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2nd short term sub detox. Last chance?
  1. #31
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Hey Mel,
    Thanks for the input. I will check it out. All I know is I couldn't get through c.f. I'd make it 4/5 days then just couldn't take it. Sub is no joke and I have a healthy fear of it. Funny where was that fear when I thought I could play chicken with opiates again!? Live learn. Day 3 now. Sunday nite was horrible. The
    legs! Didn't sleep at all dragged myself to and through work on Monday . Again Monday night my legs felt creepy even before bed which never had happend. I lay down anyway exhausted yet hopeful started to read and the next thing I know the alarm is going off. Sleep sweet sleep! Well except getting up to pee at 3 am. If you're a guy in your 50s you know what I mean. I'm definitely feeling WAY better. The cravings are mild and off and on. I've made it so it won't be easy to get a quick fix. But the >>>> is everywhere. That's all I got for now . Be well. Keep fighting .All
    Brandon glad your Easter when well! Awesome to hear it. Mine was very nice too all things considered granted I wasn't feeling so great but I can't look at my kids and beautifully Grandbabies and keep putting the shot in my body. Next up. Nicotine. Can't wait. ( not) gonna concentrate on one battle at a time for now. I do think subs had some effect on my desire to smoke. They taste like carp and I've cut down unknowingly. Go figure.

    J
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  2. #32
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by jedie50 View Post
    Hey Mel,
    Thanks for the input. I will check it out. All I know is I couldn't get through c.f. I'd make it 4/5 days then just couldn't take it. Sub is no joke and I have a healthy fear of it. Funny where was that fear when I thought I could play chicken with opiates again!? Live learn. Day 3 now. Sunday nite was horrible. The
    legs! Didn't sleep at all dragged myself to and through work on Monday . Again Monday night my legs felt creepy even before bed which never had happend. I lay down anyway exhausted yet hopeful started to read and the next thing I know the alarm is going off. Sleep sweet sleep! Well except getting up to pee at 3 am. If you're a guy in your 50s you know what I mean. I'm definitely feeling WAY better. The cravings are mild and off and on. I've made it so it won't be easy to get a quick fix. But the >>>> is everywhere. That's all I got for now . Be well. Keep fighting .All
    Brandon glad your Easter when well! Awesome to hear it. Mine was very nice too all things considered granted I wasn't feeling so great but I can't look at my kids and beautifully Grandbabies and keep putting the shot in my body. Next up. Nicotine. Can't wait. ( not) gonna concentrate on one battle at a time for now. I do think subs had some effect on my desire to smoke. They taste like carp and I've cut down unknowingly. Go figure.

    J
    RLS. It's no joke for sure. There's a couple of products made by Hylands. One that worked for me was Hylands restful legs. I'd take a long hot shower then take the restful legs with a strong cup of sleepy time tea right before bed. Sometimes i was able to get some good sleep, others it relaxed me for a bit. But it's better than just laying there tossi gand turning all night. Give it a shot. What do u have to lose?

    Keep going it gets better i promise.

    Have a great night!
    Beef
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  3. #33
    Bwaldridge03 is offline Member
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    Jedie you got this in the bag! Whenever those cravings hit just think about your kids and grandkids. You’re doing this not only for yourself but for them too! Cutting out all your “quick fixes” will help a lot you gotta get those people out of your life delete all contacts!! That way even if you wanted it you couldn’t get it. That’s what I did as soon as I started suboxone 4 years ago. Now even if I wanted something I wouldn’t have a clue where to get it. I’m rooting for you!

  4. #34
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    So I thought that meetings would be like this, but honestly, the rooms are full of great people. I found I can relate to NA members better, but AA members usually offer a lot of wisdom too. In the past 4 years, I haven't met one person that made me crave anything. Try different meetings if youre experiencing that. I've gotten so much from meetings, and honestly I don't think I would be where I'm at without that supports. The meetings make you look at life from a different perspective. If you can't make it to one, youtube aa meeting step 1, step 2, etc. There are some really awesome speakers. I'm not an alcoholic but the principals are the same

  5. #35
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Beef thanks! Yea I did go buy some of that for the legs. Got home and the box was empty wtf?
    Brandon thanks again for the encouragement it means alot! It's a dark scary place sometimes.
    Wife. Yep I will be going back to meetings soon. I need to be near my people. They know.
    Had a good day. A little drained but accomplished a lot of positives even though the energy level was a little low. My appetite has come back and I'm eating much better. Very mild symptoms if any. I know there are still some rough patches ahead but I'll deal with those when they come. Reason to very humbly greatful for today! Amen.

