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CODEINE :( how did this happen?
  1. #1
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Default CODEINE :( how did this happen?

    Hi, I had a thread previously on here but I can't seem to find it and anyway things are not that great so it's probably better for me to just start a new one.
    I know there are loads of threads on codeine addiction and I was going to post on one of them instead but I don't want to hijack someone else's thread.

    I've been in denial about this for months but I have to admit it: I'm addicted to codeine I saw it coming but didn't stop myself because I feel I need it to help cope with my depression that I face every day and the crippling anxiety every single night.

    I get it prescribed for a couple of reasons and I'm not due to get a new script for a week and a half, I just checked how many are left and I prob only have enough for the next 3 days!

    I just don't know what I'm going to do, I normally take my first 2 around 8am but I waited til 11 today and was already getting stomach ache, restless legs and a headache.

    Can anyone advise me on anything at all? I don't feel ready to say goodbye to them yet, they make most days bearable and I fear never feeling that 'buzz' ever again.

    Oh I take approx 180-240mg daily, pure codeine phosphate.

    Thank you <3

  2. #2
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Welcome,

    Most of us here have found ourselves in the same spot as you. Seeing that prescription bottle dwindle long before it should sends our anxiety to the moon and we begin to think about stopping. It's always at this time that we are counting the days until we can refill and grow tired of the chase. I know it would send me where ever I needed to go to fill in until I got my own, I hated it and it got me thinking about quitting. Then the refill would be ready and another round of that craziness would start all over again.

    Have you read around some threads here? That's what inspired me to just quit cold turkey. For the very first time I really wanted to be clean and I was excited instead of dreading it. That was over 6 1/2 years ago after almost 20 years of abusing. From your post, you don't sound excited or ready. No criticism here. Believe me. Oh I detoxed more times than I can remember but for all the wrong reasons. My script was out and my sources were dry. I'd always think, OK I'll just do this and be done. Wrong. Even after detoxing and staying clean for anywhere from a week to a few months, as soon as my greedy little hands could get something, I was back on for the ride. Until the next time.

    Read around here. I hope that something will inspire you too. Chasing pills and facing detox every month is no way to live. They do become our best friend and lover and we loathe to give that up. When you do, after a bit of mourning, you'll realize you ended a very bad relationship.

    Let us know how we can help. I know you're thinking about it or you wouldn't be here. Right?

    Peace,

    Cat

  3. #3
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Hi Cat, thanks so much for replying. I like the idea of comparing all this to a bad relationship, that's exactly what it's like. And while we're stuck right in the fog of it we believe we can't be without 'them' and that they are part of us.

    You're so right, I'm not excited OR ready to quit but I wish I was. So I guess me posting on here was trying to edge towards being in that place where I do feel ready. I've told myself that this next script in 10 days will be my last and that I'll find a way to stop then.

    Yes I've read a few threads, I'm in awe of everyone who has beaten dependency and addiction and do find it inspiring. You did amazingly as well to stop after 20 years, I can't imagine how tough that was.

    Would you say going cold turkey is better than gradually reducing? I guess as well I can't remember what I was like before I started taking codeine so I don't see why I should stop...its hard to explain, it's as though because it's given willingly to me, I have a 'right' to take it so what's in it for me if I give it up?

    I'll keep reading other threads and then when I do stop in a few weeks will post on here as I'm sure I'll need support of people who have been through this, there is no one in RL I can tell about this

  4. #4
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by CarriesManolos View Post
    Hi Cat, thanks so much for replying. I like the idea of comparing all this to a bad relationship, that's exactly what it's like. And while we're stuck right in the fog of it we believe we can't be without 'them' and that they are part of us.

    You're so right, I'm not excited OR ready to quit but I wish I was. So I guess me posting on here was trying to edge towards being in that place where I do feel ready. I've told myself that this next script in 10 days will be my last and that I'll find a way to stop then.

    Yes I've read a few threads, I'm in awe of everyone who has beaten dependency and addiction and do find it inspiring. You did amazingly as well to stop after 20 years, I can't imagine how tough that was.

    Would you say going cold turkey is better than gradually reducing? I guess as well I can't remember what I was like before I started taking codeine so I don't see why I should stop...its hard to explain, it's as though because it's given willingly to me, I have a 'right' to take it so what's in it for me if I give it up?

