Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 43
Like Tree54Likes
Been on 32 mg of suboxene for 2 and half years decided to taper off, scared and feel
  1. #1
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default Been on 32 mg of suboxene for 2 and half years decided to taper off, scared and feel

    So 2.5 years ago I meet a doctor who introduces me to the world of suboxene a miracle drug he referred to it as because not only would it curb my addiction problem, but treat me for pain management. So 3 doctors later and my 3 rd clinic in, being not my fault but theirs for getting closed down for some sort of fraud or trouble writing scripts..I wish I would of known more and educated myself better, on this drug. I don't only blame the doctors but myself. A few months ago I got sick, fatigued to death like barely able to hold my head up on a great day. I had blood work done per my request to see if I was OK because mind you the clinic I have been going to the last 2 years or close to I rarely ever see my doctor usually the nurse after I did my urnie test, she would walk in hand me my scripts and I was free to go. I now know most of the doctors in this line of business are frauds they don't care about you oh but they sure will pretend. when they called a couple weeks ago with my lab result the nurse wouldn't explain the problem to me she just said my kidneys showed signs of high toxin and left it there said to Google it.So either she didn't care or really probably didn't know. I did my own research and my kidneys are not functioning the way they should because of the high long term dose of suboxene. #1 this drug shouldn't be a long term used drug #2 any good practicing physician would of told me so and after I was stable my first year would of worked out a tapering plan for me.. I've had some trouble getting filled since the holidays and I know the clinic I'm going to has been having some issues, probably about to close..Either way I made a descion a few days ago that it is time to let this monkey on my back go. I've googled some tapering plans and saved them, been praying a lot, I'm of course scared like crazy cause this makes you feel so alone,but today I took my first dose on my tapering schedule of 12mg instead of 32mg .. I feel nervous and agitated but I'm hoping to successfully get off this drug.. To me its no better than the oxy and percoet they had me on for so many years and all the bad that came with that.. I have been without my meds before and been two weeks in the worst withdrawals of my life literally its not only physical with this but mental as well. I also have bipolar disorder and have attempted suicide 3 years ago in October I was in ICU on life support. The thing is I WANT TO LIVE I say that knowing how hard this is going to be being uneasy about the days ahead but deep down I know that this is a goal I can reach it is possible to wake up and not need or want any drug to get my day started...Help me with support and positive messages please, NO horror stories please I know the bad I do I've been in it every last part of any explanation I've seen on here for withdrawals I have been there ..I just want to know I'm not crazy and this can happen and I can do it...☺

  2. #2
    LifeSaver77 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    Posts
    77

    Default

    Welome, DM!

    Your story touched me - it's infuriating to hear about these schlock docs that write scripts with no interest in actual patient care.

    FWIW, you ARE doing the right thing and you WILL get clean. Just reading how committed you are to life and a sober one at that is inspiring. When you feel weak, go back and read what you wrote - it will help you stay on the straight, as you won't/can't give up on yourself this time.

    I've never been on subs, just long-term norcos, so I have no advice on that, but I am sure others with experience will chime in on tapering off subs.

    When you get ready to jump, I'll be here to help cushion you, though.

    Stay strong, and continue to take great care of yourself. You're on the right path, girl!
    DawnMarie81 likes this.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    123

    Default

    Hello Dawn Marie,

    Check out this thread it's the sticky at the top of the suboxone forum.

    https://www.drugs.com/forum/suboxone...apy-66109.html

    Your jump from 32 mg to 12 is pretty large. Over 50%. The suggested plan is 25% every 4-5 days or until you are stable at that dose. Can you just do that and drop to 24, then 18, then 13.5 etc etc. if you think you can make it with 12 then good for you. Just wanted to give you a read on what has worked for others. I hope Randy comes around, he is well versed on this taper. Stay strong, you can do this and we are here for you!

    RJ
    Randy35 likes this.

  4. #4
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Posts
    3,107

    Default

    Hello DawnMarie,

    It literally makes me sick when someone like you joins the forum and tells us your sub doctor has placed you on 32mgs of Suboxone a day and kept you on it for years. It's absolutely disgusting and should be a crime in my opinion. My wish is that these doctors have to themselves use high doses subs for years then attempt to get off. Bet they would have a much different attitude and respect for their patients. Then maybe they would understand more. Sorry you're in this mess.

