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24 Years Old w/ 7 years of Substance Abuse - Story and Help!!!
  1. #1
    chaosandroses is offline New Member
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    Default 24 Years Old w/ 7 years of Substance Abuse - Story and Help!!!

    Tic tacs were pills to my 5 year old self. Somehow, without the knowledge of why, I had the urge to discover parts of my brain that were untouched, to quell anxieties and an overactive mind. I grew up with little life guidance or coping skills, and social anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, extreme shyness, an upsetting and unfulfilling home life, and high intelligence and sensitivity led to an ugly manifestation of depression in high school. I began researching drugs to the point of obsession. I began shutting down in class, and even began pretending I was high (I knew how powerful our brains are, and it sort of tricked itself just enough that I didn't think about my personal issues). I know. Weird. And so strange that an innocent childhood imagination could be so prophetic.

    Both of my parents were prescribed opiates, benzos, muscle relaxers...and by the time I was 16, I was on antidepressants My mom started to give me half a Xanax because she didn't know how else to deal with my shifting moods and severe panic. I was in such need of some way to deal with the emotional pain that all the Xanax did was bring me back to baseline. I didn't seek it out - but it was the start.
    I had my first taste of the loopy, heavy, numb intoxication that Soma provided when she gave me one after a particularly grueling 2-day martial arts practice. I could barely move and had terribly restless legs, and the Soma, before totally knocking me out, lifted the pain, calmed me down and showed me that there was potential for "happiness" in this. I was 17.

    Fast forward 6 months, and I came across the bottle of Soma in our vitamin cabinet. I wish I could remember exactly what went through my head when I saw what they were, but I took 3 and popped them, holed myself up in my room, and 30 minutes later, I was slapping my face because it felt so weird, looking around at the whirling room, smiling, laughing, talking to myself...I felt incredibly social, like I could go and talk to anyone at all without feeling completely scared. I thought "this is how I am supposed to be".

    The old cough and pop trick came in handy in class, senior year, when I started taking them regularly. Maybe 3 a day, at once. I felt free. No self-consciousness, no tied tongue. Looking back is very difficult, and very sad. Near the end of senior year I was up to 5 at once and then maybe 1 or 2 later. On top of this, my mom was still giving me Xanax off and on, as well as a Norco for the stupid pain of martial arts training. I wish to high Heaven she and I went a different route! What a stupid way to cope...
    No one knew. I had always been the straight-A, reserved, sweet, caring, well-behaved girl. And now I had a secret. I got very good at hiding that I was high, just like I was good at hiding everything else going on inside my head.

    But then, nearing the end of senior year, I fell in our driveway while very high on a cocktail of the three drugs. My mom saw and freaked out, but I insisted, slurringly, that I was fine. I stumbled into the house and slipped in the bathroom, falling on the toilet but managing to break off the lid. Now she knew something was wrong. Torn knees and arms and bruising, all from falling while simply walking.

    I can't tell if it was better that I told her or not. She started regulating what I got. And I started sneaking the Norcos from her. Why did she not hide them? I imagine this was all so shocking to her that she didn't know how to process it. And I never thought what all of this was doing to my developing brain.

    Eventually she found out that I had been taking the others as well and she started hiding them. I would get so desperate tearing the place apart looking for them, and it eventually got to the point where my asking for them was too much for her, so she began giving me a certain number a day. Through college, whenever I saw her, I would get an amount, maybe 20 every 2 months. My addiction was not comparable to say, someone taking 10 every single day, but it was certainly enough.

    Things really hit the fan in 2016. I left school, came home, got ditched by my boyfriend of 3 years, and I fell off the deep end. I starting taking things like crazy, and binge drinking. A typical dose was either 5 of each and drink, or 7 or 8 of each. Three times I ended up in the hospital. The second time I almost died from having taken a cocktail of pills and booze, and the third time I was sent to a 5150 place 2 hours away from home after popping 10 Ativan. I was enrolled in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy when I was sent there.