    I'll keep reading other threads and then when I do stop in a few weeks will post on here as I'm sure I'll need support of people who have been through this, there is no one in RL I can tell about this
    Ya know. Once I was ready, it wasn't all that tough. I tried to taper but it was always a disaster. Trying to cut back just caused more anxiety and instead of reducing, I'd gobble them and tell myself that it wasn't working so I'd just use what I had and then just stop. Eventually I knew that the only way I was going to be done was to just stop for good. It feels like a bad case of the flu for 5 days and then the acute symptoms are over and your recovery will begin. It takes commitment for sure. The reason, as I explain it, is that although the physical symptoms aren't fun, we know in our addict brain that we could end the discomfort with a pill. That thought looms above us working on our minds to just get a bit of relief. I had to look at it like the war of the worlds that I was determined to win. Pills were my nemesis so I found some back bone and a strong sense of stubbornness that refused to lose. Not this time.

    I hope you see this post. Please don't leave just because you feel you aren't ready. I lurked and read for weeks and weeks before I quit and then finally posted. You'll find support as you travel this journey even before you do quit. It won't matter if you have an endless supply. It won't matter if you are given them freely. The reward is freedom! No more counting. Never having to worry about withdrawal symptoms when you run short. Being able to go away without having to be sure you have enough. Not having pills on your mind as you open your eyes in the morning. Not carrying them with you where ever you go. Freedom.

    Recovery is a process of getting to know yourself again. Some of it isn't fun but some of it is. Even the small things become a triumph. It's an amazing journey of self discovery.

    Peace,

    Cat

  5. #5
    Smilingstorm is offline Senior Member
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    "I hope you see this post. Please don't leave just because you feel you aren't ready. I lurked and read for weeks and weeks before I quit and then finally posted. You'll find support as you travel this journey even before you do quit. It won't matter if you have an endless supply. It won't matter if you are given them freely. The reward is freedom! No more counting. Never having to worry about withdrawal symptoms when you run short. Being able to go away without having to be sure you have enough. Not having pills on your mind as you open your eyes in the morning. Not carrying them with you where ever you go. Freedom.

    Recovery is a process of getting to know yourself again. Some of it isn't fun but some of it is. Even the small things become a triumph. It's an amazing journey of self discovery.

    Peace,

    Cat"


    I love this so very much!

  6. #6
    Smilingstorm is offline Senior Member
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    Dear Carries,

    Welcome to the boards! We have a few going through codeine WD right this very moment over on the forum "Need to Talk".
    Perhaps read a bit and let us know what you think!

    I'm day 15! It wasn't easy but by far much more manageable than what I had imagined in my head. Cat is right in so many ways. It's been so freeing. Crying as I type. I am so thankful to have said no more. You too can do the same! We will help! Sincerely, Stormy

  7. #7
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Ya know. Once I was ready, it wasn't all that tough. I tried to taper but it was always a disaster. Trying to cut back just caused more anxiety and instead of reducing, I'd gobble them and tell myself that it wasn't working so I'd just use what I had and then just stop. Eventually I knew that the only way I was going to be done was to just stop for good. It feels like a bad case of the flu for 5 days and then the acute symptoms are over and your recovery will begin. It takes commitment for sure. The reason, as I explain it, is that although the physical symptoms aren't fun, we know in our addict brain that we could end the discomfort with a pill. That thought looms above us working on our minds to just get a bit of relief. I had to look at it like the war of the worlds that I was determined to win. Pills were my nemesis so I found some back bone and a strong sense of stubbornness that refused to lose. Not this time.

    I hope you see this post. Please don't leave just because you feel you aren't ready. I lurked and read for weeks and weeks before I quit and then finally posted. You'll find support as you travel this journey even before you do quit. It won't matter if you have an endless supply. It won't matter if you are given them freely. The reward is freedom! No more counting. Never having to worry about withdrawal symptoms when you run short. Being able to go away without having to be sure you have enough. Not having pills on your mind as you open your eyes in the morning. Not carrying them with you where ever you go. Freedom.

    Recovery is a process of getting to know yourself again. Some of it isn't fun but some of it is. Even the small things become a triumph. It's an amazing journey of self discovery.