    The good news is that you can indeed get off the subs and it doesn't have to be a horrible experience for you. The link to the sub plan that RJ (Tired of the Cycle) provided and spoke of has made success stories out of thousands of members here. Used it myself so I know it works. Read over the plan and familiarize yourself with it.

    Subs have a real long half life meaning they remain in your system between 24 and 72 hours. One single dose can stay in your system for days, even weeks depending on the dose. Because you've taken a MASSIVE amount of sub for 2+ years you have an extra large amount built up in your system. You could go without dosing for days and not feel a thing. But please don't do that. What you should do is exactly what you did and reduce your dose down rapidly and by a large amount to begin with. Dropping to 12mg per day is exactly what I would have suggested as the first step. So good job! If you think you feel wd's it's purely mental and your head messing with you I promise.

    You need to get the dose down further rather quickly to a respectible level and here's how I would proceed….Spend just 4 days on the 12 mg. If it's helps you could split your dose and take 6mg in the am and 6mg in the pm about 8 - 10 hours apart. On the 5th day you would reduce the dose down to 8mg per day. Spend 4 days on that dose then redcue down to 6mg per day on the 5th day. Repeat that same process and after spending 4 days on 6mg reduce down to 4mg per day. I realize some of the reductions aren't exactly 25%, but with the amount you have in your system you will be covered. You can split all the doses or take just 1 single dose. Whatever works best for you is ok.

    Once you're down to 4mg you should slow down the taper process to make sure you're comfortable and allow some of the half life to dissipate.. The taper needs to be slow and steady at this point. Once you're down to 4mg we'll talk more. I guarantee you can do this. Will it be easy, not necessarily, but I know you can handle it perfectly. This process works!

    Keep posting your thoughts and providing updates. Ask all the questions you have. I'll check back later to see how you're doing, and if you agree with the suggestions. Take care. It's gonna be ok I promise.

    Randy
    Iluv2smile and Ming23 like this.

  5. #5
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    Thanks guys the support is overwhelming really. Day 3 now and I know the 32 mg a day jump to 12 mg seems a little large but I should of mentioned not everyday did I take this because it made me feel bad at this high dose and even after telling the doctor he seemed to think it was fine. So I had already been taking 16 mg for a month on my own.I just had been contemplating this choice since the holidays because of not feeling good.I will keep you updated. I did calculate on a site a taper schedule to fit myself and have a plan.. THANK YOU ALL MORE THAN YOU KNOW.. I know I'm not alone anymore...
    Ming23 likes this.

  6. #6
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    Also I have been reading to educate myself on tapering. I will read this any little bit will help right now, I wish I just would have known before now but at least I'm doing it it has to start somewhere again any advice or reads I definitely will take it in thank you guys so much

  7. #7
    Gonnawin is offline Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    109

    Default

    Good luck Dawn. The people on this board are wonderfully compassionate and will help you through every step of this if you let them. You don't have to do it alone anymore!

  8. #8
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    So I'm doing OK I'm down to 4 mg a couple days have been hard agitation, getting angry easily, even at myself, cold sweats especially through the night.. This has been the hardest yet..I still am doing it just worried it won't get easier, please tell me it will, is this just my addict brain messing with me?
    Ming23 likes this.

  9. #9
    Ming23 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    2,086

    Default

    DawnMarie
    Hi!
    Randy's post pretty much covers the process. You can make it easier on your body if u drink a lot of water. Are u eating? How's sleep?
    You're down to 4 mg from 32mg, which is outstanding! I know it takes a great effort!
    Do your four day minimum, and drop to 3 mg if you feel little to no wd.
    Less is more with subs and you'll begin feeling better at lower doses.
    The head trip is another matter! We all went through it and this knowledge may comfort you in the dark times. The brain has been sedated for so long-it resists.
    Many folks started taking vitamins. I used a B Complex.
    I promise that the mood swings will pass as the subs leave the body. Hence, drink a ton of water!
    Hang in there! Posting helps! Here for ya!

