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  1. #31
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Wow, I hadn’t thought of that-planning my relapse. I’m trying to recall why I wanted to stop. I really do want to be me again and I certainly don’t want twenty years to go by.
    Yes, I paint! I’ve always enjoyed art. Acrylics were my favorite when I used to do it. Funny thing-I couldn’t paint a wall correctly if I had to. Ha! We all have our talents!
    Thanks so much for the words of wisdom. They’re certainly helping me see things from a less foggy view.

  2. #32
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    If I would’ve listened to Cat the first time almost a year ago, I wouldn’t be on Day 7 (again) right now. All the “what if’s” ugh. Hang in there. U can beat this.

  3. #33
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    ForMe-We just have to keep moving towards our goal. I’m not out of the woods. Part of me can’t wait for a new life and the other part, well is just kind of lost.

  4. #34
    Lvg nghtmare is offline Platinum Member
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    Hahaha omg Cat I'm laughing hysterical two talents typing fast and talking alot
    Great for this forum your hired.....

    *maybe it comes with a new car*

  5. #35
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomoreofthis4 View Post
    ForMe-We just have to keep moving towards our goal. I’m not out of the woods. Part of me can’t wait for a new life and the other part, well is just kind of lost.
    I know what you mean. I’m really really starting to understand, let go, surrender even,
    that I wasn’t lost. I was never lost even though I felt like it ALL THE TIME. I was zombified. I was tranced.

  6. #36
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    How you doing? Let us know

  7. #37
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    ForMe- not well. It’s not physical. It’s emotional. I basically cry 100 times a day, I don’t want to see anyone, I have no motivation and I’m still anxious. The anxiety has always been an issue, but the depression is severe. It hasn’t been a very good few days. Thanks for checking on me. I just haven’t felt like talking to anyone in any way.

  8. #38
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Platinum Member
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    It's all normal and part of the process. Depression, anxiety, fatigue. These were the symptoms that lingered for me the longest. Along with no sleep which seemed to amplify everything I was feeling. Don't get discouraged. You're doing great and all this will be behind you soon.

    Proud of you!!
    Keep racking up those clean days!!
    Beef
    ForMe30 likes this.

  9. #39
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks Beef! I can’t remember feeling so low. I keep expecting to wake up happy or something but I’m in a fog and feel like I’m losing my mind. This sucks! I’ve hardly eaten in three days. I just have to force food down.

    Walking has been the only thing that ALMOST makes my mood better. I don’t quite get there but the walks afford flashes of hope.

    This is my earthly pergatory. Surely if I make it through this cleansing there will be a better life awaiting. I certainly hope so because at this moment I want to run away from the world, including my family. I can’t decide if I actually hate my husband or if that’s my currently brainless brain talking. He and the children went out of town today and he invited me to stay home. I found that to be a great idea, though he was trying to take a shot.

    So I’m home alone. It’s dreary but quiet and I need quiet. I need to heal. I want to heal.
    Beefaroni7272 and ForMe30 like this.

  10. #40
    Beefaroni7272 is offline Platinum Member
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    Right around 3 weeks maybe a little after depression hit me like a Mack truck. I was crying, couldn't find joy in anything. It was like watching a sad lonely, horrible version of myself just sulking around. I felt so pathetic, I was mad at myself for feeling that way, like I was letting down my family. Because all I wanted to do was sulk in my own misery. Like it was the only thing I deserved. Hogwash. You're body is healing, cleaning up the mess we have made of things. The fog will lift, you will smile, laugh, enjoy spending time with people again. It just takes time. That walking around. Do it as much as possible. Stay active and keep moving. I had to work during my detox and it was honestly the best thing for me. It forced me to be active and pleasant. I had to fake it for quite some time, but eventually I wasn't. And I was just back to life.

    It's gradual and just takes time. Keep Taking it one day at a time. Who knows, tomorrow may be a great day!!!

    Keep posting, we're here for you!!
    Beef
    Lvg nghtmare and ForMe30 like this.

  11. #41
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Hey there. Just checking in. We are on almost the same timeline and I totally get the crying and utter despair. Is there something you can do that will give you some joy? Walking, drawing, crafts, binge watching Netflix? Try to find something.

    I know around this time I get Mom/wife guilt REALLY bad. I can’t wait for my kid’s bedtime so I can just be alone. Then I feel absolutely horrible that I couldn’t wait to be alone. Then I think well if I take a pill, I’ll have the “energy” to play with him and won’t be wishing for bedtime. It’s a sick game...sick. I know for a fact (because I just spoke to my cousin about this) that mother’s with no addiction problems think the same thing...they count down the minutes until bedtime....so it’s NORMAL to feel that way.
    I’m rambling sorry. We can do this together. I’m here for you.