    Peace,

    Cat
    What an amazing, inspiring post. Thank you Cat for being so honest and sharing what it feels like, I'm grateful to speak to other people who know what it's like. All those things you mentioned I relate to so much, the counting, the carrying them everywhere 'just in case', the waking up and looking forward to taking them but then feeling guilty.

    Plus having to mention them to the Dr and feeling like I'm asking for something really forbidden and dark and seeing by the look on her face that she has no idea how much I NEED them and she just casually hands over the prescription.

    I think you're right that cold turkey is a better way, I've tried tapering a few times and its exactly as you describe, I just end it by taking some and then hate myself. And while tapering I can feel the withdrawals happening already just from having less, so it's like why bother having them then if I can't enjoy them?

    I like the idea of self discovery, its not always pretty, but necessary. I'll def stick around here and keep reading. Thank you Cat

  8. #8
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smilingstorm View Post
    Dear Carries,

    Welcome to the boards! We have a few going through codeine WD right this very moment over on the forum "Need to Talk".
    Perhaps read a bit and let us know what you think!

    I'm day 15! It wasn't easy but by far much more manageable than what I had imagined in my head. Cat is right in so many ways. It's been so freeing. Crying as I type. I am so thankful to have said no more. You too can do the same! We will help! Sincerely, Stormy
    Hi Stormy, I'm so grateful for your reply! It really helps me feel less alone in all this. I've read a few of the threads but am going to have another look over the next few days.

    Massive well done to you, day 15 is amazing!!! Your post is so moving, knowing it makes you cry it sounds such an emotional thing to go through. It's scary but the pay off is worth it I guess (and hope).

    How did you know when you felt it was time to quit? I don't know when or if I'll get there and that worries me

  9. #9
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Carrie,

    I suggest you spend every free moment reading entire threads. All these people who have found sobriety (including me!) felt the same way as you did. I found this Forum looking for an easy way to detox. I didn't find one. Thread after thread, night after night I'd read. The more I read, the more I understood what I needed to do and the more I wanted it for myself.

    You'll know when you're ready. You're scared. We all were. Somewhere along the way, I became excited. Could this be it? Can I really do this after so many failures? Could I live the rest of my life without pills? Gradually I became excited and wanted to try. I mean really try. Not because I was out of pills and most certainly not because my family wanted me to get clean (how sad is that?). I was tired. I hated going to the doctor too to get my new script. I HATED going to the pharmacy just imagining what they would say about me when I left. Mostly, I hated what I had become. My self esteem was in the gutter. I avoided looking people in the eye. I had quite simply given up on myself.

    Read, read, read. You'll connect with many at some level. When you begin to wish for your own sobriety more than anything, you'll be ready. There are many here who will support you and tell you exactly what to expect and when. The detox process is very predictable.

    You'll get there.

    Peace,

    Cat

  10. #10
    Tucker63 is offline Banned
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    This was my life...fill a prescription of Tylenol 3, go through it in half the time that I should have, buy Tylenol 1 to get me through to the next prescription. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I ended my relationship with my doctor which was hard because he is kind and a wonderful doctor. I knew I had to because if I had access I would never stop. I tried weening and did successfully for a while and then decided that's it; I'm either doing this or I'm not. I found a new doctor and got a prescription for a non narcotic pain reliever as I do have real pain. I just wanted off the merry go round and figured there has to be a better way. I haven't been off co olé felt for long; only a few days but at least it's a few days. Codeine is worsening your depression not improving it. There are other ways to cope: exercise, keeping busy, find a hobby you really enjoy. People drink for the same reason; they think it's a way to cope. It's not. I feel for you; I really do. I was on that cycle for a lot of years. I guess the bottom line is, you either want to stop or you don't. If you do, your determination will help to carry you through. Think of it as a challenge. A challenge you can beat. Don't let a little pill beat you. You can do this but you have to decide you're gonna do it. Do I still crave them? Yup! But I'm bigger than a little white pill. Best of luck to you.

  11. #11
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Carrie,

    I suggest you spend every free moment reading entire threads. All these people who have found sobriety (including me!) felt the same way as you did. I found this Forum looking for an easy way to detox. I didn't find one. Thread after thread, night after night I'd read. The more I read, the more I understood what I needed to do and the more I wanted it for myself.