  10. #10
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    OK I know I haven't said anything took my very last dose Saturday, and today which is Wednesday I am feeling my first intense withdrawals like skin crawling , cold sweats, bad head ache, super weak and of course upset stomach..I am drinking lots of water and vitamin water I want to try taking some kind of vitamins to help replinsh my bodies needs, also any advice to help with the feeling that I am so alone, and super depressed ugh I still do not want to give up even though in the last two days I've cried a lot and feel like I should gibe up I refuse to but I do want to live and not be miserable. every joint in my body hurts and I made the mistakebpf calling my doctors office just to help with the upset stimach and boy if I didn't learn a valuable lesson when you are in their favor doing as they want they are all about helping you, but if you decide enough is enough well then they treated me horribly , first by telling me they were told as a doctors office there are NO WITHDRALWS FOR SUBOXEBE OR SUBUTEX she said j could Google it..Wow I mean have they ever been in my shoes.. ok thanks for listening keep me updated on any good vitems beside the b6 I think I read.. I wanna be normal and free..Dawn
    Catrina likes this.

  11. #11
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DawnMarie81 View Post
    OK I know I haven't said anything took my very last dose Saturday, and today which is Wednesday I am feeling my first intense withdrawals like skin crawling , cold sweats, bad head ache, super weak and of course upset stomach..I am drinking lots of water and vitamin water I want to try taking some kind of vitamins to help replinsh my bodies needs, also any advice to help with the feeling that I am so alone, and super depressed ugh I still do not want to give up even though in the last two days I've cried a lot and feel like I should gibe up I refuse to but I do want to live and not be miserable. every joint in my body hurts and I made the mistakebpf calling my doctors office just to help with the upset stimach and boy if I didn't learn a valuable lesson when you are in their favor doing as they want they are all about helping you, but if you decide enough is enough well then they treated me horribly , first by telling me they were told as a doctors office there are NO WITHDRALWS FOR SUBOXEBE OR SUBUTEX she said j could Google it..Wow I mean have they ever been in my shoes.. ok thanks for listening keep me updated on any good vitems beside the b6 I think I read.. I wanna be normal and free..Dawn
    Dawn,

    You posted on 3/15 that you were down to 4mg and you jumped on Sunday? How much was your last dose? Do you have any left?

    Your doctor's office. NO clue! Unbelievable! I would Google it, print it and send that info to them. I'd like to put the entire bunch in that office on 8mg of sub per day for 2 months and then take them away. Then tell them those symptoms must be their imagination.

    Peace,

    Cat

  12. #12
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    My last dose was Sunday and no none left I ended up taking 2mg as my last dose I didn't feel any major withdrawal symptoms till now yesterday being the worst, today really bad..I haven't been out of my bed in days it feels ,I'm so weak and sick...I hate this is so much worse than I remember the oxy withdrawals being.I honestly feel like there are moments I'm loosing my mind, confusion and agitation are bad to. I just feel like this is never going to end.. I'm scared to death

  13. #13
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,706

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DawnMarie81 View Post
    My last dose was Sunday and no none left I ended up taking 2mg as my last dose I didn't feel any major withdrawal symptoms till now yesterday being the worst, today really bad..I haven't been out of my bed in days it feels ,I'm so weak and sick...I hate this is so much worse than I remember the oxy withdrawals being.I honestly feel like there are moments I'm loosing my mind, confusion and agitation are bad to. I just feel like this is never going to end.. I'm scared to death
    Dawn, I wanted to leave you a quick post while you wait for some others that have been helping you along to get back to you? I seriously feel for you. I wouldn't wish these awful withdrawals on my worst enemy! Is there any way you can get more subs? You have dropped too fast, too quickly and stopped too soon as you might have already figured out? I've been in and around these forums for a little while and can tell you that any advice from Randy or Cat will be most definitely the best advice there is regarding subs and detox! As far as to where to go from here if you can't obtain any more subs is beyond my knowledge? Hang in there the best you can, wait for advice from Randy, Cat or anyone else that can tell you how to proceed from here? Be strong and take care! Best wishes... God bless us all!

    P.S.
    Everything you are feeling is completely normal regarding your withdrawal symptoms! I remember all so well going through the detox process myself, I was so scared! All though I'm sure my detox was much more mild than yours I can assure you that it will get better!

