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Ahh Day 9 off Subs AGAIN
  1. #1
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Default Ahh Day 9 off Subs AGAIN

    Hello all.

    I'm new to this site but am trying to get some weight off my shoulders. I was an every day sub user for about a year and a half. Taking anywhere from 2mg a day to graduating to 4mg a day. I was able to jump off in May of 17 and got to day 29. That night I gave in to a neighbor and snorted a 30mg oxy. Felt terrible and guilty the next day and went on another run of 29 days of recovery till I broke. And have been using subs illegally ever since September.

    This time, I jumped 9 days ago off about 3-4 mgs a day. This time around represents about the 7th time trying to get clean. I deliberately took time off work and planned it. I realized in my last attempt I can't stay clean if I keep the same company and I don't fine a way to work a program. These forums are a life saver and I've read many of the threads over the attempts. So for me this is part of my "program".

    The words you all provide are inspiring and keep me focused.


    For those of you reading this and struggling, please know there is life in sobriety. One of my close friends is 12 years clean and sober and was taking 150mgs of oxys a day on top of drinking and other things. He is my inspiration and I know it's possible because of him.

    Oh and to let everyone know, I am trying my best to kick without anything other than lots of hot baths and water and over the counter meds. I am taking the approach that any additional substances will just keep my body rocked with poison. I know that seems drastic but it's the path I'm taking.

    Cheers to all and thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    eazzye is offline Member
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    you can do this man, you’re already ahead of me. i’m only on day 6. your physical symptoms should “supposedly” be stopping; although i know this is different for each and every person now. everyone on here has been so kind and supportive to me, i’m sure you’ll receive the same treatment. stay strong.
    - e

  3. #3
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Eayzze- thanks!

    Day 6 is a great start.

    You and I are basically in the same boat.

    Stay positive and let's help each other topple this thing!
    eazzye likes this.

  4. #4
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Last night woke up in cold sweats a few times. Took some NyQuil and an allergy pill and woke up at 8:30. blessed to get sleep. I've had plenty of occasions where I haven't. As all know, RLS sucks so badly. I kick myself to bed every night.

    I woke this morning and didn't feel like I had a foggy head for a change. Clear headed and feeling encouraged.
    I realize how fragile it is right now for me.

    Every day clean is one more day further from active addiction. Feeling grateful.

  5. #5
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey max. Don't think I've stopped in yet but I just wanted to say welcome and congratulations on what you've accomplished thus far. Subs are a bear for sure as you know. I see you've been down this road before so you know what you're in for. I gotta ask, what are you going to do differently so you can be done with them for good. Have you looked into face to face support? AA, NA, counseling therapy? We all think we can do this alone, but why should we have to when there is support out there to help.

    Sounds like you have a great outlook. Keep that!! It helped me so much during my detox, and stay active!! Get those endorphins moving!!! It helps.

    It is so much better without those nasty orange strips. I couldn't have asked for more. Keep on going, it only gets better!!!

    Happy new year!!
    Beef

  6. #6
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Bear-

    Thanks so much for caring enough to post so much encouragement on this site. You really are an inspiration to so many.

    You are touching on a very important question and a wise one. The other failed attempts all had an "I can do this alone" approach. I've asked myself that very question because I need to be held accountable. I had my best friend and cousin OD off some H we were both going to take. Craxy thing is that was New Year's Eve last year. I went to therapy for a while after he passed and told my family my whole addicted world. They all already knew but didn't want to push me to admit it. I have an incredible and amazing family (and most of all wife) that loves me enough to accept all my faults.

    When those around you start to die you know it wont be long before you are joining them.

    All I know is that I need face to face group meetings to help. I've tried meetings in the past and felt most of the members couldn't hold down a full time job. So the functioning addict in me somehow thought that because I could work my ass off and I was "better" somehow. What a crock of sh!t I told myself.

    I know this time around I need to have more accountability. Although as you know day 10 blows, I also know there's a path for me to get off this garbage and I CAN make it given the right circumstances.

    Your posts are very inspirational and I hope you are well mentally physically.
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  7. #7
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    That's good to hear. I think you saw my thread and read some of my journey. I stumbled here scared on day 11, and yes it does blow! Lol. Today I'm about 3.5 months clean and feeling great. I wasn't sure about meetings but I feel that I owe it to myself and my familh to see this through. First meeting I went to was a joke. But I'm gonna find one that's right for me. Everyone who I've read about says there's a huge benefit to meetings and I intend to find out. May take some time to find the right one but when you get there you'll know it. I have one I'm gonna try tomorrow night and I'm looking forward to it.

    Good to hear about your support system. Use them. My fiance and daughter have been there for me and without them and this site I'm sure I wouldn't be where I was today. It was rough to tell them I'm an addict but they gave me a hug and told me we'll get through it, I broke down and cried and couldn't believe how lucky I was to have them in my life.

    Keep your head up and a positive mindset!! You can do this!!