    Since then, I've changed. Rather, I've discovered who I am, but I still struggle with pills. It's the only way I know how to cope, and I don't what to do. I'm still taking 30 Soma a month, and 20 Norco. I quit drinking altogether since almost dying, but the strain on the relationship between my mom and I is too much. I have no desire to seek the pills out in other ways, and she doesn't have the heart to refuse me. But I NEED to quit. The thought of going through a day with the crippling social anxiety, awkwardness, feeling restricted, scared, stressed, worried... I just don't know how to cope.

    I guess I needed to have this read by people who might understand. I'm afraid to get help. Very afraid. I want no one to know I am still going through this. Everyone thinks I quit long ago. My medical bills from the hospitals and ambulances is another story altogether, but I am afraid to seek professional help. But, clearly, I need it.

    Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-17-2018 at 02:12 PM.

  2. #2
    RightTurn33 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by chaosandroses View Post
    Tic tacs were pills to my 5 year old self. Somehow, without the knowledge of why, I had the urge to discover parts of my brain that were untouched, to quell anxieties and an overactive mind. I grew up with little life guidance or coping skills, and social anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, extreme shyness, an upsetting and unfulfilling home life, and high intelligence and sensitivity led to an ugly manifestation of depression in high school. I began researching drugs to the point of obsession. I began shutting down in class, and even began pretending I was high (I knew how powerful our brains are, and it sort of tricked itself just enough that I didn't think about my personal issues). I know. Weird. And so strange that an innocent childhood imagination could be so prophetic.

    Both of my parents were prescribed opiates, benzos, muscle relaxers...and by the time I was 16, I was on antidepressants My mom started to give me half a Xanax because she didn't know how else to deal with my shifting moods and severe panic. I was in such need of some way to deal with the emotional pain that all the Xanax did was bring me back to baseline. I didn't seek it out - but it was the start.
    I had my first taste of the loopy, heavy, numb intoxication that Soma provided when she gave me one after a particularly grueling 2-day martial arts practice. I could barely move and had terribly restless legs, and the Soma, before totally knocking me out, lifted the pain, calmed me down and showed me that there was potential for "happiness" in this. I was 17.

    Fast forward 6 months, and I came across the bottle of Soma in our vitamin cabinet. I wish I could remember exactly what went through my head when I saw what they were, but I took 3 and popped them, holed myself up in my room, and 30 minutes later, I was slapping my face because it felt so weird, looking around at the whirling room, smiling, laughing, talking to myself...I felt incredibly social, like I could go and talk to anyone at all without feeling completely scared. I thought "this is how I am supposed to be".

    The old cough and pop trick came in handy in class, senior year, when I started taking them regularly. Maybe 3 a day, at once. I felt free. No self-consciousness, no tied tongue. Looking back is very difficult, and very sad. Near the end of senior year I was up to 5 at once and then maybe 1 or 2 later. On top of this, my mom was still giving me Xanax off and on, as well as a Norco for the stupid pain of martial arts training. I wish to high Heaven she and I went a different route! What a stupid way to cope...
    No one knew. I had always been the straight-A, reserved, sweet, caring, well-behaved girl. And now I had a secret. I got very good at hiding that I was high, just like I was good at hiding everything else going on inside my head.

    But then, nearing the end of senior year, I fell in our driveway while very high on a cocktail of the three drugs. My mom saw and freaked out, but I insisted, slurringly, that I was fine. I stumbled into the house and slipped in the bathroom, falling on the toilet but managing to break off the lid. Now she knew something was wrong. Torn knees and arms and bruising, all from falling while simply walking.

    I can't tell if it was better that I told her or not. She started regulating what I got. And I started sneaking the Norcos from her. Why did she not hide them? I imagine this was all so shocking to her that she didn't know how to process it. And I never thought what all of this was doing to my developing brain.