  14. #14
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    I don't have anymore and I so wanted to just get through this own my own,but unfortunately yesterday I called my twisted doctors office back to ask for the withdrawal meds they offered me not knowing what in the world they would be and again getting super angry with the two bit nurse who once again told me they were told that there are NO WITHDRAWLS FROM SUBOXINE OR SUBUTEX.. Seriously all I could respond is would you like to make a house visit and see me right now, I'm a wife and a mom I haven't been out of the bed since Sunday evening after church..It was so bad yesterday I couldn't get out of bed till I got help to go pee which was after my husband got off work around 1pm.. The medicines they called in are klonodine and phenegrin,I'm pretty sure the klonodine has raised my blood pressure outrageously cause I am blacking out when I stand up and super dizzy.I did eat a little yesterday night some potatoes thank god, then slept all night until about 5:40 am got up actually and did the dishes, made coffee and drank some and sat on my porch and listened to it rain up until about 10:30am even had a conversation with my son which was affirming to me in my mind of why I am doing this,my ten year old son and my new husband I wanna live to see my son graduate and even have me grand babies..We all make mistakes using whatever reasons behind them my pill addiction yes was prescribed but I took them even when I knew I really wasn't hurting I just enjoyed the high and those couple years I can't hardly remember and that I have to live with, like my neice dying in the first year and I was so messed up when I flew home I was no help really to my only sister who had just lost her child , or to why my ex husband became an ex, I couldn't be strong for him in active duty air force and we divorced god the mistakes I have made but that is not why I'm here I believed suboxene was some miracle drug stayed on it for way to log without doing my research and ended up addicted to taking the very thing that I had hoped was a cure to my original problem which was stupid on my part ugh the mind of an addict..But okay sorry for the long drawn out post but I needed to just vent to someone I have been so mean to everyone except my son now just seeing his face changes my demenour I live him so much.. my husband has stayed away from me only bringing I'm vitamin waters and shutting the door so i have been literally stuck in my bedroom with the door shut , mostly sleeping I have tried so hard to sleep this mess away, yesterday was probably my worst day to date it was utterly physical but mental more and suffering from bipolar I have to be so very careful not to get in the wrong state of mind because I do get in manic spells and suicide seems so easy..But I did not I cried , had to smoke pot which its been forever for me but two hits and I felt more calm and made it .Now I'm on day 6 I'm alive hey hey I'm alive also wanted to say suboxene is not easliy found on the streets here mind you I drove two or more hours away to go to my doctor so not a lot of folks around here even know what it is.. I have had the poops a little and feels like my body temperature has hit 1 million a few times today but I'm sitting up and talking to my family without hateful words.
    I'm not saying by any means is it over but tomorrow I'm shooting for a walk with my son..Oh Yea my eyes have been dialating quite a bit which I'm guessing is normal but it drives me insane in bright light plus my concentration is off..I'll try my best to keep you posted..No turning back cause there is no way on this earth I want to or can do this to myself again , guys I can see the rainbow I'm almost at my end of physical I hope and I know mentally I have alot left to deal with but I'm hoping to start vitamins and my body can start being normal soon.

  15. #15
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Posts
    3,107

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DawnMarie81 View Post
    The medicines they called in are klonodine and phenegrin,I'm pretty sure the klonodine has raised my blood pressure outrageously cause I am blacking out when I stand up and super dizzy.

    DawnMarie,

    The Clonidine they called in does just the opposite of making your blood pressure rise, it lowers it. Clonidine is a blood pressure med that's often used off label for opiate wd's. And it does help, but you have to be real careful not too take too much or take it too often. It usually comes in 0.1 or 0.2mg doses. Whgen it lowers your blood pressure standing up quickly can have you off balance and give you that dizzy feeling. So be very careful with it.

    Getting more sub would help matters and allow you to taper down slowly. If that's not an option you'll have to continue to ride this out. Hard to say just how long the symptoms will hang around. Try some Imodium. It will help you with the "runs" and also help with your wd symptoms. Imodium is opiate - based and has been known to help ease wd symptoms. It won't cross the blood - brain barrier so it won't produce a high or euphoria. You might also ask this quack of a doctor for some Gabapentin. It can also help with your symptoms.

    Can't believe this IDIOT doctor/nurse say subs produce no wd's. They are CLUELESS!!!!

    Randy
    Ming23 likes this.

  16. #16
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    well I guess it is good to know they prescribed 3 pills a day take as needed no other directions, I didn't sleep much last night took over the counter sleep aid an it just backfired on me keep me awake and made my heart race.I did take immodioum to help and it did I later in bed till I couldn't anymore and just for up, I can't lay there and not sleep killing my joints everything aches enough without that to..OK so on day 7 and def a rough start not how I wanted it but oh well, its rather depressing really

  17. #17
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Hi Dawnmarie,

    I always found it less frustrating to just get up when I couldn't sleep too. It just makes it worse tossing and turning. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this but you've made it 7 days after jumping from what is considered by those who know sub the best (the people who actually have used it) a high dose. Randy, bless his heart, gave you what he always does--great advice. Treat the symptoms best you can and be careful of the clonidine. "Take as needed". What a bunch of bozos! What did you take as a sleep aid? Not sure that's what made things worse or not.