    J

  6. #36
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Oh and lots of fluids and physical activity of work.. I appreciate all the feedback and encouragement. It helps . My mind stands to wander to dark places. Pretty normal for this part of the process I try not to follow it long.
    Peace. Be well.
    J

  7. #37
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Day 5 clean. Today work was long and hard. Miles of walking open field. Carrying buckets of mortar. Lots of up and down lifting swatting. Not fun on top of the strenuous day yesterday and spotty sleep. Body is screaming at me. It just hurts. Out of shape a little. Happens every spring with the type of work I do. Aleve hot shower and bed. The morning was tough. The brain and body wanted the quick pick me up. They will learn to function on natural endorphins soon enough. I remember being in overall more discomfort on pain meds than not, when the body functions normally. One of my triggers was actually feeling good. Always have to have more. Peace
    Be well
    J
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  8. #38
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Ok yesterday was a step back. Felt sick and tired all day. Was off work dragged myself through it and made it. Slept well and feel much better this am. Try to get out and moving today. Spring is here and the yarns needs attention. Maybe fish a little later and see the Grandbabbies.

  9. #39
    Bwaldridge03 is offline Member
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    Man it’s crazy how much staying busy makes you feel so much better isn’t it? Like sitting around the house is horrible. That’s why I think working 7 days a week helped me get through withdrawal so much quicker. I think staying active and eating right are key during withdrawal. Fishing sounds awesome though I use to love to fish. Spring is here this week but let’s see what next week brings. Gotta love the Midwest lol

  10. #40
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Found my brain wandering today. Kinda out of the blue I find myself thinking of ways to use without consequence . It doesn't work like that for me. I kind of snickers to myself and started going through all the positives of a clean life. They are many. Nothing good can come from an addiction. I've learned that lesson far too !any times.
    Brandon! He'll yes. Exercise being active is the only way through for me. I have to force my way sometimes but I'm always glad I did! Did I see snow and rain in the forecast?! WTH ? Typical lol Got a lot done around the house and yard. I feel good about it. Good day so far. Back and knees remind me of my age. I'm dreaming of a ski trip next winter. I spoke with a friend who knows my sitch and shares that passion for skiing. I could pay for a nice trip with the $ I save being clean in one friggin month. I must have been insane. The ability I have to push reason away from my thinking is one of the ugly little demons that come with the territory.
    Be well all.

    J

  11. #41
    Melinda-1 is offline New Member
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    Girl you are on the right track! smoking sucks the life out of you!!! I still battle with it from time to time! I sure you have heard the sleep is the thing to come back! but it will stay strong my friend! life is so much better on the other side! The reason I got on here is im going thru this with my Son! I have forgotten a lot about this time in my life! so might need your help also! TY Melinda

  12. #42
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Uhh Malinda? I'm a boy. An old one at that. Lol. I smoke cigarettes . I plan to put that demon down soon too. I don't want to end life flopping like a fish because I can breathe.
    This morning is a blessing. Been up and about for a few hours now. WOW. I feel almost normal.
    14 days no oxy. 7 days no sub. It hasn't been fun but it has not been torcher either. The rough patches I just put my head down and got physically active. The type of work I do helps alot. I believe there is no substitute for it. The body must move. Demand it. I think that's where all my anxiety goes,it's burned off through the exercise. I know it's the last thing we want to do too but it works.
    Didn't get to go fishing but I did spend several hours with the Grandbugs and was actually comfortable in my own skin! You guys KNOW how friggin awesome that is!
    I don't want to get to excited that can lead to trouble. I'm reminded of the song I heard at our Easter gathering. Steady as she goes. I like it and it sticks in my head. I'll roll with that for now.
    Be well all.
    Peace