    Eventually she found out that I had been taking the others as well and she started hiding them. I would get so desperate tearing the place apart looking for them, and it eventually got to the point where my asking for them was too much for her, so she began giving me a certain number a day. Through college, whenever I saw her, I would get an amount, maybe 20 every 2 months. My addiction was not comparable to say, someone taking 10 every single day, but it was certainly enough.

    Things really hit the fan in 2016. I left school, came home, got ditched by my boyfriend of 3 years, and I fell off the deep end. I starting taking things like crazy, and binge drinking. A typical dose was either 5 of each and drink, or 7 or 8 of each. Three times I ended up in the hospital. The second time I almost died from having taken a cocktail of pills and booze, and the third time I was sent to a 5150 place 2 hours away from home after popping 10 Ativan. I was enrolled in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy when I was sent there.

    Since then, I've changed. Rather, I've discovered who I am, but I still struggle with pills. It's the only way I know how to cope, and I don't what to do. I'm still taking 30 Soma a month, and 20 Norco. I quit drinking altogether since almost dying, but the strain on the relationship between my mom and I is too much. I have no desire to seek the pills out in other ways, and she doesn't have the heart to refuse me. But I NEED to quit. The thought of going through a day with the crippling social anxiety, awkwardness, feeling restricted, scared, stressed, worried... I just don't know how to cope.

    I guess I needed to have this read by people who might understand. I'm afraid to get help. Very afraid. I want no one to know I am still going through this. Everyone thinks I quit long ago. My medical bills from the hospitals and ambulances is another story altogether, but I am afraid to seek professional help. But, clearly, I need it.

    Thanks for reading.
    I believe firmly you need professional care in a rehab facility. You're clearly very intelligent. Talk to your Mom. Better yet, show her what you have written. You have a very bright future.

  3. #3
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by chaosandroses View Post
    Tic tacs were pills to my 5 year old self. Somehow, without the knowledge of why, I had the urge to discover parts of my brain that were untouched, to quell anxieties and an overactive mind. I grew up with little life guidance or coping skills, and social anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, extreme shyness, an upsetting and unfulfilling home life, and high intelligence and sensitivity led to an ugly manifestation of depression in high school. I began researching drugs to the point of obsession. I began shutting down in class, and even began pretending I was high (I knew how powerful our brains are, and it sort of tricked itself just enough that I didn't think about my personal issues). I know. Weird. And so strange that an innocent childhood imagination could be so prophetic.

    Both of my parents were prescribed opiates, benzos, muscle relaxers...and by the time I was 16, I was on antidepressants My mom started to give me half a Xanax because she didn't know how else to deal with my shifting moods and severe panic. I was in such need of some way to deal with the emotional pain that all the Xanax did was bring me back to baseline. I didn't seek it out - but it was the start.
    I had my first taste of the loopy, heavy, numb intoxication that Soma provided when she gave me one after a particularly grueling 2-day martial arts practice. I could barely move and had terribly restless legs, and the Soma, before totally knocking me out, lifted the pain, calmed me down and showed me that there was potential for "happiness" in this. I was 17.

    Fast forward 6 months, and I came across the bottle of Soma in our vitamin cabinet. I wish I could remember exactly what went through my head when I saw what they were, but I took 3 and popped them, holed myself up in my room, and 30 minutes later, I was slapping my face because it felt so weird, looking around at the whirling room, smiling, laughing, talking to myself...I felt incredibly social, like I could go and talk to anyone at all without feeling completely scared. I thought "this is how I am supposed to be".

    The old cough and pop trick came in handy in class, senior year, when I started taking them regularly. Maybe 3 a day, at once. I felt free. No self-consciousness, no tied tongue. Looking back is very difficult, and very sad. Near the end of senior year I was up to 5 at once and then maybe 1 or 2 later. On top of this, my mom was still giving me Xanax off and on, as well as a Norco for the stupid pain of martial arts training. I wish to high Heaven she and I went a different route! What a stupid way to cope...
    No one knew. I had always been the straight-A, reserved, sweet, caring, well-behaved girl. And now I had a secret. I got very good at hiding that I was high, just like I was good at hiding everything else going on inside my head.

