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Ahh Day 9 off Subs AGAIN
  1. #151
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Little update.
    First and foremost. I am grateful to be here and alive! I refuse to be a victim of addiction any longer.

    No.

    Matter.

    What.


    As we all know, addiction is a MF'er all by itself and a tough enough demon to fight.

    But most of us have lost a lot along the way and once we decide to get clean, we all seem to realize that the things we can get back...we want them all back now. And the people we've used or let down? Well they want everything back too.

    So what is it we can possibly give them?
    I don't have those answers for you. But I'm beginning to figure out what those things are for me. What I can give to those who have fought this alongside me (despite my efforts to ignore their significance and their incredible sacrifice)... Is a simple and meaningful promise for once in my life.

    I have promised my family I won't tell them I'm working late only to drive to a dealers house and get jacked up.

    I've promised them that I'll stop drinking like a lunatic and deal with them with a sober mind and an open heart.

    I've promised them they will never get a knock on the door by police telling them they found me dead in a car...alone...with drugs and alcohol scattered.

    I've promised them to be present, really and truly present for everything good and bad in their life.

    That's what strong family men do. They are givers. And over the past 47 days, that is what I am returning to.

    It's not all coming back on everyone's timeline. But ya know, inch by inch;-).

    I hope everyone is doing well and I hope you are all hugging your loved ones tight.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-06-2018 at 09:16 PM.

  2. #152
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Ohhhh Max a big hug for you from me. No matter what we have the choice to never have to use again. Love your update but you forgot someone...the most important person is you my friend if your Healthy everyone around you will benefit..
    Proud of You....
    Autumnhopes likes this.

  3. #153
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    LVG- your kindness transcends this site and reaches right to me.

    I hope you are well :-)
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  4. #154
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Yes max. Everyone heals differently. 48 days and you're still clean!!! Chalk up another one my friend. Just keep plugging along. It only gets better. Good days and bad days. Soon they'll all be good. I'm so proud of you!! You're doing great!!

    Keep that chin up!!
    Beef

    *I got a hug for you too if you so desire*
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  5. #155
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Thanks Beef!

    You know this has definitely had its good and bad moments.
    I think for me I really need to get beyond the sentencing of the dealer who sold my cousin a bill of death.

    He is pleading guilty Feb 23rd and I intend to go to the hearing.

    I think once I'm past that point, I'll be in a better place.

    Thank you for that hug and for caring so much.

    I hope K is doing ok with little Beef and I hope she got that raise!
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  6. #156
    Wavision is offline Member
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    Great to hear your positivity Max. Justice shall be served and hopefully that will give you some type of comfort.

    Keep up the great work.
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  7. #157
    10years39days is offline Member
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    Max - I love reading your thread and posts. You wear your heart on your sleeve...and almost always feed us a message that we can digest.

    Keep stepping in the right direction.

  8. #158
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    This house process has been such a roller coaster.


    My cousin died leaving my home with his children sleeping in my basement. Since that time this grand house where I sleep has been nothing but a graveyard. There isnt a room in this house where the two of of us didn't use.

    He always would tell me how proud he was that I made it out of the slums where we both were born. I took that affirmation from him and rewarded us both with the resources to use more drugs. After all, I had made it and he was still struggling to pay the bills working under the table.
    Wouldn't we ALL go that distance for someone we loved so much?

    Maybe not but there was no question I would.


    When he died , my life vein was crushed. Despite my wealth, I tried to raise him up through massive drug buys for us both.
    That was my way of "rewarding" him for the various times we went back to back and dared any SOB to bring his best game and 10 of his pals.

    We are Irishman. Drinking others under the table ?

    Check..

    Having a go at the hottest girls in the room?

    Of course.

    Fighting other supposed alpha males? Oh yeah .. as fast as they could come.

    Drugs?

    As much as we could get our hands on.

    That was life for me many years. I never let that attitude go...all the way up to the day he died.

    All of that came crashing down. Seeing my big strong Army Ranger cousin in a box has a way of showing itself how weak I really am.

    These days, grief washes ashore on the beaches and reveals itself in small particles. The whole of something is now a thousand pieces of fine granular sand.

