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Coming off opiates for good!
  1. #1
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Coming off opiates for good!

    I don't know where my original thread went, but I could you some encouragement, so I'm starting a new one.
    For new members:
    Had to jump off a suboxone 24mg habit for 5 yrs. Had to jump because I broke my heel, and needed pain medication. Long history of opiate abuse, but was stable on my suboxone. Until this forum, I like so many others, was in the care of a doc that wasn't in a hurry to lose me as a customer. So, in making the jump from 24mg to nothing, I was having w/d's and in pain. Up and up went my meds because as we all know subs are extremely strong. By the time all is said and done was taking: 36 mgs dilaudid, 60 mg slow release morphine and 3 mg of lorazapam. Now, 6 wks after surgery to fix the heel, I'm making another drop to get off the opiates.
    Suboxone isn't in the cards right now, because I'm probably going to need another 1-2 surgeries. So, I'm fighting the fight and down to 9 mg on the dilaudid. Still on the slow release morphine, and only taking lorazapam as needed, usually when I'm making a drop. So, holidays coming up, missing loved ones that are not with me anymore and today seems to be very difficult for me. Probably because of my late grandparents anniversary. They raised me, so their like my parents, and we were very close. Of course the biggest lose of all in my life, is my little boy who passed away from a brain tumor. It's only my husband, and some of his family left, to which I'm very grateful.
    The holidays are just tough. I'm making it, but sure could use some help. Of course like most of us, we used to numb some pain or another. Physical and/or mental.
    Anybody out there have any suggestions for helping make it through the holiday season, and still keep up the fight????
    Could use some words of wisdom

  2. #2
    LaGlo727 is offline Member
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    My detox from methadone just happened to fall right on thanksgiving werkend so I'm with you on trying to get thru the holidays. I'm not sure if it's any consolation, but know you're def not alone. I'm just thinking it will be good to stay busy and to try not to dwell or wallow. It's important to not psyche yourself out...like if you think it's gonna be bad, it certainly will be. But in my case, it's gonna have to happen eventually so why not now, you know? There won't ever be a better time.
    Not advice per se, but just some thoughts that have kept me going.

  3. #3
    Anonymous Guest

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    LaGlo.. always good to know your not alone in the fight. Thanks for advice on staying busy. I think your right about wallowing in self pity, and or talking yourself into a bad trip.
    Best wishes to you for a Happy Thanksgiving.
    Blessings,
    Rock
    Flower child 2015 likes this.

  4. #4
    Anonymous Guest

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    Many thanks for all the people in my life. I wrap my head up sometimes in fighting this battle of mine and forget to be thankful for all I have. Should be more in the now, instead a looking back, or even looking forward.
    To everyone Happy Thanksgiving.
    Blessings,
    Rock
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  5. #5
    LaGlo727 is offline Member
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    Thank you :-)
    I have read the Secret... highly recommend it... But the gist is that if you envision good things, they'll happen. If you convince yourself of bad things happening, it's what you'll get.
    I hope you have a great holiday :-)

  6. #6
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Rock, thanks for the post on my thread. I just have a quick minute, I'll be back later tonight to check on ya? I left you a link below that you might find interesting? Especially the 3rd post down where it talks about your brain receptors or gates as they call them. Check it out? Take care and stay positive... God bless us all!

    https://www.drugs.com/forum/need-tal...ain-65986.html

  7. #7
    Anonymous Guest

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    Wow Ricky thanks for that link!
    It's a little discouraging, but what we have to face. We have to be strong, overcome, and the only way to look at it, is one day at a time. Sometimes 1 hr, 1min., 1 sec.
    Blessings,
    Rock

  8. #8
    Ricky71 is offline Platinum Member
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    Yeah, it's a good read and explains things in simple to understand terms. I'm not so sure about all the new brain receptors being opened/created and never going away? Or that the brain doesn't get back to normal after a said amount of time? I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday, I'll make sure to ask him about that? I'm curious to see what he has to say? I hope you're doing well today? I'm feeling a little blah and depressed so far today myself. I'm gonna go into work for a few hours this afternoon, hopefully that will keep my mind off things for a while? I'll check back on ya this evening and maybe even update my own thread? Stay strong! God bless us all!