    But then, nearing the end of senior year, I fell in our driveway while very high on a cocktail of the three drugs. My mom saw and freaked out, but I insisted, slurringly, that I was fine. I stumbled into the house and slipped in the bathroom, falling on the toilet but managing to break off the lid. Now she knew something was wrong. Torn knees and arms and bruising, all from falling while simply walking.

    I can't tell if it was better that I told her or not. She started regulating what I got. And I started sneaking the Norcos from her. Why did she not hide them? I imagine this was all so shocking to her that she didn't know how to process it. And I never thought what all of this was doing to my developing brain.

    Eventually she found out that I had been taking the others as well and she started hiding them. I would get so desperate tearing the place apart looking for them, and it eventually got to the point where my asking for them was too much for her, so she began giving me a certain number a day. Through college, whenever I saw her, I would get an amount, maybe 20 every 2 months. My addiction was not comparable to say, someone taking 10 every single day, but it was certainly enough.

    Things really hit the fan in 2016. I left school, came home, got ditched by my boyfriend of 3 years, and I fell off the deep end. I starting taking things like crazy, and binge drinking. A typical dose was either 5 of each and drink, or 7 or 8 of each. Three times I ended up in the hospital. The second time I almost died from having taken a cocktail of pills and booze, and the third time I was sent to a 5150 place 2 hours away from home after popping 10 Ativan. I was enrolled in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy when I was sent there.

    Since then, I've changed. Rather, I've discovered who I am, but I still struggle with pills. It's the only way I know how to cope, and I don't what to do. I'm still taking 30 Soma a month, and 20 Norco. I quit drinking altogether since almost dying, but the strain on the relationship between my mom and I is too much. I have no desire to seek the pills out in other ways, and she doesn't have the heart to refuse me. But I NEED to quit. The thought of going through a day with the crippling social anxiety, awkwardness, feeling restricted, scared, stressed, worried... I just don't know how to cope.

    I guess I needed to have this read by people who might understand. I'm afraid to get help. Very afraid. I want no one to know I am still going through this. Everyone thinks I quit long ago. My medical bills from the hospitals and ambulances is another story altogether, but I am afraid to seek professional help. But, clearly, I need it.

    Thanks for reading.


    Hello Chaosandroses, welcome to the forum.

    You're in a great place for help and support. You're an addict, just like most everyone else here. You're now speaking with people that have been in your shoes, or currently doing the very same things you are. And in some cases, much, much worse. We totally understand what it is you're dealing with. And this is a judgement free place so always speak freely.

    I'll tell you that the only way you'll ever get clean is if you want it more than anything else in the world. Can't go at it half way, can't give a less than 100% effort, you have to really want this for yourself. And you just can't do it alone. You need all the help you can get whether it's professional visits with a therapist or counselor, or by attending NA, AA, Celebrate Recovery, Smart Recovery, or any other face to face support group. It's scary to get the ball rolling, but it's help you definitely need during this time. You need someone to hold you accountable for your actions, and any of those sources I mentioned will do that for you. This forum is an amazing place with experienced people that care for you more than you might imagine. But it can not take the place of face to face help and support.

    Your next course of action would be to stop taking all drugs, and cut off all methods of obtaining them. That means informing any doctor or pharmacy you receive pills from, and telling your mother just how severe things have gotten. She's your mother and will love you no matter what, and hopefully be very understanding and willing to help you through this. Her enabling you has to stop. For her I highly recommend she attend some Naranon or Alanon meetings herself. She'll understand more about this from others with loved ones in trouble with drugs. You'll help her help you by suggesting this to her and doing everything to get her to attend. Meetings are everywhere these days.