  12. #42
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Hey ForMe! Yes, I have that same guilt. I’m starting to see a little more clearly but really my go to was to take a pill. I don’t remember my old coping mechanisms. I’m just here singing and wondering how I got here. I know it’s going to get better because I’ve been told that, but I’m just.....um.... I’m sure there’s a word for it. I’m lost (???) I don’t know what I am.
    But I think we can keep talking to each other and try to plug through it together. Thank you!
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  13. #43
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Knock knock

    Just wanted to stop by to see how you’re doing. Good or bad let us know.

  14. #44
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Hi. I’m fair, I would say. I can’t seem to get a clear head. But the physical symptoms are gone. I don’t think I expected the depressed mood and lack of energy to last so long. This feels like it’s been going on for a year. So really I’m just here. That’s the best I can say right now.

  15. #45
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    ForMe, how are you holding up?

  16. #46
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Strangely enough, today I’m starting to feel a bit ok. I woke up miserable but the mood is improving. Not much on food and water, but I’m ok. I think I’m ok. I have a lot of fear during moments like this, fear that it’s all a lie and I’m about to crash and burn. But I suspect I should relish these small triumphs.

  17. #47
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    I feel the same as you right now. I’m just trying my hardest to power through. One of the members here took an amino acid called DLPA and surprisingly it really does help my mood. Give it a try...u never know. The brand is Solaray (sp?). I’ve been taking 2 capsules in the morning (along with other vitamins) and 1 capsule 8 hrs later.

  18. #48
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Yeah, I think Beef mentioned that supplement. I have L-tyrosine and a multivitamin as well as B6 and B12. I also had the doctor double my Prozac—you know Bc I give him the orders (?

  19. #49
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Im not sure what I said in my last post, but most of it was cut off. Sorry, not sure what happened.

    ForMe, I hope you’re doing ok. I know it’s rough. And I know at my lowest moments I don’t want to type or talk or read or anything else. But I hope you’re ok! Talk soon!
    ForMe30 likes this.

  20. #50
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    This is really just me posting my thoughts.

    Every day is different. Some days my mood is normal, stable, even skirting the edge of positive.
    Some days I want to run off a bridge. I enjoy seeing the world without pills. I also want a pill every time I’m confronted with anything remotely uncomfortable, emotionally uncomfortable.
    My physical symptoms were minor, at least compared to the horror stories I’ve read. I wonder if I’d rather three days of physical torment than this endless roller coaster of insanity. I have no clue how I’m getting by. I feel like a zombie sometimes. Who am I and what am I doing? I’ll have a good day with my husband and the next I’m walking out the door to be gone for hours over the slightest perceived insult.
    I suspect my mood issues were originally one of my triggers for use in the first place. Ironically, the pills sometimes made me more irritable in spite of the underlying euphoria.
    I’m thankful for the good moments but stand in fear of the future, even the near future, like five hours from now, because I don’t know if I’ll be and to smile or if I’ll be on the side of the road crying.
    I hate my job. The good news is I could pass a drug test for a new job by now, but I’m not mentally fit for such a challenge. I’m not mentally fit for much of anything right now.

    When I attempt to clean my house I just throw stuff away. Like nice things. It’s like I’m throwing away anything that was once me. Maybe. Anyway, this is who I am now. I guess.
    ForMe30 likes this.

  21. #51
    OKC-26 is offline Member
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    Man oh man can I relate to that nomore.. I’m not sure how far along you are, but sometime during my second week clean I began to feel that way also. Good one minute then bad the next. That lasted through the third week. But when I got to my fourth (just finished it) my good minutes lasted a day. Then I had another bad day but it was followed by two good days. I’m starting to go hours without even thinking about pills or the recovery process I’m going through. I was just living and the weight was finally starting to come off my shoulders. You’ve been on this form for a couple weeks so I know you seen the “it gets better”. And I didn’t wanna hear that, I wanted to hear “on day 23 this feeling goes away” but no one told me that. They couldn’t because We’re all different. But it does happen. Hang in there your good days are coming I promise!

    I just wanted to post to you because I really related to what you said. For me the mental recovery was/is so much harder than the physical. But time does fix them. Give it a chance.
    ForMe30 and 10years39days like this.

  22. #52
    10years39days is offline Member
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    Nomore - for me, I think it was around three weeks (clean time) when I started having really bad depression and anxiety. I literally didn't know who I was. It felt like I was taking one step forward, three steps back. But in reality, my brain was just assimilating to a drug-free environment and learning how to absorb reality for everything that it's worth. The good, the bad...it's all here now. I can feel it now, whereas before I couldn't.

    Being addicted to drugs for so many years...I was always stuck living in the future. I was constantly counting down the hours until my next dose, the days until my next refill, and the weeks/months until my next appointment. My brain simply didn't have the resources to deal with "today". But things are different now.

    Today...now...this moment in time...is the only thing that really matters. Deal with the challenge that is currently in front of you. Especially in the early stages of your recovery, every bit of brain power should be devoted to making it through today.

    This is all so much easier said than done. Even at four months clean, each day brings a new challenge and my brain is still learning how to deal with that. With that being said...I wake up every day with a sense of accomplishment. One more clean day...