  9. #9
    Anonymous Guest

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    So today isn't too bad, but I feel like a broken record keeps playing in everyone's post. Could it be mr. weatherman already starting with the winter blues? I'm from upstate NY and it's been crazy here this November. Normally we have snow and it bitter cold. This yr. most of our days are in the low to mid 50's. I've never seen it where is doesn't at least snow a little for Halloween, now were onto Thanksgiving and like I said it was in the 50's. But when we turn the clocks back, yeah it gets dark quick. (I hate the dark) I'm such a little girl when it comes to that. Longer darkness that's never fun for me.
    So feeling sick to my stomache today. yuck and just general blah's. Been trying to encourage other people that have found them self feeling like me. But I haven't came up with anything I can use to get me motivated. Oh well. just another hurdle, gotta jump it. get through it and get ready for the next.
    Blessings to all out there fighting,
    Rock
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-28-2015 at 02:37 PM.
    Pixiepoxie likes this.

  10. #10
    Pixiepoxie is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by rockandhardplace View Post
    So today isn't too bad, but I feel like a broken record keeps playing in everyone's post. Could it be mr. weatherman already starting with the winter blues? I'm from upstate NY and it's been crazy here this November. Normally we have snow and it bitter cold. This yr. most of our days are in the low to mid 50's. I've never seen it where is doesn't at least snow a little for Halloween, now were onto Thanksgiving and like I said it was in the 50's. But when we turn the clocks back, yeah it gets dark quick. (I hate the dark) I'm such a little girl when it comes to that. Longer darkness that's never fun for me.
    So feeling sick to my stomache today. yuck and just general blah's. Been trying to encourage other people that have found them self feeling like me. But I haven't came up with anything I can use to get me motivated. Oh well. just another hurdle, gotta jump it. get through it and get ready for the next.
    Blessings to all out there fighting,
    Rock
    rock,

    I wanted to stop by your thread and see how you were doing

    You posted a week or so ago on my thread...thanks for checking in...

    I can't remember if I responded to you on my thread or not....been so hectic.

    I'm not a lover of the dark either....I absolutely dread winter months

    Sounds like your weather there in NY is unusual right now.....so you haven't had ANY snow yet?

    Are you able to get any physical activity in? How is that heel doing?

    I'm thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way!

    Your kindness and support around the Forum has been encouraging.

    Hang in and hang on...sending you some positive energy!

    Take care of yourself...keep updating your own thread..it really does help

    Forward and Onward Troops!
    Last edited by Anonymous; 11-30-2015 at 10:30 AM.

  11. #11
    Anonymous Guest

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    Pixie.... oh it was so good to hear from you. I miss you, but I know you been busy. Was it 13 people you had over for Thanksgiving??? That had to a mean a huge turkey??? I'm sure you loved seeing everyone, but also sure you loved seeing them leave!!! lol
    I'm on a walking boot now, so that helps getting more physical activity. I'm really tempted to try and drive, but my husband doesn't like the idea. I have cruise control and my boot isn't that big, but I would hate to cause an accident by getting it caught up in the pedals.
    I've really been trying to post to new members to pass the time and it's really rewarding! I'm no means an expert in all things addiction, but sometime just telling someone you understand what their going through and that their not going crazy helps... I hope
    It has been pretty mild for NY in almost December. That's a plus. We have a really long driveway and we only have a snowblower. Which I don't think I'm ready for. My poor husband has to do all the jobs I used to take care of: Cutting wood and bringing it in, snow-blowing, taking the garbage to the dump. Just to name a few. He is a God send. My Angel, my best friend. Even after 25 yrs together we are still like teenagers.
    Anyway thanks again for stopping by.. Hope all is well with you, you sound like your doing amazing!! It's always a treat to hear from you!
    God bless
    Rock xxoo