    You're very young and highly intelligent, with a very bright future. Don't waste another day under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. You don't want to end up like I did. What began as some pills after a knee surgery turned into an 18+ year addiction to every drug on earth. Pills, alcohol, C, H, and Benzo's all the time. Landed in the ER multiple times near death. Had it all you might say. And lost it all too. House, car, job, fiancé, family and friends all gone. Eventually got myself together and got clean hopefully for the last time. I'll have 4 years clean this coming July. You have a golden opportunity to stop now before things get worse, which they always do as addiction is a progressive disease.

    You can taper the Soma and Norco, but it's a very tough thing to do. Takes willpower and determination. Cold turkey gets it over with quickly. About a weeks worth of rough symptoms and the days get better after that. Theres many vitamins and supplements that will help, as will lots of fluids and exercise. But again no matter what method you use the want to do it has to be your top priority.

    Keep posting, read around the different forums here. Others will be here too I'm sure.

    Randy

  4. #4
    Wavision is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by chaosandroses View Post
    Tic tacs were pills to my 5 year old self. Somehow, without the knowledge of why, I had the urge to discover parts of my brain that were untouched, to quell anxieties and an overactive mind. I grew up with little life guidance or coping skills, and social anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, extreme shyness, an upsetting and unfulfilling home life, and high intelligence and sensitivity led to an ugly manifestation of depression in high school. I began researching drugs to the point of obsession. I began shutting down in class, and even began pretending I was high (I knew how powerful our brains are, and it sort of tricked itself just enough that I didn't think about my personal issues). I know. Weird. And so strange that an innocent childhood imagination could be so prophetic.

    Both of my parents were prescribed opiates, benzos, muscle relaxers...and by the time I was 16, I was on antidepressants My mom started to give me half a Xanax because she didn't know how else to deal with my shifting moods and severe panic. I was in such need of some way to deal with the emotional pain that all the Xanax did was bring me back to baseline. I didn't seek it out - but it was the start.
    I had my first taste of the loopy, heavy, numb intoxication that Soma provided when she gave me one after a particularly grueling 2-day martial arts practice. I could barely move and had terribly restless legs, and the Soma, before totally knocking me out, lifted the pain, calmed me down and showed me that there was potential for "happiness" in this. I was 17.

    Fast forward 6 months, and I came across the bottle of Soma in our vitamin cabinet. I wish I could remember exactly what went through my head when I saw what they were, but I took 3 and popped them, holed myself up in my room, and 30 minutes later, I was slapping my face because it felt so weird, looking around at the whirling room, smiling, laughing, talking to myself...I felt incredibly social, like I could go and talk to anyone at all without feeling completely scared. I thought "this is how I am supposed to be".

    The old cough and pop trick came in handy in class, senior year, when I started taking them regularly. Maybe 3 a day, at once. I felt free. No self-consciousness, no tied tongue. Looking back is very difficult, and very sad. Near the end of senior year I was up to 5 at once and then maybe 1 or 2 later. On top of this, my mom was still giving me Xanax off and on, as well as a Norco for the stupid pain of martial arts training. I wish to high Heaven she and I went a different route! What a stupid way to cope...
    No one knew. I had always been the straight-A, reserved, sweet, caring, well-behaved girl. And now I had a secret. I got very good at hiding that I was high, just like I was good at hiding everything else going on inside my head.

    But then, nearing the end of senior year, I fell in our driveway while very high on a cocktail of the three drugs. My mom saw and freaked out, but I insisted, slurringly, that I was fine. I stumbled into the house and slipped in the bathroom, falling on the toilet but managing to break off the lid. Now she knew something was wrong. Torn knees and arms and bruising, all from falling while simply walking.

    I can't tell if it was better that I told her or not. She started regulating what I got. And I started sneaking the Norcos from her. Why did she not hide them? I imagine this was all so shocking to her that she didn't know how to process it. And I never thought what all of this was doing to my developing brain.

    Eventually she found out that I had been taking the others as well and she started hiding them. I would get so desperate tearing the place apart looking for them, and it eventually got to the point where my asking for them was too much for her, so she began giving me a certain number a day. Through college, whenever I saw her, I would get an amount, maybe 20 every 2 months. My addiction was not comparable to say, someone taking 10 every single day, but it was certainly enough.

