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6:30 am on my fifth day clean...
  1. #1
    spincycle81 is offline New Member
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    Default 6:30 am on my fifth day clean...

    ...off of poppy seed tea. Yea, I can hear some of you laughing, the rest of you know what a beast that stuff can be if the seed is strong enough and the amount is large enough. I started my addiction on legal codeine overseas about 5 years ago, and moved on to PST when I came back to the states in 2013. I went through the ritual every day, multiple times a day. fill, pour, mix, mix, mix, drain, chug, relief. I don't even remember the last time I actually got high off any opiates (and I have had some pills over the years, in amounts that SHOULD have made me at least tired, but didn't) so my tolerance was/is high.

    I tried to quit more times than I can count. At first I thought about it, then it was....well no...I'm a better person on opiates, i dont want to quit. Then it turned into I'm spending so much money on this, searching for sources, every day, every day. Then it was hell to hold down an 8 hour job, yawning, sneezing and hopping my feet at the chair waiting for 5:00 to come then rush to the nearest gas station to get a 2 liter and make some precious potion.

    This continued on and on, I tried to quit many times but on day 2 at night for me, somehow a few more days starts to feel like a lifetime and I tell myself "no...I cant...I just can't feel this way" and I hop back on the wagon (which I had never let go of anyway.

    So here I was, TOTALLY wanting to quit, totally ready to do anything to quit, except ask for help. my parents found out on their own. I'm 26, working full time for a good wage, but I'm saving for a house so I'm with them for now. They found it once, I made up some angry excuse. They found out again, I blamed a friend's wife. This time they found out while I was in the hospital this week. Admitted monday 3/16 for horrible lower back pain (and confusion from the flubromazolam I stupidly bought off the internet (DON'T DO THIS KIDS DONT DO IT DONT DONT DONT)). The docs noticed my confusion right away, and I was wheeled off to the ward. Did all the head tests, mri, etc. All they found was the bulging discs in my back causing my pain.

    So I was in the hospital, day 1 no opiates, stuck to a bed with an alarm that would go off if I even thought about getting out of it. The first night was hell, and I'm sure they thought I was some kind of satan's child because of the wayI behaved. I managed to sleep in between tests a little the next day, and yada yada yada this continues. I get out of the hospital on day 3 with no opiates, fully ready to RUN to my supply of seeds and make my potion.


    But my parents threw it all away (God bless them). I yelled, I screamed, I roared, but after a little bit I realized I was on my third day without opiates and I didn't even feel THAT bad. I had some serious cravings that night, but managed to get through another sleepless night somehow. Those are they WORST arent they? I could handle any part of opiate withdrawal if it weren't for the rls and the insomnia.

    Day 4 was still ok. Feeling sicky sicky, cravings in the morning, but by afternoon I felt like a wave of energy hit me. I have a huuuuge supply of seeds just waiting for me to get them, but I have no desire to anymore, and have made the call to have them sent back to the supplier. On night 4 I slept some, not well, but some. Up at 6 am, the energy to right this, and a whole new outlook on life.

    I THINK I remember what it feels like to be sober. I THINK I remember who I used to be. I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON AGAIN. And I am going to do it. Finally.

    Can anyone relate, want to ask a question, or give me advice? I would be very receptive.

    God bless you all. If I could do it, with my tiny tiny willpower, YOU ALL can.
    Sue M likes this.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome Spincy,

    Where do you hale from? When I first joined the Forum in 2010, I had a friend here from Canada and her vice was poppy tea as well. I'd never heard of it but she educated me some.

    You have done well! Good for you on Day 6. Your physical symptoms should be subsiding soon if they haven't already. Your energy and balancing out as well as sleep patterns take a bit longer and it will be hit or miss. Like a roller coaster but will level out. It's gradual. So gradual that you may not feel progress but it's there. Don't frustrate yourself with the lack of sleep. Just get what you can when you can, trying to save it for at night. Melatonin or Sleepy Time Tea helps some with sleep and it's over the counter.

    Keep reading and posting here. You've done the right thing! Keep us posted. Most of us have been exactly where you are.

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #3
    spincycle81 is offline New Member
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    Just an update....day 16 and feeling like "myself." If anyone knows what that really means, it would be a former junkie

    No cravings to use, which I find very strange. I truly wonder if this will last. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that for the last year and a half I've been trying to quit so hard, but withdrawal scared the daylights out of me so much that I would always fail. The fear was worse than the real thing. Can anybody relate to that?