    I know benadryl helps some people sleep but does quite the opposite for me. It makes me drowsy but jittery and sends my heart racing at the same time. A pretty awful feeling in itself. I'm afraid that there wasn't much that really helped me to sleep but Melatonin and Sleepy Time Tea did help me relax a little making things a little more tolerable.

    I wish I had more advice for you but I don't. I can applaud you though for making it through 7 days. Each moment that passes is getting you a little closer to the end. I have watched as subs have helped so many get clean so I just wish that there was a better way to educate people BEFORE they even begin. I'm not a conspiracy theorist but I've yet to see anyone that has been given the information given here by their sub doctors. I really wish there was a way to show these sub doctors and convince them that what is shared here is far more valuable and true than what they've learned to become certified to prescribe subs in the first place.

    Keep posting and sharing multiple times a day. Are you reading and posting on other threads? That really helps. Just to know that there are others who are going through exactly what you are as well as those who have made it will help you to know that this will end. Connecting with these people will help you more than you know until you do it.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Randy35 likes this.

  18. #18
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    thank you I figure if I can make it through these with drawls I'm a champ, and def can never do this to myself again..It was an over the counter sleep aid just a store brand they usually work good for me, just not right now and atleast I know.. I have been reading lots of posts so it helps to remind me I'm not the only human on the planet dealing with this

  19. #19
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    I so just realized I said 2mg was my last dose typo on me it was4mg which now after reading so much today I know why its been so hard...Thanks guys I'm not giving up nor am I going to take anymore , might as well ride this ride till its over but I'll be the winner
    Ming23 likes this.

  20. #20
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    Hey I am on DAY 8 omgosh I can't even believe I said that.. I didn't think I would make it ,I slept last night without sleep aid or anything and I feel OK this morning.. Man oh man I know it may not mean a lot to many but myself but dang ride..I'm going to get through this demon, no thanks to the the ignorant doctors office I was going to ...I have read and reread so much on here the last couple days that and prayed and I'm here I even ate something which I was so enjoyed man I forgot how good food is lol..I'm 34 and thank the lord I will see my 35 birthday sober from all the mess I've been on for the last 10 years..thanks to the ones who keep encouraging me and responding I know its hard to hear the same story just a different person but you guys have been great help through some of my hardest moments this last week..Why oh why would anyone ever go through this mess more than once I can't understand but us addicts are wired different not wrong just different..I know its not over by any means but I'm just so happy to feel a little human today.. I'm sorry I can't help but think Jesus this is possible..
    Ming23 likes this.

  21. #21
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    I so wish some other person who has been in my shoes could hear the matter of fact smart way she said it that "We were told there are no WITHDRAWLS from subutex or suboxene" so I can't possibly be sick from just stopping.. Mind you I never met one person there who was inducted properly or was tapered off they have these poor folks believing so much different I was one of them, and I do feel for all of them cause eventually they will be were I am..

  22. #22
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    I know I'm posting a lot but it does help..I really can't believe how much.So yesterday I finally told my mom what was going on now mind you my dad is a major addict and has been as long as I can remember so she is not but she understands more than some. He is also on suboxene I introduced him because his pill habit was just so bad I wanted to help he hasn't been on it quite a year yet. So anyway my point she literally said I had gave up hope on you Dawn that you would ever be clean I mean really clean, said she had thought she had lost me like my dad unfortunately I think suboxene is only a crutch for him so he doesn't have to find drugs daily, he takes xanax and still pain pills occasionally and I know his insurance only agreeded to pay for this for a year which is actually this month April so I did speak with him about it but of course he knows it all..So whatever I gave in and stopped being an able body helping his addiction cause it messes with my problems.. My babu sister is a staff sergeant in the marine corps has been in for 11 years now, never was like me thank god she was more like mom pain is a mind of matter thing if I don't have to if I'm dying thing I don't need it..Man to have that strength anyway so mom says you proved me wrong Dawn, I'm so proud holy to the what I don't think I've ever heard these words from her in 34 years that is a first for me and it felt amazing..I own my own business bought and paid cash for home as a single mom raising a son of 9 years old and still have never heard it even being front page of our paper here in town for starting a nonprofit organization for families in need but all the while I was using underneath and she knew it..Just wanted to give myself a pat on the back today ...Mom is proud so I should be!!
    Gonnawin, Randy35 and Catrina like this.