    Things really hit the fan in 2016. I left school, came home, got ditched by my boyfriend of 3 years, and I fell off the deep end. I starting taking things like crazy, and binge drinking. A typical dose was either 5 of each and drink, or 7 or 8 of each. Three times I ended up in the hospital. The second time I almost died from having taken a cocktail of pills and booze, and the third time I was sent to a 5150 place 2 hours away from home after popping 10 Ativan. I was enrolled in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy when I was sent there.

    Since then, I've changed. Rather, I've discovered who I am, but I still struggle with pills. It's the only way I know how to cope, and I don't what to do. I'm still taking 30 Soma a month, and 20 Norco. I quit drinking altogether since almost dying, but the strain on the relationship between my mom and I is too much. I have no desire to seek the pills out in other ways, and she doesn't have the heart to refuse me. But I NEED to quit. The thought of going through a day with the crippling social anxiety, awkwardness, feeling restricted, scared, stressed, worried... I just don't know how to cope.

    I guess I needed to have this read by people who might understand. I'm afraid to get help. Very afraid. I want no one to know I am still going through this. Everyone thinks I quit long ago. My medical bills from the hospitals and ambulances is another story altogether, but I am afraid to seek professional help. But, clearly, I need it.

    Thanks for reading.
    You are not alone with the social anxiety, awkwardness, feeling like you should be a different way. Lack of confidence etc. I have those same feelings and suboxone numbed all this for me. So I stayed on it for the past 5-6 years and am now in the process of tapering off it.

    I don't know why I feel that way, nothing traumatic has happened in my life, I would like to think I'm attractive and have always had very attractive girlfriends. Was popular all through school and was friends with all the popular kids and still am. I am smart and very good at my job etc...however for some reason I do have social anxiety and feel like I should be different. Be happier, be able to talk to people better, be confident, but it just isn't there.

    So I have basically numbed myself for the past 5-6 years and now am going to have to come back to reality. I don't know how I'm going to overcome these thoughts/feelings once totally sober, but I'm going to try like hell to do so.

    Im an introvert. It's like I can think about things and articulate them in my head, but am not really good with words and talking to people about things. I always try to play everything off like it's not serious or in a joking matter.

    Actually now that I think about it the was one traumatic experience I went through. My friends and I each drank a bottle of robotussin. The next night I went and smoked weed with some friends and I went into a full blown panic attack /bad trip feeling. It was crazy. Before that I loved smoking and would do it nearly everyday. That experience which took place right before entering my first year of college really messed me up for years. I would have flashbacks and all my emotions were numb. I really don't know how I made it through college. I went to a physciatrist like 3 times and she said I had ptsd from that experience. She did some therapy and I never went back. Perhaps I should have kept going. Looking back in not sure why I stopped after just 3 sessions..

    Anyway that combined with the social anxiety (which was worse now due to that event) and lack of emotions I'd what made me start taking suboxone. It would give me a high and give me confidence. Allow me to talk to people a lot more and keep me from thinking I was weird.

    Anyway this is getting long. I just want you to know you are not alone with these thoughts and feelings. A lot of the time I think people like us think we are the only ones who feel like this because we see our friends or family being social butterfly, seeming happier and way more confident than us etc. However, there are a lot of people like us out there, so just know that. We are unique in our own way and we need to turn it into a positive thing.

    While my social anxiety is not crippling, it's definitely there. I feel like my stomach is always clinched, when in a group and someone singles me out or asks a question, often my face will turn red, I don't talk too much, so it does make it hard to feel normal.

    The subs got rid of a lot of this for me, but soon again I will be free of them and facing the world sober once again.

    Good luck and know you are not alone!!

  5. #5
    Wavision is offline Member
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    Chaos

    Are you still around??please let us know what's going on...

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