    One other bit of advice: Try to avoid making any major life decisions during this time. Why? Because your brain isn't firing on all of its cylinders yet. It will eventually get there, but the timeline is out of your control. As Beef would say, "keep doing the next right thing!", and eventually you will wake up one day and feel free.

  23. #53
    extremetm is offline Junior Member
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    Figured I'd chime in. Day 16 for me off the Norco. Did a 59 day taper. Physical wds basically gone. Mental pretty good overall but did have a bad morning and do think about the pills some but at least I'm not clock watching. Seems the first week was great and things have leveled off and are not as great as before. But I've gotten more done in the past week than I think I accomplished the entire 5 years I was on this stuff.

    Biggest problem is the insomnia. 4 hours a sleep max for the past 15 nights. Just got some L Tyrosine, Centrum Mulii and zzzQuil. And oddly enough, I have a minor sneezing bout once a day. No more, no less.

    Was on Xanax for 15 years and will be 5 years clean this June. Only thing I take now is 1 aspirin a day. Strange being completely (well almost) drug free.

    They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I won't be a bit surprised if during the 4th week things really start to get better.

    Stay strong folks. Fight the temptation and live a glorious life.
    ForMe30 likes this.

  24. #54
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Hello to everyone—OKC, 10years, and extreme—thank you all for your support and input.
    I needed to jot those thoughts down in a safe place the other day. It really helps, though as I typed my thoughts went awry, hard to stay focused.

    I started to realize that not only does my brain need to heal but there are those unresolved issues I’ve been suppressing for too long. It’s not like depression and anxiety (especially anxiety) haven’t always been part of me. I’ve medicated those and now they’re being exacerbated. I keep picturing myself at my healthiest adult period. I guess I want to make that my goal. During that time, I still had to address and control my moods and anxiety, I did it without narcotics. I rarely even drank alcohol-and still don’t. So what did I do? I was just a chick with a dude and a house and some loud ass kids and a job and I got by. Where is that person that I was? Where’d she go? I wasn’t perfect, maybe slightly off kilter and a bit crass, but I was healthy and clean and put together.

    Today my patience is thin. I get anxious all the time. I want it to pass so badly.
    I’m going on a retreat soon. I’ve gone before but only on meds. I’m anxious about going without any my helpers, but in a way looking forward to it.

    10years- that’s good advice about major decisions. Thanks. I really want to change jobs and it’s long overdue. But I know that’s too much for me handle right now.
    ForMe30 and 10years39days like this.

  25. #55
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    More of my thoughts...

    The mornings are hardest. I seem to get calm(somewhat) come afternoon. But even the mornings are becoming more bearable. It is mostly the brain fog and never feeling fully awake that get me. I’ve always hated being tired. Before I started using I would have afternoon fatigue and would go grab a huge Diet Coke. I remember thinking “Do I really need this every day?” Isn’t that funny? I wish it had always only been Diet Coke.

    I painted last night. I enjoyed painting again.
    I also trained a new employee today. Seriously, with no opiates! And I laughed at her jokes. Because she was actually funny. With no opiates. It hit me like a brick this evening. I’m a professional (ok, by title, but really I’m a weird goofball by nature!) but today, I was a professional training another professional for a new job and I did it all day without opiates. I’m rather disorganized and I get flustered more easily and I have a long way to go. But today I did my job efficiently and showed someone else how to also. I call this a small triumph.

    True, I had to take a hot bath and a quick nap when I got home. I was mentally exhausted by the end of the day. Training is a challenge all its own. I got anxious and even got the chills today. There were rough moments, but I got through them unscathed and she was none the wiser. I continued without opiates.

    I didn’t cry today. I’ve taken my Prozac and L tyrosine and a few vitamins. No narcs. For some reason this is really resonating with me today.

    Maybe I’m writing now to encourage those folks who are lurking the forums like I did for a while. I’m nowhere near through this. My brain is hazy and I’m not stable yet. I feel anger and guilt and I still sometimes reach for my purse as if I’m going to get a little friend out. There aren’t any in there and I’m so glad. I struggle. But suddenly a tiny light seems to be peaking out from a distance. Quite tiny but present.

    Just keep going. It’s hard. It sucks. Just keep going.

  26. #56
    OKC-26 is offline Member
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    You’re doing great!!

  27. #57
    10years39days is offline Member
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    Hey nomore,

    How are things going this week?

    Take care,
    10

  28. #58
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Hey nomore
    How’s life treating you?

  29. #59
    ForMe30 is offline Member
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    Update when you can...been thinking about you.
    We are here for you no matter what ❤️

  30. #60
    Nomoreofthis4 is offline Junior Member
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    Ok I’m here. I failed, but I want to try again. I can’t give an explanation because I don’t know. I thought I was ok. But something triggered me and I went back, for a few weeks. I just don’t know why.
    ForMe30 likes this.

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