  12. #12
    niecer is offline Senior Member
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    Rock....I haven't posted on your thread and actually I have been slacking on anybody's thread lately so I thought I would do some reading today and try to catch up.
    First of all, I am so sorry for your losses and I know the holidays can be tough. My parents and my husband's parents both passed during the holidays( a few years back) so it was tough for awhile. I was on pain pills and methadone and my supplier was my sister. She was quite sick and I was her caregiver. She passed away on August 24, which meant my supply of drugs was eliminated. I had no choice but to quit. It v was hard while grieving, plus losing my job as a caregiver, but I got through it. You can do this. I don't know anything about subs but but other people here do and you will get tons of support v and encouragement on this forum so post often. Take care.
    Your name says it all. Be a rock!!!
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  13. #13
    Anonymous Guest

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    niecer... Thank you so much for stopping by my thread. I can relate to the care giver side of your story. My husband and I cared for my son for 5 yrs during his various treatments, so after he passed it's like who am I now? My husband had his job he went back to and lets just say idle minds.....whatever the saying, but I then started down my dark road. This was 10 yrs ago. I've since been on subs for 5 yrs (on the highest mg which is never good with subs) and was doing well. Fast forward till end of september and I fell off a ladder and broke my heel. Needed high doses of opiates to counter not only the pain, but the w/d's from the sub's. I had surgery in October and have slowly been coming off the opiates, but it's been rough. Up and down, taking more than I should then trying to get back on schedule blah, blah, blah. Your typical addict behavior. I'm supposed to have 2 more surgeries coming up, and don't want to go back on subs just to have to come back off, but everyday is a struggle. I knew it would be hard, but well it just gets hard that's all. I'm nothing special from your everyday addict, but being able to vent is always good. Thanks again for posting. I had started another thread that I can't find, so that's my story, just catching you up!
    Really does feel good that someone has reached out to me. I've been posting on others threads just to connect with someone, and it seems like there's so many of us, sometimes we get lost in the shuffle. So again thanks for taking the time it really does help me.
    Blessings
    Rock
    niecer likes this.

  14. #14
    Anonymous Guest

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    Well... today I'm doing it. It may be wrong but it's going to feel soooooo great........
    No, it's not taking a pill. lol I'm going to drive to the grocery store. I'm not supposed to walk too much on my foot, but I'm going to get into one of those electric carts when I get there.
    Just wanted to let everyone know.. If I don't post back later today, hope someone will send the the troops out looking for me. lol
    Blessings to all,
    Rock

  15. #15
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Rock..
    That is strange about your original thread..
    Just vanished?
    But I think the more " normal" for lack of a better word things you do the quicker you will heal..
    The body is meant to be I motion.
    You have such a strong mind
    Strong will
    That you got this..
    That really is the secret to keeping this amazing gift..
    Of recovery..
    Is to share your experience, strength and hope..
    Small price to pay
    For freedom..
    Right?
    Thank you so much for sharing your journey!
    Rock on!
    Bangin Bette
    Last edited by Anonymous; 12-03-2015 at 10:51 AM.

  16. #16
    Anonymous Guest

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    It/s wonderful to hear from you Bette. Yeah, not having my original thread sucks. I was using it as a journal so I could go back and see my progress. Anyway the thread is call: "Any advice" if you come across it let me know.
    I made it to the grocery store and back! All on my own, for the first time in months. It's such a great feeling to just get in my car and go. Noon time is rough for me. Don't know why, but I get to thinking way too much. Being home alone all day, not able to go anywhere doesn't help. I was terrified to try and make the journey. I mean really scared, but I did it!
    It's the small victories right?
    It was difficult, and had to use one of those electric carts in the store. I won't be doing it again to soon, but just to know I can helps a lot!!
    Iluv2smile likes this.

