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Addicted to pain pills
  1. #31
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Sorry sent too soon:
    No problem. They made me feel like a super mom. Under the they start to wear off and I get irritable or even worse, run out and then I'm completely worthless while going through detox.

  2. #32
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    For some reason when Robin Williams died it affected me more than I could imagine. I know he used to have a drug problem in the past but was clean. However, his depression followed him around his whole life like a black cloud until he couldn't take it any more. I am terrified of living my life that way. I know I self medicate with pain pills to hide behind my sensitivity and the pain i feel from depression and anxiety. Robin williams was married to a woman he loved, and had kids that meant everything to him. He was such a great man who strived to bring happiness to others and yet he still couldn't shake this evil thing that followed him. This is what I am most afraid of.

  3. #33
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    Anj, we were taking about the same amount. I'm on day 5 c/t. Anxiety will get you if you let it. You need to find something to focus on when anxiety sets in. I know that it sounds ridiculous, but it works! Keep thinking to yourself "YOU'RE BIGGER THAN THESE FRICKIN PILLS".
    I know I sound crazy, but I almost felt as if I challenged them and they lost!! I HATED what they'd done to me and what they've taken from me!
    It gets better pretty fast...you gave birth, you're a mother....this pain??? It's going to be NOTHING for you to beat!! I KNOW you can do this...if I can...you can!!
    silverlining1 likes this.

  4. #34
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Anj,

    I feel the exact same way! I just posted on bad timings thread as to how the pills put me in a better mood and how great I felt when I was with the kids. You couldn't be more right about the feeling you get when the feeling wears off. I also become irritable and I snap at everything the kids do. So what was my solution? Take another pill!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!
    The tapering is going ok I guess. I took one pill at 8am and I don't want to take the other until bedtime. Have 3 left so I may break them in half. One minute at a time.

  5. #35
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Bad timing how many days till you felt mostly normal again? I'm so proud of you for making that choice. I'm afraid that I will pick up the script at the end of the week. I wish I had made the decision to stop on my own and not because I ran out. Even though I have been wanting and searching for the strength and courage to stop. I don't want to go through this ever again but I know how the temptation goes. I know how easy it would be to go pick up those pills. I wish I had the strength and courage to say ok I'm done with a bottle of pills there.
    Lookin I am wondering if you are experiencing the withdrawal symptoms with your weaning method. I wish I had tried weaning first. What do you feel like? What have you decided about your appointment tomorrow?

  6. #36
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    I can't tell you how much it means to me to have support through this

  7. #37
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    Anj, you're going to be amazed with how much easier this is than we've built it up in our heads. Honestly. Just gather the items you'll need for symptoms for a few days, start vitamins now, fluids constantly, immodium, Advil, potassium etc. .. The worst of it is RLS and insomnia. After 3 days my rls diminished and baths n Ben gay helped.
    Do NOT pickup the script. It's great that you know your weakness .... listen to you mind and body. You'll be fine. I PROMISE

  8. #38
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Hey Anj,
    You hanging in there??? My lil one and I drove down to my parents earlier and I forced myself to play some teeball outside with him. Before I knew it, 30 minutes had passed. My stomach began feeling a little queezy so I popped an Imodium and moved on. My sneezing, headache and runny nose kicked in so I ended up taking half a pill I have only half a pill for the rest of the day if I want to reach my goal. Hope you are doing well.
    melindau likes this.

  9. #39
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    That's great. You've got a great perspective on this! Pickup some Dayquil and Nyquil for those cold symptoms. Helped me tremendously!

  10. #40
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Sounds like you are doing really well. I started to consider going to the doctor to see if I can get some xanex or something for my anxiety. I am feeling ok physically right now, it's the anxiety that's getting to me. I'm dreading trying to sleep tonight. I couldn't get in to the doctor until tomorrow but I'm contemplating if I should go. I started thinking to myself "we can pick up the script on Friday. I'm going to feel good on Friday..." I know I cannot allow myself to feel that way but I feel so weak to my addiction. I feel like everyone else is stronger than I am. I feel like life won't be what I was hoping it would be once I'm clean and I will find myself drawn back into using. Ugh the mind games. So proud of how you are doing Lookin. Are you going to be strong enough to not go to your appointment tomorrow?

  11. #41
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Thank you so much for keeping in touch BT! I will take your advise on the DayQuil. How have you been feeling?