    Beef

  8. #8
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    That is a very touching post.
    Each time I've tried to quit, my emotions have been uncontrollable. I especially liked your post about watching a movie that made you break down.

    My friend who has been clean and sober 11 years said it is imperative to go to meetings.
    He calls what we do in early recovery with just us coping with acute withdrawal as "white knuckling". Meaning we all think we can do it alone just as we would walk ourselves without the help of another human.
    Like you, I tried the meeting route several times and it just didn't work. The people in them I didn't relate to at all.
    I mean no disrespect to them but I genuinely had nothing but addiction in common.

    Maybe being homeless gives greater perspective or shooting needles (ive not experienced either). For me, there is large stigma regarding addiction in my profession. It would probably amaze me if I knew just how many in my world actually used. We all keep these dirty secrets and sights like this seem to get the valve open.

    I am hoping that I can find what you are looking for in a good meeting.
    I think they are out there and I agree we must keep searching till we find the one that works for us.

    I applaud you for being so open and for your 3 1/2 months of being clean.
    It's inspiring to me and countless others.

  9. #9
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    And I'd also like to say I'm coming to terms that alcohol is really bad for me.

    Last time I thought I could still drink like I always did. I'm realizing that I can't and it just makes me really sad and depressed when I do drink.
    Anyone out there have anything to say on the subject?

  10. #10
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hello Max welcome to the forum I don't have enough time at the moment to go back through your thread. But I will go back as soon as I can catch up but wanted to chime in...alcohol for this Addict is a drug. For me any mind mood altering chemicals. Face to Face support will definitely benefit you will hold you accountable. Keep going til you find a home. An addict alone is bad company. Be well will catch up later when I can. again welcome to the forum..
    ***Stay Strong for Today***

  11. #11
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    I used to really love beer. Back in my 20's, then I found opiates. The last time I got drunk it took me 3 days to get over the hangover. Right then and there I decided that was it for me. It's nice to wake up and not feel like someone's playing the drums in your head. I'd say I've had maybe 3 drinks over the past 5 years. I just don't enjoy it anymore. Don't really like the feeling of not being in control of my body. But that's just me.

  12. #12
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Thank you both for responding.
    For me, alcohol only enhanced the opiate buzz. Loved loved mixing the two. I never drank a drop in high school. Had to learn how to drink in the military.

    However, alcohol alone just makes me super depressed.

    I do agree that alcohol is a drug and I need to come to terms with the fact that I can no longer consume it. It's not that big of a deal for me to put down as when i don't have opiates, by itself just makes everything worse.

    God I pray I can get off everything.

    Hope you both have a safe and happy new year .

  13. #13
    10years39days is offline Member
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    I really feel like Suboxone allowed me to stop drinking (and stop the pill addiction). After a few years on Sub, I just stopped drinking. Never had an urge since. I think once we are honest with ourself and addictions, we put ourselves in a better position to succeed.

  14. #14
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Couldn't agree more with the self honesty. Last night was rough. Laid in bed kicking a ton. I think I got 5 hours of on and off sleep. Given I've read some have had much less sleep I should be grateful. It's just hard to keep positive right now.

    Hope all had a very safe and peaceful transition to the new year.

  15. #15
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Also like to add that today is my last day off. I've spent the last 11 days basically lying in bed. I'm feeling rather anxious to go back to work although I know that is ten times better than lying in bed yet another day.

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    10years39days is offline Member
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    Hey Max! I went back to work around day 7, I think, and I was super anxious about the whole thing. It wasn’t that bad, and I continued to surprise myself.

    I’m assuming that nobody at work knows what you’re going through? If so, just try to keep busy and positive...take each minute, hour, and day at a time.

    I’ve come to realize that sitting and waiting hopelessly for all of this to end is not the way to go. I need to suffer and remember every second of this process.

  17. #17
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    I know that is right!

    Last time I jumped I NEVER wanted to forget the constant suffering. That is the one terrific thing about recovery is the pain of recalling day one experiences and how many more days the suffering exist.

    To the non- addict , they do not understand that the physical symptoms of withdrawal are always present during those first moments (at least that's been my experience). I just try to keep telling myself that the pain is temporary.

    And one day, I hope to be like so many others on here and hopefully I can be of some use to someone else that's suffering. But first things first, I've got to deal with my own monsters.

    Thank you all for reading and thank you for all the supportive words. They mean so much.
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  18. #18
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    I think all of us have our detoxes permanently engraved on our souls. We all vividly remember how each day, hour, and minute of our suffering made us feel. And going through that I'm sure in some way helps to shape us into the people we are today. Some people just can't understand what it's like to struggle with this disease. It's not as simple as "just stop doing this" or "you can't possibly be in that much pain, suck it up" If only it were that easy. Lol

    I'd c/t off oxy several times before I found subs and since I knew that it was a week or so I'd always go back to using. I just think I wasn't ready to be done with everything yet. It wasn't my time yet. I wasn't sick and tired of being sick and tired yet. (Thanks lvg, I like that one!) But the month and a half I struggled to be done with subs has changed me. Definately for the better! I have absolutely zero desire to ever go back to that way of life. Seeing how great everything is now, what I was doing wasn't living, not even sure what I would call it, just floating carelessly through the motions of everyday life oblivious to everything amazing that was going on around me.