  17. #17
    Anonymous Guest

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    Well today is always a day I have to take a step back. My beautiful boy, he was born today. He was 10 yrs old when he was taken from us. When he was 5, we found out about a tumor in his spine that was causing severe neurological symptoms. His pediatrician wasn't doing anything, but making us feel like we were crazy parents. Seeing things that weren't there or over reacting to symptoms. We knew, even before we finally took him to an emergency room in a different state. He suffered headaches, leg pains, back pains, just things that a normal 5 yr. old doesn't complain about. We were going through a bottle of liquid tylenol every 1wk. So, deep down, we knew something was very wrong.
    Within 8 hrs of that er visit, we had our answer. It was a rare disease that presents itself in the brain and spinal column. PNET (primitive neuroectodermal tumor) usually doesn't show in blood work, because it's only found in the brain and spine.
    That same night, that we brought him to the er, the doc performed a 10 hr surgery to remove the tumor in his spine and then they had to put in a shunt because of the pressure on his brain. We were happy at first, finally we had answers to all the questions of his terrible symptoms. We thought now we know what the problem is we can fix it. As the doctor explained on the ins and outs of the surgery, the blow came. There is no cure for this.. he probably will not see his 10th birthday. Shock, denial, anger, emotions I don't think there were names for. But we focused on what we had now. And what we had, was a little boy who didn't have anymore headaches, leg pain, back pain. He was like a new kid. We couldn't deny that we had to start chemo, and radiation, but we were still so hopeful. We did research (didn't have the internet at that time, so that made things more difficult) but we did it anyway and he was such a trooper. Never complaining about having to get stuck with a needle, having to sit really still inside the radiation booth while they radiated his whole head and spine, never once complained when he would throw up until he drive heaved.
    There were good times in the middle of all this. We took him to disney in florida, he got to meet Jason Varitek catcher of the boston red sox, he got to get a special tour of fenway park, and as many more things that we could to make the most of the time we had with him.
    I try not to focus on the bad times. How many times they would say: You need to say your good byes, because he won't make it through the night, or how he spent 3 months in ICU on a ventilator, with docs saying you need to prepare yourself because he will never come off it. He made it through every time. The doctors from Vermont to Boston could never understand how he would overcome all those things. But we knew he was a fighter and we weren't ready to let him go. During all this never once did I cry in front of him. I didn't wan't to scare him, and we NEVER talked about him dying. Years later when I was able to hear it, my husband confessed to me that he and my son did talk about it. My husband answered questions he had, but he wasn't afraid, or mad or angry. He was at peace.
    When his little body couldn't fight anymore. He quietly fell asleep. He held on long enough that he knew I could handle it (as best as you can handle losing a child) I finally came to the realization that I wanted him here with me. Selfishly, I wanted him to stay, as soon as that realization hit me. He passed.
    I remember his laugh, the way he used to hit his leg when he REALLY laughed, or hold his belly. I remember the way he used to hug me so tight around the neck and call it his bear hug. I remember and can still hear his voice when he said "I love you mom", and he would say that all the time. We could be playing a game or if he was watching me make dinner, or shopping. He would just look at me his little old soul, and it would catch me to the point of tears every time.
    Those are the memories I hold on too. I refuse to let the bad get into my head. For many many many yrs there was guilt, maybe we shouldn't of did any of the trial treatments, maybe it wouldn't of made him so sick all the time. Then there was guilt because towards the end I started abusing drugs trying to numb the pain.
    Now I'm blessed with grace. My husband would always try to explain the concept to me. I couldn't understand how he could live with out all those feelings that were keeping me sick. That were keeping me an addict.
    This is the first time I've ever told this story. Not to make people reading it sad... This is part of me recovering.
    I've come to terms with not having my son here on earth with us, and know that he watches over me and his dad and it waiting for us. And the grace I talked about is honoring his life. Being the best people we can be. Remembering all those good times, forgetting the bad times. He was a blessing to have for the short time we had him. We were blessed! I love you my sweet boy, forever and always, big as the moon and sky.
    Pixiepoxie and davepeerson like this.

