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Addicted to pain pills
  1. #1
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Default Addicted to pain pills

    Hi, I am new to this site. I am 28 years old and I'm a mom of two young children and I'm addicted to pain pills. I started using them after a car wreck when I was 17 years old. I used pain pills on and off recreationally for years but it was never that bad until recently. Within the past year I've had a doctor who prescribes me large quantities of 10-325 norco. I have realized that I have no control over my addiction. I use them when my kids are sleeping and I feel like it makes me have more energy and a better attitude. I know that it's not really the case. I run out of pills well before my refills and then I have to go through horrible withdrawals. I am on day one of withdrawal right now. It's the absolute worst feeling in the world. However I know I can get a refill toward the end of the week and I don't think I will be strong enough not to get it. Does that mean I'm a lost cause or that I'm not ready for recovery? I don't know but I want this hell to be over with. One big problem is that we don't have much help with the young kids so I don't really ever get a babysitter if I could ever get up the courage to go to a meeting. My husband is almost always working and his job is over an hour away. I don't know what I want or need from this but I'm so desperate. My addiction is out of control and I don't know that I'm ever going to be strong enough to stop it.

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Anj,

    I'm going to be completely honest with you. You have no idea how many times my script ran out early and I was sick and wanted to get clean...until the next script was ready. It's my opinion that this is often the worst time to get clean because it's usually for all the wrong reasons. My last day one was almost 5 yrs ago and one the big differences this time is that I planned for my cold turkey. I had pills in hand. I got excited, picked the day and jumped. Addicts are often control freaks...me included. I suppose choosing the time and manner I would get clean had to be my way to work. I don't know if you can relate. I hope so. I also hope that you are enough different than me to put this behind you. By the end of the week when you can get your script, your detox will be over. 5 days.

    I humbly suggest that if you are serious about beginning to put this behind you, you're going to have to find the courage to cancel scripts and to let your doctor know what you're doing. An active addict can find that supply almost irresistible during detox and for some time after. Your choice, sweetie. I hope you can and will do this. It's not fun but neither was childbirth and worse before epidurals---and I did the latter.

    Keep posting. The weekends are sometimes slow around here but if you keep posting, this thread will remain at the top and you will have some wonderful people to help you out soon. Also, take the time to read the posts of as many others as you can. They are inspiring and shows this can absolutely be done.

    After detox, meetings, etc. Everyone can give you advice about that. Is your husband/significant other aware of what's going on with you? Finally, how much are you taking each day, on average?

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #3
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    As always, Cat nailed it, anj.......read around and see how it can be done.....you could taper if you wanted, after the script, lots of people do that....others, just go through the few days of manky flu-like symptoms, but after 3 days, depending, the drug is out of your system....and then you start to recover. And, it would be before you get your script....but that is all up to you.

    We are here, and willing to listen........we want you to feel the freedom.

  4. #4
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Thank you so much for talking with me. When I am going through withdrawal my anxiety and depression comes on so strongly I can hardly bare it. I have wanted to get clean for awhile now. Even when I'm using I have constant guilt. I know that it is what would be best for myself and for my family. I feel like I have gone through hell and back with this problem and yet why am I not strong enough to cancel the scripts? Right now I probably take around 12-15 10-325 daily. I spread them out throughout the day and, yes I snort them too. I know it's awful for myself. My husband pretended to not know for a long time. Mostly because it hadn't been a regular thing until about a year ago. Before that it was just a script here and there and then it was gone and I wouldn't do any more for awhile. Well my husband confronted me and after some initial denial, i admitted it to him. He wanted me to quit but wouldn't take the pills away because he wanted it to be ME who chose to stop. I continued to try harder to hide it from him. I was so ashamed of myself and felt horrible for hiding this from my loving husband. Well, eventually he told me he wanted to try it. Horrible, horrible decision. I couldn't believe he wanted this because he was so anti drug and never even smoked pot in his younger years. He tried it a little here and there and eventually we were doing it together when the kids are in bed. He doesn't do as much as me and he doesn't use any during the day. I know this wasn't a good idea but I didn't try hard enough to stop it either. Now he gets a script for norco 10-325 also for his slipped disc in his back that he has always just dealt with before. Anyways, that's where we are now. I feel like it's just out of control and I don't know if I have the courage to stop it. My anxiety and depression become so overwhelming that I want to end it all. I don't and wouldn't for my kids. I know they need me. I know they need me to be the best me.

