quote Artist posted above really hits home of what is happening to me. and basically everything she has said as well.

    just to update for myself especially, I made it 13 full days and relapsed again for 2 days. and before the 13 full days had a whole week in and relapsed for a day. so I've used three days in three weeks. and had physical withdrawal every time.
    every year I have an annual event for my buddy who died in Iraq, it's a huge social event and all my friends come together for this one night. and guess what, I broke and did some opiates.
    I used 30 percent of my usual dose. And I feel like total >>>> physically and mentally. the mental defeat is horrible. I'm glad I stopped when I did and didn't just say screw it for another day or two because it would of been way worse physically and mentally as well. I'm on day 2 again now. the physical is letting up a little, but the mental not even close.

    For future reference, I don't care what anyone says, there is no way someone who has been addicted to opiates at any point, can use and not go through withdrawal again for a few days. no way. none.

  28. #28
    Nanette50 is offline Banned
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    Mar 2014
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    Dear I hate subs, I hate calling you I hate. Anyhoo, I don't know much about withdrawal except that no one has ever quit the first, or second, or third time etc. Colonel Sanders made like a thousand batches of chicken until he found the magic formula . YOU my dear boy are going to beat this, the desire is strong in your posts, you're just building up until it is one day going to be STRONGER than the desire to take pills. Just keep pushing thru that wall a little harder, you're resistance power gets more finely tuned each time. I know one day I'll be reading where you are at day 20, then day 50....yes, I'm watching you, hee hee.

    You're already a hero, taking care of a wife and three children. Way to go! Keep up the good fight.

  29. #29
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    Yes, on the substance abuse counselor - that is a step in the right direction. Please try to make the best use of him/her by being as brutally honest as you can. As addicts, we tend to "edit' what we say, and the best way that counseling can work is if we try to be completely open - and unedited.

    Excuse me a moment while I return to my broken record...

    If your lunch hour is an option to use, please check out the NA and AA websites, and see if there are some noontime meetings in your area, that you can get to on your lunch hour. I don't know if you realized, but there are meetings all throughout the day and evening. Many simply bring their brown bag with them, and eat at the meeting. It may mean missing a few minutes of the beginning and/or the end, but part of a meeting is better that no meeting! You might also consider early morning meetings - like at 7am. There are ways to squeeze in meetings during your work day.

    Here's the links to find meetings:

    AA http://www.aa.org/lang/en/central_of...m?origpage=373

    NO - NO - NO - you are NOT a horrible person, not at all!!! You are no different than me - and I know I'm not a horrible person! We have a mind-boggling, logic-twisting disease, period. I am not judging you as a person, I promise. When I get "direct" as I did - in essence, I'm talking to the disease. In a strange way, I'm bombarding your disease with the cold, hard facts. Our disease talks to us all the time... when we don't even realize it. It is busy justifying and rationalizing as best it can. So my "firm" approach is trying to counteract the disease's messages. I don't know if that makes sense to you, or if I sound completely deranged.. lol

    I'm a little concerned by Nanette's message - that basically suggests that relapse is inevitable, which it is not. In fact, at any point, a relapse can spell tragic consequences. Here's a message from the addiction folks at Hazelden that speaks to it well:

    "A common rationalization about not making the program goes like this, "Harry over there slipped ten times before he made it. So what if I slip a few times?"

    What is overlooked is that the last time Jack slipped, he slipped into a coffin; the last time Bob slipped, his baby son burned to death in a crib because of Bob's negligence; the last time Ann slipped, she got strychnine poisoning and became blind; and the last time Jim slipped, he tried to kill his wife and nearly did.

    We're not playing games here. This is a matter of life and death."

    When we relapse, we do not always have the chance to start again. First off, once we allow our disease back into control, we may lose any desire to fight for recovery. Second off, this disease is progressive - it gets worse with time. One time, we simply may hit consequences that won't allow us to turn it around. And as for the statement about "resistance power" - there is no place I've ever heard that it "gets more finely tuned each time." Quite the opposite, in fact. Your disease grows stronger each time.

    If I picked up today - after more than 10 years clean - I can not be sure if I can make it back into recovery. Seriously - I know that with the first pill, I am ruled by my disease. Those are odds I do not dare to take.

    Believe it or not, I am pulling for you!
    Ruth
    Last edited by Anonymous; 10-20-2015 at 09:35 PM.
    Iwantoff2013 likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  30. #30
    ARTIST658 is offline Advanced Member
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    I Hate Suboxone - How about an update? How are you doing?

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

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