  12. #42
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Anj, still unsure if I will or will not go tomorrow. I'm hoping I won't. I really fear the same also! I fear my life really isn't what I think it is once I'm off. I watched a YouTube video of a women that left her husband once she came off the pills. She said once she was clean, it made her realize she really wasn't in love and she was using just to paint this imaginary life in her head. Scary, but I think we will both be in a better place. Take care!

  13. #43
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Anj, I'm not an Eminem fan but you must hear "Not Afraid". I listened to this while going for my runs during the taper. It still gives me chills (especially the second half).

  14. #44
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    I'm not an Eminem or any rap fan......but, I listened and I strangely related, and liked it.

  15. #45
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    It's reassuring to know that others feel the same way and have the same fears.

    Silverlining thanks for sharing that song! I actually am an eminem fan (haha you would never guess if you knew me) but I haven't listen to him much for years. I have heard that song before but this is the perfect time in my life to hear it. If anyone is interested the song by Emimen called Headlights really speaks to me in the complicated relationship he has with his mom but for me it's my dad. Although my relationship with him is different than a lot of what is in the song, the feelings are very much similar. My relationship with my dad has been a huge factor in my addiction because I use the pills to numb the emotional pain.

  16. #46
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    I meant the song "not afraid", unless I got it wrong. It's about beating his addiction to vics.

  17. #47
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Yep that's the one I listened to. I was just mentioning another eminem song

    Ok well I can't believe it myself but I just completed a full UFC workout, cardio cross train. I'm so proud of myself for doing it. It's an intense workout but I know that making myself sweat and exercise is going to help me feel better.
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  18. #48
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Wow! Great job Anj! You have a warrior mentality! I hope last night went well for you. I was tossing and turning, nothing I couldn't handle. I'll be off to work in a few, so wish me luck

  19. #49
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Last night I managed a few hours of sleep between tossing and turning. Thankfully none of the Restless arm feeling that I had the night before. I think the hylands stuff really worked. Mostly kept waking up because my mouth was getting so dry, think that has to do with the congestion and also my cold. I am taking some cold medicine but it's not helping too much. This morning I woke up feeling pure fear of my addiction. I don't want to continue this way. I want to be free from this demon. I don't want to be a burden on my family. I want to watch my kids grow up. I'm terrified of how far I've let this go. I want to stop so badly and I pray I can do it before I screw my life up any more.
    Lookin good luck at work today. Keep us posted. Have you canceled your doc appointment? Are you out of pills now? I wish you the very best today!

  20. #50
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Anj, it really looks like you are getting better! For this reason, I really think you will be strong enough to say no when it comes to refilling! Seems like you are coming out of the darkness so DO NOT GO REFILL. You have done great thusfar and have passed the difficult physical part! I'm here at work with some neck pain and fatigue. I also feel anxious. Unsure how the 2 of those can even go together. I haven't cancelled my apt yet. I'm scared of withdrawing hard since my lifestyle doesn't allow that. Taking my daughter to a concert Friday. She has been waiting a year for this concert and I would hate to be moody and edgy on her special day. She is soooo excited about it and it brings tears to my eyes just talking about it

  21. #51
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    I know what you mean, the fear of withdrawal is a scary thing. That's one of my biggest motivations for not refilling right now. I don't want to have to start this process all over. The point I'm at right now is that I'm constantly running out of pills too early and always going through this. It's hell to have to repeat it again and again. Every. Single. Time. I tell myself that I will spread the pills out more and not take as many at a time. But I never have the self control. One time I gave my pills to my husband and told him to only give me a few here and there to help me taper. The first day of that and I was tearing through the house trying to find them. I ended up calling him and telling him I couldn't do it and asked him where they were. He told me and I took them. It's so embarrassing where these pills take us to. This morning has been hard. My 3 year old is being difficult and my baby is into everything. I find myself having a short fuse. I'm tired and feeling a little dizzy.

  22. #52
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Lookin I think you are doing awesome also. I hope you find the strength to not get a refill unless you have more control than i do. What time is your appt at? I know it's scary to think of withdrawal but I think you have done really well with your taper and hopefully it won't be too bad to detox. You seem like a very strong person and I believe in you!

