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Ahh Day 9 off Subs AGAIN
  1. #31
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Felt and so appreciative!

    I kinda feel badass right now. Screwing up so much and finally doing something right. Who is this guy anyway?
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  2. #32
    Droppinthepoppy is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxheadrum View Post
    Felt and so appreciative!

    I kinda feel badass right now. Screwing up so much and finally doing something right. Who is this guy anyway?
    Max, I almost used on day 13 with the same scenario, and I can’t begin to think about where I would be now. Instead I’m on day 54 and I feel great. Beef helped me a lot and the lead suit is gone. Work was really rough for 2 weeks after I went back (think I went to work on Day 7), but it helped me take my mind off of the withdrawal. Hang in there buddy!
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  3. #33
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Thank you so much for your post Droppin.
    The support here is unbelievable and when you've spent so much time like I have feeling like a piece of you know what, it's very moving to me.

    Definitely makes me feel like I'm not doing this alone and it's just so touching.

    Thank you thank you.
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  4. #34
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Went to bed early. The good lord above really tested my resolve yesterday. I feel good that I made the right choices but I don't know if I can withstand another day like yesterday. I'm grateful to be alive and grateful for the overwhelming support this site provides.

  5. #35
    Droppinthepoppy is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxheadrum View Post
    Went to bed early. The good lord above really tested my resolve yesterday. I feel good that I made the right choices but I don't know if I can withstand another day like yesterday. I'm grateful to be alive and grateful for the overwhelming support this site provides.
    I totally understand. I said that every other day for the first three weeks. Literally "If it keeps feeling like this, I'm not going to stay with it." In almost every case, one of my symptoms lifted shortly thereafter. For me, when the restless leg and chills went away, I knew the other symptoms would go away too. Remember that 2 steps forward one step back (and some days it feels like 2 steps back) is what to expect. On the 1 step back days I was very frustrated, but they were always followed by more relief (usually within a day or two).

    I took whatever my worst physical symptom was, and said to myself: "I'm going to stick with this until (stomach cramps, leg aches, physical anxiety, etc) goes away". Sometimes, when I posted here that I can't take "X" anymore, it was soon gone! Thinking of you today, we are all proud of you for staying with it!
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  6. #36
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Droppin-

    I'm trusting in the words of wisdom you have. I think most hard core symptoms have subsided. The worst for me is really the depression of sobriety. I know that sounds super shallow but I've spent so long jacked up on one thing or another that I don't know what a clean and sober life looks like. And I'm going to find out because I just don't want to be chained to those subs any longer. They have taken so much for me. My brain gears towards that thought all the time

  7. #37
    10years39days is offline Member
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    Just reading about your past day or so brought tears to my eyes. You’re doing the right thing...never forget that. Keep fighting for you and your family.

  8. #38
    Forceout is offline Member
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    Hello Max

    I wandered in here scared and anxious some 3 plus months ago. Because of Beef, Lvg, and all the other awesome people here, I’m 54 days clean now. It has been a real up and down trip but very worth it. Most of all I tell you to stay right here posting and reading. Nothing can help an addict better or more than other addicts. No one else can identity with the monster. The battle.

    You are doing great!! Your story, even though you may not can really see it yourself, is so inspiring my friend. You are a true warrior!!! Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight. There is nothing in this world more important in your life than what you are doing right now!!

    Godspeed.

    BTW - I feel awesome! And I am rocking at work like a young excited college grad and I’m 53. Good stuff ahead for you!!!!

    Forceout
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  9. #39
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey max. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The depression is something that comes and goes. Good days mixed with bad. It's all normal and it will pass. I was really scared about being sober and functioning too. I promise you it only gets better. The mental journey is quite formidable. But guess what? You're killing it. It may not feel like it right now, but you're slaying the beast. Keep doing what you're doing!!

    Keep your chin up!!
    You got this!
    Beef
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  10. #40
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Thank you all for the encouraging words. I feel lost right now. Depression is hovering hard core.


    Last night was rough. Only got a couple hours sleep. The bed can sometimes be a torture rack. Laying around and kicking myself to sleep. That sucks.

    I really appreciate the kind words and support. Not sure how I'm going to get through the day on so little energy.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-04-2018 at 08:29 AM.
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  11. #41
    eazzye is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxheadrum View Post
    Thank you all for the encouraging words. I feel lost right now. Depression is hovering hard core.


    Last night was rough. Only got a couple hours sleep. The bed can sometimes be a torture rack. Laying around and kicking myself to sleep. That sucks.

    I really appreciate the kind words and support. Not sure how I'm going to get through the day on so little energy.
    you got this man! take some vitamins, get some ginseng (if your stomach can handle that right now) and take on the day! i know the mental aspect you’re writing about.. some days i feel great and some days i feel so lethargic i can’t move, luckily my job is very understanding and have been working with me through this “flu/cold”. but it’s all a mind game, you control your life and you control your sobriety. DONT EVER let a nasty little orange strip decide whether you feel okay or not! these freezing temperatures aren’t making anything better i’m sure, but i have faith in you.