    But tonight I realized ....sometimes the tide washes these same devastating pieces out to the incredible mass of the ocean and submerges them.
    And then having a clear mind somehow begins to magnetize them all back.

    Sure the shell has the apparent cracks of
    an object put back together. And the viewer sees it as a broken and fragile piece of work. And to many degrees they are right. But they can't see the strength in the lines of those cracks.

    That's what I have tried to become. The strength lies in the cracks and shouldn't be readily seen by the viewer. To Cat's beautified words...we are Monarchs. You can't see in them that have traveled thousands of miles on the most fragile of wings to reach a point where they are destined. We only see them resting on milk weed and assume they've always been there with no regard as to how treacherous their journeys have been.


    I am no longer afraid to say I am weak; I am no longer afraid to say I deeply lost and some of that was my fault; I am no longer afraid to open my scars and show every one of you my pain.


    I am free to have you all look at my cracks and judge the beauty or disgust for yourselves.

    This site has been my salvation and I cannot even begin to thank those who have posted. Those who know who you are that have listened and have loved me so blindly out of care for a fellow addict.

    Quite positive this is the most resounding love I've ever felt. I cannot begin to thank you all in sufficient ways. But I can open up this hardened heart and share it with those that have made a difference and for those reading this for the first time.

    I love you all and each and every one of you gives me strength and purpose.

    Spring is near...a pack of milkweed seed is less then 2 bucks. I'll be planting some for those butterflies to eat and rest. I hope you all will too.

    The onion ninjas are assaulting me again.

    Love to all.

  9. #159
    10years39days is offline Member
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    Wow gonna screenshot this one. D.a.m.n.

  10. #160
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Wow Max the Onion ninjas got me all the way over here.
    The strength in those cracks make you the person you are today.
    Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us here. You are
    truly inspiring...
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  11. #161
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Yes. Amazing post. I got some sand in each eye at the same time reading that one. Incredibly inspiring max. I know Travis is looking down and smiling today!

    Thank you for that one you're helping more people than you know by sharing your journey!
    Hope you have a great day my friend!
    Beef
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  12. #162
    David256 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maxheadrum View Post
    Bear-

    Thanks so much for caring enough to post so much encouragement on this site. You really are an inspiration to so many.

    You are touching on a very important question and a wise one. The other failed attempts all had an "I can do this alone" approach. I've asked myself that very question because I need to be held accountable. I had my best friend and cousin OD off some H we were both going to take. Craxy thing is that was New Year's Eve last year. I went to therapy for a while after he passed and told my family my whole addicted world. They all already knew but didn't want to push me to admit it. I have an incredible and amazing family (and most of all wife) that loves me enough to accept all my faults.

    When those around you start to die you know it wont be long before you are joining them.

    All I know is that I need face to face group meetings to help. I've tried meetings in the past and felt most of the members couldn't hold down a full time job. So the functioning addict in me somehow thought that because I could work my ass off and I was "better" somehow. What a crock of sh!t I told myself.

    I know this time around I need to have more accountability. Although as you know day 10 blows, I also know there's a path for me to get off this garbage and I CAN make it given the right circumstances.

    Your posts are very inspirational and I hope you are well mentally physically.
    Hi Max, been loving your rich posts! I’m tapering off sub on here as well, currently dropping out of 1000ft (aka 1mg).
    It really touched me, your story. Looking at early posts of yours. I felt same way about meetings and inability to relate to seemingly large majority of jobless, unmotivated bums who couldn’t hold onto anything made me feel ‘better’. It did lead me to finding meetings with a more ‘wealthy’ ‘functioning’ group of addicts but I gotta tell ya, my story 8 years ago was no glamourous one and I took solice in being back in groups of my new fellow jobless blobs—I was one also. Good on ya!
    -David

  13. #163
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Super humbled for the support for the thoughts I express.

    The amazing thing about this site is I don't share these intimate thoughts to anyone except my extended addicted family.

    Feeling loved for sure. Hope you all are having a wonderful Saturday night.

    I've been listening to Prince and looking back at pictures of my kid during the first few years of his life. Such little feet!

    Now a size 12 and an attitude to go with it.

    Sometimes I wish I could still unbuckle him from his car seat and carry his little sleeping body into the house and tuck him in.