    OO and I'm from Florida. Tampa, specifically.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-31-2015 at 10:42 PM.
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  4. #4
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    Oh, heck yes, I can relate to the fear of w/d and I experienced those too many times before my head was straightened out enough and I was sick of being sick, as they say. The worse thing is the fear of w/d, but people reading out there, the reality is really less scary than the anticipation. You have to be ready to be DONE. One thing I will say: never get complacent, never: it always starts with just one and you end up right back where you started. Definitely think about NA or some type of support group. Day 16 is relatively newly clean. Don't let the BEAST creep back up on you. Congratulations!!!! You have to want this more than you've ever wanted anything in your life. This is the MOST important thing you will ever do.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  5. #5
    1DaysPay is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by spincycle81 View Post
    Just an update....day 16 and feeling like "myself." If anyone knows what that really means, it would be a former junkie

    No cravings to use, which I find very strange. I truly wonder if this will last. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that for the last year and a half I've been trying to quit so hard, but withdrawal scared the daylights out of me so much that I would always fail. The fear was worse than the real thing. Can anybody relate to that?

    OO and I'm from Florida. Tampa, specifically.
    Without the withdrawals and anticipation of it, kicking the opiate habit would be a breeze. Unfortunately that's not the reality. The way I see it, for all the good times you felt as a result of using there is a bit more to "pay" for, crammed into a short duration of physical discomfort (or living hell, rather) depending on your frequency and dose of your DOC. (WD)

    I personally cannot relate to using seeds, but it sounds like the ritual of it can play a major roll in the addiction, in itself. For me, my ritual was crushing up a pain pill and snorting it. Now, every time I pick up a straw, a pen, a dollar dollar bill or use a credit card, I get a bit of anxiety and my mind starts to play games with me. "How good would it feel to wrap a pill in that dollar bill, crush it up, make a line and just rip it down..." I hear it too often

    Every time I fight off those voices in my head (so to speak), I gain more strength, self pride, and confidence in myself. It makes the next time, and the next time so much easier to handle. Boy, does it feel awesome to say NO! Again and again.

    You are on day 17 today and should feel really good about yourself for making it that far without using again. It's different for everyone when and if those urges will return and your mind will try and convince you to just do it once more, but don't listen. DON'T! You will soon enough be at day 1 again.

    You seem to truly want to be done with the habit/addiction - you have to have that mindset going into the getting clean process. Make sure you have a plan to continue your streak.

    What will you do if you find yourself craving it? - it sounds like making a cup of tea or coffee could trigger this for you..

    What if you find yourself around the seeds again, or someone scores some and offers them to you?

    Like iloerose said, don't gat complacent or comfortable. It could sneak up on you at any time so you have to be ready, and really want to fight it off!

    We are here if you find yourself in a predicament and need some guidance or help to give you some added strength to push through those urges.

    All the best living sober

    1dayspay
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-01-2015 at 08:23 AM.

  6. #6
    iloerose is offline Platinum Member
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    1dayspay & spincycle: For most people on this site NA, AA, or some form of recovery program is essential to maintaining sobriety. I haven't seen many successful people who have not attended meetings. I have seen people successfully detox and go for months and relapse, only to come back and try NA, AA, because they learn that doing this "our way" just doesn't work. What are you going to do differently? The board is great, but it can't beat the face to face help you'll get through NA. One long time member, who didn't do NA, said he wished he had done so and perhaps he wouldn't have taken so long to get and stay clean. A good thread to read is "ASKRUTH" in the "need to talk" section or look up ARTIST_658's posts. She dedicated quite a bit of time to crafting posts, sharing both personal and professional experience.
    Of course we are here to talk, and 1day, if you already do NA or whatever, I didn't mean to assume anything concerning you or your sobriety.

    Peace,

    Iloerose

  7. #7
    spincycle81 is offline New Member
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    Thank you everyone for the kind words and for the advice. I'm about 5 months clean now and decided I'd check up on this thread and check in with my progress. I have met many people in these last 5 months who have taught me a whole lot, and it's a rare day nowadays when I even think about opiates. Even then it's just a passing thought that doesn't last more than a few seconds. Staying clean is important to me, and I'm not going to let my guard down now.

    Thanks again everyone
    Catrina likes this.

  8. #8
    Poppy Girl 37 is offline Member
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    I finally read your thread and I'm glad I did. I have the same anticipation about going thru wds to get on subs. Glad to hear the fear was worse than the reality! Do you remember how long it took you to go into moderate/severe wds? I'm planning to be smart and use the COWS, but it wouldn't hurt to have an idea of what to expect.
    Catrina likes this.

  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Poppy Girl,

    I'm glad you found this thread and it helped you. I hope the writer comes back soon to help you. I wish I could give you advice but I have no experience with PST. I'm glad for me, sad for you.

    Stay strong.

    Peace,

    Cat

  10. #10
    spincycle81 is offline New Member
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    Hey Poppy Girl - I'd say by the middle of day 3 I was in the worst of it. I admit I expected a more protracted withdrawal than I experienced but that's the way my body reacted.

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