  5. #5
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Anj,
    This is my very first time posting after lurking for about 6 months. I was going to begin my own thread, but I read yours and we sooo relate!! I am a father of 3 and I have always been there for my kids. I now realize I have used the pills when parenting and work became tough. I have an awesome wife who doesn't know about the addiction. I receive my monthly scripts from my doc for 2 slipped disks in my neck. I have tapered down to 55mg daily from about 120mg (Hydro 10/325). I have 3 pills left and don't want to go back for my refill! In my line of work I am unable to admit to any of this so I find myself hiding this from EVERYONE
    I have read many threads from silver lining, cat, Catherine and Melinda and I have seen how much y'all have helped people. I ask that u kinda get me through my journey and maybe Anj and I can do this together. This post alone his taken a big weight off my chest!! I have been hiding this for too long!!
    melindau likes this.

  6. #6
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Anj,

    I will be posting and checking in and praying for you!

  7. #7
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    And I would like to be right here, too. Time to do this.

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    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    My anxiety is also the very worst part of my withdraw. I hate snapping at my children for every little thing, soooo that's when I take another pill. The neck pain is real be I rather be off and deal with the pain. I am in my early 30s and used to really be in to working out. I have just started running again and I believe that has helped my taper. Got work tomorrow so I'm praying for a decent day. I have purchased most of the items from the Thomas recipe. I know 55mgs to 0 is a big jump so the anxiety of what's up ahead is already eating at me! I have never or will I ever purchase any pills illegally, but I know a docs office can be just as bad. So wanna do this for my fam but, I'm really fearing the next few days. Thx for listening and I'm praying for you and your husband Anj!
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  9. #9
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    You need to think about how you want to do this, Lookin......and just how you want to approach. Would a taper fit in with your lifestyle? Or would just jumping at 55mg (some on here have done it from 120mg) You need to think about your life, and what would work best.

    If you want to save your family this is a crucial decision for you. I wish I could make it easy and give you a done answer, but this is ultimately your choice.

    We will be right here. Both of you.....God bless.

  10. #10
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    It's nice to see others who are going through the same thing even though I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm dreading tomorrow because I've been down this road before and I know how bad the first few days are. Also the sleepless nights. Lookin keep us updated on how you are doing. I'm glad that my post could help lift a small burden off of you.

  11. #11
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Thank you guys for the response. Silver, I have a docs apt on Tuesday, but I was going to try to do it without having to go there again. I may have to and taper down even lower if this doesn't go well (hoping I can have that discipline). As far as my lifestyle? Well I work much overtime and am a head coach for 2 baseball teams

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    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Unsure why my previous post was cut off. Silver, Melinda, Cat and Catherine I wanted to let you know that I'm sure you influence hundreds maybe thousands with your inspiring posts. Those that haven't built up the courage to post. Hey Anj, do you ever find yourself watching your children and others and wonder how they can be so happy and in good spirits without a pill? I have caught myself doing that a lot lately. I wonder if I can ever get to that point since I feel like I'm so edgy an down without it. One can only hope. Well have a good night everyone and thx again for caring!
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  13. #13
    melindau is offline Member
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    hi Looking
    how are you doing...glad you found us!!!
    Melinda