  23. #23
    Randy35 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Posts
    3,107

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DawnMarie81 View Post
    I know I'm posting a lot but it does help..I really can't believe how much.So yesterday I finally told my mom what was going on now mind you my dad is a major addict and has been as long as I can remember so she is not but she understands more than some. He is also on suboxene I introduced him because his pill habit was just so bad I wanted to help he hasn't been on it quite a year yet. So anyway my point she literally said I had gave up hope on you Dawn that you would ever be clean I mean really clean, said she had thought she had lost me like my dad unfortunately I think suboxene is only a crutch for him so he doesn't have to find drugs daily, he takes xanax and still pain pills occasionally and I know his insurance only agreeded to pay for this for a year which is actually this month April so I did speak with him about it but of course he knows it all..So whatever I gave in and stopped being an able body helping his addiction cause it messes with my problems.. My babu sister is a staff sergeant in the marine corps has been in for 11 years now, never was like me thank god she was more like mom pain is a mind of matter thing if I don't have to if I'm dying thing I don't need it..Man to have that strength anyway so mom says you proved me wrong Dawn, I'm so proud holy to the what I don't think I've ever heard these words from her in 34 years that is a first for me and it felt amazing..I own my own business bought and paid cash for home as a single mom raising a son of 9 years old and still have never heard it even being front page of our paper here in town for starting a nonprofit organization for families in need but all the while I was using underneath and she knew it..Just wanted to give myself a pat on the back today ...Mom is proud so I should be!!

    You post all you want to post! It really does help. I can guarantee someone is always reading your posts!!!
    I'll check back later as I have to run for the moment.

    Randy
    Ming23 likes this.

  24. #24
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    Day 10 still here haha withdrawals.. How about that I even did some stuff I hadn't done a lot..This was something I really believed was impossible but I'm here.. I'm tired but I do know that it will take time.

  25. #25
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    Day 11 like I said I am a mom and my son started back at school yesterday so I had to get up and here I am again on Day 11 up about to wake my son for school and take him. I am having minor issues cold sweats are my biggest problem and when I lay down my body temperature goes up a lot it feels like . Its managble and I'm OK with it I think the very hardest thing for me is waking up and not taking something to get me feeling "good" and I'm trying to just rember a lot of people don't and I want to be one of them so I try to just go on with it.. thanks for reading if you are I'm going to try and get out of my PJs today lol I have been in them so much lately.. Its so pretty here and its spring and I really love plantig so today I may try. well have a good day all I'm going to try..
    Catrina likes this.

  26. #26
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DawnMarie81 View Post
    Day 11 like I said I am a mom and my son started back at school yesterday so I had to get up and here I am again on Day 11 up about to wake my son for school and take him. I am having minor issues cold sweats are my biggest problem and when I lay down my body temperature goes up a lot it feels like . Its managble and I'm OK with it I think the very hardest thing for me is waking up and not taking something to get me feeling "good" and I'm trying to just rember a lot of people don't and I want to be one of them so I try to just go on with it.. thanks for reading if you are I'm going to try and get out of my PJs today lol I have been in them so much lately.. Its so pretty here and its spring and I really love plantig so today I may try. well have a good day all I'm going to try..
    Dawnmarie,

    You truly are amazing. Not many people could do what you are doing. Gardening would be a great idea even if just for a short while. Some sunshine to give you a boost of vitamin D and a little physical activity will do wonders. Hope you find a little piece of joy today.

    Peace,

    Cat
    DawnMarie81 likes this.

  27. #27
    Lastchance186 is offline Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2015
    Posts
    118

    Default

    Hello DawnMarie

    You are awesome, I have read your story and you are and will be a inspiration to others... Just keep going and never look back...

    I am sorry to hear about your dad, I know it can be hard when addiction is in the family as well, as you said the first order of business is to self..

    Like when you are on a plane and you have to put on your mask on, you have to do yours before you can help anyone else with theirs...

    This is a fight for your life I realize this and I keep fighting every day for my life, as you know you are fighting for your sons life as well...