    J
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  13. #43
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Day 8?
    Have to go back and count but I really don't want to look back right now.
    I have to say I had a great day. Don't get me wrong I was tired and sore and I just wanted to go home and take a nap by noon. I made it through work and got off at 4 home by 430. I usually work half days.
    5 or 6 am to 5 or 6 pm That's 12 hours not four ☺! Four or five days a week I like it. I'm restless but not anxious and my mood bounces around a bit. My thoughts can get really morbid at times and I have to watch myself. I also get what I think is a rebound effect where I feel almost high even tho I'm not using. I haven't been high in months. Was using to keep from getting sick for a long time. Maybe that has helped some? IDK and I don't care I'll gladly take where I'm at right this moment. RUn might wash out the work week. In which case I'll need to keep very busy. Perhaps lay the shame and ego aside? a return to my noon home group meeting of AA. They haven't seen me in a while. Maybe INS. I'm conflicted on one hand I see the wisdom there in the other hypocracy. That shouldn't scare me off tho. I'm a hypocrite of the highest order . I listened to music at work today. I haven't done that In a long time. I notice little things. I have less road rage and more patients sp? Another co worker offered me dope today I told him no I'm done. These guys dont want me to stop it isn't in their financial intrest. Duck them. Alcohol is everywhere. I'm an Alcoholic too but that obsession is gone. I haven't had any strong cravings. Hope they don't come but I'm not dumb enough to believe they wont. I actually looked forward to posting and reading others post on here today. Go na get some dinner bbl.
    Be well

    J

  14. #44
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Ok I put some stuff down on Geez thread but it was deleted. I swear too much.
    I talked about the circumstances of how I made the leap.

    I just couldn't stop. WD terrified me. I prayed a lot and feared alot. I feared God would do something and then I'd be......!

    I'm gonna back up to last fall. In a nutshell I stuck a shovel into a 430 amp electric home service line. While replacing water service. I think I was dead from the time I touched it till the time my hard hat hit the ground. Felt like being punched by the Hulk all at once everywhere in the body at the same time. And inside my skull. I don't recommend it. Anyway the sensation was of absolute nothingness not even black or time. An absence of being. Of ever being.

    But it made me think of where I was at and what I'd been doing with my life.

    I didn't stop using but I did start thinking.

    Fast forward to a leap of faith. I had been praying. ALot. The stars aligned and I saw a glimpse. I was strung out in WD which I had avoided for almost 2 years I had a few subs for " emergencies" they scare me I don't know why. Well " the call" from my dealer finally came. Now I had a choice. Hang on. Take the sub and start the process or lie yet again to my wife about why I had to
    leave the house at 1130 at nite on a Sunday? And repeat the endless cycle.

    Now here I am. Barely through AWS. I don't ever want to go back to that personal hell I lived and created for myself. I like where I'm at. Today.I

    Peace all.

    J

  15. #45
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Off work today. Weather related. Got to get busy. Going to Grandbugs then to Lowe's to get supplies for drywall and home repair I've put off for a long time. Didn't have the $ for it. Wonder where that went?

  16. #46
    geez_again is offline Senior Member
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    Good luck J. I too make up all kinds of excuses to leave to house at all odd times. Midnight, 6:30 am.... u name it. I say I'm going to the store but am usually gone for hours. So shameful. I get it. U got this tho! No more lying. U did it. Yes, it's daily, sometimes hour by hour but u got it!!! Ty for sharing. Helps me tremendously. I'm practically out of money n stress doesn't cover it. Doesn't begin to explain how it really feels... I hv quite a few days off the second n third week of May but my finances won't allow me to make it that long. In a pickle. Need a plan. My mind is just all over the place. Keep telling myself to be in the moment. Be where my feet are. Otherwise panic sets in n then it's NO good. Paralyzed by fear sets in. Today's a new day. This moment is a new moment to take the opportunity to make wise, sane choices. Hour by hour, min by min....I can do it. Praying constantly n repeating positive affirmations to rid anxiety n every other negative thoughts that keep arising. I can do this. I deserve to get well. I gotta believe it. I used to b so strong. Had 9 years sober...no drugs no alcohol n worked a strong program. I'd like to return to aa but terrified to make the move. I remember going to mtgs n gasping wen I heard people with long term sobriety return to using..... now it's me. I can make this a great success story. I know I can. I know once I'm clean I can do anything. That's y I'm trying n working on the mental stuff. Changing ur thoughts, change ur actions. Thought is the cousin of action. So again, to remind myself....I can do this! We can do this. Sorry I lil scattered n on repeat lol. Just trying to convince myself n put myself n thoughts out there.... plz universe, HP let me stay with u. Wow I'm starting to sound like a looney. Ok really gotta get ready for work been procrastinating for hours. Hv a great day J. Being productive is great! Hv fun n enjoy the grand bugs. Lucky to hv them. N they love u unconditionally no doubt. They need ya too! As well as u need them.
    Sorry guys, I may b a lunatic for a bit. Just trying.... can't hide from my thoughts anymore, just makes it all worse.... keep posting keep up the great work. Ty ty ty. Be well J. U got this n very proud of ya.