    Creating him has easily been the best moment in my life. And watching him grow inspires me so much.

    Wow. Life can be such a sweet nectar.
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  14. #164
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Just stopping by wearing my raspberry beret. And just wanted to say congratulations on your progress buddy!! So proud of you. Thanks for the donuts. Yard needed a new look. And the donuts give it the redneck vibe that is so popular here in GA. Got you a present!!!

    *Beef deposits a bag on the doorstep, lights it and rings the doorbell, while sharing a chuckle with Armando*
    Have a great day buddy!!
    *Beef and Armando gallop of into the sunrise*

  15. #165
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Lol!

    As I see your big old frame laughing and sneaking away I pay no attention to the burning bag and step right in it!

    Thanks my man. Feeling pretty good!

  16. #166
    10years39days is offline Member
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    Armando seems like a bad influence. And here I was thinking that Beef was a good judge of character. Punk kids are taking over the place.

    <<10years somberly gazes into a nearby mirror and becomes hopeless in a moment of deep self reflection>>

  17. #167
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    10' that first line of yours had me laughing on the floor! I suppose it is time that we start scrubbing each of our friends list .


    However I do Love a good joke!

    So scoot over and share that mirror with me!

  18. #168
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    David- I really appreciate your heart felt words.

    Very clear you are a sharp mind and it's also very obvious you have the guts and steadfast approach to win this battle.

    I applaud you so much for the strength to taper. Stay with it and be sure to keep us posted as to your success!

    I know you are going to make it because you have taken the time to take care of you first.

    We have your 6.

  19. #169
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Max. How we doing today?? Just poking my head in to see. No Armando today, he didn't feel like making the trip.

  20. #170
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Little update.

    We have found a house! We are closing on our old house next Thursday. It's been a strange feeling .....emptying this place out.

    Flashes of memories are hitting me as I take certain pieces of furniture out of here. There's some sadness to it but believe me, God set the close date for this house one day before Mr.Deonte pleads guilty for a reason. I don't get all superstitious but that one can't be denied. When I face him, I will do so without the burden of coming back to this place. And I will face him with all the fkng love and support I've had on this site. I will carry each of you in that courtroom. And when I gaze upon him, I won't do so out of anger, but he will see the thousands of addicts and our pain brought on by addiction and he will see that through my eyes. And I hope he will also see a message of hope. This kid is just that. He's 19 years old. Young enough to be my son. I don't think God is done with me and him. And I am ok with that. His family and his baby child have lost too. Maybe we have something to learn and to teach one another.


    I am seriously beginning to put emotions in their place. Just as I am re arranging furniture into a new home, I am beginning to let some tough and painful memories go.

    I've had enough time speaking to them and having them pull on me to keep me fastened to the heartbreak.

    But alas, no more. I am developing an alternative approach. One that is purposeful. I now realize the beauty and importance of scars.

    I am healing and it's beautiful and special and purpose driven.

    I welcome this new home and all the wonderful memories waiting on me there.

    I hope you are all staying strong and racking up those clean days.

    Peace and love.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-15-2018 at 08:12 PM.

  21. #171
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Wow Max awesome post my friend.
    Forgiveness... Empathy... Compassion...
    You my friend are an inspiration to all here.
    Thank You...
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  22. #172
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    You inspire many here my friend. Amazing post. We are all with you.

    Try to stay dry today. Looks like Cincy has been getting killed by rain for the past two days.

    Have a good one, they keep getting better!

    Beef

  23. #173
    ChiefChe is offline Senior Member
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    *Lugges in heavy ice pick*

    Just stopping by to break the ice & say Team Milkweed here!! Your story is inspiring (yes, it's me that's been peeking thru your windows). Out of all the tragedy, the miracle of soberity hatches- just as the Phoenix arises from its own ashes. Mad Luv & Respect! Don't look back!

    I Bleed Scarlet & Gray Too,

    ❤️
    Che

  24. #174
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    That post made my day Che! Very sweet and thoughtful. Thank you very much.
    And I love you are on team milkweed. It's pretty cool :-).



    A little update:

    Life has been nothing short of absolute chaos. Over the past two weeks, I've been moving stuff out of the old house and into storage units. Most the stuff we have has been moved by my son and I.