  14. #14
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Oh yeah, and I also think back to my old self. I used to be so carefree and happy and high spirited. I used to be able to naturally beam a happy smile and happy attitude without the weight of pills on my shoulders. I find myself obsessing over the pills these days much more than I ever did. I think,"when can I get my next refill? When will insurance allow me to pick it up? When will the pharmacy allow me to pick it up?" Then followed by only 4 more days, only 3 more days, only 2 more days. Funny thing is that by the time I can pick up a new script I'm feeling so much better physically. No body aches and sweats, or chills, no overwhelming anxiety. It's always the first few days that bring me so, so low. And yet, even though i am feeling better physically I think "oh yay, a new script! I can't wait to pick it up today," even though I know full well the circle of hell I'm restarting. It's so easy to forget about all the hell you have been through the past week when a new script is available. All you can focus on is the amazing feeling you are soon about to experience. At least that's the way it goes for me. God I love my kids more than I can describe. I know I need to quit this for them but how do I find the strength and will power? It's so easy to give in.

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    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Oh and I forgot to mention to you Looking that I also find great help with working out. My husband and I do a program called UFCfit which works you out very hard and I really need to get on a regular schedule with this again even though it is so hard while going through withdrawal. It makes me happier and lowers my anxiety when i stay active. Also my husband is a marathon runner. He ran a marathon a few weeks ago and is signed up for another at the end of this month.

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    Hi all, I haven't posted on any threads before, but have been reading, learning and planning for a while. I've been on and off Norco for a decade. I've experienced everything that's been mentioned on these walls plus a few other things.
    Last Wednesday, I FINALLY said "I'm done, I'm NOT taking anymore pills". I couldn't take it anymore. The constant fear of being without, counting them, recounting them, fear of dying and leaving my children motherless. I still had a week and a half of my RX left when I made the decision to finally stop after all these years.
    I was up to 12+ of Norco 10/325 a day. I'm on day the end of day 4. Let me just say, it's NOTHING like I thought it would be like! I wish I'd done it sooner, but I was always terrified!
    Yeah, sleeping is near impossible for a few days, you sweat, RLS major, tired, yawning, sneezing....but you just have to remember, that's NOTHING in comparison to what can happen if you DON'T make this change. It's uncomfortable and annoying at best. I've seen "H" detox first hand....THAT is what I was fearing. This is totally doable....trust me. I am YOU 5 days ago. You can beat this. You're a mother....that's what we do. We're strong and can do anything. Especially for the right reasons. PLEASE ask me anything if there's anyting you need or questions.
    I followed the "Thomas recipe" as well!! Good luck sweetie...I KNOW you got this
    Catherine120813 likes this.

  17. #17
    whisperey is offline Junior Member
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    Unhappy

    I am new to this site and I am in withdraw now for 2 days.I am alone in my room and I am sick.I started out 15 yrs ago taking vic for a back injury, then moved on to perc , then oxy then >>>>>> snorting it no needles involved.I have pain all over my body, sweating , vomiting and cannot eat or sleep.I made up my mind that I have had enough.I can get my hands on w/e I want right now to end this withdraw but I won't because I want
    want my life back.I would like to know how long this may last before I feel ok? I am not taking anything to help ease this pain.I just want to get through this in one piece and move on with my life.At this point what I am going through is pretty bad to the point of being scary.The harder drug I moved onto is causing me extreme sickness.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-14-2014 at 11:41 PM.

  18. #18
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Hey Anj,

    How's it going? Thanks for the update and additional info on yourself and hubby. What a mess, huh? +/-120 per day. Totally doable. I promise. Won't be fun but you're half way there already. Keep us posted and consider the script that will be ready in a few days. Next month you'll be at square one again. That would suck!

    Lookin, Whisper, and Badtiming--I'm going to start threads for each of you. Continue to show your love here for Anj but in order to post and receive posts directly to you in order to help it's a whole lot easier for us to find you and keep things sorted in our own heads. OK? Please look for them and post there with info about yourselves including your doc, how much, where you are in detox, tapering, etc. That will help folks give you some advice and encouragement. I promise, no matter where you're at there are those of us who have been or are exactly there.