  17. #47
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    I know how you feel Geez! Takes one to know one. I'm sorry you're suffering. We all do. Ramble all you need. You're not looney!
    You guys have become in a very short time my primary support. I'm greatful for each of you.

  18. #48
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Yesterday sucked. I felt run down restless and icky. Irritable and short tempered. Mild compared.to AW but not fun. Today is already way better. Little bump in my step. This seems to be the way it goes for me. Pink cloud days followed by gray. I'll take it! Bob
    Peace


    J

  19. #49
    geez_again is offline Senior Member
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    Happy today is better for you. Ur doing great. Very inspiring....ty.

  20. #50
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Ok I'm down to posting from my phone. Puter dead tablet acting up. So prolly be short.
    I do better when working. Once I get moving it's so much better
    Felt wierd today. Like a piece was missing. It isn't that it's missing it had been added. artificial. Feel decent physically mentally not too bad. Prone to sadness near tears. Very sentimental. Always was kind of a closet sap. Feels like grief too and some of it is. Wasted time energy $ add to the list. Haven't counted days I'm content to get through them one at a time. Besides I'm doing more than just getting through I'm getting better. I feel it and I like it
    Not easy but then life rarely is. Greatfull for today.

    Peace (of mind)

    J

  21. #51
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Repeat post nevermimd
    Last edited by Anonymous; 05-02-2019 at 07:55 PM. Reason: Not needed

  22. #52
    geez_again is offline Senior Member
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    Proud of u. Can't talk now but I'll b bak. So proud of u. Hang in there my friend. Ur doing great.

  23. #53
    Bwaldridge03 is offline Member
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    Jedie you’re doing awesome! The bad days are only temporary. Working does help ALOT! I know when I work my days are so much better than when I just sit around the house all day. I worked through my whole sub withdrawal it was so hard but I honestly believe it helped me. It’s hard not to count the days at least for me. I’m over a month now and I still don’t feel like I’m right. That’s the bad thing about being on suboxone the withdrawal and paws is ridiculously long! I’m ready to feel like I did 15 years ago. I’m rooting for you!

    Geez I feel your pain. Sometimes you just gotta get everything off your chest with people who know what you’re going through. This forum helped me tremendously when I was coming off and it still is. So many success stories it gives us hope and something to look forward to. Just don’t give up

  24. #54
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    May the 4th be with you!

    Yes I'm a nerd And was a diemaker. It's fun. Yesterday sucked. Slept most of the day. Just tired and run down easy to get through compared to AW. I did start to think about the quick fix but we all know where that leads. It wasn't a craving so much as a desire to not feel like >>>>. Better today.

    I started this journey on Tax day. That's how I've looked at it. There is a price to pay and the bill was due. A small price when you think about it. Maybe a ball game Tonite weather permitting or a StarWars concert don't know yet. Nice to be engaged with life even if I'm not 100 percent yet.
    Peace to you all. We all need a little.

    J

  25. #55
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    Happy Monday Jedie,

    How did your weekend turn out? We had nice weather here in Missouri. Some cold days this spring but overall we’ve had a mild and enjoyable April and May so far! Keep on kicking those cravings/desires to the curb when they come calling.. we all know this is when the battle starts turning from physical to mental. Im pulling for you!