    Very ironic that a little over two months ago I would have had easily 10 dudes helping me. Problem is I would be worried about them lifting my stuff and selling it to get high! I swear sobriety cracks me up in the massive change of perspective one can have.


    So the Misses and I are darn near in the new house and not a minute too soon. These old bones have taken a serious beating and I couldn't be more ready to relax. The new house is really an awesome fresh start for all three of my banchies :-).

    And to let you all know, I did sell the old house and was able to know Mr. Dickey did in fact plead guilty. I showed up for the hearing but the federal government moved it up two days. I felt strange being there but was more relieved that I didn't have to face him. God is really good sometimes.

    Although last week I transacted over 4 million in commercial loans for our bank and sold a house and negotiated another and tried to move every stick of furniture and somehow coordinate all that with the drama of a guilty plea and face my two awesome dogs and to deal with their sad eyes knowing full well they knew our stuff was disappearing out of the house...

    I made it through all of that. And I want to wrap my paws around all of you for the mental support I've received.

    It's amazing to me that in sobriety I get a wonderful case of the feels with all of you.

    When I was high all the time I didn't want to share anything (emotionally or dope wise).

    So thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

    If any of you ever think this site isn't exactly were we all need to be, I beg you to read more stories of strength and hope on here. They exist at every turn.

    Hope you all have had amazing stories of your own since I've last posted.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 02-26-2018 at 11:11 PM.

  25. #175
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    I see it's been 9 days since I've posted.

    Life gets unusually busy when your mind isn't fixated on drugs.

    So i have had one string of crazy bad luck followed by another. Our new house is a little older than the previous and it's already needed some work. For instance, I had a new fridge delivered and as soon as they hooked it up, the water line broke.

    I suppose this house is a lot like me, it's old and cranky but if you can get around those spots it will love ya like no other.


    So I thought the dealer had plead guilty but that wasn't the case. He had his attorney fired and apparently that was the reasoning for the previous hearing where I missed.

    However, the federal prosecutor called me and apologized I had missed the hearing and to also tell me that there was a new court date set where he would be agreeing to the plea bargain. That happened yesterday.

    I went down to the courthouse and watched as the US Marshalls escorted him into the courtroom with ankle shackles and hand cuffs.

    Prior to the judge coming in, he turned back and looked straight at me. I was sitting in the back row and it was not difficult to gaze upon one another given the only people in the courtroom were attorneys and marshals and a couple of law clerks and myself.

    Once the judge came in, he was very calm and maticulous to explain what was happening from a legal perspective.

    I found this interesting as the judge took great care to ensure this kid understood the proceedings and made sure he was aware as to the charges he was about to plea to.

    Once the proceedings began, the prosecutor asked of the DEA agent who put this case together to testify as to the evidence. Once the agent began recanting the evidence, I admittedly wasn't really prepared for the emotions of that night to surface. This agent was very specific as to the times where my cousins cell phone was pinging against various towers as well as the time the dealers phone was doing the same thing.

    As it turns out, my cousin was sold junk literally in front of a scrap yard. A grave of sorts for all our unwanted things in life.

    As I heard this testimony I just started welling up and I tried as hard as I could to stop it but I couldn't.

    Then once the agent said "The defendant then sold "TR" a schedule one and two controlled substance consistent with fentanyl and H ".

    the judge then said "How do you plea to the charge"

    Dickey spoke softly and with a break in his voice "Guilty".

    All the memories of my cousin and I and our plans surfaced. Just as the odd and uncomfortable feeling of looking this kid in the eye knowing all my cousin had to do was turn into my neighborhood and I would have been dead too and he would have been looking at two murders instead of one.

    While all these extreme emotions were hitting me at once, I wanted to stand up and say to the judge I was guilty too.

    I could have stopped this from happening but my addiction wouldn't let it.

    I could have set a better example for my cousin but my addiction slammed that door too.

    No matter what sentence the system brings on this kid, it applies to all of us.
    His family and ours and especially Trav's kids will have to endure this life without his physical presence.

    That alone is the deepest hurt I've ever felt as a man. It's a dark complex set of guilt and regret.