    Peace,

    Cat

  19. #19
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    I really do appreciate everyone who posts, thank you. I had a horrible night. Insomnia, body aches, restless feeling in my arms, anxiety. My youngest woke up a few times last night so I was dealing with that on top of it. I have a shooting nerve pain down my arm. I feel scared and it feel alone. God knows i never ever want to feel this way again. My stomach is bothering me a ton today. Yesterday I had no appetite but today I bad stomach pains. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today. My youngest is at a very trying age and is a horrible sleeper. I don't really get a break during the day because he fights naps. He's 13 months old so he still should be taking them. I think one of the reasons that I started to depend so heavily on the pain pills is because he had horrible colic as a baby. He cried constantly, and I really do mean constantly. He wouldn't sleep for longer than 1.5-2 hours at a time. My husband works all the time and I was alone with an active 2 year old and a crying baby and it was so hard. I can't even explain how hard it is for me to write that because it sounds like I'm blaming my addiction on my children. That's not the case, they are by far the best thing in my life and I love them so much I couldn't even explain it. Also I know I suffer from anxiety. I do take Buspar for it but I don't know that it's helping too much any more. I have tried almost every antidepressant out there and while taking them, they make me feel worse than not taking them. I don't react well to them. I really wish I had a script for xanex because I feel like I had panic attacks all the time. It's so very hard for me to take my kids into a doctors office at the age that they are at right now and with me feeling as sick as I do I don't know if I could even do it physically. I am so scared of getting that next script filled and starting this nightmare over again. I wish I could have enough self control to taper off but I just don't know if I do at this point. If any one has any tips or advice or comfort for me right now, I could really use it. Thanks

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anj14 View Post
    I really do appreciate everyone who posts, thank you. I had a horrible night. Insomnia, body aches, restless feeling in my arms, anxiety. My youngest woke up a few times last night so I was dealing with that on top of it. I have a shooting nerve pain down my arm. I feel scared and it feel alone. God knows i never ever want to feel this way again. My stomach is bothering me a ton today. Yesterday I had no appetite but today I bad stomach pains. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today. My youngest is at a very trying age and is a horrible sleeper. I don't really get a break during the day because he fights naps. He's 13 months old so he still should be taking them. I think one of the reasons that I started to depend so heavily on the pain pills is because he had horrible colic as a baby. He cried constantly, and I really do mean constantly. He wouldn't sleep for longer than 1.5-2 hours at a time. My husband works all the time and I was alone with an active 2 year old and a crying baby and it was so hard. I can't even explain how hard it is for me to write that because it sounds like I'm blaming my addiction on my children. That's not the case, they are by far the best thing in my life and I love them so much I couldn't even explain it. Also I know I suffer from anxiety. I do take Buspar for it but I don't know that it's helping too much any more. I have tried almost every antidepressant out there and while taking them, they make me feel worse than not taking them. I don't react well to them. I really wish I had a script for xanex because I feel like I had panic attacks all the time. It's so very hard for me to take my kids into a doctors office at the age that they are at right now and with me feeling as sick as I do I don't know if I could even do it physically. I am so scared of getting that next script filled and starting this nightmare over again. I wish I could have enough self control to taper off but I just don't know if I do at this point. If any one has any tips or advice or comfort for me right now, I could really use it. Thanks
    Anj,
    Take Imodium for your belly. It sounds weak and useless, but trust me it's everything but! It'll help tremendously. It is "opiate" based, but does not cross the BBB therefore, non addictive. Get vitamins, potassium, drink LOTS of fluids. You don't want to dehydrate. Take 10 baths a day if you have to...they help.
    Just please remember it DOES get better!! This is just your body taking itself back from the devil! It's worth it...just a few days for a lifetime of happiness, health and freedom from opiates.
    Good luck! You can do this

  21. #21
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Thank you, I just have some generic Imodium. Will that help? I wish I had the ability to rest and take lots of baths but I'm literally using everything I have to just keep up with my two little ones right now. Thank you for your advice. Oh and on top of it all, my kids and I have all caught a nasty cold.

  22. #22
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    How much Imodium should i take? Just the regular amount?