    For me I don't like the word try! that's just me... Why, because that gave me wiggle room to not do... Again that just me..

    Get out there dig up a little dirt.... and if you only plant one plant. That's a beginning every time you look at that plant....You will smile, it will give you the courage to plant another then another before you know it, your planting will be done.... It will take your mind off of what you are going through....

    I am 20 some days clean, I went cold turkey straight from the pill... I make myself do things, yesterday I did not want to do anything at all...

    I took the first step went to counseling then I knew I didn't have bread, milk water... My baby had spring break and he left my cupboards bare... I hate walmart.... I dreaded going oh my, I had anxiety just thinking about it....

    After I left counseling I went straight to walmart and shop for at least a hour and a half.... With a 8 year old, can i have this and can I have that... Thought I would lose it....But I didn't.....lol

    I even had the energy to go home cook some spaghetti, garlic bread and salad.... Help my 8 year old get ready for school....

    I was pooped afterwards but it felt good when I looked back...

    Music is my therapy as well when I turn it on and get to moving. I even found myself dancing, really.....lol

    I am so glad your mom gave you the support you need as positive energy, that gives you the strength to keep going.. Know someone as important as your mom is proud of you!

    I have sister myself and I look at them they seem to have it all together, just me I thought was the weakest link... They are neat and tidy... and they know how to budget and get things done.... Not me I always have to learn my lesson the hard way...

    Yesterday I was talking to my sister, she moved where I live, we live a long way away from our family.... When she came here she got herself really good job....A new car, and brought herself a nice home....

    Mind you I have a decent job, but I have the same old car that drove me here, I live in a tiny apartment... With a 8 year old and my fiance...

    She was telling me how miserable she is, with not having anyone to talk too... How I am so blessed to have a man and someone to help me.... She was very upset to say the least that her life is not where she wants it to be, she should have someone in her life that loves her.... I get that! She is a control freak and controls everything.... She has no addictions and she is very dedicated to her job or whatever she sets her mind too....

    I look at her like really, you think my life is so grand.... I am a addict, my life is in complete turmoil. I live in a tiny apartment, my car is not promise to start tomorrow and my job is always on the line.... But you envy me?

    I envy you!

    Just to say you never know what goes on even in the sanest person mine.... We all have one demon or another we would love to fight head on...

    At that moment when I hung up the phone I thanked God for the little I have, I will keep on moving along knowing he has a plan for me as well....

    But for today Dawn we are clean in 2016
    DawnMarie81 likes this.

  28. #28
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    today day12 Im miserable I hate even saying that after having any good days why today why suddenly am I depressed and my legs are restless no matter when I took my son to school I needed to move them driving even I'm grouchy and I don't even like me.this has been hard enough already I did so good the last couple days I don't understand this I'm sure some or most is the mental part and like I said I was diagnosed with bipolar and it doesn't help at all I'm just angry and mad at myself when I was brushing my teeth this morning I stopped looked in the mirror for what seemed like forever and realized for the longest time I've been an addict whether it was a doctor giving it to me or buying it off the streets I don't know who i am anymore but right now I'm hating this women I see and when did I get 35 almost I've wasted a life that god gave me I can't remember so much..I'm miserable today I'm sorry to sound so glum I don't have anyone to talk to around me I feel so depressed today I just wanna end the bull >>>> I'm feeling bad and just want to scream and cuss and I have everyone except my redheaded baby boy who is ten and way back when I had decided I was doing this I explained to him it would be bad some he always came in and would say best mom ever you OK and I would tell him trying love today I feel suicidal maybe even I been thinking all sorts of mess ..

  29. #29
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    5,146

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by DawnMarie81 View Post
    today day12 Im miserable I hate even saying that after having any good days why today why suddenly am I depressed and my legs are restless no matter when I took my son to school I needed to move them driving even I'm grouchy and I don't even like me.this has been hard enough already I did so good the last couple days I don't understand this I'm sure some or most is the mental part and like I said I was diagnosed with bipolar and it doesn't help at all I'm just angry and mad at myself when I was brushing my teeth this morning I stopped looked in the mirror for what seemed like forever and realized for the longest time I've been an addict whether it was a doctor giving it to me or buying it off the streets I don't know who i am anymore but right now I'm hating this women I see and when did I get 35 almost I've wasted a life that god gave me I can't remember so much..I'm miserable today I'm sorry to sound so glum I don't have anyone to talk to around me I feel so depressed today I just wanna end the bull >>>> I'm feeling bad and just want to scream and cuss and I have everyone except my redheaded baby boy who is ten and way back when I had decided I was doing this I explained to him it would be bad some he always came in and would say best mom ever you OK and I would tell him trying love today I feel suicidal maybe even I been thinking all sorts of mess ..
    Dawn,

    Oy what a day. I'm sorry! How hard this must be for you and I wish I could reach through my screen and hug you right now. I also wish I had something brilliant to say that would make you feel better. No brilliance here.