    -e

  12. #42
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    E-

    Thank you. I am really doing my best. Today is difficult because I feel very down and hopeless. Today is two weeks and I don't want to give in now. But at the same time it's a real challenge to pull through days like today. I feel emotionless and have no good thoughts going through my head.

    One of these days I hope to experience what everyone else is saying they feel.

    Just right now it's very hard to hang on.

  13. #43
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Max Sorry to hear you going through all this but I promise this all normal part of the process. It takes a long time for our bodies and brains to heal from all the garbage we put in. Have you looked into getting face to face support Na Aa counseling thearpy? It will give you the tools to cope with all you are going through. The physical part is hard enough but Mentally the beast wants back in your body is screaming for the drugs. Stay hydrated get as much excersise in as you can. Keep posting and reading here it helps.

  14. #44
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Thanks LVG.

    It is utterly amazing to me what lack of sleep can do to the early recovering addicts mentality. Last night, although I did wake up a few times here and there drenched in sweat, I got sleep. Beautiful beautiful sleep!

    I feel terrific this morning and my outlook and positivity have returned.

    I'm sorry for all the self loathing but a large part of me wants to make sure I'm being as honest as I can so if the temptation to ever pick up another sub creeps up, I can read my thread to remind me of the hard work it takes to stay clean.

    I hope everyone has a blessed day!
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  15. #45
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Nice. Glad you got some good sleep last night. I didn't sleep much my first three weeks and it was so deflating. It just seemed to enhance everything that I was feeling. Just gotta stay positive and take the sleep as it comes. It's only temporary and you have come so far!!!! Don't look back keep making that forward progress!!

    Don't worry about the self loathing and poor pitiful me routines. We have all done it. Just get on here and let it all out. We're really good listeners and can sympathize with your pain!!

    Have a great day Max!!
    Beef
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  16. #46
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Beef-

    I continue to be inspired by your words and acts of kindness. I am feeling so grateful.
    I hope today rocks for you too!

  17. #47
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxheadrum View Post
    Thanks LVG.

    It is utterly amazing to me what lack of sleep can do to the early recovering addicts mentality. Last night, although I did wake up a few times here and there drenched in sweat, I got sleep. Beautiful beautiful sleep!

    I feel terrific this morning and my outlook and positivity have returned.

    I'm sorry for all the self loathing but a large part of me wants to make sure I'm being as honest as I can so if the temptation to ever pick up another sub creeps up, I can read my thread to remind me of the hard work it takes to stay clean.

    I hope everyone has a blessed day!


    Hello Max -

    I'm sooo late to the party, but I just wanted to jump in and say hello! I posted to you a while back when you made your very first post on that other thread. Can't remember the name of that thread now, but I questioned you on "why" you had tried to beat the subs 7 times? Lol. I wasn't being nasty or anything like that, just curious as to how you were using the subs, how much you were taking, and how you were tapering were some of the questions I asked. I saw you began this thread, but due to my serious lack of time I just haven't been around to welcome you until now. So welcome Max!

    I've read this entire thread and see you jumped from 4mgs of Suboxone. While I would never recommend anyone ever do that YOU did it and are doing just fine. Well not just fine, but AWESOME!!! You've gotten some really great advice, support and suggestions from the members. And you're doing all the right things Max!

    Just keep doing what you're doing. I'll continue to follow your progress and promise to post when I can. Take care my friend. Proud of you!

    Randy
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  18. #48
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Randy-
    Thank you so much. Please know I did read your post and I didn't take offense to it at all. One thing I need to remember in these threads is that unless I am descriptive, I won't be able to effectively communicatey history. Naturally that's important for the supportive folks like you to weigh in.

    I would like to say that my entire opioid abuse has been 100% illegal in terms that I've never seen a doctor for any of the stuff I've taken.

    So that I don't incriminate myself, I will refrain from some of the significant details which lead to my oxy addiction and what I was doing to feed that beast. However, it's probably not that uncommon of a story. Sadly, addiction brings out the very worst in us and makes us do things a clean mind would never consider.

    It is true that active addiction only leads to three outcomes...Jails ..Institutions...or death.

    I have always been a pretty active person. Over the summer, I stopped my active addiction for 30 days. I kept telling myself it was for my cousin but I knew it was really more so I wouldn't worry about the medication and how it would impact my SCUBA diving course with my kid.

    However, after getting back on those evil things in September, I tried to focus on all the real reasons I should stay away from them. So I formulated a plan and took the week of Christmas off to wrestle with it.

    As you can see I have had some pretty hard days but if I were honest, I have also had some pretty good moments too.

    I don't know what the future will bring, but for the first time in a LOOONG time, I want to face it clean.