    You'll know when you're ready. You're scared. We all were. Somewhere along the way, I became excited. Could this be it? Can I really do this after so many failures? Could I live the rest of my life without pills? Gradually I became excited and wanted to try. I mean really try. Not because I was out of pills and most certainly not because my family wanted me to get clean (how sad is that?). I was tired. I hated going to the doctor too to get my new script. I HATED going to the pharmacy just imagining what they would say about me when I left. Mostly, I hated what I had become. My self esteem was in the gutter. I avoided looking people in the eye. I had quite simply given up on myself.

    Read, read, read. You'll connect with many at some level. When you begin to wish for your own sobriety more than anything, you'll be ready. There are many here who will support you and tell you exactly what to expect and when. The detox process is very predictable.

    You'll get there.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Thanks Cat, you seem so wise and level headed. I really admire anyone who has beaten addiction of any kind as I know what addiction feels like. Me giving up smoking was a huge thing for me to be able to do and I'm STILL addicted to nicotine replacement products! Not sure how to beat that one. But what I'm saying is I have a lot of respect for anyone who tackles their addictions.

    I will keep reading, I know there are many inspiring stories on here and it's very helpful to read about the detox process - like you say it's predicable and there do seem to be a pattern of symptoms so I know what to expect and have experienced them already from tapering and times when I run out before the new script and have to take OTC.

  12. #12
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tucker63 View Post
    This was my life...fill a prescription of Tylenol 3, go through it in half the time that I should have, buy Tylenol 1 to get me through to the next prescription. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I ended my relationship with my doctor which was hard because he is kind and a wonderful doctor. I knew I had to because if I had access I would never stop. I tried weening and did successfully for a while and then decided that's it; I'm either doing this or I'm not. I found a new doctor and got a prescription for a non narcotic pain reliever as I do have real pain. I just wanted off the merry go round and figured there has to be a better way. I haven't been off co olé felt for long; only a few days but at least it's a few days. Codeine is worsening your depression not improving it. There are other ways to cope: exercise, keeping busy, find a hobby you really enjoy. People drink for the same reason; they think it's a way to cope. It's not. I feel for you; I really do. I was on that cycle for a lot of years. I guess the bottom line is, you either want to stop or you don't. If you do, your determination will help to carry you through. Think of it as a challenge. A challenge you can beat. Don't let a little pill beat you. You can do this but you have to decide you're gonna do it. Do I still crave them? Yup! But I'm bigger than a little white pill. Best of luck to you.

    Hi Tucker, I read your thread yesterday! You're doing so well, days is a long time to be without codeine so I am inspired by your story. Thanks for the supportive words, it all makes sense, especially about how you have to want to stop. Can I ask how they make my depression worse? As it feels like it's getting me through if anything. Is it in the way that alcohol as you mention, is used to help some people cope but ultimately it causes more problems than it solves?

  13. #13
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Good Morning Carrie,

    The way in which an opiate works is that they produce and fill your brain receptors will artificial chemicals that act the same way as your own natural chemicals that combat pain and produce "feel good" chemicals. When we take opiates for too long (and too long isn't that long at all) our brains do two things. The first is that they stop producing their own chemicals like endorphins and begin to produce additional brain receptors to accommodate the flood of the artificial chemicals (opiates). This explains why our tolerance to opiates escalate. There are now more receptors to fill and those receptors are demanding to be filled and our brains are telling us it needs more and more to satisfy its need. When we reduce (taper) the symptoms aren't as severe because at least some of those receptors are being filled but some are not. If we go cold turkey, every receptor is screaming to be filled and it takes a bit of time for our brains to recognize that it's time to wake up and do its job by producing those chemicals again.

    The human body is an amazing thing. Our brains and bodies will heal from addiction and we will begin to produce the chemicals we need to feel right again. It just takes some time of abstinence for the healing to begin. Exercise, laughter, anything that feels good will help to produce those chemicals. If you think about it, opiates numb everything. The pain AND the emotions. Until we're clean and feel the effects of being clean, I don't think we realize just how numb we are. We don't feel pain as severely (both physical and mental) but we don't feel the joy either. Being clean has so many advantages. When was the last time you laughed. I mean really laughed. The kind of laughter that makes your belly and face hurt with tears running down your face?