    Good luck,
    Phantom

  26. #56
    geez_again is offline Senior Member
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    It is nice to be engaged with life J. I'm really so happy for you. Yes those thoughts will come n go....glad u didn't do anything. Just a thought...they come n go over time. Glad it wasn't a craving. Although I hv to say, it must be really difficult when it's around you at work! That's crazy. I don't know if I'd hv the willpower? However I do know that when ur done, ur done. So I get that! I miss that actually. I hope u continue on ur path bc ur really doing well. Hope ur Monday is going well n you're enjoying ur day. Hang in there my friend, we're all rooting for you.

  27. #57
    Bwaldridge03 is offline Member
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    A die maker? For who exactly and what kind of dies? I work at a powder metal facility and we compact it into parts. I’m a lead but I also set the die sets up. You’re doing awesome man you and I quit near the same time. I’m at Day 35 I think still having good and bad days but even the bad ones are better than being on suboxone. Keep on truckin...

  28. #58
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Hey! Thanks you guys!
    The weekend was rough at times. Tired and fatigued no energy.... You know the drill. At least a few times I had to fight for it. One pill makes it all better. Not.

    Took some naps watched most of the SW movies. Got to see the Grandbugs. Man are they good for me. Work today no comparison felt pretty good all day. I got to keep moving. It's the motivation part. Easier at work.
    IDK geez dude left his >>>> where I could get to it if I wanted again at work. Will power? No. I did my best to ignore it. And refused to fixate. I can't have it around me all the time nor would I want to but like booze it's there for the taking.

    I want to be clean. I play the tapes back. I know the outcomes. I have never regretted being clean and sober. I have always regretted using. Not Everytime but over time always. I don't want to give in. I refuse. Bbiab

  29. #59
    jedie50 is offline Banned
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    Ok it seems my every other post never makes it here. WTH? Good stuff too I swear...
    B Think corrugated boxes. I was a cutting rule diemaker. Kinda like pattern making of the world's most dangerous puzzle. Pizza boxes is a big one multiple out high speed. Ive built thousands of rotary cutting dies. you tube it.
    I'm getting really frustrated with this tablet and the missing posts. Spelling autocorrect and remembering if I wrote something or not or if it was deleted.....Oh well
    Geez I haven't been to any meetings yet. I waiting till I can sit still for an hour. Very soon though. P!an on Some NA and AA. It's all the same to me H pills booze you name it if it makes you feel good I want more. At any price it seems.
    No my family doesn't know about this last relapse. God I hate that word. I hate that it is me. Again. At this point it would do them more harm than good and I see no benefit of doing so. I have a few close sober friends who know my sitch. And I have you guys in my corner!

    Thanks again. All of you.

    Peace.

    J

  30. #60
    geez_again is offline Senior Member
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    Hi J
    it happens with the forum sometimes....posts disappear. Yes, good ones too. I used to get extremely frustrated about it. But usually, it's just me venting... so I still kind of got off my chest lol. But if it's a good post to encourage someone or what not then I'll repost it. Some people type one up then cut n paste. I don't hv the patience for that plus I'm just on my phone anyway. That's why I always hv typos n stuff. N my mind moves quickly so my fingers try to keep up n my posts are usually scattered bc that's just the way my mind is lately!
    I understand how u feel about ur family. I feel the same way. Sometimes I want to tell my mom especially so bad but I don't think I can bear to see the hurt it will cause her. I'm just really hurting n we hv been very close my whole life that I want to confide in her but I feel, like you, it may cause more harm than good? Idk. I want to tell her bc I am hurting BUT I don't want her to hurt.... make sense?
    Anyway all I'm saying is that I can understand the family situation. I bet most of us fellow addicts can.
    Yup I hate the word relapse too.
    U sound a lil down. Don't beat urself up. You're doing such a great job. I can't wait to be where you are. I know it's hard, it truly is very difficult at times but pretty soon J, ur good moments will be more frequent and ur good moments far outweigh the yuck, down n out moments.
    I'll revisit the AA part on another post. It's getting really late n I need to hit the sack. I'll update my thread tomorrow too, getting tired. Just wanted to stop in n say hi.
    Sleep well n hv a great morning. Stay strong ur doing great

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