    This site has given me a voice and has allowed me to read others who have struggled with the very things I am dealing with now.

    I hope you are well and I am just so appreciative of all the support. It's overwhelming and it feels great to reduce my thoughts to writing.
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  19. #49
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Woke up today feeling pretty good. Sleep is still hit or miss. Guess I'll just accept the notion that time will eventually correct that. Found out last night my brother in law has been using M*th. In shock from that.
    I don't know how I'll handle that.
    Feeling a bit terrified today.

  20. #50
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Max just remember you are in early recovery focus on yourself. You have to be healthy first. You can carry the message not the Addict. Yes it takes time for our bodies and brain to heal. I can promise you today if you stay the course it just keeps getting better....
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  21. #51
    eazzye is offline Member
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    you can do this max! today is day 13 for me, and just like everyone said, my days keep getting better! FOCUS on YOU. YOUR health comes first. like beef says - one foot in front the other and you’ll keep making it. i believe in you!

    -e
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  22. #52
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey max. Lvg and e are right. You gotta focus on yourself first. I know you want to do everything for your brother in law but you need to make sure you're healthy. Just take it slow and keep doing what you're doing. As you know you need to want this more than anything! One day he will get sick and tired of being sick and tired. And you'll be ready with open arms.

    Sleep will come, it's usually the last thing to balance out. Take sleep as it comes, don't watch the clock it will drive you crazy. Eventually you'll be sleeping like a baby. You're exactly where you need to be! Keep it rolling and racking up those clean days!!

    Have a great weekend!
    Beef

  23. #53
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    E,LVG, and Beef-

    You guys are all correct. It's day 16 today and I am starting to see the old self return.

    Really need to focus on what I am doing. I don't know where you all find the courage to speak your minds but I love it.

    It's insane to realize just how much suffering is associated with addiction. I will never be able to look at another addicted soul without my compassion going out to them. I'm Learning how much that stuff doesn't care where you come from, what level of education you have or the types of places we live. addiction has nearly torn my family to pieces.

    I pray for the sanity of all of us afflicted to return. To rewrite the wrongs, to be able to say "I'm sorry" and actually mean it.
    I continue to be inspired and am seeing things for the first time.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-06-2018 at 01:49 PM.

  24. #54
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Just stopping in to tell you that you are doing amazing.
    I am Proud of You..

  25. #55
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Thanks LVG!

    Today is day 17 and I am cautiously and quietly feeling more and more confident!

    And it doesnt hurt that today we finally got a heat wave (well if you consider 30 degrees).
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  26. #56
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Keep it up Max... It gets better everyday...

  27. #57
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    LVG-

    You are right.



    Today is day 18 and I am seriously feeling amazing! I took the day off of work to get some much needed projects done at the house. It was great considering my teenage son was home because of snow and school being called off. I had a super great morning with him and connected on a couple of different levels. I've always been a dude who wore his heart on his sleeve. I'll tell you this, hugging my beautiful kid and telling him I love him really carries a stronger message for me right now. I've shielded him from what I'm really dealing with but I don't ever want to look in my kids eyes again being blown off my rocker on opiates or anything else.

    I am so grateful to be alive and to FEEL it!

    Hoping everyone who might read this has an incredibly blessed day!

  28. #58
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Max I'm glad your feeling better today...I'm going to get honest with you as amazing as you feel right now you know life shows up...I'm saying because first I'm living it and because I care Max. This is not your first time with all this so with that said have you looked into face to face support. If I remember correctly you had or still do go to counseling. I'm saying this Max because I had that thinking after being clean Feeling Great life shows up I truly believe without my support system I wouldn't have had the tools to stay clean. I'm Proud of You.. keep posting my friend..
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  29. #59
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    LVG I hear you completely. To answer your question, yes I continue to go to counseling and I am trying to learn those same coping tools to deal when life does hit again.

    I agree with you 100% and I am humbled to know you are a friend who actually will get honest with me. I have tried to gloss over things before and I didnt have a support structure in place and I sure as hell wasnt about to listen to anyone else. Those were all terrible choices and each time I relapsed I could look back to see exactly why I failed. And I didn't possess the ability to see that for myself. I've had to learn that about myself in counseling. So you know, I have also gotten myself a sponsor. I know life is going to get tough but this time around I'm trying my hardest to give myself the right tools to cope.

    I think this site has helped too and although I value it very much, I am also realistic in that I need much more to really keep this active addiction under control.

    Brutal honesty works well with mindset and I have already seen my sponsor isn't about to waste his time dealing with someone who isn't serious. I want to be that guy and I hope I can be but baby steps first.

    Really appreciate your comments!

  30. #60
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Proud of You Max you sound like you really want this. Nothing wrong with a healthy support group. will Post more later just seems there is not enough hours in the day lately. Again Proud of You my friend..
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