    I know through all the professional support I've had that despite this sadness and insanity, I have been given a gift of sobriety regardless. I have too much riding on this turn with sobriety and it far out paces the restless leg or insomnia or lack of energy/appetite.

    I am getting closer to understanding where the start point of all this is. 74 days clean and i don't know sh!t.

    What I do know is I hurt like hell, I grieve a ton over my cousin and I know I am to blame for some of this wreckage.

    But I also know that to continue to heal I have to be like the turtle in Kung Fu Panda.

    He said

    Yesterday is History
    Tomorrow is a mystery

    Today is a gift

    And that is why they call it the present


    Love to you all


    and I appreciate everyone of you who has taken the time to read this thread.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 03-07-2018 at 11:59 PM.

  26. #176
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Max. Sorry to hear about the house issues. There's always something to fix, that's for sure. I just had to replace the hot water heater because the girls didn't want to take cold showers....... I know right, they can be so needy sometimes. Lol.

    I can only imagine how it felt in the courtroom. You are a true warrior. I know you feel the like it's your fault, but you gotta let that go my friend. I know Travis wouldn't want that looming over your head. I know you guys were inseparable and closer than imaginable. You're doing such an amazing job and now 74 days clean. There isn't a soul on here that isn't proud of how far you've come!! And guess what. It keeps getting better!!! Smile, give the wife and family a big hug!! You're doing this. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Because you're killing this even with all the roadblocks that life has thrown your way.

    S3nding positive vibes and prayers your way my friend!!
    As always, proud of you!!
    Beef

  27. #177
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Thanks beef!

    Yeah the house is a giant money pit but what house isn't?

    Thanks for the kind words.

    The physical WD has been over for a while but I'm still finding myself in this world. I feel good and can't wait to just post normal stuff on here. The plea was a big relief and I do feel some sense of closure.

    I haven't been on here much but I intend to soon since my world is finally getting back to normal. Well as normal as it gets.

    I've been reading other threads this morning and I intend to post some good vibes to some who might need a little lift.

    Hope you and K are doing well!
    Beefaroni7272 likes this.

  28. #178
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Been a little bit but thought I'd check in and post a little update.


    Today is 94 days clean!

    Wow.

    Didn't really occur to me I hit over the 3 month mark until this morning.
    I was having my usual Saturday morning cup of coffee and had a flashback to the first few days of the acute withdrawal stage. A feeling of anxiety washed over me. The sensation of the torture and hell of the physical symptoms came rushing back. I felt like My body was going to take a step back. But I soon realized I'm clean and it was just my thoughts messing with me. Boy the psychological piece can be a bear at times. But I do find myself rarely thinking of suboxone or any other opioid for that matter.

    And that is a terrific blessing!



    The new house continues to be yet another awesome aspect of my recovery. This house has never witnessed me getting high and I find that really powerful.

    So grateful. I hope you are all well and I hope you are all staying strong.


    This is such an amazing site. All of you on here are beautiful people.

  29. #179
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    I've stopped counting the days clean and I'm beginning to see beyond the acute W/D phase. Ive started to look at days without the DOC and replace those thoughts with normal daily things.

    I am slowly beginning to develop a new way to think. It's been great to stop
    Living an active addiction lifestyle and focus on being a better dad and husband.

    It's also made me a better employee too.
    Despite all the tragedy, I am finding ways to stay clean. And as each day passes, I am more convinced that I'm framing in a new life.

    Hope and positive thoughts are only miliseconds away from any of us.

    When addictive thoughts seem to get the best of me, I just now embrace them and surrender knowing I can't best the demon. But I'll never stop acknowledging he's there.

    I've acknowledged the real fact that ones DOC will always win if the wall has given way. That gives me big time courage to keep being vigilant.

    Strength is almost always waiting in ambush of every fear I have.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-07-2018 at 01:00 AM.

  30. #180
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey max just wanted to poke my head in and bump your thread up. Hope all is well.

    So I figured if I'm gonna be writing a book I need a really fitting nom de plume. Let me know what you think.

    1.) Biff Webster
    2.) Chuck Steak
    3.) Jack Hammer
    4.) Steele Rockland

    You know a manly mans name.

    Have a great day my friend
    Beef

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