    If you have legitimate pain like many of us do, once you are clean you will discover that ordinary over the counter stuff like Motrin or Excedrin very often take care of things. I didn't believe that at first but it's true! We don't even recognize it at first because we associate the buzz with pain relief. If we just take a minute we do realize that the pain that had us taking a couple of Motrin really did diminish. It's a matter of separating the two and at first that's hard to do. We become too used to feeling the buzz associated with pain relief. All a part of the habit.

    I see you've been around here reading. That's where I started too.

    Peace,

    Cat

  14. #14
    Catrina is offline Diamond Member
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    Sorry. I got off and running there. I intended to answer your question about how opiates make your depression worse. In a very round about manner, I was trying to explain that opiates shut down our brains from manufacturing the feel good chemicals and that in itself makes your depression worse. Until you're clean for a bit, it will be difficult for both you and your doctor to determine if you need an antidepressant. Maybe you will but maybe you won't. Being able to feel both the bad emotions and the good emotions will go a long way. I know I had to search for the people and things that make me happy. Am I always happy? Of course not. But the times I'm joyful are worth every chitty day I have.

    Peace,

    Cat

  15. #15
    GelatoinItaly is offline New Member
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    If I was able to articulate into words my experience, I could have written this. Well said.

  16. #16
    Smilingstorm is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Catrina View Post
    Good Morning Carrie,

    The way in which an opiate works is that they produce and fill your brain receptors will artificial chemicals that act the same way as your own natural chemicals that combat pain and produce "feel good" chemicals. When we take opiates for too long (and too long isn't that long at all) our brains do two things. The first is that they stop producing their own chemicals like endorphins and begin to produce additional brain receptors to accommodate the flood of the artificial chemicals (opiates). This explains why our tolerance to opiates escalate. There are now more receptors to fill and those receptors are demanding to be filled and our brains are telling us it needs more and more to satisfy its need. When we reduce (taper) the symptoms aren't as severe because at least some of those receptors are being filled but some are not. If we go cold turkey, every receptor is screaming to be filled and it takes a bit of time for our brains to recognize that it's time to wake up and do its job by producing those chemicals again.

    The human body is an amazing thing. Our brains and bodies will heal from addiction and we will begin to produce the chemicals we need to feel right again. It just takes some time of abstinence for the healing to begin. Exercise, laughter, anything that feels good will help to produce those chemicals. If you think about it, opiates numb everything. The pain AND the emotions. Until we're clean and feel the effects of being clean, I don't think we realize just how numb we are. We don't feel pain as severely (both physical and mental) but we don't feel the joy either. Being clean has so many advantages. When was the last time you laughed. I mean really laughed. The kind of laughter that makes your belly and face hurt with tears running down your face?

    If you have legitimate pain like many of us do, once you are clean you will discover that ordinary over the counter stuff like Motrin or Excedrin very often take care of things. I didn't believe that at first but it's true! We don't even recognize it at first because we associate the buzz with pain relief. If we just take a minute we do realize that the pain that had us taking a couple of Motrin really did diminish. It's a matter of separating the two and at first that's hard to do. We become too used to feeling the buzz associated with pain relief. All a part of the habit.

    I see you've been around here reading. That's where I started too.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Again, I love this so much. Cat nails it each time. I can't even articulate how right she is. It seems so far fetched. But I'm day 16 and honestly can see what Cat has said. In only two weeks, the difference in me.. I am so present. I am laughing. Crying. I actually have had dreams about sex. I have been sitting longer with my son to play a game, read a book. I actually can go to the grocery store and shop without being angst. The WD stinks. But it lasts pretty shortly. What you gain is beyond imagination. Yes, I still have debt, pain and depression. But feeling the effects and dealing with it is better than numbing and avoiding and ignoring through pills.

    Yes I have been in pain. But amazingly that bottle of Advil is just as effective as that opiate pill. That walk around the block to keep busy actually helped me be in less pain because I was moving.

    I can't really explain it. I still have bathroom and sleep stuff going on. But the fog being lifted and me being present has been so worth every sleepless night.