  23. #53
    AnywhereButHere is offline Junior Member
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    Anj I'm a huge Eminem fan and even more so now with my addiction problem. Not Afraid is a great song for what we're going through. I wanted to list a few more that I think you'll relate greatly to. Deja Vu-He talks about how ever day for an addict is the same and it's like deja vu, the same thing over and over. Going through changes-Here he talks about how the loss of his best friend, Proof, made him spiral into addiction. I find this one especially eye-opening. "Marshall what happened at you? You can't stop with these pills and you're fallen off with your skills and your own fans are laughing at you." The last verse in this one really hits home. "Ima do it just for Proof, I think I should state a few facts cause I may get a chance again to say the truth. >>>> it just hit me that what if I would notta made it through? I think about the things I would never got to say to you. I'd never get to make it right, so here's what I came to do, Hailie this one is for you, Whitney and Alaina too." Please listen to Beautiful Pain by him. Such an empowering song!!! Talkin to myself is also a great one.

  24. #54
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Anywhere thanks for mentioning those songs, I've added them to my playlist. Music definitely lifts my spirits. Hope you are doing well.
    Lookin how is it going?? Did you end up going to the appt today? I hope you are holding up. Please let us know how you are doing.

  25. #55
    DrumStones is offline New Member
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    Hi Anj. I also could never make it through the anxiety part. I also have chronic pain anyways so with that flaring and the anxiety and cravings making it impossible, I finally went to a medical detox. 8 days. I am a single Mom and NO ONE knew of my addiction (100 +mgs of morphine a day for 4 years) I told the people, who had to know why I was disappearing for a week, (literally told them the night before) and placed my child with trusted friend and just did it. If you have a medical detox available to you, it may be a good option. They keep you on anti-anxiety meds and the proper vitamins. You will most likely have to go to meetings for the week you are there (all places are different) and of course, there is the option of going into a 28 day rehab following. I did not have that option being sole parent of minor. They put me on a very fast 5 day methadone step-down 30 mgs to 20 to 15 to 10 to 5. Which takes away all the pain. Now I am not saying it has been easy since I just came straight home. I still felt pretty bad for about 10 more days after coming home (but I've been told morphine is much worse as far as length of withdrawal so you may not experience that-I am not familiar with Norco) but then it broke. Just like that. I have been so happy to have my personality back and my laughter and energy (FINALLY-that took awhile to come back). In the end, though it feels like such a long road, you CAN make it and there really is a happy healthy ending. I wish you all the best!
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  26. #56
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Anj, hope you are doing well. Sorry I didn't post yesterday (had work and baseball games). I wasn't ready for the hard withdraw so I refilled unsure if that's caving. I had a full bottle yesterday and only took half a pill which took me to my goal of 25mgs. Hope to do this til Sunday and drop to 20 and so on. I read somewhere that a slow taper also helps avoid relapse. Unsure if My mind is just making excuses to refill, but this is my plan and I'm sticking to it so far. Anj, you have passed the hard part and should be getting through your withdraw so I say you stick to it! I just ran 1.5 miles and it felt great. I suggest you get another monster UFC workout in keep me posted. Off to work.

    Very inspiring post drumstone!

  27. #57
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by LookinAhead View Post
    I have tapered down to 55mg daily from about 120mg (Hydro 10/325). I have 3 pills left and don't want to go back for my refill!

    I have been hiding this for too long!!

    Lookinahead - You should really start your own thread. I went back to read your first post(s) and you seemed to really want this. But when you have access to more pills via a new script every month the battle gets that much more difficult to fight. The temptation is always there. You have to cut off all means of getting pills. You should cancel all future scripts, inform your doctor of the problem with narcotics and to not give you any more pills. You have to get serious if indeed you REALLY do want it.

  28. #58
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Drum stone how long have you been off the pills? That is awesome that you were able to take that leap! Great job, I've thought about a rehab facility and I just don't think I could handle leaving my little ones. I think that would make my anxiety go through the roof and it's already bad enough. I'm really happy and proud of you for being able to take that plunge and it's such an amazing accomplishment and the best decision for yourself.

    Lookin I actually did do another UFC workout last night. It felt great! I'm feeling mostly better today. Still couldn't sleep much last night. Stomach is still a little queazy and my energy is lower than normal still but i really am feeling better overall. My outlook is lifting up. I'm feeling stronger about NOT refilling on Friday. I really don't want to go back to the place I was at the past few days. It's mentally rough on me and I finally feel like I'm lifting a little above that dark place. Today is day 4! Hoping the day goes well.
    Catherine120813 likes this.

  29. #59
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Day 4......good job, Anj

    You really are over the worst part. Everyday now you will get stronger, especially with those work outs you do! Hoping you resist that refill
    Catherine120813 likes this.

  30. #60
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Thank you silver lining. I think I can, I think I can...

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