    We all have our own monsters and demons we have to slay. Seems like that's how we got here. But it's a challenge I'm looking forward to. Lots of I don't want to say broken or burned bridges, but they're definately charred up a little. And once I'm ready I'll tackle those too.

    Just wanted to pop in and it seems like I rambled a bit. But just know you're doing great and I hope you have a great day and new year!!

    Beef

  19. #19
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Beef-

    You are by no means rambling!
    I am so damn appreciative of your insight and others as well. Even though I know it will take some time, it doesn't remove the mental anguish.

    You know, I feel so worthless and the appetite is totally non existent. I have been tying to get out of bed but I've spent the greatest majority of the last 11 days with my >>>> in bed watching more TV than I can stand. I want to get up but can't seem to get the energy.

    Does the appetite go away for most? Is this normal?

    I fee so lost and sad right now. Like the looming "rest of my life without being high" effect. Sorry for "poor me" right now but my brain won't let me heal today.

    As always thank you for reading this.

  20. #20
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    I know for me when I jumped I couldn't stomach any food for about a week and a half. It was protein shakes and ensure for this guy. And Imodium. I did the poor pitiful me thing too. Didn't ever want to get off the couch or out of bed. The only thingthat got me out was the fact I had to work. And believe me it helped so much!!! You gotta get up and get moving, I know it feels impossible wearing that lead suit. But do something, anything to get the endorphins moving. A walk to the mailbox felt like a 5k. But you have to do something besides laying there looking at the wall for hours at a time. It will drive you insane.

    Don't worry about the whining. We all did it. Just part of the process. Depression comes and goes, and you're right about where I was when it started. Just focus on the here and now. One at a time. I know for me the best supplement that helped me get back to normalcy was an amino acid. I took and am still taking dl-phenalynine. (Sp)?? But I know others have taken l-tyrosine, and l-theanine. They help to repair the brain from years of opiate abuse.

    Just keep putting one foot in front of the other boss. It will be over soon.
    Keep your head up!!
    Beef

  21. #21
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    And the life without drugs thing. I worried about that for a while too. Will I have the same personality? Will the family still love me? How do I define myself as a person without the garbage?
    Hogwash. Just wait till your senses start waking up. It's truly amazing. The first time I really noticed it I was driving to town and all the leaves were changing colors. It was beautiful!! I've lived up here for 6 years or so and it was like I was seeing it for the first time! (I know it's a little cliche, but it's true) Everything was brighter, better, more vibrant. A true awakening!! The drugs just numbed us to everything going on around us.

    It only gets better!!!
    You got this!!
    Beef

  22. #22
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Lead suit- I really like that. And it's true since I work in one of the few professions where wearing a suit is still the norm. I'll definitely be thinking about that tomorrow when I'm in the office.

    I know you are sooo right about everything seems better. I wish I could shake it.

    Hopefully watching my second favorite team (UK first then UGA) beat up on OK.

  23. #23
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    It's back to work for this guy. Went to bed at 10 PM last night and woke at 3:00 AM tossed and turned but finally fell back asleep at 4 and woke up feeling good at 6:30AM.

    Work is a little weird not being under the influence of subs. I hope I have the courage this time to stay clean.

    Still very little appetite has returned. Tried eating a granola bar and couldn't. Hoping my appetite returns soon.

    Cheers to you all and thank you.

  24. #24
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    [deleted - swearing]
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-02-2018 at 04:42 PM.

  25. #25
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Trying to remember why I'm doing this. Sorry if my pleas offend anyone

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    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    I hope the deleted post isn't an indication of how the day went. Hope your doing well max. Let us know. We're here for you!!

  27. #27
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Beef-

    Today was TOUGH. I had an attorney friend give me a favorite bottle of bourbon AND not 3 hours after I gave it to another conworker, my old dealer texted me and said I've got two. It was very very hard but I said NO! I cannot even believe I did that.

    Going back and reading your posts saved me from that bro. In all seriousness so much gratitude.
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  28. #28
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Congratulations!!!! Baby steps. Great job! That's a huge win. Don't let your guard down. The beast is always hungry. I know it feels brutal right now. But I promise it gets better! You can do this and you'll be so happy. Just tAke it a day at a time!!

    I'm really proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. Not many people could have done that!

    Beef

  29. #29
    Maxheadrum is offline Member
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    Thank you soo much for caring as deeply as you do. I don't even know what you look like but I wish I could hug all 6 -8 of you.

    It felt really really good to say no. Like it was a little of my old self taking charge and saying no.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 01-02-2018 at 06:03 PM.
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  30. #30
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Advanced Member
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    Feel that?? That big bear hug was for you buddy!!

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