  18. #18
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    That is an awesome experience..
    An a great attitude about it..
    He is your guiding light..
    You needed more than a physical child..
    He took on that role to guide you back to him..
    Now you will honor him and be
    Clean and connected!
    Just be with it!
    What a great gift you are giving him!
    So amazing to be getting clean in the mist of all this chaos ..
    Most definitely a gift from above!
    Bette

  19. #19
    Anonymous Guest

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    Bette.. you always know the right thing to say. I know it was a long post. But it felt good to get it out. He is my light, my heart, and my soul, and this was his 1st birthday that I was able to "celebrate" him. It's been 9 yrs since he passed away, and many of those were spent being numb. I fully believe to heal, you have to feel the pain, go through the loss and all the terrible emotions that go along with it. Only until then, do you start to heal. My husband has been trying to guide me to this point for so long. We both had a wonderful day together!!!
    God gave him to me for just a short while, but what a blessing he was!!!
    I wish all people that have had loss in their life to be able to feel the joy again.
    Blessings
    Michelle (aka rock)
    Last edited by Anonymous; 12-05-2015 at 11:23 AM.
    Pixiepoxie and Iluv2smile like this.

  20. #20
    Pixiepoxie is offline Senior Member
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    rock,

    I'm so touched by your insight and love for your son and for your husband and most importantly, yourself!

    So glad you are able to feel the blessings from your time with your son

    and that you are

    feeling the joy again...

    Take care my friend and keep posting!

    Forward And Onward Troops!

  21. #21
    Iluv2smile is offline Platinum Member
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    Michelle..
    That is an amazing revelation..
    Most of us try to numb ourselves trough painful experiences..
    But the growth is in the pain..
    And the freedom comes from the other side of the pain..
    The only way to the other side is through it..
    I too am so grateful to have gone through the pain of losing my dad
    Clean and sober..
    It is to the dept of our pain
    That the degree of our joy comes too..
    Now we can compete our circle of growth..
    Clean and sober we grow..
    Ain't it great?
    Proud of you girl!
    It is a lot sometimes..
    But we get what and when we can handle it!
    Rock on!
    Bette

  22. #22
    Anonymous Guest

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    Bette.. I love the way you express your words. You have this way of taking a message and making it more thoughtful and with deeper insight. You can tell that you are at peace. Even though your loss is a fresh wound to the heart, it amazing how you enlighten.
    I don't think I will get over the loss of my son, it leaves a void that doesn't seem to want to heal, but I feel I'm able to deal with life better. The every day things that lost meaning, I'm starting to enjoy more. It's still a work in progress, and a lot like recovery for an addict. You learn to live a new normal. My new normal is becoming better all the time!!! I have hope, and that is really powerful for me.
    Also something really powerful for me or any woman.... I colored my hair last night and feeling really frisky!!! lol hee hee hee.

  23. #23
    Anonymous Guest

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    Pixie,
    Thanks for your kind words, and I am feeling very hopeful for the future. It's all a process, and like everyone says, just follow the process.
    How are you doing? I've been busy lately and haven't been on the forum. I'm going to make time to go to your thread to catch up on you.
    I've been busy getting into trouble. lol I went to the grocery store all buy myself the other day. Took off my boot to drive and back on to go in. So proud of myself. I was so scared, so very scared, but I did it... and now am so proud!!
    Blessings to you Pixie

  24. #24
    Anonymous Guest

    Default Struggling in battle

    Today is a beautiful day outside. Almost the 2nd wk in December and it's like 50 degree's out. Last yr. at this time it had been below 0 for a couple wks and much snow on the ground. Kinda like spring instead of winter??
    So, you would think the weather would perk me up? Not ... I can't seem to get myself going. So many things to do, so little motivation. I know this is something everyone goes through, but how to get out of it.
    I've tried doing some exercise, but I am still limited what I can do. I know it would be helpful when I can do more. Especially now when I'm getting ready to make another drop. I'm still hanging tough, but scared to death!
    I'm such a wuss! As always my mind is strong, but the body is not. To top it off, I started a new thread, because I thought my old one disappeared. So, my regular buddies are probably confused about where to find me.
    If anyone is reading this, I could use a good dose of encouragement.