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    Yes, ANY Imodium will help. I don't know if you've looked up the "Thomas recipie" or not, but it does help a lot! You can take a couple of Imodium...the worst that happens is a little constipation, but that's something we deal with daily anyway isn't it? haha
    You're doing GREAT!! You'll come out the other side and be with your children everyday....happy and healthy!!
    I came down with a cold the same time I was detoxing...it's kinda a good thing because people think you're just "sick" and not withdrawing. It may also slow the lil ones down some as well
    Ben Gay helped with my muscle twitching...not completely, but do whatever works for you. Biggest things are fluids, fluids fluids,and vitamins
    I started a thread of my own (I was told it'd make things easier) with what I've done and been through
    I hope it helps, but please know that it's not going to be as bad as we've built it up in our heads. You CAN do this

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    No, you can take what you feel you need. I was taking 3 at a time. I didn't have any diaraha and just tapered back as the days went on. Listen to your body. Just make sure you are drinking fluids constantly throughout the day...that also helps the "detox" process along a little faster.

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    I don't know if you said, but how many Norco were you taking daily? I'm only asking because I was taking the same meds as you, but was up to 12-13 daily and can maybe gage your detox on mine?

  26. #26
    silverlining1 is offline Senior Member
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    Stay strong, Anj.......I know its tough, but just a couple days and you will feel better. I know it sounds kinda stupid, but I told myself I just had the flu. It made it easier in my mind, because I had so much guilt about the pills, that I thought I would be punished harder, or something.....so, I kept telling myself....its just a bad flu, quit being a baby.

    You'll be fine.....all of bad timings advice is great.

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    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Thx cat, I'll be looking out for the thread. Anj, I know exactly what you are going through! I have a 14 month old lil boy and he is NON-STOP! I am at the docs office with him right now as I think he has an ear infection. I requested the day off today to try to deal with the withdraw, but I ended up having to watch my boy and bring him to the doc

  28. #28
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Unsure why my original message keeps getting cut off. This was it.

    Thx cat, I'll be looking out for the thread. Anj, I know exactly what you are going through! I have a 14 month old lil boy and he is NON-STOP! I am at the docs office with him right now as I think he has an ear infection. I requested the day off today to try to deal with the withdraw, but I ended up having to watch my boy and bring him to the doc

  29. #29
    LookinAhead is offline Banned
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    Like you, my kids are my world! I have not told my wife about my dependence to the hydro yet, but I started breaking her in last night telling her I think I may be stopping the medication as it's no longer helping the pain. I told her I'm hoping my body hadn't become dependent. I hate having to lie to her. Anj, it sounds like you an your husband are a dedicated couple (marathons and UFC workouts for crying out loud). I looked at tapering the same way I see my workouts. Workouts were one more rep or one more mile while tapering was one more minute to one more hour without a pill. I was able to go 14 hrs without one today and hope to take it to 16 today. I was at 55mgs yesterday and I'm being forced to drop down to 20mgs today as I only have 3 pills left

  30. #30
    Anj14 is offline Member
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    Bad timing I was taking between 12-15 norco 10/325 daily. How long have you been detoxing? Thanks for all the advice. God I hate that I brought all this misery on myself.
    Silverlining thank you for that advice, I will try to tell myself that. Right now I am terrified a panic attack is going to come on and I have no xanex right now. I feel like the worlds biggest failure and idiot for allowing this to happen.
    Lookin thank you for continuing to check in, it sounds like our situations are very similar. How are you feeling with the tapering? Have you been dealing with withdrawal symptoms? Yes, the age that our younger ones are at right now is SO trying. My older son took good naps during the day, 2.5 hour naps or so. My younger son will often not nap AT ALL and if he does it's only 45 minutes or so. Then the rest of the time he is into everything and non stop and I get so exhausted keeping up with them. When I took the pills I felt like I could keep up with them no problem. They made me feel like a super mom. Under the they start to wear off and I get irritable or even worse, run out and then I'm completely worthless while going through detox.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 09-15-2014 at 11:26 AM. Reason: Sent too soon

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