    You can do it! You can. We will help.
    Last edited by Anonymous; 07-04-2016 at 08:09 PM.

  17. #17
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Hi, thanks so much for the last few replies, I'm sorry I'm only just responding. I've had a very tough few days, physically and mentally. Thank you Cat for explaining that all so clearly to me, I really relate to all you're saying and yes I do feel numb very often, and I do take codeine in the hope of feeling numb some days, because numbness has to be better than feeling like I'm screaming from the inside of my soul surely?..

    I see what you're saying about the receptors, do they definitely recover? As my fear now is that mine won't for some reason and I'll never feel good again! It's so warped, I look at people I know who seem to be having such a good time, so genuinely 'high' on life and I actually think to myself: "How the hell can you be this happy without codeine?"
    As it doesn't feel possible anymore.

    Smilingstorm, you mentioned about sex dreams, this is a genuine question - does codeine diminish your sex drive? As mine is pretty much non existent now. I haven't googled as I try not to read too much about codeine in case it scares me, I did at first when I started taking it but that was a while ago.

    I can't even imagine having sexual feelings anymore

    I also suffer from migraines, and whilst the codeine helps me deal with the symptoms I've seen a neurologist who pretty much told me off for taking it and said that will be making them worse. I do believe him, and at the same time I was panicked when he said to just stop taking them as I knew that would be too hard for me.

    I've had some very bad migraines over the past week, and I have started to feel angry towards my codeine, I resent having to take it, but I love it too. I've been taking OTC in between the odd 30mg to make them last and I have a GP appointment weds and fully expect a new prescription. I've made a definite decision that this will be the last one, I wish I could say not to have anymore as from now, but I don't want to just yet.

    But at the same time I am feeling more ready to quit than when I first made this post, so something is shifting in me.

    Thanks for all your words of encouragement and support, I am so grateful!

  18. #18
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Oh and just to say Smilingstorm, your post is incredibly inspiring!

  19. #19
    Smilingstorm is offline Senior Member
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    Hi! So sorry to hear about your migraines. I do know there are some awesome alternatives for migraines right now. I'm 43.. So the Botox one would serve dual purposes. not making light just kind of a cool benefit to Botox for migraines.

    You seem very open and ready. Not sure why you will be getting more. But it is what it is. Yes, your body does recover. The receptors (for me) are already being instigated. I am not artistic but I can paint. Haven't touched canvas in three years. Today I thought of painting.

    Sex was pretty much non existent (by choice) for me the last two years. It's bizarre because I always had a healthy appetite. It slowly dissipated into nothing. Very common with opiate pills.
    The dreams have been pretty fabulous! Lol. Very dramatic and out there. It's like my brain is practicing imagining or living again as I try to sleep. I do assume this is all part of the body and receptors healing and starting back up. Not sure the terminology.

    You have many of us here to support you! I look forward to hearing more!

  20. #20
    CarriesManolos is offline New Member
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    Smilingstorm, hi! I have been trying to write this reply for about 8 hours now It's been one thing after another all day and I now finally have 5 minutes to myself to be able to write something!

    Re the botox, I have heard of this and would definitely be happy to try it if it would help. I need to bring it up at my next doctors appointment, the problem is I have so many issues I need to cover in each appointment and they don't like you reeling off a whole list of things - not sure where you are but I'm in the UK and while I'm incredibly grateful for the NHS, there is severe pressure in the GP sector and we get 7-10 minutes at my surgery. The doctor I normally see is pretty much waiting for me to leave from the moment I walk through the door and as I have anxiety I panic and forget everything! But I will try to remember to talk about migraines next time. I'm due back at a neurologist in 3 months anyway so can talk in detail then.

    Glad your dreams have been vivid lol, that is definitely a reason to quit! Although the antidepressants I'm on have done not so great things to my sex drive anyway so it might not be a quick fix.

    Anyway thanks for replying and offering support, it gives me inspiration and hope and of course encouragement. I know what you mean, I do sound ready in the last post and I am in some ways, but then the slightest knockback at home and I turn to codeine. I just feel I can't let go right this minute...but I am getting very close to wanting to.

    I'll post again soon, even if no one is replying I don't mind as it's therapeutic to get my thoughts out there.

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