  25. #25
    jeffro6527 is offline Member
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    Tis the season to be grateful for our gifts. I only have one thing to add to all the wonderfully worded advise you have been given.


    I promise that one day you will look back on this as one of the best,most rewarding and defining christmases of your life because you gave yourself the gift of freedom. Freedom certainly isnt free of cost but well worth every moment you have it.. Cherish yourself and your life, you deserve to be free....

    Your pal,

    Jeffro

  26. #26
    Anonymous Guest

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    Wow, thanks Jeffro,
    I love the way you worded that. Very poetic, and insightful. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and offer wonderful words of wisdom.
    Michelle

  27. #27
    Anonymous Guest

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    Another rough day. I'm feeling very anxious of the coming drop. I know it's just my head playing games with me. I'm coming into the home stretch and almost done, but then there is life after. Dealing with everyday stuff is hard right now. I know this is just me, being my whiny addict self. My husband was off today, so I had a good cry and as always he was there to tell me all the things we all repeat. Life on the other side will be great, won't have to worry about how much medication I have, or when to fill, won't be a slave to the pill. I know I want to do this right. I don't feel I have any other options. To try and go back on the subs to feel "normal" would be crazy, considering my back surgery that's coming up. It wouldn't make sense to induce, then start my taper. I don't think I would even have enough time.
    I'm trying to meet with my back doc to see if I could move up the surgery just to get it all over with and then I could do the subs after that instead of fighting everyday to come down from these narcotics. I knew this would be tough. I just want to get my life back on track. I'm out of work now and going stir crazy. Nothing to get up in the morning for, not contributing to our shrinking savings account. It all makes for a very long recovery.

  28. #28
    Anonymous Guest

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    What have I discovered about myself in the last wk? I'm still playing the hide and seek game with my husband. He hides the meds, and I find them EVERY TIME. I had taken a pill a few days ago, but I held it for like 3 days. I couldn't bring myself to actually take it. So, I thought I'll save it for when I really need it. (tapering down again on Friday down to 2 dilaudid's) I'm doing the whole freaking myself out about what's coming, not focusing on the here and now. So, what did I do with that pill I was holding?? I gave it back to my husband. He was so proud of me, when I thought he'd be mad. I should of know better, he is the best man a woman could ask for. I'm so very blessed!!!
    Another huge revelation...Cat was posting to someone else and she wrote of her struggles on how to get back to her old self, before addiction. How she had to forgive. At that moment I realized something... I used to be a person with so many friends around, and very full social life. In the last few yrs. I've been very bitter and angry with those friends who are no longer in my life. I thought "how could they leave me when I needed them most" Now, I realize it wasn't them, it was me. What kind of friend can you be to someone when your selfish, and with only one thing on their mind. It wasn't them who left our friendship, it was me that checked out!
    I am an overweight 45 yr. old woman who has found herself very alone and unhappy. I still have a lot of self-loathing I need to work out, I need to be happy with myself, to love myself and forgive myself. Move on and be the loving, caring, and happy person I used to be.
    Once that happens everything else falls into place. If your reading this Cat, your an amazing person. Thanks
    Blessings,
    Michelle xxoo
    UncleLeo and Ming23 like this.

  29. #29
    Anonymous Guest

    Unhappy State of confusion

    I had a visit with the clinic that I'm going through to get Gastric Sleeve Surgery. I'm more confused than ever!! I'm trying to come off opiates, and not have to use subs to do it because I need this surgery. But is it a necessary? Should I go that route. Should I go on subs. I'm in a constant state of w/d's trying to come off this stuff. I know it might be easier if I just stop the madness and go back on subs and try to just be stable.
    Then there's the fear of w/d trying to get back on subs. I can't imagine trying to get through that. I can't even stand being inside my own head right now.
    Ming23 likes this.

  30. #30
    Anonymous Guest

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    Another day... feels, so bleak. I know it's not hopeless, but I feel like a caged animal.

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