    Growing up, my family was the picture of dysfunctional. What's new? Probably most of us can say that. Whatever. I'm mostly over that now. I got married young and had my babies young too. For some medical stuff and other reasons that don't even matter right now, I began to abuse opiates when I was around your age. I had truly given up on life in general and began to live life walking through the motions feeling like I really had no choice. I had two kids that I was raising by myself being newly divorced and my ex became entirely absent. I was 35 and for whatever reason, I felt like I'd been so busy with responsibilities that I missed out on living and it was too late to do anything about it. Then I turned 45 and I was telling myself that I was too old to find a new relationship or to live my life any differently. Then I was 55 and had spent almost the entire past 20 years being addicted to pills. The one thing I did change was I got clean.

    One day I was having one of those days and thinking about and wondering how did I arrive at this place? I was 55 and I've been so busy that I forgot to live my life. I began thinking about what I'd have done differently if I was 35 again. Finally, FINALLY, the very next thought I had was that if I'm lucky enough to be alive when I'm 70, I'd be wondering what I might have done differently when I was only 55.

    So, I'm not going to reassure you or try to make you feel better by saying, "You're so young! You're only 35. You have your whole life in front you,." Instead, I'm going to say, "I'm so young. I'm only 62. I have my whole life in front of me." I've somehow learned that I'm the only one in charge of my life so it's my responsibility to make it what I want it to be. I'm not a millionaire and my car is 7 years old and not paid off yet I have no one to clean the toilet for me but I don't envy anyone who has more material stuff than I do. If I want more "stuff" I'll work more hours. I can't change what I look like but I can change the way I look at things. I don't have a love interest and I don't need one. I nurture my friendships, take pride in my career, and over indulge my kids and grandkids. If I'm unhappy with me or something in my life, I take the time to figure out if there's something I can do about it. I avoid negative people and always try to do the right thing. My goal is to live my life in peace. To go to bed at night and know that I haven't hurt anyone today and I did the best I could do for today. I intend to live the remainder of my life without regret. Exactly how do you do that? I forgive myself. Sometimes it's easier than other times but I forgive myself.

    I'm sorry if my sunshine and rainbows today has you sticking your tongue out at me. I don't for a minute want you to think I take any of this for granted. It often times takes a lot of work to forgive myself but I know that I want to so I'm willing to do it. We all have to find a way to find peace whatever that means to us. The only thing we can be sure of is that we will have to live with ourselves for the rest of our lives. Everything else is temporary.

    You're an amazing woman. I know that without ever having laid eyes on you. Now I want you to know that. Find just one thing that you like about yourself today. Just one! You are still clean. There's one. You love your son and he loves you. These are some of the important things

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Anonymous; 04-06-2016 at 12:57 PM.
    DawnMarie81 likes this.

  30. #30
    DawnMarie81 is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    32

    Default

    Thank you Cat I'm glad that you decided to get clean, I've read many posts where you helped so many so I know your an amazing women..I'm not mad or sticking my tounge out at your rainbows and sunshine . I'm glad I started this post, cause I can't find one person I've ever known in my life who has did what I'm doing or anyone who faintly gets it.So without you guys I've been on my own I know gods here but I'm begining to believe he may not be . I knew this way going to be hard and in the back of my mind I feared getting down and out I think I tried not to but something happen in my sleep I woke up tasting suboxene then I just well you know down hill kinda day is all,.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 202
    Last Post: 01-04-2017, 03:09 PM
  2. 18 years old and scared. Please help.
    By Sterling98 in forum Prescription Drug Addiction
    Replies: 72
    Last Post: 04-28-2016, 12:27 PM
  3. Need help through w/d, I'm scared and feel alone
    By lovtruharm in forum Need to Talk?
    Replies: 133
    Last Post: 04-09-2016, 08:13 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22